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{ the }
-=/*> Buzzz Bros. <*/=-
proudly present
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the
Adventures
of:
{ SpAcEd-OuT Spliff }
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Wednesday, November 8th, 1989
3:33 am
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We find our anti-hero 'Spaced-Out Spliff', spaz-dancing at the "Whiskey
A-Go-Go" with some pretty groovy chicks!
SUDDENLY, his entire metabolism seems transported into an alien universe of
kaleidoscopic images and mystical vibes......
WHAT!? a mutant fascist pig threatens to bum out his trip! Acting quickly,
Spliff deftly carves an 'x' in the pig's forehead!
whipping out his secret stash of underground comix....Spaced-Out Spliff
cleverly avoids a serious bring-down!!
as Spliff reads on, he notices the bones in his hand start to protrude from his
body. He grabs his trusty stiletto and proceeds to
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WE INTERRUPT THIS FILE TO BRING YOU A REPORT ON THE LATEST
SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY REGARDING ONE OF THE POT-SMOKERS BIGGEST ENEMIES
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The Life Cycle of The Conservative
Introduction
As long as there has been social progress, there has been a conservative
trying to undo it. In the first century A.D., the Roman Emperor Maximus
Tyrannus was known for his efforts to restore traditional values. He
reinstituted cannibalism, wife beating, and the crucifixion of disobedient
children.
In the twentieth century, the conservative ideal of a strong military,
respect for authority and old fashioned morality was achieved in Nazi Germany.
This tradition has been continued in the United States by the Republican Party.
The Reagan administration has facilitated the rape of America by business, the
military, and moral zealots, and then persuaded the American public that rape
is actually a good thing.
The conservative brain consists of:
conformity sexual repression nostalgia paranoia
intolerance dishonesty racism greed
Infancy
At this stage, the conservative is too young to help lynch blacks, burn
synagoges, or dump toxic waste into American rivers and lakes. However, the
toddlers soon begin mimicking their elders by giving their playmates plastic
bags to wear on their heads and taking the asphyxiated child's toys.
Adolescence
The adolescent conservative takes oe step further toward its responsibility
of harassing and maiming undesirables by experimenting on small animals or
weaker children. It is during this phase that he conservative experiences
its brief period of sexual activity, usually wih the same animals and children.
The Egocentric Baby Boomer
The Baby Boomer is an important newcomer to the right-wing ecosystem. By
gentrifying run-down neighborhoods, it drives out artists, poor minorities,
and other annoying liberal pests. The the Baby Boomer settles down to a life
of conspicuous consumption, filling its nests with pocket-sized cappuccino
makers, inflatable home exercise machines, and other gadgets.
The mating cycle takes place in fern bars, where young unban professionals
sip white wine while displaying their designer plumage and discussing their
latest investments. When they aren't pursuing sex or consumer objects,
Egocentric Baby Boomers are ususally engaged in shallow New Age
self-enhancement gimmicks that fill the holes where their souls should be.
The Narrow Minded Bible Thumper
Bible Thumpers are amoung the most common of conservatives. They can often
be seen burning books, bombing abortion clinics, or entering homes across
America lecturing about the evils of heavy metal records, R-rated movies, and
malted beverages.
Bible Thumpers are noticed for their fierce resistance to contemporary
trends such as scientific inquiry, civil rights, and dancing with members
of the opposite sex.
Their range has been curtailed somewhat by an extreme aversion to sexual
intercourse. Ministers with TV shows are an exception, and can be aroused by
large cash contributions or church secretaries ready and willing to receive
God's love.
The Fork Tongued Fascist
politicus scandalus
The Fork-Tongued Fascist is a sly, secretive creature. It appears in public
only at rare press conferences to cover up the sale of missiles to terrorists,
or praise the bang-up job NASA did on the latest rocket launch.
Every election year, Fasciststry to persuade voters that their get-tough
attitude will return us to glory days of old. If elected, they are then free to
exploit the poor, waste money on non-functional defense systems, and teach
school-children that the earth is only 2,000 years old and was created by God
over the course of a very hectic week.
The Fork-Tongued Fascist is fond of preaching about the moral decay of our
society. To prove their point, Fascists like to bug opponents' campaign
headquarters or send weapons to help secret policemen terrorize bananna
plantations. When caught in a criminal act, a fork-tongued leader pretends to
have been betrayed by people dumb enough to have carried out his wishes.
The Right-Wing Loony
loco cultus
Right-Wing Loonies gather in small flocks to rid America of the Anti-Christ
forces of Jews, Blacks, and sales clerks who refuse to honor Hitler Youth
discount coupons. The typical Loony is an acne-ridden geek or muscle-bound
halfwit who collects weapons and Nazi memorabilia as an alternative to normal
interaction with other human beings.
When they aren't involved in overthrowing American society, Loonies are out
on street corners and in airports recruiting fellow social outcasts stupid
enough to believe their theories. Their ultimate goal is to start WW III and
establish and independant all-white nation where madmen can live with pride
and dignity.
Old Age
Respected for their senility, elder members of the species are entrusted with
advancing the intellectual climate of the species. This is done by reaching
out to like-minded groups in South Africa, the German Nazi Party, and remote
villages in Eastern Europe that still practice feudalism, trial by torture,
and lopping off women's feet to keep them in their homes.
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WE NOW RETURN TO OUR FEATURE FILE...ALREADY IN PROGRESS
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...throwing a Microwave-safe bowl full of Spaghettios into the microwave
(because saving the world makes a dude get the munchies), our hero sits
and ponders the days events.
"Jeesh," says Spliff, "Mutant fascist pigs, gay narks from the north side,
and bogus shrooms! I think I'll just stick to alternate reality."
Join us again next week for another thrilling adventure with.....
SpAcEd-OuT Spliff
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{ -=/*> Buzzz Bros. <*\=- }
{ MCMXC }
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Freedom Is A Road Seldom Traveled By The Multitude
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SpAcEd-OuT-Spliff
(c) MCMXC -=/*> Buzzz Bros. <*\=-
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