💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › JOKES › jokin-25.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 09:36:23.
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Let's:
...make like a tree and leave.
...make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
...make like a bird and flock off
...make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
...make like a banana and split.
...make like a missile and cruise.
...make like a fetus and head out.
...make like a baby and head out.
...make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
...make like a drum and beat it.
...make like a drummer and beat it.
...make like a bee and buzz off.
...make like Diarrhea and run
...make like a tire and hit the road
...make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
...make like a terrorist and blow this place.
...make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
...make like a douche and get the fuck out of there.
...make like a strawberry and jam.
...make like traffic and jam.
...make like stockings and run.
...make like a sock and run.
...make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
...make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta' here.
...make like a bread truck and haul buns.
...make like a Bakery truck and Move your buns.
We're off like a prom dress!!!
...make like a prom dress and take off.
We're off like pants in the dark.
...make like the devil and get the hell out of here.
...make like a banana and split.
...make like the Red Sea and split.
...make like the Red Sea and part.
...make like a bananna in the presence of ice cream and split
...make like an amoeba and split...!
...make like the wind and blow.
...make like a tomato and Ketch-up.
...make like a driver and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a teamster and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a hippy and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like the Dead and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like lightning and bolt.
...make like a Nut and Bolt.
...make like a rectum and get the sh*t out of here.
...make like a donkey's d!ck and hit the road.
...make like [insert name of unpopular politician or personality] and blow.
...make like Michael Jackson and "Beat it!"
...make like a hippy and blow this place.
...make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
...make like Tom and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Pick Ass Off here. (?)
...make like a Hewlett Packard Laser Printer and jet.
...make like a jacket and zip.
...make like a magnet and flux off.
...make like Levi's and fade away.
...make like a bowel, and move.
...make like a tie and hang around some more.
...make like a botanist and leaf.
...make like a dog and flea.
...make like a register and shift.
...make like newlyweds; remain in bed all day. (or go to bed early.)
...make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
...make like Houdini and disappear
...make like a mongrel and get lost
...make like a teeny-bopper singer and fade away
...make like data and move
...make like make(1) and update (your location)
...make like a football and kickoff
...make like a baseball player and home-run
...make like rot13 and shpx bss
...make like a pound and quid (quit).
...make like a jet and zoom.
...make like an airplane and take off.
...make like a hat and go on ahead.
...make like an atom and split.
...make like a Catholic and pull out.
...make like a {priest, minister, exorcist, ...} and get the hell outta here.
...make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here.
...make like rain and get the hail out of here.
I'm going to take a sedimental journey and precipitate outta here.
I'm off like exit(0).
Let us leave (lettuce leaf) (only works for 2+, obviously)
Off like a dirty shirt.
Off like the brides pajamas.
We're off lika a bride's nightie...
Put an egg in my shoe and beat it.
Why don't you make like an asshole nd post exit lines?
Hanging in there like stink on a stockyard boot.
Act like yesterdays lunch, go down and out the back.
What the marketing director of a major condom manufacturing company
said when asked to come up with a new gimmick for their new line
of condoms;
"Let's make like bullfrogs and ribbit"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bachelorette of the VLSI world
Paulie Kristline, goal-oriented, super-achiever
Is the much admired conceiver
Of deftly crafted microcode
On the XXX-666
At SillyCon, the restless abode
Of many acclaimed wonder chips
The Bachelorette of the VLSI world
Is a veteran of ill-fated love
And though her memory cells are swirled
By old half-deleted files. She stays above
Affairs of the heart. `Such softness,'
She says, `Is an algorithm for unhappiness.'
She seldom drinks. Doesn't smoke.
Has switched from coke to diet-coke.
`These days,' she says, `I get my kicks
From high impact aerobics.'
She shrugs off her single state
By saying - `I'm not yet 28.
The men I meet are so immature
My cat Nietzsche is surely more
Comforting with his silent presence
Even cats outgrow their adolescence.'
Her half reclusive life-style
Punctuated by a perpetual smile
Does not preclude the occasional date
The odd fling, the stray affair
Though, she is so careful to tear
Herself away before its too late.
But, beneath this outward carapace
Of defiance and aloofness
The deceptive cheer on her face
Hides a growing loneliness.
