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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume II, Issue 38, Year AD MCMXCVII Monday, October 13th, 1997 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- After several interviews with different ovines, CoN scientists have finally arrived to the shattering conclusion that the sound of a goat is not "baah". According to sources, goats go "maah" while lambs go "baah". Although several lawsuits are still in the process of being resolved by both sides on the rights of the "baah" sound, there are apparently no problems for public domain use. ------------------------------------------- Sometimes I think about becoming a serial killer. I like to think about how many I could get away with, and what my MO would be. A friend of mine suggested being the 'Toucan Son-of-Sam'. He said you could gut your victims, fill them with Froot Loops, and send notes to the police saying to 'follow your nose'. ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. Cereal Killer: The Dog-Eat-Dog World of Cereal Mascots 3. not to trust is better 4. Reasons Why Your Personal Website Bites 5. Arranged marriages ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: The Cycles Page To better help you keep track of your menstrual cycle http://www.io.com/~brenda/cycles/ ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial Welcome to Issue 38 of Capital of Nasty. I have been playing Jedi Knight for the past few days now, after I bought it early Thursday morning. I know it's only a computer game, but I was really fascinated by the quality of the graphics and the playability, that Quake looks boring in comparison. To top it all, I've also been quite busy with work and doctors, so my apologies, this issue suffered a bit from it. Back in Issue 36 we had that female reader, Bronwyn Mitchell, who wrote a complaint about "something". To this day, I still don't know what she was complaining about, in fact I had posted the message in the editorial asking readers just what the heck she was shrieking about. I thought that was the last I was going to hear from her. Instead, I go check my mailbox yesterday and this is what I find Date sent: Sat, 11 Oct 1997 13:44:18 -0700 (PDT) To: con@capnasty.org From: Bronwyn Mitchell Subject: you the man Dear cap nasty I love your magazine but you should put more things in about comic books and that stuff. keep it up What gives? Anyway, here at CoN, we are thinking of setting up a comix section. Not an article section where we discuss comic book heroes, or if Superman is gay or Batman and Robin homosexuals while the Incredible Hulk goes around showing his penis envy all green of jealousy. Instead we will have an official CoN comix strips, called the "Thursday@CoNmix" where we'll display rather unusual cartoons. We will announce it to our readership as soon as it will be online. Talking about comics, I'd like to make a comment about Dilbert. Before I started working in this office, I never really understood the humour behind it. In fact I would read them and wonder if I had left my sense of humour by my bed, next to the dentures. That was until I started working part-time at a certain company. I began to see strange patterns develop in the everyday life at the office and found them strange. The strangest thing of them all was seeing them reproduced in Dilbert's comic strip. At first I was laughing, since I could finally catch the dark humour. Now I scream in fear. Just as an example, the other day my phone was removed. Apparently it is against company policy to have a phone if you don't need one for work. Management even had a meeting over why I had a phone. When I asked why my phone had been removed, I was lead in many different directions, but never told the true reason. I hope they don't take my chair away now since I stole this from the "chair cemetery", a huge pile of chairs stashed at the very back of our large room, and they might realize that is not company policy for me to have wheels on my chair since I don't need to wheel myself around. Another girl I work with was more fortunate than I. Instead of taking her phone away, they reduced the cord of a few feet, so now the phone is further away from her. She was told that this was had been done because they liked the phone there better. The truth was that because she forgot to make one change on some work, they decided that it happened since "she spends too much time on the phone." Two and a half feet less of phone cord will now solve the problem and increase the overall productivity. Brilliant, huh? If you think their logic is a little faulty, I can only say it's improving. For a good year and a half, they had an half ass monkey up in marketing screwing us over and making us lose a ton of money. The funny part was that everyone in management knew, but never did anything about it since "he was cheap." Oh, and he had a phone. You can visit Dilbert at United Media's homepage at: http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/. I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving although we should always be grateful of what we have. Please don't reply with one of those messages stating you don't believe in God and therefore you have nothing to celebrate nor thank. Be grateful you still have your phone, chair, and people around you that have done something special for you. I'll leave you with the last