💾 Archived View for moldgold222.flounder.online › journal.gmi captured on 2021-12-03 at 14:04:38. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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therapist told me to do what my friends have been telling me to do for years haha. I love gillian
got my 3rd covid shot last night. feel really bad today (achey, nauseous) but made myself go on a long walk with beck. Best vicarious feeling from watching him stomp through thick piles of leaves.
I'm about 1/3 way through Oil! by Upton Sinclair. it's been a fun read so far. waiting for it to get more critical & probably sad, but right now I'm rooting for Bunny.
I have therapy tonight. not sure what I wanna talk about yet. my therapist isn't very prodding, wants me to lead the sessions. I really vibe and always find that there's plenty to talk about, but I get nervous beforehand. I'm in the botanical garden climatron rn. setting up here to do some reading & write a little. it's warm and healthy in here.
life updates; I'm searching for a new job. looking for more mutual aid to get involved with. mixing a new album but having a hard time knowing what direction to go with it. i thought it was going to be more electronic but it might just be totally acoustic.
I have a great therapist. we work a lot on focusing feelings. dream analysis also.
des moines is running out of clean water due to the govt allowing years of allowing massive pig shit and fertilizer from nearby factory farms runoff into every local body of water, and Water Works is considering drilling wells. (unheard of for a city). the water wars may be beginning sooner than expected.
rowen doesn't know the lyrics to the national anthem, hot
sad I can't see the full moon
miss my full moon friends tonight
done being emo, finally feeling very grounded today! wahoo!
I got the morning off because 2 of the folks I was supposed to job coach called in! cleaned my apt, made lunch, recorded a little music, repotted my aloe, played with my cat. the weather is nice so windows are open. I went to my friend adam's camp site last night & i still smell like smoke. it was really good to catch up & reconnect. I feel like I've been a bad friend to a lot of people the past few months because I've been distant, but I'm making myself make more plans with people (outdoors or masked) now that I and most of my social circle have been fully vacc'd. I do miss my friends.
I drifted in and out of sleep this morning to the sound of an animal screaming. on the third bout of screams I fully woke up and realized it was outside my apartment window. I looked out and saw the local large orange tomcat playing too rough with a baby bunny. I'm not sure if the cat had been screaming or the rabbit but I ended up going outside and scooping him up away from the cat, deciding to bring him inside. on the stairs up to my apartment I noticed the smell of blood & saw that all of the fur and some skin had been torn from his hind legs. he's in my bathtub now wrapped in a towel with a little tinfoil dish of water and some grass and spinach. i have the spaceheater running to keep the bathroom cozy too. I think he will die, but if he doesn't I'll let him back out when his legs scab over in a couple days. I don't know if I'm prepared for him to die, but I don't want him to end up tortured to death. (the alley cat is well fed and belongs to someone too) I considered cleaning his cut, but I don't want to make anything worse for him.
He passed away. probably from shock. I got a better look at his injuries & he had been pretty deeply ripped into. I decided not to bury him in case another animal could use him, so I left his body under a tree in the field behind my apt.
I had 2 beers with my friend tonight in their apartment and feel sick. maybe it's time to cut out alcohol for good.
I ran every day of March except 5 of them. trying the same with April. on course to be very sleepy tomorrow morning though.
work is still great. I'm falling behind on home chores but doing a great job at making time for music and art. there is no way to have it all. going to start keeping a cry log because I read Neal Fridd's a while back & just remembered it was really interesting
learning about the stock market through mtg.
