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There was a woman who loved the game show Jeopardy and she
watched it every night. While it was on one night her husband
was in the kitchen making tea and he dropped the pot on his foot
and yelled "Jesus Christ". From the other room his wife yelled
back "Who is the son of God?"
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? No puns today please! ?
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?8^)-?????
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Cows - a bovine experience.
Great big gobs of greasy, grimey, gopher's guts,
Mutilated monkey meat,
Little birdies dirty feet.
Great big gobs of greasy grimey gopher's guts,
And I forgot my spoon!
Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian
"Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock."
Hear about the man who was half Japanese and half Negro?
Every December 7th he attacks Pearl Bailey!
I met this girl last night, she was half French, and half
Chinese.
When I took her home, she ate my laundry!
2B|^2B Message about Shakespeare
(-_-) Secret smile
<{:-)} Message in a bottle...
<:-)<<| Message from a space rocket...
(:-... Heart-breaking message...
<<<<(:-) Message from a hat sales-man...
(:>-< Message from a thief: hands up!
<I==I) A message on four wheels
The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother
about life. "Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've
got to withstand storms, drought, wind, animals--not to
mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if you don't give up,
you'll thrive and grow." "Life certainly is a gamble,"
agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you
haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?" "As in any
other gamble," said Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a
head!"
I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the
south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches
them, skins them, and makes men's wallets out of the skins.
He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting.
Speaking of Spiney Norman, a Hedgehog:
Not many people are aware that he doesn't work alone; much of the
time he is accompanied by Celeste, a giant shark. I didn't
realize it myself until I spent a vacation in the islands.
Unfortunately I happened to pick a time when the two of them were
terrorizing the countryside.
One day I went down to the beach prepared to do some jogging and
maybe ride the waves when I noticed this palm tree at the shore
had been almost completely devoured by some giant creature. I
asked a native whether the tree had been destroyed by Norman or
Celste and he asked me why I cared. My response was "If Norman
ate it I will not run, if Celeste did I will not surf".
And of course you heard about the Pole and the Czech who
went hunting...
The rangers had warned them about the bears, but they felt
they were well enough equipped. So when the two were two
days late the rangers went into the forest to find them.
Their campsite was a shambles, but no sign could be found of
the two hunters; but from the behavior of a couple of bears
in the neighborhood, the rangers were sure they knew what
had happened. They shot the bears, and cut them open. They
found the remains of the Pole in the female.
The Czech was in the male.
There was a girl from Dung-D
Who got raped by an ape in a tree.
The results were most horrid,
all ass and no forehead,
3 balls an a purple gautee...
There once was a Lady from Whealing.
Who had a Very Particular Feeling.
She'd Lay on he Back.
And Piddle with he Crack.
And Pee All over the cieling
I know what I believe in. I believe I'll have another beer.
Sticker: ' I'm not as stoned as you think I am! '
Sticker: ' If you're a real Canadian, show me your beaver! '
Sticker: ' There are no good losers- just good actors. '
For the grand opening of a super-de-luxe deli in Vegas,
the proud owner stopped at nothing to shout the news
about! He even hired two ping-pong players to play on a
table in front of the new deli. Since it WAS a deli,
the players used pickles instead of balls, and the
crowd cheered wildly as the pickles were batted back
and forth across the net. They called it, of course,
"The Volley of the Dills."
When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble
selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of
making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go
around the country installing lights in different towns in
order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison
stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights
in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian
chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he
could see what he was doing at night. This made him the
first man to wire a head for a reservation!
There once was a woman from Sydney
Who could take it in up to her kidney
But a man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck
He had a big one, didn't he?
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But Jack was slow
And Jack wasn't quick
Jack caught fire and burnt his pants.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be!
Harry Sharp finally developed a way to clone human beings. To test it,
he made a duplicate of himself, and took the duplicate before a board of
peers. However, Harry's system had some bugs. At the review, Harry,
asked his duplicate to recite the method of cloning for the board, upon
which the duplicate recited the most foul string of obscenities ever
heard. Haarry was aghast, and struck the duplicate, causing it to fall
to it's death from the 5th floor room they were in. Harry was arrested
and charged with making an obscene clone fall.
Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for sunken
treasure, but had had no luck. One day, while wading back onto the
beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and
emeralds! Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, "Well it
just goes to show you that booty is only shin deep!"
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
How do frogs die? Ker-mit suicide
One evening, a little boy greets his father after work, and
notices a condom fall out of the pocket as the man takes off his
coat. Dear old dad doesn't notice until the child opens the
packet and examines the device close-up.
