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By Caroline McClatchey BBC News Magazine
The average Briton spends about 500 on four milestone celebrations a year,
from "baby showers" to 30th birthdays to ruby wedding anniversaries. But why
have people started celebrating everything so lavishly?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that weddings cost the earth.
And they are not just expensive for the bride and groom and their parents. From
the hen party in Brighton, to the new frock and the department store gift,
guests are also forking out a fortune.
But what about all those other rites of passage and affirmations - the
christenings, the 60th birthdays and the silver wedding anniversaries?
And they are just the traditional events. Money is also being spent on baby
showers, 16th birthday parties and school proms (formerly known as the
end-of-exams disco).
There are plenty of wildly extravagant tales reported in the newspapers, such
as Topshop boss Philip Green spending 4m on a three-day bar mitzvah
celebration for his teenage son, and Elton John wearing a 73,000 Louis XIV
costume for his 50th birthday party.
Elton John with partner David Furnish as they leave for the star's 50th
birthday party This still represents an unusual level of effort for a birthday
But it is not just tycoons and celebrities who are pulling out all the stops.
Gone are the small gatherings at home and cheap keepsakes such as the 21st key
to the door. Even granny's 80th birthday is more likely to be held in a posh
hotel with guests travelling half around the world to be there, with everyone
pitching in to buy her a cruise around the Mediterranean.
A survey by NS&I Savings suggests Britons attend on average four milestone
events each year, spending 120 on each one. Almost a third said they were
worried about the cost, while 50% believed such celebrations had become
increasingly expensive.
Cultural historian Christopher Cook says the fundamental change is that these
celebrations used to be family affairs, private and inward-looking.
"Now they have become huge public events. And this seems to have marched step
in step with an increasing affluence and emergence of a consumer-led society".
He traces it back to the 1980s, or the "me generation" as he calls it, when
"for the first time in British society, people thought money was intrinsically
good".
Essentially people started flashing their cash as "spending money demonstrated
one's status, worth and value", he adds.
Certainly there were big society parties in the 1920s and 1930s, he says, but
they were the preserve of the ruling classes. The trend for huge celebrations
has "extended socially from middle and top down to bottom" and "now we all
expect these events to be big and lavish".
He believes the growth of the celebrity has also encouraged people to splash
out on milestone events. "It gives you the opportunity to become as near a
celebrity as you can in your own life."
'Bigger and bigger'
Cook does not throw the blame across the Atlantic and says Britain has
developed its own distinct style of showing off. But there can be no doubt that
some of the more recent milestones - baby showers, 16th birthdays and proms -
have been inspired by America.
Prom mum - Deborah, 48, from Essex
My daughter recently went to her school prom. All the schools around here have
them.
The teenagers expect to wear evening dress and to arrive in a limo. The clothes
and accessories ended up costing well over 100.
Even if you hire a dress it's about the same. A group of families all chipped
for the limo, but that still cost 70 for each child.
It's such a lot of money for what's essentially a school disco, but they are
now treated as such big events.
It's ridiculous to get caught up in it all but your children don't want to be
left out, and you don't want them to be left out, so you end up going along
with it all.
The 16-year-olds of bygone years used to celebrate finishing their exams with a
disco in the assembly hall, drinking weak orange cordial and eating stale
crisps, while dancing along to the tape recorder or gramophone in the corner.
Now it's all about spray tans, big dresses, even bigger hair and 16-seater
limousines. Nine out of 10 secondary schools in Essex will reportedly be
hosting a prom or graduation ceremony for their students in the next six weeks.
Justine Roberts from Mumsnet says the growing popularity of proms and 16th
birthday parties is down to US TV shows such as My Super Sweet 16, Prom Queen
and High School Musical.
Baby showers are also an American import, she says, and they split the parents
who use her website.
"Some people think it is a nice way to mark a new beginning, while others think
it's too commercial and don't like the idea of inviting a load of people around
and demanding a gift.
"There's nothing wrong with these events in themselves but they are just
another way of getting us to spend a lot of money. And in these cash-strapped
times, there is a lot of pressure on families."
Most people love a bit of a party, but does it need to have such grandeur?
"Children start to expect bigger and bigger events and that means more and more
outlay," says Roberts. "It's hard to be the parent who says no."
'Bit stingy'
An entire industry has been built around milestones and it used to be case that
party planners were only hired by corporate firms or uber-wealthy individuals.
It was my 60th in January and my daughter Emma turned 30 in April so we decided
to have a cowboy and cowgirl party in August. We will have 100 people each.
I have always loved big parties. There will be hay bales, tepees, a bucking
bronco and a bonfire.
Using a party planner just takes the hassle out of it. They organised a
Moroccan theme for a housewarming party I threw and they even dressed up my
border terrier Otto in a Tommy Cooper fez and cape.
I love theme parties but I don't do parties which require the guests to make a
big dressing-up effort.
If I go to someone's birthday party and they are a close friend, I will buy
them a present. If not, I will just bring a bottle of champagne.
But Natalie Kiley, from Theme Traders, says their clients are on a range of
incomes and she believes many people are using parties as a way of escaping the
"doom and gloom" of the economic reality.
The whole package including marquee and catering will cost a minimum of 15,000
but schools, for instance, can hire red carpets and flames to make a dramatic
prom entrance for 800.
Celebrating everything under the sun and spending more and more money on the
parties throws up a dilemma for guests who cannot afford a decent gift, a new
outfit or the cost of travelling to an event.
Etiquette expert William Hanson says the cost of the present depends on how
long the guest has known the host and the occasion.
"If a lavish party is being put on then one is probably, unconsciously or
consciously, going to spend more money on a present for the host."
He suggests anything below 20 for a milestone event is probably a bit stingy,
whatever the relationship.
"If you really can't afford a decent present then it's probably best not to buy
anything. If they are a close friend they should understand your situation.
"If you can't afford the travel costs etc then the only thing you can do is not
go."
Despite these straitened times, the trend for bigger parties is unlikely to go
into reverse.