message I got from freak- woman. Have a great one. Date sent: Sun, 12 Oct 1997 12:42:44 -0700 (PDT) To: leandro@capnasty.org From: Bronwyn Mitchell Subject: Leandro when are we going to get your next issue off cap nasty magazine I'm dying to read it here. ------------------------------------------- 2. Cereal Killer: The Dog-Eat-Dog World of Cereal Mascots by Jason MacIsaac It's not easy being a star, now matter how little, or how big. The price of fame must be paid if you're an A-list actor, or a cereal mascot. The Trix Rabbit: The Trix Rabbit has seen his share of scandal. The recent arrest of a notorious Hollywood madam and the subsequent publishing of her "Little Black Book" in a national tabloid has lead to many lawsuits for defamation of character. These lawsuits and public opinion turned against the Rabbit when he was caught speeding in his Mercedes with prostitute Divine Brown and six kilos of cocaine. Hack comedians have had a field day with the Trix Rabbit, his line "Silly Rabbit, tricks are for johns" being the punchline of many vicious jokes. Count Chocula: Count Chocula is known as the "Martha Stewart" of the cereal world, a ruthlessly rich and miserly man. Having virtually destroyed his business partners Frankenberry, the Booberry Ghost and the Fruity-Yummy-Mummy, Count Chocula no longer makes public appearances, but continues to run his enterprise from his mansion in Bel-Air. Children's Aid societies have attempted to get him to close down his third-world sweatshops where 5 year old children smear congealing chocolate milk on rice bits thirteen hours a day for 5 cents an hour, but without success. Frankenberry, Booberry Ghost, and Fruity-Yummy- Mummy have written a best-selling, tell-all book entitled Count Chocula: He is a Bloodsucker After All. Toucan Sam (Froot Loops): For years a member of an endangered species, Toucan Sam used his celebrity status to promote the protection of such species. However, he fell in with more and more radical causes, starting with Greenpeace. He soon dismissed their "conservative" techniques and turned to the terrorist organization ALA (Animal Liberation Army). In 1994, their headquarters in Boulder, Colorado was raided by Federal Agents. Police recovered automatic weapons and explosives, and found further evidence implicating Toucan Sam, the Camel Cigarettes camel Joe, and Smokey the Bear. Sam was released on parole, but during a routine police stop in Beverly Hills, a firearm was found in his car. He was sentenced to five years in prison, but was released after serving two years. Sam converted to Scientology soon after, and can now be seen conducting personality tests in the Dianetics headquarters in New York, in between commercials. Snap, Crackle and Pop (Rice Krispies): Though happy and lively in public, in secret the trio hated working with each other. Snap and Crackle were both homosexuals, and had a stormy off and on relationship. Pop, meanwhile, was a virulent homophobe, and concluded that he was carrying the trio. A brief solo career went nowhere, as Pop and David Caruso appeared in a TV series that was both a critical and Nielson's failure. Pop returned to his more successful career, but the on set bickering became more intense. Crackle had been seeing Tony the Tiger on the side, sending Snap into a jealous rage, trashing Crackle's wardrobe and purposely driving his Lambourgini into a tree. Pop meanwhile insisted that he was the real star of the group, and demanded more money. He didn't get it, but managed to secure contract stipulations such as never sharing a wardrobe or changing rooms, and not having to attend rehearsals, only showing up to the day of taping. Their uneasy partnership continues. Lucky (Lucky Charms): Lucky came under investigation when the British Army raided a Northern Ireland apartment, where several known members of the Irish Republican Army had been hiding. Lucky's name was found in several IRA documents. When the Army produced evidence that Lucky had been diverting money to the IRA, Lucky agreed to act as informant in order to bargain his way into a suspended sentence. Though the Seinn Fenn denies it, it is widely believed that Lucky now has a million dollar price on his head for his actions, and never goes anywhere without six bodyguards. He is driven to the set of his commercials in a bulletproof limousine. Sugar Bear (Sugar Crisp): In secret, Sugar Bear battled a long- time substance abuse problem. His doctors expressed their first concerns when they discovered Sugar Bear was scooping "the other kind of sugar" on his crispy, tasty, honey-coated puffs of wheat. When it was learned that he was freebasing sugar crisp, he was ordered by his agent to take time off to clean up. He seemed to comply, but two months into his sabbatical, he was admitted to L.A. County hospital for 3rd degree burns to 60% of his body. He had been drinking heavily, accidentally spilling vodka all over himself. He then attempted to freebase, igniting his clothes. He underwent reconstructive facial surgery and was ordered by a judge to enter rehab. He continues his battle with the addiction. The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bakers: Corporate cutbacks at General Mills made it necessary to reduce headcount, so two of the three bakers were laid off. The first could not take the rejection, and died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound two months