"Daddy, what's this for?" he asks innocently.
"Er, um, that's to keep my cigarettes dry when it's raining
out! Yeah." The boy is satisfied with the explanation and goes
about his buisness.
A week goes by, and the kid remembers that tomorrow is his
father's birthday. He scrimps up as much change as he can and
heads for the Five & Ten shop, looking for a gift. The first
thing he notices is a condom display rack. Excitedly, he
approaches a clerk.
"Miss, are those Trojans over there?" he asks excitedly.
"Um, yes they are, little boy..." the clerk answers unsurely.
"I wanna buy a box!" he proudly announces.
"Yes, of course. And what size will that be?"
"I don't care, as long as they're big enough to fit a Camel! "
How many women do you know that you CAN trust?!?!
One. She is not born yet and her mother is dead.
A bald guy was talking to a friend. He said his wife had
been kidding him that his bald head felt just like her
ass. The friend reached out and rubbed his head, nodded wisely
and said, "You know, she's right!"
For further information.. send $5.00..NOW!
Why does a computer and a woman have in common?
-You have to punch information into both of them.
Why do women have legs?
-So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
What's the purpose of a woman?
-Cat life-support system.
What's the first thing a gentleman does with his a-hole in the morning?
-Wakes her up and gets her to make coffee.
What's awesome, blonde, blue and red at the same time?
-My girlfriend watching me type this- AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
"Being Sexy Isn't Easy, but Someone's Gotta Do It!"
"There are some things I like about you, but I can't put my
fingers on them..."
"Being close to you truly warms my heart. Plus a few other
places I can't mention."
Go ask Alice when she's ten feet tall. I did.
I went fishing one day, just for the halibut.
All I caught was a haddock,
So I went home and took too many aspirins,
And then my herring got impaired.
It's not that I don't trust you ??? Or is it?
Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up
a fast food seafood restaurant??
one was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in
France????
Linoleum blown-apart.
"Get the point?," he said sharply!
How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
Take down its genes.
I used to make a lot of puns about autos.
Hood ever believe you'd get such mileage from them?
You could have fueled me!
I used to invite this gal to my apartment to help me make
hamburgers.
I called her my grille friend!
Hear about the woman that used a glass diaphragm?
She wanted a womb with a view.
You all know about the 2 Pollacks that went bear-hunting?
They saw a sign in the road that said "Bear Left", so they turned
around and went home...
There was a man who painted rabbits all over his bald head
Claimed they looked like hares from a distance.
WARNING! SAFESEX.ZIP is a Trojan
Up at Dartmouth, there's a biologist experimenting with
changing the behavior patterns of rodents. When asked about
his work, he usually says he pulls habits out of rats.
A student at Boston University wavered for some time between
a career as a proctologist or a job as a barber. He eventually
flipped a coin to see how it came out; heads... or tails.
After his classroom had been remodeled, the college professor
was heard mooning about, missing the good old dais.
A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was
sporting a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door,
he replied he had been struck by the beauty of the place.
Similar story deals with the two Ukrainians (Canadian version
of Polack) who had hired on at the telephone company. The foreman sent
them out into the pole yard to see how high the poles stacked there
were. After they had been gone for 15 minutes, he went out to see
what was causing the delay. One of them was holding a pole upright
in his arms, while his parter was up the pole in his climbing irons,
with a measuring tape in has hands. "What the hell are you two doing?
he asked. "Measure them on the ground!" The guy holding the pole turned
and said, "You said measure how high, not how long!"
Two Ukrainians went hunting. One accidentally shot the other. The
shootee rushed the shot to the hospital and watched while they
wheeled his friend into the O.R. Ten minutes later the doctor
came out peeling off is gloves and shaking his head. Our friend
Worriedly asked, "He not make it Doctor?" The doctor said his
friend was dead. "Anything I should of done?" asked the shooter.
"Well," replied the doctor, "if that ever happens to you again,
for goodness sake, don't gut him!"
Did ya hear about the distraught Polish secretary? She thought her
typewriter was pregnant because it kept missing periods....
Bumper stickers on taxis: Kamakazis do it once.
Urban Assult Vehicle.
Signs with one letter missing:
At a car wash - "_OUCHLESS CAR WASH SYSTEM"
At a Wendy's - "NOW HIRING FULL TIME _LOSERS"
Other signs:
On an asphalt truck - "LET US FILL YOUR CRACK"
At an office - "ACE EXTERMINATING - WE KILL BUGS DEAD
WALK-IN'S WELCOME"
At a muffler shop - "NO MUFF TOO TOUGH FOR US"
At a garden shop - "WE NOW HAVE KRICKET KRAP"
On a gov't issue car - "FULTON COUNTY DISASTER COORDINATOR"
Groan
Groan
Groan
Groan
Groan
Groan
Start here ???????> Groan
Won't you listen to a groan up - Please no more PUN-ishment.
