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(I heard this from an MIT grad, who says it's a classic).
A student pushes a loaded shopping cart up to the express checkout
lane at a Cambridge grocery store. The cashier looks at the cart,
looks at the student, looks at the "EXPRESS -- EIGHT ITEMS OR LESS"
sign, and says to the student, "Are you from Harvard, where they
don't know how to count? Or MIT, where they don't know how to read?"
---
Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire
Alarm went off...one jumped up and headed for the door...his friend
shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"...Tom replied,
"I'm not, but my girl friend's husband is!".....
---
Q. Why does an Englishman close his eyes when he has sex?
A. Because he doesn't like to see a woman dissapointed !!
Q. Why does an Australian man close his eyes when he has sex ?
A. Because he doesn't like to see a woman enjoy herself !!!!
---
Some friends and I were talking about some of the more red-neck rural logging
communities in Washington. [We came up with the following slogans.]
towards nature than we do:
"If it moves, shoot it,
if it doesn't, cut it down."
"If you're married to it, beat it."
--
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so
you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't
never going to stand in line again!"
--
Subject: Postponed embarrassment
(Source: Melbourne Herald, In Black & White 14/6/89)
A mother due for an appointment with her gynaecologist was running too far
behind schedule to fit in a shower, so she opted for a quick cleanse with a
face washer.
While being examined by the gynaecologist, she was taken aback by his
cryptic remark:
"You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble!"
Well, she never...
But all became clear that night, when the woman's teenage daughter arrived
home and apologised for the spilt bottle of glitter on the bathroom floor.
The sweet thing had mopped up the mess using the mother's face washer!
--
Subject: Airline joke
Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives
who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed
their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
--
Subject: fund-raising humor
Did you hear about the new J. & T. Bakker (Jim & Tammy) slogan?
There's a sucker born again every minute.
--
Subject: What is Socialism?
The Poles say it's the longest and most painful
of the roads to capitalism.
--
Beverly had decided that she would learn to play golf, so she signed
up for and took lessons. After six months of diligent effort she was
ready to play eighteen holes with three of her friends.
Out on the course she was stung by a bee. Fearing an allergic reaction
she hurried back to the clubhouse to find the pro.
I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do?
Where were you stung?
Between the first and second hole!
Beverly, we need to work on your stance...
--
Scientists in Utah have just found a new way to make gold by simply putting
iron in the cold fusion jar.
H. WU THE PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIVERSITY
--
Seen on the letter's page of the "Irish Times"
Dear Sir,
Sex is the best form of fusion at room temperature,
yrs, etc.
--
The structure of the deuterium (heavy hydrogen) nucleus can be
described as "a proton married to two neutrons."
Maybe that's why the fusion experiments only work in Utah.
Matt Fichtenbaum
--
According to Harpers Index, sales of California Raisin(tm) merchandise in
North America topped $450 million last year. Sales of actual California
raisins were only $400 million during the same period.
John Eaton
--
The following was told at dinner yesterday. I have no idea
of the origin.
Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people:
"The good news is we got them down to ten."
"The bad news is that adultery is still one of them."
Brent Sterner
--
[Offensive to large bodies of water]
The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson,
when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea.
The man looks up to the heavens and says "Oh Lord, this is my only
grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will
not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."
Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.
The gandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"
--
What is the matter with you people? You have missed the oldest parting
remark around. This was attributed to none other than Moses:
Let's make like the Red Sea and part.
No where among the postings have I seen this ancient pearl. Have you no
feeling for the history of western civilization that you refuse to learn
its' deepest wisdom?
--
As told to me by a friend in the British Army:
A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the
bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker
had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR."
The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!"
Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of
his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted
with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"
--
Since we're into USSR jokes:
Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room;
Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but
the cat isn't there;
Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room,
the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!"
--
Amos Shapir
--
(alt.fusion cull, apparently true)
(This is a rumor that's making the rounds in the Netnews alt.fusion
discussion; I refer Netnews readers there for more information.)
There's a rumor that a Swedish chemist, back in 1926, submitted a
patent application for a technique of using palladium to turn hydrogen
into helium (essentially, the same setup that's behind the recent
"fusion in a jar" excitement).
There's another rumor that he gave up, because the technique generated
too much heat!
Paul S. R. Chisholm, AT&T Bell Laboratories
--
(Boston Globe, April 20, 1989)
Boston University is considering a plan to raise money by taking out life
insurance policies on its students and alumni, and collecting the benefits
when they die.
