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O O "We conform to what we love"

Original GRILL ascII by Swiss Pope
This month's even-more-so-than-usual unreadable GRILL ascII by Quarex

t h e o n e a n d o n l y . . .

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| `9&$$$$$$$9' _: _| _:. .. __| `&$$$$$$$9'
`/________________/ `/_______________/

_______________
.$ $. |ARRRR! hand me | $$
$ $S |one of yer | $|$$
S$ $S |sausages!! | s$$(+)$$s
S$ $S |______________ | $$$$$$
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`//$$$$\\ XXXXXXXXXXX \\ | ## O |
./$$$$$ X\ X \\|/' .. |
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| Xx __ x |||| x/~~//oOOO/X$ XX:: :XXX
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| \ \ VV || `$$$$$

XXX____XXX
||;\ \____ __ \ / xx XX|
||__\ | | || | .----.
| \______| =| || | `____'
| \__| || | |
| o | || || | | |
|________| || ||_ | | |
| \ \\ /ss\\ | | |
|+++\_/+++| \\ |__|O| |___|__|
| | \\____________________ / // /
| | | | `__/__//
| | | by odin's beard! |
| | | the bratwurst is |
| | | | done! |
| | | |_____________________|
|____|____|
(this whole damn ascii by shadow tao)
We're going to have as many ascii openers as we CAN FROM NOW ON!
=-=-[AUGUST 22, 1996]-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
| |
| CONTENTS OF ISSUE #? OF GRILL (the zine for Heretics): |
| |
| <1> 4 Werd |
| <2> Lion's Share |
| <3> Boy, do I like to Bake |
| <4> Deadlines Suck |
| <5> The Mall Cop |
| <6> Thesis on the Greatest Debate Ever |
| <7> The Quarex File |
| <8> Theme Parks A-Go-Go |
| <9> The Gods must be Lazy |
| <10> Rant & Rave about Various Things |
| |
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

() HERE IT COMES, THE FORWARD! ()
() By QUAREX, CHIEF W'Z'O OF THE W'TOOS' ()

Hey there folks, it's Martini time. Unlike the previous five issues,
where the first thing I did was the introduction, I'm typing this less than
two days before the issue is going to be released. I'm now an official
college student (no applause necessary, really), and I must say that my
worrying in High School that college was going to suck might well have been
completely in vain. Although the days actually seem to last forever (which
hasn't happened since grade school, for me), they're FUN while they last,
unlike before, when they were short but fun.

Maybe I'm just going insane! That'd explain so much. However, there
is one major drawback facing all of this college mania--The fact that half of
the people I've grown up with, always hung out with, and have nary a harsh
thought of, are moving away. I know this is meant to happen, but why DOES it
have to happen? Why can't chaining all of my friends to the walls of my
basement be legal!?

As long as I'm not talking about myself at all, I should start. A few
very interesting things have happened in the last few weeks of my life.
First of all, I was pushed into the lake by Laura's house (you all know who
Laura is, and you ALL know about her lake, don't even TRY to say you don't).
I was swimming with Laura at the time, it's not like she just pushed me in
for no reason. I was on that pier in the middle. You know, guys, the one we
used to go on last year!? YOU KNOW! DON'T EVEN TRY TO SAY THAT YOU DON'T
REMEMBER THE PIER!

ANYWAY, getting back to the story. While I was sitting naked (save a
towel) in her house, waiting for my pants and underwear to dry off, my left
ear suddenly popped, and I could hear again for the first time since I was 5.
You see, my hearing in my left ear had been muffled for 13 years, and
suddenly, it seemed crystal clear again. Needless to say, this pleased me to
no end, and I celebrated in any way I could think of.

Moving on, I saw Dead Man Walking a few weeks later, and realized that
this movie even blows away Braveheart and Powder for absolute depression
value. Wow, that's definitely my new favorite movie. See, this is a big
deal for me, because I find it so hard to feel that kind of emotion, so when
it happens, I celebrate (ironic, no? ;>). Then, I actually cried a couple
days ago when I was talking to Barb (she's crushing rejection #2 for those of
you keeping tabs at home) on the phone, because she said things that made me
even more depressed than Dead Man Walking. And that's definitely saying
something :) Yes, that's right, Quarex just told everyone that reads Grill
that HE HAS CRIED BEFORE. That's because I don't keep anything from anyone,
except my problem with bed wetting.

Oops. Now I guess that's not my secret anymore, is it?

To wrap this up, I went to the doctor yesterday, and to make a long
story short, he sucked about eight metric tons of wax out of my ear which had
apparently been stuck there since 1983 due to a freak q-tip accident, and
even made my right ear significantly better. Then, I went home, turned on my
stereo to its usual volume, and my ears almost started BLEEDING! IT WAS SO
FUCKING LOUD! MY GOD! AAAAUGH!

Really, hearing loss is not a laughing matter (HAHAHAHA! FUCK YOU!),
so if *YOU* are having any hearing troubles, be sure to head to your doctor
now, because it could easily be just as stupid as my condition was :)

That's about it for the introduction. Oh wait, the topic. This
issue's topic was the word "PLANT", and anything anyone could come up with to
do with it. But, I don't think anyone stuck to the topic, which is fine with
me :)

It's been a week since I did the rest of this introduction, so I'll
throw in a few more random liner notes. I think I already explained that I
don't hate women anymore, so that's no big news. But, who knew that TAO has
the Skull Ring of Misogyny? I felt that he truly deserved it, as he's had
much worse luck than I have. After hearing his stories, I felt that my right
to complain was completely nullified, because I've had it so relatively good
:)

