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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="iso-8859-1"?> <rss version="2.0"><channel><title>Metalune's Glog</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz</link><description>Metalune's Glog</description><lastBuildDate>Sun, 28 Nov 2021 22:39:51 GMT</lastBuildDate><generator>PyRSS2Gen-1.1.0</generator><docs>http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss</docs><item><title>3rd January 2021</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/03-01-2021.gmi</link><description>I think I am gonna try to do the 100DaysToOffload thing, I just read about it and it seems fun, so Imma give it a go. I have recently decided that I want to go as FOSS as possible. I am currently experimenting with linux-libre kernel, tho as expected, WiFi is not working. I'm gonna have to take a look at ?libre-compatible? WiFi chips I can build into my laptop, but that would probably also require me to flash my bios so I can remove the Wifi-chip-whitelist. Well, in the next few days I plan on doing some more development on https://blue-nebula.org That's about it for my first blog post. If anyone will ever read this, Have a nice day. </description><pubDate>Sun, 03 Jan 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>16th January 2021</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/16-01-2021.gmi</link><description>It's been a while. I totally forgot about this, and at this point in time these blog posts aren't even on my website. This time I wanna tell a story that is not over yet. Little bit of backstory, I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 5, that was 11 years ago. Ever since then I've been taking meds every day. Roughly 4 months ago, I stopped taking them, at first I just forgot to take them with me on vacation (which happens more often than I'd like to admit). When I don't take my pills, instead of becoming all hyperactive, I just cannot focus on anything anymore, which leads to me sitting in my bed all day long, consuming one show after the other and sleeping. I hate myself when I am like that, I never thought that I was strong enough to overcome it. But this vacation was different. On my last day, I managed to sit on my computer, and do something. I installed emacs, and got a basic config going (I wanted to try it out). It was nothing really worth mentioning, but it was far beyond everything I had ever done without taking my pills. This gave me enough power to decide that I will no longer be taking them I was convinced that this time I will pull through, I will never take those goddamn pills again, and I will learn to live without them. ## Month No. 1 Fuck me, honestly, this was the pure horror. 6/7 days I would just do nothing, I used to work on computer-related projects 18h a day without even feeling tired. But I noticed that I started to enjoy walking (not jogging!) around the school building. At the beginning of the month I also decided that I was gonna drop this year of school and go do an apprenticeship, therefor I didn't really have any interest to participate in schoolwork, which would also lead to me just going out of the classroom (after talking to my cool teachers) and going for a walk around the town. Other than those walks and a lot of talking to one guy I started talking to on the internet, I did pretty much nothing. ## Month No. 2 Steady progress, more often than not I managed to get something productive done everyday, it was mostly just one 1 hour at a time. Other than that, just walking, talking and thinking. ## Month No. 3 Getting more and more back into my normal cycle, been able to work around 5-6 hours a day, apart from a few days with major fallbacks to just sitting and watching YouTube. During this month I ditched my smartphone because I noticed that it would distract me from doing something productive and drag me down. This was not that big of a deal for me, because I usually spent most of my day at my computer anyways, so I would receive messages anyways. But it was a hassle trying to explain it to my parents, one week prior I had already deleted WhatsApp and they thought that now they wouldn't be able to message me at all, but my messenger of choice at that time worked without a phone so it was fine. I had also moved all my YouTube subscriptions to my RSS Feed Reader where I had everything nicely categorized. But I soon noticed that the "Entertainment" section of my RSS feed reader was sucking up all my time again, so I just.. I just deleted all of it. And to be quite honest, I haven't missed it since. ## Month No. 4 - Today Whereas previously I usually had to force myself to start working on something, now, for the first time since very long, I had a spark of inspiration, and everything seemed to get better and better. Since now there is a lockdown I can no longer just go for a walk in town during classes, I was sitting in my room 24/7. Eventually I just couldn't bear staring at my screen all day long so I went on a walk, I started walking and exploring the area around my fathers house (my parents are divorced, I am currently staying at my fathers place) and I really liked it. So that's what I've been doing for a few days now. Every day, before I go start working, I go and take a walk (usually for at least 1 hour), after that I feel refreshed and can get cracking on making some FOSS :) I'm not over the hill yet and I still feel some resistance, but I'm feeling better almost every day. I don't know if I'll make more blog posts but I definitely wanted to put this story out there Have a nice day everyone </description><pubDate>Sat, 16 Jan 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Being proven wrong is the best thing that can happpen to you, learn how to handle it</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/17-01-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about being proven wrong, and why you should welcome it. To illustrate my point, I'm gonna use an example. Imagine you're learning a new language, in my case, let's say german. You are pretty mediocre at german, you are rather insecure and you make many mistakes. This might lead to you not wanting to talk to germans, because you fear they will laugh about you, and it would make you feel stupid. And from my experience, yes, it will make you feel stupid. But more often than not, you get an explanation WHY you were wrong, and what your mistake was. And this is incredibly valuable information, so please, go out there and go feel stupid, but never forget to ask why you are stupid. I believe that most people feel obligued to what they said are their believs. Basically never allowing themselves to change because that would embarass them in front of the others. I noticed this myself. Let's say I had an argument with you, I stated that I believe X and I do so very strongly. Now you start convincing me of Y, you bring up some really convincing arguments and some really good points and I start doubting X, but I won't admit it. I'll try to continously defend X. For some people this might be because they started to associate themselves with X and they take it as a personal offense, some others, including me, just like to subconsciously defend the position because it would be embarassing to admit defeat. This is something I've been struggling with since a long time because you only notice that it happened after you did it. The key to getting over it is to become aware of what you are doing when you are doing it. </description><pubDate>Sun, 17 Jan 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Note for future me, a reminder of who you used to be</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/18-01-2021.gmi</link><description>Hello, You know me, but I don't know you. You question everything. The end does not justify the means. You want to be special. You think you got over it, but you didn't. You just forgot about it because you think you are special already, because that's what everybody tells you. You feel miserable because you think you are becoming too perfect, achieving mental goals too easily. You used to be angry all the time, now you are very well regulated. You used to be a shitty family person and a shitty brother, you've changed, you're arguably a good brother now. You feel like live is going too easy and you want to find some big problem about you, so you can focus your time on that. You are far from perfect and you know it but you don't. You wanted to find a job at a company that supports your ideals. You felt miserable for the longest time because you stopped taking your meds and you think you'll eventually loose interest in programming and become boring again. You consider talking to other people a hobby, because you don't have any other hobbies outside of programming and computer-stuff. You feel lonely but you don't change anything about it. You want to see the world but you don't go out of the house. You wait for things to happen instead of making things happen yourself. You are afraid of getting older because 1. It'll make you less special 2. You think you'll loose all your motivation for life, because right now you are in a situation where nothing seems to move forward You don't want to admit that you want to have a goal you can work towards because that's what the average human does, but you don't want to be average. You want to be free but you limit yourself by not doing something because certain others do it. You realize all this and most of this message will become obsolete within a week, and you hate yourself because of it. You are afraid you will never find someone you can love because you think you are so vastly different but most truthfully you are probably feeling like most people your age. You recently noticed that you don't know what the world feels like. It makes you sad. You are hopeful that you will find people in real life that share your interests and enthusiasm about topics like freedom and FOSS. You are hopeful that all the misery you feel is because you are not doing anything, because you don't seem to have a mission and because you just hang around at home all day long and you feel like it will never change. You want to go out and see the world, you want to experience everything. You don't want to be limited by borders, want to cross lines and touch stuff. I don't know where you are in life right now. If you are sitting in some sci-fi alley, trying to hide away from the proprietary world and living off of food you found in the junk. If you are a father of 3 children, sitting in an overcrowded apartment trying to find some inner peace while the world screams at you. If you are standing on a bridge, getting yourself ready to jump. If you are 90 years old and never had any kids. If you have abandonned society alltogether and live in the woods. But if you ever feel lost, tell others about it. Never lose your openness. Never forget that you don't need to be angry. Never forget that you will always learn something new. And never stop being open for a change of mind. This was a note to myself, maybe just me trying to do some self-reflection. All I know is that this felt very good to type out and I'm going to make this public because fuck it, why not. I tried to not think about what others will think when they read this. :) And if you just read this, have a nice day :) </description><pubDate>Mon, 18 Jan 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Losing Everything</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/29-01-2021.gmi</link><description>Ok ok, Yeah, I admit it, that title was very ... exaggerated. Today I wanna tell you about what happened 2 days ago, in short, I fucked up big time. I wanted to move my openSUSE partition to the left and then expand it, because I basically had no space left, so I made an openSUSE Rescue USB and booted into it, launched gparted, and noticed the USB was only half-plugged in, so I replugged it and continued as normal (since most of the system was in RAM in wasn't that big of a deal). I first deleted the partition that was to the left, but when I tried to move my main partition, it crashed. Like.. the entire live system crashed. It was at that moment, I knew, I fucked up. I didn't make a backup. All my passwords were gone. I was unable to login to various online accounts I had, including my codeberg where I host "Simple Web". And I lost the password for my Fosstodon, that means, not only did I lose access to my own project, I couldn't even tell everybody about it. I would've to create a new codeberg account, and create a new project, maybe even on a different gitea instance, but SimpleerTube is already in a list, and how would I tell people about that I moved the project? I think you see the issue now. Either way, I was unable to do *anything* at that moment because I didn't even have a functioning system, so I booted into the rescue usb again, pulled out my backup ssd and created a voidlinux installer. While the system was installing I went through everything I still had access to and what I will have to do to invalidate my "old" accounts. Things I lost access to:
Codeberg, Fosstodon, Sourcehut, github, gitlab, dismail.de (xmpp), protonmail (backup email), imhentai and odysee/lbry
Things I still had access to:
Hetzner (VPS), namecheap (domain), mailbox.org (main email)
So at least the ones I paid money to use, I still have.