later, alone and unemployed. Drugs and alcohol were a factor. The youngest of the crowd left show business entirely, went back to school and received a degree in business. He now has a successful career selling Saturns at a dealership in California. The remaining baker, the plump balding one, could not handle the workload created by the absence of two people. He was admitted to the Betty Ford clinic for addiction to uppers and painkillers after suffering a nervous breakdown. He was fired soon afterwards, but sued for wrongful dismissal. Lawyers for General Mills and the baker quietly settled out of court. The baker was presented with an undisclosed severance payment. The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee: Seemingly leading a life of luxury and happiness, the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee stunned the world when during the filming of a commercial, he was beaten to the taste of Nuts n' Honey for the umpteenth time, and went on a murderous rampage. He picked up a .45 and began shooting. Two cameramen were killed, and so was the co-star of the commercial, who had beaten the Bee to the taste of Nuts n' Honey on a pair of in-line skates, while the Bee accidentally ran into the back of a garbage truck. Police sharpshooters eventually shot and killed the Bee, but not before four were dead and two were wounded. Survivors reported that the Bee sang "It's that fucking taste of honey, with a crunch that's goddamn nutty...It's a bitch of an O..." throughout the 50 minute ordeal. ------------------------------------------- 3. ... not to trust is better by Peter Fung It was only last week when my girlfriend and I were walking home when somebody I recognized came up to us and asked me if he could borrow some money so he could get a taxi so he can see his girlfriend's grandmother who was rushed to the hospital earlier. (so he says) I remembered this individual from my days at grade school. I was contemplating the request at which he said he would return the money tomorrow. I gave him the money, $20 and that night I really pondered hard at what I did. Was his story a load of crock or true? Unfortunately to my dismay, it was the latter. The next day when I was out getting my computer serviced with my girlfriend and her brother Ben. I called home to relay a message from my sister who called, my mom mentioned some unkempt individual arrived at our door, looking for me and asking to borrow money from her. At this, I was not very amused. I was f**king pissed! This acquaintance neither returned the money or gave any explanation and had the nerve to ask my mother for money. Who the hell is he? After hanging up, my girlfriend knew something was wrong, from my expression I had. I wanted to beat the hell out of this guy! I eventually cooled down at dinner with her aunt, which made me forget about my troubles. Afterwards, I returned home at received a phone call from him. I was just fortunately he didn't arrive in person, I would have kicked his ass. He told me he arrived at my house and did not say anything about trying to borrow money from my mom. He then gave a story about getting his check now, at 11:30pm and needing money to get a taxi and getting it cashed. I told him he would not receive anymore money or help from me and not to call me. He then wanted to come over and talk about it which I refused for his own safety, because I would beat the living f**king sh*t out of him, if he did. At this point, my thoughts went to where my brother put part of a pool cue (the larger end) just in case he didn't listen. At this point I slammed receiver on him and thought myself a fool in trusting someone I knew. I asked my girlfriend who was over and heard the entire conversation, if I am too trusting or just a fool. She just came over and held me, which I needed very badly a this point. Why do people lie? Especially the ones you know. If they needed money why don't they just ask for it? Why lie about returning it when they don't? I learned the hard way that you can't really trust anybody except those you care dearly about. Now I am hardened and less forgiving to those who lie and less generous to the homeless due to one person's act of dishonesty. This doesn't mean I wouldn't give a good friend a couple bucks. I just have to be on my guard more than usual. ------------------------------------------- 4. Reasons Why Your Personal Website Bites by Rob Glass Hello children of the cheese. We get alot of mail here at the Cheese Factory from people who have websites that ask "Why don't people visit my website?" Well it's time to be brutally frank and run down the list of why some people's personal websites bite, and some tips on how to make them better. 1 Don't Put Pictures Of Your Personal Belongings On Your Website- Why is it that everytime I visit somebody's website they have some silly little line such as.. "Hi my name is nick, and I drive a van. Click here if you would like to see a picture of my van." No one wants to see a stupid picture of your '77 chevy love machine. Oh and howabout..." I have a cat named Dooky. Click here to see a picture of dooky." Uhhhhh do you think there are people whose lives are sad enough to seek comfort in a friggen picture of your cat? Please people remember, if your going to put pictures on your website make sure they're pictures of semi nude models or fights in bars. That's what the kids want to see! 2 Don't Use Your Name For The Title Of Your Website With The Word Fun Attached- If your going to name your website please refrain from using titles such as "Mike's Fun Website." People don't give a rat's pooper what Mike finds fun. A title for a website should try to draw the viewer in or at least mislead them! A cool title for a website would be "Crazy Nate's House Of Girls And Farm Animals." Even if the site doesn't contain any of that stuff at least you have the person stuck in your site. You can worry about explaining the title later. 