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From: msm5@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (MARTIN SCOTT MCGUIRE)
Subject: SEX HUMOR 1
Date: 12 Nov 93 16:38:29 GMT
A fellow walks into the pharmacy and ask to purchase some condoms.
"What size package would you like?"
"Oh, I get to choose? What do you have?"
"Well we have a six-pack, a nine-pack and a twelve-pack."
"Why so many different ones?"
"Well the six-pack is very popular with our customers of the Jewish
persuasion."
"Why is that?"
"Evidently, once a night, except the sabbath."
"How about the nine-pack?"
"That is very popular with our customers of the black persuasion. Once a
night and twice on weekends."
"How about the twelve-pack."
"That is very popular with our customers of the white persuasion...January,
February, March..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date
this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and
doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a
clerk for some help.
"Sure, I can help you", says the clerk. "What do you want to know?"
"Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be
prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and I
don't quite know what I should be getting."
"Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do
you just fine."
"Why 3?", says the lad.
"Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one
breaks.", replies the clerk.
"Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?", says the lad.
"That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend. One for every day of
the week." says the clerk.
"Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?", says the lad.
"Oh. You don't need that.", says the clerk.
"Well why not?", says the lad. "Seems to be more economical."
"Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men. One for January, one
for February, one for March...."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do cowboys use denim condoms?
Because they shrink to fit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers?
You turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of 'em.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear of the new West Virginian rubbers...
They're open-ended for more sensitivity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written on a condom vending machine:
These chewing gums don't taste too good!!!
Written on another one of the condom vending machines:
For refund, insert baby.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the
second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and
absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An
elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The
passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't
see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and
intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and
says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out
the window!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by
stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.
The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said "I'm
not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and
they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she
hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she
demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she
suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and
asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure
am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the
pharmacy to buy some condoms.
(Conversation as follows)
Pharm: What can I help you with?
Teen: I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom.
Pharm: Ok. Here you are. (Sets condom, on counter.)
Teen: (Thinking that was rather easy and painless) Well, now that I think
about it, I think I'll be needing two condoms.
Pharm: Well, ok. (Gets another one).
Teen: (Getting bolder.) Actually, its a pretty hot date I have tonight, I
think I'll be needing four condoms.
(Teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he wants
until he's leaving the pharmacy with 2 dozen condoms)
Now the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tells him that he's
invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the table with all
of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before beginning the
meal. He accepts and says the following:
Teen: Oh Lord, thank you for this food and the hands that made it, and the
people who took the time to grow it and... (goes on for nearly 10 minutes,
blessing EVERYTHING including the table, the silverware, all the containers, the
floor, etc...) ...AMEN.
Girl: Gee, I didn't know that you were really religious.
Teen: Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and
my buddies said you could fix me up for it."
"What do you want?"
"Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..."
"What do you want?"
"I need some protection, alright??!?!"
"What size?"
"Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess."
"That'll be $2.35 including tax."
"Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call grit in a condom
An organ grinder!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a
'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it...
Underneath someone had scrawled...
'...SO WAS THE TITANIC !!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady
pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping
him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face
the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make
it 100".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are the three sizes in which condoms are sold?
Large, medium, and Caucasian.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he
has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to
bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man
returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once
more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does Kodak and a condom have in common?
You use both to catch those special moments!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When is the best time to wear a condom?
On every conceivable occasion!
================================================================================
== GAY HUMOR =
================================================================================
Two gay men are walking along, and are checking out this guy across the street.
"Hey, I know that guy! He's HOT!"
"No shit..."
"Well, hardly any."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the next earthquake strikes San Francisco, why will the gay men be the
first to evacuate?
They've already got their shit packed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San Francisco ?
Because their balls hang out!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight
woman on the street?
Well, two held the woman while the third one did her hair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If two lesbians and two fags leave New York for San Francisco, who gets there
first?
The lesbians. While they are doing 69, the fags are still packing their shit!
or
The lesbians, who go lickety split while the fags are still packing their shit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the most common phrase uttered in a San Francisco gay bar?
Hi, can I push in your stool?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the homosexual leave home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Why did he come back?
He couldn't stand to leave his brother's behind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're both in the shit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two condoms were walking along the street, when they passed a gay bar.
The first said to the second: "Want to go in and get shit-faced?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bartender in a gay bar was getting ready to close for the night when a robber
with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a
stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't
shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the
cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a
wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!". The crook takes the money then puts
the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!".
"Anything!", cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!". The bartender starts to
blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender
sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells
"Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do lesbians like more than Levi Jeans?
Billy Jeans.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear the one about the two lesbians who were building a house together?
There were no studs in the house at all...just tongue and groove!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Liberace was great on the piano
But sucked on the organ
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three male friends were in a bar one evening bragging about exploits and
abilities. The conversation finally turned to a comparison of genital
endowment. To prove their cases the three men placed said topics of
conversation on the bar for measurement.
Just then, another male patron, who preferred sexual partners of the same
gender, entered the bar and noticed the competition. The bartender asked the
man, "What'll ya have?"
The man replies, "Well, I was going to have a beer but I think I'll have
the buffet instead."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a homosexual?
A megasoreass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the lesbian swimmer who was thrown out of the Olympics?
She kept lapping the other swimmers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
At a straight rodeo, they yell "Ride that sucker."
================================================================================
== SEX HUMOR =
================================================================================
SEX(1) USER COMMANDS SEX(1)
NAME
sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] usercode [ usercode ... ]
DEFAULTS
If no usernames are specified, names are taken from the LOVERS
environment variable.
OPTIONS
Options to make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 wiggle
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B <animal> bestiality with <animal>
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d <file> get a date with the features described in <file>
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-F nasal sex with plants
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-L Lick option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it)
-N Nipple option
-o oral option
-O parallel access (flower-picking party)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-v1 vaseline option
-V Vibrator option
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)
-x extra (loop routine - cumming back for more)
-y yogurt option
ERRORS
'Missing External' = "Where did I put the vibrator"
'Mismatch error' = One component is non-standard
'Next without For' = Next process has been started without foreplay.
'Syntax Error' = Error in chat up line
'I/O Error' = Input-Output is too slow.
'Unknown Procedure' = The process is non-standard but fun.
'No Such Line' = Chat up line has gone down
'Out of Memory' = You had too much to drink last night.
'Illegal Input' = 3 fingers are quite enough
'Undefined Variable' = Decide how much you are going to pay.
'Identifier not Used' = Don't give her your name.