Alright, my installation was successfull, I started installing the core system stuff I needed, window manager, xserver, etc.
But then I remembered that I had a really old backup somewhere of my codeberg and my fosstodon password. I was able to get back those accounts, then I was able to get back my protonmail through my mailbox (because it was set as fallback email account) and through my protonmail I was able to get basically all my accounts except my dismail.
The thing that scared me the most about this, is that I would've basically lost the "Simple Web" repository, and not only ME, but everybody who was working on stuff in there, because I was the single owner.
I think while thinking about decreasing our dependency on others, we often forget to decrease the dependency of others on us.
The "Simple Web" project isn't a big project at the time of writing, but still, I had a responsibility and I almost fucked it up. That's why I elevated another contributor to owner status, so in case something goes wrong again, we can recover.
Aside from that I now keep my passwords inside a physical Notebook as a backup in case anything like this happens again.
Quite honestly, I don't know why I wanted to write this blogpost anymore. I doubt anybody will be able to get anything useful out of this.
If you read this to the end, thx, and have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Fri, 29 Jan 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Dealing with anger, and how I got over it.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/30-01-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about anger, as it is something that I have dealt with quite a lot, and something that I have suffered from for a pretty substantial amount of my life. (ok, to be fair, I'm still a teen)
Let me give you some backstory to this. Quick note: What I am referring to as anger, includes everything around it, even the "pre-anger phase"
I was a very aggressive kid, I probably got that from my dad, who tends to scream at his computer in anger after debugging for half an hour and then goes outside to smoke a cigarette. Anyway, as a kid other kids used to annoy me just so I would get aggressive for their entertainment, it worked every time. I was unable to ignore it. The opposite happened in middle school ("weiterfuehrende Schule" in german) where I was very aggressive from the start and a few kids in my class started to fear me. 2 years ago I switched to a different school, in this school I had a teacher I got along with really well, not like "was good in class" but rather that we would talk hours upon hours after school. Talking about the school system, ideals, the past, future plans, and eventually, about anger. She recommended me to look at some presentations of "Vera Birkenbhil" (I hope I spelled her name correctly), so, after I got home from school, I started watching some of those, and I was fascinated by her logic, and agreed with her, and I tried to apply some things she recommended in my life.
She recommends to imagine people would die in 2 weeks, therefore you wouldn't wanna start an argument with them. I like this in principle, but from my experience it doesn't really help and overall isn't doable. Your experience might differ tho.
The day I remember as being the day I succeeded at fighting anger was when I got really fed up about my sister not cleaning up her dishes after she left the table. So, I was about to storm up to her room, and tell her (very aggressively) that she should clean her shit up, but in that moment a certain clarity overcame me, I remembered that I wanted to stop being angry all the time, and I said to myself "stop.". Which was surprisingly effective and basically "wiped" the anger off of me. I was just standing there, wondering why I should be angry about it. Eventually I started doing this more and more and I started understanding that anger usually doesn't help anybody, aside from comedic purposes :P The thing about this method is that you don't end up getting more and more fed up because you just "gulp your anger down" but instead you get rid of it. You can imagine it like removing the 'cause', instead of the usual approach, which would be removing the 'symptoms' (anger itself). And by removing the 'cause' I don't mean that you should remove "WHAT" enraged you. But rather by removing that it enraged you in the first place. Because after all, there is nothing physical that makes you angry, 99% of the time, it is you, you yourself make yourself angry. Therefore you are the only person who can do something about it.
I think the method here is not necessarily the "stop" part but rather realising what you are doing, becoming self-aware in the moment. In fact, a lot of what we do daily is routine, being angry is part of that, what I mean by that is, when you are angry you always go through the same process, (I can't describe the process because I haven't looked into that too deeply), you don't necessarily make an active decision to get angry, it is a reaction that happens due to "preprogrammed" behavior, if you manage to get hold of your mind during that phase, you can stop yourself from going any further.
One thing that also helped me a lot is asking yourself "Why do you have to be angry, who forces you to be angry and if nobody forces you, why would you want to be angry?". Asking myself this usually gave me enough time to "calm down" and process the question.
Again, I don't know if this was helpful or not, but I definitely wanted to share this.
If you are reading this, and you made it to the end, thx, and have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Sat, 30 Jan 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>You don't have to be offended.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/31-01-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about something that has bothered me a lot recently, especially because I see it happening all around me IRL. People being offended by words. I don't know if what I am about to explain is common sense or not, but I just want to talk about it.
People seem to have this feeling that they **have** to be offended when someone insults them, don't get me wrong here, I used to do it a lot in the past too, and I still do it at times. The thing is, words in of itself aren't insulting. It is just how you interpret them that you find them insulting.
Let me try to give you an example, let's say person XY insults you, XY is the sender, you are the receiver, if you turn off your receiver component tho, the insult just flies into space and you don't get any bad feelings off of it.
Another thing, like my old chemistry teacher used to say "Nobody is responsible for how you feel, except yourself", you should not make others responsible for how you feel, you should hold them accountable for what they intended to make you feel, not what you actually felt. What I mean by that is, language is just a layer to convey what we really feel, and if you don't get what they actually intended to say, then it's not a reason for you to be offended, but rather a reason to try and understand what they actually meant. I think it is very healthy to assume that people mean well, most people out there don't want to hurt you, or offend you. They want communicate, exchange knowledge, talk and have fun. If we all spend too much time thinking and worrying about what was said instead of what was meant, then we waste our time just looking at the symptoms of a cause.
I don't know if this helped anybody, or if this just seemed like a rant, but either way,
if you made it till the end, thx, and have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Sun, 31 Jan 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>My experience with social media.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/01-02-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about my experience with social media (as the title might suggest).
I remember that I first came in contact with a social-media-like platform at age 10, it was shortly after I got my first smartphone. It was the social-media part of an image-editing app, I cannot recall it's name. You were basically able to share the pictures you have edited, and you could see, like and comment on other people's pictures. (instagram in a nutshell, I guess). I really liked it and I started taking pictures of everything, putting a cheap filter on them, and publishing them. I got quite a few likes and it felt awesome, but soon my parents started noticing that I was taking pictures of everything and then they looked at my phone and prohibited me to use this app again, I was really sad and then they explained to me what "fishing for compliments" was and I kinda understood. After that I didn't really come in contact with any social media for a really long time.
After a while I discovered YouTube and I created an account and started making comments on videos, but I wouldn't really call that a social media platform unless you are a content creator so let's move on.