In rare moments of weakness
She has been heard to confess
The object of her heart's desires
The elusive love to which she aspires
`Someone who's nice to be with
Someone I can talk to. Someone I can ski with.'
Paulie's search for Mr Right
For now must take second place.
She has so many lines of code to write
In only so much ROM space.
=========================================================================
There was a young girl of Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance
The passengers fucked her,
Likewise the conducter,
The driver shot off in his pants.
There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair.
1) When little, I thought girls were pests
'Til they started developing breasts.
My opinions soon changed
As their forms rearranged,
And I now enjoy fucking their chests.
2) To sit on a(n) XXX toilet,
One must take the seat off and boil it
To kill off the germs
And wash off the sperms
And other foul stuff that may soil it.
There was a young whore named Sue
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
If they pay to get in
They'll pay to get out of it too
A horny polo player from Berkeley
Made love to his girlfriend quite beserkly
In the midst of each chukker
He would break away and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally, and verkeley
The Plan
In the beginning was THE PLAN and then came the assumptions,
and the assumptions were without form, and THE PLAN was completely
without substance; and the darkness was upon the face of the
employees, and they spoke amongst themselves saying: "it is a crock
of shit and it stinks!" and the employees went unto their supervisors,
saying: "it is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof,"
and the Supervisors went unto the Managers, saying: "it is a container
of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it," and
the Managers went unto their Division Managers saying: "it is a
vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength," and the Division
Managers went unto their System Managers saying: "it contains that which
aids plant groth and it is very strong," and the System Managers went
unto the General Manager saying: "it promotes growth and is very
powerful," and the General Manager went unto the Board saying: "this
plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organization,"
and the Board looked upon THE PLAN and said that it was good and
THE PLAN became policy! This is how shit happens!
Three women applied to a brokerage house for a single position. The
manager decided that since their qualifications all appeared to be
equivalent, he would give them each $5000 and let them take a month to
do some investing.
At the end of the month, one woman had doubled her $5000, one had
broken even, and one had lost the entire amount. Which one did the
manager hire?
The one with the biggest tits, of course.
This whole affair involving judge Thomas is not exactly what I'd call
practicing safe sex --
Thomas should have known beter than to mess with aides.
Here lies Les Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les
No Moore
On the tombstone ---------
1) Of a swimmer
Saw four sharks,
Off the coast.
Three he missed,
One almost.
2) Tight Rope Walker
Used no net,
Knew no fear.
Made mis-step,
Wound up here.
3) Novice farmer
Here lies Clyde,
Whose life was full.
Until he tried,
To milk a bull.
The poor ol' guy had a corkscrew prick,
He spent his life on a ceaseless hunt,
Looking for a girl with a corkscrew c___,
But alas, alack, now he is dead,
For the girl that he found, had a left hand thread.
Top Ten recently-developed weapons to be used in an upcoming strike
against the headquarters of Saddam Hussein:
10. Tammy-Faye Baker's make-up collection
9. The Florida State Football team (As long as they kick U of M's butt)
8. Soap
7. Half of the lawyers from the State of New York
6. The ever-popular Saddamizor (The Sodomizer has been developed by Iraq)
5. Red Tape
4. Delta Airlines
3. Geraldo Rivera's new book...gives detailed inside information
2. A planeload of REAL Berets
1. Plan Alpha Gamma: <CLASSIFIED>
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The "Bridge Scene", from STAR TREK V.V: CAPTAIN KIRK AND THE
HOLY GRAIL...
OLD MAN: Stop! He who would cross the Bridge Of Death, must
answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
What... is your name?
KIRK: Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Star Ship Enterprise.
OLD MAN: What... is your quest?
KIRK: To explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and
new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before!
OLD MAN: What... is your favorite color?
KIRK: Green.
OLD MAN: Pass...
REDSHIRT: That's _easy_!
OLD MAN: Halt! What... is your name?
REDSHIRT: Crewman Smith.
OLD MAN: What... is your quest?
REDSHIRT [in a bored voice]: To explore strange new worlds, to
seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where
no man has gone before.
OLD MAN: What... is the corrosive ingredient in Romulan Ale?
REDSHIRT: Um... ah... I don't know - AIIIIIIIGGGHHH!
SPOCK: Fascinating.