'Do without Loop' = At least do it twice
'Inserted ; ' = Only with users permission bit set.
'Insufficient data' = "Oh yeah, I've taken precautions"
'Your party is not
responding' = Unsuccessful strip-poker request call
'Access Denied' = Chastity bit set.
'Unknown Host Name' = "Whose party is it?"
'Output Only' = don't try anal sex
'Can't Access Floppy' = "Where the hell is it!"
'Server Not Responding' = Either too much drink or impotent.
'Too many Arguments' = Don't try talking to partner.
'Peripheral in Use' = Remove chewing-gum before administering blowjob
'Bad Baud Rate' = Use your imagination or she'll get bored.
'Copy is Unreadable' = Porno-mags are not for reading
'Already Open' = Just undo the button and off they come.
'Process Timed Out' = Premature ejaculation has occurred
'Out of Range' = Her husband is in London
'Unmatched (' = Boobs are of different sizes.
'Permission Denied' = I told you not to try anal sex
'No repeat' = Not tonight darling, I'm too tired.
'Source is Protected' = Very sensible, always keep one with you.
'Invalid Entry' = Don't take advantage of disabled people.
'CPU down' = Had to happen sooner or later.
'Connection closed by
foreign host' = Husband arrival
'Illegal Direct' = "hi babe, wanna fuck" is not implemented.
'Can't Read' = People want intellectuals these days
'Begin Without End' = Not likely to occur
'only 3 connections
allowed' = Stop being greedy!
'bad track' = told u not to do it to Des O'Connor!
'write protected' = its ok, she's had the op.
'cannot open' = her knees are surgically joined
'file already open' = she's a slut
'no manual entry' = switch to auto pilot
'no such process' = forget it, its impossible
'65 bytes free' = after this, bites cost 10p each.
'no command' = she knows what you want
'your party has logged
out' = you were too long at the chemists
'RTFM error' = see karma sutra
'mistake' = yup, thats her asshole!
'no device specified' = which vibrator do you want?
'no such device' = if device no. > 15"
'Stopped' = Doorbell activated
'Stopped by operator' = Phone rings
'Interrupt' = son arrives at location
'dlog file exists' = you logged out before ejaculation
'missing end statement' = she had gone when you awoke.
'missing bit' = Jewish operator
SEX PASCAL v.69
ERRORS
'Hex number too large' = The last time I saw one that big it was hanging
under a donkey
'Variable too big for
memory' = It's so big it's mind-blowing
'BEGIN expected' = She's got her clothes off and ready to go
'Too many procedures' = The foreplay's gone on long enough
'DO expected' = "Come on, do it to me!"
'Label not declared' = What brand of condoms have you got?
'END expected' = "Please stop, I've had enough!"
'Too many digits' = You can't put your whole hand up
'Premature end of file' = It went limp before the climax
'Too many devices' = Which vibrator shall I choose from?
'Variant device' = I'll choose this one - it's got thrusting action
'Tag type mismatch' = The condom's too big
'Real device expected' = I don't want a vibrator - I need the real thing
'Can't read this type' = I've lost my glasses and cannot read the small
writing on this sex manual
'Too many dimensions = I'm having problems translating page 47
for translator' of the kama sutra into Serbo Croat
'Digit expected' = Get your magic fingers working on my erogenous
zones
'ID table overflow' = I told you not to do it on the table where it
would overflow onto the carpet
'Too many nested = There's so many Des O'Connor records on
records' that shelf that it's put me off the job
FATAL ERROR
'Premature termination = she had an epileptic fit while giving blowjob
of parameter'
DEMONSTRATION PROGRAM
Program Sex (input,output,input,output,input,output,input,output);
var
condom,up,down : boolean;
Procedure up_and_down;
begin
if up=true then
down
else
up
end;
begin
repeat
read(condom);
until (condom=true)
repeat
up_and_down;
until climax
end.
If you are a bit kinky then the following procedure may be implemented :-
Procedure foreplay;
begin
read(choice);
case choice of
1 : Strawberry Yogurt;
2 : Baked Beans;
3 : Ice Cream;
4 : Vaseline;
endcase
end.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)
NAME
sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ...
DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) specified in the
command line. If no users are specified, they are taken from the LOVERS
environment variable. Options to make things more interesting are as
follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B<animal>
bestiality with <animal>
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d<file>
get a date with the features described in <file>
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-F nasal sex with plants
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access (orgy)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)
ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if none are specified in
the command line. If any are specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.
FILES
/usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality
/usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates
/usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes
/usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment
BUGS
^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.
MAN AUTHOR
Author prefers to be anonymous.
HISTORY
Oldest program ever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her
with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll
never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how
long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
and vice versa...
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she
can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But
there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space
program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just got told this one by a friend who's in the UK.
What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something (8.xxxxxxx....)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is 69 squared?
Dinner for 4.
What is 68?
You do me and I owe you one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the speed limit on sex?
A1. 68. At 69 she'll blow a rod.
A2. 68, at 69 you have to turn around.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the meaning of 6.9 for a woman?
69 interrupted by a period! (ouch..gross!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the
confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my wife
was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."
The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin
and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty.
The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.
Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning
over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how
long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest
tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex
and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that
she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no
more about it.
As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband
would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you
that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the
supermarket!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These three women were sitting around one night talking about there
boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on types
of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as
strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven
inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."
The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he
passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a
moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she
gets mad at me for sucking my *thumb*"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day
someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for
me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long
she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some
preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally
got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied.
"It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in
cathedrals."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up
whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other
kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused,
"I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to
Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So,
tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the
surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him. "A man
your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh," says the man, "we
almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This old geezer of 78 or whatever marries a girl of 18. The morning after the
wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face. "What's
the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk. "Well," sniffed the girl,
"He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his
_money_".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night
after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph,
"Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It
means you can take your pick."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night,
they go into they're room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks
puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's
how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room
you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?
Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?
Mother: A raven, dear.
Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?
Mother: A swallow!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Italian man was walking along a secluded beach one day, when he spotted a
beautiful naked woman lying on the beach. Unable to restrain himself, he
immediately jumped on her and proceeded to hump like a rabid rabbit.
Soon, however, the townspeople came out and began to beat the man, calling
him names. "Bastardo!" "Perverto!" They cried out desperately.
"Perverto? I am-a no perverto!" the man hollered back.
The people responded, "Idiot! Can't you see this woman is-a DEAD!?".
"DEAD?!", he cried. "My God, I thought she was-a English!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends reminiscing over sex...
