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From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1993 23:46:51 GMT
Organization: XSoft (A Xerox Company)
Message-ID: <1993Aug13.234651.8496@xsoft.xerox.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: 4 Dec 89
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to quote film 89's presenter:
batman would have been better if they'd thrown away the script and filmed
the hype.
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Just a semi-humorous fact:
There's a Cat Mousam Rd. in southern Maine.
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Why fire engines are red:
Two plus two makes four. Three times four makes twelve. There are
twelve inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth
is also a boat. Boats sail on the ocean. Fish live in the ocean. Fish
have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. The Russians are red. And
that's why fire engines are red, because they're Rushin' all over!
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Pardon me, I have to catch a higher plane...
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Q: how many bigots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: why change it? they've already seen all they want to.
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Veni, Vedi, Visa
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
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...which reminds me of a T-shirt I saw a few years back -- this fellow was
walking along advertising "The Doppler Effect" in bright blue letters on his
chest. This didn't make sense until he passed, and on the back of his shirt
was "The Doppler Effect"...in bright RED letters.
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"Many a time I have wanted to stop talking and find
out what I really believed."
-- Walter Lippmann
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In an ad for the new VW Corrado:
"from 0 to what seems to be the problem officer in 8.3 seconds"
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Thought for the day: Clothing for Cliff Dwellers:
Advertised in this week's Mervyns circular:
High Sierra Prairie Shirts
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Another one from the dim past (this may be apocrypha). The floors
here (as in many computer facilities) are actually "hollow", which
is to say that you can pull up the floor panels and crawl around
underneath the floor where the cables are. One night, a couple of guys
put on miner's hardhats (the ones with the little lights), pulled up
a floor panel, got in under the floor, and made their way to the
spot directly beneath the word processing area. Then they pushed up
a floor panel from below and emerged. That one raised a few eyebrows.
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The following filler item appeared in the September 25 issue of /The New
Yorker/.
JOURNALISM AT LONG LAST COMES OF AGE
[Illak Azeredo in the Ferndale (Calif.) Enterprise]
Mattole Grange had its monthly meeting and, after the dinner, a slide show
was presented by Jim Decker from the B.L.M. Mr. Decker attempted to point
out what the B.L.M. wants to do to the mouth of the river. I really don't
understand what is happening and, until I do, I don't think I had better
write too much about it.
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This, from the preregistration materials for the "Society for the Social
Studies of Science" annual conference, taking place at Irvine in November:
ENVIRONS
About California: California is a medium-sized advanced Western capitalist
country with strong political and historical ties to the United States. No
visa is required at this time for American Citizens. However, if you drive
into California, your car may be inspected for alien fruits or vegetables.
Most of what you have heard about California is probably true.
Weather: It never rains in California, except sometimes in November.
----------------------------------------------------
While traveling through Ireland I was mostly hitchiking [busses cost money]
I found, on occasion, it was diffcult to get a ride [I'm talking 2 hours with
a thumb out]. I figured I need to get someone to stop somehow and if they did
I could get a lift from them. I couldn't get anyone to stop so I came up
with a sceme that I thought would work.
I had a sign with my destination emblazened in large letters. People would
just pass by. So on the back of the sign I wrote a destination in the WRONG
direction and held that up. Not too shortly after a car pulled up to tell me
what a fool I was for being on the wrong road. I asked him where this road
went and when he told me I shrugged and said I was going to be headed in that
dection sooner or later showed him the other side of the sign and asked for
a ride. Got my ride in less than 10 minutes, every time...
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There are a lot of cases of dual-unitsness that show a definite lack of
understanding of units conversion.
Example: cereal boxes which say "16 oz (453.59 g)". Now, come on there
General Mills! If you only know the ounces to two digits of precision,
then you only know gras to two digits. I will accept "16 oz (450 g)",
or "16.0 oz (454 g)".
I recently read a manual for some device which has a range of 0.621 miles.
I can guess how this was derived: someone established that it has
a range of about 1 km, and when the translated the manual into English,
someone else said, "Hey lets convert this into miles so those stupid
Americans know what we mean!" They could have said "1/2 mile", or
even "5/8 mile" and expressed the concept with the correct feeling of
approximation. But, I want to try it out at 0.622 miles and see if
it fails.
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A woman (one of 17 passengers) on a recent Wideroe Airlines flight in
Norway managed to persuade the pilot to land the plane (which has no lavatory)
at a remote airfield halfway through the 85-minute flight so she could make
an emergency restroom visit.
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Tell 'em about the pilot who called Air Traffic Control wanting to know
what time it was. The controller asked, "what airline was that request
from?" Sez the pilot, "why do you want to know that?" "Well, sir, if
you're American, it's 2:30. If you're United, it's 1430 hours. If
you're TWA, it's 1930 Zulu. And if you're Continental, it's Thursday."
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A number of years ago one of the GE managers was going to Beirut, long
before the trouble got totally out of hand there. Because there had been
some hijackings, security was tight, and they were hand searching
passengers in the days before metal detectors.
