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This guy gets a raise, so he decides to but a new sight for his gun.
Well, anyway, the salesman at the store is throwing his pitch, and he
brags, "If you'll look through this sight, I'll bet that you can see my
house in perfect detail, even though it's the whole way at the top of the
hill."
So the guy looks through the sight, and says, "Yep, you're right... wait
a minute... I can see some lady and a guy running around with no clothes
on, too..."
Shocked, the salesman snatches the sight back, and looks through it.
Sure enough, he sees the same thing. Infuriated, the salesman hands the
guy a gun and two bullets, and says, "If you'll blow my cheatin' wife's
head off, and that guy's dick off, you can have the sight for free."
The guy looks throught the sight again. "You know, I think I can do that
with only 1 bullet..."
---------------------------------------
God finally decided to take Satan to court, to settle their differences
once and for all.
Upon hearing this, Satan laughed, and said, "Where do you think you're
going to find a lawyer?"
--------------------------
From: tegrara@prism.gatech.edu (ramasamy alagirussmy)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Phases of education
Date: 5 Apr 90 10:30:08 GMT
The dean of Engineering had once walked into a class, and said
"Good Morning." The whole class chorused "Good Morning".
"Hi, you are freshmen aren't you?" he asked.
One student bolder than the others asked him how he knew.
"Well," he said. "When I say 'Good Morning' to a class, if they are
freshmen they say 'Good Morning' too. If they are sophomores, they
quietly fold their papers away, and look at me. A class of Juniors
will look at me over the top of their papers, and then get back to
them. A class of Seniors will ignore my greeting, and keep reading
the papers. When I say 'Good Morning' to a class of graduate students,
they write it down.
{ed There are lots of quote collections out there. I prefer not to do 'em,
because they are so big and varied, but I had this one lying around...}
=========================================================================
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting."-Alan Dean Foster "To the
Vanishing Point"
=========================================================================
The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe:
All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that
I should have been more specific.
=========================================================================
"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward" -Bill Davidsen
=========================================================================
"The world is filled with fools. They blindly follow their so-called
'reason' in the face of the church and common sense. Any fool can see
that the world is flat!" - anon
=========================================================================
"Women and cats do as they dammed well please.
Men and dogs had best learn to live with it..."
Alan Holbrook
=========================================================================
"I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk...."
=========================================================================
Two obviously high-class old ladies are strolling down a city
street when they run across a grizzled, ragged old derelict
lying drunk in the gutter, covered with garbage, sewer water
running all over him. "Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies
haughtily. "Cleanliness is next to godliness. William Shakespeare!"
The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her
balefully, and replies, "Fuck you. Tennessee Williams..."
=========================================================================
A retired dentist who loves to fish. "Open wide," he mutters to the unseen fish
as he waits for a tug on the line. "Now bite down. This may sting just a
little bit."
Then of course, there's the way Keillor used to close his broadcast stories:
"That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the men are smart, the women
are good looking, and all the children are above average."
Keillor has a sort of low-key, "Huh? Whuzzat?" humor that I'm very fond of.
I have a Steven King line I'm fond of too. It's from _The_Dead_Zone, and it's
not funny at all, but I find it to be true. Johnny Smith is talking to the
wealthy father of the boy he's been hired to tutor. The father says something
to the affect that there are three kinds of people in the world. 95 percent
of the people are drones, zeroes. One percent are saints and one percent
are devils, and that two percent are born the way they are. The other
three percent_the people who get the vast majority of things in the world
done_are the people who do what they say they will do.
of him as a classical author and you'll have a real good time. I recommend
=========================================================================
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." -- Sigmund Freud
=========================================================================
"a woman is only a woman,
but a good cigar is a smoke"
=========================================================================
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of
things. The decayed and degraded state of
moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that
Nothing is worth war is much worse. The per-
son who has nothing for which he is willing
to fight, nothing which is more important
than his own personal safety, is a miserable
creature and has no chance of being free unless
made and kept so by the exertions of better
men than himself.
--- John Stewart Mill
=========================================================================
Duty then is the sublimest word in the
English language. You should do your duty in
all things. You can never do more, you should
never wish to do less.
General Robert E. Lee
======================================================================
We will occasionally use this arrow notation unless there is danger of
no confusion.
-- Ronald Graham, "Rudiments of Ramsey Theory"
======================================================================
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance
in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a
most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted,
baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a
fricassee, or a ragout.
-- Jonathan Swift, "A Modest Proposal"
========================================================================
Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had
become socially correct for girls.
-- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities"
=======================================================================
He, in a few minutes ravished this fair creature, or at least would have
ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented him.
-- Henry Fielding, "Jonathan Wild"
=========================================================================
In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a nice,
solid piece of wood in your hands.
-- Ian Faith, manager of Spinal Tap
=========================================================================
All obvious theorems are true.
-- Pommersheim's Principle
All true theorems are obvious.
-- Keane's Kriterion
=========================================================================
Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin'
out license plates that say "Live free or Die."
-- ???
=========================================================================
I'm a clown. That's my sole mechanism of defense. Very few people will go
out of their way to punish a clown.
-- ???
=========================================================================
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains
a fool forever.
-- Old Chinese saying
=========================================================================
Monty Python
"In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and
healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to
the death for it."
=========================================================================
Ripping Yarns
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some
sheep's testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."
=========================================================================
"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of
gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
"Hit it."
=========================================================================
Pink Panther
"Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?"
-- Chief Inspector Clouseau, in reference to a priceless white\
Steinway piano.
=========================================================================
Dave Barry
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes
on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists
and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and
not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a
useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is
second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little
scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds
if we felt like it.
=========================================================================
The Odd Couple
"A penny for your thoughts?"
"A dollar for your death."
=========================================================================
The Princess Bride
"Inconceivable!"
"You use that word a lot. I do not think it means what you think it does."
=========================================================================
Daffy Duck
"Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!"
--D. Duck
"Consequences, shmonsequences! So long as I'm rich!"
-- Daffy Duck
"Mine! Mine! It's all mine!"
-- D. Duck
=========================================================================
Politicians
"The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves,
only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that
there may be something to them we are missing."
-- Gamel Abdel Nasser
=========================================================================
"Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters."
-- Ross Presser
========================================================================
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in
the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find
that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are
dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes,
to make it possible.
T. E. Lawrence
_The Seven Pillars of Wisdom_
=========================================================================
Always do what you are afraid to do.
Emerson
=========================================================================
"It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's more
true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are
usually attracted by other things than power. When they
do act, they think of it as service, which has limits.
The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for which he is insa-
tiable, implacable."
David Brin
_The Postman_
========================================================================
H. L. Mencken: "The American public knows what it wants,
and deserves to get it good and hard."
=========================================================================
"Hankerin' for trouble, eh? Well I would like--"
[aside] "I would like? I would like a trip to Europe!"
"--I would like..."
--Daffy Duck, "Dripalong Daffy"
"Go on! Shoot me again! I enjoy it! I love the smell of burnt feathers
and gunpowder and cordite!"
--Daffy Duck, "Duck! Rabbit! Duck!"
=========================================================================
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them
like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
--Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"
=========================================================================
"Go! And never darken my towels again!"
--Groucho Marx, "Duck Soup".