Here's another shocker: Spirit, who has been a close friend of most of
the Grill staff for four years (he was even involved in the Grill #3 <I
think> event, which took place in the cemetary), has written an article.
More surprsing that that, though, is the fact that HE HAS NEVER READ GRILL
BEFORE!!!!! Can you believe it? He calls my BBS every day and has never
even looked at Grill! Oh well.

~~~ FIN ***

** Written by: Hrothgar ***

LION'S SHARE!

Okay.. first off, I would like to point out that this grill article was not
my idea. In fact, it was brought upon by the influences of Swiss Pope and
Ghort. After watching the Lion King one more time at my house, and
commenting on all aspects of it, they convinced me to actually write an
article. Okay, so this is what this article is going to be about. Had the
cartoon characters acted actually like real-life lions, instead of Disney
lions, things would have been very..very different. So, let me just add my
analysis to liven things up. (aren't you excited?). We are going to start
this out by going from the begining of the movie, to the end. Stating what
would have happened with each aspect and decision that was made by each
character... (or close to it). Trust me, I will try to make it as exciting
as possible.. although I don't know how I am going to do that :)

Part 1 - The Birth of Simba

Okay, first off.. and I think that is the most obvious. Why in the hell
would a bunch of different species of animals go an gather around to watch
the birth of their future killer? OKay.. that was a rather blanant
observation. Another interesting aspect is the fact that there was only one
lioncub born from Sarabi (For all of you who don't know who Sarabi is (BURN
IN HELL IF YOU DON'T!!!) She is Simba's mother). in a 'normal' lion
society, up to 6 cubs are born in each litter.

Part 2 - Simba's Childhood

This starts off with Simba going to the peek of Pride Rock, sniffing the air
and running back to his dad, because he wants to go watch the sunrise ontop
of the big moutain that they live in. Now.. let me just set something
straight right now.. True, in lion society, the male lion does do a little
big of babysitting.. but it is usually left for the female lion. You know,
to raise the young, do all the work, be sumbissive under the dominant male.
Well, usually the male lion wouldn't give two shits about this little runt
that is banging against his head while he is sleeping. In fact, he probably
would have just opened his mouth, and eaten little Simba whole. So, we have
now stated that the male lion doesn't do anything with the pride other then
sleep, get all the food, and order the woman around. Oh, yeah, and get all
the sex. (Quarex? You liking this yet?)

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I think men that use women for sex are the scum of society
and should all be killed. And, although I do think that men should be able
to just sleep and eat their lives away, I do not think women should have to
be their slaves. ;>)

(Editor's OTHER note: Oh yeah, I stopped hating women since the last issue
of Grill. I'll always resent the fact that I can't get a date to save my
life, but I won't hate them for it ;>)

As the movie continues, several different things happen. Like good old Simba
learning about the Circle of Life, about greed and wanting to become a king
right now, and getting into trouble with the hyena's. I think that learning
about the Circle of Life is pretty self explainatory. However, Disney
actually did do a correct interuptation of it. You see.. Lions only kill the
week, sick and old prey. To let the strong survive. In fact, most predators
do that.

I would now like to make the assumtion that Disney is racist. Okay, lets
take a look at these hyena's.. first off, not only are 2 out of 3 of the mane
(ha ha) hyena's done by a black woman, and a hispanic man, they are also
brought out to be basically slaves to the 'brother' lion, Scar. You see..
Scar is the white dominant male, that is trying to take control of the gang.
And of course, the hyena's (being of other ethnic origins) are too stupid to
understand what is going on.. until the end. That is when the 'brothers'
(hyena's) come together to kill off the white boy. You see. This is EXACTLY
what Disney wants everyone to believe, ESPECIALLY the kids. Disney OWNS
KIDS! How many kids do you know that doesn't either a) own some sort of
disney clothing article b) own some sort of Disney paraphenelia or c) get
excited everytime a new Disney movie comes out.. as in, get so excited, that
if they don't see it the opening day, they start to mob and terrorize the
innocents of downtown Normal. You see.. Disney is teaching kids exactly what
they want the world to be like in 20 or so years.. full of white supremists
and dominants. Disney takes over the kids soul.. pulling them into these
movies, and through subtle hints (like the hyena's) and shape their way of
thinking to that which they please. Disney will rule the world someday.. and
all that dispise and distest it will be slaughtered at the town square of
every major city, like pigs and cows. What will be left, is the perfect
Disney Utopia.. happy people singing about their life experiences all the
time.

One of the other clear aspects of this movie is the fact that the Males play
the dominant role of the pride. The females play the subservant, sumbissive,
and workaholics. In lion society, the females do all the hunting, raise the
kids, do whatever the male lion wants them to do, encluding sex a dozen times
a day, when they are in heat. The male lion sits around all day, picking his
ass, sleeping and basically making sure all the females are doing what they
are supposed to be doing. When dinner time comes around, the male lion gets
to be the first to eat, and only him. Then, when he is finally done with his
portion, he will let the others have their food. Now, Disney choose lions to
be the basic animal in this movie for that very reason. They want kids to
grow up living like this. If the child is female, then she will learn to be
a servant to the man, doing whatever he wishes. If the child is male, he
will learn to take control of the female. And not only just one.. no, the
male gets as many woman as he wants. In fact, he could have up to 30 woman,
and it would be alright. In fact, not only alright, but it would be looked
upon like you would be a great family, with much political power.

Part 3 - Simba grows up

Now, this is a time that is probably the most interesting. First off, to get
this off my chest. There would be NO FUCKING WAY THAT A LION, WHICH WEIGHTS
UP TO 400 POUNDS, COULD LIVE OFF OF INSECTS! Okay, now that that is out of
the way, lets get to the fun stuff. This is said to be Simba's homosexual
lifestyle. You see, Simba went through 3 changes in his life. From asexual
when he was young, homosexual when he was growing up (since his only friends
were male, he had to relieve his sexual urges some way) and heterosexual when
he finally meets up with Nala again (female! WOOF!) So, you see.. Simba
didn't leave the ordinary life. In fact, that is why he was so nice to
everyone for awhile. Until he learned that he can control who ever he wants,
he didn't know the taste of power. But, he soon came to that realization..
he soon found his way as the King. Some other aspects that Disney
incorperated into this film was that Hippies are BAD! In two instances this
was shown. When Simba finally met up with Nala one more time, he and her
started into the "Can you feel the love tonight" song. Now, during this
song, he leaped into the pool of water, and dragged Nala in with him. When
he emerged from the pool, he was dripping wet, his hair down and clung to the
side of his face. Definitly hippie quality. Now, what did Nala do when she
saw him looking like this? So unkept and different? She pushed him back
into the pool of water! Don't you see??? Disney rules you!

Part 4 - Simba returns home.

This is one of the most interesting parts of the movie. Now, some may ask..
why did Scar keep those hyena's around the whole time when he was in control
of the pride? It seems pretty illogical.. I mean, you have to get rid of
those pesky ethnics. WEll, Scar was smart.. for awhile. He knew that if he
was in control of the hyena's, then that would only back up his power that
much more. I mean, what lioness would try to do anything against him when he
has hundreds of underlings ready to cut their own throats for him? So, you
see.. Scar was the ideal man.. for awhile. He made a cructial mistake. A
mistake that Disney is trying to warn the young boys, by showing Scar's down
fall. You see, you can order around those hyena's as much as you want,
because they don't have the brains enough to understand what your true
intentions are. But never, and I say NEVER, say that that is what you are
doing. YOu see, Scar blamed everything on the hyena's when Simba came back
to reclaim his throne. And of course, one of the 'brothers' heard this.. and
it finally clicked into there little pea sized brains that they have been
had. And since dumb people only know one type of revenge, they killed Scar.
So kids, learn from his vital mistake.. and you two can become a white
supremists and learn to control all unlike you, and live.

Finally, the last part of this movie just backs up with Disney's theme. That
male's rule, female's serve. Simba retakes the Pride Lands, and because he
beat Scar in a test of brutal strength, he has won the females over.. so much
in fact, that they will do whatever he wishes. In fact, this is so strong,
that his own mother is right in there with the misted of them. You see,
Disney is also saying that incest is good... but that is another story. So,
all you have to do is watch many Disney movies, take notes, and incorpate
what they teach, and you too can have ultimate power. BUT! Be warned.. if
you resist Disney.. one day.. you will be killed for you disobiedence.

===========================Disclaimer=======================================
This article is just for fun. My friends know
this, and am sure they are getting a huge laugh out of it.. but for all of
you that don't know me: I am not racist, and I am not a chauvinist pig.
But, I do believe that Disney will rule the world one day.. after all, they
own every kids soul.

(ED. ANECDOTE) SURE, ERIK, SURE!

...F i n>>>

** Written by: ReQuiem ***

Boy, Do I Like To Bake

by ReQuiem

Boy, do I like to bake.

e00 FIN 00e

** By: Swiss Pope ***

DEADLINES SUCK

it's 11:53 p.m. and I still have 7 minutes to write a grill article and i'm
going to do it and you fuckers can't no nothing to stop me!!

ok pick a topic, pope.

ABORTiON!

NO!

I don't have my contacts in and I ate some really bad spaghetti so I think i'm
going to die. Feel my wrath.

BAD SPAGHETTI: The Recipe

8 lbs of lemon juice
12 fluid ounces of leather
14.23 (ACK! I randomly hit 23! My keyboard is going to fry for this one..)
cups of Robot Brains

Pour lemon juice on leather. Watch it boil. Combine leather and Robot Brains.
Watch it animate itself. RUN FOR DEAR LIFE.

I think I'm just going to write a story.

One time there was a village in the deep woods of Rumania. There was a little
alchemist's shop in this here village and in the shop worked a teenager who
had lots of hairy pimples. The kids used to call him Teen Wolf, and this was
might a coicidence because the movie Teen Wolf (starring Michael J Fox) was
never released in Rumania. Oh yeah, one time the pimply faced kid was helping
his alchemist make some sort of weird potion from the legs of crustaceans.
The alchemist said to him, "This potion will protect our villagers from the
plague that is spreading the land."

So Teen Wolf loaded up his six shooter and popped a cap in the alchemist's
leg. Why? Well, just to be cool. Oh by the way, everybody in the village
DIED because the PLAGUE killed them all. FUCK YOU RUMANIA. HAHAHHAAHA.

(Editor's Note: This grill article was uploaded to my board, then quickly
deleted, by Swiss Pope. Much to his dismay, I undeleted it and added it in
as a SECRET BONUS ;>)

*** FIN )))

** Written by: Spirit ***

The Mall Cop
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A short comic sketch
by Mike Butler

Characters
~~~~~~~~~~
Steve - Rookie mall cop
Frank - Experienced mall cop
Boy - Lost kid in the mall
Instructor - Mall cop training class teacher
Slorg - Hunchback

