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By Finlo Rohrer
BBC News Magazine
The recent scandal over the handling of child abuse in the Catholic church has
again focused attention on celibacy. But away from the arguments, what is it
actually like to lead a life without having sex?
This is, we are told, a highly sexualised society.
HISTORY OF CELIBACY
and even these religions insist on pre-marital virginity, at least for women,"
says Elizabeth Abbott
in God's eyes
and thoughts to God
sex, eg Pope Alexander VI Source: Elizabeth Abbott, A History of Celibacy
In the 21st Century UK, indeed in almost all of the West, sexual imagery can be
found in many places, and many young people expect to have a number of sexual
partners before eventually settling down.
This perhaps may explain why the idea of a celibate lifestyle, as practised by
the clergy of the Catholic Church, as well as adherents of other religions,
causes a great deal of puzzlement among non-believers.
"In our sex-dominated society, people tend to view celibacy as a form of sexual
anorexia - a sad and lonely state at best, unnatural at worst," says Elizabeth
Abbott, author of A History of Celibacy.
Jimmy O'Brien was a priest for the best part of a decade before deciding he had
to leave his vocation. He has now been married for 20 years to a woman he met
while still a priest, and he has two children.
Born in Tipperary, Ireland, he started his training at 18. From a Catholic
background, he completely accepted the idea of celibacy. But after several
years as a priest in the south of England he began to change his mind.
"Accepting it was one thing and living it was another. Four or five years into
it, it's only then the implications of the decision you made were questioned.
"It isn't so much the celibacy aspect, it is the loneliness. At 28 or 29 a lot
of my friends were settling down and having children, my older brothers and
sisters were having children. There was no significant other there for you."
By the time he was 34, Mr O'Brien felt he had to leave to preserve his "own
personal sanity". Although he says he did not break his vows while a priest, he
had already met his future wife by the time he left.
"By this stage I had kind of got myself into a relationship with a woman and
was having to make that decision. It was a friendship that developed. When I
did leave, the relationship I was in went onto a different level."
MEANING OF CELIBACY
means a life without sex
sex
Even in slightly more conservative times, there have always been many for whom
celibacy was not easily understood. Former nun Mel Baird encountered many
baffled people in the late 1960s and 1970s.
"People thought I was completely mad," she notes, and there were some who made
wild allegations - that she was just odd, a lesbian, or even not celibate at
all.
"Some people couldn't understand it was possible to be fulfilled and to enjoy
what you were doing without being sexually active. It didn't mean I wasn't a
sexual being."
But the times were certainly different when Mrs Baird began training to be a
nun in 1965.
No imposition
"We are actually looking at quite a different climate. I had been brought up in
a Catholic home in a Catholic school, educated by nuns.
"I never saw celibacy as a deprivation. I never denied my femininity. I was
still a woman with the same feelings. It doesn't mean I wasn't interested in
men or interested in having children.
"I saw my choice to become a nun as part of what I needed to do to achieve the
whole. I didn't see it as an imposition."
There are practical aspects to celibacy - you can get up at three in the
morning to visit someone in hospital without worrying about how this will
affect your marriage
Fr Stephen Wang
And while the non-believer might be preoccupied with the idea of a constant
battle against multifarious temptation, Mrs Baird had support.
"You had the whole back-up of a [convent] community, unlike priests."
When the nuns were tempted they were encouraged to "pray or to go and do
something positive - it is about channelling that energy".
But Mrs Baird decided before taking her final vows that she was not destined to
be a nun for life.
"I was beginning to wonder whether I was in the right place. At 26 I wasn't the
same person I was at 18. I had experienced life. I had grown up. I no longer
found it fulfilling.
"I would have become miserable. There is such a thing as a temporary vocation."
Human intimacy
Serving priest Fr Stephen Wang - who has written on the subject - does not see
celibacy as a privation.
"There are struggles. Times of loneliness; sexual desires; dreams about what
marriage and fatherhood would be like. I don't think most of this is about
celibacy - it's about being human."
Fr Wang sees practical arguments for celibacy, but is more moved by the idea
that as a single person, Jesus and the parishioners have a central place in his
life. And, most importantly, he is happy.
