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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 42, AD MCMXCVII
Wednesday, December 10th, In the Year of our Lord 1997
ISSN 1482-0471
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"As a subscriber since 94, I have come to respect, and look forward,
to your opinions. Still, on the spam issue, you are as guilty as
everyone else of pussyfooting around the issue. It's all numbers.
Direct mailers need about a 2% response to make money. Spammers need
a hundredth of that or 0.02% to make money. As long as someone,
somewhere is replying to spam, there will always be more spam. The
solution? To steal a page from Dennis Miller's stage act, if you
ever find yourself actually buying anything from a spammer, you
simply must kill yourself for the general good of Cyberspace. And if
anyone you know is dealing with a spammer, you must take them out
too. It's the only way."
-- Name withheld on request.
Courtesy of the McLuhan Connection (formerly "Project McLuhan')
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"I saw this thing on the TV about chameleons. When a female, I guess
I shouldn't anthropomorphise an chameleon, but when she finds a man
in whom she's interested (or pretty much any male, for that matter),
she turns green. Instead of struggling to chit-chat with a guy for
three hours, I wish I could simply turn green."
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1. Editorial
2. Isn't it cute?
3. Review: Alien Resurrection
4. Predictions for the future
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
Kubert the hated retard world
http://tangent.tangent.com/.Z/VSH/LES/MEAN/DEFAULT.HTM
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1. Editorial
Colin Barrett, Webmaster
GREETINGS TO OUR READERSHIP, without whom CoN would not have a
purpose. This is issue 42. I apologise for its late arrival.
By the time most of you read this, Leandro will be on a plane bound
for Italy. He will be staying there for approximately a month.
During his absence, I am the acting editor. Leandro assured me that
as long as he can find a working telegraph line, he may write.
CoNtributions
We received a question from one loyal reader about whether CoN
accepts submissions from its readership. Absolutely. That makes me
think of the next and last issue of the year, which should be ready
just before Christmas. Here's an invitation: if you have a holiday
or New Year's bad wishes for that insignificant someone you despise,
say it with CoN. Please send your words of malice to
con@capnasty.org by December 20. If you have anything nice to say
about someone, we'll consider publishing that too.
Junk Faxes
CoN received a couple of letters in reply to Leandro's rant about
Junk faxes, one from Gard E. Abrahamsen and this one from Tim
Henderson:
Faxing unwanted ads is a federal offense. In many states, you can
collect damages yourself. In some states, you can get hundreds of
dollars per unsolicited ad.
These anti-junk-faxing laws went on the books about 10 years ago.
Nevada and Maryland have the most interesting ones. If I were you, I
would contact my state assemblyman or whoever reps you in the state
capital, and ask about the law there.
Junk faxes can be "found money".
Leandro and myself live in Canada. Now I could be wrong, but I'm
pretty certain there is no law in Canada banning junk faxes. While
the thought of collecting compensation is a very nice one, I would
rather see people who send junk faxes sent to a special prison in
which all the walls of every cell and room -- yes, even the showers
-- are lined with junk faxes. Any prisoner who attempts to remove
the faxed wallpaper will be banished to some remote island north of
the Artic Circle.
With that charming note, I hope you enjoy this issue.
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2. Isn't it cute?
by IMPROV
So, my girlfriend and I are having lunch together. She happens to
have baby carrots with her meal. She holds one up and asks, "Isn't
it cute?"
Well actually no... no its not at all. It's a fucking vegetable!!
Vegetables are not cute. I think through this one question I have
figured out women... I may very well be the first man to have this
priceless knowledge, and of course, being the caring guy that I am,
I will share this information with you. (Nevermind the fact that I
haven't written an article in a month)
Women look at the world in a much different manner then do men, I
know what you are thinking, "no shit dumb ass" but really think
about it: Do you know any men that look at things (that are normally
large, but aren't) and think, "Awww isn't that cute?" I can't recall
the last time I was out with the boys and good ol' Gerry turns to me
while gesturing to a bonsai tree and says, "Now that's cute!" When I
look at a pit bull puppy I envision it ripping a large hole on my
lower calf! A woman will look at that same puppy and think that it
is just the cutest thing... nevermind the fact that in six months
time that "cute thing" will snap and tear your throat out and mix
your larynx in with it's puppy chow for dinner. But no because it is
small right now, it's cute.
