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Disclaimer: Pot is illegal and I don't give a fuck.
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of your very own personal copy
of the -OFFICIAL- Criminal Minded <tm> Mary Jane Guide!!! (Please do NOT be
fooled by cheap imitations)
First off I want you to observe the lovely artwork included in this guide:
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Wasn't that beautiful? Such magnificent color! Such outstanding clarity!
Anyway:
In this guide:
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Part 1: Starting The Growth Process -
Part 2: Taking care of the newborns - How to insure the survival of your
newly sprouted plants.
Part 3: Maintaining the plants once they start to get bigger.
Part 4: Preparation of the plant for 'consumption'
Part 5: Security and safety measures.
Part 6: Criminal Minded's <tm> mini guide to enjoying your plants!
Part 7: Final Notes.
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Part 1: Ok, this first step is, of course, the most important step in
assuring the successful start of a nice healthy plant or plants.
The trick to it is to "germinate" the seeds. This is very easily
done. All you have to do is take two paper napkins and place the
seeds in between them. Once that is done, put them in a warm spot
and keep the napkins moist. Keep them like this for a week or so.
You will know when they are ready because the seed will split open
and a little white thing will protrude from the seed.
Note: I recommend germinating at least 10 seeds. This makes your
chances of results much better.
BONUS Crimmy Tip!!! --> Use a miracle gro/water mixture to germinate the seeds
with. Miracle gro (the powdered kind) comes with a
little 'dual scoop' inside the box. Use the smaller
scoop and mix that much miracle gro with a half gallon
of water. If you use tap water I suggest that you boil
it first to remove as much germs and other nasties from
the water to prevent disease in your plants. Anyway, the
miracle gro/water mixture used to germinate the seeds
gives, in my opinion, the seeds a head start. They are
spoiled from day one so keep in mind you must always
spoil them.
Important Note: DO NOT put too much miracle gro powder in the water because
it can burn through the leaves and the roots. Read the back
of the box for specific instructions.
BONUS Crimmy Tip!!! --> Before the week is up take ten small pots and fill
them with ORGANIC potting soil to about here:
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Pot ---> \ /
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Soil line --> |______________|
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[Please note, once again, the spectacular graphics above]
Once you have filled them with soil take the required (see chart below) number
of Jobes Plant Spikes for each pot and place them around the sides of the pot
spacing them equal distances apart.
Chart from back of Jobe's plant spikes package:
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Pot Diameter (inches): 4 6 8 10 12
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Use This Many Spikes: 2 3 4 5 6
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Then take your miracle gro/water solution and wet the soil so that it is
moist, not saturated. You want to keep the soil moist for the entire week
while your seeds are germinating. After the week is up you are now ready.
Take your finger and push it halfway down into the soil in the middle of the
pot. The hole is where the seed will go (duh). Now remove your seeds from the
paper napkins and carefully drop one in each of the pots (only one seed per
pot). Now just gently fill the hole with dirt and that's it. You should see
some sprouts within 1 to 5 days. If you do not see anything withing 7-10 days,
try again.
Now onto Part 2:
Once your seeds have sprouted taking care of them is basically elementary.
1. If there is any dirt or pebbles wedged in between the leaves of the plant
gently remove them.
2. Keep them warm.
3. Keep the soil moist (with the miracle gro mixture of course).
4. Keep any large pebbles or anything else that might obstruct their growth
away from them. (Sometimes you will find rocks/pebbles/twigs in with
potting soil).
5. Spray them very gently with the miracle gro mixture. Do not spray them
full blast with your spray bottle.
and most important:
As the newborn plant gets bigger gently add more soil around the base of the
plant so that the top of the soil is just beneath the top of the seedling.
This provides more support for it as it grows (they tend to fall over) and
promotes root growth. Once they look strong enough to support themselves you
can stop adding more soil. I'd say this time would be when they are a few
inches tall.
Note: When your plant reaches around 10-12 inches tall I suggest transplanting
it into a bigger pot. The bigger the better because you will have to
transplant it less often, reducing the possibility of it going into
shock and dying. To transplant it, gently edge a butter knife around
the edge of the pot to loosen the soil and then tip the pot upside down
and gently shake it. It should come out as a whole. Then just dig a
hole in the soil of the new pot and insert your plant and soil plug.
Then cover it with new soil and water a little.
Part 3: Maintaining the plants once they get bigger.
1. As your plants get bigger you will notice leaves closer to the middle of
the plant that are starting to turn brown on the tips and curl up. After a
while just gently pull these off and new ones will grow, some with branches
extending from them with more leaves on them.