University President John R. Silber reportedly floated the proposal in a
speech last week, saying BU would pay for policies on consenting students
and alumni, and eventually reap millions of dollars for the school's
endowment.
--
A recent edition of the Guardian (a UK quality newspaper for those who don't
know) had a story titled "Charity's great sex appeal" reporting that Marie
Stopes International, a charity which raises money for the Third World, is
launching "Sex Aid" to finance birth control in countries where rising
populations are threatening the environment.
Couples are urged to keep a tin by the bed and put 25 pence in it every time
they make love, and send the resulting collection to the charity.
MSI's fund-raising manager Ms Patricia Hindmarsh said "It is a serious
suggestion. I think it will help people focus on the fact that they have
the freedom to make love without producing another mouth to feed".
The part of the story that I liked best, and the reason I'm forwarding it to
this newsgroup, is the Guardian's comment at the end of the story:
"Research suggests that the average British couple could donate at least
#12.50 a year."
--
Subject: Leadership .vs. Management
When Noah heard the weather forecast he
ordered the building of the ark.
--- that was Leadership
Then he looked around and said, "Make
sure the elephants don't see what the
rabbits are up to."
--- that was Management
--
Subject: sign on a hospital bulletin board
Colloquium announcement:
Research shows the first five minutes of life
can be the most risky.
Hand-written note underneath:
The last five minutes aren't so hot either.
--
Subject: inquiry
(This is from a little book called "Buurmans hemd nader bekeken", by
Harry de Jong (in Dutch). I thought it deserved a bigger audience.
Hans)
How often a week do you sleep with your wife ?
asked the inquirer.
Three times, I said without hesitation.
That is once more often than your neighbour,
the inquirer said, writing.
That makes sense, I said,
after all, she's my wife.
--
Subject: Resumes
If you think the captain has it bad, consider the following resume:
Prior Job Experience
--------------------
March 1989 3rd Mate, Exxon Valdez
No worries about overqualification!
--
Subject: High Steaks
A number of years ago, a major meat packer wanted to do a promotional campaign
on radio. The idea was to have call-in contests on radio stations throughout
the country, and the winners would receive large supplies of sirloin steaks.
The researchers had to come up with a name for the contest. The report they
submitted read something like this.
After conducting market research, we have reached the
conclusion that the name "High Steaks" would be an
appropriate name for the contest. We base this conclusion
on interviews and surveys, and we are firmly convinced that
the majority of radio listeners will understand the
double entendre. The only city where we found the a lack
of sophistication was Memphis, TN, and there we recommend
that you call the contest "Free Meat."
---
Subject: On Being Prepared for Marriage
(on David Letterman, week of 3/13):
"My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks
like a 'regular guy' -- no earring or anything. But really
I think a man with an earring is better prepared for
marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought
jewelry."
-- Rita Rudner
--
Subject: The Philipines
Q: What was Corazon Aquino's happiest hour?
A: When she found out she had Imelda Marcos' shoe size.
--
Subject: drowning in red tape...
a recent TASS headline:
SPACE IS NO ESCAPE FROM DIMWIT BEAUROCRATS
A soviet officer faces charges that he failed to respond to four
notifications for army reserve service. Since November, however, he
has been orbiting earth in a space station. I guess the mail service
just isn't all it's cracked up to be...
--
Subject: Amazing scientific discovery
Physicists at the University of Rochester have discovered that it is
possible, using their multimillion dollar fusion research laser equipment,
to destroy objects that are very far away, for example in Utah.
--
Subject: The core of the apple
Q.: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
A.: Crib death.
- Tiger Magazine (Princeton U. Humor Mag)
--
Subject: Eastern Network
What's the similarity between Eastern Airlines and CBS?
Neither one has any pilots!
--
Subject: witzelsucht
A medical professional recently told me about a strange and little known
malady. Somehow, it seemed appropriate to forward the information here.
I did not make this up. Honest.
witzelsucht (vit'sel-zoocht) [Ger.]
"A mental condition characteristic of frontal lobe lesions and marked by
the making of poor jokes and puns and the telling of pointless stories, at
which the patient himself is intensely amused."
>From Dorland's Illustrated Medical Dictionary, 26th edition.
