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Humor: Medical (140) - Part 1
January 23, 1992
bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu
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[1]
This girl in the middle teens has a lisping problem so she visits a doctor.
Beginning the examination, the doctor puts on his stethoscope and says,
"Big breath."
She replies, "Yeth, and I am not even thikteen."
==
[2]
A Senator dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. There is a long line there
so the Senator goes to the head of the line and says, "I'm Senator
Blamsphey." Saint Peter looks at him and says, "You'll have to wait in
line like anybody else." Shortly thereafter, a lawyer shows up and goes
to the head of the line. Saint Peter sends him back, too. Then, a
former Prime Minister dies and the same thing happens.
A little while later, this doctor comes strolling by, goes to the head
of the line, and Saint Peter lets him into Heaven. Well, the Senator,
lawyer, and ex-Prime Minister are quite upset, so they go to Saint Peter
and ask him why they let a doctor through but they wouldn't talk to
them. Saint Peter says, "Oh. That was no doctor. That was God; he
just likes playing doctor."
==
[3]
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have
24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?
What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
==
[4]
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would
you like to hear first?
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both
of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on
your slippers.
==
[5]
Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I
tell first?
Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.
Doctor: All Right. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped,
your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you
have AIDS."
Patient: Good grief! What's the good news?
Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.
==
[6]
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not
important now!
==
[7]
Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, don't do that.
==
[8]
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again.
==
[9]
An young man, on his first visit to a big city decides to go visit
the local whore house. A little while later he starts to feel sick.
He goes to see a doctor of internal medicine.
The doctor examines him and says, "Well son, I don't know how to tell
you this, but you've got a bad case of Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and about
12 other things I can't spell. I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you
this medicine. It'll make you get better but it'll also cause your dick
to shrivel up and disappear. It's going to cost you $1000."
This doesn't make our friend very happy so he goes and sees a surgeon.
The surgeon examines him and says "Sorry, but it looks like a nice mix of
Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and a few other things to boot. Afraid I'm going to
have to cut your dick off and charge you $2000."
By this time the guy is desperate so he goes to see a doctor of holistic
medicine. The doctor examines him and comes to essentially the same
conclusion as the other doctors: an advanced case of V.D. However, his
approach to the problem is designed to save the patient unnecessary expense,
trauma, and worry: "Look, just go home and eat lots of good food, get plenty
of rest, and gets lots of sunshine and fresh air. Wait about two weeks and
your dick will fall off all by itself."
==
[10]
A woman goes to a doctor with a problem.
She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very
hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually the doctor
manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually
perverted.
"What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor.
"Well," said the woman, "I like to be ... ohh ... ah ... ummm ...
I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it."
"Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained
to understand these problems. So what's the matter ...?"
So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that
she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint.
It was then the doctor had a bright idea. "Look," he said, "I'm
a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion
is, I'll show you what mine is. Ok? Is it a deal?"
The woman considered the offer, and after a short while agreed
that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause she said:
"Well my perversion is ... my perversion ... oh ... I like to
be kissed on the bottom!"
"Shit Is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen,
take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY
perversion is! Hee Hee!"
So the woman does as she is told, and undresses behind the screen.
She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, "Hmmmm, perhaps he
might kiss me on the bum."
Anyway, 15 minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers
around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk,
his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself.
"Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you said you were a pervert?"
"Oh I am," said the doctor, "I've just shit in your handbag."
==
[11]
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are
the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.
But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
"Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little
change..."
==
[12]
A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor.
Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can't (FFFART!!)
stop farting.
Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach
down, on the couch.
The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man
farting all the time.
Doctor: Ah ha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment.
The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp
spike at one end.
Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with
(FFFARTT!!) that ?!
Doctor: I need to open a window.
==
[13]
There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one
says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City."
The second one says "My son has done better than that. He is the best
Doctor in New York City." The third one says "My son has not done that well.
He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two
great boyfriends....One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other
is the best doctor in the city."
==
[14]
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged
farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this
morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started
working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the
farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if
there was anything I wanted.
I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked.
"I'm sure, I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to
know. "I reckon not" I replied ...
