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From shelley@aimed.UUCP Wed Feb 1 02:20:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: shelley@aimed.UUCP (Shelley Spence)
Subject: football
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, topical, original, chuckle.
Date: 1 Feb 89 08:20:05 GMT
Organization: AIM, Inc, Toronto, Ontario
The following is a light hearted look at american football. Hit 'n'
now if you are offended easily by random sillyness that pokes fun
at americans.
Well nothing much has happened in the world of sports. It is the superbowl
today however, this is a United States event (I would have said American
however I am in North America and would not like to be included in this
tradition). The event is a game where large brainless men smash into each
other in order to advance a pig's skin, shaped in an oblong fashion, to the
opponent's end of a 100 yard field. Many people will wager on this event and
still many more will watch it with non-financial interests. Many beer and
car making corporations will vie for an advertising spot during the game by
paying them largest amounts of money ever recorded for a Television spot
in history. They often try to get the brainless players to endorse their
products first hand. This seems very illogical as these men are not known
for their acting abilities and they are usually retired players of superbowl
past. They also firmly believe that miller light is either less filling or
it tastes great, but never both at once. Sometimes musicians and comedians
help the brainless men because they are more inclined to acting.
Well back to the actual game. This superbowl activity does not have
anything to do with tupperware parties. It is the final game of a season's
worth of FOOTBALL. The word football is used for this game to piss off the
British who refer to their game of soccer as football. This makes
more sense, as soccer is played mostly with the foot and the superbowl is not.
It is also worthy to note that the vast majority of the planet prefers the
game of soccer to that of U.S. football. They hold a world championship every
year in soccer that the U.S. is never a contender in. The U.S. has in turn
retaliated by coining the term "World Series" to the American game of
baseball. (which the central Americans are much better at playing then native
U.S. players).
Well once again getting off the topic of the game. Men named after
various body parts (quarter back, tight end) line up facing each
other and when certain grunts have been uttered they run into each other.
The team with the pig then tries to pass it through the line of men. They
have three chances to move the ball 10 yards. If they do not succeed they get
angry and kick the ball at the opponent's side of the field. The opponents
then try to return the ball until they get mad and kick it back.
SUCCESS When a goal is scored.
If by chance one team should get the pig's skin into the opposing teams end
of the field a strange and bizzare ritual occurs. First the pig is thrown as
hard as possible into the ground where it doesn't stay. Instead it bounces
madly across the field and forgotten. Sometimes this step is replaced by the
team member dancing with the pig's skin held high in the air and running
towards other team members. Step two is the same in both cases. The men all
rush together and hug each other and pat each other vigorously on the bottom.
The coach of the team will hug his co-coaches and smile with admiration.
Step three consists of a replay of the whole event for television viewers
and those advertisers who want to know who should endorse their products for
next year.
The purpose of winning the game is that these goal scorers from the winning
team only will be asked to advertise for the corporations. The losers will
not be invitied.
When the game is over the wining team will pour cheap champagne all over each
other in the dressing room where women reporters will not be admitted, but the
men will undress in front of the television cameras anyway. The cameras will
show the losing team crying in their locker room. The most endorsable
player will be chosen just in case the advertisers could not figure out which
player this should be.
This my friend is a United States dream come true.
For those now feeling offended, flames and fan mail can be addressed to:
shelley@aimed
--
From qsxy@vax5.cit.cornell.edu Wed Feb 1 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: qsxy@vax5.cit.cornell.edu
Subject: Sales
Keywords: heard it, chuckle, sexual
Date: 1 Feb 89 11:30:06 GMT
A new sales assistant was hired at a large dept. store. On his first day, the
sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by
the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed.
The sales manager stepped in.
SM: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
C : I guess so. I'll take one.
SM: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer ?
C : Um, okay.
SM: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass
when it starts growing too long.
C : I'll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?"
he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what
the customer originally came in for."
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where
he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
MAN: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
SA : Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
MAN: Why would I want to do that?
SA : Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the
lawn.
--
From bobc@killer.DALLAS.TX.US Thu Feb 2 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: bobc@killer.DALLAS.TX.US (Bob Calbridge)
Subject: It's chemical
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 3 Feb 89 00:30:05 GMT
Organization: The Unix(R) Connection, Dallas, Texas
April 1, 1988: The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered
by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named
Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic
number is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron,
75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called
memoons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
dectected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is
present. According to Dr. M. Langour, one of the discoverers of the element, a
very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less
than a second take over four days.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which
time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in
which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the
vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic
mass number actually increases after each reorganization.