AT RISE: FRANK and STEVE, two mall cops, are walking through a shopping
mall while on duty. Busy mall atmosphere and cheesy mall music can be
heard.

STEVE: It's been pretty slow so far. We haven't done anything yet but
walk around.

FRANK: Patience, patience, rookie. The life of a mall security guard
is not all that it seems. Any minute now the citizens of this mall will
run into trouble, and we shall be the ones who will handle it. After
a while you'll understand how great of a life this is. This
is power! We are the determining force of this shopping mall. You and I
are in control. That's very important, so never forget it.

STEVE nods his head attentively.

FRANK: Uh-oh. Looks like we have trouble.

The camera cuts to a scene of a little lost boy wandering around looking for
his parents and slowly becoming hysterical. After a short while the BOY begins
to yell for his mom and wander back and forth hurried and aimlessly.

FRANK: Ok, let's move in.

After FRANK speaks, he suddenly stops himself and looks over to the left. He
sees two kids stealing a magazine from a magazine stand.

FRANK: Jesus! Did you see that! Shoplifters! Rookie, go and handle
that lost kid. I'll go take care of those little thieves.

STEVE: (slightly hysterical) Wa..Wait a minute. I don't remember everything
from my training about handling lost children. I can hardly remember a thing.
What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do!

FRANK: (very loud and commanding) Don't tense up! Just calmly walk
over there and settle the kid down. It's really simple, just do what
you would normally do, now go!

FRANK runs off. STEVE approaches the BOY who is very upset and crying.

STEVE: Uhhh.. Hi. I'm Steve. I'm here to help you out, ok?

The BOY doesn't pay any attention to Steve and keeps crying.

STEVE: Oh god... Gotta think back to training. What did that guy say during
training!?

With nifty flashback effects the viewer is transported to a class room
with STEVE sitting at a desk in the back of the room looking bored and
very tired. An INSTRUCTOR is at a podium in the front of the class
room.

INSTRUCTOR: (very dully and slow) In the case of a lost child, the first step
is to simply ask the child for his or her name.

Now back at the mall scene.

STEVE: Yes! That's it! (to the boy) What is your name, little boy?

The BOY still doesn't pay any attention to STEVE and continues to cry.

STEVE: Would you please tell me your name? Come on... please?

The BOY continues to cry.

STEVE: Jesse! There must be something else! Gotta think!

Once again we enter a flashback of STEVE's mall cop training class.

INSTRUCTOR: If the child... (continues talking dully)

While the instructor is speaking, STEVE is seen falling asleep. The
camera pans over to the clock in the room and 45 minutes pass instantly.
The camera pans back to STEVE who is now seen waking up from a puddle of
drool. The INSTRUCTOR is still speaking.

INSTRUCTOR: (very dully) So, in a case where you have absolutely no
other options, you may have to resort to using your hand gun.

The scene changes instantly to STEVE shooting the BOY. The sound of a body
hitting the floor is heard. STEVE pauses for a few seconds with the gun
in his hand.

STEVE: Wa...Wait! That wasn't good! Ah God! Now the kid's dead!
What the hell was I thinking!? (begins to sob slightly)

Enter SLORG. SLORG approaches STEVE and pats him on the shoulder. STEVE
is still sobbing.

SLORG: (In a very strange, deep, crackled voice) Good job.

SLORG stuffs the BOY into a large bag and exits.

Enter FRANK.

FRANK: Well, I see that you took care of the situation here. Did you
find the boy's parents.

STEVE: (frantic) No! I tried to remember what to do, and I shot him!
What have I done!? I'm a failure! I knew I wasn't cut out for this
job! (continues to sob)

FRANK: (reassuring) Hey! It's all right. Those training classes are so
confusing anyway. Why, when I started here, I shot twelve kids before
I realized that it was all right for people to leave the mall. Why don't
you go cool down and take a little coffee break? You'll feel better in
say seventeen minutes or so. What do you say?

STEVE: Uh.. all right.

FRANK: (still reassuring) There you go! Don't worry. Just get
yourself back on track. Get at it, tiger.

STEVE exits. A few seconds go by and SLORG re-enters.

SLORG: (strange voice once again) We got him good, eh?

FRANK: (laughs) Yeah. Haha... ahhh.. those rookies, when will they
ever learn? (pats SLORG on the back) Hey, let's go get something to eat.