2. Make sure you water them regularly so that the top of the soil never dries
out.
3. Insert Jobes Plant Spikes every two months. (refer to the back of the
package for instructions/information).
4. Spray them regularly and gently with the miracle gro solution from about a
foot away. Make sure you spray the entire plant.
5. Keep them nice and warm with the use of a phosphorous plant bulb.
How many bulbs you actually use depends on how many plants you intend to
grow. If you have more than four plants I suggest you get two dual bulb
lighting fixtures. Ya know, the long bulbs. Put white bulbs in one and the
other flourescent bulbs. Keep the white bulbs on them during the day and
the flourescent ones on during the night. Perhaps two phosphorous coated
plant "show and gro" bulbs directed at the plants will help, too. Of
course if you only have two or three plants the two phosphorous bulbs is
really all you need. Those and maybe a ultraviolet bulb for at night. You
might also want to line the area where the plans will be with tinfoil. It
helps reflect the light.
6. If the leaves on the very top of the plant start to curl up and turn
brown I suggest not having as many lamps on the plant or to not have
the bulbs on as long each day.
Important Note: You want to keep the top of the plant at least a foot away
from the bulbs because they can catch fire and burn down.
When they get taller you might want to keep the bulbs on
them not as long as you used to. You can buy a timer to
turn the bulbs on and off at regular intervals. I suggest
you don't let the plant grow taller than four or five feet
anyway. Just stunt the top every now and then so that it
doesn't get any taller. Also, this way it will grow out
rather than up so you will have a nice fat plant in a small
amount of space. And always remember: Kill the males and
keep the females else the males will fertilize the females
and they won't bud. How to recognize the males from the
females? Well, for one: the male grows faster I believe.
Don't quote me on that. Other ways to spot it: Go pick up
a book on cannabis savita. That, I am sure, would tell you
better than I could. Last but not least: The roots are
always growing and probing deeper for water so you must
water it regularly to prevent out of control root growth
and this way you won't have to put it in bigger pots as
often. I would say that a pot with a 2 to 2.5 foot circumf-
erence is as big a pot as you will need for the plant.
Optional: Play your plant some soft mellow music. Leave the stereo on fixed
on a station like WMJX or something. Don't keep it too loud, though.
Part 4: Preparation of the plant for 'consumption'
This is easy. Pluck the buds and let them dry out. Then smoke them. Most
people say: "hang the buds upside down to dry" I say no, don't do that. Just
lay them flat on a piece of wax paper or something. If you hang them all the
resin will go to the top of the bud and you will have killer weed at the top
but the rest of the weed will be so-so. If you lay them flat it assures even
distribution of the resin throughout the bud. Make sure you clean the buds
and remove all the seeds before smoking so you can assure yourself of a nice
smooth high and have the seeds for the second generation.
Part 5: Security and safety measures.
Yes, folks, the cultivation of Mary Jane, wrongfully so, is still illegal. So
we must keep on our toes to avoid an unwanted confrontation with the blue man.
This is what I suggest you do to ensure the safety of you and your plants:
1. -NEVER- leave ANY paraphanelia laying around. This includes pipes, bongs,
papers, roach clips, high times, screens, suture removers, seeds, the plant
itself, etc. A lot of marijuana busts happen because of the man being there
for some other reason and then they see something like a pipe, or roaches
in an ashtray.
2. Burn incense regularly, especially before/after/during getting high. This
will help cover up the unique smell of the smoke and the plant(s) growing
in your closet. You can also regularly dump a cheap but strong cologne
NEAR the area (NOT in the area) where your plants are growing to help kill
the smell once they start to bud.
4. Keep any plugs used for the lights hidden yet readily accessible in case of
a visit by the man so you can unplug them. A light in a closet or somewhere
where there really shouldn't be one might attract attention.
5. Just use common sense, if you have any.
Part 6: Criminal Minded's <tm> mini guide to enjoying your plants!
Now for some REAL entertainment!!
I, as a proud member of the cannabis culture, have music, movies, videos, TV
shows, places, etc, that I enjoy mixing with marijuana and here I present to
you a list of them. I have also compiled a list of different names for
Cannabis Savita (with the help of Wavy Gravy in a High Times article - that is
what I remember of them), and some other lists.
