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File : HISTORY.TXT
Author : Iceman(NZ)
BBS : The Banana Republic BBS
Iceman's History of the World
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|A History of the World Based on a Piece of Fossilized Chewing Gum found in |
| the Sinai Desert during the 1973 Yom Kippur War |
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The blob of discarded chewing gum lay in the desert. A lone figure
leading a camel over the windblown sand dunes approached it. Bending down,
the Egyptian prince picked it up, whereupon it stuck to his fingers as
chewing-gum that has lain in the sun for a while tends to do. Obviously, the
was a God, which the price named Freedentis, meaning "the sticky one". Back
in Cairo, a magnificent temple was built in its honour. Every day at dawn, a
jubjub bird would be sacrificed to it in a short but poignant ceremony, by
smothering it in rose petals. The dead body of the bird would then be used
as fertilizer to grow more roses.
The Prince then went to pay homage to Napoleon, the Pharoah, and while in
his presence inquired of him why he found it necessary to invade the vast icy
steppes of Russia (he had been informed of this devastatingly interesting
fact by an unusually prescien t jubjub bird shorlty before it died). Napoleon
replied that he wanted more "Lebensraum" for his Volk, and that his tanks
would crush the Russian forces, and would you like me to answer any more of
your stupid questions or can I just get back to running the country?
Unfortunately that night all his tank drivers were killed by a plague of
locusts.
Freedentis now had a son called Spearmintis, shaped like a shocking pink
baby grand piano which was only ever capable of producing almost the same
note in several different variants of B flat minor. The famous hippie-beat
artist Aristotle was in favour o f dissecting him, but was violently opposed
by Beethoven and his good friend Michael Jackson.
Freedentis was greviously offended, and told Spearmintis to stick his head
in Mt.Vesuvius, which promptly erupted and buried the town of Matakatia in
its ashes. Spearmintis then came back and raised an army of Assyrians, led
by Rommel, to oppose Freedent is, but Freedentis' Roman mercenaries, also led
by Rommel, soon crushed him. Due to a slight disagreement, Rommel was later
turned into a piano lubricating head by Freedentis, who then coagulated and
was buried inside the Lincoln Memorial, named after a man he had known a few
years before he was born.
To celebrate, Spearmintis took a 767 flight to Angkor Wat, or at least the
site where Angkor Wat was going to have been after the planning division had
submitted its report to the works subcommittee. Here, his faithful Cossacks
crushed an inferior force of rebellious Mongols. Here also, he uttered the
famous words "Uuuurrggghh!!" as a parting burst of machine-gun fire from the
Mongols hit him in the stomach. He then returned to Cairo, where he also had
a son, known only by the cryptic moniker of PK. A fter that he died quietly
in a corner due to nervous discombooberation.
PK now mounted an expedition to see what lay beyond Otara, but was driven
back by fierce bands of Aztecs armed with slingshots and particle
accelerators. Most of his troops mamanged to escape, and fled to Memphis by
way of the Aegean Sea, with the help o f some friendly black natives in their
dugout paddle-steamers. Shortly afterwards, Memphis was destroyed when a
small planetoid crashed into it. The Southern Pacific flooded into the
crater, and as a result the Atlantic Ocean was created.
Suddenly, a great threat rose up from the South. An Inca Prince by the
name of Adolf Hitler, at the head of vast hordes of Scythians, was conquering
everything that stood in his way, and replacing whole villages with
well-laid-out holiday camps containin g some of the most advanced shower and
oven facilities ever created. One by one, Peru, South Africa, and
Constantinople fell to him.
To stop his "Domino Theory" plan, PK threw a giant domino at him, which
totally dominated the domineering dominion created by Hitler. As a result of
this great victory, PK decided to get married. He met Ceopatra every night
under the silvery moon, when then suddenly exploded for no adequately
explored reason. This created such high tides that for weeks the moon had a
red ring around it.
PK consulted the great priest Minamoto, who told him to stick his head in
an oil sump (preferably a used one). As a result, PK turned Minamoto into a
psychopathic flea, which was subsequently used as reactor fuel after trying
to hold up the Pony Express. Only minutes later, a giant Duracell (R) battery
fifteen miles high appeared above Cairo. Shortly thereafter, a large pink
jubjub bird flew from the left ear of the battery and descended to earth. As
the battery picked its nose in boredom, the bird la id a large egg which was
promptly crushed by a falling pyramid. The bird then returned to the
Duracell (R) battery, which disappeared in a flash of burnt-out filaments.
