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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume V, Issue 8, AD MM Monday, June 26, 2000 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- "The poor vt100 was taunted unfairly by all the workstations at school; they would tape signs that said "BOOT ME" and "I AM A DUMB TERMINAL -- PLEASE TYPE SLOWLY" on its back." -- Truman Boyes ------------------------------------------- `What? Your balls fell off and said "let's blow this joint" and were last seen walking towards the door?' ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. I Write Therefore I Am 3. Shaft One Bad Mother... 4. I want my MPFree 5. Big Green Coffee ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: http://www.buttcandle.com/ The... uh... gentle alternative ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial By Leandro "I'm not bitter" Asnaghi-Nicastro In the office I work at, the programming department has a new face every day. I take it the working environment in there is pure shit because they are only happy during the last two weeks, when they've handed in their resignations. People come and go so fast I don't even bother getting to know them anymore. I just start theorizing how long it will take for so-and-so to turn from happy (I have a job!) to pissed off (this job sucks!) to eventually that happy (I'm quitting!) stage again. Occasionally there is some new guy that walks into the office and you don't even bother to acknowledge his presence. Mostly because by tomorrow he's probably gone, and besides, from where I am sitting I can't even see them, much less hear them. But there is this one guy that for some reason, the moment I saw him, I developed strong feelings of hate for him. It's not just I don't like him because he's done something wrong. No, nothing silly like that. He's done nothing wrong. He's always well dressed. He's educated. He speaks with manners and is never rude. Yet I hate this guy's fucking guts. At first I kept hearing that little inner voice inside of me that reminds me that I'm doing something bad. You know, you say to yourself how nice your fist would look on this guy's face, and that little voice says something your mother or your teacher would say: "That's horrible. How could you think that?" I don't know. How could I? Am I the only one with homicidal urges? Besides, I hate that little voice in my head. Some of the voices in my head I really like to listen to because they pump up both me and my ego, but that little voice, the voice of sanity as I like to call it, always reminds me that in our society certain things just can't be done. I listen to it mostly because I like to keep the paycheque coming to support my habits. Unfortunately for me at the moment, and eventually for him, I keep bumping into buddy. He's always around. I always see that grin of his. Sometimes I see his face and I can see a little bit of myself in him, and I wonder, thanks to my great previous schooling as a psychologist, if that's the reason I hate him. Maybe, I think, it's that snotty grin on his face I want to wipe off with a 12 gauge. Or maybe it's because he sort of remotely looks like me. But I think I'm slowly starting to figure out why I hate him. Every time I go to the lunch room, he's there. He is sitting in front of the TV playing a game on the Dreamcast. Every time. I could get up right now and go check, and I'm sure buddy would be there playing the game. "Is this a valuable reason for me to shove that controller up his arse?" I ask, and I often hear all the little voices but one say "yes". Out of random curiosity I asked a few other people that work here (and haven't quit yet), what they thought of the guy. Well, they hate him too. They don't know why. I felt much better about this, because it meant that I wasn't the only one with homicidal impulses screaming through my brain waiting for that one little last drop to go wild and take half of the office with me before the cops shoot me down like a rabid dog. Me and my newly discovered friend in hate started questioning other people. To our surprise three more people reported their hate for him. Our group grew quite large. We happily determined that the guy must just have no charisma. Maybe he was Hitler in his previous life. Maybe we should do a support group for others that feel the same about him. Either way, he won't know what hit him when the time to strike arrives. Akido responds to my editorial: To Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Ha, you think you have troubles. I started divorse in 1972. Later same year, X goes to Social Security and tells them that I am dead and files a claim before the divorse was final, collects from them, collects from me. They collect from me (happily for years without a whimper @ last a productive corpse). They neglect to tell me that I am dead, just take the tax money and credit the account. All is well until I move to overseas for 15 years and then make the mistake of coming home. They still take my tax money (joyous again), they even issue me a new card for the one I lost in the move back, but any time I try to open up a bank account anywhere I turn up dead again on their (and the bank's) computers. It goes on and on to even siller side streams and creeks of hilarity but I am sure you get the picture. Basically a corpse since '72 is still paying taxes, can get new cards, fill out their stupid forms to correct it multi times, father and raise a child as a single father, she can get her card though she gets it and her citizenship through me (neat trick that one), but I am dead anytime I try to open a bank account. Gottcha. Samantha Craggs retorts: Upon reading Jeff Wright's review of Titus, I just wanted to say that the man rocks. Titus was the most underrated movie of the year. I drove two hours to see it, saw it and then drove two hours home again, and I didn't regret a minute of it. My only beef is that Jeff didn't mention Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who I am currently stalking, in addition to the owner of the Scriba.org domain. Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays Chiron and there is a small scene where he and his brother Demetrius frolick on the bed. The guy sitting next to me got up and walked out. Titus comes out on video in August, so everyone rent it. I also thought it was interesting that Leandro sits on washing machines for fun. What a coincidence! That is exactly how I like to spend a Friday night. Other things I do for fun are: 1. Practice making fax and modem noises. 2. Dressing up as Madonna in different phases of her career and dancing for the cat. 3. Dressing up the cat as Madonna in different phases of her career. 4. Sitting very close to the fan and saying into it "Luke, I am your father." 5. Making lists of animals I would like to some day have as pets. 6. Four words: Al Waxman Film Festival! 7. Devising ways to get my hands on Leonadro DiCaprio's e-mail address. 8. Writing "Justin Timberlake is a knobjockey" on fan-based N'Sync message boards. ------------------------------------------- 2. I Write Therefore I Am By Samantha Craggs Today I handed over a manila envelope containing five of my best short stories and the first chapter of my newly-completed novel to a reporter who works in the same newsroom as me. Entrusting her with these documents was like handing over a chunk of my personality. "Thanks," she said. "I've never known a real writer." "Don't call me a writer," I said. "Until I've published something, it's embarrassing." Being interested in an art or craft that takes forever to see any gain from is like living in a cabin in the middle of the mountains. There is no one else around if disaster strikes, and you spend most of the time wondering what the rest of the world is doing. Sometimes I wonder if I am even any good at writing. If rejection letters are any indication, I'm not. I've been published a couple of times, but nothing that I would be anxious to show people - an e-zine here, someone's little literary mag there. It is not what I had in mind. Trying to be successful and failing, at least for now, is the same sort of heartache as longing for someone you can never be with. We've all heard the old story that John Grisham got up at 5 a.m. every morning to write and sent his first manuscript to 26 different publishers before it got accepted. When I tell that to fellow unpublished writers, they say "Blech. I hate John Grisham." But that's not really the point... You can hate him all you want, but he is a writer and we're not. A lot of writers I know treat what they do with overblown reverence, as if the world would collapse if they weren't around to observe it. But when you're an unknown whose publishing credits are basically a couple of stories in someone's e-zine, it's more like needlepoint. You sit there for hours, deep in concentration, making your hands sore over a pillow cushion that will never make you any money. Maybe you can show it to a couple of your friends, and they'll smile and say it's nice, but it will never net the amount of time and effort you put into it. It's just something you do because you love to do it. If you don't love to do it, you stop. Sometimes I think about all of the other things I could be doing if I weren't sitting here creating characters and plots and making new Microsoft Word documents. Maybe I'd play on a baseball team. Maybe I'd find a better job. But not writing would be like feeling the pains of an amputated limb. It would always be there, hovering over you, because if you stop now, everything has been in vain. A former acquaintance of mine used to want to talk to me about writing because he figured our experiences were one and the same. Except he would add that he hadn't written anything in two years because he hadn't had the time. As if that was the reason why he wasn't a writer: free time. All the free time in the world will not get you where you need to be with writing. Only experience and pure, balls-out determination will. It's like being 15 and wanting more than anything in the world to drive a car. You can't force it. You have to let it happen on its own, and when the opportunity presents itself, you work your ass off in Driver's Ed. If you want to know the truth, sometimes I hate writing. If I could walk away tomorrow and never experience another rejection letter, or someone saying "Please consider us again with more material" when what I sent them was the best I could do, I would. I would trade the self loathing and the scrutiny for a lifetime of not giving a shit, and never again ending a letter with "I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience." I don't know why I can't. ------ Samantha Craggs has never seen Die Hard. Visit the homepage: http://www.velvet.net/~samantha. ------------------------------------------- 3. Shaft One Bad Mother...(shut your mouth)ing Movie: Pseudo Movie Reviews by Jeff Wright How ya'll doin? I haven't been watching a lot of movies lately, so this may be a pretty sparse entry in my oeuvre. Saw Shaft on Saturday with high hopes, and was let down. I wanted a badass movie, and what I got was pretty close to an assbad movie. Okay, it's not that bad; I just wanted to look mildly retarded/clever in the last sentence. It's just not that good. The blame has to go to John Singleton. The direction just ain't that great, and neither is the writing, which he had a hand in. The script is muddled, and uses the Batman film template of two villains teaming up to go against one guy. That being said, the two badguys are the best part of the movie. My ying to my yang (or yang to my ying, I don't know, don't care), same name brother, Jeffrey Wright is one hell of a badass, just chewing up everything around him. Christian Bale is also really good, but