💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › JOKES › jokin-28.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 09:36:28.
View Raw
More Information
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
My favorite manual was shown to me by my brother. He was
working for HP in Corvallis OR on the HP-85 and somehow
got a copy of the HP-85 operations guide that the docs
people had done as a gag. The guide had a praticularly
memorable photo that was captioned:
"Figure 1. View of ON/OFF POWER switch as seen while
leaning over from front of machine looking at back."
Above the caption was an *upside down* picture of the rear
of the HP-85, just as the caption explained.
}> But I don't have an ANY key on my keyboard!
}Yes! I've had a user complain about not having an 'ANY' key.
}So, I said to her "Pick a key .. any key you like!"
}She pressed the SHIFT key ... and (you guessed it) nothing happened.
}I had to then try and explain to her why she couldn't use the
}SHIFT , CTRL and CAPS LOCK keys.
And of course, after you reflect on it there is hardly any reason to be so
'helpful' and make the program so general, instead of simply having it read
"And then hit the space bar"
and be done with it -- no ambiguity, no confusion, no nothing...
My favorite story from my days selling PCs on the phone was the guy who
called up and wanted to order a _slot_. After some cross-examination,
he finally explained that he'd bought a bus mouse, and the box said
"requires one slot".
I worked as a computer lab monitor while I was attending college. We
had an IBM PS/2 Model 25 out front, running a "Welcome" message. Taped
to it was a sign that said "You must give your I.D. to the monitor". So, the
new users, eager to demonstrate their new-found computer knowledge, did just
that. They gave their ID to the "monitor" by putting it in the drive slot!!
The guy who kept losing his disk, so he decided he'd stick it to the fridge
with a magnet...
The guy who was running an application, and got an error message "door open",
so he got up and closed the office door....
The guy who tried to format 6 disks at once by stuffing them all in the drive..
The guy who read in the manual that he needed a 'clean disk', so he put one
in the dishwasher...
Here's a dialog, related to me by one of my co-workers, who was helping
a novice unix user, and needed to check a configuration file..
support-engr> ...ok, do a "more" on /etc/hosts.
customer> it says, "moron: command not found".
The topic on credit cards in macs, etc. reminds me of a story I heard
(on this net? probly). A support type gets a call from a customer
having problems with booting their system. They said it sure was a
pain getting the floppy out of the cardboard wrapper and why did
they package them that way? (He was trying to remove the floppy
from its case!)
- many* years ago I worked at Datapoint Corporation in San Antonio, TX. We
received a call one day (tech support) from a customer who said that he
couldn't get his system to read a particular diskette. Our rep asked the
guy to make a copy of the diskette, send it to us, and we'd see what we
could do. Well, a few days later, an envelope arrived from the customer.
When we opened it, there was a copy of the diskette --- a nice, 8-1/2 x 11
Xerox copy. THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!! Kind of scary, isn't it...
=====================================================================
Here's a listing of some rather interesting laws which were
passed in the U.S. Taken from the Seattle P-I (Tuesday, Sep. 4 page
B-9) with no permission whatsoever. All spellings mistakes are mine.
These excerpts are from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton
(Walker; $8.95) Enjoy!..................
In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within
the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with
whom he is unaquainted."
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at
the same time.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars
to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket
and pants that do not match.
In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a
farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie
house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four
hours of eating garlic.
In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind
of strapless gown.
In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city
street and drink beer from a bucket.
In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an
automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on
the couple's own property.
In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while
walking on your hands.
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without
her husband's permission.
In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a
second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take
a lion to the movies.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her
clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. (ed: ???)
In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed
to tell jokes or humerous stories from the pulpit during a church
service.
In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within
1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at
night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10
minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."
In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear
unshaven in public (includes legs and face).
In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife
with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2
inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider
strap.
In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any
highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two
officers or unless she be armed with a club"
An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this
statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor
exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."
=======================================================================
The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
----------------------------------------------------------------
1960's
------
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price. What is his profit?
1970's
------
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price, i.e. $8. What is his profit?
1970's (New Math)
-----------------
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money. The cardinality
of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1. Draw 10 big
dots representing the elements of M.
The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M.
Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the
cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red).
1980's
------
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8 and his
profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.
1990's
------
A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos. Analiz this tekst
and sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and
than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch.
There's probably a "0" chance that you took a course in probability. :-)
A new benchmark has been released which accurately measures the speed
of any computer. The computer is pushed off the top of a building, and
speed calculated by multiplying by 32.2 fps squared.
