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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 40, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, November 10th, 1997
ISSN 1482-0471
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"I got the message about the party from both you and Rob. That
Alejandro etc. fellow did you say he has a girlfriend? If the goat
thing doesn't work for him i am willing to step in. I have this
image that he is a good-looking guy, so if he isn't I would be
rather disappointed."
-- "a chick who will be coming to the party"
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"Hardwiring censorship technology into the PC is part of the
headlong rush to a scheme of rating and blocking Internet content
that will turn the Internet into a bland homogenized medium in which
only large corporate interest will have truly free speech."
-- ACLU Associate Director Barry Steinhardt regarding the placing
of censorship V-chips inside new computers
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1. Editorial
2. Life and Death
3. Mussolini's Tomb
4. Starship Troopers
5. Articular Properties
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
Please don't go to Hell. God doesn't want you to.
http://www.pcola.gulf.net/~sojourner/thefool.html
Nominated by Jason MacIsaac
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1. Editorial
by Leandro
Welcome to Issue 40 of Capital of Nasty. The end of the year is
close by, and before Halloween was over, the stores began to display
their Christmas decorations. It seems that in this world we just
live to add more material possessions to the ones we already have.
By not having these products, you are not cool, and you will not be
accepted by society.
Anyway, before anyone starts accusing me again of having turned into
Capital of Philosophy, I'd better answer a few questions which I
have receivied in my mailbox. I was asked how the weather was here.
Well, this is Canada, the weather ranges from 30 degrees celcius in
the summer to -30 degrees celcius in the winter. Thanks to El Nino
we are probably going to have such a large load of snow, that maybe
we should all learn to hybernate.
From several readers I was asked if it is possible to contribute to
CoN. The answer is yes, in fact if it wasn't for some of our
readers, CoN would be pretty dry at times. There are no real
guidelines to follow for your submission. Just keep in mind the
following:
Spelling: it's hard to enjoy reading when there are awful spelling
mistakes. Don't get me wrong, I contribute with my good share of
errors, but it still makes sense.
Grammar: it is difficult to understand what one is trying to say if
the sentences are poorly written. Ask yourself: does it make sense,
can you comprehend what you are saying?
Language: We would prefer to limit the use of swearing. Humor based
vulgarities, ceases to be funny. However we are not stopping you
from using them. In other words, use them wisely.
Freedom of Speech: speak your heart out! Just remember that as much
as you have freedom to say what you desire, you have no right to
abuse it. If you have to make negative/racist comments about
something or someone, make sure you can back yourself up. Any
primate can write "CoN sucks" but how many can write the reasons why
it does? (If you write such an article, don't forget to include your
home address. Our boys Frank and Joe will gladly bring you the prize
you have won.. hehe).
There are about 70 more unread e-mails in my mailbox, so I apologize
if I haven't replied to any of you. I am enjoying a stomach flu
which has drained me completely of what little energy I have left. I
hope you'll enjoy this issue, and I hope to get some feedback from
everyone of you.
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2. Life and Death
by Theresa Toth
I guess I should start off by introducing myself, supposedly it's
the proper thing to do. I'm Theresa toth a.k.a. Tess, a nineteen
year old female. Okay, let's bloody well get on with it... It was
requested by Leo that I write an article for CoN. It indeed was a
great honour bestowed on myself, so I decided, what the hell, give
it the old college try. But, he didn't give me any guidelines to
follow or topics to discuss. When I questioned him what the hell I
was supposed to write, he basically said anything. So, I figured
whatever popped into my mind, that was what I was going to comment
on. Also keep in mind that I am not an official member of CoN and do
not know what is deemed respectable or what meets CoN's standards.
Therefore, don't blame me if this doesn't make any sense, all right?
:)
Late Friday Night
Let's see... it's always difficult to start off an assignment (I've
goofed off as much as I can for the present moment). Right now it's
a quarter past twelve and it's one of those damn nights when my
thoughts won't leave me alone. I've tried everything known to man
and nothing seems to work. So, I decided this would be a good time
to start contemplating what I was going to write for this article. I
wanted to write about something original, interesting and modern.
But, the topic that relentlessly pursues my cranium is life, of all
things! No, I'm not conteplating the meaning of life (everyone knows
the answer is 42!), rather, I'm thinking about life and death.