=========================================================================
"Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked
myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
--Groucho Marx, "Monkey Business"
=========================================================================
"The shortest distance between two points is through Hell."
--Brian Clark
=========================================================================
There are three side effects of acid. Enchanced long term memory,
decreased short term memory, and I forget the third.
-Timothy Leary
=========================================================================
"I'm a great housekeeper. I get devorced. I keep the house".
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
=========================================================================
"The will to win is worthless if you don't get paid for it" (Reggie Jackson)
I have some better ones that I'll send you once I get them.
Paul Wilbert
=========================================================================
"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself
at the ground and miss."
- Hitchhiker's
=========================================================================
James Bond: What do you expect me to talk?
A.Goldfinger: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!
Goldfinger
=========================================================================
From a high school history teachers stash of student goodies:
(all spellings SIC)
" The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormic invented the McCormic raper
which could do the work of 100 men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ
of Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one
of the Marx brothers."
=========================================================================
On the old "You Bet Your Life" program, Groucho Marx was getting to know
one of his contestants. The man told Groucho that he had 10 children.
"Why so many children?" Groucho asked. "Well, I love my wife", the man
answered. Groucho paused but a second, then said "I love my cigar but
I take it out of my mouth once in a while!"
=========================================================================
"Well, now, hold onta yer horses, there, Frazier. I mean, as a psychiatrist,
isn't it your job to, uh, `seek and uphold the truth'?"
"Oh, get real, Cliff."
--- Cheers
=========================================================================
A witty saying proves nothing.
--- Voltaire
=========================================================================
"J. D. Salinger... John Knowles... even James Kirkwood and that
guy Don Bredes... they've destroyed being an adolescent,Garraty.
If you're a sixteen-year-old boy, you can't discuss the pains of
adolescent love with any decency anymore. You just come off
sounding like fucking Ron Howard with a hardon."
Richard Bachman (Stephen King)
=========================================================================
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
=========================================================================
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
=========================================================================
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
=========================================================================
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
=========================================================================
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
=========================================================================
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
=========================================================================
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
=========================================================================
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
=========================================================================
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
on roof and gets stuck.
=========================================================================
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
=========================================================================
Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
=========================================================================
Winston Churchill: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats
look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
=========================================================================
Harry Bender:
"Imagine the appeals,
Dissents and remandments,
If lawyers had written
The Ten Commandments"
=========================================================================
James Thurber: "I think that maybe if women and children
were in charge we would get somewhere."
=========================================================================
Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C.": "If man evolved from the
ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them were
given choices."
=========================================================================
Bill Watterson, cartoonist: "Sometimes I think the surest
sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe
is that none of it has tried to contact us."
=========================================================================
Unidentified Scientist: "After two years of trying,
scientists at the Yerkes Regional Primate Center have
managed to get a chimpanzee pregnant." Which proves that no
task is repugnant to a true scientist.
=========================================================================
Irv Kupcinet: "What can you say about a society that says
God is dead and Elvis is alive?"
=========================================================================
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-- Ben Franklin
===============================================================================
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own
home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in
that particular field."
===============================================================================
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe,
"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane
===============================================================================
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
===============================================================================
For economists, the real world is often a special case.
===============================================================================
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
===============================================================================
A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted
===============================================================================
An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.
===============================================================================
You know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks,
'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one
big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the
only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers
-- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
===============================================================================
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
===============================================================================
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
===============================================================================
The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
-- Sean O'Casey
===============================================================================
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
===============================================================================
--
Administrative note:
Bush's oil company laded quote is from a paper called the
"People's Weekly World"
From: jsnyder@june.cs.washington.edu.UUCP (206)
Subject: Drop kick me
Date: 24 May 88 20:12:07 GMT
A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he
saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip.
That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find
his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of
a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"
Startled, the burglar snarls back "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna
get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma.
Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"
Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it
a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and
starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman
waiting at the top. Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!"
--
From: shankar@hpclscu.HP.COM (Shankar Unni)
Subject: Balls to your partner
Date: 7 Jun 88 20:32:53 GMT
An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on
the deck of a ship watching war exercises (OK, OK, so this is an *old* one..).
The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts,
"Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!".
Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: "Oh YEAH?".
The Russian says, "Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing
Atlantic) and swim around the ship!"
Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns
around and says: "See, there's an example of courage!"
The American *has* to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives
him the order:
"Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship
seven times!"
Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The
American General says: "Now top *that* for courage!"
So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around
watching these antics silently. They ask him: "What about *your* people?".
So the British guy calls up one of his people and says: "Trevor, jump off the
mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?"
Trevor stares at his general.
"Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast."
"Yes."
"And swim under the keel"
"Yes."
"You must be daft!"
And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off. Whereupon the British
General turns to the other two and says,
"Now *there*'s an example of TRUE courage!"
--
From: neighorn@qiclab.UUCP (Steve Neighorn)
Subject: Thank Heavens for Schools
Date: 14 Jun 88 21:03:42 GMT
[Yet another compendium]
And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these
compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers,
and teachers:
"This paper needs a few comas."
"When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a
urinal."
"We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee."
"You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal."
"It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from
nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage."
"At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last
year."
"Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife,
an exotic U-shaped structure."
"LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed."
"Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy
Baker, a chicken."
"Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping
cranes in his chest."
"Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection."
"Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying
the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests."
"Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will
have an appointment with the orinthologist."
"Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week,
as she had a case of the fool."
--
From: bgwolfe@ut-emx.UUCP (Michael Wolfe)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Deathbed humour
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:04 GMT
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children,
grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed
at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old
man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the
waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the
old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I
smell your grandmother's strudel."
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel
now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after
this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man
begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious
strudel?" the old man plaintively queries?
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
--
From: msb@sq.com.UUCP (Mark Brader)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Quality Control
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:08 GMT
>From an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail:
Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada Ltd.
of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want
1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed
them separately."
--
From: ijd@otter.hple.hp.com (Ian Dickinson)
Subject: What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday?
Date: 25 Jun 88 01:22:29 GMT
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and
generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his
table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol
is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do _you_ know Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you
are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is
evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his
voice and says to the barman ".. and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that bl**dy Nun again is it?"
--
From: eacj@batcomputer.UUCP (Julian Vrieslander)
Subject: A parable for graduate students
Date: 25 Jun 88 01:22:57 GMT
SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting
outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
FOX: "What are you working on?"
RABBIT: "My thesis."
FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?"
RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(incredulous pause)
FOX: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
RABBIT: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few
minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes
typing.
Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking
rabbit.
WOLF: "What's that you're writing?"
RABBIT: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
(loud guffaws)
WOLF: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
RABBIT: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of
fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other
side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.
(The End)
MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
It doesn't matter what you use for data.
What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.
--
From: hack@bellboy.UUCP (Greg Hackney)
Subject: U2 the rocket dog
Date: 25 Jun 88 01:22:59 GMT
A true story...
There is this very large lovable dog who is named "U2"
because he is always flying over the fence like a rocket.
A lady was showing a couple around her garage sale,
when U2 jumps over the fence and wanders into the garage.
The lady suddenly screams, "U2, Get the hell out of here!!!",
and was surprised to see the 2 shoppers running away.