The MIPS (Meaningless Index of Plumeting Speed) rating is the raw
value times the number of CPUs. This is called the FhallingStone
benchmark.
Modern American Guide to National Holidays
------------------------------------------
Holiday: Hangover Day
Date: January 1st
Purpose: This day is used by many to recover from hangovers that
were acquired as a result of excessive partying the
night before.
Holiday: Savings Extravaganza Day
Date: Third Monday of February
Purpose: This day is used by merchants across the land to put
everything they have in stock on sale. I think the
merchants are just longing for the booming pre-Presents
Day season when they have these sales in February.
Holiday: Gardening Day
Date: Fourth Monday of May
Purpose: On this day, millions of surburbanites flock to their
local garden centers to purchase plants to make their
yards more cheery. In northern climes, it is also know
as Tomato Transplanting Day, as there is little chance
of frost damage after this date.
Holiday: Fireworks Day
Date: July 4th
Purpose: Fireworks fill the skies on this day as neighbors
alienate each other by setting off firecrackers and
shooting bottle rockets back and forth. Extra
friendship points are acquired by continuing the
barrage after midnight.
Holiday: Kiss Summer Goodbye Day
Date: First Monday after the first Sunday of September
Purpose: Millions of city dwellers flock to the country to enjoy
one last weekend of fun-in-the-sun before cruel winter
arrives.
Holiday: Turkey Day
Date: Fourth Thursday of November
Purpose: Forcing massive quantities of food (especially turkey)
into your stomach is the theme for this day. Many males
and some females waste the afternoon away by watching
football - if they can stay awake with all that food in
their bellies.
Holiday: Mall Day
Date: Friday after Turkey Day
Purpose: Malls are overflowing with zillions of shoppers who have
nothing else to do on this usually miserable day in late
fall. This day marks the first day of the pre-Presents
Day shopping spree. Merchants have been trying to get
this day moved to sometime in October, but they have had
little luck in doing so despite the fact that they put
up Presents Day decorations earlier each year.
Holiday: Presents Day
Date: December 25th
Purpose: This day is the hands-down favorite of kids across the
land. It usually starts at about 5:00 AM if children
live in the house. Kids tear into huge mounds of
presents the have been lying underneath a gaudily
decorated evergreen tree as soon as they can convince
their tired parents to get up. The house is usually
totally trashed by tons of gift wrapping by 8:00. Most
of the cheaply built toys the children just had to have
are no longer in working condition after sundown.
In an effort to bolster his popularity, Mikhail Gorbachev ventured to an
agricultural community near Moscow, "Well, Comrade, how did the potatoes do
this year?" he asked one farmer.
"Very well, Comrade president," the farmer replied. "If we piled them up,
they would reach God."
"But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer."
"Nor do the potatoes, Comrade President."
DAN QUAYLE QUOTES:
======================================================================
Dan Quayle, as quoted in The Washington Post:
"I've been blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful family, and I am proud
of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have a very good family. I'm
very fortunate to have a very good family. I believe very strongly in the
family. It's one of the things we have in our platform to talk about it."
During his trip to Hawaii, he was quoted as saying,
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific.
It is a part of the United States that is an island that is
right here."
on the Future and the World:
"I believe that we are on an irreversible trend toward freedom and
democracy. But that could change."
on himself ("quoting" from the United Negro College Fund slogan):
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind.
How true that is."
In an August 11 1989 interview on Cable Network News, the head of the
National Space Council, Vice President Dan Quayle, explained why the US
should undertake a manned mission to Mars:
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water,
there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
Head of National Space Council, Vice President Dan Quayle, talking about
space and the importance of his new job... (not verbatim, but close
enough)
"Space is almost infinite, in fact, we think it is infinite."
"Space is very important, there's an awful lot of it out there."
I remember a picture in TIME a few months ago. Quayle was visiting
Latin America, and posed with a couple of military leaders holding a
grenade launcher...
backwards.
A few months into his presidency, George Bush asks Dan Quayle to come
to meet with him at the White House. After getting directions as to
how to find it, Dan arrives.
George: "You know, Dan, you're doing a great job, showing great
maturity, and oustanding judgement. I'm really proud of you."
Dan: "Thank you, Mr. President. Your confidence in me means a lot."
George: "By the way, you want a puppy?"
And another ...
Did you hear about the tragedy?
Dan Quayle's library burnt down ...
Burned both books ...
And one of them, he hadn't even finished coloring!
What does President Bush call Dan Quayle?
Life insurance.
Did you know that Dan Quayle is the cause of a great religious revival
throughout the world?