--
Subject: Drinking Philosophers
Sandy Murphy and Udaya Shankar, two researchers at the University of
Maryland, recently received a reprint request for their article "A note
on the Drinking Philosophers Problem", published in Transactions on
Programming Languages and Systems.
Not too unusual, except that the request came from the Research
Institute on Alcoholism in Buffalo.
--
Subject: racists
What is the difference between Northern and Southern racism?
A southern racist doesn't mind blacks living nearby, as long as they
don't get "uppity"
A northern racist doesn't mind blacks getting "uppity" as long as they
don't live close.
--
Subject: Creativity in bait'n'switch?
From the bottom of an ad for No Frills Furniture/TV/Appliances,
Toronto Star colour comics section, March 11, 1989:
"Because this ad is prepared in advance, we regret it is
impossible to guarantee that some items may be sold out."
--
<Told to me about 12 years ago>
Q: What's the definition of a three-time loser?
A: A pregnant whore driving an Edsel with a "Nixon for President" bumper
sticker on it.
--
Subject: AirJEDR close call
well, there was another close call for AirJEDR this week. seems the
pilot had a heart attack and the controllers in the tower had to talk
the stewardess through the takeoff.
--
Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. As the day draws
to a close, in a small synagogue in Vilna, the rabbi is praying
ferverently. "Oh, God," he says, "I am nothing before you!" The cantor
also says "Oh, God, I am nothing before you!" Then the shammes*,
inspired by their piety, cries out, "Oh, God, I am nothing before
you!" The cantor raises his eyebrows, looks at the rabbi, and says,
"Nu, look who thinks he's nothing!"
--
Subject: higher, girls, HIGHER!
I went into a video store today at lunch and picked up Jane Fonda's latest
video, the "It Didn't Workout" tape.
--
Subject: Geriatric problems
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says:
"Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven
o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give
me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says: "You
think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00
I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all
kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up:
"Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.
Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I
wake up."
--
>From the January 89 issue of Unix/Review:
Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they
spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and
overshoots. The second aims and undershoots.
The third shouts out "We got him!".
No apologies to statisticians.
--
Subject: A Man With A Problem
A middle aged buisnessman goes to see his physician.
"Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she
loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a
blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch.
And before I leave work at the end of the day she *really* works
me over."
"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomanic," the man continued.
"I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for
a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a
marathon session each night before we go to sleep."
"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.
"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."
--
Did you hear that Jane Fonda and hubby Tom Hayden have agreed to
a trial separation ? She's going to North Vietnam and he's going south.
--
Subject: Pan-Am looses engine
Paraphrased from the Tonight Show
No one was really quite sure how Pan-Am could loose an engine off of
an airplane. It was found out later that the engine had a luggage
sticker on it.
--
In order to combat fighting in Big East conference games, players ejected
for fighting will not be paid for that game.
--
Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska last week announced they have a
superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
--
Subject: Pan Am crash in England
What's the difference between First Class and Coach on Pan Am?
About five miles.
--
Subject: Laboratory Experiment
A friend of mine studying medicine once told me this story.
Apparently one day there was a lab where all the students were
learning how to identify various cells. As samples they were
using tissue scraped from the inside of the mouth.
One girl was having terrible difficulties figuring out what kind of cell
she was seeing under her microscope--eventually she called over the
teaching assistant to identify it.
He came over, smirked, and exclaimed (loud enough for everyone to hear)
"Oh wow! That's a sperm cell!"
She was somewhat more careful after that experience....
--
A guy and his friend go to a little coffee shop, and
the guy orders a hamburger. The guy behind the counter
spits in his hands and rubbs them against each
other, grabs a chunck of ground beef from a dirty
bowl with flies flying around, and spits on the
grill. Then he puts the chunk of beef under his
armpit to make a patty and then throws the patty on
the grill.
The guy ordering the hamburger looks at his friend
and says "god damn that is gross". The friend
says "that's nothing, you should see how he makes
the donuts".
--
Subject: Change in the bible
An American makes a proposal to the Vatican: he offers a hundred million
dollars in exchange for the changing of one word in the Bible. He will
only reveal what the word is when meeting with the Pope himself.
The Curia is doubtful, but the money would certainly be useful. An
audience is arranged, but it doesn't last long.
"What did you propose?" the puzzled cardinals ask the American.
"Only that 'Amen' should be replaced by 'Texas Oil'."
{ed Please don't all mail me the Wonder Bread joke.}