This woman had a clitoris like a pickle!
What - so BIG?
No, so SOUR!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?
Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to
work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As
he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the
house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
"Is the housewife in?" he asked.
The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out:
Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?
Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on
sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand,
I got rich fast.
Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa,
making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed
here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go
back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But I have
some old ropes that should hold just fine..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two WASPs are making love. Afterward the man says to the woman, "What's the
matter? Didn't you like it?" The woman says, "Of course I liked it. What
gave you the idea that I didn't?" "Well," says the man, "you moved."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home
when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush.
"What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the
scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as
he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.
A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to
the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming
from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of
his mother, moving in a strange way.
His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father
froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the
father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.
"What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't
sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a
baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now
confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.
"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you
go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between a good girl and a nice girl:
A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.
A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your Favorite Color Is The Key To Your Sexual Life
RED
Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in
every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to
extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady
Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors
should beware!
YELLOW
If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward
the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic -
not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce
to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex
to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you
enjoy or admire.
PURPLE
Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a
fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair.
Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple
partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's
gratification.
BLACK
Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of
the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted
sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people
and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times.
Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And
it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black
attire.
GREEN
Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex.
Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man
may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort
of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one
will never need worry about infidelity.
PINK
Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women
tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they
flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage
of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are
philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the
same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar,
instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when
they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money.
ORANGE
People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is
regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay
is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless
dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience
orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair
and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the
ballyhoo add up to nothing.
BROWN
If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers
tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners.
Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They can't say "I Love You" often enough.
Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their
tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to
make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.
GRAY
The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get
excited about anything - including colors - so they choose a noncommittal
shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension,
(nothing more, nothing less). It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women who
prefer Gray don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons,
to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the
bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries
another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another
color, the Gray spouse considers the color's infidelity a blessing.
BLUE
Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and
sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their
approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately
ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue
category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion
might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and
women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act
itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate - never failing to please
the spouse and never seeking outside interests.
WHITE
If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people
are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in
daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers.
Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names
for their genitals.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi there. I'm a detective. My name is Friday. I work on Saturday. She's my
secretary. A guy walked by my office, I knew he was tall; we're on the seventh
floor. Last week, a woman walked into my office. She pulled out a pair of 45s,
then she pulled out a gun. She invited me to a party that night. As we were
driving to the party, we got a flat tire. I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she
jacked, then we got out and fixed the tire. When we got to the party, everyone
was feeling merry, but Mary had to leave. Then everyone started jumping for
joy, but Joy got a headache...so we left. We went to her place. A rock broke
through the window and hit her in the breast, I broke three fingers. I started
petting her pussy, then her cat walked in. Her husband showed up...told me to
beat it, so I did, then I left.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, my name's Friday. Usually I work on Thursday. She's my secretary. One day
I was dictating to her when a rock crashed into the window, cutting my dick and
her tits. Later on we went to a party that night. On the way we had a flat tire.
I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked, and then we went out to fix the flat
tire. When we finally got there everyone was jumping for joy. Joy was swinging
naked on the chandelier. Things soon quieted down and people were gay and
blowing bubbles. Bubbles didn't mind though, because he was gay anyway. We went
home and as we watched tv I pet her pussy. Her cat walked in and then her
father, who told me to beat it, so I did. Then I left.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dieter's Guide To Weight Loss During Sex
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35
Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2
Orchestra swelled.............6
UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang
Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7
Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3
Earth moved..................30
Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT:
Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2
Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY:
For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3
Losing erection............14 For men......................72
Searching for it..........115
GUILT:
PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training,
With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53
Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the
fact that other people are
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2
If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3
Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account..
Inexperienced..............73 20
If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION:
Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5
it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the
dog during foreplay..........14
ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for
Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10
kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7
Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40
Man getting permission.....55
American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse..........60
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100
Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55
Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100
Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75
Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion
500
Thanking partner quickly......2
ORGASM:
Real.......................27
Faked.....................160
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a party, the hostess served a politician a cup of punch and told him it
was spiked. Next, she served some to a minister. "I would rather commit
adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips," he proclaimed. Overhearing this,
the politician poured his punch back and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains,
however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for
Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on
the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the
line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your
laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If
his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it's going to be a great day,
and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I
know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that
he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually tiring of this boasting, the
bartender says "If you're such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me."
The customer says "No problem, name it."
The bartender says" Okay, there's three things you have to do: first, there's
this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers all night;
you have to kick him out of the bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back
room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it.
Third, there's a hooker up stairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up
there and make her come.
The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the
bar. After that he says "OK, show me to the alligator." The bartender takes
the man to the back room and shuts the door.
For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room. The
man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and
bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says "OK, where's the hooker with the
abcessed tooth?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his
shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." The little girl
starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again the
boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you
- don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks the boy.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with
one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young couple is living on a farm. One evening a flying saucer lands on the
farm, right next to their house. Out of the flying saucer steps a young Martian
couple, and they look very much like humans. The earth woman invites the
Martians for dinner. They all sit down and start talking. They begin
exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get to liking each other so much that
they decide to switch partners for the night. The farmer and the Martian's wife
go into one of the rooms, and the farmer's wife and the Martian man go into the
other room.
As the Martian man takes off his pants, the farmer's wife looks down and sees
that his phallus is extremely small. "What are you gonna do with that?" she
says. "I'll show you," he says, and proceeds to twist his right ear. Suddenly
his penis extends to a foot and a half. However, it is still only as thick as a
pencil. "That's pretty long," says the woman, "but it's really not very wide."
The Martian then reaches up, twists his left ear, and he becomes as thick as a
huge sausage. They then proceed to have sex.
The next morning, the Martians take off and the farmer and his wife are
having breakfast.
"So, how was it?" asks the farmer.
"It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had! How was yours?"
"Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird. All night long she kept
playing with my ears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Martian expedition came to Earth to observe humans.
The alien spacecraft landed in the middle of the Arizona desert, infront of
an old, abandoned gas station. One of the aliens decides to interact with one
of the old gas pumps (confusing it with a human, since it had a round head).
The alien steps forth and asks, "What is your name? Who is your leader?
What do you do here?" The gas pump didn't respond.
The alien gets in his spacecraft and contacts the mother ship to give his
report. The alien says, " I have observed the humans. They are deaf, dumb, and
as a side note, never send a female Martian to explore this planet because they
have dicks so long, they hang them from their ear."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Jones goes to see her obstetrician, Dr. Smith. She says, "Dr. Smith, I'm
pregnant again. I need a hearing aid."