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to
do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned
on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
==
[15]
There was two businessmen, whose names happened to be Mr Turtle and Mr
Carrot, and one day as they were coming back from lunch Mr Turtle says
to Mr Carrot, "You know, you're getting fat", to which Mr Carrot says
"You're not so slim yourself!". So Mr Turtle says "Ok, we'll see who
is the least fit, race you back to the office" So the race starts, and
they'd only got about a block down the street when Mr Turtle crosses
the road in front of a car and gets bowled. Mr Carrot sees that he's
in a pretty bad way, so he rushes to the phone and calls Mr Cabbage,
the ambulance driver. Mr Cabbage duly arrives and piles Mr Turtle
into the Ambulance and rushes to hospital. Mr Turtle follows and as
soon as he gets to the Hospital he asks the nurse at Accident and
Emergency, Miss Cauliflower, whether he will be alright. "Miss
Cauliflower, Miss Cauliflower, will Mr Turtle be alright?" she replies
"Well, i couldn't really say, you'll have to ask Dr Bean". So he
rushes over to Doctor Bean and says, "Doctor Bean, Doctor Bean, will
Mr Turtle be alright?" and the Doctor says "Well, I wouldn't like to
say, you'd best ask the specialist, Doctor Pea", so of course, Mr
Carrot rushes over to Doctor Pea and says "Doctor Pea, Doctor Pea,
will Mr Turtle be alright?", and Doctor Pea says "I've done all I can
for him, it's all in the hands of the Surgeon, Dr Turnip" So Mr Carrot
waits outside the surgery for 3 hours until they have finished the
operation, and rushes up to Dr Turnip and says "Doctor Turnip, Doctor
Turnip, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and Dr Turnip turns to him and
says "We did all we could, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the
rest of his life..."
==
[16]
One night in the pub, the publican is lamenting the fact that business
is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans to some of the
regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders
over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.
I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate
some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some
of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my
patients will have a night out."
Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a
quiet night appeals, so he agrees. So, the following Tuesday the guy in the
tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics. He says to the
publican, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up
at closing time."
The publican has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the
loonies to eat crisps and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting
drunk but they behave themselves. At closing time the publican adds up the
bill and it comes to just over a hundred pounds! The guy with the glasses
and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back
to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican,
feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his
bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount. "Its eighty
quid," he says.
The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got
change for a dustbin lid?"
==
[17]
A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients
behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his
bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not
unlike a Kenworth...VRROOOOM,VRRROOOOMM,....SCREEEECH.......
"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor.
"I'm taking this road train down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker.
Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the
next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath
the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down
into the mattress.
"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.
"Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona I'm f*****g his wife."
==
[18a]
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long.
What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do
you smoke?"
"Oh.. half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking."
The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer
or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat
only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."
The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more
sex for you. None."
The man is appalled.
"Doc... are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem
like an eternity!"
*OR*
[18b]
A guy goes to his doctor and is told that he has 6 months to live.
"6 months!!" he exclaimed. "What am I supposed to do in only 6 months?"
His doctor told him, "Marry a JAP and move to Montana."
"Why?" the guy asked.
"Because 6 months will seem like an eternity!"
==
[19]
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why
she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,
Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for
birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth
control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep
better at night."
==
[20]
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns
over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. Later, he rolls
back over and taps his wife again. This time he wispers in her ear,
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?".
==
[21]
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me
$5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.
But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the
donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
==
[22]
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms,
how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind
of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription,
and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that*
doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
==
[23]
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the
man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to
replace the missing ball with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he
added, "I've had some strange side effects."
"What's that that?" the doctors asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a
blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger
stand I get a hard-on".
==
[24]
In my hometown a well known rich businessman's wife broke her
hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the
operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip
and putting in a screw to secure it.
The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a
fee for his services of $5000. The businessman was outraged at
the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list
of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:
1 screw $ 1
knowing how to put it in $4999
-----
$5000
The businessman never argued.
==
[25]
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has
any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about
the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more...
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
==
[26]
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to
begin working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam,
I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies,
"Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
==
[27]
A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery.
As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet,
and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this
happens she say "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" The man
replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
==
[28]
"Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table
you've ruined this month!"
==
[29]
An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man. After about 6
months together the woman wasn't feeling well and she went
to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations
Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."
"Get serious Doctor, I'm 80."