Normally I could think of something bizarre to write about, like why
every female mannequin has erected nipples (why is that anyway?) but
it's been one hell of a year (can anyone relate here?!) It seems
that all my friends are dying on me. I learned that my good friend
died of cancer, another was murdered on her way home, I held my
friend's hand while she went through an abortion (not a pretty
sight) and I had a couple of pals decide to get suicidal on my ass.
All these events had put stress on me. I'm not looking for sympathy,
it solves nothing, but all this crap puts everything in a different
perspective.
When Leo first knew me, I was a goody-goody who starved for
attention. I was always concerned for others' well being. I worried
about others to the point of insanity sometimes! He used to tell me
"Tess, no wonder you have fucking ulcers! Stop worrying about
others! It might sound selfish, but you should say to yourself 'the
only things important is me, myself and I'." At first, I couldn't
believe in that whole "selfish" behaviour, it was so unlike myself
not to worry about others. That was two years ago. A lot has
happened since then. With all this death happening around me, even
with the death of Mother Teresa and Princess Diana, all of it has
made me become somewhat numb. I don't know how to react. I want to
show emotions, tears, sadness over all the lost, but nothing. Does
this mean I'm becoming insensitive? Sometimes I wish I still could
openly cry, but these days it seems to be more difficult to do. But
I still think continuosly about it, so I guess I haven't become
completely cold-hearted yet. :)
Time, it seems, things go by too damn quickly. We're so busy
watching out for what's ahead of us that we don't enjoy where we
are. Days, weeks go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a
blur. Often it takes some sort of calamity to make us live in the
present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we've
made, but by then it's too late to change anything. Once it's too
late, we appreciate what a miracle life is. We realize that nature
is ruthless and our existance is very fragile, temporary and
precious. But to go on with daily affairs, one can't really think
about that...which is probably why everyone takes the world for
granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. As a matter of fact, it's
not easy to keep from being overwhelmed by a sense of defeat and
pessimism when we look at our mistakes and deeply into ourselves to
find out that we aren't perfect and invincible afterall. Pessimism
is frequently a sign of our tendency to try to solve everything on a
conscious level and our reluctance to rely on others for help.
...Perhaps I should have warned you that my thoughts tend to escape
my control? Oh well. I think I should stop myself before I hurt
myself beyond repair! This ends my article (and MRs. Werden aka.
"Deathstar" said I couldn't write! Hah! I can write, but just not
well, that's all! =)
[Note: Mrs. Werden was the English Department Head in our High
School. Not only she was a bitch, but she was also so fat that we
had to nickname her "Deathstar" -- Editor]
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3. Mussolini's Tomb
I had been living in Italy for around 8 months. I had seen
everything from the colosseum of Rome to Mount Vesuvius to Lake
Como. I'd seen Florence, Assisi, you know.. all those touristy
places. But I was living in a smaller town, called Forli' about
halfway between Bologna and Rimini. I, and my boyfriend, was
thinking that it was about time to see some of the local things.
Sure I had seen the center of Forli' millions of times, and the road
that leads from Forli' straight to Florence (about a 2 hour trip
straight through the mountains). Me and my boyfriend went to a
little bookstand one day thinking about buying some books about
Romagna (the region where Forli' is located). Luca (my boyfriend)
would be coming to America soon, and wanted something to remember is
home region by.
So, we went to the appropriate section, looked through some poetry
books written in dialect, history, pictures, etc., and finally we
found just the type of think that I was looking for: the Atlante
Romagnolo (basically an atlas of the region). We looked through it
and found that it listed every single community in the region, and
its main attractions. I thought that was a really great idea, and we
bought it for a mere $6 (USD). We looked through the book that
night, writing down all the interesting places we could go... we
went to see castles, museums, all your run of the mill Italian
things... we even drove an hour and trekked 2 hours through the
mountains just to see the Acquacheta waterfall (to those of you who
have seen the Niagara Falls, this would be nothing: but to me, it
was awesome, I'd never seen a waterfall before afterall).
Anyways, back to my point... after visiting just about all the
places in the books I finally just came out and said "Come on! We
have to go to Predappio!!" (Predappio just so happens to be the
hometown of the famous Benito Mussolini). I just couldn't help it..
