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[ This contains both VanC0 Grommet files. It is rumoured that Ron S
VanZuylen has the largest collection of grommets outside the
Soviet Union. The second file was written by DBCooper, whose main
claim to fame is some silly hijacking or other. HBB ]
A:\TEXT\GROMMET.TXT (54 lines) edited by R.VAN with ST MicroEMACS
"HELP! THE GROMMET(*)'S MISSING!" from a book which does not exist because it
is a figment of my imagination. I think this text is considered public domain,
so you can distribute it at your own discretion (if it hasn't been altered in
any horrible/frightening way).
(*)GROMMET (grom'it), n. a metal eyelet, as in leather.
My father was sipping a tasty Rheinhessen on the back porch when a
clattering disturbed his oenophilic reveries. He looked up and, eyes agog,
stared blankly as the rest of the family lugged a huge box marked 'Gas Grill'
into view and dumped it huffing at his feet.
(They were huffing, not the gas grill; the gas grill huffed later on.)
"Happy Father's Day!" we (the family) crowed.
His ministrations of pleasure and affection amid the hubub of familial
excitement soon turned into thoughts of defenestration as he set about
assembling his newest toy.
Why? Here is a quote from the assembly manual and you'll see why:
"Affix hoop (18) to side standards (33) with provided long bolts after
first securing hub (4) through axle carrier (12) and side ribs (7). Repeat
procedure other side. View illustration."
Dad thought about throwing the instructions away right then and should
have, but my mother (referred to in the instruction manual as 'helper') was
the logical sort who believes her husband ought to 'do it right this time.'
So, he resigned himself to assistance from both manual and spouse and
sturdily continued assembling my his wonderful Father's Day gift.
He was distracted in this effort by the cat and the two-year-old who both
came curiously close to being killed when they reached the climactic chapter in
the instructions--you know, the one that tells how to 'insert Venturi tube
into line assembly (25), adjusting inlet valves to 1/8-inch windows while
drawing spark line (41) through eyelet.'
Dad was also distracted by the not-so-fond recollection of countless witty
Sunday magazine insert articles about self-assembly of Christmas bikes, gas
grills and household widgets. You know the kind: some depraved writer who had
to send the bike back to the manufacturer for repairs due to his botching the
job writes a funny piece in order to recoup his freight expenses.
This, by the way, isn't one of those articles. The gas grill works fine.
But my father's episode does bring to mind a couple of my pet theories about
kit-making.
The first is about the so-called 'ease of assembly'. What American
manufacturers do, I think, is have a group of employees write the instruction
manual. The product of their effort is then translated into Japanese or
Spanish (depending on where the kit is packed). Then, either a Japanese or
Mexican re-translates the manual into English again, prints it and stuffs it
in with all of the parts. That's my only explanation for the ponderous and,
yes, tortuous nature of instruction manuals.
My second theory is this: You can't fault the quality of workmanship if
you're the one who did it. So, if the drive chain on your kit-assembled ten
speed bike falls off, or if your gas grill blows up in your face, or if your
made-at-night-at-home color TV set only works on Channel 1, you only have
yourself to blame.
For sure you can't blame the family. Even if they never let you forget
about the ten speed color gas grill sitting useless on the back porch.
E.O.F. (End.Of.File)
* The Grommet Repair Manual: written 28-dec-85
edited 04-jan-86
Dedicated to Brendon: We Think You're SWELL!
==============================================================================
PATH:tutorial/repair/grommet/tgrm ==============================================================================
A VanCo TEXT-CO PRODUCTION
Welcome to the Grommet Repair Manual. This is the unofficial sequel to the
largely ignored "I had fun with a grommet" file written by R.Van some schmuck. This
file is meant to fill in some of the gaps that were left in the story line of
the previous story.
-----------------------------
PREFACE: Why Should I Care?
-----------------------------
The Grommet. The Grommet. Why do we care about a small, round peice of
metal? The grommet is actually considered by some historians to be much more
important in altering the course of history than television, the wheel,
deodorant, the printing press, and possibly even granola. The reality of
grommets is only beginning to surface as the following people stated in their
articles:
-------
Wade B. Hoyt: Grommets in a Historical Perspective
-------
...The Grommet is an amazing device that has been used during wartime and
peacetime, work and leisure, and to provide enjoyment and satisfaction to
millions...
-------
Abraham Johnson: Machines at War
-------
...The social and political unrest due to the invention of the grommet are
incredible, paralleled only by the atomic bomb, Jane Fonda, and the Muppets...
