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File : BEAU.TXT
Author : Trillion
BBS : The Banana Republic BBS
Baron Beauregard of the Baskervilles "The Bastard"
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A Gothic saga, the story of Beau Banana, recently encountered in Australia
and, at present staying in my courtesy cell, introduced and commended to my
care by El Presidente (all hail our glorious leader!)
Beauregard's story begins in Barcelona where he read in an English
newspaper one day of the search for the lost heir of the Baskervilles.
Some few weeks later headlines in London read "Baron Beauregard Banana
of the Baskervilles reveals brown birthmark-claims inheritance."
At Baskerville Hall, Beauregard also known as "The Bastard" formerly
believed to be born on the wrong side of the baronial blanket is now proved
to be the true son begotten by bawdy Baron Brian Banana, whose demise during
a baronial banquet had brought much relief to the burghers of his benighted
barony.
Beau (The Bastard), settled right in to the life of an aristocratic
banana - breakfasts brought to the bedside by Bracegirdle the Butler banana
and bountiful banquets every evening in the baronial banquet hall. He
disported himself around the village of Baskerville, sinking many a barrel of
beer at the Baskerville Bull and Bush Beef and Burgundy Bar, and bonking
Beryl Banana the Barmaid between exercising his rights of droit de seigneur
much to the fury and bafflement of the bucolic bachelor bananas about to be
wed.
BUT!!!!!
One morning he woke up and discovered he was BROKE, basically bankrupt!
No further supplies could be bought from the Butcher, the Baker or the
Brewery banana without BIG BUCKS!
After consulting with the British Old Boys Banana vine (like a grapevine
but more yellow than blue-blooded), he heard of the beautiful blonde Lady
Barbara Banana, sole beneficiary of the Bumper Biscuit Business, because
her only brother Barri was missing, believed battered during a spell as a
mercenary in some Bahamanian Beaurocracy.
Beau (The Bastard) cunningly contrived to have this beauteous blossom of
British bananahood invited to what was a seemingly above board Banana Ball,
but was in fact a bizarre bacchanalia attended only by the basest of bananas,
whereupon her honour being compromised, she was forced to agree to become
betrothed to Beau and call the banns.
So, the blushing bride Barbara became bound to Beauregard the Bastard, the
Blackguard!
Betrayed and bewildered, once Beau got his hands on her business and
cleaned out the balance of her bucks, broken-hearted Barbara was unable to
bear Beau's brutal behaviour, SO...one breakfast-time she balanced on the
balcony, before biffing herself off the building, breathing her last as she
bashed into the blackberry bushes beneath.
Beau was briefly belligerent at having to bear the brunt of a burial, but
banked on being able to bowl ahead with his natural pursuits unencumbered
thereafter by his bewailing bride.
BUT
Bastions of British Blue Bloods were not about to let Baron Beauregard
remain blameless over his behaviour.
Extreme pressure was brought to bear, not the least of which were loud
broadcasts of "The Ballad of Lady Barbara" by the Bard, until Beau the
Bastard just couldn't be bothered battling it anymore.
Bundling up his ill-begotten bounty he bought a berth on a Brazilian
bound brigantine, boarded, but disembarked while the boat was berthed in
Brisbane.
How he encountered El Presidente is quite another story.....
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AUTHOR: Trillion
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Brought to the WORLD by The Banana Republic BBS
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