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' anada "Slowfall?" 18 jan '
' 264 by Michael 2001 '
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�to build a giant castle, and then he�d sign his name.� that castle
dream from that moby song is nearly perfect. oh to have a dream like that.
wouldn�t sign my name though. to accomplish something as such and not take
credit. probably perfection. sick of striving for perfection though
anyway. why? failure imminent or supposed failure. never seem to get
there though, but also never seem to accomplish set goals. always so far
away. �so faraway.� and even when one happens, what then? �i wouldn�t
mind if you took it all away today, i wouldn�t even miss the pain.� would
the failure or accomplishment be apparent? or would newer failures and
accomplishments loom? and �who knows, who cares and who�ll remember
anyway?� other than me of course. and i look around at everyone else.
what struggles do they choose or not choose? are they on or off path.
quite a few seem to have it together. but on the outside so do i, i guess.
no one knows the secrets and lies. or what lies beneath. or any other
movie cliches i could steal. one more: falling down. really bad when your
life can be summed up by a movie title, or a song even. �i need somebody to
shove me.� or �i�m afraid of the dark without you close to me.�
but back to falling down. �the weight of the world on your
shoulders� is tough sometimes. will never be able to share that weight with
anyone. too alone, self-important, independent to let anyone in. �i was
sad enough last saturday. i woke you to talk but i didn�t have much to
say.� so much of not much to say. and yet another interrogative statement.
why? control, i guess. must be in control at all times. easy to keep
accomplishments and failures impending. can control that. probably too
scared of the consequences or new circumstances if either actualized. what
then? world disorder. oh disorder. �she thinks she missed the train to
mars.� keep changing majors to keep order. makes sense, right. �stay in
elementary school as long as you can.� or �go to the room with a chair and
wait for your life.� wait for it to happen. outlook on everything. and
why not wait? forget rushing things. don�t wanna look back and say: �life
goes on even after the thrill of living is gone.� or �i�m tired of being
alive. spite of the bleeding...� but then again don�t want to say: �it�s
strange how we�re selling our time and we wait. we�re all lost in a clever
game running from our lives.�
in dire need of an intervention. funny how when intervention
mentioned, god comes to mind. guess i�d try a divine intervention. never
devout. couldn�t be �the priest in the booth had a photographic memory for
all he had heard. he took all of my sins and wrote a pocket novel called
the state that i am in.� to have or find that extreme faith seems to always
gives hope, ambition, and direction, (at least for a little while) but i
don�t think my direction would be allowed or allotted. as if they have a
short list of directions you can go and that�s it; they seem to semi-control
direction. �oh god stop tearing down my experimental bathroom; it�s the
only thing that�s halfway mine.� i think i�m perfectly unhappy enough
controlling things myself at this time. so, strike one.
in the spring time all the animals thoughts turn to love. �there are
really no words strong enough to describe all my longings for love.� well
animal's thoughts are for more like mating than love, but love sounds so
much better doesn�t it. and more like instincts than thoughts. and again
why? love; man�s creation. excuse for so many things. not just
procreation. well, actually procreation�s not an excuse. biology.
actually too many to go into except the main one. excuse not to be alone.
but as forementioned. to alone to let anyone in so no hope there. strike
two.
and usually three strikes in baseball. but control is in my corner.
and i�m not ready for strike three at this time. because that would
constitute a failure i think. thoughts on that forementioned. �and you
can�t fight the tears that ain�t coming or the moment of truth in your
life.�
creditto:mobysocialdmineralpweisoulasylumbuilttospillhouseofpain
promiseringhumjetstobrazilsunnydaydanzigsdrebellandsebastianjtbscorpionsggd
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` anada264 by Michael (c) 2001 anada e'zine `