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s u b v e r s i v e l i t e r a t u r e f o r
s u b v e r t e d p e o p l e
a p r i l 2 8 t h , 2 0 0 2
e d i t o r - b m c
- - - - ----==={ I N S T A L L M E N T 1 9 9 }===---- - - - -
w r i t e r s :
c v . c r u d
b m c
- - - - ----==={ F E A T U R E S }===---- - - - -
The Carpenter and the Jackrabbit
by CV.CRUD
The Stone
by BMC
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e d i t o r ' s n o t e
- - - - ---==={PLEASE DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING!}===--- - - - -
As tomorrow creeps up on us, this day is reduced to less than ruins. If
this is the case, how can we help but just fucking LIVE?
You are a sleepless Greyhound window. The night speeds me to you.
It was just one of those things, just one of those crazy things, one of
those bells that never gets rings, it was just one of those things.
BEEP BEEP BOOP - BOOP BOOP BEEP
BEEP BEEP BOOP - BOOP BOOP BEEP
BEEP BEEP BOOP - BOOP BOOP BEEP
BEEP BEEP BOOP - BOOP BOOP BEEP
I think that is about as much wisdom as I care to share with the world
today. Please feel free to add any thoughts of your own to these thoughts
that I toiled labouriously over.
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THE CARPENTER AND THE JACKRABBIT
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"Damned fuckin' thing!"
*WHACK*!YEOW!*
The sound of the Carpenter's thumb cracking underneath the mallet was
heard for miles through the Greek forest, along with his girlish holler.
"HOLY MOTHER OF-" he continued, picking up the mallet, hurdling it, and
sticking it into the a wooden plank. If it were a sport of the newly
built collesium, he would surely take the win.
A quite curious Jackrabbit, whom was in heat, heard the girlish scream of
the quite so not girlish carpenter. The Jackrabbit ran to offer the
screamer some aid in hopes of making some bunny love. The Jackrabbit
jacked as fast as he could - he could see the brush ahead of him. Because
of his floppy ears, he knew that it was the precise spot from where the
girlish voice came. He closed his eyes while going full speed and
pictured his landing position, bunnystyle. With his eyes closed he leaped
over the brush, landing square on the back of the carpenters head, and
begain jacking away. "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!" the carpenter jumped up, not
knowing what was happening to the backside of his cranium...
...A lonely Jackrabbit's new found method of Cranial De-virginising...
The capenter finally caught one of the rabbits ears and threw him with all
his force. Reality was finally beginning to set in on the rabbits not so
realistic fantasy. Then it did set in, immediatly upon him hitting the
stone wall. "COME HERE RABBIT!" yelled the Carpenter. "I NEED A NEW
LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT!"
The Rabbit stopped in his tracks and asked, "But how do we know if I'm a
lucky rabbit?"
"Well, you DID get lucky with my head," said the Carpenter began his
advance.
"WAIT! Are you sure that's how you tell?" questioned the Jackrabbit.
"Actually, I dont know." responded the Carpenter, placing his index finger
to his chin. "There must be a way."
So the Jackrabbit and the Carpenter hit the local library searching for
scientific ways to figure out if Jackrabbit was a lucky rabbit or not.
Scroll after Scroll, they flipped through parchment like raving Romans.
After about 4 hours and night time arriving, the Carpenter jumped up and
gave notice. "I FOUND IT!"
"How to tell if a rabbit is a lucky rabbit:
THE ONLY WAY to tell if a rabbit is a lucky rabbit"
One must take a nail 3 1/2" and place it a third of the way
in the rabbit's anus. One must have a target set up infront
of the rabbit no more than 7 meters, or less than 7 meters
away from the face of the rabbit.
After placing the nail a third of the way into the rabbit's
anus, one must strike the nail with a mallet as hard as one
can, therefore sending the nail through the rabbit. IF,
and only IF one is to hit the bullseye, and the rabbit
survives, THEN it is to be considered a lucky rabbit.
If it is a lucky rabbit, you may then take a foot for good
luck.
"Well," said the Carpenter, "that sounds logical."
"WELL HELL YEAH!" yelled the rabbit. "If ANYONE makes it through that,
they damn sure deserve the right to wear the term 'lucky.'"
"...and it looks like you dont have much of a choice, do you, rabbit."
The Carpenter scooped up the rabbit by his ears and carried him home to
his tool shed. The Carpenter drew up a target, complete with a red
bullseye. He fashioned the suprisingly cooperative rabbit into position,
placed the nail in his anus and aimed him at the target. The Carpenter
raised the mallet above his head and swung it down full force. The mallet
hit the rabbit's ass at terminal velocity. The nail shot through the
rabbits ass, through his intestines, up his esophogus {the rabbit made a
choking sound}, then shot out his nose, nailing the bullseye directly in
the center.
The Carpenter looked down to make sure the Jackrabbit was alive. The
Jackrabbit's jaw was dropped to the ground. "Rabbit. Rabbit." The
carpenter nudged the rabbit. "RABBIT!"
"Did you see that?" whispered the rabbit.
"Did I see what?" asked the Carpetner.
"DID YOU SEE THE PROOF THAT I AM A LUCKY RABBIT?!?!?! HA!"
The Jackrabbit started dancing while chanting, "I'm a lucky rabbit."
"Obviously you're not that lucky." The Carpenter picked up the rabbit,
threw him down on the chopping block, and sliced off one of his front
feet. "NO, MY LOVE HANDLES. GONE!" cried the Jackrabbit. The Carpenter
bandaged up the remaining inches of Rabbit's leg.
"You know," said the Carpenter, "we could take that little show on the
road and make quite a sum of money."
"Yea," said the Rabbit, "but my asshole hurts and I've only got three more
feet."
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THE STONE
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Of all of the elements, stone is the one that gets the least recognition.
maybe this is because stone is not an element, I don't know. But I think
it's time to revisit the way we look at the stone. Join me, won't you?
Firstly, does anybody ever say a stone is lazy? No! In fact, it would be
ridiculous to anthropomorphize a stone in such a way. A stone is not lazy
because it is incapable of slacking off. It is constantly doing exaclty
what it is supposed to do - being a stone. For that reason, I believe
that the stone is actually one of the hardest workers in the galaxy.
Second, a stone is patient. You can hang out with a stone until your
mother calls down the lane for you to come for supper, and when you get
back the stone won't complain that you were gone for too long. It also
won't ask if it can come for supper with you, even though it might want
to. You see, stone is patient. It is not a slave to its hunger.
Third (and fourth), stone is giving (and passive). It is giving in the
sense that you can do whatever you like with it, and it is passive in the
way that it will never make any demands of you. So, for the sake of
reciprocal kindness, treat the stone as nicely as you can and don't ask it
for too much.
Fifth, last, and best, the stone is the world's greatest environmentalist.
It doesn't consume anything or alter anything. It is not greedy and does
not demand luxury. It is a pacifist and does not harm anything unless it
is used as a weapon by a human being. But, in these cases where the stone
becomes a weapon or an object of destruction, it is not the stone's
fault. If we were to blame stones for all of our problems, we'd have to
get rid of the earth's crust and then we'd all be burned to death in
molton iron. Therefore, be nice to stones. They're the best.
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c o p y r i g h t 2 0 0 2 b y #199-04/28/02
t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n
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