Approximately at age 12 my best friend at that time told me about Memes, and told me about reddit, so I kept bugging my parents so they'd allow me to download it (parental control on my iPhone SE at that time) and eventually they allowed me. So I started joining some subreddits, I remember r/thinkpad r/unity r/unity3d r/memes and a few others, and I would start commenting as I usually did. But after a while, I started seeing posts on r/thinkpad of people presenting their old thinkpads, so I thought, hey I can do that too, I might get some karma! And so I did, I posted a picture of my thinkpad and got almost 1000 upvotes, and a ton of comments, and I happily replied to all of them. Then I started using reddit like a forum, and everything went rather smoothly for many months, but then I got my MacBook, and I started posting all kinds of pictures of it and my setup in general, again, getting tons of upvotes and comments. And soon after I started my "macOSMavericksTheme" project, in short, making a theme for macOS Mojave to make it look like Mavericks by editing system files. I spent 2 weeks, everyday just working on it just so in the end, I could post a status update on r/mac. This got me 'tons' of followers (56 to be exact) and tons of upvotes and comments and I felt amazing, sadly, right after I "finished" that project, I switched to Linux, fulltime. Thx TheAssassin and freem and #blue-nebula for motivating me to do this :D. And a few months after I discovered i3, and naturally, I started posting on r/unixporn, which again, got me quite a few likes and comments, and it felt awesome, so everytime I would distrohop, I made a new theme, hoping to get lots of karma on reddit. Then, I got catious about privacy and purged my reddit account.
Somewhere in between starting to use reddit and purged reddit, I used twitter, but not much and I just deleted the app one day and that was it, basically.
Now, Fosstodon. I only started using it a few weeks ago, and I started off with posting a picture of my setup. I got a few "likes" (or favourites, or whatever) and a few followers, I was surprised that getting followers was that easy on fosstodon. So I started posting more and more things, projects I was/am working on, random thoughts, from time to time a screenshot. And I got a TON of followers, this was probably mostly due to SWT (Simple Web Translator), SimpleerTube and SimplyNews. At the time of writing this, I have 74 followers, which is quite a substantial amount in my humble opinion. But I myself don't follow many other people because I don't wanna spend too much time just scrolling through fosstodon. I have noticed that my computer became my day instead of being part of my day, meaning, I wake up, I open up my computer, check fosstodon and XMPP, I go and eat breakfast, I go to my computer, work, and after a few hours, I go to bed again. I think this really unhealthy behavior and I want to improve that. What I really like about fosstodon is that you don't have this concept of "karma" like reddit does, because that way I am not tempted to make posts that get a ton of likes and stuff, but rather, stuff people like and boost.
## Conclusion
I think I have a way healthier relationship with social media than most people do, especially nowadays because I don't have a smartphone so I am not constantly checking fosstodon while I am away from my computer. But I can definitely improve my way to handle fosstodon, i.e. I used to have a fosstodon tab open in my browser all day long, but today i started closing it when I wanted to get work done, which has proven to be very effective. I also forced myself to go and eat breakfast FIRST before I go and turn on my computer to check fosstodon. I had thoughts about deleting fosstodon but I realised that it was a great way to promote and present my projects, and if it's only for that, I'll keep it.
## Future
I want to stay on as few social media platforms as possible, that means, only fosstodon/mastodon, I will try to keep the random thoughts posts down to a minimum and will not scroll through mastodon for extensive time periods.
I don't know if this has been useful or interesting to read, but this is my blog after all :D
Again, if you managed to get to the end of this .. *scrolls through the file* pretty lengthy blog post, thank you, and have an awesome day :)
</description><pubDate>Mon, 01 Feb 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Physical money is gonna go away ;-;</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/03-02-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about something that worries me a lot. Physical money going extinct.
Due to Corona the companies want to reduce the amount of physical money that is being exchanged, which makes perfect sense from a health standpoint, but from a privacy standpoint it's a nightmare because all the alternatives they offer track you, (bank card, credit card) the only other option I've seen was a giftcard, but when I called their support they said they won't keep that for much longer either, and even if they did, I don't know where you would get one of those without having to pay with your bank card >:(
I don't want real money to go away, using non-physical money effectively puts us out of control, we can no longer see and manipulate exactly what happens to our money, as we don't actually "own" it. Sure, you are still subject to inflation and everything but at least your money ain't gonna go away just because somebody pressed the wrong button. (obviously, in practice it would be a lot harder than that, but you surely get what I am trying to say here).
Anyway, this was a rather short blog post about something that just concerns me.
If you made it to the end, thank you, and have an awesome day :)
</description><pubDate>Wed, 03 Feb 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>If you are concerned about your privacy, then why are you using FAANG?</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/06-02-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about something I've seen happening a lot in the privacy bubble, people saying "oh yeah I only send messages using PGP over whatsapp, therefore I don't care if they collect my data or not" and similar, I just cannot get behind this mindset, using Google services is like having a really hot psycho-bitch as your girlfriend. You get to have amazing sex every once in a while, but 99% of the time you spent with her, you're just being abused.
If you don't like what a company is doing to you, or at least trying to do, then DON'T USE IT. If nobody's gonna stop using it, then nothing is going to change, even if you as an individual think that it wouldn't change the world if you stop doing it, you're going to be an example to others, showing them "Hey, I don't use Google services and I still get my job done". And if nobody is ever going to start to show some resistance, it's never going to stop.
The advantages that most of these services present to you, are solutions to problems that don't exist. You don't need to be online to have a healthy social life, you don't need to watch YouTube videos at all, at least not on youtube.{com,fr,en,etc}. You don't need to be on WhatsApp or Facebook to stay in contact with your family, just remember to call them every once in a while, and if you wouldn't stay in contact with them if they weren't on Facebook/WhatsApp, you should either probably change something about that behavior or otherwise accept that you're just not really interested in interacting with them.
This was a rather short blog post, but as always, if you made it to the end, thank you, and have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Sat, 06 Feb 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>You will be forgotten.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/07-02-2021.gmi</link><description>You, as an individual will be forgotten, in a few hundred years nobody will even remember your name or your existence. Your achievments will become meaningless. Now, this does not mean that your work won't be remembered, nobody remembers Shakespeare for the kind of person he was, but rather for the texts he wrote, but let's be real, you're not going to be even close to as important as Shakespeare. During your entire lifetime barely a million people will ever hear your name.
Here's my advice. You don't have to take it, I don't claim to know the truth, this is just what I think is right.
Don't waste time searching for the meaning of life, or your life. There is no meaning of life. Life just happened, make the best of it. And when I say, make the best of it, I mean, do whatever you like, don't try to appeal to others too much or just earn a lot of money, be yourself and be who you want to be. You've only got one chance, you've been given life with no goal, it's like survival minecraft. It's a sandbox, you can create whatever you want if you work hard enough for it, but at the end of the day, it doesn't really serve a purpose other than fill the time and bring you satisfaction. Be aware, you're not alone in this world, influence others, be influenced by them, learn, and teach. Don't be hesitant to try out new things, you might only have one chance. Be aware, that society is just a social construct and your rank in society doesn't mean anything in nature, you're not a stronger human being just because you are the boss of a big company. What's the purpose of lying if everything is meaningless? There is no purpose. Just say the thruth, stand straight for your beliefs. Make sure to do something that fullfills you, something that gives you the illusion of having a purpose.
Just because you don't have an assigned purpose doesn't mean you can't set goals, or that your life is worthless. The only wasted time is time you perceive as wasted. Be aware that we're all in the same boat, we all were kids once, we all grew up.
This is not coming from someone that is depressed or extremely sad, in fact, this is coming from the happiest person I know, myself. You might think that all of this sounds really depressing and if you live by those standards, you gotta be a really sad human being, but it is actually really liberating. You don't have to prove anything to anybody unless you choose to. You are aware that your mishaps are going to be forgotten and nothing you do will last forever. But you can still improve the lifes of others by being a good and sincere human being, by being a human being you can be proud of. You don't do things just because people will remember you fondly, you do things because you think they are the right thing to do. You have no power but yet you are incredibly powerful. You can observe and you can influence (some people may argue that observing is also a kind of influence, which I agree with)
I feel like this post has been somewhat of a mess but hey, watcha gonna do.
If you've read this to the end, thank you, and have a nice day :D
</description><pubDate>Sun, 07 Feb 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Why you should value intent over word.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/14-02-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about intent, and why I believe it matters. This is something that I've observed for a very long time now. And I've seen it happen on- and offline. I believe it is partially cause of the entire SJW-thing going on (just a suspision, I'm not sure). People seem to focus more on words, and how they define those words instead of what the person who said those words actually intended to say. Let me give you an example: A person nodding is commonly understood as a sign of approval, but in some cultures (that I've heard of) nodding is a sign of condescension, and therefore, in those cultures people would be rather offended if you nodded to them. But in reality, we should approach people with understanding of their differences, i.e a person who would find such a thing offensive can try to understand that this person didn't mean it that way, but rather wanted to convey something entirely different.
