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Anna Ranieri
May 26, 2015
Years ago, I worked in a consulting firm that specialized in executive
coaching, change management, and outplacement counseling. My colleagues and I
regularly helped others deal with the loss and grief they experienced when a
job, a particular role, or an entire organization ended. We were good at it and
our executive director encouraged us to always give our clients our best
efforts to support them through these rocky times. He was a top-notch boss he
supplied all the resources we needed and removed any roadblocks that stood in
the way of effectively helping others acknowledge their grief and move forward.
Then the tables were turned when our esteemed boss was diagnosed with a
terminal illness. The other members of his team and I then needed to
acknowledge our own sadness and to prepare for the loss of our dear colleague.
We were fortunate in several ways. One, we were able to appreciate our leader
and to express our gratitude to him when he was still alive, while preparing,
as did his family and many friends, to say goodbye. We were also trained
professional counselors: busy helping our clients each day, we knew that we
could gain from sharing our own sadness with co-workers who listened to, and
sought to understand, each other s feelings and concerns.
That didn t mean that the process was easy or that we would all agree on how it
should go. Turning our daily practice of shepherding others through the
mourning process onto ourselves meant that we had to admit to our own
vulnerability and feelings. Always ready to aid our clients in airing their
feelings of the sadness, frustration, and anger that can come with the finality
of loss, we now had to put our own emotions out for others to acknowledge and
observe. We also had to express and negotiate how we wanted to grieve,
separately and together. One member of our team, for example, wanted very much
to start that process as soon as possible; another said that she wanted to
mourn when she was ready to mourn, but not prematurely. This was a new set of
concerns for us, and we had to navigate it slowly, consciously, and with a new
type of respect for our co-workers one that we hadn t considered when we were
discussing a business problem.
I was thinking of our process when I read about the recent passing of Dave
Goldberg, the well-loved CEO of SurveyMonkey. His team confronted a sudden and
unexpected loss: for them, the grieving process began right away. What would
those of us who have been professional grief counselors say to his team or any
team who loses an important member?
First, it s important to recognize that this type of grieving will require a
level of sharing that is not common in the workplace. Most everyone will
experience personal grief and loss during their career, but usually we mourn in
private rather than at the office. We take leave to cope with the loss of a
family member and, though our co-workers share their condolences with us, it s
something we process on our own. Why? Because we may worry that that personal
grief may be seen as unseemly at work and worrisome to our colleagues. We or
they may be concerned that they can t share or even understand our feelings,
that our tears or sadness seem unprofessional, or that our minds are simply not
in the right place for the time being. So we may soldier on alone or try to
exhibit only an upbeat persona at work while accepting the kind wishes of our
co-workers with a Thanks, I m doing better. How did the staff meeting go?
By contrast, colleagues like those at SurveyMonkey are united in grief. When a
work group loses one of its own, group members can and should acknowledge their
mutual grief, gaining comfort from sharing, not shoring away, their feelings
and thoughts. As sad as the loss may be to the team and to those connected to
it, there is mutual benefit in coping with grief as a group. From my experience
and my work with others, I would suggest that teams observe four elements of
the mourning process.
Acknowledging:
It s important for the group to communicate the situation that they re in, both
internally and to the outside world: We have lost our colleague and we are in
mourning. In saying so, the group lets it be known that an event has occurred
that has touched them. Internally, the group experiences a solidarity in
proclaiming this; externally, those outside the team are informed so that they
can offer their condolences, acknowledge their own feelings, and feel more
connected on a human level to the team they have until now known only through
their business transactions or the product they represent.
Permitting:
When a colleague has died, the workplace should become a setting in which grief
can be expressed and co-workers can openly empathize with each other. People
shouldn t mourn behind closed doors, holed up in their offices or in the car on
the way home. The group can get together in one place or, if team members are
remote, connect by emails or video conference any medium that brings
together employees in every location. Managers should emphasize that it s all
right to be touched by grief and that it s a good thing for group members to
share their feelings.
Celebrating:
Loss also provides an opportunity to celebrate a life. From casual
conversations to formal memorial services, people acknowledge their sadness
while remembering what the person meant to them, professionally and personally.
The recent writings of Goldberg s wife Sheryl Sandberg, as well as his
colleagues and friends, have demonstrated the care and concern he had for
others as a father, a spouse and a manager. Whether such celebrations of a
person s contributions are broad-reaching or simply shared among a small group
of co-workers, they can be an important part of the mourning process.
Colleagues come together and share their gratitude, with each other or the
world, for the time they had together with a special person in their work
lives.
Choosing:
Grief and mourning don t end overnight, As the initial grief becomes less
acute, it can be time for the group to choose ways of remembering their
colleague. An ongoing ritual of remembrance and observance is often a good way
for a work group to carry forward the meaning of that person s life. When my
team confronted the loss of our manager, we established an annual ritual to
celebrate his life and observe his passing it was a time to share fond
memories, humorous stories, and the sense of being a team that our boss had
fostered and that we wanted to continue. For other groups, this ritual might
become a day of volunteer work in the community, an opportunity to express
appreciation to each other, or a seminar to celebrate their colleague s love of
learning.
For any team experiencing a loss that touches all its members, there is the
opportunity to confide in one another, to grieve together, to come together to
celebrate a life and to choose to keep doing so. Uniquely sad, this event can
also be an opportunity for the team to honor the colleague they have lost, to
further the care and respect they maintain for each other, and to consider the
meaningful ways that her or his memory can live on.
Anna Ranieri, MBA, PhD is an executive coach, career counselor and speaker. She
is the co-author of the book How Can I Help? What You Can (and Can t) Do to
Counsel a Friend, Colleague or Family Member With a Problem.