I don't think you would want to commit someone to living their life in a fish
bowl
Jimmy O'Brien Former priest
"You need affection and human intimacy. I've got some wonderful friends. I get
home to see my family every couple of weeks. I escape to the cinema now and
then. And I pray. Not to fill the gaps, because some of them can never be
filled, but because the love of Christ is something very real and very
consoling.
"I'm aware that it gives me a freedom of heart that is a unique gift. It helps
me stay close to Christ, and draws me closer to the people I meet each day."
Neither Mrs Baird nor Mr O'Brien left their vocation to pursue a hedonistic
lifestyle.
Both married and had children. Both are in professions that represent a
continuity from the caring side of their previous calling - Mrs Baird has
pursued a career in psychiatric nursing, while Mr O'Brien has worked with
vulnerable children and now runs children's homes.
Both are still active and dedicated Catholics. Neither were condemned by fellow
Catholics for the decision they made.
Mrs Baird does believe that those in a religious community, monks and nuns,
should have to accept celibacy, or leave as she did. But she says priests
should have a choice about whether to be celibate, at least in part to stop the
church losing otherwise devoted clergymen.
For Mr O'Brien there is an argument for married priests as there is an argument
for women priests, but from a personal point of view he would not necessarily
have stayed as a priest were he allowed to marry.
"From a personal choice I don't think you would want to commit someone to
living their life in a fish bowl."
Additional reporting by Clare Spencer
We in the UK live in a society where instancy is almost mandatory. The most
pernicious advertising slogan ever was the first strapline of Access cards (now
part of Mastercard) : "It takes the waiting out of wanting." Doesn't that
sum-up, in a phrase, what's wrong with the majority of human behaviour?
Jeffrey, Sheffield
I totally agree with Michael's view. Our society made it hard on everyone to
stick to values we once believed in maybe. I believe also that relationships
breakdown, rise in STDs, dysfunctional families and even criminal behaviour
have been influenced in the way we conduct ourselves when it come to sex
matters. Why? because sex is such a unique expereince, such a fusion betwen 2
people, can create such a bond that it can not be taken lighlty. The very
notion of sex has been distorted by our society through media, shift of
mindsets etc. My onw belief is not only based on my christian living and
relationship with God: having had sex before - before marriage - and knowing
the consequences that has had on me and on so many other people that I know, I
know now that sex before marriage makes sense. Saves a lot of heartache. Helps
keep your sanity in check. Can litteraly save lives. OyeO, Southampton
You know, like all articles about lives "without" sex, this one makes me wonder
if I live in the same world as the one in which the news reports. I live
surrounded by single, atheist 20-somethings and the idea that in "our society"
the majority live lives of rampant promiscuity is as much a myth as the
sweating, madly repressed Christian. For a great many people, "life without
sex" just sort of happens, even if they used to have relationships which then
ended, and while they've never ruled it out, they're not actively prowling for
partners. Just as, historically, there was never a period when "everyone" was
married, for all of their lives. Call it Darwinian selection if it makes you
feel better- but "selfish sexual hedonism", even for people our age, is the
preserve of a very noisy minority (and I'm guessing not really a new one
either, just one that modern media makes more visible than they used to be, and
who are no longer confined to one social class). There may be a lot of single
people around, but Sex and the City is as much of a myth as Pride and
Prejudice. Lindsay, Sheffield
Mel Baird's argument that celibacy should be retained in religious communities
like convents and monasteries and be a matter of choice for priest in parishes
is already part of the Greek and Russian Orthodox traditions. It could be a
meaningful compromise solution if this matter was raised in any future general
council of the Church. Sarah, Lyon
"I don't think most of this is about celibacy - it's about being human."