Language is a tool to make communication easier. A hammer is a tool too, but many seem to focus on the hammer instead of what is being built with it. I think I understand that it is easier to focus on the hammer, because turning your head and looking at what is being built with it, trying to look at the full scope requires a lot more effort and is way harder.
If you like it or not, languages that are still being spoken are dynamic. Languages only get static once they die, like latin. A word has the means what most people think it means, because that's how language works, finding a common term for a thing so everybody can refer to it, but this often fails on a large scale, and that's what we're experiencing right now. People having vastly different definitions of words that are trying to communicate with each other, which only results in anger and confusion because instead of trying to understand what the other person is trying to say, they focus on what the other person said. It is like trying to fit a rectangular piece of wood in a round hole, it just doesn't work.
After all that being said, what can we do to change that? Be open and always consider that you might've not understood what the other person was trying to say. If you have difficulties understanding what the other person is trying to say, ask them to reformulate, to reiterate, to elaborate. Also be aware that what you are saying might not have the effect you think it will have, so be careful what you say and prepare to reformulate, to reiterate, to elaborate.
Maybe this is common sense, but oh well. If you made it to the end, thanks, and have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Sun, 14 Feb 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I don't think I want to work in the Tech Industry.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/16-02-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about something that has been bothering me for quite a while now. In case you don't know, I have dropped out of school and was looking for an apprenticeship as system administrator for the past 4-5 months and.. I didn't have much success, I was called for interview 4 times, but it never worked out. The moment I got the last email saying that I am not getting the apprenticeship, I realized how good it felt. I felt free again, how SUSE said it "Free in my IT". The thought of having to work in a company led to me not feeling like I can try out everything because I knew that I had to know certain things to do my job, and it would only be a disadvantage if I personally used something else. Just like how an Apple Developer probably shouldn't use a linux desktop as their daily driver. This also meant that I would not have to "violate my moral ideals" of free software and digital privacy just because I work at a company.
So, I also started looking into doing a "voluntary social year" which is a german thing you can do, basically just a year at something social-related, such as working in a hospital, daycare, etc. Which sounds amazing, both because I will get to know people with different interests but also because my job/thingTodoDuringTheDay doesn't require technology, especially not proprietary technology. And it doesn't require me to write proprietary code or work on proprietary projects. I like the thought of being able to work at a place where I am not required to manage a server, or write a software on time. It defeats what I love about software development, or specifically free and open source software development. There is no bureaucracy involved, no deadlines, just me, the other contributors and the users. Freedom.
I think in conclusion.. I don't want to work in the Tech Industry. There is a saying "If you turn your hobby into your job, you won't work a single day of your life" but I think this doesn't apply here, because, my hobby is writing software without wanting anything in return for it. I don't want money for my software/services, I want to provide them because I want to help people and myself. Turning it into a job would require me to somehow make money off of it, which I don't want to. If I can't compute freely, why would I want to compute at all.
If you made it to the end, thanks for reading, and have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Tue, 16 Feb 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Getting back in touch with reality</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/03-03-2021.gmi</link><description>I recently started an internship as a chimney sweeper and because of that I can no longer spend all day long on my computer. This was/is quite a big change for me as I've basically spent most of my days on my computer during the last 4 years and on my phone for the 3 years before that. I'm not going to tell you that it was hard, because it wasn't, but it was different from usual. It is a different feeling when you come home and you don't feel like you gotta get back to work on your computer.
I can enjoy staying in the living room with my family, or sitting outside, just talking with them a lot more than I did before. Since I don't even have a smartphone anymore, but rather, a simple Sony Ericsson phone I don't get in touch with the "digital world" at all most of the day. It feels good. I am able to make a clear cut between "I am at work" and "I am at home", it seems like I was unable to do that properly before. I don't know what's going on in the world. I don't really want to know. I can focus on my local problems, achievements and goals without having to bother with the problems of different countries. I never even realized how deep I was into this, and how deep many are into this. Get in touch with reality by getting out of touch with the "world".
It is a huge relief, I just have to worry about myself, my family, my friends, the town I live in and the towns around it and the people that live in that town. I no longer need to worry about Trump/Biden in America, worry about Angela Merkel in Germany, Google/Microsoft/Apple releasing new stuff, or some bag of rice falling over in china. The world-wide-web, at least for me, should stay in my room, on my computer, and nowhere else.
</description><pubDate>Wed, 03 Mar 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I don't want to be arroused anymore.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/18-03-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about the extreme sexualised society we seem to live in. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, it's all about sex, rarely you see something done for any other reason. Why can't we focus more on character, and less on appearance, it's not like I am being stripped down to appearance myself. It's just that everywhere I look, every image I see in anybody's house, it's always about looking sexy. People putting makeup on their faces, people artificially increasing breast/ass volume.
</description><pubDate>Thu, 18 Mar 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I'm getting too much praise than is healthy for my ego.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/19-03-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about something that has been bothering me for a long time now. I've never been able to take compliments very well, but that is just a me-problem and usually doesn't affect my actions. What DOES affect my actions though is praise, a lot of it. This is something that has been going on since practically forever, people telling me how mature/great I am. Of course it boosts my ego and it feels great but it made it a lot harder to take criticism appropriately. I think this also greatly affected my opinion on others. I.e. when I recently heard about a 14-year-old being able to draw great life-like images just like nothing, I felt a great unease. or when I see somebody that just looks good, it also makes me feel uneasy about myself. I can't emphazise with other people anymore. Why. Help me. Obviously about thinking about these cases thoroughly I can somewhat emphazise or at least not feel uneasy about it anymore, but that was my initial reaction, and it still happens with other cases. I feel like I have to be special. I've always aspired to be special, no matter in what way, I wanted to be special. This resulted in me going to lengths that others wouldn't go to, it has brought me loads of good things, but it has also brought me this. I get enough praise to make me feel special, now I feel like I need to keep that status and I can't see others being special as well. This feels like a serious illness and I want to tackle it but I don't know how.
</description><pubDate>Fri, 19 Mar 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I want to taste freedom.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/20-03-2021.gmi</link><description>I want to taste freedom, I want to taste it to its' fullest. I want to go in one direction and without worrying about coming back. I want to explore new worlds. I want to feel the air in my hair. I want to run around naked whenever I feel like it. I want to sleep outside in the middle of a village because I couldn't afford a room in a motel. I want to climb every mountain I can find. I want to worry about food only when I'm hungry. I want to sleep when I'm sleepy. I want to run, walk, sleep, have sex. Without thinking about a government or the globe, just living wherever I feel like living. I don't want to worry about personal property. I want to find new exciting people with new exciting perspectives. And I want to share it with somebody.
</description><pubDate>Sat, 20 Mar 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Emotions.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/24-03-2021.gmi</link><description>This post is going to be just me dumping my feelings into a textfile. Every night I lay in my bed, and I wonder how I am ever going to find somebody likeminded. Somebody I can harmonize with. Somebody I can live a long life with. I can find plenty people to sympathize with online, but sympathizing ain't love. What is love anyway? Will I ever get to know? I am worried. Worried that I'll never find a boy/girlfriend. Worried that I'll never find love. Worried that I'll always be alone in my beliefs. Worried that I'll always have to explain my feelings to others and never be understood. Worried that I'll die lonely. I feel jealous whenever I see somebody in love. I had two days of peace until these feelings kicked back in, during these two days I was very focussed on learning russian, but now that this has become less of a priority I feel lonely again. Because there is nobody I can really feel comfy with. Every goddamn day I sit alone in my room, I want to socialize but I don't know how to and I'm scared to talk to random people on the street. I don't just want to socialize with *any* people, I don't just want to have conversations, I want to have fun, I want to be understood, I want to be desired, I want somebody to sing with. I want to cuddle with somebody, I want to dance with somebody. I want to feel familiarity.
</description><pubDate>Wed, 24 Mar 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>The phrase "I think I am in the wrong generation."</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/04-04-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about the phrase "I Think I Am In The Wrong Generation", I've used this phrase before and I will probably use it in the future, but today I want to take the time to explain what I mean when I say that. I don't think I would've wanted to be born in an earlier generation, because that would mean that I would've probably turned out to be a very different person than I am today, and I like the person that I am today, yet rarely anybody else seems to think that. And don't get me wrong, there are quite a few people who like me, but they don't like me for the reasons that I like myself. And I think it would've been easier for me to connect to people if I was in a different generation. I just feel very out of place when I interact with other people my age, I don't listen to their music, I don't care about the things that they do, I have different standards, different goals, different thoughts and different ways to approach things. In a sense I've reached my goal of being different than most, but I'm paying the price for it now, loneliness.
