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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume III, Issue 15, AD MCMXCVIII
Monday, August 24th, 1998
ISSN 1482-0471
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I hate em and I want to keep their heads in the toilet and keep flushing until
the blue stuff runs out.
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The Family Circus movie
Starring
Macauley Culkin as Billy
That little shit from Jerry Maquire as Jeffy
Pamela Anderson Lee as Dolly
Mr. T. as PJ
Marilyn Manson as Thel Keane
and
Jerry Springer as Bil Keane
Coming soon to a theatre near you
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1. Editorial
2. Why guys don't call...
3. Calculated Risks
4. Best Kind of Wonderful
5. The EX
6. The Conspiracy Behind Girlfriends
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
This guy wouldn't know Cool if it sexually assaulted him
http://www.voicenet.com/~dhagee/new.htm
by Jason MacIsaac
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1. Editorial
by Leandro
Last month Jason and I went to see Romeo and Juliet being performed in the park.
We were already late and the rest of the gang was waiting by the theatre, so to
get there faster we cut through the woods, because, you know, we thought we were
smart and all. Instead we got lost and finally emerged somewhere else all dirty
and sweaty. You are probably wondering, lost in a park? High Park is pretty
big, and well, I guess we don't have a good sense of direction.
As I arrive to buy tickets, the girl at the stand hands them to me and says,
"Are you Leandro?"
The fact that she knew me didn't seem to bother me. I was more worried about
the way I looked that day. Unshaven, dirty, sweaty, and with an hair-do long
gone out of style, so I timidly answered, "y-yes?"
"Oh cool! I read CoN!"
And I'm thinking "What the fuck? How the hell does she know I have anything to
do with CoN?"
"I'm IMPROV's girlfriend!" she clarified. Probably the dumb look on my face gave
away the fact that I was completely clueless.
"Oh, that's great!" and as if that was enough to explain it all, I grabbed the
tickets and dashed inside.
Halfway through the play, with my ass incredibly sore from sitting on the
ground, with a Romeo that showed no signs of puberty in his voice, Betty
whispering, "Come 'on, kill yourself so we can get out of here," I realized I
had been a bit too harsh and quick. Alas, I'm sure she has IMPROV writing a
nasty article about me now...
Well, again, another long delay. I have been busy fighting with the offices of
the college where I applied, since they seem to be enjoying themselves in making
my life harder than it already is. Fortunately after a bit of struggle I
managed to get into the course I wanted. To delay things even further, I left
for Europe to deal with some family business, and I didn't have the time to
finish CoN until I got back. 624 e-mails were (are) waiting for me, so if any
of you wrote, eventually within the next 6 months, you'll get a reply.
I leave you now with a letter from a reader. The next issue does not have a
theme, other than being a recycling bin of all other articles we had that did
not fit anywhere. Issue 17, however, will deal with school (colleges,
universities, the fucking annoying kid that sits behind you and rocks his head
every two seconds and never talks). Please feel free to send your fanatical
ranting to con@capnasty.org. We have, at the time of writing, three spots left.
From: Arno van Boven
To: con@capnasty.org
Date sent: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 21:31:01 +0200
Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty III.14
With all due respect, I have to point out something to you about what you said
about Steven Spielberg and Schindler's List. It is, by far, the worst movie I
ever saw. Well, that is a matter of personal opinion of course, but allow me to
explain my reasons in short: I believe that turning a tiny event that has some
very smelly aspects to it, into a Hollywood blockbuster about some allegedly
epic hero is very, very sick indeed. Schindler didn't 'protect' or 'save' the
people on the list for purposes of humanity or resistance to the nazi-regime. It
was a way of making sure he could keep his company going. (No wonder Spielberg
chose this story; it does seem to be the one thing his US-audience can relate to
most (->money), as issues of human rights seem to be not of any concern across
the ocean..) There is a little of that in the movie if I remember correctly, but
he *certainly*, I repeat, *certainly* wasn't the hero Spielberg tries to make of
him. There is a lot of trash coming from Hollywood, but I especially hated this
one because it had this 'politically correct' thing about it. C'mon! We are
talking Spielberg here, the movie industry! It's a money thing... no matter what
they pretend to be...
Enough ranting, all I wanted to tell you, really, is that if you are truly
interested in getting to know more about WWII and the holocaust, you should
really, really, really watch the documentary by Lanzmann, called 'Shoah'. It's
sort of long (6 hrs I think, or 9 even maybe), but you'll sit through it
breathless, motionless, and you will be suffering from insomnia for the rest of
the week, or longer. One of the best documentaries I have ever seen.
