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...presents... When Cults Collide
by The Nightstalker
2/15/1998-#348
__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
\\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
For some reason, the Mormons (see cDc #275) are all OVER Jamaica Plain like
white on rice.
Which is odd, due to the large Black (Baptist/Protestant), Latino (Catholic),
Haitian (Catholic/Voudoun/Santaria), and Russian (Christian/Jewish)
populations. (Then there's the huge lesbian presence in JP. It's like a
Dykes To Watch Out For strip come to life at times.)
J.P. is not what I'd call user-friendly to the Mormons, yet, there are
times that you'll see the bus full of them, as they go off on their
missionary jaunts.
And when in downtown Boston, around Boylston and Newbury Streets, the damned
Scientologists are trolling for suckers.
It had been a _long_ stupid day for me. It had been my turn in the barrel
answering the hundreds of emails to cDc we get a day, mainly from lame little
wannabes who wish to enjoy the heady status of the Cult, but won't
(more likely) can't pull the weight required of a Cultee. The worst are
the jerks who email stupid things along the lines of "Please fuck up this
guy's AOL account for me. He dissed me at school yesterday. Oh, and can I
be a member?" Yeah, I'll get right on it, after Naomi Campbell finishes
giving me my daily blowjob.
So you can understand why I was in a bad mood and wasn't paying attention,
when I got sandbagged by a Mormon missionary tag team of "elders"
(Elders my ass. I am quite literally old enough to have fathered practically
all of these missionaries!) at the bus stop.
I tried to be polite, I tried to tell them nicely that I wasn't interested.
But no, they kept at me. I finally had to point out the cDc talisman
around my neck.
"Look, you see this bovicon? This pewter skull? This necrotic cow icon?
Don't they teach you ANYTHING in Missionary School? You see this cDc logo
anywhere on a person and you should just turn tail and RUN, thanking Moroni
that you weren't NOTICED by the Master Hacker who was sporting that
cow skull!"
"The last time I had to deal with you yahoos, when I was finished, they were
covered in pigs blood, had 666 tattooed on their foreheads, kick me signs
on their backs and mainlining JOLT to keep the caffeine buzz on! They
renounced their so-called faith, burned their Temple Garb RIGHT THERE IN
THE STREET and joined up with the K-k0w Force on the spot! Last
I heard, they were selling crack to the Taleban, Christian babies to the
Elders of Zion, and peddling pictures of Mother Theresa fucking a donkey
over the Internet."
"They swiped the Golden Tablets right out of the Tabernacle, sold 'em down
Tijuana way, bought a TON of coke and snorted it all in ONE NIGHT!"
"I AM the Corruptor, The Defiler, The Heretic, that your Elders warned you
about! I blow my nose on the Bible and wipe my ass with the Koran. I clean
up my dog's crap with the Book of Mormon and make paper airplanes from the
Talmud!"
"Satan ain't coming to Earth while I'm around and Cthulu has nightmares
about me! I AM the very Wal-Mart of Sin and Corruption and I'm coming to
YOUR town! The Anti-Christ won't even fetch his own paper off the front
lawn, for fear of running into me! I sold Jim Jones the Kool Aid and David
Koresh used MY Zippo to light the fire at Waco. Aum ShinRikyo heard I was
in Tokyo and launched a pre-emptive strike. Heaven's Gate read the cDc files,
realized they were NEVER going to be anywhere NEAR as cool and hip as cDc
and offed themselves to atone for their SIN OF LAMENESS!"
"And I'm just a measley newcomer to the Cult. You better not even
be in the same STATE with Grandmaster Ratte` or Deth Veggie, or there will
literally be HELL TO PAY!!! And you don't EVER want to know about the unspeakable activities at The L0pht! WHY... Oh, here's my bus. Nice chatting
with you. Have a good day, gentlemen."
After I got on the bus, I wrote down as much of that extemporanious rant as
I could remember. As I recall, those two 'elders' were looking mighty
shell-shocked as the bus pulled away. I hope they passed along my kind
advice to their fellow missionaries; at any rate they seemed to have been
taking notes.
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/.ooM \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ /.ooM \
-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
/lucky 13\ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ /lucky 13\
\ / `-' (U) `-' \ /
`-' the original e-zine `-' _
Oooo eastside westside / ) __
/)(\ ( \ WORLDWIDE / ( / \
\__/ ) / Copyright (c) 1998 cDc communications and the author. \ ) \)(/
(_/ CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a registered trademark of oooO
cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA. _
oooO All rights reserved. Edited by Grandmaster Ratte'. __ ( \
/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
\_) xXx BOW to the COW xXx Oooo