"I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have said it
was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."
"I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office.
She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the
telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.
"Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed,
"You rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!"
There was a pause on the line. Finally her husband answered
"Who's calling please?"
==
[30]
There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles
around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet
and asked him to look after things while he was gone. The vet
asked, "Is anything happening?"
The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due but I don't think the baby
will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it.
This is her third and the first two went really easily."
The vet said "OK" and the doctor went on the fishing trip. When
he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was
gone?"
"Pretty good."
"Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?"
"Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine."
"Did you have any trouble?"
"Well, there was just one little problem."
"What was that?"
"I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"
==
[31]
In recent discussions on today's serious diseases, one of the most serious
has been neglected: anneurisms. Although it is more properly categorized
as an event (like a heart attack) than a disease, there are many variations
which many people not be aware of:
* People at sporting events frequently suffer from Fanneurisms.
* Baseball fans in particular have Stan-the-manneurisms.
* People from Southern California have Tanneurisms while
* people from New Jersey have Rosanne-rosannadanneurisms.
* Buddhist monks often have Yin-Yanneurisms and
* overweight people suffer from Fat-in-the-canneurisms.
* On the highway, people get Vanneurisms but
* truckers uniquely suffer from Carrivanneurisms.
* Japanese movie fans have Rodanneurisms.
* Much of the middle class suffer from Suburbanneurisms.
* Woman most often have Manneurisms while
* men usually have Womanneurisms.
==
[32]
One day John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and
see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he
could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine
sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John
complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
"So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said.
"The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.
"No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that
he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical
condition with total accuracy. John didn't believe a word of this but
he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.
Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and
his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine.
When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in
the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to
his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his
crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in
the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it
to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John
was ushered in to see the doctor.
The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass.
Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to
through a rod, and if you don't stop beating off that tennis elbow is
never gonna heal!"
==
[33]
Q: How many pre-meds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to hold the light bulb, and two to pull out the chair
from under him!
A: None: premeds don't screw, they study.
==
[34]
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
==
[35]
A notorious hypochondriac who had established himself as the like and soul
of most dinner parties with outlandish descriptions of various ailments,
sat through one evening scarcely saying a word.
"What's the matter?" asked the hostess, "Don't tell me it's so awful you
can't even talk about it."
"It's not that," replied the guest. "It's just that I went to a new
doctor this morning and he cured all my topics of conversation."
==
[36]
A Cold is both positive and negative; sometimes the eyes have it,
sometimes the nose.
==
[37]
A patient suffering from insomnia was told by her doctor to be sure
that she never went to bed on an empty stomach, but always had something to
eat first.
"But, once you told me never to eat before going to bed," replied the
puzzled patient."
"That was last year," her doctor reassured her, "Medicine has made
enormous advances since then."
==
[38]
A recently graduated GP prescribed some suppositories for one of his less
erudite patients, telling him to insert one in his rectum each morning
and evening and to come back a week later. At the next consultation, it was
obvious that the man had not followed the doctor's instructions. "Have you
been doing what I told you?" asked the doctor.
"'Course I have."
"Inserting them into your rectum?"
"Yes"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes ... what do you expect me to do, stick them up me bloody ass."
==
[39]
"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling
in her compartment.
"I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.
"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."
==
[40]
The resident began his examination of an Elderly man by asking him
what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance."
==
[41]
You've heard the definition of a drug: any substance which, when
injected into a laboratory animal, produces a publication.
==
[42]
Not long ago, a teaching hospital installed a computer to interview
patients visiting its Gynecology department. Apparently several of the
programmers were not familiar with Medicine. One of the questions it asked
was, "Are you having your monthly period now?" If the answer was 'yes', the
computer would sent the woman away and make a new appointment -- in four
weeks time. (Think about that one for a minute.)
==
[43]
It is said that the Limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs:
Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.
==
[44]
It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of
the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds
by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse
to fetch him a sample of Urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes
mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of
a diabetic ... " By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which
the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw
colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar
then startled us.
He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the
tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips
rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was
passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
all of us foolishly licked that finger.
"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learned the first principle
of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. We stood
near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous
patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing
triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my
INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
==
[45]
Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
surgeon and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment
District. For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish."