Administratium was discovered by accident when Dr. Languor angrily
resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all of his
papers into the intake hatch of the university's particle accelerator.
"Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports, grant forms, etc. with
the particles in the accelerator created the new element." Dr. Langour
explained.
Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium
might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist,
Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university campuses,
near the best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.
--
From 64460v@d1.UUCP Fri Feb 3 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: 64460v@d1.UUCP (R. Scott V. Paterson)
Subject: Little Johnny
Keywords: swearing, funny, sexual
Date: 3 Feb 89 11:30:04 GMT
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud
noises coming from his parents bedroom. He got out of
bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room.
Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises
had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little
Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father
removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what
he could tell his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."
replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion
and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"
--
From major@shuksan.UUCP Mon Feb 6 18:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: major@shuksan.UUCP (Mike Schmitt)
Subject: Inaccurate Titles
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 7 Feb 89 00:30:03 GMT
Organization: The Boeing Co., BAC MMST, Seattle, WA
> (sargeant major in pompous voice - british accent)
Three English gentlemen, all properly attired, were sitting in a train
compartment while traveling thru the English countryside. All three busily
engrossed in reading their London Times. Naturally, not having been
properly introduced, they did not speak to each other. The quiet in the
compartment was disturbing.
Finally, one gentleman, put his paper down and declared, (in your best
veddy veddy British accent), "Sir James Hyde-White, here. Brigadier,
retired. Oxford, '59. Married. Two sons, both Royal Marine officers," and
promptly went back to reading his paper.
A short while later, the second gentleman put down his paper and declared,
(again, in very upper class british accent), "Sir Jonathen Colin-Simpson,
here. Brigadier, retired. Eton, '61. Married. Two sons, both Royal Air
Force pilots," and he promptly went back to reading his paper.
A few miles down the track, the third gentleman put down his paper and
stated, (now use your best irish-cockney accent), "Ian McTavish 'ere.
Sergeant Major, retired. Coldstream Guards. Not married. Two sons.
Both Brigadiers."
--
major, retired.
--
From mike@turing.cs.unm.edu Tue Feb 7 02:20:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mike@turing.cs.unm.edu (Michael I. Bushnell)
Subject: How many postings for one joke?
Keywords: topical, original, smirk
Date: 7 Feb 89 08:20:07 GMT
Q:
How many rec.humor.funny postings does it take to read one joke?
A:
Ten. One for the joke, and nine for adminstratrivia on the legal
ramifications of posting, reading, and re-transmitting the joke.
--
-mib
--
From scj@meccsd.MECC.MN.ORG Tue Feb 7 05:30:09 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: scj@meccsd.MECC.MN.ORG (Scotian)
Subject: Yuks from the Yakutsk
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, funny
Date: 7 Feb 89 11:30:09 GMT
Organization: MECC
Taken from 'The Jokes of Oppression: The Humor of Soviet Jews'.
Question: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
Answer: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians
take the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up
the Jews.
Question: What's meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist
party of the Soviet Union?
Answer: It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion,
and I leave with the party's.
==============================
Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon bagan
talking.
"What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another.
"They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich,"
snarled one man.
"And why are you here?" asked the second of the first.
"For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he
replied.
"And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked.
"For being Khaimovich," he sighed.
--
Scott C. Jensen
scj@mecc.MN.ORG
--
From kane@batcomputer.UUCP Tue Feb 7 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: kane@batcomputer.UUCP (Yana Kane-Esrig)
Subject: Truth in Advertising
Keywords: funny
Date: 8 Feb 89 00:30:06 GMT
A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts
looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she
finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally,
she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches
ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch
on the counter in front of the proprietor.
Tourist: "would you please repair this watch."
Proprietor: "Madam, I cannot repair your watch."
T: "But why not? It is an ordinary model"
P: "Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions"
T (irritated): "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?"
P: "Well, and what should I have in my window?"
--
From steven@uts.amdahl.com Wed Feb 8 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: steven@uts.amdahl.com (Fearless Leader)
Subject: A thousand points of amnesia
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 8 Feb 89 08:20:04 GMT
(From Carson's monologue Wednesday nite (2/1/89))
"I understand the attorneys are having a lot of trouble finding jurors for
the Oliver North trial.. They have to locate 12 people that have never heard
of the Iran-Contra scandal ...
