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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume VI, Issue 10, AD MMI Sunday, December 9, 2001 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- "I've always believed that if the US Government were ever to get really serious about Internet security, the top players in Microsoft's management hierarchy would find themselves handcuffed, blindfolded, led onto a tarmac within some obscure Air Force base, and shot". -- http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/4/23223.html ------------------------------------------- "I never read the book" -- The CEO of Chapters/Indigo, one of Canada's biggest bookstores, on the decision to ban Adolph Hitler's `Mein Kampf', considered hate literature. ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. In the Name of the Moon, This Show Will Punish Me 3. Pretty Yellow Fender Amp 4. McDonalds from a Sociological Perspective ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: Is your son a hacker? http://www.adequacy.org/?op=displaystory;sid=2001/12/2/42056/2147 ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro I think that 90% of the City of Toronto's revenue is based off of parking tickets. On my street, today, they changed the parking signs again. They not only look shinier and prettier but they are also more incomprehensible than before. You have to understand, parking signs in Toronto don't just say "Park" or "Don't park" or the clever "Don't even think about parking here" like they have in New York City. Parking signs in Toronto explain when you can and cannot park, what months and what days you can and cannot. Sometimes they even include the times, down to the minute. All of this with as few words as possible. These signs are as cryptic as they are anal-retentive. It had taken me a while (roughly 10 years) to figure out that you can only park on the first 15 days of each month on the North side of the street and on the last 15 days of the month, on the South side. I mean, with me, telling you like this, it seems like child's play. But you should try translating these yourself. I bet even an Egyptologist, who figured out hieroglyphics, would be dumbfound at these. And while the old signs made no sense, the new ones leave me even more baffled. So I arrive and notice the signs are different. It's because they are shinier, that I notice. I sat there for half an hour trying to figure out when and where someone is supposed to park. I can't. As far as I can tell, the new signs on the North side of the street want you to park there only for the first 15 days of the month starting April 1st and ending November the 30th. You can't park there the last 15 days of the month, from December the 1st to March the 30th. I haven't looked at the signs on the South side yet. That's because the two, apparently, should mix and match. It would seem that, tonight, I am not the only one that has lost any sense of understanding to where one should park. You should see the street: there are cars parked on both sides. The parking enforcement agents *chuckle* of course are having a field day, with half the cars already tagged with their yellow ticket. Their misfortune tells me, that the North side is the wrong place for today and I should park on the South side. At least, until the 15th of this month. Then I'll have to figure it out all over again. Welcome to Issue 10. As many of you know, the CoN website is slowly taking shape, thanks to the mighty and powerful hands of Colin Barrett. Volumes 3 to 6 are currently online, with Volume 2 still in the process of being tweaked. I haven't even tackled Volume 1 yet and I think I may want to put sharp nails in my testicles before I do. If you happen to surf the CoN website and you spot a mistake, or see something which isn't working as it should, we'd appreciate an e- mail. Enjoy this issue. ------------------------------------------- 2. In the Name of the Moon, This Show Will Punish Me By B One of the most fun things to do in high school is to play lots of sports, have absolutely no qualms about your weight, and to sleep with many, many people, most of whom have consumed gallons of alcohol and lost their training bra somewhere under your parents bed. But for those of us who were too busy investing in Oxy and their fine, worthless "pads," one of the most fun things to do is to pick some alternative, "cool" thing to base our life around. For me, it was wrestling. But for a lot of people in the modern adolescent world, the schoolgirl outfit-clad world of Japanese animation provides both sanctuary and a really good way to get your rocks off without making yourself feel dirty. It's just a cartoon, right? As long as you guys don't see the wiener you think it's clean as a sunshine. Japanese animation (or "anime" as it's called by people who wear X- Men T-shirts) isn't just for guys...no, somewhere amidst the naked schoolgirl robot cat people lies a place for girls as well. Okay, think about ANY creative writing class you've EVER been in. Remember that one girl who never combed her hair and wrote Marilyn Manson lyrics in her notebooks? Okay, think about the girl NEXT to her, the fat one. SHE likes anime because, while the girls are 11 years old and naked most of the time, THEY are the ones with the guns, henceforth providing positive female rolemodels for the aforementioned