It was rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was
curious. "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you
told them, after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
"I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
"Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
"The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
"The test or the room?"
"The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
"The nurses? The food?" asked Fats. But Bernard shook his head no.
Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did
this great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God,
all you tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here?
Why, Bernie, why?"
"Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
==
[46]
Laws of the House of God
I GOMERS(*) DON'T DIE.
II GOMERS GO TO GROUND.
III AT A CARDIAC ARREST, THE FIRST
PROCEDURE IS TO TAKE YOUR OWN PULSE.
IV THE PATIENT IS THE ONE
WITH THE DISEASE.
V PLACEMENT COMES FIRST.
VI THERE IS NO BODY CAVITY THAT
CANNOT BE REACHED WITH A #14
NEEDLE AND A GOOD STRONG ARM.
VII AGE + BUN = LASIX DOSE.
VIII THEY CAN ALWAYS HURT YOU MORE.
IX THE ONLY GOOD ADMISSION
IS A DEAD ADMISSION.
X IF YOU DON'T TAKE A TEMPERATURE,
YOU CAN'T FIND A FEVER.
XI SHOW ME A BMS(**) WHO ONLY TRIPLES
MY WORK AND I WILL KISS HIS FEET.
XII IF THE RADIOLOGY RESIDENT
AND THE BMS BOTH SEE A
LESION ON THE CHEST X-RAY,
THERE CAN BE NO LESION THERE.
XIII THE DELIVERY OF MEDICAL CARE IS
TO DO AS MUCH NOTHING AS POSSIBLE.
(*) Acronym for 'Get Out of My Emergency Room' - you'll have to read the
book for the true effect.
(**) BMS: a third year medical student on his ward clerkship, particularly
on from 'Best Medical School'.
==
[47]
In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells
of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems
one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three
complaints. "Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth,
and I can't remember nothin' besides."
Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the
apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them
both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well.
Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then
yelled out, "Yeachhhhh... this stuff tastes like shee-it."
"Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're
certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you're memory
is acting up, just take the other pill."
And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way,
and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.
==
[48]
There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be
differentiated by the following method:
-General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
-Surgeons know little and do everything.
-Internists knows everything and do nothing.
-Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's
usually too late.
==
[49]
Everywhere this lady went nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked
her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this
would happen. So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on.
She thought that maybe there was a problem with her. The doctor told her
he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on
the table, so she did. He told her to open her mouth and he checked it.
Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said
to the lady, "Know what your problem is, you have zactly." The lady then
asked, "What is zactly?" The doctor said, "Lady your mouth smells zactly
like your ass."
==
[50]
After much soul-searching and having determined the husband was infertile,
the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the
woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist
down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor
came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down
his pants!
"Wait a minut! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling
herself into a sitting position.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.
"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out
of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
==
[51]
This lady has delivered a baby but unfortunately her husband was out on a
business tour. When he returned, he rushed to the hospital to see the baby.
The nurse led him to a room where a couple of babies were lying on a bed.
One of them was chubby while the other was skinny.
He asks the nurse pointing to the skinny one, "Is that my baby??"
The nurse replies, "No, no, the other one's yours. And you know this one
is a product of artificial insemination.
"Just as I had heard, spare the rod and spoil the child!!"
==
[52]
This German guy wants to marry this Polish lady, but Poland has a law that
you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other
words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed.
So he goes to his doctor and says, "I've just GOT to marry this woman,
I love her so much..."
So the doctor says, "Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room
they go...
Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, "We
are VERRRRRYYYY sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead
of 50%."
The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!"
==
[53]
"You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor turned you over and thought
he had twins."
"You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor spanked your mom."
==
[54]
Did you hear? Ray Charles was involved in a car accident last Friday.
Ray, in shock, was taken to the hospital. Because of severe injuries, the
left leg had to be amputated.
Later on, when Ray regained consciousness, the doctor said "Ray, I have some
good news and some bad news."
"Doc, give me the bad news first."
"We had to amputate your left leg," said the doctor.
"Oh....What's the good news?" asked Ray.
"YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE, BABY, UH HUH!"
==
[55]
Mary had a little lamb
The doctors were astounded
And everywhere that Mary went
Gynecologists surrounded.
