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SOCIAL OBSERVATIONS ABOUT NETWORK LUSERS
A General TXT on My Personal Gleanings
and Experience with Network Neophytes
and the Everyday Joe/Jane "luser".
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information,which is proof
against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep us in everlasting
ignorance............that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
Herbert Spencer
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BY: F A R T B L O S S O M
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Sept. 8, 2004
;)_
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To quote a saying by the infamous Bastard Operator from Hell, "They never
learn." No statement written about network lusers has ever rung more true
than that simple phrase. People simply do not learn, they do not want to
learn, they fight the process and the more one tries to enforce learning or
encourage learning, more and more resistance is met.
Example from the open road: A guy pulls out in front of a truck after
running a red light and narrowly misses getting hit. Two weeks later at
the same intersection he pulls the same stunt. I have seen this scenario
repeated over and over right in front of my house, at the local K-Mart
red light, and on main street in the local town at the busiest inter-
section in the entire city. Same cars same people same scenario and
they never learn.
The only time they get the hint is when luck runs out and they end up
in the hospital or dead. Like Mother used to say of my dear sister,
"She won't believe I will whip her until she feels the sting of the
switch." And usually when they get the hint, if the live through the
accident they have the fucking audacity to sue the person who hit them
even though it wasn't the other person's fault.
I write this from the (albeit biased) standpoint and position of veteran
sysad for numerous WAN/LAN's for about 8 years. This is what I do, how
I make my money and suffice it to say dealing with end users has caused
no small amount of stress in my life over the years.
When I first began this task of luser management, along with workstation
break/fix and WAN/LAN sysad duties back in early 1995 I kept having the
feeling that I was being left behind. I didn't know much about computers
or networking back then, so I maintained a constant effort over the years
to learn all I could about my newly acquired craft. When I finally began
managing my own systems as senior IT I finally got appreciation for the
oft repeated phrase, "In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king."
When I, the humble meek computer geek fizzled onto the sysad scene
I discovered a profound truth. I KNOW MORE THAN THEY DO. I was stunned
that all of the talented degreed and credentialed folks I was serving as
sysad for knew ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING about computers and eight years
later the SAME FUCKING PEOPLE STILL DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS.
THAT SIMPLE FACT ABSOLUTELY FLOODED AND FLOORED MY SIMPLE HICK MIND AT THE TIME! How could I know more than someone with a PhD when I barely made
it through the 12th grade?
They dont want to know about computers, they want it all done for them
since they are too fucking stupid and lazy to learn something new. This
is not only referring to older lusers, but the young ones as well. They
churn them out of the big industry mechanism stupid. The college kids
exist to make a professor smile, so they can get an A. Don't think for
yourself, think the way I tell you and I smile on your Doctorate.
"Madness," as biblical King Solomon might say as the Preacher, all is madness."
------- topic switches abruptly ------------------------------------------
I can't tell you the number of times I get blamed for walking past a server
room and when the power cycles I get bitched at because it must've been
something I did. After all I was in the area. And I am an asshole in
their eyes, therefore it isn't the fault of the power company, since I
have all these fucking magical TCP/IP wizard telepathy powers I control
the fucking power grid.
I hate stereotypes.
(A quick sidenote, I often mention to my wife that this is what racial discrimination must feel like. It sucks to be on the shitty end of a preconcieved notion.) Or as Frank Zappa might say, it is called
"SMELLING THE GLOVE."
About my assistant, she is an excellent pc tech and is wonderful with
the dear lusers whereas I usually come across as a dickhead or asshole
to them. I don't know why since I try like hell to be nice, I guess they
can't handle a non-degreed ex-vet bossing their superior padded PHD
asses around in the computer arena. Alas that is the corporate curse of
the humble yet knowlegeable sysad. You know more than they do therefore
you are an asshole.
I cite examples of ineptitude:
1. Most people I work with don't know how to create an icon in Windows.
2. Most people choose passwords like this:
baby daddy baseball triplets (their initials) (their birthday)
3. Most lusers have a memory as long as my dick.
4. Most lusers put passwords in desk drawers, under mousepads and my
personal favorite, they WRITE IT ON THE FUCKING MONITOR ON A DAMN
STICKY NOTE. So much for network security.