I bought a bike today. it's a cute old green vista. one-speed but it will be good for my commute. I'm keeping it inside so this one doesn't get stolen. I had a really nice weekend with idi. planted a bunch of seeds in boxes in my apt. finishing up a submission for the monitor tonight & recording some cello for my friend n's music. made curry and took a very tiny nap earlier. life has been slow but good lately. working on making friends with my coworkers so I feel less lonely. I haven't been good about keeping in touch with friends digitally (local and long distance). it feels really hard to make myself text back even though I love & care about a lot of people I'm ignoring. want to do better though
just found out the lyric is, "if it hadn't been for," instead of, "if still i'd believed in," cotton eyed joe. i had no idea.
just had a really beautiful weekend with my friends. yesterday we drank coffee and ate mushrooms and went on a day-long walk around town in the beautiful weather. today we gave each other stick n pokes of flowers, a bridge in the shape of a vagina, and a guy with ragweed on their head.
feeling resistant to taking a shower lately as though it will take away time from me doing other activities even though I am just lounging tonight.
got paid too much for adding some cello to a friend's music. feeling confident in my abilities to create and collaborate with others. I'm excited to keep living, laughing, loving ❤
life is still good! good job, good friends, good activities.
I accidentally deleted like, an hour and a half of cello recordings for my friend n's music. I'm almost done with sound collage project pt 1. recorded 3 songs for my folk album that I feel confident about. feeling really motivated to do things now that the weather is nice. I've gone for a run every day for the past 6 days now. I want to run every day of March, weather permitting. I've been listening to Alan Watts audiobook of Out of Your Mind & have about an hour left. it's very very good, resonates a lot. dyed a couple shirts with coffee and hibiscus tea. awaiting results after another rinse.
woke up feeling like I had a bad hangover. got to work and my manager and co-worker felt the same. we were all super spacey but not really cranky about it so it was still a nice day. played my duster record & m played some ali farka toure. gonna read some poetry tonight that m recommended & go to sleep early again.
got the vaccine round 2pm today. my 2 other coworkers got it today too so my manager said we can close tomorrow if we're all just feeling bad.
made it through work today fine & all that. feel like someone socked me in the arm tho. worked out half an hour ago & still felt fine. 10 mins ago I became super light headed & feel like I'm gonna faint or something. kind of fun but now I have a lil fever too. gonna sleep soon, hopin' to still make it to help with m.a. food preppin' tomorrow morning.
had a really great & lovely weekend/anniversary with idi. realizing if i wanna get better at magic & not be such a casual i gotta start reading the cards.
work was kinda fun today. almost bought the album "the secret life of plants" by stevie wonder but remembered he's kinda cancelled & also after re-listening the album is a bit theatrical for my taste. it's still a fun concept though, would maybe steal the idea.
my manager talked 2 me at the end of the day & we gave each other feedback & it all felt really nice to hear. i feel like i'm still working on coming out of my shell at work, as i've never really been part of a workplace where i can share feelings as freely as i can here, but he told me i've been doing a great job having conversations with the folks we work with & that was super affirming for me. he also asked if i wanted any support with asking others to use my pronouns at work because i haven't been pushy about it (most of our clients are 45+yrs so i'm nervous to talk to them about it), but i'm deciding to have conversations with everyone about it so that folks will stop unintentionally misgendering me at work :-)
probably gonna make banana bread tonight and bring it in for everyone tomorrow. if my manager says i can dip out for a sec, i'll also be getting my 2nd round of the moderna vaccine woo hoo!
rest in shit rush limbaugh
rip chick corea. his album My Spanish Heart got me thru a bad breakup in 2019 & also thru a bad crush same year.
I hope he makes it wherever the good sc*ent*log*sts go 💐💘
flounder at work 3:14
gonna ask my coworkers their zodiac signs tomorrow. today was nice. read about columns. talked about Jimmy Carter.
a houseless man in dsm passed away yesterday trying to stay warm in a port-o-potty. these temps are unbearable. egma has been supplying folks with heaters & propane, but we want to put people in hotels this week if we can. if you see this & want to match my $15, here is the PayPal link:
just wrote a song that felt meaningful to myself for the first time in a long time. I'm trying to write more for myself, addressing a lot of writing to myself, taking advice.
created a schedule/ list of deadlines for when I want to be finished with some of the creative projects I've been working on. if I don't they will probably never be done.
calling my mom later
I love my job! all I did all day was research old records & help folks use the computer & talk to my boss about jazz!! tomorrow he is bringin in homemade seitan. might get to see mothbaby this weekend & I'm comin up on 1yr with idi. I'm the happiest I've been in a real long time.