Dr. Smith says, "Mrs. Jones, I thought we decided last time that your twelve
children were more than you could handle, and that you should not get pregnant
again. I'm going to give you a powerful contraceptive."
Mrs. Jones replies, "But, doctor, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a
hearing aid."
Dr. Smith: "How come, Mrs. Jones?"
Mrs. Jones: "Well, you see, doctor, I'm kinda hard of hearing. At night,
when the mister and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you
want to go to sleep, or what?' And, I always say, 'What?'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Red Riding Hood is riding through the woods to see her grandmother. As
she enters the woods a birds lands on her shoulder and exclaims "Little Red
Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please don't go any further. The big bad
wolf says he's going to get you and fondle you. Little Red Riding Hood
disregards the bird's warning and proceeds even further into the woods. A
little bit later, a squirrel catches her attention and cries "Little Red Riding
Hood, please don't go any further! The big bad wolf is going to get you and
fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood responds with mocking laughter and
continues on into the woods. Some time later, a fox comes bounding out of the
woods hollering for Little Red Riding Hood to turn back. "Little Red Riding
Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please please don't go any further. The big bad
wolf is just up ahead. He's going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red
Riding Hood blows him off as she did the others and rides on. A few moments
later, the big bad wolf makes his promised appearance. He leaps out of the
woods growling menacingly "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, I'm
going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood nonchalantly reaches
into her knapsack, pulls out a pistol, looks the wolf squarely in the eyes and
says "no you're not, you are going to eat me like the story says."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems that mathematics isn't so impeccable after all! Especially when it
comes to sex! Here are some mathematical truisms that didn't quite hold up!
If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you
have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.
If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends
get?
None.
Is three an odd number?
Not in this day and age.
If a 6-inch penis can attract 10 women, how many women can an 18-inch penis
attract?
Two billion.
If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have
2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!
How are math and sex the same?
I don't get either one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did Adam say to Eve?
You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers?
Fred Astair's face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's natural dental floss?
Pubic hair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two teachers are talking in the hallway.
"I hear you're teaching Ivanhoe this term in English class"
"Yes, They weren't allowed to teach that book when I was in school"
"Why not?"
"Too much Saxon Violence"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing
clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing
a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing
women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...as Benny Hill once said: "Did you ever notice that everyone in favor of birth
control has already been born?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's better than a rose on your piano?
Two lips on your organ
What's worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A diseased pussy on your organ.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a 68?
You do me, and I'll owe you one!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
When you open her legs the lights go on
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and
crying, and father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people
babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father will be
back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son is gone from
the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn, he returns and the parents ask
their son where he had been all night.
Says the baby stork: "Aww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Entry in young woman's diary :
Monday : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get
too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best
friends.
Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to
get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still
my best friends.
Wednesday : Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and
he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of
friends must part!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's green and eats nuts
Herpes!.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I know a Girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear, goes to bed
early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time." "Hey, that's great." "Yes,
I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?
They are both fucking close to water!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John?
They have both been fucked by Mercury.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are three people in a pub. Two of them are talking to each other.
They seem to be brooding. So they ask each other why they are brooding.
The first one says : "Well, I think it's because I have sex only once every
month."
Then the second one replies : "Oh, that's true". In my case, it's only once
every other month".
Then, they both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful. They
are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw.
"Once every six monthes" says the fellow.
"Then", ask the first, "why are you so happy?"
And the third replies "Because it's tonight !!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a
sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his
zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in
and closes the zipper.
The woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries
not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man.
Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same
routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly
makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.
After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask: "Excuse me,
Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you have taken
out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?"
"Oh, you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze, I get an orgasm."
"But that's awful! What do you take for it?"
"Pepper," answers the man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he
goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the madam. As it's the busiest
time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a
word of English.
"I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry.
So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full
whack, the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes
that this means great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed.
The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese
client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then, the client
T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his
newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclaims, to which the
client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge
rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and
fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps
the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it.
You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop
your trousers, bend over, and I'll [insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy
here]." The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers
back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the
forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the
bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys
a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims,
and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When
the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this
for the hunting, are you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit him. He said, "What
was that for?" She said, "Poor bed partner!" He thought about that for a few
days, then he hit her. She said, "What was that for?" He said, "For knowing
the difference!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has
been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told
the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.
Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my
honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my
wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place
was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the
competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing
there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He
told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I
said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I
separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your
Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told
him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too." Last night, Sex
ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to
me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I
said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was
reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says
to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female
achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah?
Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks
out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half an hour
later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and
sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to *EAT*!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lady goes to buy a pet. In store, sees a frog in a rosewood box, asks for
the price.
"This frog is worth $4000, madam."
"WHAT? Why is it so expensive?"
"Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus."
"I see... I'll take it."
So she takes the frog home, showers, puts on a silk gown, perfume, and opens
the box on the bed. The frog doesn't perform; she calls the shop. I'll be
right over, says the shopowner. Moments later, the shopowner sees the problem,
and tells the frog: "ALL RIGHT NOW, Look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer : Well Mr.Mouse, I don't really think that your wife Minnie having
bucked teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce.
Mickie : Who mentioned bucked teeth? I said she was fucking goofy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the connection between a soya been and a vibrator?
Both are meat substitutes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband
is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do
about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might
do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and
come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill
worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist
what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she
doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would
happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to
go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that
the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband
the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an
experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle
of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the
dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in
the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the
sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge
chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a
family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set
up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires
and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort,
the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee.
He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he
told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any
idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning
the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes
everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early
to get up."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is nearly caught with her lover when her husband comes home early.
To hide her lover, she puts him in the closet. While in the closet, the lover
soon learns that he is not alone. The breathing he hears belongs to, he
discovers, the woman's young son.
"Gee, it's dark in here, sir," said the boy.
"Geez, kid, please shut up," replied the nervous man.
"Well, mister, I think I'm gonna scream."
"Please, kid, don't scream."
"Can I have some money?" asked the boy.
"Well, here, here's five dollars, it's all I've got."
The boy, sensing that the man was lying, pressed on.
"I really feel like screaming."
"No, kid, look, here's fifty dollars, just don't scream."
"Well, I don't know"
"Here's the last of my money, just don't scream."
The boy, satisfied, agreed to be quiet. Later, he went with his mother to a
store where a brand new bike was on sale. When he tried to buy it with his
new-found cash, his mother became suspicious of the source of this money.
