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--(gargle)---------------------------------------------------------------------
              y0lk: top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself
--(snort)----------------------------------------------------------------------
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--(you just can't let go of that font, can you?)-------------------------------

        bah.  go fuck yourself.  i'm following the whole zine mentality of "who
gives a fuck?  is it worth the effort?"  et cetera... and i know it's working
because i'm getting noticed.  y0lk is like communism.  even by disgracing and
insulting it, you continuously empower it by giving it what it needs most,
recognition.  karl marx once said something to that effect.

        not to sound like i'm pro-communist or anything.  communism, i believe,
is an incredible idea that nobody will ever perfect.  why is this?  because
once granted with the leadership of a new communist government, no man could
withdraw from the opportunity that he is given.  in other words, commies like
to take advantage of their priveleges and suck up your life.

--(what the fuck)--------------------------------------------------------------

        yeah, i know.  get out your thesaurus, it's another creed issue.  i'm
just trying to sound cool by using big words and giving untouched opinions on
worn-down social issues.  see?  even that last sentence was superfluous.  and
look!  i'm doing it again!  "superfluous!"  christ help me, i can't stop.

--(what the fuck)--------------------------------------------------------------

        i've been wondering for a while if i should continue with y0lk.  i
don't even know how to read a zine.  i tried to read dto #3 tonight, along with
some other zines, but i couldn't concentrate.  if i find something that doesn't
concern me, i escape and stop reading.  i'm a self-centered little prick.

--(what the fuck)--------------------------------------------------------------

        ok, on to goofy shit.  today i had a 2-hour conversation with someone
from nicaragua.  i love nicaragua.  i fucking WORSHIP nicaragua!(#%*!(#%*@(%*
anyway, this dude wants me to set up a web page for a campaigning nicaraguan
presidential candidate.  and i'm getting paid.  these are the rewards you get
when you hang out in #nicaragua all day.


                          @#i_am_a_40_year_old_man_who_likes_to_dress_up_in_a_+
                          gorilla_costume_and_masturbate_in_public


        see?  this is what i do all day.

--(management)-----------------------------------------------------------------

        i don't do anything for y0lk anymore.  i mean, besides being the most
active writer, i don't do shit for y0lk or y0lknet.  hooch does 60% of the
packaging and management, mindcrime does everything for y0lknet, and yet, i
take all the credit for y0lk.  just thought i'd let you know.  i'm a
self-centered little prick.

--(hey creed, what do you do all day?)-----------------------------------------

        that's a good time killer.  a rough estimation of standard events on an
average day.  i sound like a conehead.

--(huh?)-----------------------------------------------------------------------

        yeah.

FREE DAY:

        on a free day, i get up around 3:00pm, stumble in to the shower, and
cleanse myself.  i'm a pretty normal dude, eh?  yep.  after i get out of the
shower, i go back to sleep for about a half hour, god knows why.  but when
that's all over, i limp downstairs and have breakfast.  2 cokes and a fat-free
pop tart.  why do they even make fat-free pop tarts?  i mean, they're pop
tarts.  fat-free or not, they'll find a way to kill you.  they will.  i've seen
it.

        after my morning shit, i go upstairs and boot my computer.  i telnet to
a mud, which i play mindlessly for about 6 hours.  then i decide that i've
wasted enough of my brain for one day, and i should go downstairs again and do
something intelligent.  i usually end up watching tv.  i hate television.

        i go upstairs, check on the mud one last time, and log off my internet
provider at about 8:00pm.  yeah, fun.  i've wasted the day and all my friends
are too lame to go out after 8.  then again, so am i.  i call a few bbs's and
update myself on y0lknet.  then i dial irc, and spend the rest of my night
there, until i see the sun rise.

        there's my sad 24 hour dial routine.  right now i can feel my
cerebellum rotting.  seriously, is that not sad?  does that not make you think,
'damn, he's the most pitiful dialer ever!' ...?  well, i am.  sorry.

        did i mention eating?  well, i don't eat meals.  seriously.

--(you're lamer than ever)-----------------------------------------------------

        wait, there's more.