When I talk to people my age, I feel like some old boomer, I don't feel like this is my generation, I feel like I am that old grandpa who is trying to tell them about my own time, presenting them how things used to be, boring. Just for once I want to meet somebody my age that I can relate to, just once. I'm in so many ways different yet the same. Maybe I just have a very pessimistic look at this because the last year hasn't been very great for me socially speaking. I haven't met many new people, but I've left the ones I already knew.
I am often complimented for my english, my thoughts, my mindset, yet none of this matters in the end. Or does it? Am I too self-concerned? I don't know, because nobody knows me as well as I do yet I would want somebody to. I want to see new people, I wanna get to know them, I want to observe, yet I don't seem to be welcome to do that. Which I can understand, nobody would want to hang around with their grandpa all the time.
I know I'm probably too self-focussed, self-concerned and narcissistic, but what else was supposed to happen after such a long time of being pretty much alone? Maybe it's always been this way. I want to change that now. But I can't anymore, I missed my chance, I'm out of school now, I don't meet any new people at work and even the boarding school I was supposed to go to is now probably going to be online, so yet another chance missed to meet new people. Maybe I should give in, maybe I should go get myself a smartphone and install snapchat, follow people, and message them, I don't know. I don't want to, but I don't want to be alone either. I love talking to other people, I would even go as far as to say that it is one of my hobbies. But I can't. I can do it online, but that's not the same.
I've got a new haircut recently, got rid of my long hair, now I look like every other teenager out there. I don't think it accomodates me well, I don't think it represents me. But maybe it will increase my chances to appeal to people my age? I don't know, I don't want to seem desperate either tho, maybe it seems like I am a grandpa trying to be hip and all. But I'm not desperate, right?
I think I made a lot of progress recently, I don't talk about "masturbation" as extensively anymore because I've been told that most people think it's gross. And it seems to work better like that, I don't mind it much. And during conversation I pay more attention to talk less about myself, learn more about others first. I always say that I want to talk to others yet I think that I usually only want to do that because I want to tell others about my principles and ideas, maybe so I can get some confirmation? I don't know, I am not sure but I don't want it anymore. I want to change, I want to be a nicer person to talk to, I don't want to be average tho. I just want to be nice.
People told me before that if you're not happy alone you won't be happy in a relationship. I think this probably has a lot of truth to it, and I'm working on it, it's been getting better since I don't masturbate every day anymore, don't know why that helps, but it does, I like it. But then again, does this mean that I can't strive to be around others if I'm not happy?
I often think that I am oh-so-special, yet I am like everybody else, yet I am not. Everybody is different, that's why I'm like everybody else, yet I'm not. My goal of being different is unachievable yet always achieved by definition. Yet I am yet to find a really interesting person IRL, being different doesn't mean that you're interesting. I guess I don't only want to be different, I also want to be interesting. But the irony of it is, there is a sweetspot of being different while being interesting, but once you surpassed that you're just too weird to be interesting to most. But I don't want to appeal to most, or do I? I guess I do because I haven't found *anybody* yet, but maybe I shouldn't set my bar so low and maybe I shouldn't make myself depend on others so much at all, but I'm just lonely and I want to talk to some people goddamnit. I want to hang around with some cool people, I want to live a normal life but the definiton of "normal" seems to be so much different now. I don't want to bother others.
Writing about this helps a lot, at least it will once I'm done, right now it is still a heavy weight on my shoulders but soon it will be gone, or will it just be hiding again? Will it come back? It probably will. Sometimes I fear that people I will get to know will read this. I don't know why I'm scared of it, maybe they'd like it? Rarely anybody seems to have a log these days. Honestly I don't know why this would be interesting to anybody but I just wanted to get it out of myself. I don't always feel like this, it's just that sometimes it all piles up and I have to let it out, those are the days when I write here.
I guess if you're still reading, thank you. Have a nice day. And I wish you the best of luck on your own journey. Don't Stop Believing.
</description><pubDate>Sun, 04 Apr 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>It's time to take a step back.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/09-04-2021.gmi</link><description>The time has come, I've been going down rabbit holes for too long, I've discovered many great things, and I will keep those, but I noticed that they changed my attitude towards "mainstream" things. I cannot enjoy things I used to enjoy anymore, I generally have a "I-dont-like-that" attitude and I want to get rid of that, I hope that this will help, I will take a step back and try to break this unhealthy cycle, try to make myself a friendlier, better, person. I am sick of my own attitude, I don't know when it changed to being what it is today, but I want to change it. I've become extremely jealous of people who either live happier or are more experienced in a certain field yet they aren't any older than me, I don't want that, it's been destroying me mentally for the past couple weeks. I've been holding rather extreme viewpoints on quite a few topics such as books and school/education and I want to losen them up a little, because let's be honest, nobody's ever been helped by a crazy maniac telling him that everything he's been living in is complete and utter garbage, and it isn't. School has an awesome social effect and school does a great job in many areas, whereas it has gigantic flaws in others. Same story with smartphones, always-being-connected, discord, social media, etc. I don't want to be that guy who hates everything anymore. This does not mean that I will start using smarpthones again, it does not mean that I will join major social media platforms, this does not mean that I wil start consuming more YouTube, but it means that I will make myself more open-minded about them. Thanks for reading, and, have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Fri, 09 Apr 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Living with a dumbphone.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/20-04-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I wanted to write about my life without a smartphone, instead I use a Sony Ericsson C902 as my daily driver, I gotta say, I love the way the phone looks, and works. It has so much charme and so much care was taken in the design, I love that it looks like a phone James Bond would use, it was released in 2008 at the same time that the James Bond movie of that time was released (I forgot it's name) and accordingly also has ships with some James Bond themes.
Anyway, let's talk about the transition period. It was immediate, I had already stopped using phone-dependant messengers such as WhatsApp a few weeks prior so there was no problem to just using Telegram from my computer. Aside from my parents complaining to me that they couldn't reach me whenever they wanted by sending me a text-message the biggest problem was getting used to the silence. I used to always watch YouTube videos while eating my breakfast alone, I was used to that, I had done it at least for the past 6 years of my life, so essentially ever since I had a smartphone. It was rough at first, I was bored a lot, and I didn't like it at all, I was tempted many times to just pick up my old smartphone and watch YouTube videos there JUST for breakfast, pinkypromise. I did that a few times, but luckily my phone died one day so I was forced to rely on my dumbphone all the time, no more watching YouTube, and eventually I got used to it.
At that time I still went to school and I had to drive 30-minutes there every day, I used to just listen to music while I was doing that but I realized that I don't want that anymore, I don't want to be distracted anymore while I'm out in the public, eiter I'm talking to somebody, or I'm open for conversation. I want to look as inviting for a conversation as possible, that means, no endless-looking-into-a-smartphone and no headphones-and-staring-out-of-the-window because from my experience these things make you look busy, and nobody wants to disturb somebody that's busy doing something. So I want to look like I'm not busy at all, I want to look approachable.
All in all, I believe that as long as you don't rely on things such as WhatsApp or similar for your work/school, it is totally possible to live without a smartphone these days. Of course there will be some people who will be upset that they can only call you or send you an SMS, but those people who stay will be worth it. Like somebody else sometime said, maybe "It's a good filter rather than a bad barrier"
For everybody who made it this far, I know that I kinda drifted off but I don't want to take that part out because I still think that it's important, even if not entirely on-topic. Have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Tue, 20 Apr 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Getting off my masturbation routine.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/24-04-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about my masturbation routine, what do I mean by this? Well for the past 5-6 years I basically fapped at least once a day. Not because I was necessarily horny every day but because it had become routine. I never saw it do any harm to me physically or mentally so I never changed anything about it, until recently when I decided to just try and break it because "why not" and I gotta say, it was a really good choice, this routine had influenced me in ways that I didn't even notice for a very long time, it kinda made me more sexual most of the time, which seems rather obvious at first, but hey, I didn't notice it. Now, it was easier than expected to break the routine, it basically took 1-2 weeks at most, and, I didn't stop masturbation entirely, but rather I just stopped doing it because it was routine, so during the first two weeks I actively had to restrain myself from fapping every night before I went to bed. But after those two weeks it just.. stopped bothering me, I just no longer felt the urge to fap. This is something I had forgotten how it felt. I forgot how it felt to not want to fap in the foreseeable future. I am very glad that I broke it, because since I did, I seem to have less random boners and I feel less.. dirty, not that I felt dirty before, I just feel less dirty now, if that makes sense.