--
From: ludo@squawk.sq.com.UUCP
Subject: Airplanes
Date: 29 Jun 88 21:45:25 GMT
> From Shelley Berman's hilarious book :
"Up in the Air"
-------------------------
Q. When is it much better to be a women than a men ?
A. When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulences.
--
From: fritz@csvax.caltech.edu.UUCP (fritz nordby)
Subject: human oscillators
Date: 29 Jun 88 21:45:27 GMT
My favourite two campus practical jokes:
1. Arrange the light switches in a lavatory and an adjacent room so that
flipping one switch also flips the other. Consider the resultant scene
(visible from the outside just by watching the windows): the room's resident
retires for the evening, turning off his (or her) light. Some time later,
someone else decides to use the head, and turns on the light. After a few
minutes, the resident awakes, decides that someone is pulling a fast one,
and turns the light off ... on the guy (or girl) who is by now seated on
the throne! If it works correctly, the two unfortunates end up standing
at their respective light switches, with the lights oscillating rapidly
(by which time the perpetrators are rolling on the ground outside laughing
their heads off).
2. This prank happened a number of years ago. Two guys had been pulling
practical jokes on each other for quite a while. Finally, one of them got
a pair of rather large (and LOUD) firecrackers, and wired them to light
bulb bases with nichrome wire such that applying power would set off the
firecrackers. One of the devices was installed in the victim's room, the
other in the perpetrator's.
That evening, the victim returned to his room, and turned on the light.
There was a short delay as the fuse burned, and during that delay the victim
(quite naturally) turned to see what was wrong with the light -- BLAM! Well,
the victim was (quite naturally) upset and flustered and resolved to do some-
thing appropriately horrendous to the perpetrator's room. He went over to
the perpetrator's room, his own counter-prank in hand, went in, and turned
on the light. When nothing happened, his reflexes again betrayed him: he
looked up at the light -- BLAM!
Apparently, the victim never bothered to counter-stack the perpetrator.
--
From: mikep@ism780c.isc.com.UUCP (Michael A. Petonic)
Subject: Newlywed Game Show
Date: 29 Jun 88 21:45:29 GMT
[ Newlywed Game again. This is a rare example of a followup joke. I
normally reject all followup jokes, unless they surpass the original. In
this case it might be true. ]
There was this couple and the man was asked where was the wierdest
place they ever made "whoopie". And with confidence, the woman
responds: "Got to be in the butt, Bob."
And another section... I think it was on the Pyramid game or something
and the word to get was "bread" and so the cluegiver says "Dough"
and the black man answered "knob."
--
From: tneff@dasys1.UUCP (Tom Neff)
Subject: Some original LBJs
Date: 30 Jun 88 20:44:32 GMT
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: <smash the lightbulb>
=============
OK, try again.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five. Two to argue over whether the buddha nature already resides
in the empty socket, one to light a candle instead, and two to
shovel out the outhouses.
=============
On a related topic:
Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: How many do you think it takes?
--
From: rumm@latcs1.oz.au.UUCP (LYNDON BRETT RUMM)
Subject: Sure plays a mean pinball
Date: 30 Jun 88 20:44:35 GMT
What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
- Cancer.
--
From: commgrp@silver.bacs.indiana.edu
Subject: Televangenists
Date: 30 Jun 88 20:55:01 GMT
Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim Bakker:
Swaggart: "I have a theological question; can a prostitute be saved?
Bakker: "Yes."
Swaggart: "Would you save me one for Saturday night?"
--
Frank
reid@gold.bacs.indiana.edu
"InDiana - where Prince Charles spent his honeymoon."
--
From: wendell@ihlpa.UUCP
Subject: Reagan's tractor
Date: 28 Jun 88 19:28:27 GMT
Did you here about the new tractor Reagan designed for farmers?
It has no seat or steering wheel.
It's meant for the farmer that lost his ass and doesn't know
which direction he's going.
---
From: gazit@ganelon.usc.edu.UUCP (Salit)
Subject: Virgin Joke
Date: 27 Jun 88 19:17:28 GMT
A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin.
Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.
The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an
another way that will cost only $50.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, payed the money,
and the doctor "worked" on her for several minutes.
After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told
him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there.
And she asked him how he did it.
"I tied your pubic hair" he answered.
--
From: suhre@trwrb.UUCP (Maurice E. Suhre)
Subject: Brown Cow, White Cow
Date: 27 Jun 88 19:17:31 GMT
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he
wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull
and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch
and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was
talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy. "Yes",
replied his father.
"The bull just fucked the brown cow".
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said
"Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use
language like that in front of company. You should say
'The bull *surprised* the brown cow'. Now go and watch
and tell me when the bull *surprises* the white cow".
The father went back inside the house. After a while the
boy came in and said "Hey, Daddy".
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"
--
From: hdunne@amethyst.ma.arizona.edu (|-|ugh)
Subject: Law and Order
Date: 27 Jun 88 19:17:58 GMT
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
--
From: bgwolfe@ut-emx.UUCP (Michael Wolfe)
Subject: Deathbed humour
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:04 GMT
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children,
grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed
at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old
man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the
waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the
old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I
smell your grandmother's strudel."
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel
now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after
this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man
begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious
strudel?" the old man plaintively queries?
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
--
From: msb@sq.com.UUCP (Mark Brader)
Subject: Quality Control
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:08 GMT
>From an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail:
Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada Ltd.
of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want
1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed
them separately."
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22)
From: knurlin@trwspf.UUCP (Scott Karlin)
Subject: Dictionary quiz
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:07:10 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Did you know that the word "gullible" is not in the most dictionaries?
-- Scott Karlin
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22)
From: kriz@skat.usc.edu (Dennis Kriz)
Subject: Glasnost and nothing but
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, original, chuckle
Date: 5 Jul 88 18:08:22 GMT
Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Yup they're gonna open some 300 Pizza huts back in the ole USSR. I can just
see the promotion campaigns:
With each pizza get a free glass from our "Heroes of the Revolution"
collection. Collect the RIGHT set...
dennis
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22)
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: Something to think about
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, true, smirk
Date: 9 Jul 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if
they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent
responded that they did.
Henry Cate III
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22)
From: jbh@mibte.UUCP (James Harvey)
Subject: Driver Gets a Stiff Fine
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, funny, true
Date: 9 Jul 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: Michigan Bell Telephone Company
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
> From the Detroit News, June 8, 1988
Dateline: Santa Ana, California.
A man was fined $58 after failing to persuade a judge that the
four frozen corpses in his van qualified him for life in the fast
lane.
Robert Hanshew, 25, of Westminster, who transports cadavers for a
mortuary service, was stopped March 21 for using a freeway car
pool lane reserved for vehicles carrying two people or more.
--
Jim Harvey
Michigan Bell Telephone
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22)
From: hoffman@pitt.UUCP (Bob Hoffman)
Subject: Grave matter
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 10 Jul 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Univ. of Pittsburgh Computer Science
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
This is a joke told by Dave Allen on one of his
shows (British program 'Dave Allen at Large').
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a
graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides
to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too,
falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the
mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there
and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.
The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder
and tells him, "You'll never get out!".
He did.
--------
Dave Allen is an excellent storyteller and a very inventive
comedian. I'm afraid that just reading it here doesn't do justice
to it.
