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File : BRPARTY.TXT
Author : Iceman(NZ)
BBS : The Banana Republic BBS
27/11/89 The BR Party - Official Report
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Note that this report mainly mentions modem-users, since I don't know most
of the others, and since they have no modem they can't read this anyway.
At 5:30 we headed off in the general direction of Outer Siberia, the secret
residence of Mack the Knife. After admiring his amazingly realistic digitized
flushing toilet, we made our way in the direction of the Presidential Palace,
with Kamakoza demonstrating his hair-raising "comb-your-hair-with-both-hands-
while-driving-at-120kph" technique to a terrified Mack. Unfortunately we were
unable to figure out a flight plan that tied in Glenfield, Chez Knife, Ponsonby,
and the Presidential Palace, so Black Adder was left to find his own means of
transport (he finally turned up at 9:45 wearing a "Hacker" T-shirt).
After some skilful navigation, helped by the ominous thunderhead parked
smack over the top of the Palace (no doubt set up by LP as an aid to
navigation), we entered the sumptuous residence from whence our beloved
Presidente conducts all his operations. Gradually more people began to arrive,
and after being introduced to most of the people present and engaging in
various polite introductory pleasantries such as Mack's enquiring of Trillian
whether she "preferred ribbed or raspberry-flavoured ones", the Iceman paying
back a $20 debt to LP in 2, 5, and 10 cent pieces, and worried noises about the
lack of beer, the drinking started to get under way at around 7pm.
In the meantime a group of us were carrying out a detailed recon of the
palace. After discovering that even the phone was yellow, we were shocked to
find, upon removing the cover under which LP had furtively tried to conceal his
computer, that it bore the dreaded IMAGINEERING logo! Even worse was the
subsequent discovery of a C64 on the premises! This lead to a round of nasty
comments about C64's, Spectrums, and ZX81's best left forgotten in an alcoholic
haze.
Then followed sundry incidents such as Bat Bastard offering star mention in
the next episode of Spheroids if only someone, *anyone*, would accept an
autographed copy, Paul offering a $200 bribe to anybody who would throw up over
Jane, and Sheila offering her all down the back of the house (You mean she never
made you that offer? Oh well, she must recognize quality hardware when she sees
it).
As the evening progressed, talking donwstairs was occasionally interrupted
by loud drunken cries as various people were duped into drinking in a game with
complex rules, rules so complex in fact that that nobody could quite remember
them, an obscure drinking game whose basic tenets were transmitted to us via
ancient tablets with unsteady inscriptions. And in the meantime, where was our
beloved Presidente?? Rumour had it that he had just about "got his girlfriend
there" on the phone, an act he had secretly confided to the Iceman that he had
never quite managed before.
The Iceman was at this point showing his amazingly tactful nature by
introducing himself to he personage whom he thought was Jane with the words
"No, you're not wearing any vomit, you can't be Jane". Trillian, in the
meantime, was busy getting "Not drunk, just relaxed", and Mack was engaged in
developing his lethal 25d6 breath weapon, something that has been known to drop
cows at 50 paces. In fact the death of several acres of natural bush around
Varsity can be singularly attributed to Mack's having BREATHED on them.
LP was at this point still enganged in a long session of psycho-acoustic
dildonics with is girlfriend (sex via telephone for the non-technical types),
the Iceman was busy spiking his own 7-up with 7-up, and Trillian had just
discovered that the leg she was stroking was not her own but, in fact, belonged
to Mack the Knife. In the meantime, LP had reappeared and was busy mixing a
fairly lethal molotov cocktail for Black Adder out of a hidden cache of Secret
Ingredients that Marlon Shakespeare had been guarding all evening. Black Adder
then unsuccessfully tried to burn down the Presidential Palace by lighting this
mixture (unfortunately without much success).
A few notable abscences were noticed by those present: Pharlap Johnson,
who had been forced at gunpoint to attend someone's 21st; Hacman Jr (who was
later locked out of the BR by a small but vociferous group of drunks); Cuzzin
It (he who is most famous for turning up at a lecture for a course he doesn't
take, talking loudly at the back, and dismantling the fittings and passing
pieces of them around the class); and "a short guy with an Adolf Hitler
haircut" whom everyone else knew as the infamous Mike. This was made up by the
fact that George arrived at 9:00 with two dozen cans of a certain amber liquid,
and immediately joining the ongoing game of Mexi, which a very "relaxed"
Trillian was being taught how to play, but being too "relaxed" to grasp the
rules she merely rolled the dice and drank some obscure mouthwash she had
brought with her when told by anybody, and in fact on random occasions when
prompted by voices inside her head, probably the nanomachines.
But Trillian was not the only "relaxed" person around by this time.
Kamakoza, after mumbling something cryptic about "Sorry, the sysop of A.C.E.S.
is unavailable for [C]hatting due to the fact that he is violently drunk", had
collapsed and gone to sleep under a table; a person who bore a striking
resemblance to LP was seen crawling around under the Mexi table after quaffing
large quantities of a sinister high-octane mixture best left undescribed; and
in fact about half the BBS's in Auckland were potentially out of action due to
inebriated sysops.
However it was not only the sysops who had reached this state. Mack, after
long debate and holding an "S"-shaped piece of metal up to the wall, finally
decided: "It's an 'S'!", to which Paul commented: "You've been watching Sesame
Street again haven't you Mack?".
Shortly thereafter rumours of food upstairs began to be perpetrated by
strange people with bulging eyeballs and an unsteady gait. After LP had
succeeded in completely convincing his parents that he had not been drinking
("I's a natural high; it's euphoria. I *haven't* been drinking"), we all
proceeded to stuff our faces with pizza, sandwiches, pizza, chicken, funny
pastry thingies filled with pet food, and more pizza, followed by the kind of
sponge cake with cream that has been designed by a team of experts to be un-
eatable without getting most of it all over your fingers. Some of us were
experienceing difficulties eating however: Mack was unable to decide whether
to eat his pizza or his plate; unable in fact to tell what was his pizza and
what was his pate, and in the end deciding the stale one must be the plate.
After the feed, Bat Bastard noticed a ready supply of banana's lurking on a
side table, and, after cruelly breaking one in two, offered it to LP as the sad
remnants of Barri. Unfortunately LP had trouble believeing this due to a fake
Barri double being planted in his pocket by a group of Communist agitators.
There follwed a mad search for the REAL Barri, which eventually culminated in
his mysterious reappearance a short while later. Those responsible have since
been shot.
Jane was at this point still "unadorned", but there were bets being laid in
certain quarters as to how long this would last. In the meantime LP had
retired to the garden for some fresh air, and after some concern about his
turning into a banana at midnight it was decided to kick Kamakoza "Sleeping
Beauty" off his mattress and slide it under LP. Shortly thereafter Herr Flick
arrived, and it immedately became obvious why he was graced with this nickname
(maybe it was the glasses, I dunno).
At about 1am the doormat became Kamakoza by stages, and after rounding up
Mack the Knife from where he was busy molesting an old tire, we headed off home.
"Where do you live Mack?? Do you remember your name Mack??". Rumour has it
that he found his way home OK. A phone-call by an anonymous person with and
unidentifiable accent later confirmed that most people had survived the party,
and that the Presidential Palace, if not the Presidential Reputation, was still
more-or-less intact.
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Happy 20th Birtday LP and thanks to his parents for putting on a great
feed, putting up with loud music, a drunken Presidente, and most of the
BR users and LP's friends (both of them).
Prepared by The Iceman
Chronicler to Royalty and also the BR.
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AUTHOR: Iceman(NZ)
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