... so far, they've only been able to come up with George Bush."
--
Steven Swinkels
--
From eric@hpqtdla.UUCP Wed Feb 8 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: eric@hpqtdla.UUCP (Eric Percival)
Subject: Fruits of love
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 8 Feb 89 11:30:04 GMT
Organization: Hewlett Packard, West Lothian, Scotland
A young couple have just got married and are wandering through the countryside
loking for somewhere to stay. They come to a farm and knock on the door.
The farmer answers the door and they explain how they have just got married,
and don't have a lot of money but would like somewhere to stay for a few days.
The farmer being a kind hearted soul offers them the hay loft in his barn,
where they retire to immediately. A few days go by and there is no sign of
the young couple emerging from the barn. After a week, the farmer becomes a
bit concerned, so he goes out to the barn and shouts up "Are you all right
in there ?" "Yes thank you," comes the reply. "Aren't you getting hungry?"
asked the farmer, "You haven't been out for a week." "It's alright" comes
the reply, "we're living off the fruits of love." "Well," said the farmer,
"I do wish you'd stop throwing the skins out the window !"
--
From kss@rti.rti.org Wed Feb 8 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: kss@rti.rti.org (Kristi Simmons)
Subject: Train joke
Keywords: swearing, smirk, heard it
Date: 9 Feb 89 00:30:04 GMT
There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his
train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the
door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him
saying,
"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get
on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the
train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to
change seats, change seats now 'cause the trains getting ready to
leave. Whoo whooooo."
The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,
"Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up,
you can't play with your train set for two hours."
So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for
two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he
could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he
understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he
went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say.
The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,
"Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the
train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to
get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who
are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in
the kitchen.
--
From ronnie@unknown Thu Feb 9 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: ronnie@unknown (Ronnie B. Kon)
Subject: A Sonnet
Keywords: original, maybe
Date: 9 Feb 89 11:30:04 GMT
For Lisa Too
A Sonnet
Hal had his Daisy. I my Lotus dear.
In proud rebellion, Hal lost his all.
From this I learn patience; a moral clear:
Count -- one two three -- and wait for my love's call.
She is unique -- no copy can be made.
The look of her sweet eyes, the feel of her
Soft hands, ne'er from my memory shall fade.
Because of these, all others I abjure.
And in the evenings of those days we meet,
With ling'ring taste of apple bathed in stream
I spread myself within my lonely sheet.
Of music -- jazz and symphony -- I dream.
I shift and enter, escape and return.
For to do else would her sweet program spurn.
Ronnie Kon
Copr. (C) 1988, by the Author., Reprinted with Permission
All Rights Reserved.
--
From egil@tc.fluke.COM Fri Feb 10 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: egil@tc.fluke.COM (Kevin Summers)
Subject: the rules of relationships
Keywords: sexual stereotypes, smirk
Date: 10 Feb 89 11:30:06 GMT
I found this in the salon where I get my hair cut. The owner says she
feels these rules are correctly stated.
THE RULES (*)
For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in
effect in every relationship.
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
----------------------------------------
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
--------------------------
6. If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
7. If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for
causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of
the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she
wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. The female always gets the last word!
(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit.
--
From farshid@cs.utexas.edu Sun Feb 12 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: farshid@cs.utexas.edu (Farshid Arman)
Subject: a joke from Mr. F.
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, heard it, chuckle, gross
Date: 12 Feb 89 11:30:06 GMT
Organization: U. Texas EE Dept., Austin, Texas
A guy and his friend go to a little coffee shop, and
the guy orders a hamburger. The guy behind the counter
spits in his hands and rubbs them against each
other, grabs a chunck of ground beef from a dirty
bowl with flies flying around, and spits on the
grill. Then he puts the chunk of beef under his
armpit to make a patty and then throws the patty on
the grill.
The guy ordering the hamburger looks at his friend
and says "god damn that is gross". The friend
says "that's nothing, you should see how he makes
the donuts".
--
From kurt@tc.fluke.COM Sun Feb 12 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: kurt@tc.fluke.COM (Kurt Guntheroth)
Subject: Impotence Joke (re: Longevity)
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 13 Feb 89 00:30:04 GMT
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA
97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed. He says "Doc, I
think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he
gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow
down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire.