--
Bob Hoffman
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22)
From: mullen@b.gp.cs.cmu.edu (John Mullen)
Subject: Stolen record
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 10 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT
Organization: Carnegie-Mellon University, CS/RI
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of
his favorite song. After he located it, he realized that he forgot his
wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get
a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants. Well,
as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me,
but is that a record in your pants?" To this he responded, "It may not be
a record, but I'm mighty proud of it."
Yea, I know it didn't really happen, but I felt like telling my joke in this
manner :-).
mullen@b.gp.cs.cmu.edu
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
Received: by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22)
From: kiribanda@math.colombo.edu
Subject: ducky..
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, heard it, funny
Date: 11 Jul 88 03:30:02 GMT
Organization: The Colombo University, Sri Lanka
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
(And now... the saga continues...)
A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting
he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled
over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had
happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck
belongs too me!"
The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therfore it belongs to me!"
The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They
continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After awhile the
farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way."
The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?"
The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick
me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up.
The one who wins gets the duck."
The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees
to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in
the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the
ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes of this, the city boy stands
up shakily and croaks, "Its my turn now."
The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: brunette@newton.Berkeley.EDU (Harold Lynn Brunette)
Subject: Furrier and furrier
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, funny, heard it
Date: 11 Jul 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: University of California, Berkeley
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Here's one I wish I'd written:
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the
owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely
gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the
furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers,
"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You
may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!
There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the
most wonderful weekend of my life!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hal Brunette
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: CaptainDave@cup.portal.com
Subject: Armor Potted Beef Product
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, smirk
Date: 12 Jul 88 03:30:02 GMT
Organization: The Portal System (TM)
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Ever wonder where baby oil comes from???
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: bob@sarad.cs.su.oz.au.UUCP
Subject: open the gates
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 13 Jul 88 03:30:03 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze
met on the eve of the recent super-power summit.
"What can we do to impress the Americans?" Gorbachev asked
Shevardnadze.
Replied the foreign secretary: "Well, we could open the gates of
the Soviet Union for 24 hours."
"Don't be crazy," Gorbachev replied. "Everybody would go and
it would leave only the two of us sitting here."
"Speak for yourself," shot back Shevardnadze.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: andrew@cit5.oz.au.UUCP (Andrew Moore)
Subject: Itty Bitty Machines
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 14 Jul 88 03:30:06 GMT
Organization: Chisholm Institute of Technology, Melb, Australia
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend
a weekend in the forest, hunting bear.
They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took
their backpacks off and put them inside.
At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst:
"You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat
outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long.
Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got
nearer - and suddenly there was the salesman, running
across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the
largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had
ever seen.
"Open the door! shouted the salesman.
The analyst opened the door.
The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and
stepped aside.
The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the
door and disappeared inside.
The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked
at the analyst, and said:
"Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another."
- - -
andrew@cit5.oz (...oz.au) Andrew Moore.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: werner@carl.ma.utexas.edu.UUCP (Werner R. Uhrig)
Subject: You're never a loan with a Rolls
Keywords: heard it, funny
Date: 12 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired
about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs.
"What security can you offer?" the banker asked.
"My Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said. "I will be away
for a few weeks. Here are the keys."
A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan,
1017 francs with interest.
"Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but why a one-thousand
franc loan for a man of your obvious means?"
"Very simple," he replied. "Where else can you store a Rolls for
a month for seventeen francs?"
(these jokes stolen, guess where ...:-)
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: kgdykes@watmath.UUCP (Ken Dykes)
Subject: puppy joke, sligtly off colour
Keywords: gross, sexual, smirk
Date: 13 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
What's the difference between a toy poodle humping your leg and
a Pit Bull humping your leg?
...The Pit Bull gets to finish!
-ken
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: andrew@damask.UUCP (Derek Andrew)
Subject: Astrology in the White House
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 17 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
"The report that important decisions in the White House were
based on astrological advice is most disturbing. The results
could undermine faith in astrology."
Letter to the Editor
New York Times
15 May 1988
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: NAHAJ@miriam.utah.edu.UUCP (John Halleck, Postmaster)
Subject: Telling an Optimist from a Pessimist [Again]
Keywords: smirk
Date: 18 Jul 88 03:30:04 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
As told by Peter Ludwig of Austria at the National Cave Rescue Commission
Cave Rescue Training Seminar:
How do you tell an Optimist from a Pessimist?
An optimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 marks.
A pessimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 rubles.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: ncoverby@ndsuvax.UUCP (Glen Overby)
Subject: The Collapse of Usenet
Keywords: maybe
Date: 20 Jul 88 15:30:02 GMT
Organization: Silo Tech Fargo, ND
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
[ This one is interesting because many of the things listed have already
taken place. -ed ]
For years people have been predicting that Usenet will collapse. Like
the ancient Roman civilization, there will be indicators of this impending
collapse, when it nears. These will include:
Somebody other than Henry Spencer will post from utzoo.
Utzoo will be upgraded in cpu and/or operating system (from an 11/44 runn
version 7)
Seizmo will cease to exist, cutting off the east coast.
Decwrl's Usenet readership data will expire, because nobody there reads
news anymore.
The line eater will re-appear.
(note: it has appeared on Bitnet, but looks a lot like the 'last card in
the reader' problem)
Bitnet will stop truncating files at 80 characters, eliding trailing
blanks and translating ASCII to funky characters.
Ihnp4 will become reliable.
Eugene Myia will start saying "Don't send me mail -- follow up!"
Bob Webber will do something GOOD for the network.
The Brahms Gang will do something GOOD for the network.
Eric Mading will core dump.
Talk.Bizarre will drop from the volume ratings.
The alt.* subnet will be absorbed into the main network with no protests
>From either parties.
Mailing lists on Bitnet and the Internet will cease to exist, being
replaced with a news-like interface thus doing away with the random
"Please add me to your list" postings.
Gene Spafford will stop posting his monthly group lists.
There will be NO April Fools pranks pulled.
--
Glen Overby
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
id AA04088; Mon, 11 Jul 88 16:06:21 CDT
From: okunewck@gondor.UUCP (Phil OKunewick)
Subject: When you wish upon a leprechaun...
Keywords: smirk, nasty word
Date: 21 Jul 88 15:30:03 GMT
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
This fella catches a leprechaun.
(I'm sure you all know the standard beginning of leprechaun stories.
We'll skip this part...)
...so finally the leprechaun says, "Aye, ye shall have yar wish."
"When?"
"Tonight, whilst ye are asleep, it shall come ta ye."
That night, he wakes up to a knock on the door. He opens it to
see a burning cross on his front lawn, and 6 white-robed, hooded figures
on his front porch.
The leader, rope in hand, walks up to him and says, "Are yew the
one that wanted tuh be hung lahk a nigger?"
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu.UUCP (Werner Uhrig)
Subject: "Whose side are you on, anyway...."
Keywords: chuckle, topical
Date: 1 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT
( just hot off Werner's wire-service ...)
Mr. Reagan visited Dukakis headquarters yesterday, offering to work for
his election campaign.
"No, Mr. President, I am the Democratic candidate. You probably
meant to ge to the Republican Campaign headquarter.
"Well, now, no, I had gone there first, but they told me to come
over here and help..."
--------------------------------------------
werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dipirro@3d.dec.com (INTJ - Sexual Technologist)
Subject: I hate to be a nonconformist, but enough is enough!
