💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › JOKES › grettrut.hum captured on 2022-06-12 at 09:33:50.
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" 'The people of Krikkit,' said His High Judgemental Supremacy,
Judiciary Pag, L.I.V.R. (the Learned, Impartial, and Very Relaxed),
Chairman of the Board of Judges at the Krikkit War Crimes Trial, 'are
well, you know, they're just a bunch of real sweet guys, you know, who
just happen to want to kill everybody. Hell, I feel the same way some
mornings.' "
--- from ELife, the Universe, and EverythingR
"What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!"
--- Chico Marx
"Ladies and gentlemen- gentlemen and ladies. Students and faculty-
faculty and students. I thought my razor was dull until I heard this
speech."
--- Grouucho Marx
"A demented song I will sing you
A classic of poetry and wit
Last night when I went in my bathroom
I stepped in a big pile of-
Shaving cream
Be nice and clean
Shave every day and
You'll always look keen."
--- Dr. Demento
"Let me not criticize a man
until I have walked a mile in his moccasins."
--- Indian proverb
"I thought you might like to know that I'm feeling very
depressed."
--- Marvin the Paranoid Android
"Sign at ski resort: 'Laws of gravity strictly enforced.'"
--- ???
"Never wear a hat that has more character than you have."
--- Michael Harris
"Cast your bread upon the waters , and you'll be accused
of polluting the environment."
--- Jon Broome
"In times like these, remember there have always been
times like these."
--- Paul Harvey
Albrecht's Analogy: I have a vacuum-tube mind in a solid-state
world.
--- George Albrecht
Alex's Iron Axiom: Life is the ultimate IQ test.
--- Alex Fraser
Amis's Advice: Go ahead and be different- if you think you
can stand the beating you'll get.
--- Jim Amis
Ancient Volkswagen Proverb: Anything adjustible will sooner
or later need adjustment.
--- The California Aggie
Ben's Highway Rule: If you see one Army truck, you'll see
a hundred more.
--- Ben Brown, age 6
Blay's Discovery: Long-playing recordings scratch, pop, click,
wobble, and warp in direct proportion to the value placed
on them by their owners. Hated recordings have built-in
damage inhibitors and only self-destruct when they are
passed on to a loving recipient.
--- Robert E. Blay
Boston's Discovery: Cash flow is an oxymoron.
--- Bruce Boston
Brabender's Law: The most inactive player during the World
Series will be the most active during the club follies.
--- George Vecsey
Brian's Observation: The longer you wait to write a thank-you
note, the longer it must be.
--- from Jean Pike
Caroline's Law of Dinner Preparedness: When the smoke alarm
goes off, dinner is served.
--- Caroline Curtis
Chaplin's Rules: [1] The smaller the democracy, the more
complicated its political system. [2] The newer the
democracy, the longer its national anthem.
--- Stephen M. Chaplin
Chuck's Law of Contract Negotiations: Travesty is a constant-
no matter which side of the table you sit on.
--- Gerald Lee Steese
Clarke's Law: Improving something is admirable, but, in-
evitably, five times zero is still zero.
--- Dean Travis Clarke
Crescimbeni's Rule on Air Travel: Don't be afraid of
flying; be afraid of crashing!
--- Joseph Crescimbeni
Corporate Morality, Maxim of: Morality moves down the
corporate ladder, seldom up.
--- The 59-Second Employee
Crock's Law: No matter how large an area you are in,
if a fly is present, it will land on you.
--- Terry L. Crock
Data Processing Laws [Assorted]: [1] On a clear disk you
can seek forever. [2] Programs seek to expand themselves
beyond availible memory. [3] Compatible tapes aren't.
--- Virginia Beckwith
Depuy's Dictates: [1] In any magazine the number of pages
lacking page numbers is directly proportional to the
number of advertisements. [2] Most unnumbered pages occur
in those parts of the magazine to which the reader is
directed for article continuations.
--- Raymond H. Depuy
DeRock's Law of Dullness: Dullness is directly proportional
to the number of brown shirts in a crowd.
--- Doug DeRock
Dillon's Rule: The soup de jour is always cream of broccoli.
--- Janet Dillon
Dr. J's Distinction: If they say they love you, trust their
behavior. If they say they don't love you, trust their
words.
--- John H Dickey, Ph.D.
Dolan's Law: If a person has had any connection with Harvard
University of the state of Texas, he will find a way to
make that known to you during the first 10 minutes of
your first conversation.
--- Marty Dolan, from Joseph M. McCabe
DuBow's Laws of Attorney-Fee Compensation: [1] Never accept
a check from a man accused of passing bad ones.
[2] Never accept cash from a man accused of counterfeiting.
[3] If your client is a good-looking woman and wants a
divorce, get your fee in advance.
--- Myron DuBow
Dwyer's Law of Pins: If you unwrap a new article of clothing
that is secured by n pins, you will remove n-1 pins. And
that one pin will pierce you in a place that hurts.
--- Edward J. Dwyer
Ensminger's Theory of Multiplication: Trees always drop more
leaves that they bear.
--- Jim Ensminger, from John Schaefer
Evans' Law of Creation: It is ironic that the most sophisti-
cated eye in all of nature's creation was given to the
common housefly- so that it may better sit on your
potato salad.
--- James T. Evans
Farmer's Law: The easiest crops to grow are weeds and
pests.
--- from Thomas Gill