This is all I have for today, nothing special but hey, thought I might share it with you. Have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Sat, 24 Apr 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Looking back on getting off my pills.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/25-04-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to take a look back at how I changed since I stopped taking my pills approximately 8 months ago. The biggest difference is probably my large dip in my ability to concentrate on things for long periods of time (who would've thought), it used to be much worse at the beginning but it's already gotten way better and I'm positive that within a few years I'll be on a very good level again.
Another big change was going from being pretty much introverted, to very extroverted, I suddenly needed to have people around me all the time and I couldn't stand being alone anymore. This caused a lot of sadness because well.. I wasn't around people I wanted to talk to at that time, most of the time. But this is getting better as well, as I noticed just yesterday where I was essentially forced to be alone again and ... I gotta say, it was chill, it wasn't like the other times where I would just be sad, instead I was .. just fine, just vibing, not even had music on most of the time, but I just felt comfortable. This may have something to do with the fact that I know there are people who I can actually talk to, but they're just not available right now.
A minor, but notable change is how I started getting more interested in other things outside of programming and philosophy. I am not exactly sure wether this is related to me getting off my pills, but I'm pretty sure that it's at least a side effect. I have even started learning piano just out of curiosity and I'm maybe, just maybe, getting interested in a little bit of sports.
I know it ain't much, but they've been very notable and I wanted to mention them somewhere, maybe I'll do another one of these further down the road. Have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Sun, 25 Apr 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Doing Great.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/29-04-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to write about.. doing great, because that's how I've been feeling for the past week. I've been doing exceptionally great. And not really for any particular reason, there would be enough reason to be worried. I have tests next week which I will almost likely at least fail 2 of. But still, I'm doing great. I'm really enjoying life. This post is not very long, and I won't make it much longer. I just wanted to share this and I wish everybody to feel like this as well. Have an extraordinary day :D
</description><pubDate>Thu, 29 Apr 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I can't stay alone for even an afternoon without feeling incredibly lonely.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/14-06-2021.gmi</link><description>I know it's been a while since my last glog post. That's because I usually only write them when I feel especially bad, this has not been the case for the past 1-2 months which is a good thing. But today I felt like talking about the thing that bothers me the most in recent times, loneliness. Ever since I stopped taking my pills I got less and less interested in my hobby, programming. Which is .. fatal, because that was my go-to thing to use my time, my go-to thing to talk about when having conversations, and now that it's gone I seem to have nothing left to do. I tried picking up new hobbies like playing the piano but I just can't seem to follow through with it, at least not like I did with programming, practicing the piano helps to keep me occupied for half an hour to an hour at most usually, but it can't carry me through hours and hours of free time every day. Instead my interests have shifted over to .. conversation. I am very interested in having conversations with people, I feel great joy in doing activities with other people. Of course this is nothing unusual, but this is something new for me, something I have had for my entire life, but never in the extreme sense that it does now. The hard part about this is that I don't have any friends living in my close area. And even the ones living a little bit further away I cannot contact, mainly due to them not having any time on their hands. Every day I sit in my room being alone and I go through multiple stages of feeling lonely which always results in me feeling like shit and rethinking all my life choices, of course, nothing unusual again, but this really gets to you once you have it almost every goddamn day.
I thought for a while that moving out of my parents house would help with this situation, and it sure would, it would keep me occupied when I come home from work, as I would surely have to do tasks in my home, or maybe I could go outside and meet people by introducing myself as the new neighbor and potentially find new friends that way. Tho.. I think that this would just be avoiding the problem (doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to move out of my parents house, but my financial situation doesn't allow for this to happen at this time). So I think I'm just gonna have to actually go out and do new things, but it's hard. And I don't know if I can get myself to do this.
I just cannot seem to enjoy doing things on my own anymore, I've done it for so many years now and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being alone in my room and laughing and stupid youtube videos or social media threads. I wanna go out there and do something, I wanna go out there and feel the world, I don't need to be productive, but when I come home at the end of a long day I wanna be able to say that I did something, and I did something good, and well, and something that was fun with people I enjoy. I don't wanna come to work next day and the only thing I have to tell is "well, I worked on some projects, kind of."
I hope by satisfying this urging desire of mine I can someday put it to rest and actually enjoy the time with myself. But right now... I just can't seem to. One might say "You can stay at home and live in your thoughts" which I would totally agree to, if I wouldn't have done that for the past 1 1/2 years or so for almost every day. Just keeping your own thoughts and living in that world of your own thoughts doesn't go well if you do it too long without ever telling anybody else and ever getting any feedback on your thoughts. I've experienced this first-hand in a confrontation with my parents a few years ago. I think it's time to go and do something, but I don't know if I have the power and social abilities to do so. I'm gonna try. I hope I will.
If you made it to the end, thanks for reading and have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Mon, 14 Jun 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Nothing lasts forever</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/15-06-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about the fact that nothing lasts forever, and why it doesn't make doing anything not worth doing. I see many people my age (teens) struggle with the fact that nothing will last forever, every relationship is going to break someday, everybody is going to die, every building is going to be destroyed and someday, you won't be remembered anymore. This does not make it not worth doing. There is a german saying that goes something like this "The journey is the goal" (Der Weg ist das Ziel) and there is a lot of truth to it, the point is, you don't go on a journey to reach the goal, well, you do, but in the end what matters is the journey to it. You can also see it like this, if you wouldn't have to go on a journey to reach the goal, then, at least to most people I know, it wouldn't seem worth doing. There are no stakes in reaching that goal. If you wouldn't have to do anything to reach any goal, then life would be truly pointless, aside from love, maybe, not sure about that one yet.
Let me tell you about a Minecraft Server, 2B2T, I've never played on it, only heard the stories. It's an anarchy. everybody can build and destroy everything. One might think "Why would I build something if just an hour later somebody could just destroy it" but contrary to that, there are some of the most awesome and hugest buildings and structures I've ever seen on there. They sometimes took months to build, and by now.. they're probably mostly gone. This is just the cycle of life, creation and destruction. The builders probably won't profit off of it in any way, shape or form (not financially) yet they most likely had tons of fun building it anyway, and they don't regret doing so.
Life is not about staying in one place and never moving, it's about moving on.
"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"
If you read it to the end, thank you. Have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Tue, 15 Jun 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>What is love</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/16-06-2021.gmi</link><description>Is it love when I can't describe the feeling, yet it is clearly there and I have no way to describe that feeling that makes my heart beat. The feeling that a lifelong search for a reason has found a person. The feeling that inspires you to write a lovesong every day. That feeling that makes you not feel like yourself when you're without that person. I sit in my room every god damn day and think about her, every night I fall asleep thinking about her and I wake up thinking about her. I can go to work no problem, it distracts me. Every night she tells me about the great day she had, I feel horrible because it feels like she's so much happier without me but I can't- no, I don't want to live without her. Today I wrote a loveletter to my girlfriend, just because the only way I can convey what I feel is the written word, she makes me feel so great when I'm with her but I feel so empty and horrible without her, I don't feel like I have anybody that comes close to her, not even remotely, not in a thousand years. I don't care about sex or anything like that, at least not when she's gone, when she's there I don't mind it because why not, it's just another thing to do. There's no way in which I can express the immense love I feel for her, which silences me completely most of the time, I can't talk, even if I wanted to, I just want her to hold me in her arms and know that everything is going to be alright. I can't even explain why I love her, I used to be able to explain it, name a few reasons, but I can't do that anymore. Yet my love for her is more intense than ever before. I can't even explain why I'm crying anymore. It's just.. I don't think anybody could ever feel the way about me that I feel about her. Maybe it's just that I'm lonely without her. That might be it, I hope that's it. This can't be normal.. can it? I can't tell her much about it because I don't know how to put it in words and I don't want to scare her. But I constantly have to think about how this is going to be healthy in the long run, maybe it will go away? Maybe I will learn how to handle it, this is all incredibly new, but I don't know. It's like.. when I'm with her, I can be myself, like, a weird example would be, only when I'm with her, I can wish that I'd be without her.
I know this is all very confusing and actually just a way for me to put my feelings into words. Have a nice day.