there isn't that much different in the way he carries himself in this, than how he carried himself in American Psycho (not to say that they're the same character, cuz there are huge differences). The other rock-ass part of Shaft is Busta Rhymes, who play's Shaft's buddy. It's about time he's in a movie. It's just a shame it had to be this one. I guess the big question is; "Is Sam, the man?" I guess so. It's just that there's nothing for him to do. I mean, he doesn't even get laid except for during the title sequence. Shaft has to get laid. Oh well. The main problem with Shaft is its shitty, shitty script. There're too many complications that don't need to be there. I would've been able to watch Shaft happily on video, I think. It'll be a decent rental when it comes out. On to the next movie. Before anyone gets a chance, I'll say it myself. I'm an idiot. I watched 2001 for the first time on Friday night. I had tried before (4 times if memory serves me correctly), but the first 30 minutes or so is so damn relaxing, that I always got drowsy, and eventually fell asleep. Well, I skipped what I had seen already, and made it through the rest. Holy fucking shit cocks!!! (I don't know either) It's such an amazing film. It never really looked like a Kubrick film to me, from what I had seen, but I'll be damned if it isn't right up there with my favourite Kubrick films. That being said, my favourite Kubrick films are pretty much all of them (Save EWS ((which is improving upon each viewing)), and his first 3 films), trying to take first place at anytime. My favourite is probably Barry Lyndon, but I don't know if I'd go on record with that. Especially with the number or people who hate it. Anyways, if you haven't seen 2001, please do. Also, please make sure you watch it only in a widescreen version. I know I'm a stickler for original aspect ratios and all, but this film will not be the same film, formatted for that gay little square +.33 on two sides, tv aspect ratio. I'm dying to see it in a theatre now, and damn well better be able to before the end of the year. Everyone in NY, I hate you! I want a Kubrick film festival like you had. Bastards, got brand new prints of Barry Lyndon; and The Shining to boot. BASTARDS!!!!!!! Each and every one of ya's. Next week, The Talented Mr. Ripley comes out on video (or it may have been this week, I'm going by the DVD date). Do yourselves a favour and rent it. It's a great film, that I'm hoping will find an appreciation on video, since it isn't very well liked from what I gather. Just wanted to chime in with a CD recommendation, before I throw the keyboard across the room. I just got the new Eminem CD today, and it's funny as hell. "Stan" damn well better be the next single. The video that could be made for that song. Oh god!!! What's Eminem's address? I'm gonna kidnap his wife and fucking kid, so I can direct that video. Cuz writing a letter, obviously ain't gonna do me no good. --- Jeff doesn't have anything even the slightest bit amusing to say (How's that any different from usual? True, and fuck you!) ------------------------------------------- 4. I Want My MPFree By John Iadipaolo Mere months ago, 75% of the public was content in knowing that, if they put their treasured Britney Spears CD into their computer, it would play. Now, suddenly, people are talking about MP3s--sound files that offer audio quality comparable to a compact disc, but at a fraction of the size of a ripped CD track. Thanks to everyone from Time magazine to the New York Post, the same person who was content listening to 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' on their Spears CD can now duplicate and trade the entire album over the net using free products like RealJukebox and Napser in a matter of minutes. The process is quick, easy- and 100% free. Now, I wrote this article because I want to say that, yes, I download illegal MP3s onto my computer. I own few of the albums that I download songs from, I pass out songs to my friends, and generally - according to a lot of angry people- cheat artists and record companies out of a lot of money. But before you scroll down the document to find another article (preferably one that wasn't written by an asshole), or better yet, write in to flame me for being a cheapskate, wait a moment. I'm not looking to start any controversy- although I think it would thrive in an ezine like CoN. I want to explain, and perhaps defend, my use of MP3s, because some of us aren't taking advantage of this whole 'free music' situation they way it is being portrayed in the media. First off, in no way am I defending those wonderful individuals who download entire albums in lieu of buying them. Likewise, everyone who pirates games should have their colons sucked dry with an industry-strength vacuum cleaner. I'd hate to think that someone out there was taking something I poured a piece of my life into creating, using it as they pleased, and denying me of rightful payment. [Note to reader of CoN: Send us $$ :)]. That's not how it's done, and anyone who tries to tell me that they have a 'right' to product without payment can- for lack of a wittier insult- screw themselves. People like that make it really difficult for hard working individuals to earn a living and support their talents. ....But that's exactly what I'm doing, right? Well, yes and no. As I said, I'm constantly downloading new, copyrighted songs that I have not paid for and have no intention of ever paying for. Many of you will probably say that I'm stealing. Maybe I am. But consider the following: about 75% of the songs I download are singles. These are songs that have been released to promote the album and radio stations and television programs play them constantly for a few weeks before discarding them for something new. This is what I do as well. A new single will rotate through my playlist for a month at most before I delete it. The