SLORG: (strange voice) Sound good to me.

SLORG and FRANK walk off.

.,. fin .,.

** Written by: ReQuiem ***

Thesis on The Greatest Debate Ever

The debate has raged for years; many wars have been fought over it, many
lives, wasted in battles that are created out of the need for two sub-cultures
to have the answers about their technology, and in turn, answers about
themselves, about their very exsistance. There is much at stake in the
answer to such a question, and, indeed, it is a lofty task to answer it, when
knowing that there is so much at stake. One group of people will be raised
triumphant and one group of people will be mired in much pain and sadness.
Still, as an objective observer, I feel it is my duty to attempt to work this
great question out.

The question, of course, is this. In a battle in space, which would win,
the Death Star or the Borg cube. Many disagreements have ended in bloodshed
on this, and I do fear for my life apon the completion of this document, but
what must be done, must be done. The Death Star and Borg cube are both major
technicological achievements in their own rights, and if you put these two
behemoths together, you are going to certainly get an impressive battle. Yet
if you dig under the surface of the problem, the answer is staggeringly
clear.

First and formost, you must establish some basic ground rules. One
long standing argument is that the Death Star would automatically win, since
George Lucas owns both franchises, which is more or less true. However, to
assert that as an argument is foolish and oversimplistic at best. If you are
going to give reality to two things, you cannot include this portion of the
argument and be taken seriously. It can be assumed that, if they did meet in
some battlefield created by a computer animator, either one could win.
George Lucas is not some omnipotent figure standing over the shoulders of
every person in the world. Even I could make a paper mache model of both the
Death Star and Borg cube and have either one win. So reality cannot enter
into it. This battle must take place in its own reality.

And what reality? There is another longstanding argument that says the
battle would really depend on what universe it was taking place in, the
options being the Star Wars universe or Star Trek universe, of course. I
assert that from the text and dialog of both series, you can determine that
they both actually take place in the very same universe. The only seperation
between the two is time and space, hence "a long time ago, in a galaxy far
far away...". I also assert that the force exsists in the Star Trek world,
except they have not learned to tap this extremely intense aspect of the
universe.

So now we get to the battle. Just assume that the Borg cube and the
Death Star both inadvertantly slip into giant worm holes, that send them
through space and time, to meet in a nuetral site in the middle of the vast
blackness of space. Assume that there are no other imperial or borgish
forces in the area, or indeed, even in the time. Assume that automatically
the two forces know they are enemies. Well, of course, the Borg aren't
anyone's enemy, but assume that they know they must fight. That may seem
alot to assume, but really it is inferred anyway in the logic of the
situation.

Of course, the Death Star, being the size of a small moon, would dwarf
the Borg cube. One would automatically assume, as I did apon first
examination, that the sheer mass of the Death Star would overwhelm the cube.
Also, the Death Star can blow up a planet with its mighty laser. Even though
the Borg cube's amazing adaptability could stand the shot after the first
blast, the first blast would be enough, right?

I do not believe this to be the case. First off, there is the obvious.
The empire would not just try to use its greatest weapon on this weak little
cube. It would send out small forces of tie-fighters to engage the enemy.
The cube would, of course, tear these pitiful things up, and adapt to the
blasts immediately. Here is the question, though. Can it be inferred that
all laser blasts in the Star Wars Universe act on the same basic principles?
If it can be, then the Borg cube has ALREADY adapted to the blast, however
powerful, that the Death Star can produce. So the Borg cube would be able to
eventually wear the Death Star down, find it's weak point, and destroy it.

However, some would argue that the principles of lasers are not the
same, or that the blast would still be powerful enough to destroy the Borg
cube anyway. I will give these people the binefit of the doubt. So lets say
that the Borg cube has no way to defend itself if the Death Star was able to
lock on with its blast. There are several reasons why that couldn't work.

The Borg cube is fast. Damn fast. It is able to zip around and change
direction at will. The Death Star would have a tough time locking on, one
might even say an impossible time. If it did, the Borg cube could hit warp
before the Death Star had a chance to fire. The Death Star's manuvering
abilities are highly suspect, as it could not move with any great speed into
a reasonable position to fire at the rebel base in Star Wars. And it
certainly could not fire the big weapon at something directly behind it,
which the Borg cube would certainly figure out. Why? Because of another
advantage that the Borg have.

Transporters are not a device realized in the time of Star Wars, and
they would be a major advantage to the Borg. All they would have to do is
beam to the Death Star, take an engineer who had knowledge of how the Star is
constructed, and they have all the tech specs they need, almost instantly.
They can take this engineer and warp out of the sector. The Death Star could
not catch it. Even if it could hit light speed (and I am giving the Death
Star the binefit of the doubt, I don't think it could reach that speed.),
warp one is one and one half TIMES the speed of light. We know that the Borg
cube can go much faster than that. So bingo, Borg cube becomes immune to all
attacks, and learns how to weaken the Death Star enough to cripple it (they
wouldn't destroy it unless they really needed to, because of course they
would have to make more Borg). And look at all of the storm trooper fodder
they have. Soon, they would overwhelm the planet swallowing station.

Oh, but what of the force, you say? What of it? The force, while a
powerful carnation, is not so powerful that you could throw the Borg cube
off. The Borg would not register with the force, and thusly the ones with
the power of the force would not assume them to be a major threat. Once the
Borg took someone with even limited knowledge of the force, they would know
enough to use it. And they would be able to use it much more effeciently
than normal humans. That is when the Borg would become the ultimate power.

So, as you can see, it is as plain as day that the Borg, despite the
size they are giving up, would have several distinct advantages over the
Death Star. Indeed, it would be mighty to witness, but basic logic dictates
that the Borg must win. To dispute this is to be foolhardy. Hell, I do
perfer the Star Wars stories over Star Trek, and even I have conceeded that
it was so. Thus concludes the debate. Gentlemen, bring your lightsabers
on...

^^^ FI/\/ &^^

** Written by: Quarex ***

A GUIDE TO PLANTS
OR:
THE QUAREX FILE, VOLUME U!

Since this issue's topic is plants, and the fucking cricket in my basement
won't stop chirping, I think I'll go to the bathroom and then to sleep before
I even start on this article.

Okay. It's now two days later, and I wish I had started this earlier.

Here's a quick, yet concise, guide to spotting interesting plants in the
wilderness. If you're ever lost in a forest, just whip out your trusty
laptop and print this zine out, then you'll be able to eat safely for days.
Of course, you'll still die eventually, but this will postpone it.

1> THE SPINABIFADA ROSARY
If consumed, this plant will make you cough up random bodily fluids for
three hours straight, ending with a final spasm.

2> JESUS
This is not a plant, this is a religious figure. If you find it
growing somewhere, contact the nearest church.

3> POISON IVY
Drew Barrymore was not very funny in this movie, really.

4> FUCK THE LIST OF PLANTS

That's it, I'm changing the topic of this issue RIGHT NOW.