PK now had a son called Freshmintis, who liked nothing more than to roll
Vietnam-War surplus hand grenades down the aforementioned pyramid, which due
a freak high tide was now floating about two metres above the ground. One
day, one of the grenades, havi ng been tampered with by a Communist agitator
and possibly even a murderer, who had perpetrated the most cruel deeds
against his fellow South Africans, and all because he was on the payroll of
his masters far from these shores, imploded, and a huge whale fell on PK,
instantly turning him into a small green tesseract, which was subsequently
crushed by a landing 747.
Freshmintis now built a huge palace just outside his front door, and
proceeded to turn his house into a haven for battered moths (this was
subsequently extended to basted, marinated, and pre-tenderized moths after
complaints from the Moths Own Pressure Gr oup). He then went off to live in
his magnificent new palace. One day, as he was busy machine-gunning his
bedroom, a small carrier-pigeon arrived from one of his ministers to inform
him that he was living in the back of a disused Watties baked bean can p
arked on a campsite x-thousand miles away, where he had found a small maple
tree who was to be his friend. After eating the pigeon, Freedentis decided
to lock himself in the toilet until someone managed to conclusively prove to
him that he wasn't a fish. His son Mildmintis siezed this opportunity to take
over, and had the entire toilet block sealed inside a ping-pong ball, which
was then crushed inside a paraplegic sphinx.
Not less then four microweeks later, the air was suddenly rent with a wild
yelling as hordes of Red Indians parachuted down on the palace. The Etruscan
Palace guards were no match for the highly-trained Indian archers, and were
quickly disposed of. The only thing which stood in the way of a complete
victory for the Indians were three members of Mildmintis' elite Greek hoplite
infantry bodyguard armed with AK47's. As the palace thundered and shook with
the Red Indians' shells, Mildmintis used his Godlik e powers and summoned the
Fleas of a Thousand Camels to plague the Indians, who then withdrew to their
native Scotland, where they devoted themselves to breeding little green
sausages that go "Poo-pip poo-pip" all day long.
Mildmintis now journeyed to Ghana, where he was very impressed with the
earthworks there. Upon his return, he had a son, Juicyfruitis, who viewed
his main mission in life as tearing the wings off frogs and eating them. As
he grew up, he progressed to la rger things such as Ankylosauri, and as his
greatest achievement he actually succeeded in decapitating a Tyrannosaurus,
but it must be admitted that he was helped to some extent by his pet
mosquito, who, it was eventually established, did most of the work . (He was
then sued by the farmer from whose pen the Tyrannosaurus had escaped. The
farmer had almost won this precedent-setting case when he was suddenly and
mysteriously eaten by a rare species of carnivorous earthworm).
Juicyfruitis now decided to get rid of Mildmintis. He did this by
dropping a peanut with the approximate volume of four major planets on him,
and although only the peanut was damaged, Mildmintis got the hint and killed
himself shortly after lunch. Just before breakfast the next year,
Juicyfruitis recieved a bill from the power company for $893 million for the
electrically heated toilet seat he had forgotten to unplug seven hundred and
thirty-two years ago. With a sound faintly resembling a McDonalds ha mburger
(large size) hitting a 747 in mid-flight, he made a collect call via the
repeater on Saturn, and then launched into a long harangue about his uncle's
grumbling appendix as soon as he had raised the inverse operator.
If he had bothered to look out of the window at that moment, he might have
noticed the remote-controlled cucumber fitted with an outbord motor whizzing
towards him, but as he hadn't, he didn't. Suddenly, this first herald of the
Patagonian invasion was u pon him, and in the struggle to escape, the seventh
finger on each of his hands fell off, providing an interesting exception to
Murphy's Law. As he raced to don his pumpkin suit, the first drops of orange
juice were already beginning to fall.