majority of these bands will never be heard from again and their albums are of dubious quality to say the least. Are they losing any money if I make it more convenient for myself to listen to the very song they released to the public to hear? Hey, occasionally I'll become intrigued with one of the aforementioned artists whose singles I'm 'borrowing' and download a few more tracks from the album. If I like it, I'll buy it. If not, then I can delete the offending songs and be content knowing I didn't waste a trip down to the mall or go through the hassles of returning an unwanted CD. Believe it or not, but some artists have actually benefited from my 'illegal activities'. I never would have become a fan of older acts like Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles and Supertramp without fast, convenient MP3s. So what accounts for the other 25% of mydownloads? The majority are bootlegs/live versions of songs I already own or unreleased material by bands I love. For example, The Smashing Pumpkins have recorded literally hundreds of songs in the their eleven year history (a history which is sadly coming to an end, but that's a rant for another article). I own all seven of their commercially released albums, but there are still a large collection of tracks that have never been released or were only played live. By downloading these songs, I get to enjoy new material by my favourite band as well as gaining new perspectives on their music. I would buy the right to listen to these songs if I could, but that's not an option, so I'm certainly not going to resist the download because of an annoying copyright. Occasionally, I do download entire albums. I actually had full copies of the new Smashing Pumpkins album and the debut from A Perfect Circle months before they were released in stores. If I was a real thief, I could have made CD-R copies of the albums and generated quite a bit of income selling them to interested fans- but I didn't. Instead, I listened to the albums, and when they came out in stores I promptly bought them because I enjoyed the music. In the end, my opinion doesn't really count for much. I'm just rationalising my habits so I won't feel bad whilst I'm 'stealing' someone's music. Either way, the music industry will adapt to the Internet and find a new way to force people to pay for the music they listen to. Or programmers and hackers will make it so difficult to stop music pirating that the whole system will collapse: Freenet, created by a 23-year-old British programmer, offers total anonymity for users sharing files (which is nice if you don't feel like paying for that new Blink182 album AND you also happen to be a terrorist who dabbles in child pornography on the side!) Arrgh. In the mean time, I feel like listening to 'Comfortably Numb' again before I head to the gym. --- John Iadipaolo is excited about something. Problem is, he can't remember what it was. ------------------------------------------- 5. Big Green Coffee By Jason MacIsaac A song parody of "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell They paved paradise and put up a Starbucks With plenty of grinders and a bunch of fake arthouse schmucks Do we need another one? There was a bookstore but now it's gone They paved paradise and put up a Starbucks Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop-bop They had just one, not too far down the street And now it seems they have to put one up every fifteen feet Don't it always seem to go That they keep expanding out of control They paved paradise and put up a Starbucks Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop-bop Hey Mr. CEO, I think that's enough now Everywhere I look, I see Gap, Blockbuster, Microsoft and AOL Geez! Didn't it once seem before That we actually had a choice in our stores They paved paradise and put up a Starbucks I say, they paved paradise and they put up a Starbucks Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you've got till it's gone They paved paradise and put up a Starbucks Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop Yesterday I saw another wrecking ball land And a big green coffee knocked down my favorite burger stand! I don't mean to have a cow But where am I gonna get my lunch now? They paved paradise and they put up a Starbucks Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you've got till it's gone They paved paradise and put up a Starbucks Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop Oh, now, they paved Starbucks and they put up a parking lot Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop Hey, steam rolled paradise and put up a Starbucks Shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop --- Jason MacIsaac apologizes profusely to Joni Mitchell. ------------------------------------------- CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org. CoN: Build a man a fire, you keep him warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life. Sam C. Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse" In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere Published every second Monday (or when we get around it) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive Comments, queries and submissions are welcome http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471 A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost electronically. Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the Capital of Nasty mailing list. Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN, ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to unsubscribe because such email aggravates your intolerance towards gold testicles, simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org. Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat) Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett <leandro@capnasty.org> <tyrannis@capnasty.org> ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D