OLD MAN: Halt! What... is your name?
SPOCK: Spock.
OLD MAN: What... is your quest?
SPOCK: To explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and
new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before.
OLD MAN: What... is the phase velocity of an oscillating subspace
transmission?
SPOCK: Amplitude modulated or frequency modulated?
OLD MAN: I don't know! AIIIIIIGGGHHH!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bravely Bold Sir Redshirt
Beamed down from Enterprise.
He was not afraid to die
O Brave Sir Redshirt!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Redshirt!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp.
Or to die by phaser blast
with an eel in his ear. [ Cap. Terrell]
To have his body crushed
as a little plastic cube. [ by any other name]
And his salt all sucked away, [ man trap]
Brave Sir Redshirt.
His blood sucked out, [ obsession ]
and his cells implode, [ that which surv.]
and his body cut up
for a robot form, [ ilia ]
And his skin boiled off
in the Engine room, [ spock ]
and his penis --
Kirk: shut up, ensign.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine, Doug, finally managed to get this girl he liked out on a
date. They went to a movie. On the way home from the movie Doug's car caught
on fire somehow. Doug being the rational kind of guy just pulled over and got
out. However, his date was not so level headed. She was frozen with fear in
her seat. Doug went around to her side to get her out but her door was locked!
He went back to his side reached over, unlocked her door, ran around, and
dragged her out and away from the car just as the gas tank tore engulfing the
entire car in flames.
The next day in church, Doug (looking a little scorched!)was sitting about dead
center in the sanctuary. A friend of Doug's father was sitting behind him and
when the Pastor paused for a breath (about halfway through the 2 hour sermon)
he leaned forward and said to Doug: "So, heard you had a hot date last night!"
The entire congregation nearly exploded in laughter.
True story submitted by the Edster
Reasons why Usenet is like a penis:
* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
to get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
use it for fun most of the time.
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.
* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did
I do that?"
* Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it
gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.
* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-=[ The top 25 *unbelievable* things in War Games ]=-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
[1] 15 digits to dial a local number? He dials 15 digits to connect
to his school computer. Sounds the recordings studio went a bit
over board with the sound effects...
[2] The modem carrier tones. Really... Beeeeeep Beeeeeeeep Slllllh is
normal. Not "diddly-de-duh" "diddly-de-duh" Again, the public wants
cool noises, not the real thing...
[3] The time taken to establish carrier. Really, hear the tone - and
pmf! You're on? Handshaking? Anything? Naaah..
[4] This is a beauty. He connects using a 300bps modem, and then gets
the information on his screen at real time! Where can I get one
of these?
[5] A tiny technicality. I think the movie was made in 1982. (yes/no?)
Anyway - he frequently uses full screen editing. Something that
didn't really appear until vi hit the screen. (remember the curse
of edlin?)
[6] He *always* takes the correct disk from the shelf. Always. He has
tonnes of 8 inches around the place, but always takes just one
from the shelf, and it's always the right one. Really..
[7] During his demon-dialling, he has the most fantastic modem detector.
Not only does it detect carriers, it detects busy signals, *and*
voice, all within half a second! Wow. (Want this as well!)
[8] The *classic*. He attack dials with an acoustic coupler. How the
hell is this possible? Really. And why did he bother to dial
the first number in his demon list?
[9] A tiny glitch. At one stage he's playing galaga (for the second
time) - and he's "doing well" with 3 lives left. He dies, and
pmmf! All his lives are gone, and he says he's owed a quarter
for the game.
[10] Whilst he's attack dialling, he picks up the acoustic coupler,
shows it off (to show what's it's doing) - but the modem just
keeps on going. What a clever little modem.
[11] A dream this one. He calls a computer, is given a LOGON prompt
(nb , not login:) - and manages to get information from WOPR
without being logged on as any one. Wouldn't that be nice?
[12] During his elite hacking, he asks for the printer to be turned
on so he can get a hard copy. But! There is no noise! None!
A silent dot-matrix printer! (or perhaps daisy-wheel! gasP!)
[13] I wish I had a terminal like him. He connects at 300bps, and
manages to get fantastic graphics up on the screen , on
a tty terminal!
