💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ebooks › bofh › bofh › genesis2.txt captured on 2021-12-03 at 14:04:38.
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TThhee BBiirrtthh ooff BBOOFFHH -- SSttrriippeedd IIrrrreegguullaarr BBuucckkeett ##55
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I'm still bored.
But at least now the radio's off, it was on it's 12 repeat of "Wildfire"
THIS WEEK, and it's only Tuesday; shit I hate that.
So anyway, I quicklime the engineer to remove any fingerprints and then
FedEx him back to headquarters and set about waiting for the new
engineer.
Now the second engineer only has to come out after another 4 hours,
there's no death of engineer penalty clause, (but I'm thinking about
asking for one) so I've got to fill in some time. This guy's going to be
a technical engineer, the sort that comes in with a raggedy tie where he
got it caught in the drum printer at 3000 rpm a couple of years ago, and
he'll have the grazes on the face that indicate that he didn't get the
gate open in time...
I know those sorts...
So I fill in a couple of hours by killing users off and deleting their
files, then waiting for them to call...
"Um, I can't find my files" the wimpering simp on the phone says
"Files? What files?"
"The files in my account. My thesis, my research - all gone!"
"Gone ay? What's your username?"
"TURGEN"
"TROJAN?! LIKE THE CONDOM?"
"No TURGEN. T-U-R"
"OH Turgen, like TURD, but with a GEN instead of a D... Ok lets see" I
make vague clicking noises my dragging the quicklimed man's fingers back
and forth across the keypad. "Uh-huh" >drag drag< "Yeah.." >dragedy
poke< "AH! - You haven't got any files"
"I KNOW!"
"Well, what are you calling ME for? We don't make the files you know, we
just look after them. And chopitty-chop too, your thesis looks like it's
due in a couple of days.."
I hang up - he'll call back. Meantime I open up a copy of "VMS BASTARD
OPERATORS MANUAL FROM HELL" I'm reading the article I sent in about
getting rid of those trouble users...
"... Modify the user's password minimum from 6 to 32 letters,
give the password a 1 day lifetime, set it so that they HAVE
to use the password generate utility when they change their
password (so their password will always be something that
looks like vaguely pronouncable line-noise), add a secondary
password with the same as the above, then redefine their CLI
tables so that the only command that works is DELETE, and all
other commands point to it."
Beautiful.... Shit I'm good!
He calls back.
"MY FILES ARE GONE!" he screams, panicking.
"Did you have a backup?" I ask, as sweet as pie
"But that's what you people are supposed to do!" he sobs
"Yeah, well we did - but then we switched to those 8mm tapes, and
they're the same size as the ones in my video camera, so I've been using
them to tape the neighbour's sex romps..."
I hear the revolver go off, but what the hell, it's 5pm, and not my
problem...
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