5. Most lusers refer to Windows 97 as their operating system or Microsoft
as their operating system when asked.
6. Most lusers can't differentiate between physical RAM and a hard drive.
Example: How much memory do I have? Can I get rid of some of it to
free up space on my machine?
7. Most lusers can barely operate MS Word
8. The most frequent question I am asked on initial PC orientation of
new employees is, "What's a URL?"
9. The next question I get, even though I manage over 1000 nodes, 20
WAN links and over 5000 users is, "Do you read our email?"
FUCK NO I DON'T READ YOUR EMAIL. DON'T FLATTER YOUR LITTLE SELF. I HAVE
SO MUCH WORK TO DO SUPPORTING YOUR CONSTANT DESTRUCTION OF MY PC'S THAT
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO READ MY OWN EMAIL.
10.I have once watched a former sysad friend of mine convince a lady
who was a veteran computer trainer that her problem was leaking
packets. He actually had her on the floor looking for packets that
fell out of her laptop connector and out of the wall jack, NO SHIT!
I almost pissed myself I laughed so hard. And this lady was teaching
other employees! Isn't that novel? The Bible tells us "if the blind
lead the blind, both fall into the ditch."
11.My favorite bitch of all: "Do you do computer work on the side?"
Read this to mean, "I want my pc/modem/monitor/hard drive/data/mouse/
keyboard/floppy/scanner/printer fixed absolutely free because after
all I want something for nothing and you must give it to me because
I am a luser and can tattletale to the boss that you are mean."
(If I have to fix one more Packard Bell Legend, one more shitty ass
Hp Pavillion I am going to go ballistic on somebody!!!!!!)
So you might ask what is the point of this article. Mainly I wanted to
vent and since I am such an asshole (I am really not, ask my wife) I
have no other folks to vent to. You might also ask, "If you hate the
lusers so much why do you keep staying there?" Good question. This
seems to be the best place for me to further my career.
I have excellent access to the latest and greatest technology.
Plus its hard to find a job in this recessive economic downturn. All
of the sysads are being axed for cheaper prices in India.
It seems everyone wants a degreed sysad and I don't have one. While
most were busy going to college and fucking their sweethearts and playing
at being a man, I was busy serving my country during Desert Storm in the
good old US MILITARY. So I don't have a fucking degree, looks like I am
stuck here until someone feels sorry for me. :( I, just as the simple
little lusers I faithfully and dutifully serve, have a wife and home
and bills and I have to eat too.
The main point I wanted to get to is this. Most people are sheep. Just
like Jesus said in the Bible, "All like sheep have gone astray." True
and even I have done some dumb stuff in my life. But I try like hell to
learn and not repeat mistakes. Your average Joe and Jane luser does not.
First, they hate the machine. They resent it. They fear it and all who
come in defense of the PC. They don't want it. Management forces them
to use it and won't have it any other way. The luser has bills to pay
and kids and a husband or wife at home to take care of, therefore the
machine is a hated entity because it is forced upon them. True enough.
They are hereby stuck in a hard position.
They hate technology but are forced to use it, the economy won't let them
leave for a better job, their home life probably sucks ass, therefore
the popular pastime is, "Hey, lets take it out on the computer guy!"
"He has no life, its his fault." I am the embodiment of pure human to
machine interface. I am the computer come in man-form to their pathetic
little cubicles. I am therefore the target of all their frustrations.
Or as I have told my wife, I am like an ambulance driver. I usually get
them when its almost too late. I really really want to help, and I really
want what's best for them. I swear to God I do.
Persecution complex you say? Perhaps. Schizophrenic musings of an
intelligent lunatic? Fuck you for noticing. I just gave up Zoloft
for cigarettes again. You believe whatever the hell you wish. At least I
am honest with myself. Narcissist? Fuck no. Anti-social? You bet, a
learned behavior. These stomach pains are for real motherfucker.
A lot of lusers are close to retirement and hatefully despise technology.