[14] While he's playing with WOPR (the 1st time) he decides to
turn off his computer. By flicking one switch, he manages
also turn off every screen at the Defence Center! Gosh,
does that mean when I turn off my computer without logging
off, the other computer dies as well????
[15] How is it that WOPR is able to trace where he lives, when even
the telephone companies are unable to do it? Sheeeze, really..
[16] He disconnects his computer frow WOPR (only a terminal remember)
closes the phone line, yet the clock still counts down the time
on his terminal (with a great deal of background ooooooohhs).
[17] How is it that the most top secret military installation allows
visitors to walk around on guided tours of it? really....
[18] Another amazing feat, the "voice-synthesiser" he has in his
bed room suddenly appears in the defence headquaters. And
anywhere else he happens to be. Wow! That's a loud voice synth.
[19] They apparently scramble f16's , but it's actually two f15's that
take off into the air..
[20] As they're running around on the island away from Falken's place,
before the helicopter arrives, the island is *bathed* in light.
Where from ? Amazing...
[21] Look out DES. As WOPR is sprinting the launch password, it finds
once character at a time! How long did it take to find the last
character? Aaaaaaages. How long does it take to go through the
alphabet?
[22] As he's playing tic-tac-toe, the game gets faster, and faster,
etc, and actually *drains* power to help WOPR think. I know
for a fact that my lights dim when it comes to number
crunching ..... :)
[23] That woman taking damn notes from WOPR. Why? What is her job
title? The "offical-watch-the-flashy-lights-on-wopr" job?
[24] After all the lights and everything gets really flashy, the
place is still in darkness. After the lights have blown, WOPR
manages to turn all the lights back on!
[25] The little clock on the side of WOPR only turns on when someone
is looking at it? Wow! How about that for reliable!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell who is the WASP at an orgy?
A: He is the one busy washing the grapes.
How did West Virginians get to Ohio before there were bridges?
The first couple swam across, and the rest walked over on the scum.
--------------------------------------------------------
Oh how I tried
But instead broke down and cried
Over food I stir fried for my friends.
Went next door to pester an oriental master
A cook from a far distand land.
And he said
A wok's like a pan, an ordinary pan.
A wok's like a pan my son.
Use any hearth, but put some oil first then
Great joy will be yours on earth.
I said "oh baby, I'm the master wow, if mabye
I could learn all his secrets soon some how"
With all the things I'm trying, I'll soon be up and buying
A wok big enough for a cow.
Cause he said
A wok's like a pan, a hemispheric can
A wok's like a pan my son.
Care for it too, and it will be true to you
Cause burned food just leaves you blue.
- the authors refuse to acknowledge
their association with this adaptation.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ARE LIKE WOMEN
by: Daniel J. Salomon Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1
There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you.
On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here
is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes
what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.
Assembler - A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She
is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up
any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or
educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC". She has a
fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort.
FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because
she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her
experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many
useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) That no younger
women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously
bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was
mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.
COBOL - A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says
can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really
complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really
likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows
bland recipes.
BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing
young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She
teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is
their) first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was
their first lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and
sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that
the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied.
Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral
woman! But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly
influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss
Pascal.
PL/I - A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high
heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems
overweight and tacky. Tastes change.
C - A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative.
Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything
you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++
is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow
up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.
ALGOL 60 - Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and
sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad
still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never
actually tasted much of her cooking.
Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her
sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but
only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).
Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her
mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.
ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse.
Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still
discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances
and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and
rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.
LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie
cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who have
visited the farmhouse,-- enthusiastically praise the natural food, and
perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking
times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these
women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise
them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.
APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious
meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She
doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can
understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all
recorded in mirror writing.
LOGO - A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you
wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an
interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but
not full-course meals.
LUCID & PROLOG - These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill.
They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a
description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are
fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain that
the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must
be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls
will be like when they are fully mature.
Ada - A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict
rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative,
always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta
love her though, because the army says so.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Gorby's Yellow Ribbon
(Sung to the obvious tune.)
I'm coming home I've done my time.
And I've got to know what's Yeltsin's and what is mine.
Now if you've received the message telling you I'd soon be free,
Then you'll know just what to do if you still want me.
If you still want me.
Oh tie a yellow ribbon around the Kremlin tower.
It's been three long days that I've been out of power.
