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??22 Apr 91????????????????????_ROR_-_ALUCARD_?????????????????????????? ??
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? SCHOOL IS HELL -- Lessons 6 through 9 Tfile ??
? Distribution ??
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?? ? By: Powerful Paul - RoR - ??
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SCHOOL IS HELL--The text file that has to go stand in the corner
(Adapted from the cartoon by Matt Groening by Powerful Paul)
[> Lesson 7: The 33 types of grade school students >]
Teacher's Pet, The Beauty, Mr. Cool, The Brain, The Dunce, The
Copycat, The Bad Girl, The Sissy, The Goof-Off, The Bully, The
Bully's Little Pal, The Chatterbox, The Tomboy, The Crybaby, The
Prude, The Mean Girl, The Shy One, The Shrimp, Ms. Know-It-All, The
Fat Kid, The Cheater, The Thief, The Scairdycat, The Goody-Goody,
Little Miss Selfish, Joe Average, The Tattletale, The New Kid,
Dainty, Sickly, Smelly, The Reject, Class Clown
[> Lesson 8: Trouble: Getting in and weaseling your way out of >]
When in doubt, howl your innocence.
"No way!" "I been framed!" "I didn't do nuthin'." "Lemme see my
lawyer!"
What is trouble? The experts explain.
"Trouble is bad. It messes up yer mind, causes shame, and annoys big
grumpy adults. Trouble is one of the leading causes of spankings in
the world today."
"Trouble is the maladaptive social response of an inquisitive youth
to a stultifying educational environment."
"Trouble is fun, except when you get caught. My problem is I always
get caught."
Basic trouble:
Whispering
Squirming
Passing notes
Chewing gum
Talking
Drawing cartoons
Advanced trouble:
Hiding all the blackboard erasers
Stealing back your confiscated yo-yo from the teacher's desk
Throwing water balloons
Squirting water on the teacher's chair
Very advanced trouble:
Dropping a bag of ball bearings on the floor
Putting snails in the teacher's briefcase
Laughing at everything the teacher says
Throwing maple-syrup balloons
Can trouble be avoided?
Many youngsters attempt to avoid trouble by seeking refuge in a seat
in the rear corner of the classroom.
Unfortunately, in recent centuries many authorities have become aware
of this hide-out.
Try not to look guilty.
Half-asleep = innocent. Angelic = guilty as hell.
If you are caught, try one or more of the following:
Act so shocked that you are rendered temporarily speechless. This
will buy you time while you think of a way out.
Deny everything. Blame someone else. Look sincere. Stick to your
story. Don't falter. Lie like crazy.
Confess--with as few details as possible. Look pathetic. Whimper.
Beg for mercy. Swear you'll never do it again.
Important: Don't forget to keep your fingers crossed.
[> Lesson 9: How to drive a deserving teacher crazy >]
Three annoying ways to ask to go to the lavatory:
"May I go to the laboratory?" <-- Bela Lugosi accent
"May I go to the labrador?"
"May I go see the lava flow?"
Don't ALL teachers deserve to be driven crazy?
Strangely, the answer is no. We must remember that teachers used to
be small and speedy, just like us. But then they grew up, got
sophisticated, and went senile.
If they are nice and funny and teach us a thing or two, then we
should take pity on the poor underpaid drudges and give 'em a break.
Unless we're in a rambunctious mood.
How to tell if a teacher deserves to be driven crazy. (a checklist)
[ ] Calls on you when you are scrunched down in your seat trying to
look as inconspicuous as possible.
[ ] Locks the classroom door when the bell rings and won't open up no
matter how hard you kick.
[ ] Never smiles.
[ ] Smiles too much.
[ ] Punishes you unfairly.
[ ] Punishes you fairly.
Making a crazy teacher crazier--the cycle:
Grimness Joylessness
\ _______Teacher______ /
\ / \/
Retaliates with Notices
/ \
/ \
Cruel /________________\Disobedient
Punishment\ leads to / Mischief
\ /
\ /
Endures Commits
/ \______Our Hero_____/ \
/ \
Resentment Frivolity
Small ways to drive a deserving teacher crazy:
Pretend you aren't listening.
Ask distracting questions.
Say: "Could you repeat that?"
Act stupid.
Medium-sized ways to drive a deserving teacher crazy:
Hide all the blackboard erasers.
Make little meowing noises without moving your lips.
Act smart.
Big ways to drive a deserving teacher crazy:
Squirt water on the teacher's chair when she isn't looking.
Smuggle as many dogs as you can into the classroom.
Say things that make the class laugh but which the teacher doesn't
get.
If you get kicked out of class, you can still drive a deserving teacher crazy
1. Gather your stuff as slowly as possible.
2. Walk solemnly toward the door. At the last moment, twirl.
3. Slam the door and make goofy faces in the little window. Then
run.
4. Wait 15 years, then type up a snotty text file about school.
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Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699
The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK
The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674
Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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