At about this time he first heard of a young Jew by the name of Joseph,
and of his wife Madonna, who had reportedly told her husband to "get into the
groove" when she first met him. For some reason they had come to Egypt in
search of small red beetles to bronze and sell to American tourists (with or
without handbags). After breakfast, he sold his grandmother (not Ruth) for 2
zloty, 1 rial, and 6 pfennig, and with these ill-gotten gains bought a box of
bat manure which he used to teach his goldfish breas tstroke.
Finally, Freedentis got married, and legally registered his son
Supermintis, who was by now a year older than he would have been before had
he not been born on a leap-minute. Right from the start, he and his rubber
duck plotted to kill Freedentis. Final ly, they hit upon a clever plan.
While Freedentis flossed his teeth (which were rotten from too much chewing
gum), Supermintis raised a vast army of Ethyopian druids, and went on a "Long
March" across his backyard. Upon reaching Laos, he turned hard lef t, and
continued across the border to Morocco, where he met with fierce resistance
from the grass, which grew in the opposite way to the direction of the march,
due to the moon-worshipping cults practised there earlier this century. After
sealing the ent ire plain in radioactive asphalt, which was blamed on the
French a few millenia later, he continued north in the direction of Capetown,
and finally succeeded in taking its high-rise toilet block after a
thirty-second siege.
Due to the tremendous casualties incurred in the awesome battle with the
leafy plants of the South African tribal homelands, Supermintis killed his
second cousins brothers uncles sister twice removed, so that she become his
second cousins brothers uncles sister thrice removed, and devoted the rest of
her unlife to progressive speech therapy for tadpoles.
Supermintis now had a son called Arrowmintis, who was almost perfectly
normal, proided that you are used to a three-hundred pound glowing red frog
hanging around your back door. Arrowmintis loved to create picture frames,
until Somebody told him that it was physically impossible to have five right
angles in a square, whereupon he had Somebody shot, along with all his
family, friends, relatives, and their pet cat.
Almost three years passed before Arrowmintis developed his unique habit of
blowing up letterboxes for pleasure and profit, and then sellng the grieving
ex-owners sets of commemorative handkerchiefs and vaccuum cleaners. Only
three letterboxes ever escape d: one ran away, the second evolved suddenly
and flew off into the sunset, and the third walked around in ever-decreasing
circles until it reached its perihelion, whereupon it kepy right on going and
vanished into another dimension. Where the letterbox h ad been now lay a
large, pink, blue-speckled egg. Even as Arrowmintis watched, the egg turned
green, popped open, and disgorged a large roll of number eight fencing wire,
wrapped in Genuine New Zealand Sheepskin, despite the fact that the sheep it
was or iginally taken from desperately needed it to keep its insides in.
For some reason which, like this story, defies any rational explanation,
Arrowmintis decided it might be fun to make number eight fencing wire
soufflee, which he proceeded to do, using a reactor wrapped in number seven
fencing wire as his heat source. (B y the way, do not try this with your own
reactor). Despite the fact that it took slightly longer than usual to cook,
and was also slightly stringy, the soufflee was quite delicious, until it
decided to take over the world, whereupon it had to be put down .
At this very moment, an incredibly awesome event occurred. The fifteen
mile high Duracell (R) battery, having obtained a new set of filaments, made
a sudden but brief reappearance in the night sky above Cairo, as the
replacement filaments almost immdeiat ely went the same way as the first set,
thereby nearly outdoing the bright green sunlight emanating from the left
wing of a passing blowfly.
Arrowmintis now had a son called Juicymintis (doesn't rhyme with
"snooposcerus") who was inexplicably paranoid about meeting up with a
creature he referred to as a crockapotamus. His first act as God was to
construct a crockapotamus-proof pencil-case, wh ere he would spend many happy
hours giving psychiatric counselling to the tadpoles Supermintis' second
cousins brothers uncles sister thrice removed had been unsuccessfully giving
speech therapy to.
At about this time, Juicymintis' little finger began to act very
strangely, often coming home well after midnight with no explanation as to
where it had been. After checking it carefully to make sure that it wan't
just a Rastafarian in a clever disguise, Juicymintis satisfied himself that
it was, indeed, his little finger, and so had no qualms about throttling it
slowly to death with a piece of sharpened piano wire.