The soldier patting him down suddenly shouted something (in arabic, I
guess) and pulled out his gun. Two other soldiers pointed their machine
guns at him. Seems that since the airline didn't have meals he had
bought a banana and stuffed it in his inside coat pocket. It took years
before he found any humor in the story...
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Told by Don Criqui on NBC morning news:
After telling of Jose Canseco's recent run-in with an airline stewardess
over not wanting to wear a seatbelt...
"Once when Muhammed Ali was flying, the stewardess came over and asked
him to fasten his seatbelt. Ali told the stewardess, "Superman don't
need no seatbelt".
The stewardess replied, "Champ, Superman don't need no plane".
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A small report from the first European space flight.
The first European space flight is in progress.
On board of the space ship are two pigs and a Belgian.
(Side note: Picking the Belgian was obvious since the French wouldn't
allow a German astronaut, and the Germans wdidn't want a French one, and
both the Germans and the French were against a British astronout, unless
of course it was Mrs. Thatcher, but she turned the job down)
During the flight the following conversation took place between ground
control and the crew:
Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 1. Pig 1, are you reading me?
Hello, here is pig 1 for Ground Control. Reading you loud and clear.
Pig 1, how is everything?
Everything under control Ground Control. No problems.
Ok, pig 1. Just to check: can you repeat your instructions.
Yes Ground Control, when coming in orbit, press the square button, and
depress the round one.
Ok pig 1, That's right. Over and out.
Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 2. Pig 2, are you reading me?
Hello, here is pig 2 for Ground Control. What can I do for you.
Pig 2, how is everything?
Everything is going smoothly Ground Control. No problems.
Pig 2, can you also repeat your instructions please.
Yes Ground Control, when landing pull the red lever and push the blue one.
Ok pig 2, That's right. Over and out.
Hello, this is Ground Control for Belgian. Belgian, are you reading me?
Hello, here is Belgian for Ground Control.
Belgian, how is everything?
Everything is going fine Ground Control. No problems.
Belgian, please repeat your instructions.
Yes Ground Control, feed the pigs twice a day, and be *&$@#& careful not
to touch ANYTHING.
Ok Belgian, That's right. Over and out.
----------------------------------------------------
SOUTHAMPTON, England (AP) - Boxer Tony Wilson won his fight in three rounds
Thursday night after his mother climbed into the ring and hit his opponent
over the head with her stiletto shoe.
Opponent Steve McCarthy left the ring with blood seeping from a head wound
as security officers ushered Minna Wilson away.
When McCarthy refused to return, referee Adrian Morgan raised Wilson's arms
in victory, declaring that McCarthy had retired.
Uproar broke out among the 1,000 specators at the Guildhall in this south
English port, where the British light heavyweight title eliminator fight
between local boy McCarthy and Wilson was being staged.
The furious crowd kicked and punched Wilson before he escaped to a dressing
room, sheltered by his trainer and manager.
"The first thing I saw was my mum in the ring, and then eveything went wild,"
said Wilson, from Wolverhampton, central England. "She has been watching my
fights for years and nothing like this has happened before."
Police reinforcements were sent. But no one was arrested, and no one was
reported injured.
----------------------------------------------------
Some years ago a friend of mine was taking a magnetic computer tape through
customs in Egypt. The customs staff on discovering the tape started to unreel
it onto the floor. When my friend asked what they were looking for they told
him that they were checking the film for pornographic scenes.
----------------------------------------------------
On a similar note: Many years ago (about 15), I used to work for the
Infernal Revenue Service (boo!). Every Friday, some friends and I
would gather in one one of the cafeterias and play our guitars during
our lunch break. And -- every Friday -- when I brought my guitar case
into the building, the guard would stop me and say, "What's in the
guitar case?" I would look at him like he was purple and say, "Why,
a guitar, of course!" And each week, he would tell me to open the
case and he would search the entire case (who knows what for!), includ-
ing the inside of the guitar. Well, one week, when he asked me, "What's
in the guitar case?", I said -- with a perfectly straight face -- "A
submachine gun." Did he search the case that time? NO! He waved me on!
----------------------------------------------------
I once went through customs from the US into Canada carrying
a 2400' mag tape. The customs agent wasn't buying the $20
(or whatever) I told him it was worth (no duty on the value
of the DecSystem 20 operating system on the tape, but that's
another story). He got his calculator out and was figuring
the square footage of the tape so he could charge me the
going duty on mylar.
----------------------------------------------------
Cartoon Laws
Contributed by Trevor Paquette & Lt. Justin D. Baldwin
Cartoon Law I.
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle
of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II.
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV.
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture
it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V.
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is
running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI.
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the
cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This
effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or
being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-
replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off
walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII.
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but
at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a
wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue
him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened
against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.
This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII.
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated,
spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or
disassembled,
but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking
self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX.
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
applies to the physical world at large. For that reason,
we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
From: paquette@cpsc.ucalgary.ca (Trevor Paquette)
From: baldwin@usna.MIL (LT Justin D. Baldwin <baldwin@usna>)