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...presents... Interview with Barbie
by Clench
>>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<<
-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
We visited Barbie in her palatial shoebox underneath my bed. She was
fetchingly garbed in the latest designer fashion, scaled down to fit her petite
8" frame. In spite of her advanced age, there was no noticeable sag or
deterioration, aside from a slight scaliness to her synthetic skin. Though
reluctant to speak, at first, she later became quite talkative, as the
following transcript reveals.
Clench: I'd like to thank you for allowing us to conduct this interview. I'm
sure that many of our readers will be fascinated with a "behind the scenes"
look at the lifestyle of Barbie, the little plastic doll that lives in a
shoebox underneath my bed.
Barbie: ...
Clench: So, Barbie, according to a recent _Newsweek_ article, you represent
the Jungian Archetype of the "dream date." Would you care to comment?
Barbie: ...
Clench: Reluctant to speak, eh? Well, that's hardly surprising considering
the feelings of inadequacy you are reputed to have instilled in an entire
generation of women....
Barbie: ...
Clench: You seem surprised by my comment. Has it never occurred to you that
your buxom figure is, shall we say, uncommon by conventional standards? That
it is, nay must be, considered an exaggeration of the secondary sexual
characteristics that women perceive men most desire?
Barbie: ...
Clench: I can tell by your blank look that I'm not making myself completely
clear. Let me try again. Your breasts are, some would say, extravagantly
large. Yet, in spite of their size, they have a distinctive conical firmness
which is virtually unequalable by mere flesh and blood. Further, the size of
your breasts is accentuated by your slim, svelte figure. When taken as a whole
with your long supple legs, your figure, overall, can be viewed as nothing
short of angelic. Would you care to comment?
Barbie: ...
Clench: I hope your silence doesn't indicate that I've offended you. I sense
a connection between the two of us, as of two souls reaching out across the
void, desperately struggling to find completion.
Barbie: ...
Clench: I've embarrassed you now, I can tell. Perhaps we should move on to
more mundane subjects. What of Barbie, the early years. What were the true
formative factors which have made you the individual you are today, loved by
millions, young and old?
Barbie: ...
Clench: Reluctant to speak of your past, eh? Some deep, dark, tawdry secret
you would strive to keep obscured? Something nasty, smutty, and entirely out
of keeping with the image you have so carefully crafted for yourself?
Barbie: ...
Clench: So, unable to confront the sordid truth, eh? Miss Perfect Plastic
isn't all sweetness and light after all, eh? Why don't you tell us about it
Barbie? Why don't you tell us about the innocents you crushed beneath your
stiletto heel during your shameless self-advancement? Tell us about your
clawing, struggling, squalid self-promotion. Tell us how you engineered and
manipulated your way to the top!
Barbie: ...
Clench: Don't want to talk, eh? Well, we have ways of finding out what we
want to know. Tell us the truth, you scheming bitch!
Barbie: *snap*
Clench: Didn't like that, did you! Bwahahahahaha! There's more where that
came from!
Barbie: *snap*
Clench: Not Miss Perfect American Teen anymore, now, are we! Gonna be pretty
hard to put on your gold-lame' evening formal wear without any arms, isn't it!
Bwahahahaha!!!
Barbie: *pop*
Clench: Don't look so attractive without that silky blond hair either, do you?
Tell us what we want to know, tell us now, or else!
Barbie: *crunch* *snap* *pop*
Clench: That'll teach you, you faithless wench! Little miss innocent wasn't
so innocent after all, was she? Let's see how you like the garbage
dispose-all.
Barbie: *whirrrrrrrrrr* *kaCHUNG* *CRACKACRACKACRACK* *REEEEEEEEEEEE*