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P R O D U C T I O N S
Presents...
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How to get Free Cable
by
Doktor B0lliX N. Makari
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Eleventh Hour Publishing
It's late at night, the lights are out and the dull white and black static
of the television dances on the screen. Phredd sits and grimly watches the
meaningless, squiggling patterns. This is the channel where Cinemax *should*
be, but due to Phredd's thin and worn wallet, he must do with white noise.
Later in the month, Phredd stays home from work and ignores his lithe,
attractive girlfriend's pleas. He rushes to the television, leaving a
spiralling trail of popcorn and cookie crumbs behind him. He is ready for the
most incredible adventure of the year... his short period of *free* Cinemax,
Disney Channel, HBO and The Movie Channel! He sits on the edge of his seat,
watching Dumbo and Stallone... and when the week-end is over, he is reduced to
a red-eyed static zombie once more.
"Aha," you murmur, "This sad tale of woe has been repeated many times
over, and as I am neither rich nor an electronics genius, I cannot get free
cable pay channels like HBO." But let us go back to poor Phredd's predicament.
His nerves are frayed, as poor Phredd knows that tonight is his last night of
movie enjoyment. Then, from the clinging shadows of night, Doktor Bollix steps
forth and tips his black hat.
Phredd stumbles backwards and gasps in amazement, "I th-thought I locked
the door!"
"I entered via the window, eh wot?" Bollix mumbles, some sort of gummi
candy peering from between his lips. Bollix stands beside Phredd's cable box
after a few quick strides, and roughly yanks the lovingly attached cable in the
back, plucking it free.
"Aiiieeee! Schwarzenegger is gone! What have you done???" Phredd springs
from the sofa, bruising his fragile skull and damaging the ceiling. "My cable!
My life!" Moans Phredd.
"Shut up and listen. When the cable company computers decide to give you a
channel for free, they send a code to you via your cable, switching the channel
'on'. Thus it remains for a given duration, and when the time's up...."
"No more Cinemax... <weep>"
Bollix leans against a plant, "When time's up, they send another signal to
your box, shutting the channel 'off'. However, if your cable box is
disconnected for a few days, the 'off' signal never reaches it and the channel
remains 'on'!" Bollix smiles. "And you don't pay a thing."
Phredd's bleary eyes gaze upwards in wonder at Bollix. "Y-y-you mean... I
get the Disney Channel, FOR FREE??" Bollix nods with a grin. "Wow! I shall
never be sad again! no more late-night eyestrain! I can't believe it... "
"Keep calm, Phredd."
"How can I ever repay you?" a vibrant Phredd asks.
"Just spread the word of "Bob". You just received a major imbuement of
slack. Enjoy." Bollix wriggled back out the window, and disappeared with a
faint "Praise Dobbs" echoing in the distance. And Phredd leaned back in his
chair, relaxed and confident and watched the blank screen of the television as
he waited for morining. A new morning in his new world of cable. Free cable.
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A B0lliX spiel -- 5/24/91
Hail to Tamara. Enjoy Manhattan, and send me a card from Belgium when you go
home! Greets to Aldebaran, who has no cable, and Lester who has it all, thanks
to a properly placed paper-clip. (And yer father's a *cop*??)
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(C) 1991 by Janitor Brand & The Eleventh Hour
All Rights Curiously Examined And Contemplated
"The Purple Duck Flies South at Noon"
Call these fine boards:
The Janitor's Closet - (617) 69X-XXXX
The Works - (617) 861-8976