I can't understand how one can knowingly be less than 10 miles away
from the grave of Mussolini and not go to see it! Luca didn't want
to go though.. "I'm not a Fascist!" he said tons of times, before I
finally convinced him (although I don't think I could express with
words how ashamed he was to actually go). So one day we drove out
there, and of course I brought my camera. I have to admit I was a
little nervous walking through such a sacred place as a cemetery (an
Italian one at that) just to take pictures of a dead dictator's
tomb.. but I did.
We were looking around, wondering where the heck the thing was,
when all of a sudden this huge church-like building just sprung up
in front of me. It was huge! I tried to take a couple of pictures
without anyone noticing, and then Luca says to me, "Okay, let's go
now." No way!! Do you really think I would go all the way to Italy,
find out how close I am to this tomb, and not go inside?!
So, after a little twisting of the arm, we go towards the crypt,
and start to hear voices coming from inside the building (no, it's
not Mussolini's ghost or anything). Then I started to feel like
maybe we should leave.. who was that in there anyways? What if it
was family? What if it was some hard-core fascists? I don't really
know what I thought in that moment, but after listening for a few
minutes, we went through the entrance, and read all the plaques and
things that were hanging on the wall. After we decided that the ppl
downstairs must have been cleaning people or something of the sort,
we thought it would be best to wait a few minutes. Finally...
finally the voices went away, and apparently the people had left. We
went down the stairs into a little room. Inside, there were (don't
quote me on this, because I don't remember the exact number) three
sarcophaguses, pictures of Mussolini's family, candles, flowers, all
your normal cemetery things. Then, I turned around, and just burst
out laughing. At the head of the room, in a tiny chamber, not only
were there flowers and wall hangings, but another sarcophagus with
above a huge shiny bust of Mussolini. I think that had to be the
most ridiculous thing I saw in all of Italy. To think how much so
many people hated him, but that he actually had a huge crypt that
people could visit, and of all things this obnoxious statue! (The
man is still arrogant even after death ;) )
Then after my little outburst, I noticed that there were a couple
of old men there.. speaking in dialect of course, paying their
respects to Mussolini. I felt a little bad about laughing, but what
could I say... it was Mussolini's head on a shelf.
So, I waited for the men to leave, and then finally got up the
nerve to take a picture of it. I didn't know if it would turn out,
but it did. Of course the picture doesn't do it justice, you just
have to see it. It was really weird being there, knowing that the
majority of people never go and see something like his tomb. Most
Italians, I think, don't even know that that's where he is "buried."
But I had a pretty unique experience, and even signed the guestbook
down in the basement.
I would recommend to anyone: Fascist, Communist, Republican (yes,
even Democrats ;) ) that if there were ever in that area (Bologna,
Forli', Rimini, Ravenna, etc.) to go and see the crypt. While it may
not be as impressive as the Colosseum, or as beautiful of the Duomo
of Milan or Florence, it is pretty neat in its own way. After all
how many people can say that they went to see the tomb of one of the
powers of Europe of WWII (after all Hitler doesn't have one now does
he?).
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4. Starship Troopers
written by Leandro, based on what was said as Betty, Colin,
Bennett, Peter and myself walked from the movie theather to a coffee
shop.
The first thing that comes to mind when watching movies that include
space travel, is that our solar system must be an anomaly. Just
about every other planet in every other solar system happens to be M
Class and have perfect conditions for humans to live in. I am glad
to see that at least in Starship Troopers guns, booze and sex still
have some appeal (unlike those weirdos from Star Trek... which
brings me to the question, do Star Trek people ever go to the
washroom? I wonder if their waste products are transported directly
from their guts...).
Welcome to a government that rules (apparentely) the entire world.
It is a fascist government who belives that only those that serve or
work for the armed forces deserve to become citizens. Being a
citizen is a lot better then being a civilian, since you can take
advantage of many more privilidges (such as receiving a permit for
having a baby).
Johnny ("what do you mean bugs don't bite?") Rico decides,
together with a bunch of his friends, to join the forces. Although
many of them have noble reasons, Jhonny ("what do you mean bugs
don't bite?") Rico decides to join just so that he could be with his
girlfriend Carmen.
As the story evolves through broken hearts, blown off heads, and
other events (sorry, too much happens in such little time during the
whole movie that you have to watch it =), a meteorite crashes in
Buenos Aires killing several millions. The asteorid comes from the
solar system where the bugs are located, and so a war starts in
order to eliminate them.