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, racist, rot13, offense=Jews, offense=Poles
Date: 2 Aug 88 09:30:03 GMT
Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation
D: Qvq lbh urne nobhg gur arj oenaq bs gverf - Sverfgrva?
N: Gurl abg bayl fgbc ba n qvzr, gurl cvpx vg hc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guvf Cbyr tbg zneevrq, ohg ur jnf gbb qhzo gb xabj jung gb qb ba uvf
jrqqvat avtug.
"Sbe Tbq'f fnxr, Fgna," fnvq uvf oevqr, "lbh gnxr gung guvat lbh cynl
jvgu naq lbh chg vg jurer V crr."
Fb ur tbg hc naq guerj uvf objyvat onyy va gur fvax.
Fgrir QvCveeb
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: johnbl@tekig5.TEK.COM (John Blankenagel)
Subject: Fish Story
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 2 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: Tektronix Inc., Beaverton, Or.
A lawyer and an engineer <or some other honest profession member :-) >
were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawer said "I am here because my
house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance
company paid for everything." "That is quite a coincidence", said the
engineer, "I am here because my house and all my belongings were
destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked "how do you start a flood?"
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: davidt@psuhcx (Thomas S. David)
Subject: taking notes...
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 3 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT
Organization: Penn State University Engineering Computer Lab
To all those Freshman note takers out there....here's an example of good
note taking :-)....
***********************
* HOW TO TAKE NOTES *
***********************
WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS: YOU WRITE:
"Probably the greatest quality
of the poetry of John Milton, who
was born in 1608, is the combination
of beauty and power. Few have John Milton--born 1608
excelled him in the use of the
English language, or for that
matter, in lucidity of verse form,
'Paradise Lost' being said to be
the greatest single poem ever
written."
"When Lafayette first came to
this country, he discovered
America. The Americans needed his Lafayette discovered America
help if their cause was to survive,
and this he promptly supplied them."
"Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now face
doubt the complete advantageousness the United States are directly
of some of Roosevelt's policies" traceable to the bungling and greed
of President Roosevelt.
"...it is possible that we do Professor Mitchell is a communist
not understand the Russian
viewpoint..."
"The puissance of hydrochloric
acid is incontestable; however, Hydrochloric acid eats the hell
the corrosive residue is out of steel
inharmonious with metallic
persistance."
E-mail
dst@psuecl
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dab@whuts.UUCP
Subject: Joke heard at a comedy club
Keywords: sexual, smirk, slightly sexist
Date: 8 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT
Why are women like snow flakes??
They are all beautiful
They are all different
They can all be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face......
Dave B.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: funny@looking.UUCP (Funny Guy)
Subject: Rec.Humor.Funny 1 year old today
Keywords: administrivia
Date: 8 Aug 88 03:32:44 GMT
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
Today marks the first birthday of rec.humor.funny. Thanks to all my
submitters for a funny year, and thanks to the readers, too.
(Please don't mail to thank me, the 700 Poll responses were enough.)
My only disappointment is that the group still shows only 85% propagation
on the net surveys. If your site doesn't get the group yet ...
then how the hell are you reading this? But seriously, since this group
does have one of the best volume/readership ratios around, I'm not sure
of the origin of this figure.
Now might be a good time to review the posting regs, but I think I'll wait
until after vacation time is over for a full scale review. Quick reminder:
a) No form feeds
b) ONE joke per submission, with an informative subject
c) Mail rather than post the jokes (It's hard to reply to posted stuff)
d) I reply to every submission, but about 25% of these replies bounce
e) Do not rotate what you send me, it's annoying.
f) Please tell me where you heard it, and tell me if you wrote it.
I am more lenient with original stuff.
g) I believe the U.S.'s founding fathers intended to make a system
where you could get off on technicalities.
h) There is no rule 6.
i) BMW stands for "I'm a frayed not."
j) Gestation is a bitch, and then you're born.
h) Don't send me stuff from rec.humor.
More news later, same bat time, same bat channel.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton Send jokes to {cbosgd,watmath}!looking!funny
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jackm@devvax.Jpl.Nasa.Gov.UUCP (Jack Morrison)
Subject: Another comp.newprod reject?
Keywords: original, chuckle
Date: 9 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, CA.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
| KnowWare, Inc. announces the following word processing products: |
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
PAIR-O-DOCS - A split-screen basic text editor.
LINE-O-TYPE - A complete WYSIWYGLY Desktop Publishing system.
XY-MORON - A scientific document system, extremely easy-to-use.
WORD WAR I - Specialized editor for defense contractors.
LEFT WRITE - A TSR utility that remaps the keyboard for left-handed typists.
MAC-ULET (Univerity Level Editing Tool) - Oriented to thesis writing.
YAYA (Yet Another YACC Alternative) - A first text editor for grammar schools.
LET US 123 - A basic mathematics teaching package.
All products will be shipping shortly. (We thought of the names already;
how long could it take to write them?).
Also announcing a product to be available in the next quarter (century):
LASER TURBO HYPETEX II-PLUS - An object-oriented AI-based 5th-generation
vaporware prototyping environment, including propietary and
patented Integrated Buzzword Manufacturing (IBM).
B.T.W., MAC and YACC are S.E.T. (Somebody Else's Trademarks).
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: md@marvin.UUCP (Mark Dionne)
Subject: joke (offense = India)
Keywords: racist, chuckle, rot13
Date: 9 Aug 88 09:30:04 GMT
Jura Zef. Tunaqv jrag gb Zbfpbj, Xuehfupuri gbbx ure sbe n
gbhe bs gur pvgl va uvf yvzb. Erpnyyvat uvf ivfvg gb Vaqvn,
Ur fgnegrq tvivat ure n uneq gvzr nobhg gur fnavgnel
pbaqvgvbaf gurer.
"Jura V jnf va Qryuv, V fnj uhzna rkperzrag ylvat
rireljurer."
Cbbe Zef. Tunaqv jnf greevoyl rzonenffrq, ohg bayl sbe
n zbzrag, orpnhfr whfg nurnq jnf n zna fvggvat ba uvf
urryf, fuvggvat ba gur fvqr bs gur ebnq. Fur cbvagrq guvf
bhg.
Xuehfupuri jnf yvivq naq qvqa'g urfvgngr: "Qevire, trg
bhg vzzrqvngryl naq fubbg gung zna!"
Gur qevire tbg bhg, jnyxrq hc gb gur zna jvgu uvf tha
qenja, fcbxr oevrsyl, naq gura erghearq gb gur pne.
"Fve, V pna'g fubbg gung zna, ur'f gur Vaqvna nzonffnqbe."
(Gbyq gb zr va 1978 ol na rzcyblrr bs VOZ Vaqvn.)
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: chandra@ihuxv.UUCP
Subject: Homeostatic needs of humans
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 9 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT
A finanicial magnate was on his death bed. He was under an Oxygen tent.
At his side stood his loyal subordinate, tears streaming down his face.
"Do not grieve," whispered the expiring tycoon, with considerable effort.
"I want you to know that I appreciate your faithful services to me
over the years. I am leaving you my money, my plane, my estates,
my yacht... everything I have."
"Thank you sir" cried the subordinate.
"You have always been so good to me all these years. If only there
were something I could do for you in these last moments."
There is ... There is." gasped the half-dead man.
"Then tell me what it is," implored the faithful servant, "tell me!"