Ever since he entered office, more and more people are praying for
the President's health.
After the election, but before the inauguration, Bush suggested that
Quayle take a vacation in England, hoping that he might pick up some
culture. As part of his tour, Dan found himself at Runnymede. Dan
asked his guide what had happened there. The guide said: "This is
where the Magna Carta was signed." Dan asked when it was signed.
"1215" answered the guide. Dan looked at his watch and said:
"Nuts! I missed it by an hour."
President Bush slips in the shower, hits his head and goes into a coma.
When he returns to consciousness, he sees Acting President Dan Quayle's
face smiling at him.
"How long have I been out?"
"Four years, Mr. President."
"Four Years! What's been happening in the country? What's the
inflation rate?" Bush asks.
"Two percent."
"Fantastic! Unemployment?"
"Three percent"
"Incredible! What's the prime?"
"Five percent."
"Unbelievable! How's the Dow?"
"It's at 4,000 points."
"President Bush shakes his head in disbelief. "You've done a
terrific job running the country, congratulations! By the way,
how much does a loaf of bread cost these days?"
Quayle thinks for a second before replying: "Ten thousand yen."
News Flash:
Dan Quayle found wandering aimlessly in Iowa.
When asked what he was doing in Iowa, he replied,
"I'm following President Bush's orders that I spend some time
in Central America."
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received
in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment,
he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he
received a letter from the police department that contained another
picture -- of handcuffs.
Cyndi walked into the mahogony office, the person in charge of wheeling
visitors in on a hand cart being on break, and shook hands with
Mr. Winternesse. "Good afternoon, Ms. Cannon," he said. "I'm
glad you were able to come in and discuss our Executive Slave
program. Your background is exactly what we look for in a
candidate."
"Thank you," she said. "I've heard very good things about the
program from others who've been through it. All very successful
people, I might add, and they swear that they owe it all to the
Executive Slave program."
"Yes. There's not another corporate program -- and I'm including
the coop programs at even the top universities -- that provides
the scope of ours. You'll get a solid grounding in all aspects
of the business, along with earning an M.B.A., plus an
unparalleled opportunity to develop the invaluable skill of
executive ass-kissing."
"I understand the program is very exclusive. What are my chances
of getting in?"
"Oh, excellent. In fact, we may have a superb opportunity for
you. Our CEO, Mr. Windmill, will be needing a new executive
slave within the next month. His current slave is graduating
from the program and" -- his permanent smile dimmed a trifle --
"taking a position as CFO with a rival firm. In any case, the
CEO is heterosexual, and very partial to long dark hair and large
breasts."
"I wondered about that. Don't you have problems about sexual
discrimination in this program?"
"Not really. If we meet our EOE goals for executive positions,
the numbers for the Executive Slave program work themselves out
quite nicely. Although we do have a great deal of difficulty
recruiting from certain minority groups."
"I can imagine. So you think I have a good chance at being Mr.
Windmill's Executive Slave?"
"I should think so, although of course Mr. Windmill will make the
final decision. Based on your background, it's virtually certain
that you'll be accepted into the program if you want it. Mr.
Windmill will choose from the available candidates, as will the
other executives whose slaves are leaving. How much do you know
about the requirements for the position?"
"I've heard a good deal, but I'd like to hear it from you."
"You know, of course, that this is an unpaid position?"
"Yes. So I won't be a wage slave, at least."
"No. Even so, we have five times as many candidates as we can
accept."
"I'm very flattered that you're considering me, then."
"That's a very good attitude, but it isn't necessary to butter me
up. Save it for Mr. Windmill. One of the things you'll learn in
the program is how to know which ass to kiss. Now, as I say,
there is no salary attached to the position, but your tuition
to graduate business school will be paid by the company, and
you'll be expected to receive your M.B.A. in two years, six
months before the end of the program. Failure to complete
your studies on time will result in punishment."
"I've heard."
"You'll notice that I don't reprimand you for interrupting. An
Executive Slave may interrupt to ask a question or challenge a
business decision at any time. But never, ever question or
disobey a direct order."
"I understand."
"You will be given time to attend classes, but the rest of your
time will be spent with Mr. Windmill (I'm assuming here that he
accepts you.) Between homework and attending to Mr. Windmill
business and personal needs, you are likely to have very, very
little time to yourself."
"I understand."
"Do you? You will eat with him, sleep with him, shower with him,
make love to him, go to meetings with him, take notes for him.
If he takes a leak, you'll hold his penis for him."
"Do I wipe his behind for him, too?"