So, being a "good" Christian, she took him in to see the local pastor in
confession.
"Gee," said the boy, not used to being in the confessional, "it sure is dark
in here."
"Don't start that with me again," said the priest.
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the
avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady
walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give
$50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young
lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on
that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The
following morning, the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other
$25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it
on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his
presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and
explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a
judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her
case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as
follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property,
a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she
agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of
$50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for
the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid
only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since
it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant
to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and
amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore,
was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your
honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property,
that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived
from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around
which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor
performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were
sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately
compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not
be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client
agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the
defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the
property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones,
pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only
dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than
it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to
others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted."
And it was. She won the case...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Private Weston was stationed in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly isolated
location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a single woman,
he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action. "Well, hell
boy, just use the camel, like everyone else.", the sergeant replied. Private
Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place. "What do you
think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says. The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit
yourself." A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in
the loins of private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Serg, you just
gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust." The sergeant says, "Look boy I
told ya, if you want some action, go use the camel. Weston goes over to the
camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt surrounding the
camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate", he says to himself and walks
away. More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant.
Before he can speak, the sergeant yells, "Look Weston, I'm not telling you
again. Either use the camel or forget it!" Chastised, Private Weston goes to
the camel. "Well at least its a large, furry, female mammal", he thinks. He
walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up
to him, visibly shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride
into town and pick up girls." He was promoted to Colonel a week later.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A 7 year old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a
shower.
"Daddy, daddy, what's that", she said pointing at his genitalia.
"Oh, uhhmm, it's a... hedgehog!", he embarrassingly replied.
"Well, it's got a hell of a big dick", she snapped back.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little kid goes up to his mother who is lying in the bath naked, and asks
her: "Mummy...whasat??"
His mother thinks for a little while and then says: "Oh, son...that's my
hedgehog." And the little boy walks away quite happy with the reply.
The next week, he walks into the bathroom and sees his wrinkly old grandma
lying naked in the bath. He asks her what she had between her legs, and again
she tries to explain that it's a hedgehog.
The little kid then runs screaming to his mother and shouts: "Mummy, Mummy,
Grandma's hedgehog is dead!"
"Why do you say that son?"
"Because I could see it's guts hanging out all over the place!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Snow White has been thrown out of Fairyland. She was caught sitting on
Pinnocchio's face shouting, 'Lie you little sod, lie!!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes
coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming
over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on
the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth:
"Well that was a short fuckin' day!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went into the bar. He said to the barman, "I want to celebrate my first
blow job, so give me a double whiskey." So he drank it straight down. He then
ordered 2 more, then another 2 and then another 2 again... The barman asked,
"you sure you've had enough?" The man replied, "just enough to take the taste
away."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with a 1-inch prick?
Justin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided
she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any eligible men. So
she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria:
1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband)
2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband)
AND 3. The man was good in bed.
The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the
doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help
him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad
he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that
there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied:
1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you.
2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you.
Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterium the ad." The man
in the wheelchair then asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation and how she
would have to make cutbacks...
Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without
the ironing lady.
She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the the
gardener.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl was in the shower she saw her mom's tits, and she asked when she would
get some like hers. The mom replied that when she was 16, she would get tits.
Later that day the girl took a shower with her dad. She asked what his penis
was, and he told her that it was a dick. The girl paused asking her dad when
she would get a dick, and the dad answered as soon as your mother left!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What comes one a day?
The mail.
What comes twice a day?
The mailman when the husband is away!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny?
You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a sadist?
Someone who's kind to a masochist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do toys and womens breasts have in common.
They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from
around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and
proceeds to pee in the toilet. Well, Bubba was rather well endowed and
curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough,
Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick
get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost 3
times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly
wait to try it himself! Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it
out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed
with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her
eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Found written on a restroom wall once:
Life sucks, but then again so does you girlfriend!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does a woman and a airplane have in common?
A cockpit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Various Ways To Say "Having Sex"
Bang
Be the rug doctor
Beaver shooting
Been ridin' broomsticks since she was fifteen
Bend her over and load her like a shotgun
Bit-o-the-ol'-in-out
Bite the bearded clam
Bob the knob
Boink
Bone Smuggling
Bopping
Bottom knockin'
Bounce the Brillo
Break her open like a shotgun
Buff the helmet
Buffing
Bumping uglies
Bury the hatchet
Butter her muffin
Carpet munching
Check her oil
Clean the carpet
Come to my bed and let's practice parallel parking
Cuttin' a slice
Dance the buttock jig
Dent the egg
Dip your wick
Do it
Do the horizontal mambo
Do the Wild Thing
Doing it
Doing the nasty
Dueling Bedsprings
Eat at the Y
Feed the bear
Fenorking
Fit pipe
Flat Dancing
Fooling around
Fuck
Get a leg over
Get your bone honed
Get your noodle wet
Gettin' Busy
Getting you ashes hauled
Getting your bunny boiled
Getting your canoe shellacked
Getting your horns filed
Getting your weiner wet
Give her the time
Giving her a pearl necklace
Go like a rat up a rhododendron
Goin' horizontal
Hammerin'
Hawaiian Muscle Fuck (titty-fuck)
He hasn't had his tires rotated in months
Hide and shriek
Hide the HotDog
Hide the sausage
Hiding the salami
Hobble
Hose
I wanna bust that body
I'm having lunch at the Y. It's a box lunch - furburgers!
I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe
Lay cable
Lay pipe
Lay the hen
Let's go "Whale some babes"!
Make it
Man, I'd fuck her like a tied yard-dog
Muff dive
Negotiate the forested chasm
Park his car in her garage
Pin her legs back like a Safeway chicken
Play hide the salami
Playing doctor
Poke the yolk
Poking the sushi
Poking the whisker biscuit
Pop you c==k
Pump
Put his snake through her grass
Ride the skin bus into Tuna town
Ring the cash register
Romping
Rope a poke
Saturate the ferrod
Screw
Sharpen the pencil
She hasn't had her ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs
Sink the Pink
Slam her clam
Slam some Ham
Slice the muffin
Slip her the hot beef injection
Slip her the tubesteak!
Slip her the whale
Slip the Salami
Snake her
So horny I have to stand on my hands to pee
Some nookie-nookie honey
Splooge, spunk, gack, splooey
Stoke her yoke
Strop one's beak
Stuff her muff
Stuff the bunny
Swallow the swan
Tame her shrew
Tap your tailpipe
The beast with two backs
The nasty
Tube steak boogie
Varnish one's cane
Wax your candle
Work the hairy oracle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a hen and a prostitute?
