💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ezines › textfiles › ezines › ANADA › anada16… captured on 2021-12-03 at 14:04:38.
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. . . . . . . . . . "Meet Jason D. Steele"
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . by Jason
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As anyone who knows me would undoubtedly tell you, I'm constantly
scheming to reign as supreme dictator of the North American Economic Bloc.
Sure, they think it's the delusional ravings of a madman who cracked his
skull when he was four, but I say it's destiny. Won't they be surprised
when I take control and use my near omnipotence to send them a jeering form
letter on my own letterhead. "Dear Dumbass," it will begin. I'll let my
speechwriters fill in the middle. I'll sign it, "Yours Truly, Jason H.
Hall, the Supreme Dictator of the North American Economic Bloc".
The problem is my name. I figure that if I'm going to rise to
dizzying heights of power and have an entire chapter devoted to me in the
history books, I'm going to need a much cooler name. It's not my first name
that's the problem. Jason is a perfectly cool name, used with Jason and the
Argonauts and such. Besides, we need a famous person named Jason.
It's my last name. "Hall." Doesn't exactly fill one with awe, does
it? The real problem, though, is the fact that it doesn't lend itself
readily to the names of monuments. Can you picture "The Hall Memorial?"
"Hall Boulevard?" What will name the buildings universities build in my
honor be? "Hall Hall?" No, I don't think so.
It's actually really hard to come up with a new name. It has to be
cool and unique without being lame. Anything with two O's is right out,
like Hoover and Roosevelt. That just sounds weak. It can't be too common,
and it also can't be taken by some other notable figure, like Jefferson or
Wilson, or Dahmer. The name has to also portray strength without sounding
overpowering. I considered the name "Power" or "Strong", but those seemed a
little too obvious.
I decided to borrow the strategy of that hero of the people, Josef
Stalin. After all, his name means "Man of Steel." Therefore, when I'm
dictator, my last name will be "Steele." I haven't decided if I'm going to
slaughter 30 million of my own people through forced labor or mass
executions like Stalin did. I guess I'll work that out in committee.
Yep, my new name will be Jason D. Steele. I think that works.
People will associate me with one of the most versatile and strongest metals
around. People will say, "What's this septic tank made of?", the guy will
answer, "Steel," and they'll both think of me. I'll also decree that the
Pittsburgh Steelers will win every Superbowl as long as I am in power. It's
all about product placement.
"But wait," you ask, "there's a 'D' in there, too! What's the 'D'
stand for?"
Danger is my middle name.
Supreme dictatorial power, AND a sense of humor! What more could you
ask from an autocrat?
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. anada 169 by Jason (c)2000 anada e'zine .
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