Remember those propaganda movies shown during World War II?
Something similar appears here although this time the media used is
the Internet. You begin to realize after a while that there is an
evil force behind the humans, perhaps even more evil than the threat
of the bugs themselves. What better way to control the planet from
over population? Send them in suicide missions against hordes of
bugs. How can alien bugs have send a twirling asteroid against Earth
on purpose? It was just an excuse to start a war, mobilize units,
improving the economy with the war production.
And in part, I guess, humans always need a scapegoat to attack in
the end to blame their problems and to feel united towards a common
cause.
There were some scenes that you can swear you've seen in other
movies:
Indepence Day: the Sky Marshal gives a speech very much like the one
given by the president of the USA right before they attack their
version of the aliens.
Aliens: Jhonny ("what do you mean bugs don't bite?") Rico is
immobilized by the giant spike-like apparatus at the front of the
bug and pulls out a shotgun and starts blasting the bugs just like
in Aliens.
Terminator 2: Jhonny ("what do you mean bugs don't bite?") Rico has
just saved his ex-girlfriend Carmen from having her brains sucked by
the Brain-bug, when one of the soldiers gets slashed. They give him
the nuclear bomb, and while they run he is holding on to it and
blasting the bugs away. You can imagen the rest.
Star Trek: Not only for the warping of the starship, but that every
planet in the galaxy is an enviromentally friendly M Class planet.
Accidentally the bugs do not speak English (well, they are bugs
after all).
Star Wars: Although Jhonny ("what do you mean bugs don't bite?")
Rico is tested in the beginning of the story to see if he has any
sort of ESP, his results are negative. Yet when he is underground to
find the Brain-bug, he "senses" that Carmen is alive and down a
different tunnel. "Use the force Luke.. I mean, Jhonny!"
I must say I enjoyed the movie. I liked the way things were done,
with perfectly blended computer effects. The bugs, although vicious,
managed to maintain their "alive" look probably with those vishid
eyes of theirs. Excellent the spaceships, especially the explosion
of one of them and the collision of two other.
A lot of bloody scenes, many of which are very ironic. Everyone in
the theathre clapped and cheered when Jhonny ("what do you mean bugs
don't bite?") Rico's girlfriend broke up with him and his friend
said "Isn't it funny how they first shred you inside, and then still
want to stay friends?"
One word of warning: this is the kind of movie you watch, you go
"cool!" and that's it. Be very afraid that there are people out
there that will shatter your testicles examining the littlest piece
of detail and questioning why things happened the way happened.
Okay, so the Federation only has 4 jets throughout the whole
galaxy. Yes, their tactics were lame. Yes, they could've used more
nukes. Yes, yes yes to a lot of other stuff. Shaddap, it's a friggen
movie, it was better than I thought it was going to be, so just do
yourself a favor: enjoy it.
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5. Articular Properties
by The alarmingly uneventful Adventures of Rik
is your life missing something?
do you long for something different?
do you feel trapped in your current situation?
then do i have a religion for you!
GULLIBALISM
yes indeedy!
for the measely sum of 5 English pounds, i will relieve you of the
burden of ALL your worldly possesions leaving you free to become a
hunter-gatherer in the forests of Wapping. collecting berries and
small rodents for nourishment.
and dont forget, to a woman, theres nothing more attractive than a
naked neanderthal man with more hair than a plug-hole in a shared
student bathroom. you'll be beating them off with a shitty-stick
dammit. youll also receive a membership card but i can imagine where
you'd keep it, well, i can, i just dont want to visualise that sort
of thing, it would put me off my dinner.
THE BIG FIGHT OF THE FORTNIGHT
this fortnights big fight
Arnold the badger
Vs
Nige the biro
who do YOU think will win?
bear in mind, the badger, though vicious when angry, can be quite
timid usually, also, dont under-estimate the ear picking qualities
of a biro.
last fortnights fight
last fortnights fight was surprisingly won by the shrimp who was
getting trounced but made a marvelous come back when he managed to
get hold of a chair and repeatedly battered the manhole cover to
bits. how he managed it is beyond me, i'd popped to the toilet and
missed the end.
Send your comments to: Rik <Rich.h@btinternet.com> or visit
http://www.btinternet.com/~weird.stuff1/Rik1.htm.
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Magazin pre tych, ktori sa nechcu dat politicky zorientovat!