underprivileged. That, and she thinks it's cool when you see a chick's panties. America hasn't quite gone mainstream with Japanese animation yet, but the closest we came in the 90's was a retarded little gem called "Sailor Moon." Perhaps you've heard of it? It was the show on thirty minutes before you woke up. Wedged between repeats of "Grace Under Fire" and that fat black dude who's always WAY too interested in the weather. I swear, you could whisper something about "cumulonimbus" to that guy and he'd shit himself. Anyway, it's time to lower your intelligence, strap on your pigtails and cotton panties, and "Meet Sailor Moon!" THE PLOT Saying Sailor Moon had a plot is like saying John Stamos has "acting ability." Sure, they TRIED to have a plot (sometimes), but most of the time the show involved 2-20 scantily clad teenagers screaming and throwing things at monsters. This is pretty advanced for the Japanese, though, I mean, think about other great shows they've given us: Dragonball Z's plot: Poorly drawn people hover around and scream at each other, most of the time doing nothing much at all. Gundam Wing's plot: Well drawn people hover around in robots and scream at each other, most of the time doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL FOR DOZENS OF EPISODES. Speed Racer's plot: This guy in a scarf and white slacks likes to drive very fast. His little brother likes hanging out in the trunk and father seems to always be threatening to bash him in the head with a wrench. And his monkey likes candy. THE "SAILOR SCOUTS" Hey, I don't know why they called them "scouts" either. Maybe between make-out sessions they sold cookies or made crafts or something. SAILOR MOON! MOON POW-AAAAH! Real name: Serena Usagi Yojimbo Special attacks: "Moon Crystal Power!" Effects: She stands there holding a sparkly wand. What do YOU think happens? The protagonist of the show is "Serena," a fourteen-year old Japanese school girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. This puts her in a category with Hispanic blonde-haired blue-eyed Christina Aguilera as, evidently, a Nazi super-soldier. Normally she's clumsy and spends most of the show talking about how much she loves ice cream, but when evil rears it's ugly head she changes clothes and poses until the bad guys run away. Seriously, she just stands there and says goofy shit like "MOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOON....... prism..... fairy.... candy.... handy-dandy.... super fire convoy.... make-up!" and then they're dead. Either I don't get something about Japanese warfare or this is seriously fucked up. No wonder Japan got the crap kicked out of them in World War II. We didn't even need to nuke them, we could've sent ground-troops in with broomsticks or something, the Japanese soldiers would probably just stand there talking about the power of the moon until we bashed their yellow heads in. That is unless they were being destroyed by a giant turtle, then they'd be running in fear and we'd need roller- skates or something to catch up with them. Roller-skates and broomsticks, there we go. LUNA or "RUNA" Luna is Sailor Moon's talking pet cat. She sounds like Angela Lansbury and dishes out great advice like "Sailor Moon! Use your powers to defeat the villain!" Without Luna, Sailor Moon would just stand there posing at the wall all day until she died of starvation. Luna started up the "Sailor Scouts" when she gave all the girls magical pens that gave them the ability to change their clothes in battle. This is useful in battle, because as any fan of animation will tell you, the bad guys won't do anything until you're finished posing. SAILOR MARS! Real name: Raye Jet Li How Dong Special attacks: "Mars Fire Fire Fire Huh-Huh Cool!" Effects: The attack can make most dumbass kids burn down most trailer parks. Sailor Mars is the "fire" scout, and the only person on the entire show who looks even remotely Japanese. She wears a kimono, drinks tea, lives in a place with paper walls and knows martial arts. Later on in the series she picks some rice and eats her dog. Her big attack involves taking little pieces of paper with kanji (Chinese symbols created by panda bears for writing) written on them that cause mean people to become paralyzed. I tried this myself, once. This big idiot in my 10th grade gym class stole my Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper so I wrote "dickhead" on a piece of paper and pelted him upside the head with it. He didn't become paralyzed as much as he got his friends to slam my head in the toilet. Now I've got three chipped teeth and the aftertaste of 8th grader turd water in my mouth for the rest of my life. Thanks a lot, Sailor Moon. SAILOR JUPITER! Real Name: Lita Chow Yun Fat Wang Special attacks: "Jupiter Kill Fat Americans Thunder Dragon!" Effects: She manages to do cartwheels and maintain her balance while keeping the back of her panties at least twelve feet into her ass. Sailor Jupiter is the "long-legged huge-knockers" scout. They "say" she's there because she's athletic and has the power of electricity, but please. Jupiter comes in handy when young boys cannot properly masturbate to the more conservative Sailor Mercury. Her hobbies include swooning over all the anime guys-that-look-like- chicks and cooking, a hobby that EVERY Japanese person should be interested in. I don't live in a country that