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! !
! How to Bother, Disturb, Kill, !
! Perturb, and Upset your local !
! Mormons. !
! !
! By: The Prophet !
! !
! Along with some cool ideas from: !
! The Metallian !
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! Call these genocidal systems: !
! !
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! The Metal AE/PW:KILL.(201)879-6668 !
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! Presented By: !
! !
! Metal Comunications Inc. !
! & !
! The Neon Knights !
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! Note: If you are a Mormon, we !
! sincerely hope you are offended !
! by this material !!!!!!!! !
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FOR MORMON HATERS ONLY
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First off, I really hope that the
ideas brought up here will be very
helpful and useful to you. If you are a
Mormon hater (which for your own sake I
hope you are), you will undoubtedly
want to try some of them.
In this there will be quite a wide
range of ideas, from something as
simple and harmless as stacking a
locker to arson.
When you're done reading this and
you want to go and try some of the neat
things you learned, remember that you
are fully responsible. We take no
responsibility for three-alarm fires
or mass-murders because this is, more
or less, a joke (at least, it's
supposed to look like it).
Okay, here is how to bother,
disturb, kill, perturb, and upset your
local Mormons.
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1) BOTHERING THEM
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If you are going to do anything,
you must start by bothering them. That
way you can start nice and simple and
then build up to a climax. When you
bother a Mormon, you must realize that
these dicks are supposed to be nice
little boys and girls, so you want to
push their tempers as far as you
possibly can. If they act like they
are supposed to, it will take a lot to
reach the end of their fuse. Ocasionally
there will be a bad Mormon who will
fight back. This doesn't happen too
often, but when it does, be careful.
In any case, a good rule to follow is
just push them as far as you possibly
can.
A good, simple way to start is just
by stacking their locker. You just add
one thing to how you would normally do
it. You want to make sure that their
books are stacked very steep, and then
on top of them you put a bowl of hot
soup or else something very hard to
clean like grease. If they don't move
back too soon, which they probably
won't, they will get nailed by the
books and the hot soup and/or grease.
The next step comes during lunch,
or whenever you are around a Mormon
eating food. There are three possibil-
ities to choose from, whichever seems
to be the most convenient at the time:
1) Food/drink in hair
2) Food/drink down shirt/inside bra
3) Food/drink down pants
Obviously self-explanatory. Grab food,
smear in hair, shove down shirt, or put
in pants. For the hair food is best,
preferrably something like maccaroni &
cheese, and for the shirt/bra and pants
some sort of liquid is definitely best.
Anyway, after you do this, it would be
a very good idea to get out of there
fast.
The last step of the "bothering"
phase is slashing the tires on their
car. I certainly hope that you don't
need any instructions on how to do
that. And if they don't have a car,
take the next step down and slash the
tires on their bike. Most likely they
will have a bike, and they definitely
will if they are one of those neat
Mormon missionaries that ride all over
town in their nice suits and ties on
their massively cool 3-speeds. And in
the rare event that they don't even
have a bike, use your imagination to
come up with something. One suggestion
is egging their house, but you will
most likely want something more
original than that.
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2) DISTURBING, UPSETTING, AND
PERTURBING THEM
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Now your Mormon victim should be
quite bothered and flustered, and now
comes the phase where they really piss
their pants. If these things are done
correctly, you are pretty much guaran-
teed a very disturbed, upset, perturbed
Mormon.
A very good way to upset a Mormon
(or anybody, for that matter) is to
threaten them and/or their family. A
good time to threaten them might be
over the phone during their "Family
Home Evening". Something like, "There's
a bomb in your basement that's going to
explode in 23 seconds", or something
direct and straight to the point like,
"Hi! I'm going to kill your family
tonight!" should successfully ruin
their family gathering. Or another
good time to threaten them might be
on Sunday when they're all home and the
kids have to sit around all day and
read. Use one of the above threats or
you might want to try one like
threatening to kidnap someone in their
family. Or, of course, you can use your
imagination and be creative. But what-
ever you do, when you are threatening
them make sure that it is totally
anonymous because they might take you
seriously. (And, of course, maybe you
will be serious.)
Another thing that would disturb
the Mormons would be to go to one of
their neat services, and in the middle
of it when the Bishop dude is talking,
stand up and start yelling at the top
of your lungs, "How could any sane
person believe this stuff?! I've had
enough of this crap!" and walk out.
A last suggestion for disturbing,
upsetting, and perturbing the Mormons
is to once again go to another cool
service, if you can handle that much
crap in a lifetime. You take your
ghetto blaster in with you and in the
middle of the service put in the group
Satan's tape that has the song "Death
to the Mormons" on it and crank it up.
Let it play at least until the chorus
when they say, "Death to the Mormons"
and call them inspeakable words, and
then walk out.
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3) KILLING THEM
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And now the part you've all been
waiting for: killing them. Mostly you
can just use your imagination on this
area, but we'll give you a few ideas.
If you are looking at just killing
one individual, the safest, most
obscure method is abduction. Either
take them by force, or pretend to offer
them a ride somewhere. You know what
comes next; you take them up in the
hills to some uninhabited forest and
just simply kill them somehow. Use a
gun if you want it to be fairly fast
but painful, or stab them a couple
times if you want it to be slow and
painful.
And, if you are looking at mass-
murder, use either a bomb (you have
lower chances of getting caught if you
have a pre-planted time bomb) or walk
in with an M-16 and start blowing
people away. You use this method if you
don't mind getting the death penalty.
And one more possibility would be to
set their church on fire during their
service. Of course, most all of them
would get out, but who knows? You might
get lucky and knock down a few.
In conlusion, I just want to say if
you want to kill a Mormon, please give
it very serious consideration before
you do it, and just go as easy on them
as you can, because, after all, they
have almost as much right to live as
we do!
Later,
The Prophet
Metal Communications Inc.
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(C)opyright 1985 M.C.I.
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