Cheers,
arno (male, caucasian, non-jewish, anti-fascist, anti-racist)
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2. Why guys don't call...
by Davinder Sangha
Why men don't call? This question is asked by thousand of women as they stand
patiently by the phone waiting from a call from their respective partners.
Well! From my personal perspective I believe it's an issue of commitment. Once
they have passed the first stage of being all lovey-dovey with us, they see no
more need of picking up the phone and calling us like they used to. Long gone
are the days of hours long phone calls through the night!
I had this problem with my boyfriend. The asshole never fucken' called me. I
was the one that always had to do the calling. Okay, so maybe I called him a
little too much in the beginning, but hey! At least I called and showed him he
was on my mind.
After a year and half ladies, I figured it out. Stop calling them. Suddenly
the phone started ringing more often, and guess who was on the other side of the
line? You see, men live in a perpetual stage of guilt when they are not around
us. They look at other women, they flirt, but back in their mind they think of
us. So when the phone stops ringing, they begin to wonder why.
At first they will eye the phone suspiciously ("she should've called by now").
Then they start to wonder why she hasn't called for the past few days. They
will finally give in all driven by a sense of guilt and suspiciousness that we
are not interested in them anymore.
Presently I don't call my man everyday, but just once in a blue moon. However
he now calls me much more than before.
Call it "reverse psychology" if you want, but it's shockingly simple once you
have it figured out: pretend your interest in them has decreased by calling them
less. Automatically, they will call you more.
Although I've heard many different views on the book "Men are from Mars, women
are from Venus", I think it shred some light on this problem. Take for example
when men ask for more space. A woman will automatically cling on them more
thinking that he doesn't love her anymore.
At first I didn't understand why my guy needed space. I mean, we love each
other right? We should be together all the time! But then it clicked in. It's
like calling too much. He has it up to here to hear the phone all the time with
me on the other end, and so he avoided me completely.
At one time I remember calling my boyfriend at least 4 to 6 times a day (eight
actually - Editor). I called because I wanted to wish him a good morning, I
called because I wanted to wish him a good night, I called just because I wanted
to hear his voice. It might sound corny, but it's a sign of love and a women's
thing, eh!
As a result he would say nothing on the phone, or answer my questions with "I
told you this already in phone calls 1 through 4". He would try to keep the
phone calls as short as possible and to me, it seemed that his love for me had
died.
So keep your men on his toes. Make him desire you and he will be crawling at
your feet. Bond with his female friends, and soon enough he will realize he has
no choice but to pick up that phone and dial. And with that, save your
heartache as well.
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3. Calculated Risks
By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
Ah, falling in love for the first time. How can one forget? You see
someone you know nothing about, do your best to find some info on
them, and eventually (or not) a beautiful, romantic (and steamy)
relationship with this person starts. The first touch of your hands
with theirs. The first kiss. And everything, even a rock that the
two of you have touched, is the most beautiful thing ever. That is
until of course you realize what a real pain in the ass the other
person is and you break up as you mutter to yourself "what the fuck
was I thinking?" Ah, yes, that's love at first sight. Isn't it
wonderful? Of course you have only one person to blame, and that's
Cupid. Damn you Cupid, blind archer of my ass.
Granted, not everyone experiences it like that. I'm sure some of you
are still dating the first love of your life. Some others probably
broke up with the first love of your life and maintained a
well-established friendship. Well, that's very nice, but fortunately,
the majority of us, have experienced (sooner or later) quite a rough
ride. So, please, don't send any e-mail in with comments such as "oh,
I have been dating the same person for the past 500 years and we are
in love as the first time". Great, but that's not the point of my
article.
After the first love experience, people tend to go for the
"relationship". Relationships are the most fucked up thing anyone
will experience in life. First of all, chances are you will know very
little about this person. Call it a relapse, if you like, of love at
first sight. But it's a little different, being a step up then
before. You know a bit more, you have an approximate idea of what is
good to say, and you follow her body language in order to know what
your next move is. Relationships are like playing chess and hockey
together. She touches your arm; you touch her hand. She kisses you
on the cheek, you kiss her on the lips. You look at her move, you
calculate carefully what to do and then you slowly skate in to score.
You will have to learn this careful art as soon as you can, since, as
my friend Gard explained, women stand side-by-side with oxymoron.