It's now going to be. . whipping horses asses!

I think I'll write my own short play. Actually, I did that in the last
issue, so I won't.

Let's create alternate lyrics to the Anal Morisette song "Fun with Chicken"

In this month's Quarex File, I'm actually going to talk about how much I love
women. No I'm not. However, let it be known that I *HAVE* done a complete
180� on my standpoint with women (this is thanks entirely to Glynis. Stand
up and be recognized, Glynis). But, that's all I'll say about this until
next issue. . mwahahaha

OKAY! What I'm *REALLY* going to talk about is what the fuck is wrong with
my nose.

There once was a girl from Normal
She thought her hair was informal
You eat my fucking cock
you whore
oh wait, that's not a limerikcklihj
K

Okay. Fuck this non-funny shit. I'm going to come up with something so
absolutely hilarious that everyone who reads it is going to pass out from
lack of air.

AARON FOWLES!

That's only funny if you know who he is, I suppose. I'll try again.

I've just realized something. . I'm only extremely funny if I'm being a
really cynical bastard. Since I've been "pleased as punch" for the last
week, my comedic ability has dropped way down. Maybe if I *PRETEND* to be
mad. .

I FUCKING HATE WOMEN! THE ONLY GOOD WOMAN IS A DEAD WOMAN! IF WOMEN WERE
BOWLING PINS, THEN I'D BE A MOTHER FUCKING NUCLEAR BOMB!

Nope. Still not even reasonably funny.

I'll turn to my old standby: Parodies of TV shows.

ANNOUNCING ESPN'S NEW CHANNEL, ESPN942

Scheduled programming for the first week includes:

07:00: Beginning of broadcast day. Singing of National Anthem by the entire
1962 Djibouti Basketball team.

07:30: Richard Simmons warm-up. Watch as lots of fat people beat the fuck
out of Richard Simmons.

08:00: Hyper Dune Buggy racing. Billy Joe Hasafadnassi and the rest of the
Arabian Antagonists try to unseat the current champion, Alabukkahskahskaher.

08:30: World's Best Skiing Accidents. Tune in for hilarity with such
memorable mishaps as the "Bjorn Peterson being devoured by pygmies" episode,
the "Hey! Where did the land go?" horror, or the infamous "Hit the ground
with a head full of buckshot!" loss.

09:00: Chant along with the Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo. Watch as
some of the world's most famous singers try to match the vocal quality of a
stereotypical monk. Any who are deemed inadequate are tossed into a vat of
wine and turned into very vintage performers indeed (har har).

09:30: Hydrophobia. Watch as we toss babies into freezing water and let them
drown, then make "ice statues" out of their bloated corpses.

10:00: Hydrophobia Court. Watch the action unfold as we get sued!

10:30: Olympic-class Danish accent imitation. Watch some of the world's
greatest impersonators (including Pierre Wendell, the French underdog) try to
make themselves sound like Danes.

11:00: Living in Sin. Jackie-Joyner Kersee sucks a mean cock.

11:30: Tumult in Thebes. Re-enactments of the Thebian riots of circa 2000
BC. Watch the gore unfold with such sports celebrities as Wyatt Earp, Mario
Andretti, and "Pokey" Sebastian Bach.

12:00: A recollection of things destroyed. We blow shit up.

12:30: Metallica.

01:00: The Hunt for Red Lobster. ESPN staffers dress up like Manatees, swim
around Cape Cod, and try to find couples making out in caves.

01:30: Candid Camcorder. Our wacky team of race car drivers goes on
hair-raising adventures with camcorders strapped to their heads to capture
the action! This week, Lou Ferrigno drives his Lambourghini into a mall,
killing an entire boy scout troupe!

02:00: Grrrrrr! Our professional high-pain-tolerance team wanders around the
countryside with meat strapped to their chests, finding out where the line
between Man and Dog's friendship truly stands.

02:30: The Old Man in the Sea. Sequel to "Hydrophobia".

03:00: Juvenile Javelins. Our crack team of Javelin tossers raids yearbook
classes at various High Schools.

03:30: Bullet-Proof Nanny. We send a Kevlar-Clad Mother Teresa into the
"HOOD" to supervise random children on the street.

04:00: Quake Tournament. We just neeeded to cash in on some hype.

04:30: Super Mario 64 unleashed. We needed more hype.

05:00: Ken's Labyrinth explained. Learn all the secrets of this classic
action game through the help of Randy Quaid.

05:30: +++ATH0. Our nerd-oriented show, this program shows the applications
of modem commands in real life, for things like Dowsing, Bull Terriers, and
The Crow: City of Angels.

06:00: Super Mario Kart re-enactment. We borrow a few tanks from the U.S.
Government and run down every single man, woman, or child we find.

06:30: Blood Orgy Wheel. Self-explanatory game show.

07:00: Twelve hours of Rosie Perez.

((( FIN )))

** Written by: Swiss Pope ***

::Theme Parks A-Go-Go::

Not too long ago, we [The Grill Staff] and our friends took a day out
of our busy schedules (you know-- volunteer work in soup kitchens, donating
blood, putting out forest fires, etc.) to visit the nearest amusement park.
Our park of choice: Six Flags over Great America, located in sunny Gurnee,
Illinois (near Chicago). Now I could give you a general rundown of what
happened on the trip, but you probably wouldn't be interested. I could tell
you about Quarex's misadventures with his parents, Hrothgar's experience
trying to get the truckers on the highway to acknowledge his existence using
a CB radio, Hitchcock's failed attempts to "sack" Glynis in the back of the
van, or the dice game played between me, Spirit, and Hrothgar called "Summon
The Devil". Not today, folks. Instead, I would like to give a bit of a
commentary on just what the phrase "theme park" means to me.

It's easy to conjure up images when someone brings up the topic of
theme parks. You can round up any group of retarded children, ask them to
describe a theme park, and they will tell you-- roller coasters, stunt shows,
cotton candy. But is everything related to an amusement park as candy-coated
as a Six Flags advertisement you'd see on the television? No, there are
certain subtle unpleasantries about a Six Flags theme park that make you want
to write a letter to amusement park owners in an attempt to improve the state
of the theme park industry.

As I begin, I would like to examine the word "theme park" in itself.
Do Great America actually have a "theme"? Perhaps they would like to think
so when they divide parts of the park into "The Old Southwest", "Space-Land",
or "Yukon Territory", giving the park as much character as a Lego playset from
1984 (you know, back when they only had the Space, Town, and Castle sets--
before Blacktron, Pirate, Robin Hood, Black Plague, Inner City, Nuclear
Wasteland, and other highly priced extension sets). Let's take for example,
the "The Old Southwest" division of Great America, which is new for 1996.
The park gutted out part of the parking lot and erected a bunch of
pseudo-adobe structures to accommodate this new section. One might expect to
find lots of thrilling rides relating to the Old West. I could think of a
few right now that might be promising, such as "Railroad Into The Bowels of
Hell", "Blazing Prairie Grass", "The Jaws of Hell", and "Man-Eating Pony
Express". It's unfortunate that Six Flags can't put up exciting rides.