SCHOOL DAY:

        i get up at 6:30, take a shower, and go back to bed for 15 minutes,
much like i would on a free day.  then i go downstairs, have my pop tart and 1
coke, and leave for school.  when i arrive, i find my little spot in the hall
and sleep for another 15 minutes.  then i get up, ask my friends what happened
in the stupid morning assembly, and go to class.

        i sleep some more, on and off, between period 1-3, unless i have
drawing.  drawing rools, i actually do shit in that class =).  then period 4
i have acting.  it's a small class and somewhat interesting, so i try to
withdraw myself without falling asleep.  i'm so damn antisocial.  fifth period
i have lunch, usually.  i eat lunch and go to the band room, where i either
record with my stupid band "goat meat," or listen to my friend's stupid band,
"dr�l."

        i usually have 2 more classes, where i actually pay attention, because
i'm not tired at all.  that's when people look up and say, "dave?  you're in my
class?"  when they find my eyes open and my head away from the desk.  woo.

        after that i usually have 1 hour free.  that's when i go back to the
band room, or to the art room, or the counselor's office, if i've been summoned
that day.  heh.

        then school ends.  yay.  i watch all my friends leave on the buses as i
stay at school in misery.  then i am send to the damn weight room, because the
principal of the high school at my school doesn't think i get enough sleep.  he
wants to tire me out by sending me to work out.  fuck him.

        maybe some people don't understand this, but i DESPISE the weight room.
i hate jocks.  i hate anyone that plays any sport.  i hate the smell of the
weight room.  i hate how they turn on all those really bad radio stations and
make me listen to them.  i hate how they make me WORK in there.  i hate you.
i hate everything.

        i'm the anti-fitness buff at my school.  i hardly have the energy to
stand up.  anyway, after about an hour in there, i go to the after-school study
hall, where i'm also forced to go, and stare at the ceiling until 5:00pm.  then
i get to leave.  i go home and dial for the rest of the day, then sleep at
about 3:00am.  yay.

--(dork)-----------------------------------------------------------------------

        my life sounds sad when i talk about it.  it isn't.  it's mostly just
boring.  this is why y0lk exists.

--(heh)------------------------------------------------------------------------

        hey, guess what i did yesterday!  my stupid friend's dad got his car
stuck in a mud pit, and we sat there for 5 hours, from 3pm to 8pm!  wicked!
heh.  it sucked.  but there is a happy ending.  the place where we got stuck,
the giant mud pit, was declared a total hazard and there was police line
surrounding the area.  i stole a shitload of it.  police tape rools!#%(*!(#@%*!
yep.

        so there's my collection of sorrow for this issue.  i see i've run over
my own attention span, so i'll conclude this issue.  bye.

--(go away)--------------------------------------------------------------------

        fine.

                               - fin -


--(editor's comment)-----------------------------------------------------------

        go out right now and buy the new pumpkins album.  blah.  my issues are
getting significantly longer.                                           -creed

--(chief shepherd's comment)---------------------------------------------------
heh. i'd just like to comment on that whole `hooch does 60% of all the y0lk
shit and mindcrime does all of the y0lknet shit.' WHO THE FUCK JUST GOT THE
TOTAL Y0LKNET BOARD TOTAL MORE THAN DOUBLED IN ONE DAY? HUH? WHO WAS IT. ME!@
YEAH, I'M THE FUCKING MAN BEHIND Y0LK, WOOHO!@!*(@&#$

actually, that's true, but mc does run y0lknet. yup, i'm the man behind y0lk.
but i get no credit, cuz i'm neither y0lk's editor or y0lknet's runner. but,
that's good. i'd rather not get credit for it. i'd rather have the luxury of
being able to slack, and let the REAL people run it. heh.

creed, if you kill y0lk, i'll kill YOU. i don't see why you'd want to kill it

fight the power. i heard rae kwon in the weight room yesterday. wo00hoo0. -h0
--(index)----------------------------------------------------------------------

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$ issue $.                       title                                     `$
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 001 `$ the other white meat                                             `$
$  002  $ several k-rad elite haxors sitting around a campfire and grooving $
$  003  $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars.                     $
$  004  $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin                $
$  005  $ household uses for afghanistanian food                            $
$  006  $ pour cement down my anus                                          $
$  007  $ hail santa!                                                       $
$  008  $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties?                    $
$  009  $ lunchables rock.                                                  $
$  010  $ t-shirts and toejam                                               $
$  011  $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview                    $
$  012  $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta]              $
$  013  $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@                   $
$  014  $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink                                   $
$  015  $ bedazzled by the eliteness                                        $
$  016  $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina            $
$  017  $ i am a warez pup - who are you?                                   $
$  018  $ lemmings                                                          $
$  019  $ the science of astrology                                          $
$  020  $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene            $
$  021  $                                                                   $
$. 022 ,$ top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself                        ,$
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issues 1-5, 7, 9, 15-16, and 22 by creed
issues 6, 8, 11-13, and 17 by hooch
issue 10 by bEdlAM
issue 14, 18, and 21 by phorce
issue 19 by belial
issue 20 by creed + hooch

mindcrime is an official y0lk member.

note: if you have written an issue, you are a y0lk member, have a y0lk member
      board, etc.  woo.