Indeed, the reverend has hit the nail on the head. Humans have desires, and a
strong selective urge to do things that allow them to procreate. Denying those
urges is inhuman, and expecting that they can be successfully denied is as
silly as thinking that the urge to breathe can be successfully denied. Celibacy
goes against biology, and biology wins most of the time. Dave, Manhattan, KS -
USA
Whilst I may not be particularly religious I respect anyone who sacrifices and
devotes themselves to their passion. We live in a world of instant
gratification and to see an example of such dedication to principles can only
be a positive thing. To meditate you need to cut out all distractions so if you
live a life of meditation and contemplation then I can see why sex could get in
the way. James, Tunbridge Wells
Having an active, intimate relationship with Christ is wonderful. It is so
powerful that it makes the decision not to be sexually active (unless you are
married to the person with whom you are being sexually active) so much easier
to make and enact. It doesn't make it a trivial burden, but it does convert it
into something that is a relatively minor imposition. This is something the
World cannot understand, but it is the truth. And in it's lack of
understanding, the World brandishes this celibacy as unnatural -
borderline-to-actually deviant. A nice, big, tarry brush to slop around without
care or discrimination. The problems lie with the World's view on the place of
sexual activity and the place of celibacy and not with the decision of the
individual as to which model to follow. Simon Wellicome, Woking, Surrey
No matter whether you believe in creation or evolution, nobody can deny that
sex is an intrinsic part of a human being's functionality. Nature intended
humans to be sexual and to reproduce. Celibacy is a perversion, pure and
simple. Andy, London, UK
I think a more relevant category for many non-clergy/lay people in this day and
age, is chastity. Often this has been identified with celibacy, but as Abbot
Christopher Jamison says (in his 'Finding Happiness') it should be thought of
as faithfulness to one's sexual status. Sustaining long-term, deep and
meaningful relationships in the twenty-first century western countries has
become deeply challenging, especially for so-called generations X and Y.
We are exposed to sexually provocative images on a daily basis - on buses, in
magazines, newspapers (all types of advertising), and we are often at a loss
when it comes to being faithful to our partners. Just like the TV show, we are
the Friends generation - a group characterised by the experience of great
difficulty in making life-choices, especially in the area of relationships. The
concept of chastity - and the wider narrative offered by authors such as Abbot
Christopher Jamison can give guidance to the millions of people struggling to
live with integrity, peace of mind, and depth and stability in relationships.
Aaron, Camberwell, London
I am 31 and have only recently come out of celibacy despite being somewhat
agnostic. There are many reasons outside of religion why people choose to be
celibate which you have not listed in your article. For me, I was waiting until
I have found the right person. Describing your feelings for someone is
certainly more convincing when you chose to come out of celibacy. Dean Shaw,
South Coast
The rules on pre-marital sex are the same for men and women in Islam. Mamoon
Razaq, Keighley, England
This is no different to smoking, drinking or gambling! If people are told not
to do something, or told something is bad for them, then they will always be
curious of it. It is better to let people explore and make their own decisions
as to whether they want sex in their life. Graham Davies, Aldershot
Perhaps we're in danger of equating sexual activity with being human, or
abstinence with abnormality. This was the fallacy in Dan Brown's book The Da
Vinci Code - that Jesus could only have been human if he'd had sex with someone
else. Nick, London, UK
The idea of sexual self control is entirely foreign to our society, as is the
sanctity of sex itself. In age where prostitution, pornography and promiscuity
are rife, people have simply lost what is special about sex. Celibacy is not
just for nuns, monks and priests. Every Christian agrees that sex is something
for marriage - an incredible gift to share with one person and explore it
together. As we lose that uniqueness, we separate sex from love, and society
travels further down the road it is on - selfish sexual hedonism.
And I say that as a 21-year-old red blooded unmarried Christian man. I'm am
getting married this year. I used to be desperate to have sex - but now, I am
just desperate to be with my wife. Love, not lust. Michael, Glasgow
As an Anglican, I've always found the Catholic practice of confession to a male
celibate priest a rather bizarre idea, and one that would make me feel most
uncomfortable. Someone once described it to me as confessing your darkest deeds
and secrets to a man who's never experienced what it is you did or felt. A
married priest on the other hand, whether male or female, is surely more likely
to be able to identify with you, and thus be more reassuring, than a man who's
probably never experienced what you're talking about? Anna, Bangor, Wales
I've often thought that the whole celibacy thing was more a punishment for
being in God's service than a reward. Our own family priest, High Anglican,
would have been Catholic had it not been for that very issue. In the interest
of safety and sanity I believe the Catholic Church, especially in light of
todays news, should allow those who lead it's flocks that wish to engage in
normal sexual relationiships to do so, it might save a lot of innocent people a
life time of grief. Or better still, do not let people into this service until
they are older and have actually experienced that which they are to forever
live without and see if this is truely what they want. I could have no more
been a nun at 20 than President of the United States. Now, at 50 and five years
of being a "born again virgin" had I the inclination, it could happen.
Lvit2Bieber, Shingletown, CA, USA
Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8644120.stm
Published: 2010/04/26 11:27:48 GMT