Now Juicymintis's cousin twice removed decided to throw a party for him,
which narrowly missed a major shopping centre, and later demolished the
Reichstag building in Cairo. The aforementioned cousin twice removed then
invited David and his pet killer-gu inea-pig Goliath to the party, where he
promptly got drunk on too much red ink, and was the life and soul of the
party for a full thirty-two seconds before he was suddenly and unexpectedly
shot by the sinister "Man With Two Rubber Bands In His Pocket". T he
guinea-pig, overcome with grief, decided to divorce his fur, and thus became
the first of the many electronic guinea-pigs that were to lead, eventually,
to the extinction of the dinosaurs.
Back at the party, some overblown plastic bottle took it upon himself to
make a full-length, feature chewing-gum commercial, and was subseqently
arrested for the incredible heresy of suggesting that God came in a
two-for-the-price-of-one pack, when everyb ody knew that God came in a single
pack only. The plastic bottle pleaded guilty to whatever it was he was
supposed to be accused of being guilty of even though he was innocent, not
guilty, but pleaded guilty to prove the guilty innocence of a possible an d
innocent "not-guilty" plea could prove him guilty, not innocent, if he was
not guilty, but guiltily innocent in the first place. He was then hung,
drawn, quartered, roasted, electrocuted, beheaded, boiled in oil, deep-fried,
had his fingernails pulled out, his ears nibbled off by specially trained
termites, and his eyes gouged out with a piece of number eight fencing wire,
which had somehow miraculously escaped being turned into soufflee by
Arrowmintis. He was then finally shot, except for his mouth, which was
killed seperately to prove once and for all that mice cannot be taught to
tap-dance.
A few days later, when the fire had died down somewhat, Juicymintis was
walking along the beach when suddenly he stumbled upon a haircut. Trying it
on, he thought it wasn't quite his style, and so he threw it back into the
lime-flavoured water. Just the n, a terrible storm broke out, with
pitch-fork lightning and swing-beat thunder. The sea rose up in great
mono-syllabic waves, which sneezed three times before breaking upon the
imitation mink sandwich someone had left lying on the beach. In the middle
of all this, it started snowing, and the small purple flakes hissed and
sizzled as they entered the cold sea-water. At about this time,
Juicyfruitis' pet one-legged spider died, and in honour of this great person
and human being (the spider, that is), a moments silence will now be
observed:
The spider was then buried in three inches of soft ice-cream, to
make sure that it didn't get too cold when the tide came in.
Juicymintis now had a son with the all-encompassing name of Hubba Bubba.
As he grew up, he loved to write poetry on the backs of TV antannae. What
this did for reception is anybody's guess, but the following poem, considered
by many to be the shortest i n the world, was found recently on the back of
the BBC antenna No.486 at PPPPPudddddingdddddallllle (or Puddingdale, without
the stutter) : " ! " This is regarded by some to be the most brilliantly
concise piece of poetry ever written, but others, especially the workers in
charge of cleaning out the receptables fitted at the backs of the more
expensive TV sets to catch the bodies of any dead cowboy s and injuns that
tend, on odd occasions, to fall out, tend to disagree.
The BBC was rather annoyed at this defacing of their TV antennas, and so
it set up a forest of dummy antennae in the hope of attracting Hubba Bubba to
them. But Hubba Bubba had the antennas gathered up and turned into mass
drivers, with which he bombarde d the BBC with corny poetry, until someone
stole his car keys, and the drivers stopped driving the masses massively
forward. The BBC decided it was time to take language lessons, and most of
its directors drowned themselves trying to swallow the nasty in edible
things. Upon hearing of this grave threat, Juicymintis ordered a nuclear
strike against the BBC, and his faithful Cossacks rushed to obey. Almost
everybody found this a very good arrangement, as they were able to cook their
dinners on the sidewal ks, and people would spend hours lying in deck-chairs
so as to develop healthy radiation-tans.
Of course, all this radioactivity did have some side-effects: It rained
for forty days and forty nights, and an enterprising young fellow by the name
of Alfred James Noah built a large boat, named the "Ark" after the noise his
mother-in-laws parakeet made when it was hungry, and offered to take people
on joyrides and hiking trips, but on its maiden voyage the Ark hit a Titanic
iceberg and sank it, even though icebergs are generally regarded as being
unsinkable. The iceberg was later copyrighted by P.T.Ba rnum and used to
emulate a guillotine that has been irradiated, dissloved in acid, reduced,
distilled, condensed, and finally frozen. By this process, Leo "Pussycat" da
Vinci tried to prove that thunderstorms were inversely proportional to wool
when plac ed in order of increasing symmetry, but instead succeeded in
showing that not all rocks have only an inside and an outside.