"No. There are some things a man must do for himself, although
one or two of our executives may need help finding the spot. You
will, however, check to make sure there's enough toilet paper.
If he plays golf, you'll caddy for him. You'll act as his
sounding board, stroke his ego, and help relieve his stress. Are
you aware of what that may entail?"
"I've heard things."
"The CFO of our firm has a bullwhip hanging on the wall of her
office. She uses it on her ES -- that's Executive Slave -- about
once a week."
"That was one of the things I'd heard."
"Mr. Windmill prefers to administer spankings on the bare
buttocks with a wooden spoon. You understand that you need not
deserve a spanking in order to receive one? If the V.P. of
Marketing deserves a good spanking -- and I can think of no one
who would benefit more from one -- then you will get it, not he.
One does not spank the executives of the corporation, however
much they may deserve it."
"I understand. I think I can handle it."
"Excellent. We like to see highly motivated individuals in our
organization. Now, as I was saying, you will spend virtually
every hour of your time in the program with Mr. Windmill, except
for what you spend in class. When he doesn't need you, you'll be
chained to a desk outside his office, literally, with your books
and a word processor."
"I understand. Are there any other requirements?"
"Well, under certain circumstances you may be required to meet
with and entertain customers or creditors of the firm."
"You mean to have sex with them?"
"Certainly not. We don't do business that way. Your job would
merely be to stall an irate customer, creditor or IRS auditor
long enough for Mr. Windmill to get out of the office -- or out
of town, if need be."
"I see."
"One more thing, and this is specific to the job as Mr.
Windmill's ES. Mr. Windmill meets with the board of directors
every quarter. You would be expected to attend along with him,
of course, and to dress as provocatively as possible. You would
take notes and make coffee and so on, but your primary reason for
being there would be to distract the board members from -- why,
Ms. Cannon, where on earth are you going?"
"Look, I don't know what kind of bimbo you think you're dealing
with here, but I don't make coffee for *anybody*."
Slam. The end.
There is a little fluffy bunny. "Cute", you may say, and you'd be right.
She is sitting outside her burrow on a warm summer evening, scribbling away
on a large folder of paper. Along comes a fox:
Fox: Hello Miss Rabbit.
Bunny: Hmm.
Fox: Excuse me.
Bunny: Hmm.
Fox: What are you doing?
Bunny; (Putting down pen) I'm writing my PhD. thesis.
Fox: How interesting. What is it about?
Bunny: It's called "How to eat foxes and wolves".
Fox: (Laughing aloud (-: ) Ho, ho, ho! What can you know about eating
foxes and wolves, you're only a little bunny.
Bunny: Come down into my burrow and I'll show you what I've been up to.
The fox agrees, and follows her down through the maze of tunnels into
the central cavern. There are terrible sounds (tearing flesh, cracking
bones etc. cf.Python and the Holy Grail), and the rabbit comes out licking
her lips. She picks up her pen and continues writing...
Along comes a wolf:
Wolf: Excuse me, little bunny.
Bunny: Hmm.
Fox: Why are you busy writing on such a hot summer night?
(cf.Meatloaf, Cadbury's Caramel advert U.K)
Bunny; (Putting down pen) I'm writing my PhD. thesis.
Fox: Really. What is it called?
Bunny: It's called "How to eat foxes and wolves".
Fox: You can't be serious! I've eaten more rabbits than you've had hot
dinners :-). What can you know about eating wolves.
Bunny: Come down into my burrow and I'll show you.
The fox agrees, and follows her down through the maze of tunnels into
the central cavern. There are terrible sounds etc. and the rabbit comes out
drinking a glass of Cockburns ("We don't pronounce the 'C-K'") port.
If you had followed her into the burrow you would have found a lion.
MORAL: Don't ask, "What is the thesis about?".
Ask "Who is your advisor?".
Physicists at the Harwell nuclear research station claim to have
discovered the heaviest element known to science -- administratium. It
has no protons or electrons and the atomic number is zero. It consists
of one nutron, eight assistant neutrons, 10 executive neutrons, 35
vice-neutrons and 256 assistant vice-neutrons. Completely inert, it can
be detected chemically because it impedes every action with which it
comes into contact...
A woman from the south was attending a social gathering up north and
tried striking up a conversation ...
"Where're you all from?" she asked to a group of ladies.
With nose high in the air, one of them answered, "Where I come from
we never end a sentence with a preposition."
"Oh," she replied, "Well, then, where're you all from, bitch?"