If I don't see a ribbon around that old Kremlin tower,
I'll stay in Crimea,
Ain't never gonna see ya',
Cause Yeltsin's the man of the hour.
If I don't see a yellow ribbon around that old Kremlin tower.
Aeroflot pilot please look for me,
Cause I couldn't dare to see what I might see.
Now I'm really still in trouble, and it's like there's still a coup,
A simple yellow ribbon will cure me from the flu.
Cure me from the flu.
(CHORUS)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have two pairs of lips?
So they can piss and moan at the same time!
The Wizard of Zone
Once upon a time in Depression-era Kansas there was a little
black boy named Zachary X (pronounced "ex" not "ten") who lived
on a farm. He was an orphan, a cheap device to garner your
sympathy. (Actually his parents were still alive, but had been
caught on the Underground Railroad during a fare increase, and
didn't have enough money to get off. This story had eventually
been made into a song about white people called "Charlie on the
MTA".) He lived with his Aunt Angela and Uncle Eldridge, who
were Kansas dirt farmers. They were doing very well at this.
What with half the topsoil in Oklahoma blowing in every week, the
dirt crop was the best in years. The dirt silo was filled to
overflowing, and the couple had been forced to hire three goofy
hired men to handle all the work.
Before this, Zachary had lived with a different aunt and uncle on
their pancake ranch in Texas. He had not liked that as well.
First of all, for some reason he didn't understand, the rest of
the family did not seem to get along with Uncle Tom and Aunt
Jemima. And he had to let old Mrs. Butterworth kiss him hello,
which got his cheek all sticky and yucky. His new home was much
more fun. Aunt Angela and Uncle Eldridge had many outside
activities and belonged to several clubs, and there was a steady
stream of interesting people at the farm, like that funny old Mr.
Hoover.
Zachary spent most of his time playing with his extremely
primitive (we're talking 1937, remember) personal computer and
reading his favorite series of books. His little dog Jojo, a
pedigreed Lithuanian sardine hound, helped him with the
programming. Jojo could talk (although only Zachary could
understand him) and could program in three languages: assembler,
Dogtran IV and the strongly-typed (with meaty nuggets for extra
protein) Dogula 2. But I am afraid that Zachary kept all the
really interesting projects for himself, and stuck Jojo with all
the dog work.
Zachary saw the world in monochrome, because of a childhood
disease which can only be cured by a blow to the head from a
flying window frame. (Naturally, the cure rate for this disease
is rather low, and most of its victims also suffer from multiple
head injuries.)
Zachary's favorite books were those about the magical world of
the Forbidden Zone. He had the entire set: The Wonderful Wizard
of Zone, the Enchanted Land of Zone, Patchwork Girl of Zone,
Patchwork Plot of Zone, Zone Messiah, Children of Zone, God
Emperor of Zone, Chapterhouse of Zone, Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Zone, Restaurant at the End of the Zone, Zone Vs. Godzilla,
Stallone Zone IV, Pragma Paige and the Honey Tree, and many
others too numerous to mention. But now Ripoff House has
collected them all in one terrific collection, not available in
any store with any sense. Now how much would you pay? Don't
answer yet because I'm not listening! (Sorry, I got carried
away.)
Anyway, Zachary often daydreamed of going to the Zone some day.
Once he fell into the pig pen and one of the pigs ate his brand
new graphics board. In his depression, he sang a heartrending
and unforgettable ballad called "Over the 640K Barrier."
Unfortunately, I don't remember the lyrics.
Then one day the skies grew dark. When Kansas people yell
"Twister!" they don't mean the game from Milton Bradley.
Zachary awakened from his nap and listened to the voices around
him. "To the storm cellar!" shouted a voice, closer now. It
was his uncle El. Auntie Ange replied, but the answer was gone
with the wind.
This was a new concept for little Zachary. What kind of man was a
storm seller? How did he carry them? How much did he sell
them for? Zachary wanted to find out. He ran for the front
door, followed by Jojo. Outside the wind blew, and there were
dark clouds down the road. That must be where the storm seller
was!
But as he drew closer the winds begin to blow harder, until they
almost blew him off his feet. He began to be a little bit
frightened. What if this was a storm which somehow escaped from
its cage, a wild and dangerous storm? Perhaps Uncle El wanted to
complain to the storm seller for letting it loose. Zachary
discreetly turned back.