I counted a total of three rides in the Old Southwest area.

* The Wagon
Narrowly escape death as you ride in a covered wagon around in
giant vertical circle. Oooooh. I think the highlight of this ride
was the kid who sat next to Spirit and kept asking him if his
testicles hurt.

* The Canoe
The ride in which you get in a giant canoe that swings back and
forth at about 180 degree rotations. A giant canoe?!? Perhaps this
ride could be a tad bit more realistic if the canoe were wobbly or
at a certain point in the ride water came pouring out of little
faucets, flooding the interior of the canoe. But noooooo, this
ride is just a rehash of the "Yankee Clipper" and "The Buccanneer"
type rides seen at other parks.

* The Viper
This roller coaster was actually kind of fun, because it had a
wooden frame, you didn't have to wear five different types of
safety belts, and it lasted for more than 0.39 nanoseconds (unlike
the Batman ride). The downside to this coaster is that the track
was built so that if you hold your arms up in certain places (so
everyone can show that they are man enough not to hold on to the
bar), they will get chopped off by low, hanging rafters.

I suppose it is not the rides themselves that bothered me so much as
the other crap that complement the rides. For every ride at Six Flags, there
are about 2 crappy special events shows (designed for old people who would
probably kill for a chance to be in the studio audience of Wheel of Fortune),
5 t-shirt and related crap vendors, and 8 eateries.

The special event shows are hyped up while you are crammed in line,
staring unattentively at one of the monitors that replays advertisements for
Six Flags, unfunny repeats of Loony Toons cartoons, and Gloria Estefan videos.
Now I haven't actually sat in to watch one of these stunt shows, but I can only
imagine the half an hour of sheer blandness that is presented in these shows.
I might be convinced to spend my time (that could be spent on a roller coaster)
watching one of these shows if it were something titled "Skin The White Man".
Yes, I might be convinced to sit on stiff bleachers 200 ft. away from the
stage if the show went something like this:

[Show Starts: Two Indians sit around a smokey campfire.]

Indian #1: I will summon the Great Spirit, for it is time for
us to avenge the invasion of our land, the rape of
our women and children, and the hunting of our buffalo.

Indian #2: Aye! (bumbles something in an Indian tongue)

[A show of pyrotechnics-- A giant floating spectre rises from the
campfire.]

Giant Spectre: (to audience) Okay, folks. We need someone to
volunteer to participate in the following stunt.
It's kind of dangerous, because we are actually
going to skin you, and you probably won't retain
any of your flesh.

The Audience: (gasps of people in shock)

Giant Spectre: Oh come on, what were you expecting: Penn and Teller?
So what will it be, people? Anybody feeling suicidal?

[Some smart-assed 10-year old kid, wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt
and puffing on an unfiltered cigarette, daringly approaches the
stage. His friends, ranging from 11-year old girls with dyed-purple
hair and White Zombie t-shirts to 12-year old guys with dyed-black
hair and NIN t-shirts, scoff at the Great Spirit.]

Giant Spectre: Let's give this guy a hand! What's your name, kid?

[Bit of clapping from the audience, either in admiration of the kid's
bravery or recognition of the kid's stupidity.]

Kid: Huhuhhuhhuhuh, it's Trent.

Giant Spectre: Well, we're gonna skin ya'. But first, the COLLIDING
COVERED WAGONS!

[Two covered wagons run at each other at 60mph, operated by robots
that look like safety belt dummies. Explosives inside cause the
wagons to turn into balls of fiery gas pending their collision.
Bits of fragmented covered wagon fly into the laps of the spectators.]

[Cheering from audience.]

Well, the kid gets skinned, the parents sue, the theme park closes,
and you get the picture. But at least you get to see a good stunt show. I'll
leave the stunt shows alone for now and concentrate on the accelerated
dumbness of adding new t-shirt/crap vendors that sell the exact same
merchandise as any other store at Six Flags, but sells it in a store that
looks like the Old Southwest. Really, though, is it worth building an
authentic looking Alamo type of structure so you can sell airbrushed t-shirts
that have such clever slogans on them as "I'm not just a bitch, I'm the

Queen*Bitch* of the _Bitch_People_" or "Four-card Canasta is Life"? I could

not picture myself in the year 1876, roaming through the city streets of
Albuquerque asking an old cowhand, "Hello. Can you direct me to the General
Store? I would like to buy a `I'd Rather Be Fishing' fanny-pack." I could,
however, picture the cowhand kicking me in the groin with his spurred boots.

If the stupid merchandising in "theme parks" is not something to
complain about, the price of food is. At Six Flags Great America, all of the
food stands are operated by people from other countries. I guess Six Flags
participates in some sort of "fast-food-employee" exchange program with other
countries. I suppose this is so whenever someone gets duped into paying $7
for a plate of nachos, he or she can scream obscenities at the Rumanian guy
behind the counter, and the guy won't take it personally. This is probably
how Six Flags keeps a steady roster of employees that don't readily go insane
from interacting with the ilk who grace those food counters daily. Whatever
the case may be, I could get filthy-stinking-rich if I set up my own theme
park.

My proposed theme park idea, that actually sticks to theme:

Land of Evil

Consists of 4 Different Areas:

* Inquisition World
The area is devoted to rides that relate to classicist conceptions
of evil. Take for example, a giant ride called "Dante's Inferno"
that is just a roller coaster spiralling downward in a cone-like
fashion. The tram cars have temperature control, so depending on
which level of sin you happen to be riding through, your seat
temperature ranges from blistering hot or frost-biting cold.
The ride ends when your tram car runs through one of the heads of
Lucifer and you are chewed up and spit out at the entrance of the
ride. Food for sale in this area might be "Adam's Apple",
"Emporer Nero's Buffet", "Loki's Liver", or the bad dates that
Indiana Jones almost ate in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

If you line jump, use profanity, or wear a `Big Johnson' shirt in
this area, you are fed to the lions in the "Torture the Christians"
stunt show, held in an authentic looking Roman Colloseum.

* The Pentagon
This area is almost entirely indoors, in a building that is modelled
after the U.S. government's Pentagon. (The roof is painted red so,
when viewed from the Ferris Wheel of Fallen Archangels, the building
looks like an upside-down pentagram). Before one enters the
building, he is equipped with a laser tag type of gun and a sensor
is placed on his body. The rooms of the building resemble Quake
levels and the player must use his taser to destroy the most
maniacal of all politicians, corporate CEOs, and other white-collar
perpetuators of corruption. Player wins when he jumps out of
five-story window when the moderator shouts "STOCK MARKET CRASHES"
on the intercom.

* Seven Deadly Sins
This area is like a giant Chuck E. Cheese playland, imitating all
of the evils of childhood.