They will examine each and every move you do to see what your
intentions are. They will discuss what you did with their friends in
minuscule and painful detail. They will come to conclusions you could
never dream off, just because, when you entered the house for example,
you did not take your shoes off.
Picture this: it's you and the current girl you just started dating.
You are watching a movie you rented in the privacy of your home.
Halfway through the movie you decide to touch her hand before she
does. She thinks: "oh, he's getting audacious! He probably wants to
get laid! The damned pig!"
You move your hand away: "Oh, he is not interested in me! I should
break up before he decides to break up with me!"
You don't touch her at all to avoid:
a) any of the above
b) you are just shy,
c) since you tried the first two, you decided to avoid it all and save
yourself the hassle of screwing up. Alas: "He isn't touching me. WHY
isn't he touching me? He must be insecure. I don't want an insecure
man!"
Note, all of the above have been proven by CoN scientists.
Naturally, there is a chance (a large one) that the girl is not
interested in a relationship. She just wants to be "friends". This is
called Platonic friendship. Platonic friendship suck, and unless you
want to be "her best friend" for a long while, until she gets married,
you are better off punching yourself in the nads. It's less painful
and it will give you something more important to think about. An
article about Platonic Friendships appeared in Volume I, Issue 22
(http://www.capnasty.org/issues/1996-01/cn961118.html#4).
Of course relationships come and go. And they are all different. At
one time she's blonde, the next time she's a brunette, or even blue
skin and little antennae (if there are any Trekkies out there, can you
tell me in what episode did Kirk date her? Thanks). However you will
get to a point where you'll look for a woman which is something more
than a pretty mannequin to carry around with you. This will evolve
into a calculated risk.
Now, what exactly is a calculated risk? You see, after your first
true love, where you fell head over heals for some girl, you begin to
realize what exactly you want in a woman. So while technically you
fall in love, at the same time you find yourself checking her out to
be sure that you are looking farther than skin deep. It's still a
risk getting involved with the woman, but alas, it's more calculated
then before. You are not just going for it blind just because you
like her breast size. Usually you go for things like "is she patient?
Can she put up with me? Is she intelligent so that I can have a
serious conversation with her?" The last one of course becomes a
curse, and you find yourself wishing for a woman that was easier to
control and manipulate and will not call you a male pig if you ask her
to wash your 3-weeks old socks, all bundled up with some boring
lecture about feminism.
Many things will change. You will be able to go for a week without
her being at your house everyday, or being in the same house, doing
different things, in different rooms. You will be able to go out with
your friends without having to take her along every time. You will be
allowed to talk to other women or even (gasp!) have female friends
without causing nervous breakdowns over some hidden jealousy. Slowly
but steadily the changes will occur, where the two partners will have
personal lives, without leaning too much on the other.
Sex will also change. It will no longer be called sex, but it will
mutate into "love making", which means that instead of getting up and
leaving, once you're done, you stay in bed, making comments on how
wonderful it is to be with the other person.
Love making is very important in these types of relationships as they
allow you to become a better lover as you understand the person more
by the signals they send you:
"MORE! MORE!" -- What do you mean, more? I'm giving you all I've got!
One size fits all. It could be as long as the leaning tower of Pisa,
and she would still scream for more. Shortly after the call for
"more" usually she will start screaming for you to be "FASTER!
FASTER!" God-damn-it. I'm going so fast, you can't tell if my legs
are up or down. And I definitely think that if I go any faster my
heart is going to explode.
Eventually you find yourself running out of stamina. It's been half an
hour and she is still screaming for more at Mach-1 like speeds. And
you are thinking, "how long more before you decide to come? Please
come. Come on, come so I can stop". But no, for the past 30 minutes
it sounded like they are about to reach what could possible be the
most amazing orgasm they will ever have, but never really get there.
Just about now a cramp started in your left leg. You get to the point
where you don't even care about your orgasm anymore (not that it
matters at this point, you can hardly feel your penis anyway) but you
don't want to stop. If you stop, she's going to bicker at you with
the "I was so close!" (Apparently women are always 'close' but never
close enough). It's also a thing with guys, you know, they gotta be
man, can't stop till the job is done, till the lady is satisfied.
Finally when they reach their orgasm, and you collapse in a pile of
sweat, unable to move, your leg cramping happily away, your heart
sounding like the drums of a marching army, they have the courtesy of
pointing out that you are all sweaty. I am? Well bugger me.
