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Issue 0006: "The gentle art of spamming" The Internet Sux
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The internet has brought us many things.
Some good. Some bad and some Wonderful!
One of those Wonderful things is spamming!
Imagine, sending out your message, no matter
how inane to thousands of people so dumb and
ignorant of the media that they are forced
to read!
Well IMAGINE NO MORE! The future is here, now!
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Spam.
You've heard of it. You've even seen it in grocery stores. Ads
hanging from every wall and banister trying to get you to spend
just a little bit more of your money. If only, yes if only, you
could put that kind of power to work for you. Well you can. It
doesn't matter if your goal is to sell the new whisper3000 self
cleaning toilet cover or to harvest children for your colony, the
Internet is here for you!
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First.
Well now that you know the Net is yours to do with as you please
you need a bit more info on what is and what isn't spam. Spam, or
helpful information as some call it, is when you send a message
to many email addresses or to many newsgroups at once. This is
actually quite trivial to do. First off give a call to this phone
number: 215/628.9780 and ask for help on spamming the net until
Kibo dies. Really thats it. That simple step will get your email
sent to hundreds of thousands of potential victims. I thought that
maybe I would have included a long rant here on the merits of
various spam kings but really, what's the point? CyberPromo is the
best.
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Flame.
Okay if you've sent out your rant you have no doubt gotten many a
flame now. Many. Many a flame. How do you deal with such? Well there
are a couple of methods:
1) Claim ignorance. "I didn't know this newsgroup wasn't for talking
about building your own clam farm!!!! IM SORRY!!" or "I thought
even militant feminists would be interested in young sexy teen-age
cheerleaders! Guess I won't do you guys any more favours!!!"
2) Claim hacked. "Someone /HIJACKED/HACKED/COMPROMISED/ my account
and used it to spam you guys!!!! IM SORRY!!!!!"
3) Ignore flames. Simply ignore the flames and filter them out to
/dev/null... of course these could be future customers!
4) Flame back. "THE INTERNET IS FREE AND I AM USING FREE SPEECH SO
LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FASCIST COMMUNIST PINKOS!!!! IF I WANT TO SELL
THE MAGNADUSTER 87K HERE THEN I WILL!!!!! FUCK IU!!!@#!@#"
All methods get about the same result. Choose the one that best
effects your Karma.
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Down.
Depression set in? from your horrible spamming? Just recall these
little tidbits of wisdom from CyberPromo themselves:
(http://www.cyberpromo.com/)
"SPAMford and SON" say: "One man's junk is another man's treasure."
"SON of SPAM" says: "Sending an email advertisement isn't first degree
murder!"
SPAMford says:
> "If you burn down our house,
> we will build a new castle"
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this space reserved for a limited edition of tis.0006 in which LUK3
will be seen battling John Tesh to the death tentatively called
"Chords of Love and Destruction".
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The Internet Sux (0006) (c) 1997 y (juuri@well.com)
All references URLs are (c) their respective authors, or something.