One says cock-ka-doodle-do and the other says any cock will do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny had to walk by a whorehouse on his way to school everyday. A
prostitute always sat outside and called out "Hi, Little Johnny!" (while
wiggling your pinky). Johnny asked why she always wiggled her pinky at him.
"Well that's about the size of your privates, isn't it?!?" She laughed at him.
The next day, Johnny walked by and she did it again: (wiggle your pinky) "Hi
Little Johnny" and Johnny said: (put your fingers in your mouth to spread apart
your lips and stretch out your mouth) "How you doing, lady!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or
lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was
cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went
to his bedroom, undressed and layed near his wife.
"What a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her.
"Yes. And my idiot went fishing!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy asks his Grandmother how old she is, to which she replies "That's
none of your business."
So he asks her how much she weighs and again she replies "thats none of your
business."
So he asks her why she and Grandpa sleep in separate bedrooms. Grandma gets
angry at this point and sends him off to play.
The boy goes straight to his Grandpa and explains what happened and his
grandpa tells him that Grandmothers are like that, but if he really wants to
know to, sneak a peak at her drivers license in her purse.
Later, the little boy approaches Grandma and says "I know that you are 64
years old, weigh 147 pounds, and that the reason you don't sleep with Grandpa is
because you got an "F" in 'Sex'!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at
all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids
out."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>From The Economist:
France's greatest lexicographer, Emile Littre', was once found by his wife,
in flagrante, and in the conjugal bedroom at that, with their housemaid.
Happily, the exchange that followed makes sense almost as well in English as
in French.
"Emile," cried Mrs Littre', "I am surprised!" "No, my dear," replied the
erring lexicographer calmly. "You are astonished. It is we who are surprised."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't
so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he
decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, an old French sausage maker whose sausages were renowned worldwide
decided the time had come for him to retire, but as the business had been in his
family for generations and wanted to keep it so, he was keen his not too bright
only son and heir take over the running.
When his son came home, he announced to him, "Son, the time has come for you
to take over the running my business, the business that has been in this family
for generations. Come, I have some things to show you," and with that led his
son across the courtyard to the place where he undertook his work. The son
looked around the room and found a number of strange machines, ranging from the
very old to the very modern.
His father led him to the oldest machine and started to explain:
"Son, this machine was invented by your Great-Grandfather, MY Grandfather.
With this machine, he would put an ass in this end, and two hundred sausages
would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole
of Paris!"
And with that he led his son on to the second more modern machine and
continued with his explanation:
"This machine here was invented by your Grandfather, MY father himself. With
this machine he would put an ass in this end, and two thousand sausages would
come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of
Provence!"
He next led his son to the third most modern machine:
"This machine was invented by your own father, yes, me myself. With this
machine I can put a ass after ass in this end and the sausages keep coming out
the other end in their millions. These sausages are renowned worldwide."
He then turned to his son, "So, you see, as well as taking over the running
of the business, you must make your mark of generation by inventing your own
machine."
The son then took stock of the task and proceeded to think long and hard
about what machine he could come up with to make his mark on the family
business. Finally, after quite some time the son piped up, "Papa, I have an
idea. How about if I make a machine where you put a sausage in one end, and an
ass comes out the other."
His father in disgust of the idea slapped his son saying, "You stupid boy,
such a machine already exists - it's your mother!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CEO document contents:
Document Reference: IPA/IN/666 Issue: Draft 42 Date: 15/04/83 No of Pages 4.
Author(s): Kurt Jenner Status: Definitive
Summary:
This IN describes the "API Contracept Strategy" which is the exact Converse of
the "IPA Intercept Strategy." Various contracept methods are described, and it
is concluded that an "Exocept" (Counter Contracept) Strategy may be based on a
recognition of these.
1. INTRODUCTION
------------
The IPA Intercept Strategy has been widely publicized. It also appears that many
other organizations are taking a similar approach to OSI Standardization.
However, it has been discovered that some organizations are also practising the
converse of this: the API (Active Prevention of Inter-working) Contracept
Strategy. This little known strategy is operated secretly but most effectively,
and the purpose of this IN is to bring some of its method out into the open
where they can be recognized for what they are.
2. THE CONCEPTION
--------------
The development of International Standards can be likened to the events of
conception, pregnancy and birth. At the outset, the decision to produce a
standard is made. There then follows frantic activity during which many
organizations compete to develop the standard. An International Standard can
usually trace many ancestors in its genes. Eventually the standard is born and
is given a name, which is generally quite prosaic but interestingly is always
called after the mother. The gestation period of an International Standard
depends on its mother and may be up to 5 years.
Many organizations develop their own standards, but the chief International ones
are ISO, CCITT, ECMA and ANSI. The prime focus for OSI Standardization, ISO
(Internecine Strife Organization), sees the effect of both Intercept and
Contracept Strategies; it is not accidental that "ISO" is "OSI" backwards. One
body that is very effective in getting its own way is CCITT (Comit'e pour
Conformance aux Ide'es T'el'ephiniques Totale). However, ECMA (Effective
Contracept Methods Association), provides an excellent counter to CCITT
activities. ANSI (American Nexus for Sub-committees In-fighting) finds itself
in the middle of opposing CCITT-like and ECMA-like views.
3. METHODS
-------
3.1 Sterilization
-------------
The intention here is to prevent rival organizations from producing any useful
ideas. As a rule this only delays rather than prevents effective output, but
time is of the essence in Standardization work. Sterilization methods require
attendance at rival organization meetings. Some techniques used are:
- bogging down the meeting by discussing trivia and causing diversions onto
irrelevant topics.
- introducing contributions from other organizations and insisting that they be
evaluated for consistency with the work of the organization itself.
- sending enough people to the meeting to ensure that promising ideas are voted
down.
3.2 Abstinence
----------
This method aims to ensure the involuntary absence of rival organizations from
important meetings. This is generally not a reliable method, but is practised
because of its unsettling side-effects. Its techniques include:
- holding meetings in inconvenient places (e.g. on the other side of the world)
- choosing meeting times to clash with those of rival organizations.
3.3 Rhythm Method
-------------
This method is widely practised, but is not effective for contracept purposes on
its own. The essence of it is that regular attendance (hence the name) is made
at the meetings of rival organizations. The result is insinuation into the
organization so that its members forget that the insinuator is an outsider. The
ultimate success of the Rhythm Method is being appointed as Secretary (which is
a good position to be in if facts or views have to be distorted) or even as
Chairman.