When he reached the house, no one was there. He was carrying
Jojo now, so that the wind would not blow him away. He decided
the best thing was to hide under the bed until the storm went
away. But he was not quite quick enough. One of the windows was
suddenly blown from its frame, striking Zachary in the head and
knocking him unconscious.
AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR ...
"Try new ..."
THANK YOU, BUT THAT WAS TWO WORDS.
BACK TO OUR DIALING FOR DOLLARS MOVIE!
When Zachary regained consciousness, he saw the world in color
for the first time in his life. He counted the pixels: 640 by
200, IBM Extended Graphics Adapter standard. That was good,
because it meant he could run Windows. He felt the top of his
head, where he now had a very painful Windows interface (all
Windows interfaces are painful, it is merely a question of
degree) the size of a hen's egg.
Outside, the world looked like an MGM musical. The scenery was
brightly colored and obviously artificial. (That's what the Zone
is like.) The house was surrounded by little tiny people, and
one big one who asked him, "Are you a generally pleasant and
friendly witch, or a crabby, difficult and potentially dangerous
witch?"
BUT MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER PART OF THE ZONE
Pragma Paige placed the diskette into the drive and brought the
first file onto the screen. It wasn't what he expected.
"'Twas brillig and the slithy developers ..."
Quickly he looked at the second file:
"How doth the little crocodile
debug its shining code?
And transmit Email all the while
from node to node to node?"
"This isn't anything to do with PC mail," he said grumpily. He
was still annoyed over the degrading events of a previous
episode, and of course a scene in which the PC gets all the best
lines is always rather thankless. Also, he was puzzled.
Technical note: Pragma's brain runs under Virtual Human 3, a
paged multitasking environment. Fortunately his memory is large
enough to run both ONEmiffed and ONEpuzzled without a lot of
paging. A number of users of VH1 Release 3 reported severe
problems with thrashing, especially when running memory hogs like
Trivial Pursuit Expert, Life-of-the-Party Simulator or PS/2
(Pseudo-Intellectual Release 2). These problems were handled by
making a note in the Brainware Release Bulletin in very small
print.
"I'm puzzled," he said, continuing the trend of this episode
toward banal dialogue.
Technical note: "Dialogue" is in fact the correct word, as we are
discussing intertask communication within Pragma's brain using
USO standard protocols. These protocols specify a twenty-layered
architecture which includes the seven ISO layers, plus the ozone
layer, several layers of vanilla-flavoured egg creme, a
bricklayer and several others too technical to be described
here. (The interface between the Presentation layer and the
layer of egg creme would be an issue of the IEEE Journal all by
itself.)
"This isn't the data I saw put onto the diskette in Paris." In
the background, the orchestra struck up a medley of tunes from
"An American in Paris," but Pragma ignored them. "It's been
turned into silly parodies of Lewis Carroll." He printed out the
contents of the diskette and headed over to the newly constructed
PC Mail Development Complex. When he arrived, however, two men
with sledgehammers were going at one of the walls as though they
were being paid by the hour. "What's going on?" asked Pragma.
(Let's face it, you would have done the same thing.)
"Oh, we're not doing PC Mail any more, so the buildings are being
torn down to make way for a software factory." (In fact the
decision was not yet irrevocably made, hence the two guys with
sledgehammers instead of a wrecking ball.)
"Not doing PC Mail any more? But what about me?"
"Well, I don't know. We've only got the two sledgehammers. I
guess you'll have to go find your own."
"What I really need is a drink," said Pragma, even though he was
a teetotaler (actually, he did not total his own tees, but had a
Lotus spreadsheet to do it for him automatically) and proceeded
to go over to Wreckable Ed's for a few Jalapeno Surprises.
(These are made from 1000 proof vodka in which jalapeno peppers
have been soaked for several weeks. They are best served at a
bon voyage party for your brain.)
You thought the dialogue was silly up to now? Well, when Pragma
arrived there was a woman sitting at the bar. "Hi there," said
Pragma. "What's your sine?" He thought that up himself, so
don't blame me for it.
"That depends," she said, "on what your angle is."
