💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ebooks › bofh › bofh › lastbofh.txt captured on 2021-12-03 at 14:04:38.
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TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll
TThhee LLaasstt BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll
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I get back from Britian and return to my old stomping grounds to take up
a post as an Analyst/Programmer... As an A/P I'm expected to work weird
hours so I start putting in some 9 to 5 shifts to see what it's like.
It's weird all right. I don't like it.
I go to the computer room to check out my machine, only I'm not the
Operator any more, so I've got no access. I call the Operator. He
answers.
Bad sign.
"Can I get access to the Computer Room?" I ask, respectfully
"Well..." he pauses ".. what do you want to do?"
Indecisive. It gets worse! He should've come straight out and said that
the day a user gets access to HIS computer room is the day he'll be
crated up and freighted to the big Computer Room in the sky to meet the
Chief Operator!
"Just look at my machines" I say..
"Um, well, we're not supposed to let programmers in here unless it's an
emergency" he blubs.
Dear oh dear. It's almost as if he's apologising! I can't take any more
of it so I just wander off. He calls after me in apology and it turns my
stomach. Watching something you've carefully built up with neglect and
mindless acts of violence just crumble away in front of your eyes!
I can't let it end this way! There must be something I can do...
I go back to my room and open the sealed envelope that I was saving for
my retirement nest-egg.
I shuffle through the signed bits of paper, photographs and dictaphone
tapes till I find what I want. The photo's a bit faded and blurred, but
the people in the picture can still be made out. I get on the phone.
"HELLO?". The Big Boss himself answers
"Hi there, Simon from the Computer Centre. I think I found something of
yours"
"WHAT?"
"A photo. One in a series of 24"
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! I'M A BUSY MAN - DON'T WASTE MY TIME!"
"Well, it's a photo of you, a couple of female friends, and something
that looks like it has some agricultural purpose"
"oh..." ... ___ ... "...yes, I was wondering where that got to. If you
could just drop it in an envelope and send it to me personally..."
"*I* *think* *not*..."
"Well, it's obviously a fake. Where would you get such a thing?"
"Your office. You left the door open one night"
"That's ridiculous, my door's electronically locked every night"
"By computer?.."
"Oh! .... What do you want?"
"The New Operators"
"Ok, I'll have them fired.."
"NO! Then you'll get some more and they'll be just as bad!"
"Then what do you want?"
"TO TRAIN THEM!"
. . . . . . . .
. . . . .
. .
A couple of days later the training session begins. Unfortunately, I
only get one operator to train as the other one resigned when he heard I
wanted to talk to him. Still one's better than none.
We start from the very beginning..
"Ok, let's just go into this. How do you feel about users?"
"They're ok, I suppose" he answers
"OK?"
"Well, they can be a pain at times"
"at times?"
"Well, a lot of the time?"
"A lot?"
"OK, ALL THE TIME! I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM! ALWAYS RINGING ME UP
WANTING TO GET MORE DISK OR CONNECT TIME, WHINING AT ME IN THEIR
PATHETIC VOICES, COMPLAINING ABOUT RESPONSE TIME. I HATE THEM!"
"Right. There. You see, you did know the answer after all. Second
question, What do we do for users?"
"What they want?"
"No"
"What we think they want?"
"No"
"What WE want?"
"No"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
"I see. Well, the answer is, we do nothing *FOR* users. We do things