3 People Don't Need To Know You Too Well!- Okay I understand if you would like to let people know about you, and who you are, but we have to draw the line somewhere. Don't put..... Mike Thompson Age- 23 35 Linefield Road Medfield Mass (504) 444-4442 Credit Card Number- 4454-323-2323 Social Security Number- 3442-34-3343 Number Of Weeks Spent At A State Hospital- 23 Favorite Movie- Howard The Duck Now the only problem with this one is he admitted he actually liked Howard The Duck. It's okay to put your credit card number online because it shows that you trust people enough to let them use your credit card occasionally to buy stuff... as long as they pay you back of course. We're all honest... right people? 4 Don't Make A Website If Your Just Going To Have A Bunch Of Links To Other Websites- If your going to make a website don't make a site with a bunch of links to other pages... Hi My Name Is Lisa And Here Are My Favorite Places To Visit... Elvis Month! ARCHIVES Why would someone visit a website if they knew that person was just going to show them other websites they like. You don't even know the person why would you care where they like to visit? If your going to have a website at least have a couple of sections with your thoughts on something. 5 If Your Just Going To Have A Site Full Of Links... Just Make Sure The "CHEESE FACTORY OF FUN AND LOVE" Is At The Top Of Your List- At least people will know you have taste. 6 One Picture Of You On Your Website Is Enough- Please refrain from having a site that looks like.... Hi My Name Is Mike. Click here to see a picture of me Mike's Stupid Picture. Click here to see a picture of me in Europe Some More Of Mike's Stupid Pictures. Click here to see a picture of me in my Van And Yet Another Dose Of Mike's Stupid Pictures. One picture of you is enough. Well that's about all for today's lesson. Please feel free to write to me about life or fast cars... Mojorisenn@aol.com This article appears courtesy of Rob Glass and The Cheese Factory http://members.aol.com/VoodooCh1/wywbb.html ------------------------------------------- 5. Arranged marriages by Davinder Sangha Currently, I am twenty-three years old and being the oldest of four siblings my parents have started to hunt down for a son-in-law. Nevertheless, my parents are aware of my views, but insist that they know what's best for me. Although I have lived in Canada all my life and have adopted perhaps a different mentality that they have, I have managed to delay this ongoing process and continue my journey in life the way I want it to be. The term arranged marriage is thought of being an image of two people meeting for the first time, on the day of their wedding night, and they have no choice but to marry the person selected by their parents. Most arranged marriages allow for meetings between the future partners, and are given the a chance to view if the selected person is compatible for them. When parents are selecting a mate for their child, they pay great attention to religion, education background, family background and especially social class. If the future mate does not follow in any of the above categories then he or she is rejected. Being an East Indian woman I disapprove with this concept. Although, individuals are able to meet with their future spouse, the individual cannot be themselves because of the family involvement. Therefore, one has to put on an act for the other party. Personally, I believe that in the past generations arranged marriage worked well because individuals remained together for the sake of family, and if the marriage didn't work the individuals always had the excuse of blaming their parents. Personally I don't think that arranged marriages work anymore, especially when the kids have lived and have been in contact with different views everyday of their life. Fortunately, many "mother- in-laws" that came to see me have found my looks unsatisfying. They don't like the clothes I wear or find my hair to be too short since it goes down only past my shoulders rather than my lower back. Mostly however do not like my independent personality: they want a submissive woman that will obey both husband and mother-in-law without ever complaining. I'm sorry, but I have a personality I don't blame my parents for what they are doing. I know they are doing it because they love me and care about me and want to be sure that I'll be well taken care of once they are gone. I'm sure however that eventually they will come around and accept that sometimes not all traditions can be enforced. Life is a constant change, and after all, this is my life. ------------------------------------------- A survey in USA Today reveals that 65% of people would tell someone if he or she had food stuck in his or her teeth. Seventy four percent said the survey people at USA Today have way, way too much time on their hands.