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' anada "Some Things I've Just Never Liked" 13 jan '
' 260 by Phairgirl 2001 '
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I don't like to run around saying that the whole world is a
conspiracy or any of that nonsense. I'm not into talking out of my ass and
sounding like a silly Oliver Stone type that can't get a grasp on reality
and let the past GO. But... you have to wonder sometimes about all of that
conspiracy nonsense that comes and goes, time after time. I do honestly
think that SOME things I've seen and what not can't possibly exist and
happen the way they do because of grand coincidence. Someone's trying to
mess up my life, and yours, too. I'm not sure why -- I'm still trying to
figure that one out myself -- but some of the things we accept as normal,
regular, or simply in that category of "irritating" just aren't right.
I'm not talking about sporadic that-dog-hates-me-and-intentionally-
poops-on-my-lawn-every-day kinda thing. I'm talking about grand schemes
that affect everyone as a whole. They're not really all that big of a deal
when it comes right down to it, but there are some things I've just never
liked.
1. Cassette leader tape and pauses long enough for a whole nother
song: I've always considered leader tape to be the most irritating thing
in the entire known universe, as it has always caused me as a child to have
to try re-taping things a thousand times until I caught the whole song on
the black/brown part of the tape. That always involved taking the tape out
and winding it with your finger. Joy.
But that's not all with this cassette thing. Did you ever notice
that one side of a tape is ALWAYS longer than the other? Sometimes by a
LOT? Hell, sometimes they even printed right on the tape that one side is
longer than the other to "preserve continuity." Yeah, whatever. Not only
does that not make sense or anything, but I don't believe it. It's the
record company's way of making us pay more by including way too much
cassette tape. Find your band and make them record another song, dammit.
2. The Windows start-up screen: I've heard many a time that this
screen stays up longer than it needs to stay up for no reason other than for
Bill Gates to be a prick and to make our computers take even LONGER to boot
up. My computer already takes six years to boot up, and it's only a year
old. I even did that trick where you can supposedly lose the bonus time
that the screen stays up, and I swear it made no difference. What's going
on behind that screen? I'd rather see shit scrolling by and know that my
computer was actually DOING SOMETHING than see the dumb Windows start-up
screen. Note; the start-up screen actually bothered me so much that I
replaced it. Some people do that to be cute and amusing. I did it so that
I didn't throw a hammer through my monitor.
3. Candy like Runts, Skittles, and others that always have to
include a flavor that tastes like a butt and have more of them than any
other flavor: This really pisses me off. After Halloween this year, we
had a lot of extra Bottle Caps candy. I would open 6 packages at a time,
hoping for the elusive Cherry bottle cap. Wouldn't you know it. Each
package has 6 caps, so that's 36 caps total, right? Then WHY would 12 of
them be fucking COLA, and 10 of them be ROOT BEER, 7 of them be GRAPE, 4 of
them be ORANGE and THREE CHERRY? Orange tastes better than grape, and grape
is only somewhat edible, but the others are completely nasty... except for
cherry. Cherry is the only one with any semblance of flavor. And those
bastards gypped me every time. Just like the overabundance of grape
Skittles (and lack of lime and cherry) and the plethora of banana runts (but
where are all the lime and cherry there? We get FOUR? Fuck you, runts).
4. Good radio stations that feel the need to put your most hated
song in heavy rotation: I know for a fact that stations do this just to
piss me off. I live in Iowa. We have about ten radio stations total
(which is a lot more than some of our neighboring towns) and so my options
are limited between country, oldies, soft rock, top 40, big band, talk, and
classic rock. I opt for the classic rock stations so that I don't have to
listen to the Backstreet Boys or Mariah Carey. However, that doesn't
guarantee that I'll be free of my FIVE MOST HATED SONGS OF ALL TIME. Well,
it guarantees me free of "All By Myself," but not of "Katmandu," the second
worst song ever made. And lately, my favorite classic rock station has had
the habit of playing that awful song every time I want to sleep -- and it
wakes me up every morning. Why do they do this to me? If I complained to
them, I bet they'd replace it with "Ramblin' Man," and oh christ... it only
gets worse from here. Why not put more DIRE STRAITS and KISS into rotation
while you're at it? Cuz you know, I just am not COMPLETELY sick of their
music yet.
