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. . . . . . . . . . "Jason on Religion"
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . by Jason
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God hates us.
Oh what, a simple statement of truth based on BIBLICAL REVELATION
isn't good enough for you? You want REASONS? Well fine.
Reason 1: Tooth Nerves. When the hell do you EVER use the nerves in
your teeth? What purpose can they possibly serve? How do they make our
lives better? The only thing they do is hurt like a bitch when your teeth
rot, something that wouldn't happen if our teeth were made out of stainless
steel. God hates us.
Reason 2: The Appendix. This is an organ whose sole purpose is to
kill you, slowly and painfully. God hates us.
Reason 3: Lawyers. When the Egyptians pissed God off, they got off
easy. All they got was the Nile turning to blood, frogs, flies, disease,
hailstones, and the deaths of all first borns (granted that would suck for
me, but I'm talking generalizations here). WE get plagued with LAWYERS!
And what did we do to deserve it? At least give us a hint! God hates us.
Reason 4: Politicians. Worse than lawyers. God hates us.
Reason 5: Everything that makes you feel good kills you. EVERYTHING!
Fatty foods, sex, jumping off of buildings, whatever! If it tastes good,
looks good, smells good, sounds good, or feels good, you're dead.
And the coup de grace for proof that God has it in for us: His most
ardent adherents are some of the most dangerous and/or irritating people on
the whole planet! Gunslinging Christians, suicide bomber muslims, Jehovah's
Witnesses, Pat Roberts, ALL A BUNCH OF LUNATICS! Granted, this represents a
small minority of the total number of religious people, but doesn't it seem
to be a bit odd that two people can read the exact same words a draw
radically different conclusions? Take all of the sects in Christianity, for
example. Catholics and Protestants often don't get along even today, and
Protestants fight among each other about who's right, even if they belong to
the same damn sect! Basically we have scores of religions that claim that
if you don't belong to that particular religion, you are doomed to the fires
of Hell or whatever.
So where does that leave a big-picture painfully logical person like
myself? Well, call me a hell-bound heathen, but I'll take my chances with
remaining non-commital until a burning bush talks to me AND I prove to be
sane.
I used to consider myself a mainstream Christian, back when I was
young and stupid. THEN I went to Grove City College, a bastion of rabid
conservatism with a mindset generally stuck in the 1800's (just like their
computer facilities). That's when I learned what it REALLY meant to be a
Christian, according to them anyway. A REAL Christian doesn't DARE think
about what the Bible says, but faithfully shuts off his/her brain and
repeats the words of whatever person they've decided to allow interpret
Scripture for them. Their complete lack of cranial activity makes them
immune to the gaping holes in their logic, even when you draw them a
picture, so to speak. If it's in the Bible, then by golly, it must be true,
even if it's not in the Bible and that's just some weirdo's interpretation.
Of course, their claims of spiritual purity rarely spill over into the
conduct of their personal lives. Jerks. Morons. Losers. Pinheads. No,
I'm not bitter. Idiots.
Then there are those New Age religions, which are often worse. Hey,
if I want to base my life off an LSD-induced hallucination, I'll eat the
shrooms myself, OK? I'm not gonna trust some hack science fiction writer or
a failed rock star to tell me what's what!
So after one year of putting up with their constant conversion
attempts, I washed my hands or organized religion forever, and religion in
general soon after that. Sure, I'll bet my left nut that there's a hell of
a lot more out there than we can see and touch. I lived in a haunted house
for about 10 years so I know THAT much is real, and the universe got here
SOMEHOW. But, the diversity of "believe in this or you'll go to Hell"
doctrines tends to make me believe that NOBODY has a clue and anybody who
says that they do is just pissing in the wind.
Judaism is my favorite religion, though. They mind their own
business, I've never been afraid of getting shot or blown up by a Jew, and I
may be working for one someday so I'll be nice. It's my favorite besides
the Church of the SubGenius, that is.
I am not anti-religious, far from it. Religion is often the glue
that holds communities together, no matter what form it takes, and may
occasionally even affect people's behavior in a positive way. I would
therefore never try to convince anyone to drop their beliefs or faith,
'cause it ain't easy living without any faith in anything. So, uh, I guess
that if your religious convictions are shaky you shouldn't have read this.
It's those intolerant MORONS who can't stand it when people think or do
things just a LITTLE different from them that piss me off, whether they're
religious, fashion slaves, or whatever.
That reminds me: While I was in Grove City, my then-girlfriend-
turned-evil-backstabbing-'ho (but that's a different story) had to do some
stupid paper on some religious topic. She found some of the writings of
John Calvin, that famous misanthropist contemporary of Martin Luther who, I
believe, laid the groundwork for Presbyterianism (or however the hell you
spell that damn word). He wrote stuff like how God abhors us and looks on
us like a hideous insect dangling over a fire that HE holds and could drop
us at any second. ANYWAY, what she found is that ol' Johnny boy said that
sex is bad (typical), but that sex to have children was WORSE because it
furthered the human filth upon the Earth! Now if THAT isn't a radical
departure from most religions, I don't know what is. I think that guy had
certain "issues" he had never quite worked out.
God hates us.
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. anada 146 by Jason (c)2000 anada e'zine .
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