Gluttony Area: A giant buffet where one can eat pizza until he
bursts.
Greed Area: A mechanical mouse that vomits tokens from its mouth.
Sloth Area: Place where parents can relax and watch second-rate
mechanical puppets perform on a stage.
Wrath Area: Padded room where one can beat the shit out of others
with a rubber bat. Also includes a vast ball pit where
kids can be asphyxiated by their friends.
Pride Area: Video arcade where you cannot leave until you reach
the top score.
Envy Area: "Purgatory" like waiting place where one must stand
in a winding line of kids, watching through glass
windows the fun that all of the others are having.
Lust Area: Little mouse holes for children to play in and (kids
being kids) play "doctor".

* Masochism Chasms
This area makes you do a lot of stuff that you normally would hate
doing. Masochists, and others who find joy in inflicting pain upon
themselves, will find this area to be a haven.
There are no roller coasters here-- all of the rides are circular
motion rides, because (to my knowledge) _everyone_ hates circular
motion rides.

Circular Motion Rides:
Headache, Manic Depression Braintwister, Vein-slice

Carnival Games:
Whack-Your-Self, Friend-or-Phobia, Resolve-The-IRQ-Conflict

T-Shirts, Bumper Sticker, and Keychain Slogans:
"I Hate Myself and Want to Die", "Doctor Assisted Suicide is
Life", and personalized death certificate t-shirts.

Refreshing Drink:
Syrup of Ipecac Milkshake

Okay, okay, so maybe not too many people are into the whole "evil"
theme for an amusement park. But the point is that at least it is an amusing
idea, which Six Flags parks are not. Don't get me wrong, the rides are a
blast, but they are going to call their park a "theme park", they'd might as
well have some sort of theme. Thanx for reading.

[[[ FIN ]]]

** Written by: ReQuiem ***

The Gods Must Be Lazy

Chapter One

The cool night air rushed across Odin's frizzled, grey beard, sending
whisps of smoke from the black russian that hung loosly from his lips down
the street. He shifted from his standing position and leaned against the dim
street light behind him. The light was the only beacon on an otherwise pitch
city street. The darkness made Odin feel uncomfortable, as if somewhere out
in the darkness, something was waiting for him. Something with long, curved
teeth and a wicked sense of humor, a sense of humor that found twisted,
mangled flesh quite funny. And indeed, there probably was.

A long, black limo pulled up and slowed in front of Odin. Odin buried his
hand in his leather trench coat, and pitched the butt of the cigarette into
the gutter. The door to the limo opened up slowly in front of him, and he
crawled into the car, with more than an ounce of hisitation. The cab seemed
empty, so he scrunched down in the leather seat, and put his horned hat over
his eyes. It wouldn't be long now. Not long at all...

The phone rang. Odin perked up, and looked at it. It was green. Odin
didn't like green things. They made him feel uncomfortable. This was no
exception. He put his hat back over his eyes. The phone kept ringing. Odin
kept ignoring it. The phone rang some more. Odin looked at it again. This
time, the phone was red. Grumbling, Odin picked it up on the 53rd ring.

"What?" he spat with as much vigor as the tired old god could muster.
There was silence on the other end. "What!" Odin said, with a bit more vigor
now, angered by the caller, who despite waiting the course of 53 rings,
refused to say anything to him. "What!" he yelled finally.

"Odin?" a quiet, whispy voice poured from the reciever, like a children's
song, sounding just one note out of tune. Odin shuddered when he heard it.
He was about to reset the phone in the cradle, when he realized the phone was
stuck to his ear. Try as he might, he could not move it. "What the hell do
YOU want, you digusting creature?" Odin spat, the frown on his face widening.

"Why? Do you not LIKE TALKING to ME?" the voice said, piping up, now
sounding like someone running their fingers across a chalkboard while defiling
a goat. "Awwww, but I've BEEN trying TO REACH you for such a LONG, LONG
time."

"I'm hanging up the phone now..." Odin said, tapping into his vast cosmic
power to detatch the phone from his ear. How sad that this was the most
important thing he'd used it for in a long, long time. "The devil take you."

"The DEVIL likes ME..." the voice spat, and the phone went dead, and then
turned into a parking meter before dissapearing completely. Odin sighed.
Loki was the very last thing he needed to deal with at this point in time.
And what of that devil remark? What was that supposed to mean...

Odin's train of thought was broken by a loud THUMP. He looked upwards to
see the whole roof of the limo caving in. the horns on his helmet pierced the
low cieling, and he suddenly found that he could not move. A hole in the
middle of the roof poured open like it was liquid. A small figure wrapped in
cloth oozed into the cab and sat in the seat opposite. Even though his face
was completely covered, Odin had a pretty good grasp on who it was.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "I am on my way to a very important
meeting..."

"YOu MEAN you WERE ON your way TO a very IMPORTANT meeting..." Loki said,
giggling. "I took the liberty of changing course and adding my OWN driVER."
Loki then pulled what looked like a severed head from his cloak, and threw it
to Odin. Apon further investigation, Odin determined it WAS a severed head,
that of presumably the driver of the limo. "SORRy... I don't SEEM to
remember what I DID with the REST OF him..." Loki said this and belched
loudly. "Oh wait. YES i do..." This was followed up by a wild, maniacle
laughter.

"Shiva isn't going to like this, Loki. I demand you release me this
instant. As the ruler of our sect of gods, I demand it!" Loki pulled the
cloak down over his head, revealing his slimy green face, with dark black hair
that poured over his red eyes.

"I've got some news for you, big boy..." Loki said, now in a hushed tone,
poking Odin in the chest with long, boney fingers. "Your demands don't mean
jack squat to me any more. I never answered to you, really. But now, I do
answer to someone. And with any luck, you will too."

"What madness is this?" Odin demanded. "Loki, you will release me this
instant or I'll..." Loki put his finger to Odin's mouth, and suddenly it was
covered with thick, slimy goo.

"Silence is golden, old one..." Loki giggled. "Especially yours. But
now you must have patience!" With this, Loki laughed and stood, looking out
of the hole in the roof. "Armagedon approacheth! And you..." here he kicked
odin squarely in the stomache. "You get to play a big fucking part!"

***

Shiva sighed as he stole another glance out of the massive window of his
penthouse office. He rubbed his temples and poured himself a drink and picked
up the phone and scratched his head and turned off the TV and tapped his
fingers on the desk. Thor shifted in his chair uneasily.

Wheen is thes blessed meeeting gohing to start?" he asked impatiently.
"You knoow I hate high buildings..." Apollo sighed heavily, adjusting the
olive wreath on his head.

"The thunder god, afraid of hieghts..." He said wearily. "That's norse
mythology for you. If I had been afraid of hieghts, do you think they would
have let me keep up my post as moon god? No, of course they wouldn't...
Thor gripped his hammer angrily.

"Youu taake that bache!" he demanded. "Or so heelp me, I'll smite you
sometheeng feearce..." Shiva slammed all six hands onto his desk, causing it
to shake wildly.