has a Kitchen Stadium, but THEY DO. That'd be like me living in the same country as Andy Dick and not having a desire to end his life. Possibly with fire. And lots of it. Sailor Jupiter has also accused Tuxedo Mask of being a homosexual and said she should play Snow White in their school play because she's got the biggest tits. Sailor Jupiter is pretty wickid awesome. SAILOR MERCURY! Real name: Ami Kwan Shanghai Pikachu Special attacks: "Mercury Bubble Blast!" Effects: She shoots bubbles at people. Then they kick her in the face for being such a fucking retard. Yeah, I'm REAL scared of the "bubble" attack. As the "bubble scout," Ami must battle every day to keep from killing herself. Sailor Mercury enjoys reading, doing well in school, and using her computer. She exists only in this cartoon and in the minds of everybody who paid to see "Hackers" while it was in the theater. SAILOR VENUS! Real name: Mina Kuwaii Dung of Cow Special attacks: "Japanese Animators Run Out of Ideas....NOW!" Effects: Thousands of trendy American dorks think any kind of Japanese animation is wonderful, no matter how big a pile of rancid dog-plop it is. Case in point: Tenchi. I'd rather pull my own teeth with a pair of pissed-on pliers than sit through that show. Sailor Venus is the "experienced" scout who has spent years donning panties to fight monster crime. She calls upon the power of the "crescent" moon to punish evil with her trusty cat sidekick. She is different from Sailor Moon because she has a bow on her head. What I want to know is why these people didn't fight REAL crime. Sure, monsters drop into town, break a few windows, hey, somebody's gotta stop them. But what about street crime? If you were a mugger and you just stole some lady's purse, only to be approached by half a dozen 15 year olds in tutus, would you be scared? This show's just one big commercial for casual rape. HANDY DANDY EPISODE GUIDE Every episode of Sailor Moon: Sailor Moon is eating a lot of food and talking about liking boys. Meanwhile, a feminine guy villain plots to steal negative energy or a magic crystal from an innocent person. The Sailor Scouts change clothes and pose. Feminine guy villain creates a monster out of whatever is lying around (flowers, cargo pants, cheese, etc.). Sailor Moon uses a wand or a broach or panties that make sparkles that kill the bad guy. Cue cheesy themesong. THE FILMS Sailor Moon R The first of the recently re-released Moonie classics involves Tuxedo Mask and his pseudo-relationship with an alien that loves flowers. Actually a pretty moving piece about family and understanding...unless you watch the English version, where the homoerotic undertones that powered the emotions of the characters is replaced by bland drivel about friendship. "There must be some sort of connection between those two!" belts out the American Sailor Moon. Yes, Serena, a connection between the cock and the ass. At the end, she blows up the bad guy with a broach. Hm. Sailor Moon S The second movie (and the first to feature the "Indigo Girl fan" Sailor Scouts) is about a villain completely lacking personality that wants to turn the world into ice. The real rice and dog of the plot involves Luna, and her longings to have stinky cat sex with a blonde guy who wants to be an astronaut. If you suspend reality well enough, you feel almost touched by the innocent longings of an intelligent mind searching for honest love. If you watch the American version, it sounds like Angela Lansbury is getting disturbingly horny over some guy. At the end, Sailor Moon blows up the bad guy with a broach. Again. Sailor Moon Super S I haven't seen this one in a while, but from what I remember a guy in a big flying ship wants to steal the dreams of children. Vague recollections include the bizarre sexual subtext between Tuxedo Mask and his daughter, and I'm guessing somebody gets blown up with a broach. But I don't want my assumptions to insult the creative integrity of Sailor Moon. After all, when you're assuming you make an "ass" out of "you" and "Meng." And Meng has the fierce Tongan Death Grip. So watch out. CONTROVERSY - The show was pulled from the airwaves by several Canadian and American television stations because in later seasons, new Sailor Scouts "Uranus" and "Neptune" appear to be lesbians. "Neptune" of course referring to the Roman God of the Sea, and "Uranus" referring to the place where Neptune gets licked every night. They "appeared" to be lesbians because they always hold hands, have quasi-adopted a child together, and enjoy the music of Ani Difranco. And I think I speak for everyone when I say only pussy college students and dykes listen to THAT shit. - One of the main villains, "Zoycite" from the Negaverse, appears in the Japanese show as a homosexual. In the American show, Zoycite is completely re-dubbed with a FEMALE voice and treated as a woman, because evidently American children cannot grasp the fact that SOME people actually ENJOY Broadway. Everything works out though, because in the German show Zoycite is quickly murdered. - The love interest of Sailor Moon, "Tuxedo Mask" (a recurring mysterious character wearing a top-hat and tails) always saves her big-eyed ass by hurling a rose at whatever is about to kill her. That SO doesn't work. One time I went out behind my Aunt's house and pulled up her rose garden. Later on that day I saw my dog getting