5. All that sticker tape on CDs and DVDs: Yesterday, I bought The
Big Lebowski on DVD (kick ass). However, in order to get it open, I had to
first unwrap the plastic covering. Then, I had to remove the sticker across
the top of the case with the title on it. Then, I had to remove the sticker
across the SIDE of the case that said "Security Device Enclosed," and THEN
I had to remove ANOTHER sticker across the BOTTOM of the case which said the
same thing that the one on the SIDE did. Only then could I get to my
precious Dude. Bastards. Of course, though, it don't matter to Jesus.
I understand "theft deterrency" and all that good jazz. But come on!
Even in my worst days of shoplifting Back In The Day, sticker tape didn't
stop me. Sure, it slowed me down, but nobody keeps track of how long you're
in the fitting rooms. Someone out there just doesn't want us to watch these
movies or to listen to this music. Do they put theft deterrents like that
on the hits of ANNE MURRAY?? BEETHOVEN?? RICHARD SIMMONS VIDEOS?? Maybe
some, but none so severe as the mangled mess I had to peel away to get to
American Pie. It just isn't right.
6. No COOTIE: This Christmas, all I wanted was the game Cootie. It
was my favorite game when I was about four. It ruled: you roll dice and
according to what you roll, you get to put parts on your cootie. You win
when you have a whole cootie, right? Well for crying out loud, this year
some BASTARDS decided to market ELECTRONIC COOTIE. I'm not going to pretend
that I know what that is or what it does. All I know is that it's
electronic, which means there will be no putting together or taking apart of
bug pieces (unless this is a game designed for budding electrical
engineers). They fucked up Cootie, folks. I didn't get to get Cootie for
Christmas. Why? Because the original game was selling for $7 last year,
but ELECTRONIC COOTIE sells for $30. Those fuckers. They messed up my
Christmas just for an extra few bucks. It's not the same game. It makes
me want to cry. And they only did it when I decided I wanted it.
Also in this vein is Ms. Potato Head, which I DID get for Christmas
this year. Her eyes are stuck together. Mr. Potato Head's eyes used to be
nice and small and swallowable. Not to mention the greatest travesty of all
time, when Fisher Price decided to make Little People BIG. They used to be
all tiny and cute and fit on my fingers, and I would suck on their heads.
All of my Little People had teethmarks on their heads. That's how I could
distinguish they were MINE. Now, fuck, you couldn't get them in your mouth
if you were a kindergarten blowjob queen. (Okay, maybe that was a bit over
the line, but I'm getting really pissed off here.) SCREW CHILD SAFETY. I
don't believe it for a minute. Did I die? No. Sure, one or two kids did,
maybe. Fuck them, it's nature's way of weeding out the weak. Little People
were a lot more fun when they fit inside the mooing barn. What supreme
asshole took this away from the children of today? Who is out to ruin the
children of America? SPEAK UP, MAN, SO I CAN LYNCH YOU.
I don't know what else to say. Someone out there is slowly ruining
my life. They're ruining EVERYONE'S lives. It makes me cry to remember all
of my sharp-edged toys, CDs in longboxes, blank tapes from the early '80s
with no leader tape at all (my dad had them, they do exist), the quick-
booting Apple IIc, and everything else that has since been ruined in this
world. And it's only going to get worse, you do realize this. This is only
the beginning. Tomorrow I'm gonna go buy The Basketball Diaries on DVD and
the package won't fit in the shopping cart. Kids' toys will be the same
size as the kids with no removable parts. You will be able to buy bags of
banana-only Runts. Good radio stations will have FOGHAT weekends.
Sob.
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` anada260 by Phairgirl (c) 2001 anada e'zine `