My top albums to listen to when stoned:
1. Pink Floyd: Dark Side Of The Moon
2. Roger Waters: The Pros And Cons Of Hitchhiking
3. Pink Floyd: The Final Cut
4. Pink Floyd: The Wall
5. The Doors: Greatest Hits
6. Led Zeppelin: -Any- album
My favorite music videos to watch when stoned:
1. Any Floyd/Waters/Gilmour
2. November Rain - GnR
3. Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
My top songs to listen to when stoned:
1. Pink Floyd: Time
2. Roger Waters: The pros and cons of hitchhiking, part 10
3. Pink Floyd - Breathe reprise
4. Pink Floyd: Comfortably numb
5. Pink Floyd: Not now John
6. The Doors: Riders on the storm
7. Led Zeppelin: Stairway to Heaven/All my love/Fool in the rain (3 way tie)
My favorite lyrics to ponder when stoned:
1. "I was standing on the leading edge. Jump! said Yoko Ono. I'm scared and
too good looking I cried. Go on she said. Why don't you give it a try?
Why prolong the agony, all men must die" (The Pros And Cons Of Hitch-
hiking, Part 10 - Roger Waters)
2. "Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day you fritter and waste the
hours in an off hand way. Kicking around on a piece of ground in your own
town waiting for someone or something to show you the way. Tired of lying
in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain you are young and life is
long and there is time to kill today and then one day you find ten years
have got behind you no one told you when to run, you missed the starting
gun and you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking and
racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in the
relative way, but you're older and shorter of breathe and one day closer
to death. Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines.
Hanging on in quiet desparation is the English way. The time is gone the
song is over, thought I'd something more to say..." (Time - Pink Floyd)
3. "Home, home again. I like to be here when I can. When I come in cold and
tired it's good to warm my bones beside the fire. Far away across the
field the tolling of the iron bell calls the faithful to their knees to
hear the softly spoken magic spells" (Breathe Reprise - Pink Floyd)
4. "We watched the tragedy unfold. We did as we were told. We bought and sold.
It was the greatest show on Earth. But then it was over. We oohed and
aahed. We drove our racing cars. We ate our last few jars of caviar. And
somewhere out there in the stars a keen-eyed lookout spied a flickering
light. Our last hurrah. And when they found our shadows grouped around
the TV sets they ran down every lead they repeated every test. They
checked out all the data on their lists and then the alien anthropologists
admitted they were still perplexed but on eliminating every other reason
for our sad demise they logged the only explanation left. This species
has amused itself to death" (Amused To Death - Roger Waters)
My favorite TV shows to watch when stoned:
1. COPS
2. Sightings
3. In Search Of
4. Ren And Stimpy
My favorite lines from songs:
1. Getting high all the time hope you all are, too - Edgar Winter
2. Everybody must get stooooooned - Dylan
3. Legalize it - Peter Tosh
4. Flyin' High Again - Ozzy
My favorite things to do when stoned:
1. Watch/Listen to a severe lightning/thunder storm
2. Watch any of the videos/movies/TV shows listed in this tfile.
3. Listen to any of the music listed in this tfile
4. Be any of the places listed in this tfile
5. Just relax and enjoy the high
My Hemp Hero:
Wavy Gravy, The Clown Prince Of Pot.
The "I Smoke Pot And I Have The Balls To Admit It" Award Goes Out To:
The Black Crowes for performing with a 48 foot x 24 foot banner with a huge
marijuana leaf on it.
My favorite movies to watch when stoned:
1. Pink Floyd: The Wall
2. The Doors
3. Altered States
4. Jacob's Ladder
5. The Hustler/The Color Of Money (tie)
Favorite sports to play when stoned:
1. Pool
2. Darts
Favorite Munchies Food:
1. Junk Food/Chinese Food/Chocolate/Anything!
My favorite places to be when stoned:
1. On a boat out in the middle of the ocean
2. An island
3. The beach at night
4. Mainly outdoors
Favorite Smoking Paraphanelia:
1. My water bong, Owen
2. My wooden and clay pipe
3. My stone and brass skull pipe
What I hate doing when stoned:
1. Staying indoors
2. Reading
3. Falling asleep
4. Working
5. Programming
Favorite beer to go with Mary Jane:
1. Budweiser, of course.
What I do best when stoned:
1. Come up with creative writing ideas
2. Be lazy
3. Eat
Hemp Aliases:
Boo, Grass, Green, Ganja, Gaje, Thunderfuck, Cheeba, Hooch, Smoke, Herb,
Pot, Dope, Weed, Mississippi Mud, Tea, Mary Jane, Spliff, Herbals, Skunk,
Cannabis, Cannabis Savita, Brick, Bread....
well, that's only a little over half of them...feel free to add a name to the
list and stick your name at the bottom under the part that says:
"Contributions:"
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one time text file and that you gained what
knowledge you needed to grow your own Mary Jane at home. I wish you all the
best success and don't forget to live by the "Crimmy Golden Rule":