Hubba Bubba now decided to do away with Juicymintis, and passed
legislation to declare him obsolete, along with rasperry-flavoured rubbers
and nuclear-free bubble bath salts. This legislation became so entangled in
red tape that it took an army of men ar med with Geiger counters to find it.
The red tape was then dyed blue, and used as typewriter ribbon for binary
abacuses. The legislation turned out to be a piece of paper authorising the
brewing of pink flourescent tea by stick insects in .01 ml quantit ies, and
was eventually thrown out on grounds of total incomprehensibility, as for
some reason it was written in a marsupial version of Linear B.
At about this time, Juicymintis was attacked by a horde of dollarpedes,
angry about rampant inflation which had destroyed their centipede status.
They demanded that more money be put into circulation, and Juicyfruitis
referred them to an associate of his , who happened to be a great white
shark, but who was quite happy to arrange a loan for them at a suitable
horrendous interest rate. The dollarpedes, who could now pay him back and
revert to being centipedes again, were so happy about this that they spon
taneously exploded, blowing off the sharks dorsal fin, which sailed into the
kitchen of a nearby restaurant, thus creating the first recorded occurrence
of sharks-fin soup.
The chef of the aforementioned restaurant, angry at this explosive turn of
events, grabbed the nearest bag of quenuts (more advanced than peanuts), and
proceede to massacre them with his wife's knitting needles. This became
known as the "Knit-nut Massacr e", and was reenacted every year using real
live quenuts until the N.R.S.P.C.T.P.H.T.T.C.D.T.A.S.T. (Nearly-Royal Society
For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Poor Harmless Things That Cannot Defend
Themselves Anyway So There) intervened, and demanded that pe anuts (which are
less advanced than quenuts in case this hasn't been mentioned before), be
substituted, but unfortunately at about this time a major world war happened
to break out, and the entire area was obliterated.
At about the time the spaghetti trees usually come into bloom, Juicymintis
died of resonably natural causes, or about as natural as an HE mosquito can
get, and was buried in a little town called New York, which unfortunately
resulted in its becoming a maj or metropolis as every man and his alligator
wanted to take part in the bi-monthly Tree-Growing Competitions held there
anually.
Hubba Bubba now had a sone by the name of Freshfruitis, who, unlike most
of his ancestors, spent the first two hundred and twenty-one years, seven
months, two weeks, three days, sixteen hours, fourty-four minutes and 28.6281
+/- 186 x 10e-5 seconds (but d on't quote me on that) quite contentedly
locked inside a small metal box with the word "Puddytat" inscribed on the
lid. When he emerged, the first thing he did was to go on one of his
concreting binges, stopping only to argue with a passing catoblepas th at
Scandinavians are often blond, whereas many native Aquarians have weak
ankles. Then, when he had poured the last drop of concrete on the road
(which led to Rome, as of cource all roads do, except those that lead away
from Rome), he set off down it, ar riving in Rome at around the time when
Johannes Kepler was conducting his famous experiments on the specific gravity
of self-raising flour.
Once in Rome, he visited the building-site of the Colosseum, and had a
nice long chat with the Pope, who turned out to be quite a card (Ace of
Spades (Lemmy notwithstanding), to be precise). He then borrowed a car from
Henry Hertz, the famous discoverer of the vaccuum, and while he was crossing
the Atrium, his gearbox underwent a revolution and made off with he
high-heeled jeans. Freshfruitis now made his famous "Friends, Romans,
non-countrymen, lend me your gears!" speech, as he desperately needed them to
get his car back to Hertz, who was planning to rent it to Marco Polo, another
famous tourist, despite the fact that that cars had not yet been invented,
and wouldn't be invented for at least another three weeks.
