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Jeff Weiss
February 16, 2016
Many people fear that no matter how they prepare, their negotiation will spiral
into an unproductive debate or a shouting match. Even if you re approaching the
negotiation with a collaborative, joint problem-solving mindset, it s possible
that things will get heated. You know when it s happening: Perhaps you feel
yourself getting emotional. You sense that your blood pressure is rising, that
you re becoming angry or anxious. Maybe your counterpart is doing the same. The
volume might be getting louder, or one or both of you have started to yell.
Let s look at an example inside a company doing its annual budget planning.
Betty, the head of sales, is preparing her budget for next year, and she s
meeting with Amit, the director of finance. Betty has asked Amit several times
for revised numbers that she can include in her budget. Instead of delivering,
however, he keeps coming back to her with more questions. Betty s draft budget
is due to the CFO first thing tomorrow morning, so she sends Amit a meeting
request to discuss what s going on. Amit accepts but shows up 15 minutes late.
After explaining why she needs the numbers today, Betty asks what s preventing
Amit from just giving her the numbers she s asked for. He begins to explain
that she hasn t shared enough information and that he s been working hard to
make sense of what she has given him.
Betty raises her voice: I ve asked you four times to give me those numbers,
you showed up late to this meeting, and this is somehow my fault. Why can t you
just do what I asked?
Amit can t believe she s not getting it: I ve been working on your numbers for
weeks! But I can t get you the final figures until you give me all the
information I need. Don t you understand that this is on you?
This situation may not strike you as a negotiation at first glance, but it is:
there are two parties with different incentives and interests who are trying to
come to an agreement about how to proceed. In this case a conflict has erupted,
but it doesn t have to hurt Betty and Amit s relationship or Betty s draft
budget.
Emotions get heated during a negotiation because there are high stakes: people
s jobs, their standing with their bosses, their confidence, the success of a
venture, or the future of their business.
A negotiation can also get emotional when you and your counterpart haven t
communicated well. Perhaps you misunderstood each other s intentions or
offended each other by accident, and feelings were hurt.
Whatever the reason the conversation has turned combative, here are a few ways
to defuse the situation:
Focus on your physical reaction. Breathe deeply rather than tensing up and
holding your breath. Ground yourself by putting your hands on the table or your
feet on the floor. The physical motions you make will influence how your mind
reacts. If you start wringing your hands, you re signaling to your mind that
there is something to worry about. On the other hand, if you move slowly and
deliberately, you send a message to your brain to remain calm.
Listen to what your counterpart is saying. Let him vent. Some people need to
boil over as a kind of release. After yelling or banging the table, they might
calm down by themselves. Don t always feel you need to respond to the outburst.
If you can, let it go and move on to a more productive way of interacting.
Show you ve heard him. Calmly paraphrase what you heard. Acknowledging the
reason that your counterpart got upset can often help turn things around.
Sometimes people just want to be heard.
Show some empathy. If he s mad because of something that doesn t have anything
to do with you, acknowledge that it seems like a tough situation. Maybe even
frame the issue as a joint problem on which you two can work together.
Find out more. If you re the cause for his frustration, dig in and find out
what s happening. Try to understand what you did and how the two of you might
be seeing things differently.
Take a break. If you re the one who s getting angry or emotional, consider
taking a break. Go for a walk around the building. Ask someone on your team to
help you talk it through. Some deep breathing, or even a little meditation, can
help you reground yourself.
When Amit snapped back at her, Betty took a deep breath and sat back in her
chair, putting both feet on the ground. With her body steady, she was able to
begin calming down but couldn t help noticing that Amit still had a red face
and crossed arms.
Betty s next step was to apologize for her outburst. She didn t stop there,
though. She also asked Amit why he was upset. She moved forward to listen and
let him go at it.
Amit said that he was under a lot of pressure, given that it was budget time.
He admitted that Betty wasn t the first person to get angry with him that week.
He talked about how he was missing his targets because he did not get enough
resources last year. He even shared a situation two months back when he had
asked Betty for help and had gotten nothing. She had no idea what he was
referring to, but she didn t stop him; instead, she asked what the consequences
had been. With all that off his chest and with Betty s evident openness to
hearing from him Amit calmed down too. Betty watched, relieved, as Amit s
shoulders began to relax and he uncrossed his arms.
Adapted from the Harvard Business Review Press book HBR Guide to Negotiating,
by Jeff Weiss.
Jeff Weiss is an adjunct professor at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point
and a partner at Vantage Partners, a Boston-based consultancy specializing in
corporate negotiations and relationship management, where he focuses on sales
negotiations and strategic alliances. He is also author of the HBR Guide to
Negotiating.