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File : DICTATE.TXT
Author : El Presidente
BBS : The Banana Republic BBS
El Presidente Productions Presents
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El Presidente's Tutorial for Sysops
First Movement in A Minor
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INTRODUCTION
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So many Sysops these days are unaware of their obligations,
both to their Users and to the wider community as a whole.
This Tutorial has been written in an effort to rectify this
sad and lamentable state of affairs. This tutorial is not
written in an effort to "energise" your BBS, nor is it
written to help those drivelling, moronic, banal, puerile
idiotic, crapulent, pathetically sad excuses for Sysops (who
are after all beyond help!); rather it is written in order to
educate those Sysops, who although performing their duties to
a reasonable level are unaware of the true scope of their
abilities and responsibilities.
LESSON 1 - Be a Dictator
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Some Sysops shy away from the idea that they are in fact
dictators. This is sad; quite apart from the fact that
everybody knows that they are dictators they are denying
themselves a great deal of fun.
FACT 1: Sysops are DICTATORS.
Once you realise you are a dictator you open a whole world of
possibilities both for yourself and your users.
LESSON 2 - Your TRUE Nature
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Realise your true nature. Once you have truly decided you
are a dictator you must begin to act like one. Do EXACTLY
what YOU want. Don't take your Users into account AT ALL!!
Be a bastard. Abuse any User you decide to (particularly New
Users), whether they deserve it or not. Delete and purge
Users on a whim (more about purges later). Remove files, or
directories without telling anybody. Never explain anything
you do. It is ESSENTIAL that you do exactly what you want,
you are not accountable to anybody. Remember you're a
dictator after all.
LESSON 3 - Users
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As a dictator a User exist for only one purpose, as a toy for
the bored Sysop. As a dictator you have NO obligations to
your Users whatsoever. Do whatever you like to them. Swear
at your Users, abuse them, annoy them, torment them, don't
feed them for weeks on end (it makes them more irritable, and
hence, more fun) and above all enjoy yourself at their
expense.
New Users
New Users are even more FUN!! New Users have even less of a
right to life, liberty and the pursuit of a chat from the
Sysop than REAL Users. As a Sysop and more importantly a
dictator you should make New Users fill out ALL sorts of
idiotic questions in order to "validate them" (hehehehe).
However these questions should include several important
details (which you should check quite rigorously).
THE important details:
- The User's REAL Name
so you know who the hell they are!
- The User's Phone Number
so you can ring them up to abuse the SHIT out of them.
- The User's Address
so you know where to post the letter bomb.
- The User's Age
so you understand the age of the putrescent jibbering
mass of slime your dealing with (useful for making sure
you don't leave message that exceed their age to
vocabulary ratio).
- The User's Sex
so you don't "hit on" the wrong sex (could be HIGHLY
embarrassing).
- The User's Computer
so you know what type of virus to dig out of your "How
to Write Virii in Five Easy Steps" book.
- Some Incriminating and Highly Embarrassing Details about
the User
to blackmail them of course!!! (possibly into a date if
they're of the right sex/age group).
There are some important points to note in dealing with New
Users:
1) Never answer a New User's chat request, it just makes them
uppity and makes them think you are their to cater to
their every whim (HAH! as if!).
2) Don't reply to a New User's messages (it only encourages
them). ESPECIALLY if they DEMAND that you "let them on "
(this is a clear sub-concious desire on their behalf to be
deleted and LOCKED OUT!!).
NB. There is an exception to this rule.
If you would rather write a reply to them - DO IT.
Remember you're the dictator!
3) GIVE THEM HELL!!!
LESSON 4 - Purges
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FACT 2: Only Stalin REALLY understood the importance of
regular purges.
Purges are a truly important part of any dictators "bag of
tricks". As a dictator you must realise that the average
User responds really well only when threatened and
terrorised (exploit and use this fact!). Purges are a means
to this end.
Purges should be held both regularly and on the spur of the
moment. A regular purge should be held regularly (obvious
eh?!) and should be WELL advertised! Advertising your
regular purges will have all the Users wondering just who is
about to go this time. Regular purges can also be used to
reward a User. Pick a User, advertise the fact and get them
involved in the actually purging - GREAT FUN!! Irregular
purges should be held spontaneously (ie. when you're
annoyed!!), just purge anybody that annoys you, maybe you
don't like their name, they haven't left you a message for
too long, or just choose a few at random.
Purges are also a particularly good way of weeding out the
New Users. Well at least you know that the ones that re-
apply must REALLY want to become a User.
LESSON 5 - Mail
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There is only one lesson concerning mail - the Sysop OWNS all
of it.
Do whatever you like to it. Re-address it. Delete it.
Change it. Whatever tickles your fancy, do it.
LESSON 6 - Sexual Deviations
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(Well I had to include something on sexual deviations)
The only correct and proper sexual deviation or perversion
for a sysop to entertain is BANANAS. It is as simple as
that.
(for more information on Banana Perversion refer to El
Presidente's "The Fetishist Guide to Fun with Bananas")
FINALLY
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So you have know earned the right to call yourself a dictator
3rd class. Remember to do exactly what you want, as many
times as you want (contrary to popular rumour, your modem
will not fall off!!) and as you watch your final User log-off
for the last time, console yourself with the fact that at
least you're a damn good dictator.
FEES
----
Fees for this the first course of study, in the series of 69,
amount to a total of $34.28 + tax. No cheques accepted. All
fees to be sent to:
El Presidente
c/o The Banana Republic BBS
FURTHER STUDY
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Further courses of study (2-69) may be ordered through:
El Presidente
c/o The Banana Republic BBS
20/12/89
El Prez.
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AUTHOR: El Presidente
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Brought to the WORLD by The Banana Republic BBS
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