While many have rallied to control the dangers of nuclear weapons, few if any
have realized the dangers of the grommet. If society as we know it today is
to survive, we need to act quickly and efficiently to neutralize the dangers
of the lowly grommet.
-------
Anne DeKruyfer: Fashion Magazine
-------
...In this upcoming year, the hottest new item is the Grommet. Fashionable
items will definitely be belts, jackets and shoes with grommets for both men
and women; grommeted socks and briefs for the men; and leather lingerie with
grommets and steel buckles for the ladies... The grommet will definitely be a
hot item this year...
-------
John Harrison: Leather and Lace magazine
-------
...The Grommet is the hottest item to hit the Sado-Masochistic fashion scene
since chains, leather, or even tabasco sauce... Imagine you and your lover
bound together by grommeted leather straps ($13), unable to avoid her lashings
by a grommeted leather lash ($22). As you slowly caress her leather teddy
($37) you tighten the grommeted straps on her teddy to an almost unbearable
tension and slip the strap into the silver plated buckle as she screams in
ecstasy....
-------
Aaron W. Yellowitz: How To Make a Fortune with Tunafish
-------
...You must be careful when loading up your backpack with tunafish to sell
door to door. If you load up your backpack too heavily, you may hurt yourself
lifting it, or possibly pull out a grommet on the bag itself. I usually
suggest that you only carry seven 8-ounce cans of tuna at a time...
--------------------------
ONE: uses of the grommet
--------------------------
The grommet is one of the most overused pieces of hardware in existence.
The grommet is used in thousands of everyday items, many of which are so
commonplace that we seldom recognize them as one. some examples follow:
outdoor equipment: backpacks, tarpulins, clothing, tents
sporting goods: sails, climbing harnesses, trampolines, pool covers
computers: cable harnesses, diskette reinforcement, straightjackets
household items: window shades, nail clippers, nuclear warheads
There are hundreds more uses, and you can probably spot more in seconds by
searching through your own house.
Grommets have also influenced many other things. Some say that Madonna's
belly-button has the appearance of a grommet, although some say what really
looks like a grommet is about six inches lower. Grommet-like items have been
found in many styles of ancient architecture. As Don James once said "If I
was a piece of simple hardware, I'd most definitely be a grommet"
---------------------------
TWO: installing a grommet
---------------------------
The first, and most essential piece of equipment for grommet installation is
the grommet tool. The easiest way to purchase one is usually in a kit, with
an assortment of grommets included. The tool consists of three parts; the
setting tap, the anvil, and the punch. The punch is used with the anvil to
create the proper sized hole for the grommet. The material is placed on the
anvil, and the punch is placed over the hole in the anvil. A sharp blow to
the punch with the hammer will drive a hole into the material that should be
the proper size. The setting tap is used to force the grommet through the
hole and into it's proper shape.
The grommet is a specially shaped piece of metal that when shaped properly
can reinforce a hole so a rope, cable, or buckle can pass through without
ripping the surrounding material. Grommets come in five basic sizes, ranging
from 0 to 4 (4 being the largest). These may be purchased in hardware stores
without any licenses or restrictions.
Once the hole for the grommet has been cut, many grommet installation
experts recommend that the hole be heat-sealed to prevent fraying. This can
be done with a match, but it is preferable to use a soldering iron or a
woodburning tool. Remember, this is not necessary, but it is recommended for
a lasting, professional grommet installation.
The Grommet should now be installed using the setting tap. The author
recommends that you consult the instructions for your particular model, as
there are always some minor differences in operating procedure. The first
step is to find the proper size grommet, and then remove the male portion.
This portion is bigger, and somewhat longer than the female portion. The male
half should be slipped through the hole, and then should be laid face down on
the anvil. The grommet should be seated properly on the small ridges of the
anvil in order to insure a proper bind. Next, slip the female half over the
male portion. Note that the halves should face together tightly. Finally,
the setting tap should be placed on the grommet and struck with a hammer.
This will force the grommet halves together and bind them permanently.
--------------------------------------
CONCLUSION: what does all this mean?
--------------------------------------
I hope this article has alerted you to the hopes, struggles, despair, and
lives of people who deal with grommets on a daily basis. I also hope that you
have used this file to your advantage, as there are many grommet oriented
career options available today.
-------
Written by D.B. Cooper and the VanCo staff on 28-dec-85
Edited by R.Van and D.B. Cooper 09-jan-86
-- H a v e a N ic e D a y ...
(> Copy: "T e l l A F r i e n d ! "
! R e a d t h e o th e r g r e a t f i l es i n t h e V a n C o L i b r a r y !
Successful Write.
[ End ... ]