Freshfruitis now had a son, Freshmintis II, with the unlikely-sounding
nickname of Umbertovladistockenburgerson, which, along with his title, was
usually abbreviated to "U2". U2 now decided to dispose of his
great-great-great grandfather, who for some ph enomenally inexplicable reason
was still alive, in a most ingenious manner. A waiter was to poison his
ashtray, and when he was sure it was quite dead, to replace it with a
radioactive tapioca plant, which would explode just before dinner, setting
off al l the other plants in the room and bringing the whole hotel down on
top of Supermintis, but unfortunately he died of old age a few minutes before
this was to occur, as did his son Arrowmintis a few months earlier when the
same thing was to happen to him.
While U2 was planning his pesticide on these two clapped-out geriatrics,
his grandfather Hubba Bubba was busy giving orders for the entire garrison of
Fort Apocalypse to be drowned in warm beer. Unfortunately an apocalypse
prevented him from carrying out this plan, and turned him into a plumber into
the bargain. He was then accidentally beheaded by the Boilermakers Union for
not having gone on strike for nearly two years.
U2 now deicded to bump off his father Freshmintis, and hired a squad of
glowworms to bring this policy into effect. Unfortunately, they hardly
produced a glowing report of success, and U2 fairly glowed with fury when
they informed him of their failure. But then at about the time when Egypt and
Yugoslavia were defoliating each other's deserts, Freshmintis died after
catching a non-contageous version of Beethovens ninth at a
"Bring-your-own-Molotov" cocktail party (the kind of party where the
invitations tell you to bring a *broken* bottle).
U2 now had a son by the name of Mildmintis II, who was a great fan of
television, and one day, after viewing a Concerto for Football Hooligans and
Orchestra, he was suddenly dazzled by the visage of Ace Reported Dan Druff,
who presented him with the follo wing commentary (gift-wrapped in several
appealing colours): "News reports have been trickling in all day, and now it
has finally been confirmed that the Auckland Harbour Bridge is STILL THERE.
Later on in the program we will be interviewing a lady who claims to have
actually crossed the bridge on her way to work this morning, and....". Bored,
he told the TV to shut up, which completely upset the poor thing, and led it
to declare war on all humanity and then some, which ultimately culminated in
the ter rible Wars of the Roses. These began with an attack on Cairo by yet
another army of Ethiopian druids which were eventually repulsed by a French
Chef throwing High Explosive muffins an anything that moved, or looked like
it might some day move, or might h ave moved at any time during the past
thousand years or so. The second phase of the Wars of the Carnations was the
infiltration of the Buzzing Beehive with Labour Party members not loyal to
the Great Leader, who not only believed in the supremacy of a be ing known as
the Great Yellow Television Set, but also put forward their rather
questionable theory that apple trees were more tame than oak trees, and even
went so far as to state that they were herd creatures, and that no orchard
can really form an opin ion of its own.
The third phase of the Wars of the Petunias was the famous Battle of the
Bottle, with the two generals, Metric and Electric, using all sorts of
devious tricks and overripe tomatoes to get at each other. Metric managed to
catch Electrics rearguard napping , and stuffed all four of them into bean
chairs to use as tadpole fodder. This became known as the Metric System.
General Electric now retaliated by provoking an Industrial Revolution, in
which many leading industrialists were beheaded, and had their di sembodied
heads flattened out and used to Balance the Budget. This culminted in a force
of 40,000 specially trained sheep, shouting their battlecry of "Maximise
Casualties", invading the Kingdom of Hawaii after a long overland march,
until they were repu lsed by a Russian force using the newly-discovered
Ceylon Tea effect.
At this time, the population of the earth was increasing by thirty million
every Thursday, and England had just foundered and sunk, leaving a small blot
of pollution known forever afterwards as "Nakkarov laf elokail lertonovsky"
to the Russians, and some other fantastic name to those not in so much of a
hurry. (The Russians were also the party responsible for contaminating the
moon with bread mold, though they tend to dent this vehemently).
Mildmintis II now went on a Great Quest to justify his existence, and
almost three milli-weeks later he not only discovered that the Pentagon was
originally intended as a modification of the flush toilet, but he also found
a highly interesting document de scribing the history of the motto "First
things first, but not necessarily in that order", no doubt a reference to the
great Wolfgang Amadeus Mozzie, inventor of the buzzbomb and underarm
deodorant. He also rediscovered the Apparatus of Eirrgkk, built fo r Pope
Johnpaulpiusstevenpeter II and wallpapered with genuine imitation white sand,
until it became involved in the Wars of the Tulips, and was used as a gun
turret in the Battle of the River Plate, and later on in the Battle of the
Flat and Oblong Plate . This nearly caused a riot in downtown Ireland -
nearly, as of course Ireland sank along with the rest of England.