into a fight with another neighborhood dog, so I chucked a rose at it and stabbed it right in the eye. That fucking dog chased me eight blocks and bit me right in the throat. Way to go, Japan, maybe you should WATCH WHAT YOU'RE PUTTING ON TELEVISION. Ha ha ha! Of course I'm kidding. The dog never even touched me, I bashed his head in with a baseball bat. But I hope you've enjoyed my look into the world of Sailor Moon, and will cherish this knowledge we shared every time you decide NOT to wake up at the butt-fuck of morning to watch crappy Japanese television. If you have any questions about this article or Sailor Moon, or if you have any complains and would like to bitch the staff of Whatever-Dude.com out for "not understanding culture" and "mocking other nationalities," please, remember to finish your Dungeons and Dragons game before e-mailing me. The dungeon master gets PISSED when you forget to roll. Hahaha! Losers! Direct all pimple-ridden hatemail to swan@whatever-dude.com Disclaimer: Virginia's unofficial expert on all things anime had a crush on me in high school, so don't think my uneducated remarks are uneducated. I'm merely using hyperbole to show how Sailor Moon represents the lowest quality of Japanese animation. I enjoy the works of Miyazaki and Katsuhiro Otomo, and find several of their animated classics to be breathtaking works of art. Especially when plants start raping chicks. That's really cool. --- This article is copyright and courtesy of B. It appears here thanks to B's kindness and much of my begging. B can be reached at: swan@whatever-dude.com ------------------------------------------- 3. Pretty Yellow Fender Amp By Jeff Wright Now short of being able to actually play the guitar, I can rock. My guitar now has something to plug into. Something with which it can make screaming rock sounds. Mission: Get An Amp, was a success. My friend Mike (a.k.a. Melvin), who's musically knowledgeable and talented, unlike myself came with, to make sure I didn't get ripped off, or pick up a piece-a-shit-amp. First stop was to a used furniture and whatever you may need shop, that's owned by a friend of my dad's. My dad had been in on Thursday, and told me that he had an old trainer amp that he'd sell to me for $150. So Mike and I went in. I saw an old man sitting in a chair by the back, that I figured was Howie, the owner. I introduced myself to him, and said, "My dad said you've got an amp." He responded by saying, "Yeah, got it lopped off at the knee" as he tapped on his prosthetic leg. I stood there in silence, hoping that he, on his own, would realize what I was talking about. I didn't want to say "Uh, its not that I don't care about your plastic leg, but I meant guitar amp". Thankfully, Howie realized what I said before I said anything. Mike looked at the amp, and some old guitar that Howie had (It was old or something. Mike seemed to be somewhat impressed by it. Beats the hell out of me). We then decided to go look at the pawnshops first. I said that we'd come back if we didn't find anything at the pawnshops. Howie said "Sure thing." And we were off. So we headed down to the Queen and Church area, where a long section of pawn shops sit. First one we go in, nothing. Second one we go in, success! Mike spotted a little Fender re-issue practice amp that he said would suit my purposes quite well. After a bit of discussion, Mike asked the old Russian storeowner what he wanted for it. "150. And that's not 1 dollar and 50. har har har." "You should definitely get it", said Mike. "So long as it works." When we asked to test it out, the guy said "No. It is my busy day today. Come back on Monday." We hummed and hawed a bit more, and by time we were done with the humming, and had only a little bit more hawing to do, the store was emptied out and the guy said that we could try it out. So Mike plugged in the amp, and the storeowner handed us a pink, purple and black zebra striped guitar. As he put it "You may think this guitar is shit, but it's the best one in the store." Whatever. Just give us the guitar. Mike tested it out and said it was good to go. The owner asked if we had a pretty 18-year-old blonde at home to clean the amp. I wonder if he had one to sell. Before I could ask though, he started a conversation with Mike about his Gibson guitar and how people don't bring them in anymore (read: steal them anymore). Enough chit chat. I paid the man, thanked him, and we proceeded onto the next pawnshop. Mike still hadn't bought anything cool. We went from pawnshop to pawn shop. Some were nicer than others. Some smelling more of B.O. than others. Some even having a miniature loan sharking business in the back (nice!). Nothing really tickled Mike's fancy, the picky bitch that he is. Money must be spent!!!!!!! Mike destroyed many things along the way. He knocked over a cowboy hat. Can you believe that?!?!?!?!?! Okay. That's the only thing he disturbed, and it hardly could be considered destruction. Shut up! I wanted to put it into the story somewhere. It amused me. Hey, I just thought. He should have bought the hat. That would have been an acceptable waste of money. We hit the last of the shops, and made our way back towards the car. On the way, Mike wanted to stop into the Army Surplus to get some stuff. So we went in, and one of the store's employees grabbed Mike by the throat and screamed at him "Die you