"Stop pressing your foot so hard on the oxygen li....!" the dying man
managed to utter.
B. Chandramouli
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: gaynor@aramis.rutgers.edu.UUCP (Silver)
Subject: Re: PC Flame from unix-pc.test
Keywords: original, funny
Date: 10 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT
[ I got this as somebody's list of reactions to the rejection note they
were sent on a submission. The rejection reaction was funnier than the
joke. This is parodied on the Roxanne list. ]
(Ok...)
Inflamed: What?!? You didn't think it was funny? Where did you get your sense
of humor, an Acme correspondence course? What do I have to do to get
something funny posted around here? Blow half of the backbone SAs
for my OWN newsgroup, like you?
Bribery: Ok, how about five bucks?
Polite: I wasn't sure if you wanted to handle it, but I wanted to make sure you
had the opportunity.
Defensive: Hey, *I* didn't write it.
Sly: Just testing. You pass.
[Remaining 19 not included because I'm not as funny as Cyrano/Martin.]
No? I know, I know, "Keep trying.".
Regards, [Ag] gaynor@rutgers.edu
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton)
Subject: Dave Letterman's comment on the Night Game at Wrigley Field
Keywords: chuckle, sexual, topical
Date: 10 Aug 88 06:11:05 GMT
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
The first planned night game at Wrigley field in Chicago was called
because of rain. Says David Letterman, "I seem to recall the first time
I tried it with the lights on, it was pretty much of a washout as well."
--
Brad Templeton, Looking Glass Software Ltd. -- Waterloo, Ontario 519/884-7473
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: saltis@latcs1.oz.au.UUCP (sotirios saltis)
Subject: A little child shall lead them
Keywords: sexual, dirty words, smirk
Date: 10 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT
Organization: Comp Sci, La Trobe Uni, Australia
Little Willie had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything.
One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher.
The teacher said. "Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie
a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose."
Willie's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers
with the other children, and she said, "Willie, I want you
to remain after class." When the others had left the
classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could
say a word, he said, " Dont say it, Miss B; I know what you're
going to say, but you're a liar!"
"Willie!" the startled teacher said." What are you talking about?"
"Your a fake!" Willie continued."How can I believe anything
you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen
your bush and it's pitch black!"
Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, "Willie that isn't
true."
"I'll bet a dollar it is !" Willie challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson."Make
it five dollars and you have a bet," she said.
"You're on!" Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone
could come into the room, Miss B. dropped her panties, spread her
legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the
hair on top of her head.
Willie hung his head. "You win," he said, handing her the fiver.
Miss. B couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to
call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines,"
she said, "I think we've finally taught him his lesson."
"The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet
me ten dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over."
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: proett@wilbur.nas.nasa.gov.UUCP (Tom Proett)
Subject: FAA saves the day
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 11 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT
This from Air & Space/Smithsonian magazine:
The three-letter airport identifier for Sioux City, Iowa,
under attack by state officials, will be changed. The Federal
Aviation Administration has agreed that SUX is an unacceptable
abbreviation for the facility.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: regisc@tekgvs.GVS.TEK.COM.UUCP (Regis J. Crinon)
Subject: Baby Boom.
Keywords: smirk
Date: 12 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT
Q: Do you know what a test tube baby's worst nightmare is ?
A: Ella Fitzgerald and Memorex.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: grant@looking.UUCP (Grant Robinson)
Subject: Shotgun Weddings
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 12 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
>From an article in the Globe & Mail, Jul 26, written by Bryan Johnson, in
Pakistan:
First he tells of a pilot who spotted tracer bullets as he approached
a runway in Norhtern Pakistan. So the pilot swung around and approached
the runway from the other end only to find bullets winging by there too.
So he tried to land on a road and cracked up.
From whence came the bullets? Afghan rebels? Terrorists? No,
just "one hell of a wedding party." In the Peshawar region, wedding
guests can rent an AK-47 for a day for $2 or the use of a water buffalo.
With tragic results. In one case, "jubilant" cousins accidentily
"blasted away" the bridegroom's father. The wedding was postponed for 40
days of mourning, then again celebrated amid "ecstatic volleys of flying
lead."
In another wedding in the region, shots from a wedding severed
high tension electrical wires, the falling wires electrocuted 8 guests and
set parts of the village on fire. As well there have been sevearl injuries
to people not even attending the weddings who happen into the path of a
stray bullet.
Although authorities have promised to crack down, little success is
expected. In the words of a city councillor, "If I do not use my gun when
invited to a wedding, I will be considered a mouse, not a man."
Rambo would be proud.
P.S. along a similar note, although Rambo III has not been pulling in the
North American box office receipts the producers would have liked, they
are reportedly not worried because Rambo movies pull 80% of their gross
>from foreign receipts.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: csg@pyramid.pyramid.com.UUCP (Carl S. Gutekunst)
Subject: It depends on how many flats they brought with them
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 15 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT
A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving
in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the car rolls
to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate.
The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. "Time to buy a new car!" he announces.
Says the hardware engineer, "Well, first let's try swapping the front and
rear tires, and see if that fixes it."
Replies the software engineer, "Naw, let's just try driving the car again,
and maybe the problem will go away by itself."
[Blame it on laz@pyramid. He told it to me.]
<csg>
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: baulch@thiazi.cs.cornell.edu (Garth Baulch)
Subject: Double negatives
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 23 Aug 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: Cornell Univ. CS Dept, Ithaca NY
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the
fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms
a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "in no language can
a double positive form a negative."
A bored voice from the back of the room responded, "Yeah, yeah...."
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jho@ihlpe.ATT.COM (Yosi Hoshen)
Subject: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a hawk?
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, topical, funny
Date: 24 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories - Naperville, Illinois
A quayle
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: cochran@tc.fluke.COM (Galen Cochran)
Subject: Alien sex
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 24 Aug 88 15:30:02 GMT
Three questions to ask an alien before having sex:
(1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable
to humans?
(2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past
six months?
(3) Which one is your mouth?
Galen.
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: ecl@mtgzy.UUCP
Subject: Booming popularity
Keywords: original, chuckle, topical
Date: 25 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: AT&T, Middletown NJ
I am writing this on the morning following an event of great national
shock. The Republicans have chosen Dan Quayle as the Vice-Presidential
candidate. Quayle is a young man, 41, and part of the interpretation is that
the party wants to appeal to the Baby Boomer generation. This is a colossal
miscalculation in this commentator's opinion. I know. I am from the Baby
Boomer generation myself. (Okay, let's say late in the Baby Boomer generation,
very, very late, okay?) I can tell you most of this generation are people who
are getting along but haven't hit it big. Some of us even ride garbage trucks
or clerk in stores. It's not going to appeal to us to see that had we played
our cards differently we could have been Vice-Presidential candidates by now.
That's more for people maybe twenty years or so older, we tell ourselves. Now
this thing happens and every Baby Boomer has to face the fact that some slob
our age--or in my case somewhat over--is making it big. And there are other
similarities. Quayle's family owned newspapers. My family owned newspapers.
The difference is my family kept ours stacked under the cellar steps; his
family published them, so didn't have to keep them under the steps. In any
case, this is all very sobering news and I hope the Republicans are prepared
for the kind of backlash they will get from us politically-aware Baby Boomers.