Mildmintis II now had a son by the name of Juicyfruitis II, who for some
incredible reason preferred Russian bread mold to English-speaking strains.
While this had no effect on the breeding cycle of the common tadpole, it did
have something to do with t he high divorce rate among rolls of number eight
fencing wire a few kilo-minutes later. Due to this, Mildmintis II became
obsessed with the conecpt of three-dimensional paint, and eventually
underwent a curious metamorphosis into a small blue penguin, wh ich then
tried to blow up Baba Yaga's Hut (a cousin of the famous Jabba), and was
finally accidentally shot with two shotguns, three rifles, two pistols, and a
cruise missile. Juicyfruitis II decided he needed a break, and took a bus to
Mexico to have a look at the Great Wall of China there. After demolishing a
part of it to make way for a 1-hole golf course, he proceeded to set up a
Commission of Enquiry to determine whether it was true that no two snowflakes
*are* truly alike. This created a storm of protest among the peoples of
Europe (except of course England, which sank some years earlier), who
demanded that snowflakes be left alone. as they were a gentle and
peace-loving race (barring the occasional minor nuclear conflict), and had
kept well wit hin the limits set by the SALT and PEPPER treaties. This was
greeted with enthusiasm by the Mexicans, as due to a translation error the
protest came out as an authorisation for the massacre of blowflies by
squashing them with bales of number eight fencin g wire after splattering
them with giant flyswats woven out of number seven fencing wire.
Juicyfruitis II now had a son, Freshmintis II, who vaguely resembled a
cross between a fish. This curious mixture then set about killing his father
by luring him into a large bottle, which was then corked and put in permanent
geostationary orbit around i tself, thereby instantly disproving Newton's
Theory of Relatives, which among other things stated that it is impossible to
have such a thing as a second cousins brothers uncles sister thrice removed.
About 2 milliyears +/- 28.2 kiloseconds later, Freshmintis II staged a
major revolution to overthrow Hubba Bubba. The sound of explosions, gunfire,
artillery, and machinegun fire filled the air, and here and there people were
actually shooting at each ot her. At last Hubba Bubba was deep-fried by the
nearby explosion of a shell fired from one of Freshmintis II's 210mm
pocket-portable nuclear howitzers, also killing his PM, a Russian by the name
of Knickersov, who unfortunately was so stupid he thought a Soviet was a
table napkin, which no doubt was one of the things that later led to the
rebirth of chauvinism among male pigs. It's a very mild winter we're having
for this time of the year, isn't it? Freshmintis II now had a son by the name
of Spearminti s II, who never really liked yoghurt until his father was
suddenly and unexpectedly killed by a homicidal jelly-baby.
Spearmintis II now decided to catch a bus, but after running after it for
a while, he gave up and caught a large pink taxi instead. After making sure
that no-one near him was eating apple strudel, he sat down, always on the
lookout for low-flying whales (which meant that that weather was going to
change). Spearmintis II now declared war on Antarctica, in retaliation for
the Patagonian invasion of Uganda many moons earlier. This declration
succeeded in inflaming the fiery Scottish Highlanders, which in itself was
not much use as they had all died when England sank.
Spearmintis II now had a son called Supermintis II, with the serial number
11001011010111011001111001000101 binary or 177545 octal, which meant that not
only was he responsible for keeping the corridor free of drifting icebergs,
he was also the only perso n alive who could speak simultaneously. This sent
shock-waves around the world, and as a result for months the Sahara desert
was completely free of the bright yellow snowstorms which used to plague
travellers across Central America. Another side-effect of this was that not
only did it pave the way for the construction of the Transatlantic Railway,
it also made ballpoint pens perfectly legal.
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At this point the printed transcript ends. There is quite a bit more,
stored in the attic somewhere, scribbled handwriting on yellowed paper, but
f'd if I can remember where it is (or be bothered looking).
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AUTHOR : Iceman(NZ)
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Brought to the WORLD by The Banana Republic BBS, Auckland, New Zealand.
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