I watched a really touching documentary today about Arthur Russell. it made me want to try more out when I'm making music. listening to all of his music makes me feel like anything is in reach, & makes me wanna pour out my heart without really thinking about it. i wish he was still alive.
got a parking ticket today because my car was still stuck in snow. cried a little bc i was feeling lonely, but then called idi & felt better. i forget how much a phone call can help. wrote 3 "songs" today (one goofy one, the other two were more like, idk, sound projects) going to bed early bc i'm doing egma stuff early 2morrow morning, hoping to make more friends :-)
I just tried to go to a job training but wasn't told it was canceled so i made my way back home. got about half-way up "the sherman hill" and then the 2in of snow was too much for my lil 2007 Mazda so we parked illegally & I walked the rest of the way. a man yelled to me from across the street, shouting about another car, a '98 Chevy (?) but I couldn't hear what he was saying so I said "yeah sick car." Then he started to yell something about his friend's baby and asked if I had a baby so I jogged the rest of the way back.
just had the most lovely weekend with rowen. couldn't go back to sleep/ haven't been able to shake the thought of shaving off my hair again so i gave myself the "just bangs." it doesn't look as good as when scout buzzed my hair 2 years ago for Tom Thumb - Y2K Bash All Electronics. probably gonna take off the bangs later. gonna drive to the clinic to get the covid vaccine in 40mins!
it's 7 now & i think the vaccine is making me feel incredibly drained. it's not just brain-tired, it's my whole body. arm very sore too. i feel cozy though, reading a book & writing some letters tonight.
it is snowing here. I'm on like, day 4 of training for my new job! the training is pretty corprate-y, but everyone I've talked to who works here seems really happy which is already a lot different than at my last employer. I'm also already eligible for more benefits than the last place I worked which is greatly unexpected! I'm gonna have dental + I'm getting my first covid vaccination on Tuesday since I'll be an essential healthcare worker, woo-hoo! other than that, the free time I have now has been great. I've started on a few music projects, one of which I'm eager to finish putting together my end and make it collaborative. I'll write more of it on here likely in a couple weeks. hope you are doing well, reader!
i took **** yesterday with my partner & had some really lovely thoughts & feelings and made some really lovely art. my favorite part of the trip was probably when we sat down and drew with markers while listening to Adrianne Lenker's album Instrumentals-- particularly her piece 'Mostly Chimes.' I was able to deeply appreciate her use of space in the music, something i'm guilty of not really letting myself do for fear of losing the interest of the listener. This is silly though because 1. we all understand taking time & 2. my music is for my own self expression and i shouldn't worry about others when concerning it. As my friend a. says, "all music is bad." >;)
Job job job!
i got offered a full-time position at the job i just interviewed for. this means i will definitely keep being able 2 afford my apt + i can carry out my plan to search 4 a therapist. i will be 'job coaching' and helping folks of different abilities with their work & other career goals. it's at an antique shop so i think it'll be a lot of researching/pricing antiques and vinyls. i think this will be nice to do for a while until i leave dsm. i'm also just excited to be doing something that gives me free-time to do art & other stuff i care about.
here were the first 3 ""journal"" entries that I'm gonna delete and switch to gemlog from here on. [edit: just kidding, back 2 a gmi] went on a walk with my sweet friend paxton today. talked about personal motivations & healthy communities. I'm about to start working a neat job soon. trying to start a little studio of music students. things are feeling good!
so lonely, snowstorm buried me and my car here. developing a crush on whichever neighbor keeps blasting non, je ne regrette rien around 11pm the past few nights. "sing it edith," i keep saying to myself.
i'm quitting my job in 4 days,using my sick leave rn. went foraging for juniper berries & bradford pears today but all the pears have fallen and gone by now and the all the juniper, I found fruitless. i did find wild onion though, and still had a pleasant hike. i miss missouri
i might be quitting my job. I'm taking covid leave right now, but i don't know if i can go back to 13 hr days, never knowing if i'll get a day off. i feel like I'm losing touch with myself and I'm just a body for them to use. i don't know how anyone does this. maybe living alone makes it harder to get through. going to start job searching though