fucking Nazi scum! DIE!!!!!" Mike still picked up a shirt and a scarf. The latter to cover up the bruises on his neck. THE END! Does that feel like an abrupt and rather silly ending to the "story"? Oh well. Some more stuff happened but I don't feel like writing anymore. The story's been on a rapid decline since I went on about Mike "destroying" things anyway. So who cares? I've got an amp now, and it was fun getting it. That's all you need to know. Leo told me I couldn't just write once sentence, and consider it my submission for this issue. So blame him. I'm gonna go listen to "The Whole World" by Outkast a few more times. I bet I've listened to it about 25 times today. "Like I'm scared like a dog, but I've got a new song, and I want y'all to sing along." --- Jeff bets he's listened to "The Whole World" by Outkast, about 25 times today. ------------------------------------------- 4. McDonalds from a Sociological Perspective By Rolo Ah yes the bitch of all jobs. McDonalds holds a special place in my bowls. It's the place of my first employment. Yes I got the worst of all jobs. But I'm not bitter. It made me realize what a sociological icon McDonalds really is. Being a sociologist in training makes me think back to it. Now, don't get me wrong, I certainly don't take sociology seriously. But it certainly gives me an interesting perspective into what to expect from Society. Where else can you see such a wide diverse array of people in one place. McDonalds is a microcosm of pathetic souls. It's brilliant. I worked as a Customer Services Representative, which we use to call a Lobby Guy, which is really just a term for Janitor. From my two- year stint at the hellhole I've seen a whole lifetime of experience. Where else can you see white trash, black-trash, even Chinese-trash all communally eating together? Day after day I've seen countless lower class people flock in like hordes to gorge on the latest amount of grease. Children can defecate on the playroom floor without so much as a blush from their parents. Oh wait, the parents are not there. They're upstairs eating. At McDonalds it's so common place to scold and beat your pathetic welp of children. I've seen countless numbers of fat, degenerate, and poorly socialized people in my stay there. Many of the children are slobs just like their parents, they run around with reckless abandon, climb on tables and counters all with their mindless parents munching away. The people initially brought their screaming whelps here to shut them up. If they misbehave they give them a good smack and threaten them in front of everyone. Nobody minds. McDonalds itself is just as responsible for the condition as are those who congregate there. I've seen children turned away because they only had 47 cents instead of 49 cents for a single soft serve ice cream cone. I've even seen a 3/4" metal bolt baked into a McNugget, and metal nuts fall into the fries. I've seen 8 litres of vegetable fries oil be re-filtered and reused. It's a culture where you can literally take a large scooper and dig out a whole hunk of solidified oil from a solid 1'x1' block and throw it into the frier with people eagerly awaiting their fries. Freeze-dried onion shavings reign supreme. McDonalds is a place that charges you 800% cost for a coke fountain pop that cost less than 15 cents to produce. Or they will charge you 50 cents for a slice of extra tomato. The garbage run off alone is capable of disintegrating the asphalt on the driveway. I've seen it with my own eyes. Don't get me wrong though. There are good souls at McDonalds. They just tend to get lost in the shuffle, or horde rather; looking for the latest happy meal toy, or monopoly game sticker piece. I'm sure that perhaps the McDonalds down on Bay Street has a few more civil business people. But it seems that McDonalds always has the ability to bring out the worst in people. McDonalds is a cultural Mecca, a gathering place if you will of all the dregs of society. Next time you go to McD's take a careful look around. If you dare, have a seat. Otherwise get it to go. Why you ask? McDonalds is one of the rare places in which people from all walks of life, income and culture can come together to stuff their faces with greasy cheap food. --- Rolo = Fat ------------------------------------------- CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org. CoN: I could ass-fuck him and he'd still be nice to me. I don't get it. Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse" In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere Published every second Monday (or when we get around it) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive Comments, queries and submissions are welcome http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471 A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost electronically. Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the Capital of Nasty mailing list. Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN, ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to unsubscribe because such email aggravates your Sailor Moon intolerance, simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org. Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat) Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett <leandro@capnasty.org> <tyrannis@capnasty.org> ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D