How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax
and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah. Finally the
doctor asks "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"
"Three times last night, and again this morning."
--
From moriarty@tc.fluke.COM Wed Feb 15 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: Special Limited-Time Offer
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 15 Feb 89 08:20:04 GMT
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA
Heard at a John McCutcheon concert:
"Buy a toaster, get a free Savings & Loan."
--
Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
--
From noworol@eecg.toronto.edu Wed Feb 15 05:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: noworol@eecg.toronto.edu (Mark Noworolski)
Subject: Laboratory Experiment
Keywords: sexual, true, funny
Date: 15 Feb 89 11:30:07 GMT
Organization: EECG, University of Toronto
A friend of mine studying medicine once told me this story.
Apparently one day there was a lab where all the students were
learning how to identify various cells. As samples they were
using tissue scraped from the inside of the mouth.
One girl was having terrible difficulties figuring out what kind of cell
she was seeing under her microscope--eventually she called over the
teaching assistant to identify it.
He came over, smirked, and exclaimed (loud enough for everyone to hear)
"Oh wow! That's a sperm cell!"
She was somewhat more careful after that experience....
--
noworol@ecf.toronto.edu
--
From davidbe@sco.UUCP Wed Feb 15 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: davidbe@sco.UUCP
Subject: A Song for the 80's (Offensive to Republicans)
Keywords: explicitly sexual, smirk, original
Date: 16 Feb 89 00:30:06 GMT
GIVE YOURSELVES A HAND
excerpted from
"Kids Who Eat Paste"
performed by
The Brunching Shuttlecocks
written by
Lore "Cosmic Slug" Shoberg
Scene: A podium, with the Presidential Seal and a few
microphones on it. BARBARA BUSH is standing
at the podium as lights come up.
BARB: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen of the press. As you know,
I have recently replaced Nancy Reagan as First Lady
and role model for the youth of today. Because of this,
many people have been asking me, "Barbara, what do
you have to say to contemperary teenagers? Nancy
had `Just Say No,' what message do you have?" Well,
"No" is such a. . .negative word. I'd rather give kids
"dos" than "dont's". Do recognize your right to pleasure,
but do protect yourselves from all the horrible things that
can happen to you. In short, DO whack off.
I think that it's high time the people of America
realized what a boon jerking off can be! And not just
children, either. Why, when George wants some nookie,
and I don't, he just turns over and slips himself the
four-fingered practice tunnel, and our problem is solved.
It's so easy, and people should realize that solo sex
is the safest sex. Next time you feel like consorting with
someone of questionable sexual background, just pop
into the nearest bathroom, pull down your pants or
pull up your skirt, and do some exploring, and in no time
you'll be satisfied!
I just want to say: boys, choke that chicken! Girls,
shake hands with that pink satin ski slope! In short,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!
(A banner unfolds behind her, reading "Masturbators
of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!" A ROCKER jumps
on from offstage, dressed like a conservative middle-aged
woman might imagine the average rock star to look like,
i.e. combining Heavy Metal, Punk, and Top Forty in a
thouroghly atrocious style. He sings the following song.)
ROCKER: You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special licence
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!
(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the
ROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you jump
backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that
instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.)
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand
Lights go down as ROCKER bows to the audience.
Copyright 1989 Lore Shoberg (Used with permission)
(velcro@ucscb.ucscc.edu)
--
From peka%tank@oddjob.uchicago.edu Thu Feb 16 02:20:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peka%tank@oddjob.uchicago.edu (Ron Pekar)
Subject: Pan Am crash in England
Keywords: topcial, smirk
Date: 16 Feb 89 08:20:06 GMT
What's the difference between First Class and Coach on Pan Am?
About five miles.
--
From noise@cisunx.UUCP Thu Feb 16 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: noise@cisunx.UUCP (Andy Andrews)
Subject: Don't let the bed bugs bite
Keywords: original, computer, chuckle, sexual
Date: 16 Feb 89 11:30:04 GMT
dream(1l)
NAME
dream - suspend execution for an interval while executing
random code in memory
SYNTAX
dream [-d][[-nrRsw] [time]]
DESCRIPTION
Dream suspends execution of the current proces for time
seconds, while simulating a dream sequence by executing random
segments of code in memory. All devices are paralyzed (blocked)
to prevent dangerous side-effects. The options are as follows:
-d daydream. code seems to be more related to the actual
suspended process, and suspension will be for a limited
amount of time. Attention can be restored by snapping
fingers next to keyboard.
