💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ezines › textfiles › ezines › TURD › turd-02.… captured on 2021-12-05 at 23:47:19.
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/\/\OO/\/\ ASCII BAT AND STUFF PROUDLY PRESENT /\/\OO/\/\
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THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
AN EZINE FOR ZOMBIES
NEW FILES FOR OLD SCHOOL ZOMBIES
THIS IS THE SECOND TURD FILE, IT'S DIFFERENT THAN THE FIRST TURD FILE!
You have no idea how hard it is being a zombie. People only see us in movies
or cartoons. But zombies have it rough. I mean I was only cast for 3 movies
last year. Can you believe a big zombie star like me was only in three movies?
Most of the time we zombies walk with our hands out. Not me, I am always the
one slumping and dragging one foot. I patented that move in the movie Get
Along Little Zombie in 1946. What people don't know is that we zombies live
longer than vampires , and we are much stronger too. Where vampires drink
blood, we eat brains, and there is a lot of protein in brains. When I am on a
movie set, I need a buffet of brains. I mainly like stir fry brains with
breasts over skin flakes. If I had to choose the best type of brains I would
have to say gay Arab. Their brains always have an extra spice to them.
Oh you wanna know how I became a zombie??
Well ok.
Well back in the early 1800's I was a blacksmith who owned my own shop. But
one day my workers got mad at me and threw me in a kiln. While I was burning I
pulled one worker in and I ate his brains. After I died from the burns, I
arose with scaly skin and a hunger for brains. I soon found out there was a
market for my talents, eating brains that is. So I decided to market myself in
plays where I would eat brains. I starred in many plays and movies throughout
my illustrious career as a zombie actor. I even won an Oscar for best zombie
in a horror movie. This award was scratched from the bill after I ate the
brains of the person who presented me the award. I didn't feel too bad
considering it was Judge Reinhold's father, Jury Reinhold. Well I just
basically ate brains and acted in movies until now. That was my story, if you
don't believe me. I'll eat your brain.
END OF TURD #2
WRITTEN BY: STUFF
11-19-02