"Gentlemen!" he yelled, demanding their attention. "Enough of this
nonsense. We have more important matters to discuss."

"Lieke what?" Thor said, a ferral glint in his eye. "What did youu call
us heer for, Shiva. The gods rarly caull on eech othur for anyting."

"I understand that, Thor, but in this case, I thought it might be best.
Being the most powerful god right now, that is, the one with the most
followers world wide, is a nasty affair. I've heard of dark rumors billowing
under the skin of this world. Rumors of an uprising of darker nature. And
now, this..."

"Now what?" Apollo asked, leaning forward in his chair.

"Odin..." Shiva said. At the mention of his father, Thor sat forward.
"Odin has dissapeared..."

"What trecheoree ees this!" Thor demanded. "What haeve you dun wit miy
fater?"

"I have done nothing, except perhaps been ill prepared for this situation.
Regardless, news is that he has been taken, and I don't know by who, or for
what reason." Shiva now spun around, His silken garbs floating lightly though
the air. "I want you two to take word back to Olympis and Valhalla. Gather
your forces, and keep in contact. I will send word to you. But go now, I am
off to heaven."

"He won't come see you, will he?" Apollo sighed.

"Of course not. He's so full of himself. Love thy neighbor my ass..."
Shiva turned to the window and looked out into the night again.

"So do you think this could be it?" Apollo asked, getting up to leave.
Thor, who was already at the door, turned to hear the answer.

"Armageddon?" Shive sighed, placing each of his six palms to the glass in
front of him. "I don't know. I just don't know. We can only pray that its
not."

"Pray? To who?" Apollo asked.

"Good point." Shiva sighed, and then, he was gone. Apollo and Thor hurried
quickly out into the darkness, to hurry home and warn others of the possible
impending doom.

TO BE CONTINUED

,., ><> FISH IN NUREMBURG <>< ,.,

** Written by: Quarex ***

RANT & RAVE ABOUT VARIOUS THINGS

Time once again for an installment of QUAREX MAKES SHIT UP.

* * *

While trying to make up an impromptu pun the other day, to top Jamesy's truly
awful patter in the "DTO-Van-Trip", I created the following:

"What do you call ladies' undergarments made out of flora?"
"Planties!"

And my question is. . why the fuck does that make me laugh?

* * *

I've got a real problem with Taco Bell. Every single thing that they serve
SHOULD taste the same as every other thing, yet it doesn't, for whatever the
hell reason. How many different ways can you serve brown mung and
pseudo-cheese, anyway?

* * *

Going back to my R. Kelly/Boyz ][ Men/D'Angelo rant from the last issue, I
have another question to pose. Why is it that the only good car stereos I
ever hear are ones that belong to the idiots who listen to this type of
music? Why can't people listen to Isaac Hayes or Dark Throne on a $1000
speaker system, anyway?

* * *

People that cheat on their date/spouse/what have you should be gunned down.
I cannot imagine how it would be POSSIBLE to be intimate with someone besides
your currently/permanently chosen mate, let alone enjoyable. And, I've
talked to enough people to know that I'm not the only person who feels this
way. Maybe we should ask our resident adulterist. . :)

* * *

Why do I have 339 CDs? Why didn't I just stop when I had that little shoebox
full of things like Megadeth, The Bambi Slam, Clutch, Overkill, and Depeche
Mode?

* * *

Yearbooks are only truly fun if you're on the index staff and you get to fuck
with everything a lot.

* * *

What's it called if you severely wound a huge african mammal?

A HYPOCRITE!!! HAAHAHAHAHA

* * *

Let's quickly evaluate friction:

Friction is the force which acts upon other objects to keep them from
travelling in one direction forever.

BOY, SOMEONE NEEDS TO APPLY SOME FRICTION TO JESSE HELMS! HA! ha. . oh god.

* * *

Why isn't there more good pirate metal in the USA?? The only pirate metal
song I have right now is by a christian band called "Detritus", and it's the
only song on the CD that classifies as pirate metal. "Running Wild", the
european Pirate Metal band, has absolutely NO CDs printed in USA, ever.
EVER!

* * *

If Wesley Willis can sell CDs, then so can I, dammit.

* * *

Q> What would Jessica Tandy be today if she had been born male?

A> Still dead.

* * *

Have you ever taken the time to really look at certain product/company logos
and try to figure out what the fuck they are? I thought the Arby's big
cowboy hat was a claw coming out of the ground for 16, in complete honesty.
I also thought that the little man on the "neighborhood watch" signs was an
elephant until I was around 10. I know there's more, but it's 5 AM, my legs
are born free, and my potpourri is almost ready.

* * *

ALF was a great show!

* * *

More puns. How did the papa bear feel after he devoured Goldilocks?

Gladiator!

* * *

What are the little kids in china called?

Euthanasia!

* * *

What happens when a man named DeLuise has sex with Connie Chung?

Domination!

* * *

What do you see when you open your trunk and see a tire resting atop a
wave-table sound card?

Asparagus!

* * *

(By request from ReQuiem)

What's the yearly meeting held for people whose body parts are falling off?

Leprechaun!

* * *

(ReQuiem) What's the money you have to pay to get masked Street Fighter ][
characters out of jail?

VAGABOND! AHHAHA

* * *

What's the sport called where Spanish kids run around trying to pick up
"toros"?

COLLECTABLE! AHAHAHAH

* * *

What if the saying that the bus driver from the Simpsons said a lot was the
last part of the Leaning tower of Italy, sort of?

OTTOMOTTOPISA!

Hungry. Need to eat dinner. Stop writing Grill.

* * *

*F*I*N*

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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Submissions to Grill (hahahaha) can be sent to:
amhunt@odin.cmp.ilstu.edu -- Quarex

Any comments about their material can be sent to:
pwinans@students.uiuc.edu -- Swiss Pope
jmthomp@odin.cmp.ilstu.edu -- ReQuiem
jmbaker@odin.cmp.ilstu.edu -- Ogre De Latoya
mpackard@students.uiuc.edu -- Ghort
edecker@students.uiuc.edu -- Hrothgar
mpackard@students.uiuc.edu -- Obsidian
mlbutler@spry.net -- Spirit
MegaMeg@wow.com -- Megan. HAHA!
pwhite@Dave-world.net -- Glynis :)
(or, you could complain about them to me, see if I care. . .)

All material contained within this text file in its entirety is copyrighted.
No part of it may be used in any other text file, archive, book, novel,
juxtaposition, jumping jackson, jumping jack flash, jumping flash, jumping
jacking flashing fuck you, jacking the jump jack jumping fuck jack, jumping
jumpking pumpkin jumpin jack hahaha fuck you without EXPRESS SOMETHING
CONSENT OF QUAREX! AND I AM QUAREX! ALL HAIL QUAREX!

The sixth issue of GRILL was completed sometime around August 30, 1996

I'm screaming in digitalabama!
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