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every 3
months for about 5 years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were
up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni
Association. Once, when checking his records, the (blonde?) asked, "Is
xxx-xxxx your current phone number?
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He
hasn't heard from them since.
"Remember, when you're out of Bud, TOUGH SCHLITZ"
Don't forget the one CPA ... I. C. Loophole
or what about the Law Firm ... Dewey, Screw'em and Howe ( thank you 3 stooges )
or what about the Gynecologist ... Dr. Poke'em
or what about the Porno Star John Holmes ... John wasn't his real name it was ..
Max Cox or his gay brother Seymour Cox ...
What do you call a fly with no wings????
A Walk.
- *************************************************************************
Mr. Jones had gangrene on his left leg and had to have it cut off so he
went to the doctor to have the operation. During the operation the doctor
cut off the good leg by mistake. So then the doctor had to cut off the
leg that had gangrene. After Mr. Jones came out of the operation he
noticed that both legs had been cut off. Mr. Jones called his lawyer and
filed a lawsuit against the doctor. Well the doctor and his lawyer had a
long talk and the lawyer told the doctor he was in big trouble. I'm
not worried, said the doctor. Mr. Jones doesn't have a leg to stand on.
- *************************************************************************
Everywhere this lady went nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked
her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this
would happen. So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on.
She thought that maybe there was a problem with her. The doctor told her
he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on
the table, so she did. He told her to open her mouth and he checked it.
Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said
to the lady, "Know what your problem is, you have zactly." The lady then
asked, "What is zactly?" The doctor said, "Lady your mouth smells zactly
like your ass."...........................................................
- *************************************************************************
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.........................
- *************************************************************************
This guy had been with so many prostitutes everywhere in the world. He
had picked up so many diseases that doctors had a hard time identifying
them all. He went to many doctors that told him his pecker would have to
be cut off. The man went into shock. Well, he kept hoping someone could
help. So he found this Chinese doctor that told him that he new what was
wrong, You play with Chinese girl, but she very sick. You make big
mistake and go to American doctor and all they think is money, money,
money. You don't need surgery, you forget what they say. You go home,
wait two maybe three weeks pecker fall off all by itself.................
- *************************************************************************
A hospital for fags only.......there are no Doctors or Nurses, just Aides.
- *************************************************************************
One afternoon on Miami Beach..............................................
Three women were discussing their son's achievements. The first woman
says "A, my son, the doctor! such a son a mother couldn't hope for. He's
got his own practice now in Boston, making so much money! He sends me a
check every month. I've never had it so good!" She turns and says, "So
tell me, Mrs. Rubenstein, how is your son?" "A, my son, the dentist!
Such a son a mother couldn't hope for. He's got his own practice now in
Cambridge, making so much money! He sends me a check every month. I've
never had it so good!" The two of them turn to the third woman and ask
sadly, "So tell us Mrs. Hammerstein, how is your son, the homosexual?"
"A, my son, the interior decorator! Such a son a mother couldn't hope
for. He has his own business now, making so much money! He sends me a
check every month. I've never had it so good! And my son! Not one lover,
but two! One of them is a doctor in Boston, the other is a
dentist in Cambridge!"....................................................
- *************************************************************************
The Six Most Important Men In A Woman's Life
--------------------------------------------
Doctor: Because he says:......................"Take off all your clothes!"
Dentist: Because he says:....................................."Open wide!"
Milkman: Because he says:..............."Do you want it in front or back?"
Hairdresser: Because he says:............"Do you want it teased or blown?"
Interior Decorator: Because he says:........."Once it's in you'll love it.
Banker: Because he says:......................"If you take it out too soon
............................you'll lose interest!"
- *************************************************************************
Have you heard the definition of an engineer?
Someone who:
- measures with a micrometer,
- marks with a piece of chalk,
- cuts with an axe.
5000 years ago Moses said, "Pack up you camel, pick up your shovel, mount
your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land."
5000 years later, F. D. Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovel, sit on your
ass and light up a camel, this is the promised land."
Today, the president will tax your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass,
and tell you that the promised land is in Japan.
My vote for dumbest user in the galaxy goes to the soul who called
the dial-up consulting lab with this problem:
USER: I was told I needed a modem to use the campus mainframes... Well
I bought a modem. Now how do I use it?
CONS: First you have to hook it up to your computer, or install it in
one of the card slots.
USER: Computer? I need a computer?
Q: How do you call circucision for a rabbit?
A: A hare cut.
Found on a T shirt:
It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a sex machine.
What is white with red strips?
A baby with a potato peeler.
How do you turn a cat into a dog?