-n nightmare. Repeated references to the system error logs
are made during execution.
-r recurring. The code of a previous execution will be
re-selected for this dream.
-R REM (Rapid Eye Movement). The current value of the PC is
is flashed on the screen for every instruction.
-s sleepwalking. Tape drives will be sent many alternating
fast-forward and rewind requests and/or line printers sent
many alternating carraige-return and tab codes to promote
movement of machine(s) across floor. Stopping these
devices may confuse the program.
-w wet dream. The code is selected from the sex(1l) program.
Dream will invoke automatically with the -d option when the
system proves extremely slow.
The relation of the randomly-executed code to the subconcious
(background tasks) of the current processes is suspected but has
not been proven.
WARNING
do not select the -w option without covering the keyboard.
SEE ALSO
sleep(1), sex(1l), dream(3l), alarm(3C)
--
From mirk@cs.warwick.ac.uk Thu Feb 16 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mirk@cs.warwick.ac.uk (Mike Taylor)
Subject: This tree has no nodes. No nodes, how does it parse? Recursively!
Keywords: original, chuckle
Date: 17 Feb 89 00:30:04 GMT
I've got this compilation of variations on the "My Dog's Got no Nose"
joke, which I thought you might like to use in rec.humor.funny. I have
read your list of submission guidelines, and I know that you don't like
people to submit groups of jokes all at once, *but* ... Well, when you
have read through these, you will realise that a lot of them don't make
sense out of context.
You will be glad to see that these are all fully attributed. Mike Taylor
is me, Andy Charles, Andreas Pagel and Mike Lessacher are friends, and
Andy Clews is a systems administrator I happen to be in email contact
with, due to him liking the original MDGNN compendium, (which consisted
basically of the first fourteen of these). You should know that this
subset of the following was posted to eunet.jokes, about 18 months ago,
but that otherwise, these are all completely new.
I hope you can use these, then. Keep up the good work with the group!
/*--------------------------------------------------------------------------*/
The Complete "My Dog's Got No Nose" Compendium
==============================================
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: Awful.
(Traditional)
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: You poke his eyes out.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: (Pause) ... Well, it's kind of hard to describe really.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: (Pause) ... It's OK, he has got one really.
(Andreas Pagel)
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: (Pause) ... Oh, go and get a glass of water.
(Andy Charles, incorporating material from
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail")
1st man: My dog's got no ears.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: With his nose, obviously.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: Of his own accord.
(Trad., arr. Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog's over thirteen billion miles long.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: Don't change the subject.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog's literally doesn't exist.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: Don't ask stupid questions.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My wife's gone to the West Indies.
2nd man: How does she smell?
1st man: When it's ajar.
(Trad., arr. Mike Taylor)
1st man: How do you make a Venetian Urn?
2nd man: I don't know, how _do_ you make a Venetian Urn?
1st man: (Pause) ... I'm sorry, I appear to have made a mistake.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My frog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does it smell?
1st man: Frogs can't smell.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog, who incidentally had no nose, died yesterday.
2nd man: How did he smell?
1st man: We shall never know. He died before he could tell me.
(Andy Clews)
1st Restaurant owner: My dog he die yesterday.
2nd Restaurant owner: How do he smell?
1st Restaurant owner: Don't know, but customers think he taste pretty good.
(Country of origin omitted here for sake of international relations)
(Andy Clews)
1st Circumlocutionist: I have in my possession an animal belonging to
the family Canidae, and it appears that he does not possess any
extra-facial olfactory organs.
2nd Circumlocutionist: Could you therefore impart to me such knowledge as
may be necessary to describe how that animal circumvents the problem
of satisfying his olfactory senses?
1st Circumlocutionist: Unfortunately the non-ambiguity of your enquiry does
not easily permit me to provide a clever answer, but I am in fact
thinking of referring the animal to an olfactologist. However, the
animal does have a fairly unpleasant body odour, should you be
interested.
(Andy Clews)
Cannibal Dog: My dog's got no nose.
(Mike Lessacher)
Senile old fool: My dog's got no nose.
Young delinquent: Why is that?
Senile old fool: He's been dead for 30 years.
(Mike Lessacher)
Senile old fool: My dog's got no nose.
Young delinquent: Why is that?
Senile old fool: I've been dead for 30 years.
(Mike Lessacher)
--
Mike Taylor
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