So this sweet little old Jewish lady is walking down the street
when she's suddenly accosted by a flasher -- the man jumps in
front of her and whips open his coat!
The lady stops, peers forward intently, and sniffs "Hah! You
call that a LINING?!?"
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser
Three old Ladies were walking down the stree when a Flasher came out and
Flashed them. The First old Lady had a Stroke and the Second old Lady
had a stroke but the Third old lady couldn't reach it!
A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the
kid next door bought an album also. "He buys every
stamp I do," the kid complained to his father, "and had
taken all the fun of it away." "Don't be a fool, my
boy," said pop. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest
form of philately."
What do you call a barber who cuts hair in a library?
A barbarian!!
A man went into a drug store and asked for some liniment.
"Walk this way" said the clerk. The man said: "If I could
walk that way, I wouldn't need the liniment"!
A man went into a drug store and asked the clerk: "Do you
have cotton balls?" "No you idiot!", said the clerk,
"What do you think I am, a rag doll?"!
"But I DO work in a pretzel factory", he thought in his
twisted mind! Oops!, sorry, I was miles away...
Definition of a "commentator" - an average potato.
My friend just fell in love with the head nurse at the hospital
where he is - I guess you can say that he's taken a turn for the
nurse!
And his brother the experimental Psychologist is still pulling
habits out of a rat.
Which reminds me of the dinner party I was at last night. It was
a candlelight affair; so when the hostess fell backwards onto the
table I shouted "You'll burn your end at both candles!"
And why couldn't the loutish baseball umpire have his little boy
sit in his lap?
Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire.
Long ago, Elmir the Curious sailed a small craft far away.
He sought the Elixir of Youth. It was said that a bush grew
somewhere along the river bank, the leaves of which, when
cooked for many hours, produced a substance which could ward
off the effects of age.
One afternoon he happened upon the bush!!!
He cooked two vials of a strange pungent substance, and
called all the elders of the city, explaining that he was
prepared to sell his Elixir of Youth.
How do we know it will work, they asked.
Elmir was incensed by these doubts. As they watched he drank
it all himself.
He never spoke of it again, though he lived for many years.
Many inquired, but his lips were sealed. You see, he had
invented Elmir's glue.
Hear about the Polacks shoes? They had TGIF on the top.
"Toes go in first"
.
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A widow.
What are those strange marks? I typed in periods.
Jack: Dack says he's related to you, and he can prove it.
Mack: Dack's a fool.
Jack: Well, yes, but that could be a coincidence.
Don't blame me, I voted for Bill 'n' Opus!
Sally: I've lost my dog.
Allie: Why don't you put an ad in the paper?
Sally: That wouldn't help. My dog can't read.
Will: How much will it cost to take me to the train station?
Taxi driver: Five dollars, sir.
Will: How much will you charge to take my suitcase?
Taxi driver: There's no charge for the suitcase.
WIll: In that case, take the suitcase and I'll walk.
There was once a small snail who always dreamed of
becoming a race-car driver.One day he heard that an uncle of
his had died and left him some money!Now his dream could be
realized! He bought himself a car,souped it up, and then
painted a large red "S" on it. When he was at his first
race,a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big
red "S" on the car? Simple,the snail replied; when people
see my car go zooming down the,track I want them all to
exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saw a sign for a doctor of Proctology in Columbia, MO, that said:
"Parking in Rear"
Q: Hear what Evil Kenevil's latest death defying stunt is going to be?
A: Walking across Newfoundland dressed as an Alter-boy.
What do you call a CAT who looks like yesterdays lunch?
BARFIELD..
Did you hear about the queer electron that used to go around
blowing fuses.
Incomplete Computer Glossary
============================
BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in 'Our son's
computer cost quite a bit.'
.
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much
time bragging about your computer skills.
.
BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer
screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine
companies do to you after getting your name on the mailing list.
.
CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid
having
to leave their computers for meals.
.
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much
time
at the computer and not enough time studying.
.
CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform
as in "You $#$%c% computer!"
.
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard
for seven hours at a clip.
.
DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you
install you computer.
.
ERROR: What you made the first time you went into a computer showroom
'just to look.'
.
EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house
your computer and all its peripherals.
.
FILE: What your secretary can do to her nails six and a half hours
a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
.
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to
la