When Mary had a little lamb,
The doctors were surprised;
When Old MacDonald had a farm,
The doctors nearly died.
[56]
This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has
the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old
buddies about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that
silicon into your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt
it." "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!"
"Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt
was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain."
==
[57]
Why do doctors spank new-borns?
So the balls fall off the dumb ones!
==
[58]
A woman goes to the hospital to visit a girlfriend who is about to
have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks
the doctor:
Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects
the organ?
Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been
in business?
Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does
that have to do with anything?
Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an
organ yet!
==
[59]
Patient: "Doctor, there's a tulip growing from my ears."
Doctor: "That's the strangest thing I have ever heard."
Patient: "Yes indeed, I've been planting radishes!"
==
[60]
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me.
I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE
a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE
a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to
take yourself in hand."
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
==
[61]
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors
searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you
lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for
an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
==
[62]
Comedian's monologue:
Some of you women have been afraid to get breast augmentations. There are
problems with the surgery, the risk of infection, silicone slippage, etc.
We have good news for you. Physicians have just discovered a new process.
They now have invented a safe operation which makes men's hands smaller.
==
[63]
From the Manchester Guardian Weekly, Oct. 6, 1991
This dead parrot is difunto
---------------------------
By John Hooper in Madrid
A question left hanging by John Cleese-- what is the value of a dead parrot?--
has finally been resolved by a Barcelona judge. His honour Antonio Nunio
de la Rosa has ruled that a dead parrot is worth 150,000 pesetas ($815).
He was awarding damages to Maria del Carmen Dotras, whose parrot (male,
green) died, passed away, turned moribund, ceased to exist, and, in short,
became defunct two years ago in the city's Vall d'Hebron hospital. Ms. Dotras,
who lives with her mother, had owned the bird for 23 years, since she was 12.
Her family doctor suspected the parrot might be the cause of an allergy
her mother had developed. He wanted it to have a blood test, and told her
it would be better done by a doctor than a vet. This proved not to be the
case.
According to Ms. Dotras, the doctors virtually suffocated the bird by
putting a towel over its head, and took out six times as much blood as they
were supposed to. Eventually, a consultant ordered it to be put out of its
misery.
Ms. Dotras put the dead bird in the freezer, to facilitate an autopsy. In
fact, the deep freezing made it impossible to determine the cause of death.
But as Judge Nunio de la Rosa observed in judgement-- passages of which might
have come from a Monty Python script: "The parrot has been deceased, and
cannot be revived." He decided the hospital authorities and the doctor
responsible should pay the sum equivalent to a new bird. He dismissed
Ms. Dotra's claim for damages of one million pesetas ($5,435). This had been
based, in part, on th argument that her parrot could talk.
Drawing a fine distinction that will be of assistance in future, similar
cases, the judge ruled that it merely "articulated sounds similar to those
of people." "If the parrot had been able to talk," he reasoned, "it would
have complained."
==
[64]
What is the proper medical term for the CIRCUMCISION of a rabbit?
A Hare Cut.
==
[65]
This is a brief introduction to GAG, a new action group designed to help
out those who are less fortunate than us. Yes, you know who I am talking
about. Germs. GAG (Germs Are Good), is a group for the protection of
innocent germs.
Have you ever thought about the thousands and thousands and thousands of
Germs you are killing when you take unnecessary medicine? No, I bet you
haven't. Well, now is the time to take notice.
GAG will be forming a Political Action Committee (PAC), to lobby for the
banning of all antibiotics, sterilization equipment and the establishment
of local neighborhood germ growing areas.
Addresses and Membership Information will be posted in the next few days.
Our Creedo... Remember, when you take that medicine, GAG.
The protection of Germs rights is of the upmost priority. A civilization
is judged not on it's technical prowess, but on how it treats it's germs.
==
[66]
A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that
is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.
They begin by visiting some of the patients.
The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is
practicing ballet.
One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of
here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive
member of society."
"Wow, that's wonderful."
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of
books next to him.
The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?"
"I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can
enter medical school when I get out"
Room after room they witnessed the incredible success
and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally
reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to
open. Finally he was persuaded to open it.
Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.
The reaction of the psychiatrist, "My God what are you
doing?"
"I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here"
==
[67]
Heard that Hollywood is making a movie about the dangers of casual sex?