I have often heard even our CEO state, "I wish we could just somehow
get rid of all of the computers and go back to the old way." I actually
heard that oral turd dispenser say that on numerous occasions.
The CEO also mentioned (on the 15th time he got a complaint) that I was mean,
to the poor, unfortunate always right and perfect lusers, and he
threatened to fire me. I in a super nice way told him to fire me now
and not to wait. Don't fuck around, do it NOW! Right fucking now!
Don't dangle that carrot, don't threaten me. I will flip fucking hamburgers
if that is what I have to do. I am not too proud.
He hesitated and I am still not fired five years later. He won't
fire me and do you know why? It would cost him double to pay someone now
to replace me and that person would probably have a learning curve of at
least 18 months to get up to speed. Plus it would take a new sysad
about 1 year to restabilize what I picked up as a large fucking cobbled
together excuse of a WAN/LAN.
I literally rebuilt this unorganized grabastic hunk of shit cheap WAN
from scratch. They had no program until I got here. No pride because I
fought, scratched, bitched, whined, complained, and prayed prayed prayed to
God every step of the way. So I guess God gets the credit, not me.
Let me put this to you. Nobody is permanant. Everyone is expendable and
even I never forget this rule. I am quite sure they could find some little
eager upstart to take my desk, my terminal and my job from me. And the
sad thing is the little shit probably has a college degree. He may even
know a little about networks, perhaps the OSI model.
But do you know the one thing Mr. College doesn't have that I have?
Experience with all sorts of people and machinery to be exact. I was
in a maintenance and electronics career for 15 years before I became sysad.
I have worked on everything from radio to microwave, to weapons systems to
VCR's. I have soldered boards, built houses, mixed paint, and broken
into combination locks (legally). I have shoveled shit, helped calves
give birth and made homebrew antennas to pick up long range radio stations
with. I have plowed fields and rebuilt engines, I have been both grounded
and on top of the world.
What else do I have that Mr. College still shitting yellow doesn't? I have
the heart, mind, body, and soul of a sysad. Good admins are made, not
born. It takes work to get up every day even though you feel like never
getting out of bed again and have taken 81 asschewings this year already
for shit they keep piling on you that you have yet to finish, and haven't
enough time or techs to help you.
What else do I have Mr. Fucking Know it all college PUNK doesn't have?
I care about my lusers. I really really do. I don't want them to lose
their data, or their pc to a virus. Hell no!
What else do I exhibit that Mr. College fresh wannabe doesn't? I am true
to my God and to myself. I do not like to lie to me. I know what I know
and that is all I know, but I want to know more and more. I spend hours
upon hours in books, on the 'Net trying to learn one more thing to insulate
my lusers from the real world of computing. Anything I can do to make their
lives and mine easier that is what I look for. Nothing else will do.
I want to make them happy. Yet they still fucking fight me and turn me
in because I say what they don't like, I tell them the truth. Yes the
drive has crashed and you lost everything. They can't handle that.
One more final thing I have that college boy doesn't. I have humility.
Humility of a kind that is born in the crucible of hard ass mind numbing
deadlines, and thankless work and hard decisions daily. My humility was
born of numerous ass-chewings, numerous deflations of my pride. Humility
is setting up Netware 41 times on the same fucking box until you get it
right, learning each step of the way. Humility is working on a pc for
three weeks, only to find out it was something retarded all along like
an unseated stick of ram. Be humble, be available, but be wise as a
serpent and harmless as a dove.
I have news for you lusers. Computers are not going away. They are here
to stay and sysads like me are always going to be needed. Be nice to us
because there will come a fateful day when your drive crashes, you get a
virus and you will need our services. You do reap what you sow, that much
I have learned in all my trials and tribulations of life in general and as
a sysad.
It is getting quite late and I am quite sure I have wasted enough of your
valuable time reading this. I think the BOFH put my real feelings in print
best: "I know I have that LAN cable I spliced into the power cord somewhere.
" MWUAHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
FART BLOSSOM
SOMEWHERE DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF THE NEW SOUTH
MAY SHE RISE AGAIN!
EOF