Mark R. Leeper
[ What I want to know is, what's Quayle got against Canada?? If he wanted
to dodge the war, we have a perfectly good country up here he could have
visited. Does he have a secret foreign policy agenda we don't know about? ]
--
..
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dbw@crash.cts.com (David B. Whiteman)
Subject: Political song
Keywords: chuckle, topical
Date: 26 Aug 88 03:30:06 GMT
Sing to the song "I'm so Excited":
Chorus: This fall it looks like Bush against Dukakis.
A choice between a preppie and a nerd.
When pitted one on one it could get ruckus.
They both could end up in a tie for third.
Dukakis: I'm Mike Dukakis.
Chorus: Shock us! Just like Millard Filmore.
Dukakis: I'll command you.
Chorus: Hand you, lots of Sominex.
Dukakis: And when I speak:
Chorus: You keep us asleep.
Dukakis: I'm not exciting.
There's just no hiding.
I might even vote for Bush, but I'm undecided.
Chorus: I'm not excited.
I'm not ignited.
I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't support you, not you.
Dukakis: When you go in that booth and pull that lever.
Don't think of who I am, but who I'm not.
I'm not Ed Meese, and I'm not Michael Deaver.
Not Ollie North, Ed Mecham, or James Watt.
I'm not indicted.
Chorus: He's not indicted.
I just took a second look, and I think I like it.
Chorus: I'm all excited.
I'm all ignited.
I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I want you. I want you.
Chorus (Repeat):
1st Chorus: I'm all excited.
2nd Chorus: They caught a new disease.
1st Chorus: I'm all ignited.
2nd Chorus: Elect Dukakis!
1st Chorus: I just took a second look, and I think I like it.
1st Chorus: I'm all excited.
2nd Chorus: This germ is terminal.
1st Chorus: I'm all ignited.
2nd Chorus: Elect Dukakis!
1st Chorus: I just took a second look, and I think I like it.
Written by the Capitol Steps, a singing group composed of Congressional aides.
--
..
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: adbst@cisunx.UUCP (Andrew D. Bowen)
Subject: A new Movie
Keywords: original, smirk, topical
Date: 25 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: Univ. of Pittsburgh, Comp & Info Sys
[Edited]
Perhaps since "The Last Temptation of Christ" attempts to talk about
how the Jews supposedly killed Jesus, it might get more viewers if it
is named, "WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBI?"
[ Or as they said in rec.arts.movies, "Who Framed Roger Ebert?" -- "The
Siskel Kid," of course. ]
--
..
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: sundaram@vx2.GBA.NYU.EDU (An eel called Judy)
Subject: Top ten reasons Ilove New York beaches
Keywords: original, chuckle, topical
Date: 26 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
Switch on emulation = David Letterman
TEN REASONS WHY NEW YORKERS PREFER BEACHES IN NEW YORK STATE.
-------------------------------------------------------------
10) It really feels at home swimming in sewage.
9) You can improve your arithmetic by counting the rats that float
by.
8) Studies have shown that shark repellent is no substitute for high
bacterial levels.
7) The shellfish truly come in interesting shapes and designs.
6) The Iranian revolutionary guards have planted mines only in the
Persian Gulf.
5) The dolphins are so friendly that they wash up on the beach to make
place for you and your kids in the ocean.
4) With these dangerous epidemics in the air, it MUST be safer in the
water.
3) In case of emergencies, medical AIDS are never more than an
arms-length away.
2) Mario Cuomo performs his daily ablutions in the ocean
and the Democrats haven't as yet washed away.
1) Ed Koch swims at Cape Cod.
==================================================================
Switch off emulation = David Letterman
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vijay Sundaram
--
..
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: tut@Sun.COM (Bill "Bill" Tuthill)
Subject: Draft Dodger Rag [for Danforth Quayle]
Keywords: original, maybe, topical
Date: 29 Aug 88 03:30:02 GMT
Draft Dodger Rag
by Phil Ochs [annotated for Danforth Quayle]
Oh I am just a typical American boy [with a filthy rich grandpa]
> from a typical American town [where my daddy runs the newspaper]
I believe in God and Senator Dodd
and keeping old Castro down. [not to mention Daniel Ortega]
And when it came my time to serve
I knew better dead than red, [or is it better red than dead?]
but when I got to my old draft board,
buddy this is what I said. [for I was already in the Nat'l Guard]
Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen [my father made a few calls]
and I always carry a purse;
I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat [friends made some more calls]
and my asthma's getting worse.
Yes think of my career and my sweetheart dear [America needs more lawyers!]
and my poor old invalid aunt;
besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school [Even as a teenager I loved the
and I'm working in a defense plant. military-industrial complex]
I got a dislocated disk & a racked up back [My daddy made me carry the
I'm allergic to flowers and bugs; entire circulation one day]
when the bombshell hits I get epileptic fits
and I'm addicted to a thousand drugs. [the Dukakis campaign knows
I got the weakness woes I can't touch my toes I smoked pot in law school]
I can hardly reach my knees;
and if the enemy came close to me [I've always been allergic
I'd probably start to sneeze. to slanteye communists]
I hate Chou Enlai and I hope he dies, [now I love Deng Xioping]
but one thing you gotta see:
that someone's gotta go over there [why can't the poor go fight?]
and that someone isn't me. [you bet-- my daddy's rich]
So I wish you well, Sarge give 'em hell,
kill me a thousand or so; [torture a few Nicaraguans too]
if you ever get a war without blood and gore
I'll be the first to go. [that's why I support SDI!]
--
..
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: UH2%psuvm.bitnet@rutgers.edu (Lee Sailer 814-898-6268)
Subject: Affection Gap
Keywords: true, chuckle, sexual, topical
Date: 29 Aug 88 15:30:05 GMT
>From the Dukakis campaign---
Dukakis and his wife, Kitty, are frequently quite affectionate in public.
Reporters asked D. if he thought that Bush and his wife would have to
behave more affectionately in response.
Dukakis responded that to his knowledge most democrats preferred double
beds, while most republicans preferred two singles. After a pause he
said , ``Maybe that's why there are more democrats.''
--
..
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: fbaube@note.nsf.gov
Subject: We stand on guard for thee...
Keywords: funny, topical
Date: 30 Aug 88 03:30:03 GMT
Relayed by: Walid
Why did the chicken cross the road?
...to get to the National Guard.
(And, from Jay Leno)
"I was just back in the newsroom there - saw
Pat Robertson and Dan Quayle swapping war stories."
What do Guardsmen actually do ? "You just kind of sit around
waiting for something to happen. If that isn't training for the
vice-presidency - I don't know what is." .. "A lot of people just
feel he's too inexperienced for a do-nothing job."
And, Quayle has two things that Bentsen lacks -
"A blow-drier and a pulse".
-----------------
--
..
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: commgrp@silver.bacs.indiana.edu
Subject: male chauvinist jokes
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, sexist, chuckle, rot13
Date: 30 Aug 88 09:30:05 GMT
Organization: Indiana University CSCI, Bloomington
D: Jul qb jbzra gnxr ybatre guna zra gb ernpu betnfz?
N: Jub pnerf?
--
D: Ubj qb lbh xabj jura vg'f gvzr gb jnfu qvfurf naq pyrna gur ubhfr?
N: Ybbx vafvqr lbhe cnagf; vs lbh unir n cravf, vg'f abg gvzr.
