💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ezines › textfiles › ezines › HATS › hats02.t… captured on 2021-12-03 at 14:04:38.
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T-File_2___Septemer_20_2004
The Blobs go to Bob's
_By_Rusty_McRightwing_
Sausage. Okay, so yesterday (Sunday 9/19/04) I was at Bobs getting some shirts.
I walk into the changing room and a few seconds later I hear the voice of a woman
with a voice/accent resembling that of my psychotic math teacher from sophomore
year. I think to myself "Dear god, am I in the women's changing room?!" It
turned out that no, I was not. Some poor little kid, not much younger than me
had one phuck* of a mom. She had come into the changing room with him. For what
purpose, Allah only knows. From what I could gather from what they said, she
wanted to buy him some pants he really didn't want. I know I shouldn't have been
eavesdropping, but it was hardly eavesdropping, they (She) were talking so loudly.
He said that if she bought him these pants, he would never wear them. He started
saying that he wore his pants a certain way in school (I was not aware that you
could wear you pants in different ways), and that he would not be able to go to
the bathroom. To this the mother replied "DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE
BATHROOM! JUST GO!!!" I guess she meant just find some way to
go to the bathroom, or go in your pants. I was a little freaked out by this.
There were numerous complaints by the child (understandably) and numerous
yellings and threats by the mother. At one point she started (and kept) yelling
at him for not unbuttoning the pants he had been trying on. I could hear plenty
of other guys in the changing rooms snickering, and I must admit at this point I
was on the verge of bursting out laughing. I came to the conclusion that the
mother was buying these pants because they were a certain style and conveyed that
you are a certain type of person, and that the child did not want to be thought of
as that kind of person (but maybe the mother always had) and the mother was trying
to live through her poor son.
After more threats about trying on pants he didn't want, the mother then
told him to take his shirt off. This met great resistance. He was determined not
to take his shirt off in front of his mother, but in the end the mother's demonic
screeching won the day (or by this time night, as the loudspeakers announced that
the store would be closing in 10 minutes). To get him to remove his shirt the
mother literally screamed "DUSTIN, TAKE OFF YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT!!!" After this, I
heard rustling, and then the mother announced loudly to the rest of the store,
"UUGH! I'm definitely putting you on a diet!"
At this point, I decided to leave and get to the register to buy my shirts.
In line, I saw the kid and his mother. They were both amazingly obese. Not like
normal fat people you see on the street sometimes, these people were like nothing
I had seen before. Oddly shaped, like their body was just a sphere with arms, legs,
and a bulge at the top for a face. I immediately deemed them: The Blob Family, or
The Blobs. I got a good look at these controversial pants that had caused such
commotion. They were simply cargo pants. I was like WTF mate?!
Later that night, online, emoticon prophesized that this child had only one
of two possible futures. One: He rebels from his psychotic, dominant mother and
becomes a functioning member of society. Or Two: He lives in his mother's basement
for the rest of his life playing Dungeons and Dragons and drinking tang that his
mother brings down periodically with the secret purpose of spying on him and making
sure he is not looking at girlie magazines or doing etc with his etc. See if you
can guess which one is the only possible future. Poor kid. May the Force be with
you... or maybe the silver dungeon key. McMuffin.