Its called "Germs of Endearment"
==
[68a]
An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing
their respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening.
The English fellow mentioned how that British medicine had progressed
so far that doctors recently had taken a single liver and cut it into
six pieces then transplanted it into six separate men in need of a healthy
liver. This had resulted in six new workers in the job market.
At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had cut a
lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people in need
of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the job market.
Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the U.S., we
took one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million people
in the market for a job!"
*OR*
[68b]
Three men sitting around a campfire telling stories. The conversation
turns to medical miracles:
First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to
work in construction. One day last year his hand got run over by a
bulldozer. Whatever those doctors did, it's really amazing - today
he's a concert pianist.
Second man: That's nothing. I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I
ever knew. He was really fat and out of shape. He was trying to
hitch a ride one day and got hit by a truck. Broke nearly every damn
bone in his body. Somehow they put him back together better than he
was before. Now he's a triathlete and he's planning to try out for
the Olympics.
Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't do a
whole lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave
him a job as a stockboy. Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one
day and gets locked in. It's dark and he can't find the door. Not
being too bright, he lit a match to try and find his way. The whole
place exploded. All they could find of him was his asshole and his
eyebrows. From that little bit they were able to put him back
together and that kid became governor of Massachusetts.
==
[69]
There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went
to see the Doctor about it. The doctor says to him "Well, it must be
your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well,
actually, I only eat peas, i hate all other green foods". The doctor
was quite shocked at this and says "Well man, that's your problem, all
those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them
up!!". The guy says "But how long for, i mean i really like peas!"
and the doctor replies "Forever, i'm afraid". The man is quite
shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition
improves, so he realises that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway,
one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and
getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says "Well, ashully, i'd
love a cigarette, cozi avint ad a smoke in four years, i gave it up".
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, i haven't had a
game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so i
gave it up!" and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, i haven't ad a
pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming "Ok, everyone who
can't swim, grab a table...."
==
[70]
Medical Terminology for the Layman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Artery -- The study of fine paintings
Barium -- What you do when CPR fails
Caesarean Section -- A district in Rome
Colic -- A sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
Dilate -- To live longer
Fester -- Quicker
G. I. Series -- Baseball games between teams of soldiers
Grippe -- A suitcase
Hangnail -- A coat hook
Medical Staff -- A doctor's cane
Minor Operation -- Coal digging
Morbid -- A higher offer
Nitrate -- Lower than the day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Organic -- Musical
Outpatient -- A person who has fainted
Post-operative -- A letter carrier
Protein -- In favor of young people
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Serology -- Study of English knighthood
Tablet -- A small table
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose veins -- veins that are close together
==
[71]
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to
uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight
into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any
mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your
means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT
IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
==
[72]
Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites
Jim's prick! "AAIIIIIII!!" He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?"
"We should call for a doctor."
WHAMMM ! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone box.
Johnny goes in, calls a doctor.
RING, RING. RING, RING.
J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do?
D: What kind of snake?
J: A one meter, green-yellow one.
D: Aye, aye.
J: ?
D: Those are very dangerous.
J: What can we do?
D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise
your friend will be dead within half an hour.
Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking
already, asks what the doctor said.
Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.
==
[73]
A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just
congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to
hand. The mother looked startled.
The doctor then said, "Here catch," and promptly tossed the baby to the
mother, but it landed on the window ledge and fell out the window. The lady
shrieked and said, "You bastard, you've killed my baby!"
The doctor replied, "April Fool, it was dead already!"
==
[74]
A blond guy visits the hospital.
"I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully.
"Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with
your wife?"
"Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!"
So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively simple, the blond guy
only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his way home, he meets a
friend.
"Well, hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of days," his friend says.
"No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond.
"Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!"
"Really? So, what's up?"
"I'm going to be vaccinated."
"Oh, shit!! That's what it's called!"
==
[75]
Two gynecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what
cases they have had the past year.
1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons.
2: Incredible, so big?
1: Yes
2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon.
1: Waaw, so big?
2: No, so sour
==
I hope you enjoyed these jokes. If you know anymore please send them
to me. Thanks to Henry Cate II -- a lot of this stuff is from his
legendary Life collection.
Bob (bobk@gibdo.engr.washington)