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. . . . . . . . . . "Christ: His Bid for the Presidency"
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Campaign strategists for both major parties were stunned this week as
Jesus Christ announced His resignation from His post as Savior to over 1
billion Christians in order to make time for a run at the White House.
Sources close to the Son of God say he has not yet decided whether he will
run on the Reform Party ticket or as an independent.
Shortly after the surprise announcement, Republican candidate George
Bush began questioning Christ's experience record, citing that the Messiah
has yet to serve on any celestial government in any function whatsoever
except for a brief stint as a Wyoming state congressman in 1983. Bush also
tempered remarks he had made earlier in the campaign regarding his
acceptance of Jesus as his Lord and Savior.
"Though I have accepted Jesus into my heart, I don't agree with His
economically liberal viewpoint. I want to give hard-working citizens back
their money. I want to tell Washington that Americans are tired of seeing
government grow." {He added that he had "a record."}
But others have come out in support of the man affectionately known
to millions of Americans as "The Lamb of God". The deeply Catholic Ted
Kennedy expressed his approval of Christ's decision within hours of the
official announcement. "I am big man! Big fat naked man!" he told reporters
on Thursday.
Vice President Gore was not available for comment because he was
kidnapped by ninjas.
Questions have been raised by various political analysts in the wake
of Christ's plunge into the election, particularly regarding the character
issue. Christ was convicted of disturbing the peace in 33 B.C. by the Roman
Empire. Perhaps more damaging are photos which have recently surfaced,
dating sometime in the late 70s, showing Jesus holding a giant marijuana bud
in what is presumed to be His basement nursery. The Messiah has repeatedly
declined to comment on the photos, saying that the American people are weary
of negative campaigns.
"And I say unto thee, that if it is in one of you men to casteth
forth the first stone, then verily, cast it indeed," He told reporters at a
campaign stop in Nebraska. "Besides, everybody knows Bush did coke. Go
pick on him."
Perhaps the most damaging component of Christ's image is that He is
still seen by many voters as a liberal. In "The New Testament", written by
political supporters of the Son of God, Jesus proclaims His health care plan
in which every sick American will be brought before Him and healed by His
divine powers of transmutation. This is a step to the left of Clinton's
health policy. Also, Jesus talks funny.
Critics have pointed out that Christ's sudden bid for the presidency
was made only a week after Lucifer, Lord of Darkness and former Austin city
councilman, announced his entrance into the campaign. Christ and Lucifer
have been political adversaries for centuries. Lucifer, who has gone by the
names Beelzebub, Satan, and Barbara Streisand, is running as the Mandatory
HIV-Infusion Party candidate.
The Messiah's entrance into the elections has sparked off several
notable squabbles. Last week, Green Party candidate Ralph Nader made an
appearance on the Larry King Show in which he accused the Kingdom of God, a
non-incorporated quasi-mystical organization which is known to be funding
Jesus' campaign, of violating a variety of national trade laws; the public
backlash against Mr. Nader was overwhelming until a few days later, when he
produced videos of underpaid cherubim working 12-hour days in substandard
conditions at a Kingdom sweatshop producing cheap bric-a-brac angel
figurines. Yahweh, an all-powerful, all-knowing deity who has commanded the
Kingdom since eternity (with only one brief leave of absence when He got
into real-estate and investment banking in the 80s), denied any knowledge of
the sweatshop conditions at until a reporter pointed out that His ability to
know all things made it impossible for him not to have known, at which point
God said he was just kidding and that he had known about the sweatshops all
along, but they weren't really sweatshops, they were something else, good
things, or words to that effect. The next day He ran a full-page
explanatory ad in the New York Times and had the reporter stoned to death.
Christ 2000 campaign manager James Carville told reporters at a
recent press conference that the voters are interested in "true reform and
real progress, not stale leadership from Washington insiders", and that he
hoped to wage an upbeat campaign. Then he shot himself up with an insanely
large amount of crystal meth and began throwing nearby objects at reporters
until he was subdued and ritually beheaded by security. It was really sad.
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. anada 171 by Barrett Brown (c)2000 anada e'zine .
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