If you find yourself involved with a woman who can put up with all
your little dark sides, including smelly socks and awful breath in the
morning, don't let them slip away. You might just have found your
calculated risk.
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4. Best Kind of Wonderful
by Lilith DemHareIs
The Best Kind of Relationships, I believe, are the monogamous marriages. You
know the kind, the ones that last forever, and you see a little old man kiss a
little old lady every time he leaves the house, even if the reason behind
leaving the house is to go pick her a flower from the garden.
They exist, I've seen 'em, and I'm going to have one myself. I am determined.
We've all had relationships go bad. Goodness, I've had five of them go bad on
me before I found my husband. (Four of the guys left me for another woman; one
left me for another man.) But the hindsight lesson which I learned from all of
them was that ya can't expect anything better than what you're willing to give.
As time progressed, I found myself looking for relationships more with my common
sense, instead of just with my heart. And, as time progressed, the
relationships were deeper, and lasted longer.
Love makes the world go round, but it's physics that keep it all together and
functioning. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn't mean the
relationship would work. Certainly love makes a relationship easier to manage,
but it should, by no means, be the only glue which holds it together.
An enduring relationship is one that doesn't hold together love, but holds
together LIVES. I'm sure everyone know some couple that has broken up because
their lives don't fit together. Sure, they loved each other, but "it just
wouldn't have worked out."
So you want an enduring relationship. If so, you must start with yourself. Are
you the sort of person with whom someone will want to spend the rest of their
life (and beyond) with? If not, what would you change? (And don't just
acknowledge it; change it.)
You can only ask of someone that which you yourself are willing to give. No
more. And no less.
If you are unwilling to make a few lifestyle changes, make a few sacrifices and
compromises, you can't expect someone else to, yet still be truly happy in a
relationship. We all have had some experience in the past with someone who was
a little bit more selfish, a little less strong, a little less committed.
If you are unwilling to stand up for what's *really* important in your life (and
I don't just mean your cat), they you're going to either end up with someone
who'll walk all over you, or who'll be so weak that the relationship won't go
anywhere. How many of us have been in a relationship that "fizzled out"? How
many of us have been in an abusive relationship, and tried to get out?
The lasting relationships, the ones that work, the ones that make you both happy
are relationships of balance. You can only ask for what you are willing to
give.
Now, don't complain that all you can ever find are losers. Either something is
wrong with you, or something is wrong with where you are.
Something wrong with you: there are losers in the world, guaranteed. But they
are getting attracted to you (or vice versa) for some reason. Change that thing
that attracts them. Better yet, foster qualities in yourself that are
attractive and good. Then, instead of losing losers, you'll be attracting the
winners. (And as we all know, the winners are the ones who get snatched up into
good relationships.)
Something wrong with where you are: If you can't find what you are looking for
where you are, expand your search. If your main hunting ground is the singles'
bar scene, then your chances of finding someone exciting (who doesn't drink) are
very low. Get out into the world. Go someplace other than your usual hunting
ground. Leave the Singles' Ward, and join a club somewhere. Expand out. For
all you know, the person with whom you could hit it off perfectly could indeed
be doing all the things you do, and going to all the places you go, but in a
different city. I ended up looking on the literal other side of the planet.
But I did find him. We've just celebrated another anniversary. We're planning
on buying a house this year, and having babies. And he loves to read my novels.
In about fifty or sixty years time, I expect his eyes will be too weak to read,
and his fingers too deft to handle garden shears, so I'll have to trim the dirt
and roots off of the flower he pulled up for me out of the garden and put it in
a vase.
I still have the rose he first gave me.
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5. The "EX"
by Teresa "Tessen X" Toth
I ran into my ex-boyfriend the other day while waiting for the present love of
my life. It's been over a year and a half and he still doesn't have the balls to
approach me. Hey, we're better off apart then we ever were together. I'm sure
everyone has heard the ol' spiel "Let's be friends". Well let me tell you my
little friend, that's bullshit, plain and simple. It's just a way to dump a
person without feeling guilty for being a prick. Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all
before; SURE you were sincere when you said it. But things "Just didn't work
out". What a pity, what a shame... that's life. I'm sure we all think that when
we go out with someone, it will last, that love will surround you and you'll
never have to be alone again. Well think again. I mean hey, I now have someone
who is indeed the most wonderful person, but it took a lot of assholes to
finally get to a nice fella. But the one ex that tops them all was a guy named