3.4 Withdrawal
----------
This is a very risky contracept tactic and requires considerable courage. The
principle is to withdraw totally from a discussion which is leading to contrary
ideas. If done properly, it not only undermines the confidence of the others in
the idea being debated, but also gives the "agent-provocateur" a chance to sow
the seeds of dissension elsewhere in other sub-groups.
3.5 The Sheath
----------
The SHEATH (System for Harassment of Enemies and Tying their Hands) is
reasonably reliable if used properly. When attempts to prevent a rival
organization from developing and bringing its own ideas to a meeting have been
unsuccessful, then various methods of frustrating effective delivery of these
ideas are available:
- ensuring that the rival organization does not get a fair hearing (it helps to
be Chairman of the meeting !)
- splitting the meeting into more sub-groups than there are members attending
from the rival organizations so that their contributions are dissipated.
3.6 The Cap
-------
As a fall-back position it is possible to use the CAP (Competitor Annihalation
Programme), although it must be applied only after the situation has been
carefully sized up. The intention is to ensure that competitive ideas, although
properly presented, fall on deaf ears. To arrange this takes real skill, but
some ploys are:
- lobbying people before the meeting to make sure that their minds are already
made up
- diminishing the status of contributions by contriving that they are given as
individual rather than organization positions
- arranging for rival contributions to be made just after lunch or as late as
possible (once again, being Chairman helps!)
3.7 The IUD
-------
IUD (Insidious Undermining of Discussion) methods come into play when, despite
all endeavours described above, a rival idea has taken root. The best option in
this case is to cause so much confusion that the idea is swamped and forgotten.
The techniques of Sterilization (section 3.1) are relevant here although in a
different context, but some specialized IUD tactics are:
- querying definitions and terminology with a view to ensuring that everyone
doubts that he understands what anyone is talking about
- quibbling over editorial niceties and getting the original ideas lost in a
discussion of their form not their content.
3.8 The Pill
--------
The PILL (Permanent Interference with Likely Leaders) is the summation of all
the contracept methods described in previous sections. It is very demanding to
sustain this, but more importantly not to get caught doing it. However, as the
very lack of recognition of contracept techniques demonstrates, the PILL can be
employed effectively and indetectably over a long period of time.
One particular development of the PILL demands description. This is the
Morning-After PILL, which is administered after the event if all else has
failed. No reliable method has been found of frustrating an idea once it has
been accepted, but research into this possibility is continuing.
4. THE CONTRACEPT STRATEGY
-----------------------
The Contracept Strategy may be applied at three levels. First of all, it may be
used against competitive developments' at an early stage. Secondly, it may be
used to make others aware of the problem and help defeat it. Finally, it may be
used to make sure that rival ideas are not brought to fruition. This culminates
in a triple contracept. It is analogous to deciding which horse should lose,
backing against it and nobbling it.
5. CONCLUSION
----------
This document has aired some of the methods of the Contracept Strategy. By
doing so, it is hoped that it has brought this subterfuge to light and may form
the basis of an Exocept (counter-contracept) Strategy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ike, Mike and Mustard were on a weekend outing staying at The Olde Log Inn
resort. Mustard decided to take a nature hike and ended up missing for two
days. When he turned up in the local infirmary literally beaten to a pulp Ike
and Mike rushed to see what had happened. According to Mustard, he had gotten
lost. After wandering around for what seemed like hours he finally spotted a
parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat. Unfortunately, the
last thing he remembers was sticking his head through the window and asking "How
far is The Olde Log Inn?"
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A man and his girl friend wanted to engage in passionate sex for the first
time. He pulled off his socks.
"What happened to your toes?" she asked.
"Tolio" he said, as he pulled off his pants.
"What happened to your knees?"
"Kneesles" he said.
He took off his underwear.
She said: "Don't tell me, smallpox, right?"
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A guy and a girl are in bed, screwing, when he says to her, "Turn over. I
want to fuck you up the ass."
"You want to fuck me up the ass?" she repeats, unbelievingly. "Isn't that a
little presumptuous?"
"Presumptuous?" he counters. "Isn't that a big word for a seven-year-old?
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Did you know that 60% of all women are battered?
And I've been eating plain all this time!
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What is the similarity between cunnilingus and the Mafia?
One slip of the tounge and you are in deep shit.
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George Burns is a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show.
Oprah: George, you're around 90 years old, and you still have women hanging all
over you. What's your secret?
Burns: Well, Oprah, I'm simply the greatest lover in the world, and once a
woman finds that out, she refuses to let me go.
Oprah: Seriously, George... do you spoil them with lavish presents for being
your sex toys? I mean, I can't imagine a man of your age being the
world's greatest lover!
Burns: I am serious, Oprah... in fact, if you don't believe me, stop by my
dressing room after the show and I'll show you first hand.
Oprah: Ok, you're on.
After the show, Oprah stops by George's dressing room and they start to go at
it. Oprah is having the time of her life, and George is really living up to his
claim. After about two hours, George stops pumping...
Burns: Listen, Oprah, I've gotta take a nap for a while, but if you keep both
of your hands wrapped around my dick, I'll wake up soon and we can go at
it again.
So she does, and after about a half hour George wakes up and they start going at
it again. A while later, after Oprah's fourth orgasm, George takes another
breather and again says:
Burns: Oprah, Oprah, you're holding up great, and I want to keep giving it to
you, but I've gotta take another nap. Hold my dick with both your
hands, and when I wake up, we can go at it again.
Oprah: Oh, George, you really are the greatest lover in the world, and I can
understand why a man your age would need to take a break now and then,
but I don't understand why I need to keep both hands on your dick while
you're sleeping.
Burns: That's easy, babe... the last time I had sex with a black girl in my
dressing room, she stole my wallet while I was asleep.
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just talking
'girl' talk.
Emma: My word Matilda! You and Johnny were married for quite some time.
How many years was that anyway?
Matilda: Oh, we were married for 65 wonderous years.
Emma: My-oh-my-oh-my! But can you tell me in all that time did you two ever
have mutual orgasm?
Matilda: I don't think so. I believe we had State Farm.
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Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!
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Did you hear about the "day after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.
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I'm such a lousy lover... One day, I caught a peeping tom booing me!
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Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...BEAUTY!
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Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Intercourse, you go between periods and you are expected to come.
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For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon
trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still
there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when
they arrive. The husband says "I'll just nip around by their window and see
what they do - we can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"
Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged
in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with
their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them
between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around
his erect member. After a few minutes of this they rush together and make
tumultuous love.