</description><pubDate>Wed, 16 Jun 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>What makes a wise man.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/29-06-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about how one becomes a wise man. A wise man is not a man that has persued one path with persistence, a wise man is a man that has overcome many obstacles, and made many mistakes. Imagine this scenario, a person born with social anxiety and a person born with no social anxiety, now the person with social anxiety learns to overcome it but it takes them 3 years. Now one might think that they are on the same level as the person which was born without social anxiety. But that's not the case, the person born with social anxiety is now wiser, and stronger than the one born without it. To become a wise man one has to admit his fault and look forward to improving themselves, a wise man does not think that they are wise. A wise man doesn't even have to be particularly smart in the traditional sense, but just smart in the sense of "asks the right questions".
A wise man is not just another word for experienced man, yet it is somewhat. What I mean by that is that an experienced man could be i.e. a man that has persued one path of i.e. Computer Science for their entire life, so now they know incredibly much about it and they can give you very exact predictions because of their experience, but that doesn't make them wise. A wise man doesn't have to have followed a path to the end, or even for a long time, a wise man can have persued many paths only halthway or shortly, and gained experience from each one of them, now the predictions of a wise man in that certain field may or may not be more accurate than those from the experienced man, but the wise man is much more experienced in general terms, in everything, or rather in many things. In other words. A wise man is a man that is experienced in life, a man that has learnt and still learns from his mistakes and experiences.
I hope this could capture in any way what i was trying to say. If you read it to the end, have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Tue, 29 Jun 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Don't strive to be better than others, strive to be good.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/18-07-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about striving to be what you want to be. It seems like many people are happy once they know that they are better than their peers, actually they only strive to be the best among their peers, or maybe even the best in the world. But I think that this is the wrong way of thinking about it. Maybe we should rather think about becoming good in what we do, not because somebody else is worse at it, but just become the .. definitive good at what you do. It's about not striving just because there is competition but because doing it out of your heart. Doing it because you want to do it and your goal is to be good at what you do. Not just being the best at it. Let me give you an example. Person A tells Person B "You're a good listener" but the only reason why Person A perceives it that way is because the only other people Person A has talked to were incredibly bad listeners. So in the grand scheme of things Person B might be considered a really bad listener as well, they're just way better than their peers. And this is why I think that it's important to strive for being actually good. Not just better than the others. In this case for being *actually* helpful to Person A. Thank you for reading and have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Sun, 18 Jul 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Be careful so you don't get used to your loved ones.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/22-07-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about something that has happened to me before, and that will probably happen to me again. Getting used to your loved ones, wether that be your family members, or your girl/boy-friend. I noticed myself that once I've known them for a while I get used to them being here. I get used to their love, get used to the way they act, get used to the things that are special about them. And that's what I think makes many relationships fail, because we only see the bad parts of it and we stop seeing what is actually good about another person. We see all those plentyfull bad thing, but never see the probably even more plentyfull good things. Which might just be the way they act around me, or the way they treat me. The way they talk to me, the way they're always there for me. All I want to say is.. appreciate your loved ones, there will always be bad times but those are the times where we should remember the good times. Have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Thu, 22 Jul 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Consider picking a job that doesn't leave you completely exhausted when you come home.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/23-07-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about why you should probably consider a job that doesn't completely exhaust you when you come home. Simply because you want to have the mental capacity to talk to your loved ones which might have a problem. Let me give you an example from my life: Yesterday morning I fought with my mother because of something rather silly that I don't want to get into now, then I went to work and I forgot about it, this day at work was really exhausting and I came home, and wasn't up for doing anything other but going to my bed and sleeping. Yet my mother was still there and wanted to talk about what happened in the morning because she felt bad and I should've felt bad too but I was too tired to worry about it. So we didn't really end up talking about it that day. So I thought to myself that this must be a really shitty and toxic situation for people who come home exhausted from work everyday, I imagine this is the way that people get divorced, because their wifes/husbands don't feel like they get the attention they deserve and need. So if we all pay attention to that when picking a job, then maybe we could all live a happier private life. A life where you got enough time and patience for your loved ones. After all, they are the ones we do all this work for, aren't they? Yet they aren't there to get the fruits of our work, but they are here for us. So make sure that they get enough of us when they need us. Have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Fri, 23 Jul 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Unnnamed Post</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/12-08-2021.gmi</link><description>Fuck my Life, what am I gonna do.
Everything started moving so fast so suddenly.
It used to be a search for somebody to love.
Now that I have found someone everything feels like it is set in stone, now there is a pre-defined path I can take.
But I don't want to follow pre-defined paths.
What else am I going to do though? This is not like school where you can just drop out.
There is no.. clear alternative to this life.
This life of work-marry-work-kids-work-die.
I want to fullfil my dreams, but what are my dreams. I don't dream.
I want to explore, but what is there left to explore?
What is there to learn, when nothing has purpose.
I know in 4 days this will no longer be a question, I'll meet her again.
She gives me the feeling of purpose.
When I'm with her I no longer worry about any of this.
She enables me to live in the moment.
I don't want to make her the center of my life because it could end at any moment.
On the other hand, if it ends, everything will be like right now.
But I don't want this life, this life of just sitting in my room and doing something on my computer all day long. Spending all day talking to random strangers on the internet. Forming relationships.
</description><pubDate>Thu, 12 Aug 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I have nothing.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/21-08-2021.gmi</link><description>When I say that I have nothing I don't mean that in a materialistic sense. But rather that I am/have nothing without the people I regularly talk to. Without my friends, without my family. I have no skills, I am not particularly funny, and people probably don't enjoy my companionship all that much. I see no value in myself. And I don't think that it's low self-esteem or anything, just the realization that there is no point to life. I do have my goals and such, but.. the greatest joy I get out of life is when I can make others happy by being there for them.. by being a "good friend" you may call it that. I don't feel like I'm particularly successful at that, but I'm trying my best. I've.. never really been the best or even good at something. I've always just kind of rolled along as the loser/noob/beginner of a certain group and somehow I never seem to have managed to work myself up. Maybe it was due to a lack of motivation, the most frustrating about it is though that I don't feel the urge the change anything about that because it feels meaningless due to it's unachievability. I feel like I don't even have to try because I'm not going to make it anyway. Maybe this is just one of the lows of being pretty much a nihilist, and arguably a bad human being. Maybe I am unknowingly dissatisfied with myself. I don't know. I just want to experience some things, I don't want to sit around in my room anymore but I can't seem to escape it. I'm the one who needs to take the steps but I don't know what these steps are and if I do, I'm not.. strong enough to take them.
I you read this to the end. Thank you, and have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Sat, 21 Aug 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I want to cry out loud but I don't know what about.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/07-09-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I noticed, that I can surpress my tears, something I was never able to do very well. I don't know why this started happening. I've just noticed that over the past couple of days I've been feeling something around my heart getting tighter and I don't know what it is or what causes it, I know that it's not good though. I feel like I'm surpressing some emotions but don't know what they are about, I know that I want to cry out loud but I don't know what about. Maybe it's the feeling of emptiness around me, the meaninglessness, the failure in doing the one thing I love, making other people laugh and making them happy, helping them. I failed, and I see no reason that this might change. I want to focus my entire life on other people but sometimes I like to forget that I have a life on my own to manage. Maybe this all boils down to the feeling of loneliness once more, maybe it is also bundled with my seeming inability to stick to doing/learning one thing. I've always found ways to excuse my inability to learn, most of the time by saying that it was pointless anyways becauset the system behind it was flawed, I'm not saying that I was wrong saying that, but that's where my questioning of everything originated from. And it's sickening. I start a lot of things but I rarely, if ever, pull through with them. I am disappointed with myself, I should take action to change something but the way I want to change my life, I can't. I don't know where to start and I have nobody to tell me how to. I don't want anybody to tell me how to, I want to figure it out on my own but I don't.
If you've read this to the end, thank you and have a nice day :D
</description><pubDate>Tue, 07 Sep 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I want to bang my head against the wall.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/27-09-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I want to talk about a feeling that I've felt for the first time recently, and I have felt it quite a few times since then, the urge to bang my head against the wall to relieve emotional stress, pinching my finger, biting myself, just in general doing things that hurt, nothing too crazy but still. It's not that I haven't felt "pain" (emotional distress) like this before, it's just that I never felt the urge to hurt myself because of it, and the worst part about it is that it actually "helps", it helps shift my focus from the emotional pain away to my body. There have been so many things recently that I wanted to say but just didn't want to say because I don't want to make the people around me that I love the most feel bad or just worsen their mood in general, I feel like I've done that way enough and it's just.. not a good time. I think I probably should've never shown this private page of mine to people I know IRL because then they might think that I am saying something about them when I mention people in here, it is the same reason why my friends usually don't know each other, so I can speak freely, it's not that I even talk badly about people I .. maybe I do, I don't know anymore. Maybe it's also that I want to avoid them exposing sides of me that I don't want the other one to know, I tend to adapt myself to the people that are around me at any given point to grant an "ideal" experience.