Pour petrol over the cat and light it.
"Woooffff"
How do you turn a dog into a cat?
Throw the dog into the deep freeze, take it out then
run out through a bandsaw.
"Meooowww"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SOME AMUSING STEVE WRIGHT SAYINGS (and look-alikes)
From various sources, some from memory, grouped in a semi-random
way. I excluded just a few that I thought weren't very funny.
These are likely to have been modified in translation...
Last updated: 910830
--- big picture ---
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
--- banks ---
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
much time.
--- museums ---
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
--- restaurants ---
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So
I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what
kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
--- stores ---
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked
me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The
clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars".
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a
row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and
I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to
the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
--- appliances ---
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I
don't get it...
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
--- telephones ---
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said,
"Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call
everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said,
"How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my
calendar has no sevens on it."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called
someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said,
"Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They
said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I
said, "I'll wait."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a
call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to
the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
yesterday."
--- apartments ---
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live
above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across
the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing
gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
marking down everything in the store."
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When
I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
--- houses ---
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut
it out."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick
wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
it... it feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above... so I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and
took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was
lightning in my house.
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I
laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
real quick.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how
I got there.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was
in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it
around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later,
I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
"Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
--- cars and driving ---
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running... (slow glance upward)
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds
*amazing*.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got
dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so
fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this
thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes,
officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you
can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your
honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came
back the entire area was missing.
--- sleeping ---
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and
hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said
"I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the
world.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
--- socks ---
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't
find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
were!
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
because I go by thickness."
--- records ---
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it
on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned
them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
--- fishing ---
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
--- dogs ---
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to
call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went
insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures
of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
--- chemistry ---
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two
parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...
(picks up his glass of water from the stool)... I like to live
on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
--- childhood ---
I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy
subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
have any toy train schedules?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand
box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was
a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running
down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I
stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I
learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't
find tractors small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark until he was eight years old.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked,
I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
he didn't obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and
say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your
life!"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
--- not-all-there ---
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you
notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you
go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last
instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my
shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it
wasn't doing what I was doing.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
--- suicide ---
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I
changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened
and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's
done."
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
been serious because I brought a beach towel.
--- books ---
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
--- miscellaneous one-liners ---
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I lost a button hole today.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I washed mud, off of mud.
I'm so hyper... (said with a very dull voice)
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
"So, do you live around here often?"
Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
--- miscellaneous ---
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes
she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I
can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well
sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my
name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky
Goldstein..."
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi,
where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A
few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You
know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We
got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then
the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and
said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven
Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you
have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned
you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I
said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of
the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear
weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me
again."
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
a tree.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
boy, were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
Fred, Barney...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got
pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the
study of milkmen.
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his
money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
put batteries in.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to
go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...
ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's
called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
Not Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour. I said, "the whole time."
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose
twice. Everything had two shadows.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
say, "I think I might have written that."
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false
teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and
when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There
was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile
for a satellite picture.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot
stepladder with a coathanger.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I
also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"
taller.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off
infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
lines on curved roads.
This is my impression of a bowling ball... (drags the mike
along the floor, then lifts it)... gutter...
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to
him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute."
I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the
thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars
from George.
___________________________________
From: rods@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt)
Date: 22 Jan 1990
Subject: FAKE Steven Wright jokes [original; edited]
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Here are my categories, with examples (his):
ENGLISH:
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot
today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
SIMILARITY / ANALOGY:
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had
a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't
notice until I got it set up. People complained because they
couldn't see the lake.
WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS:
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION):
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in
time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
SELF:
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like
that all the time.
NAAAHH:
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
TRIVIALIZATION:
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They
lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and
took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did
you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or
numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it
was. You can guess what he told me.
___________________________________
These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt:
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to
a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you
want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if
I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a
dollar bill to everybody on the list.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go
up the stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm
Narcissus.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that
all the time.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
The sky already fell. Now what?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure
enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
think you're Shakespeare?
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet
when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and
falls on the floor.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what
for?"
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in
only ten minutes.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes
bigger.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch
light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
"What are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets
have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through
wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put
something on.
The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a
monkey?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a
two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to
Les.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.
It told me it was none of my business.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had
to give it back.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on
microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on
doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they
make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
found spirit gum.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not
for sale."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates
New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and
returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it
out, it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The
headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half
of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
___________________________________
And here's one from arensb@cvl.umd.edu (Andrew Arensburger):
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX
collect.
And from cth@hpfcso (CT Hart):
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++