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' anada "Jason Discovers the Secret of Happiness" 18 jan '
' 263 by Jason 2001 '
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I have discovered the secret to happiness. Yes, people have spent
their entire lives searching for the key to eternal bliss. Charlatans have
written books on how to be happy. Religious dudes say you'll be happy after
you're dead... if you're good. Politicians claim they can make you happy if
you vote for them. Hollywood makes you feel like a freak if you're not
happy.
The real secret, though, is nefarious in its simplicity. I can sum
up the source of eternal glee in one word. Granted, that one word has an
above average number of syllables (FOUR of them), but it's one that anyone
can remember. It's one that will strike a chord deep inside everyone who
reads it. Everybody knows the word, even the people it applies to.
But before I go into that, let me remind everyone that my birthday is
coming up! That's right, the big 2-7. Egad, age is creeping up on me.
Just in case anybody is in the gift market, though, I could really use a
couple of exercise wheels for my tarantulas, some sharkskin bikini briefs,
and a hot chick of my very own. Everyone else will swelter in the eternal
fires of hell.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the secret of happiness. What is it?
STUPIDITY!
NO, I'm NOT being cynical, either. It's true. The dumber someone
is, the happier they are. Actually, it's not stupidity per se that's the
issue. It's the gleeful willingness to extinguish the flame of cognitive
thought and immerse oneself in a fantasy world of pixie dust and rabbits who
can talk. "Stupidity" is just a much simpler way of saying it. Of course,
if you lack the ability for cognitive thought in the first place, the so
much the better.
Let's face facts, kiddies. The world is a brutal place from top to
bottom, in spite of the hippies who believe in all of that happiness and
light crap, the idealists who actually believe they can make everyone happy,
and the religious people who attribute everything to some divine plan
without one iota of that pesky thing called evidence. Most of these people
are smart enough, but they lock away any part of their brain that says "gee
whiz, maybe the world is a little more complicated than we think." But
then, if they BOTHERED to consider that the world might be a predatory,
random, naturally destructive place, that might infringe upon their
happiness.
People are so silly. They go and immerse themselves in some half-
assed escapist philosophy, drink themselves into a stupor, or take up
hobbies like basket weaving all in an attempt to shut off that quiet nagging
doubt that they don't have all the answers. Heck, even those people who
turn all Goth and claim to embrace all that dark side crap are doing the
same thing, only they're masochists and are making themselves happy in a
backdoor kind of way. God forbid anything should disrupt the happy little
shell of artificial absolute truth that they created around themselves.
That's why I can't help but look at retarded people with a certain
amount of envy. THEY sure seem happy. If anything makes them unhappy, they
forget it pretty quickly. Sure, it sucks to be developmentally impaired,
but isn't that worth trading off for a life of happiness? Would you be
willing to have yourself lobotomized in order to attain a state of bliss for
the rest of your life? Heck, most people do that to themselves by shutting
off their brains. I wish I could. Damn my brain.
The upshot of all this is that I've though of a wonderful new insult.
I can just call someone "happy." I can walk up to someone and say, "You
know, you're the happiest person I know." They'll say something like, "Gee,
thanks," not knowing that I really meant that they were mind-bogglingly
stupid.
And all this is true. If you don't believe it, then I guess you're
just too happy.
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` anada263 by Jason (c) 2001 anada e'zine `