"Zero degrees," said Pragma. (Meanwhile a waitress had come and
collected his Component Drinking Plan and Master Drinking
Schedule, and was getting the required signatures.)
"Just as I thought," she retorted, using a real retort, something
Pragma had not seen since college chem lab. "A degenerate
case."
"Too true," replied Pragma.
MEANWHILE IN comp.unix.programmer:
THE GO TO BLAZES CONSIDERED HARMFUL
Pragma awoke gradually, and found himself in a haystack behind
what appeared to be a barn. "Let's see," he said to himself as
he consulted his Component Plan, "if I'm on schedule (which of
course I always am) this should be the outskirts of Bialystok."
He found that he only remembered bits (or booleans, if you don't
like dealing directly with the hardware) of what had happened at
Wreckable Ed's. He remembered asking some woman what her sine
was, and that the conversation had gone off on a tangent after
that. Finally, he had tried to pay her a compliment, but it was
a one's compliment and turned out to be incompatible with her
hardware. She had angrily accused him of trying to divide by
zero and stormed out.
But that hadn't stopped him. After all, what was he, a man
or a peripheral device for graphical input? He had gotten off
his stool and -- that was it! He had gotten off his stool and
fallen on his head. And now he was somewhere in the steppes of
wherever Bialystok is. (75% of high school students in Florida
said that Bialystok was the capital of South Dakota, and that its
principal export was the South American rutabaga. How can a
megastudent be wrong?)
He got up and stretched. The latter was was a mistake
because it made him taller and thinner, so that his clothing no
longer fit. Suddenly a lion ran by.
The lion was followed by three other figures: a young black
man, a robot (or someone like him) and a man who appeared to be
made of straw. But apparently the lion was too fast for them,
and they finally gave up the chase.
"What was that all about?" asked Pragma, knowing he would be
sorry later that he had asked.
"That lion was trying to sell me a minicomputer, but the minute I
started asking any technical questions he turned pale and ran."
"What were you asking? Competitive analysis type questions?
That might have made him nervous."
"No, nothing like that. Things like what character sets were
supported and could I get 300 megabyte drives."
"Hmm. Who are you guys, anyway?"
"I'm Zachary X. This is Strawman McTentative, a planner
without a plan. And this is Ironout Newbudget, who used to be an
accountant until he rusted up."
"You're not a robot, then?"
"No, I used to be flesh and blood like yourself, only
good-looking. But when hard times came, my deparment had to take
a 20% budget cut, so we all had one leg each cut off and replaced
with mechanical legs, rather than lay off any whole people. It
was the financially viable thing to do. Then the next layoff
came, and the next, and finally we all ended up like this. Even
that would have been all right, I suppose, if I had stayed out of
the rain."
"And now we're going to Integration City to see the Wizard,"
added Zachary.
"You're certainly taking the long way around," said Pragma.
"This is White Russia." Zachary X looked a little nervous, and
Ironout glanced reprovingly at Strawman, who had been giving the
directions. Strawman looked apologetic.
"Well, when we get there I'm going to ask the Wizard for a
new brain," said Strawman.
"And I suppose you're going to ask him for a heart," said
Pragma to Ironout.
"A what?"
"Well, it's lucky I ran across you people. I'm going to
Integration City myself, and it would have taken me all day to
walk there. But with four people we can do it in six hours."
And so they could.
After the others were done, Pragma asked the Wizard a
question. "Can you tell me how to recover a Unix file that I've
accidentally deleted?"
"Sorry," said the Wizard. "I'm not that much of a Wizard."
THE END
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me.
I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it", the doctor asks?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day"
replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive" says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day"
says the man.
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take
yourself in hand".
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
why is a fire engine red ? ( in parts of the world that it is red )
the fire engine has six wheels and six crew members.
six plus six is twelve.
twelve inches makes a foot.
a foot is measured by a ruler.
queen elizabeth is a ruler.
queen elizabeth is also a ship.
a ship sails in the sea.
there are fish in the sea.
fish have fins.
fins are the people off finland.
russia is finland's neighbor.
the russian flag is red.
therefore the fire engine is red.
( in parts of the world where it is red. )
On the subject of people with no arms or legs and what they can do, what do
you call a man with no arms or legs who's playing the piano?
... Clever Dick ...