What if Jeffery Dahmer was a midget? ... Would he have been cute?
I honestly think that if Paul Bernardo looked like that guy who
played Webster, there would be a movement for his release!
The only thing that women look at and think bigger is better is
the penis, the one thing that most men wouldn't mind the whole less
is better theory. No of course not, women want their men to be hung
like horses... not "cute" hamsters!!!
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3. Alien Resurrection
by Peter Steen
Thank God that whoever is responsible for Alien Resurrection has
some humour, some originality and some brains. Going into the movie
theatre, I was worried that the latest Alien flick was going to be
some lamely-hashed out excuse for a shoot-em-up quick moneymaker.
Quite the opposite, however. The plot line -- if you dig the whole
`corporate conspiracy' motif that's been prevalent throughout the
Alien series - is basically that Ripley is `resurrected' 200 years
later, on board a scientific space vessel, with a bunch of nasty
alien beasties which eventually get out and start driving their
inner mini-jaws through a collection of unlucky humans. That's been
the essential storyline for the entire Alien franchise; humans and
aliens don't co-habitate well.
But with Alien Resurrection, the moviemakers have added certain
twists and tweaks to `The Life of Ripley.' First of all, the now
twohundredsomething gal is made more Schwartzeneggeresque, meaning
she says less than usual but is filled with humourous one-liners. "I
thought you were dead," says someone. "I get that a lot," is her
Arnold-like reply.
There are some great scenes -- particularly when Ripley & Co. find
room 1 - 7. The entire episode is both fascinating and creepy at the
same time (and makes the opening sequence, during the credits, make
sense). Sigourney Weaver proves, yet again, that a woman lead actor
in a testosterone-laden flick can make it work, if the character is
believable. Winona Ryder proves, yet again, that she can't act her
way out of a wet alien pod. The usual accompanying cast of allies/
alien-fodder are an interesting enough bunch, with the arachnophobic
Ron Perlman given the best character (and doing the best job at it).
There are moments of true sexual tension in Alien Resurrection,
with most involving Ripley (with Perlman and with Winona). But even
then, there is an eventual plot twist which makes the lesbo-
eroticism digestible and humourous.
All in all, I would say this is (obviously) a must see for anyone
into the whole Alien universe, and highly recommended for those who
like a quality flick that's got `intelligent' gore, suspense,
humour, good characters, a good story, excellent effects and a Queen
alien beastie that makes you believe the maternal instinct is
inherent in all God's creatures, even those that kill all the humans
from Alien Resurrection in the most heinous and amusing of fashions.
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4. Predictions for the future
by Milkshake
If you hadn't noticed, we are nearing the end to yet another year.
So i've decided to make some predictions about what might happen in
the future, here they are (in no particular order of probability).
1) All the worlds lost paper-clips will get together to form a
planet crushing army. they will first take over the larger powers
such as the USA and Russia and the like before moving on to wipe out
the rest of the human race that spawned them, leaving the world
completely inhabited by paper-clips.
2) The amount of fat people in America will be so great that the
whole country sinks into the sea, with very few areas managiing to
remain afloat. These will be fitted with giant motors and used as
travelling holiday camps by Belgians and the people from Scotland,
travelling from country to country, skimming the waves.
3) Bill Gates takes over the world and bans all forms of
entertainment except the Internet and Microsoft games by threatening
people with gerkins so they all do what he says.
BIG FIGHT
The big fight has unfortunately been discovered by the RSPCA and has
subsequently been stopped. I am denying any involvement in these
criminal activities and have been released as the police have no
evidence to connect me to the crimes.
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Coming soon: Squinting for Windows. Destroy your vision while you
play solitaire.