For the first time in my life I'm feeling like I don't want to live out a bad mood or something, or that I want to hide something because I don't feel comfortable with it yet, because now I want to make that one person happy and I want to avoid making them sad or concerned at any point, but me not being able to talk about what I feel properly makes them even more concerned and worried, and the worst part about it is that even if I wanted to talk, I rarely find the words because I never thought about it too deeply because I always wanted to hide it. I guess one can only feel bad emotions if they care, I didn't care until I met her. Now I can feel everything, BANG, why. I am confused and I don't want to be like this, I want to be better than this, I want to be better, for her. I want to talk to her right now but it's not possible and it kills me because it'll be another 24h until I can talk to her again but then the emotions won't feel like they do right now. I love her. I know my world shouldn't be all about her, but it .. is. I don't believe that I myself have any worth, I didn't think that before, and I don't think it now, I only want to make a couple people happy and then die, but now I want to be the one for her and I want to be the best and ... I shouldn't, but I do. I have to be more open about the things I feel, something that was never a problem for me but for some reason it is now. I never wanted to be perfect but now I do and it might just be the reason for this, I don't know but I'll find out eventuall.
If you've read this to the end, thank you and have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Mon, 27 Sep 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I'm thriving</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/06-10-2021.gmi</link><description>Today I just want to talk about my week so far, I've been working with my boss lately and it's been a lot of fun, and I've also been on a high when it comes to concentration, instead of being unconcentrated like always and forgetting about everything my brain is on a constant high, at least it was for the past 3 days but today I noticed that I'm insanely tired because of all this. I don't know, not much else to say other than that, I'm fearful that everything is gliding out of my control because .. I don't know why, because I'm not taking control, I guess. But I also feel like I am taking greater control than ever before, it's weird and I don't know why I feel lie this. I'm just not excited about my general situation in regards to social life, I can't really meet up with people and even if I could, it's not like I know a whole lot of people IRL :/ I hate being alone but I'm too lazy to change it and even if I wasn't, I wouldn't know how to change it in a way that I like, one usually meets people in places like school or at random, but the chances of meeting somebody at random is fairly low unless you're in some friendgroups already or partying or just something like that. I don't know. This is a fairly short blogpost but I just felt like writing at least something. Have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Wed, 06 Oct 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I am ready to take on jealousy.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/15-10-2021.gmi</link><description>So yesterday I talked to someone who told me about the old girlfriend of a friend of his, and she would just leave the room when he had a lot of fun with someone other than her because she couldn't deal with it. And I could see myself reacting like that as well, just because of that insane fear to lose her inside of me and the urge to always be the best person in the world to her, the biggest source of happyness, the best person to talk to in any situation, the person to feel home with, because that's what she means to me and I want to give it back. But jealousy is not the way, jealousy destroys everything, it makes you blind and it makes you hurt. I am ready to take on the fight against jealousy like I once took on the fight against anger, the best way to face it is straight on, I'll sit in the same room with her as she has loads of fun with good friends of hers, and I'll die inside, many times, but each time I'll be born again stronger than before and at some point, I'll be ok with it. Then I'll be free, I'll lose that weight on my heart, that constant worry, that barrier I have put upon myself. I am ready now. Wish me luck.
</description><pubDate>Fri, 15 Oct 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>Tell you that I love you.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/21-10-2021.gmi</link><description>```
It doesn't matter where we are
It doesn't matter what we're doing
All that matters is you and I
the world outside is just our playground
to act and play and run, to build life full of fun
I want to tell you how much I love you but I can't put it into words,
so I wanted to pick the best location to show it to you,
wanted to pick the best music, to make it a memory worthwhile.
Make it so it's like in all those Disney movies I've seen.
But I realized, it's all just facade, a way for a movie to express what the viewer can't feel.
Because love is just between you and I and no other will understand. The location doesn't matter, the music will be forgotten, but the feeling will prevail.
Wether on top of a Mountain, in a Disney-like Castle or in a McDonalds Drive-In.
It doesn't matter where we are as long as we're together.
There's no use in waiting for the "perfect moment" because it will never come,
I won't wait to tell you what I feel right here right now.
This is what I wrote several months ago and I just found it again and thought I wanted to share this with the world. I don't necessarily think that the location doesn't matter at all, but it should not be about the location, the location is just a nice background detail, it can do a great job to set the mood but it is not necessary.
Have a nice day :)
</description><pubDate>Thu, 21 Oct 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>The world is just too much.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/22-10-2021.gmi</link><description>Right now the world is just too much for me, I constantly have to worry about the fact that probably the entire world is going to collapse from the climate by the time I'll even think about having kids, that all the money I save up won't be worth nearly as much as it is right now when I need it, when I'm old. I just want to close my eyes and know that everything is going to be alright, just close my eyes and just stay there in the moment, but there is only one person that can make me feel like that, and I can only see her every other week at the moment, and I want to give her even just a little bit back of what she gives me but I don't think I can do that because at the moment I'm constantly worried about shit and can't relax and .. I don't know. In theory this shouldn't even be a problem because I always try to focus on the world around me, instead of the big world ahead, but this shit is going to impact the world around me and it already does. The world is a disgusting place, and a very beautiful place at the same time. Writing about it helps me get back on terms with this world. I could choose the ignore-everything-and-just-live-my-life route but then again that's what everybody seems to be doing, ignore just the big problems and just focus on yourself, that's why we got those big problems in the first place I think, people just focussing on themselves. But I don't think protesting will change all that much, people care way too much about only themselves to change the world, at least the people with power do. And maybe I am wrong, that's the other thing, I don't even know wether my own point of view on this subject is right or wrong, I'm not informed enough to know it. I want to go with the "I just keep my own little world in check" but how do I know what's "in check". I should probably get informed or something, something that I thought about is just doing a little research on a topic each day, maybe just like half an hour or something.
I am also losing my willingness to talk about things, not because people react badly about it or something like that, just because I don't have to hear their opinion on it I feel like. I don't want to discuss those topics, I just want to get over them. This is not something good I think.
Anyway, that's pretty much all I wanted to say for today.
Have a great day :)
</description><pubDate>Fri, 22 Oct 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I don't need her.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/27-11-2021.gmi</link><description>She has hurt me, in a way that she shouldn't have. It hurt so bad that it stopped hurting at all. She hasn't left me, but it feels as though she did. I cared so much that I stopped caring. I don't need her anymore, I am stronger than before, I will take the experience and learn from it. I won't leave her, I will give her another chance, not because she deserves it, but because I don't want to let her go that easily. She didn't even do something that would sound all that bad, she didn't betray me or anything. She just told me that if I couldn't cope with her personality I should leave, when I asked her to not forget about me while her friends are around, she knew how I would react to that. It broke my heart and she left not caring and left me to sit through one mental breakdown after another. I asked her for nothing more but 5 minutes, and she denied it. That day when I listened to music with some friends, it lifted the weight of worry from my heart which I usually only get from talking about it with her, but this time it wasn't because the problem was resolved or anything, but because I stopped caring about it. It feels like we surpassed the point of forgiveness. It doesn't feel like it can ever be like it was before, I don't think I could ever love her like I did before. And I don't need to.
</description><pubDate>Sat, 27 Nov 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title>I want nobody but her.</title><link>gemini://metalune.xyz/glog/28-11-2021.gmi</link><description>Yesterday, I wrote a glog post called "I don't need her." which is still true (as a statement) but yesterday I also realized that I want nobody but her. That no matter how hard I try, I can't imagine a better life than a life with her. I think I am much smarter now, after I realized that I don't need to run after her all the time, that I also need to look for myself. But yesterday, just after I wrote yesterdays' glog post I started realizing how much she has given to me, how much happiness she has brought into my life. How much she means to me. And I love her, unconditionally, whole-heartedly. I just wanted to write a quick update on the situation. If you've read this post, I hope you have a great day :)
</description><pubDate>Sun, 28 Nov 2021 00:00:00 GMT</pubDate></item></channel></rss>