What do you call a man with no arms or legs
face down in the garden?..................Pete
What do you call a man with no arms or legs
20 years older, on the wall?............Pop Art
What do you call a man with no arms or legs
in the trunk of your car?................Jack
What do you call a man with no arms or legs
trying to waterski?......................Skip
What do you call a man with no arms or legs
on the front porch?.....................Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
in a ditch?..............................Phil
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
flying over a fence?..................Homer
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
buried up to the neck?.................Spike
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
waterskiing?............................Skip
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
in the ocean?............................Bob
What if he has mechanical arms and legs and is
swimming in the ocean?..................Rusty
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
in a swimming pool?......................Wade
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
hanging on the wall?......................Art
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
on the doorstep?.........................Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
in a pile of leaves?....................Russell
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
in a meat grinder?......................Chuck
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
on a BBQ grill?........................Frank
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs
on a BBQ grill?..........................Patti
What do you call a woman with no arms and one leg?
..........................................Ilene
What if she is Chinese?...................Irene
Where do they work?.......................IHOP
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs
hanging over a window?................Curt and Rod
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs
on a stage?...........................Mike and Stan
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
that's full of shit?.....................John
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
whose color is just a bit off?...........Hugh
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
who is pinned under a car?...............Jack
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
stuffed in a mailbox?....................Bill
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
lying beside a carnival ride?...........Ralph
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs
who work at the cemetary?............Doug and Barry
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
in a dump truck?.......................Rocky
What do you call this one man with no arms and no legs
who is amazed?.....................A Paul
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
lying on a lawyers' desk?................Will
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
being run over by a car?.................Lane
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
in a blender?............................Nick
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
in a bathtub?..........................Dwayne
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
on a chalkboard?........................Mark
What do you call a man with no arms and whose legs
are cut off at knees?....................Neil
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
under a bed?.............................Dusty
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who
has scoliosis (curvature of the spine)?......Ben
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs
that no one would bother to pick up?........Penny
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs
in a frying pan?.............................Pam
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs
by the ocean side?..........................Sandy
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs
that's foaming at the mouth?................Bud
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs
who has a mural on him......................Van
What do you say to a woman with no arms and no
legs?.................................Nice Tits
What do you call the black stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow pygmies!
Q: WHY ISN'T IT SAFE TO GO INTO THE JUNGLE BETWEEN THREE AND FOUR IN THE
AFTERNOON?
A: BECAUSE ELEPHANTS ARE JUMPING OUT OF TREES.
Q: WHY ARE PYGMIES SO SMALL?
A: THEY WENT INTO THE JUNGLE BETWEEN THREE AND FOUR IN THE AFTERNOON.
How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying
down in tall grass?
VERY attractive.
How do you know if an elephant has been in your bedroom?
There's a dime on the nightstand and your mattress is missing.
What's six feet long and hangs from trees in Africa?
Elephant snot.
What is an elephant's sex organ?
His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!
What do you do when an elephant comes through your window??
SWIM!!
Q: What do elephants use as tampons ?
A: A Sheep.
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks ?
A: 'cos sheep don't have strings.
Three proofs of the famous conjecture that all odd numbers strictly greater
than one are prime:
The mathematician: 3's a prime, 5's a prime and hence by induction ...
The engineer: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 9's a prime .....
The physisist: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, experimental error, 11's a
prime .....
Computer scientist: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 7's a prime,
7's a prime, ...
Computer scientist using Unix: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime,
segmentation fault
Statistician: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 9 is ... within
statistical error( 1 standard deviation etc) ...
Rabbi/Mullah/Priest: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, God/Allah
willing 9's a prime ...
Political Scientist: 3's a prime.
The sociologist's proof that all odd numbers are prime: 2 is prime,
4 is prime, 6 is prime, ...
And the chemist: 3's prime, 5's prime, 7's prime, that's enough data...
Then there's the economist: We assume that all odd numbers are prime...
The pessimist scientist: -3's a prime, -5's a prime, -7's a prime,......
Music Theorist's logic: If 1, 3, and 5 is prime, that forms a perfect major
chord so all other major cords are prime (3,5,7; 5 7 9; 7,9,11...)
WEATHERMAN: 3'S A PRIME, 5'S A PRIME AND THERE IS 50% CHANCE
THAT 7'S A PRIME.......