The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his
eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more
inflamed herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says: "Run right
out for some grapefruit and lifesavers!"
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Did you know there are four different types of orgasms? They are:
The positive orgasm: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!"
The negative orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!"
The spiritual orgasm: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!"
The fake orgasm: "Oh Steve, Ohh Steeeve, OH STEEEEEEEEVE!"
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Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her 6 male friends?
She came home with a red snapper.
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A pleasure boat captain leased out his craft and services to an old and
affluent man and his young, very beautiful mistress. As misfortune would have
it, a storm wrecked the boat and stranded the three of them on some far away
island. The island was quite small and had only one tree which was often used
to look-out for passing ships.
The cramped quarters on the island made it very difficult for the captain to
pursue the young mistress. Even if the old man was on look out, there was no
cover for him to take her and have his way. She had already expressed her
desire to comply, but they could never get away from the view of the old man.
Finally, the captain gets an idea. The next time he is in the tree on look
out, he shouts down to the couple below, "Hey, stop having sex down there!" The
next day, he does the same thing. "Hey, stop having sex down there!", he says.
This continues for a couple of more days until the old man takes watch. As
soon as the old man is up the tree, the captain makes his move with the
mistress. The old guy sees what's going on below and thinks to himself, "Gee,
from up here, it does look like they're having sex."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are three kinds of sex in a marriage.
The first is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll
have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen.
The second kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The third kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the
hallway and say "Fuck you."
There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.
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For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know something
that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during
pregnancy.
During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
"What the heck is wolf style?", you ask.
That's when you sit by the hole and howl!
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>From a list of statistics in the September issue of Glamour Magazine...
1. Most marriages occur in June. The least number of marriages occur in
January.
2. If you are 18 and over, you have a 64% chance of marrying.
3. Men are 37% more likely than women to remain single - at least until age 55.
4. If you are a professional woman, you have a 55% chance you will find love in
your office. And, love that starts at work tends to last longer than
romance that originates in a single's bar or health club.
5. Men and women's peak years for marrying are between 25 and 29. In second
place for women: the years 20 to 24. In second place for men: 30 to 34.
6. Women have a 33% chance of marrying a younger man. This is considerably
higher than ten years ago.
7. The chances of a marriage enduring forever are slim. Median duration of a
marriage in the U.S. is 7 years.
8. Marriage after divorce?: Women have a 78% chance of remarrying, while men
have an 83% chance. 7% of women will remarry within 1 year, 35.7% within 3
years, and 49.4% within 5 years.
9. Women whose parents are divorced have 50% more likely to divorce than women
whose parents stayed together. For men, there is a 23% greater likelihood.
10. Premarital cohabitation increases the chance of divorce by 80%. Some
sociologists say this means that couples who lived together may not feel as
"bound" by their vows.
11. People who marry at 24 are more likely to divorce than those who marry at
34. The divorce rate is particularly high for men and women who marry in
their twenties, and declines steadily thereafter.
12. Your chances of marrying someone from another race are less than 1 in 50.
13. Only 6% of divorced women collect alimony.
14. In this age of AIDS, single women between 18 and 44 are sexually more
active.
15. The immune systems of married women function better than those of unmarried
women thereby lowering the risk of AIDS. Happy marriages produce even
healthier immune systems.
16. 85% of divorced or separated women say they are happy with their single
status, while only 58% of the men are happy with theirs.
17. Women who are romance novel addicts have sex 74% more often than women who
read less stimulating material.
18. American made condoms have a 12% failure rate while foreign models have a
21% rupture rate.
19. 50% of single women approve of premarital sex.
20. Only 12% of women who are able to become pregnant are using no
contraception.
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This old couple Mavis and Ron are sitting at their front porch.
Mavis : Fuck you Ron.
Ron: Fuck you Mavis.
Mavis : Fuck you Ron.
Ron: Fuck you Mavis.
They continue for about 2 hours; finally they stop.
Mavis : Well Ron, oral sex all it's cracked up to be?
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What's Rodeo Sex?
Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from
the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her "This is the way your
sister likes it too."
You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.
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A boyfriend and girlfriend were visiting the zoo one day. They stopped
outside the gorilla cage and decided to observe the gorilla's habits. The
gorilla seemed bemused by the couple and just sat there doing absolutely
nothing.
After several minutes of staring at the gorilla, the boyfriend said to his
girlfriend "Lift up your blouse and show him your tits".
The girlfriend, at first, refused but then decided that it might be amusing
to see how the gorilla would react. She hoisted up her top and the gorilla
immediately raised his eyebrows.
Seeing the gorilla's reaction the boyfriend said "Drop your pants and show
him your ass".
The girlfriend dropped her pants and showed the gorilla her ass. The gorilla
began to pant and had sweat pouring off his gorilla eyebrows. He started jumping
up and down and running around his cage.
The boyfriend then said to his girlfriend "Now drop your pants and show him
your pussy".
The girlfriend hesitated for only a moment and then drop her pants and showed
the gorilla her pussy. The gorilla was now going completely crazy with sweat
pouring off his brows and an enormous gorilla hard-on. He was jumping up and
down frantically.
The boyfriend then pushed his girlfriend into the cage! She was shaking in
the corner and as the gorilla approached her, the boyfriend said "NOW TELL HIM
YOU'VE GOT A HEADACHE!"
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An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life:
Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in
wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in
chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my
dick on the curtains, and my wife, she goes wild.
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Once upon a time there was a little sperm. He lived with many thousands of
other litter sperm, but this little sperm was different. He dreamed endlessly
of the glorious day (or night, most likely) when he and his friends would be
released to accomplish their great mission in life. The man they inhabited,
however, practiced coitus interruptus, and at the moment of orgasm, the small
army found itself denied release.
One night, the little sperm told his pals: "Enough of this! The next time he
arrives at the point of orgasm, let's make a concentrated rush."
The big moment arrived, but one of the vanguard yelled: "Back up! Back up!
He's in the asshole!"
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Why are Brussel Sprouts like pubic hair?
You just push them aside and carry on eating.
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A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford was to
share a house with an elderly couple. What's worse is that they have to sleep
on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older couple slept on the lower half.
Needless to say, the young couple wanted sex often. Instead of asking the
question explicitly, for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use
the code "eating orange" for sex.
So every night, the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel like
eating orange?".
This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband asked,
"Honey, do you feel like eating orange?", to which the old man from below
interrupted,
"You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you please not
drip the orange juices down here!"
- *******************************************************************************