--
Frank
--
..
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: vixie@decwrl.dec.com (Paul Vixie)
Subject: Language barriers
Keywords: smirk, original, true
Date: 30 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: DEC Western Research Lab
(This isn't really a joke, but it's fictional and it's funny. Half-fictional,
anyway. Jordan Hubbard has moved to Germany, and he had this to say in some
recent e-mail from there:)
"... my landlady insists on speaking german to me at every opportunity.
Having 6 year old kids come up to you and say "ggbbdbffbtttllgghhx lldfggbhjk
ffbgglskxksii??" (that's what it sounds like to american ears) is somewhat
humbling. A typical conversation (such as the one I had this morning
at the train station) between myself and Johahn Schmidt (John Smith)
goes something like this:
JS = random german person with sudden need to talk to confused looking
american person sitting on station platform..
CA = Confused American (me)
[ xxx ] = portion of german actually understood by CA
JS: "ggdbffhbbl shdaxjla [ train ] mfflufftagglt [ what] flkiftag?"
CA: (startled) "Huh?"
JS: "flafguhg ylakfoo pwit?"
CA: "Uh. Um. Ich spreche .. um. kein deutch." (I don't speak german)
JS: "fllggaift? Nicht? maflufa gggg pwomp sneerg?"
CA: (more slowly) "Uh. Meine deutch is nicht gut!" (My german is not good!)
JS: "Ah! maflufhag fwafahwafa [american] ggglikahst gnug [german] fggg."
CA: "Yeah. What you said."
JS: "llaflufa gag pwit narg foof! Gewacka wacka!"
CA: "You need change? A light? Directions? Some nuclear waste?" (pulls
change from pocket and gestures at it, in hopes that it is the first).
"Things usually proceed in this fashion until I end up staring at my feet
hoping that god will make this person go away soon. JS generally gets bored
at this point and asks someone else whatever was being asked."
Jordan Hubbard
(via Paul Vixie, reprinted without permission)
--
..
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: alcmist@well.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: Drug test (it's the caffeine I can do without)
Keywords: maybe, scatological
Date: 31 Aug 88 03:30:04 GMT
Tester: "Please step into the bathroom over there, and fill this cup
to the halfway mark".
Testee (thinks):
Hmmm. Only half a cup? What's the matter, don't they like my urine?
--
..
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: adamm@necis.nec.com (Adam Moskowitz)
Subject: Polly want a crack-up?
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 31 Aug 88 15:30:03 GMT
So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his
routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and
they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about
new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches
him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how
the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when
the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squaks "Behing
his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this,
but he doesn't know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he
can't just kill it.
One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a
plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other
end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3
days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot
looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the
ship?"
--
..
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: George Bush: He's "Just Folks"
Keywords: chuckle, topical
Date: 1 Sep 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA
[From the New Republic]
"Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very
strict. They didn't want us to grow up to be
spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets
in the rain, we were punished."
-- Nancy Ellis, George Bush's sister
Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
--
..
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: danny@Ford-wdl1.ARPA (Daniel . Abramovitch)
Subject: Our Pal Dan
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 1 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT
Heard from Jay Leno on the Tonight Show, Monday August 29:
Do you hear that they are even making a movie now about Dan Quayle's
Vietnam War experience. It's called "Full Dinner Jacket".
-- Daniel Abramovitch
--
..
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: schaefer@ogcvax.UUCP (Barton E. Schaefer)
Subject: Republican Prayer
Keywords: original, smirk, topical
Date: 2 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
This one is entirely my fault.
The Republican Prayer
---------------------
Our Gipper, who art in Washington,
Ronald be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done,
In Heaven as it has on Earth.
Give us this day our Contra Aid,
And forget Ollie's trespasses,
As we forgive those you trespassed against us.
And lead us not into Taxation,
But deliver us from the Evil Empire.
For thine are the Deficit, and Star Wars, and George,
Four more years.
Amen!
--
Bart Schaefer
--
..
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dwg@hpqtdla.UUCP (David Grieve)
Subject: Taking the low road
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 2 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.
REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering
material for a documentary about the way of life in the
remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you??
SCOTSMAN: Certainly...
REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?
SCOTSMAN: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round
here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't.
You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built
more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald
the Croftbuilder? No, they don't.
And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
they don't.
But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....
---------------------JOKE 2---------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a Highlander with 4 sheep?
A: A pimp
--
..
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: anonymous@erehwon.UUCP
Subject: Collection of Shuttle Jokes
Keywords: sick, racist, funny, heard it
Date: 5 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
[ This is a collection of the better shuttle jokes, much later. You
may well have heard of these. THere are more, but I'm not posting them.
As usual, do not send any extras to me, and since the submitter asked to
be anonymous, you can't send to him either. ]
S H U T T L E J O K E S
Q: Did you know that Christa McAuliffe was blue eyed?
A: One blew left and one blew right.
Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words?
A: "What's this button do?"
Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words to her husband?
A: "You feed the kids - I'll feed the fish".
Q: What was the Shuttle's last transmission?
A: "I said BUD LITE!".
Q: What does NASA stand for?
A1: Need Another Seven Astronauts
A2: Need Another Shuttle Also
A3: Chicken Kiev
Q: Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?
A: They didn't know it was going to blow up.
Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
A: Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP.
Q: When the next shuttle launches into space, what will the senior
controller say?
A: "72, 73, 74 BOOM! - Just kidding guys!"
Q: What do Playtex tampon users and Christa McAuliffe have in common?
A: They both should have stayed on the pad.
Q: What does a sea lion, the space shuttle and Tylenol have in common?
A: They're all looking for a tight seal.
Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagon?
A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.
Q: Why did the board of education recommended posthumously taking away
McAuliffe's teaching certificate?
A: She set a bad example by blowing up in front of her students.
Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be
a naval officer?
A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they'll
have a rated officer onboard.
Q: What do Christa McAuliffe and Donna Rice have in common.
A: They both went down on the challenger.
Q: Did you hear that they are sending up another teacher on the next
shuttle mission?
A: She's going to be a substitute.
Q: Did you hear that the first civilian on the shuttle is no longer
an English teacher?
A: Now she's history.
--
..
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: okunewck@gondor.cs.psu.edu (Phil OKunewick)
Subject: UNIX made simple
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 5 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
This morning, one of our users told me of something he'd read
about businesses and UNIX. It appears that many businesses are buying
UNIX rather than VMS (thereby annoying DEC) because of it's simplicity
in generating reports and other day-to-day business applications.
He was wondering if we could get this wonderfully simple UNIX, to
replace the complicated and confusing UNIX we currently have.
---Duck
--
..
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: tomc%apple@acad.UUCP (Thomas M. Chavez)
Subject: Languages
Keywords: smirk
Date: 6 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Waitress: Hawaii mister? You must be Hungary?
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long either. Venice lunch ready?
Waitress: I'll Russia table. What'll you Havre? Aix?
Gent: Whatever's ready. But can't Jamaica cook step on the gas?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! But Alaska.
Gent: Don't do me favors. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to
Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus. I hope he'll Kenya! I don't
Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! i don't Carribean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps
business? Be Nice! Matter of fact, I gotta Smolensk for ya!
Waitress: Attu! Don't Diev me that Boulogne! Alamein do! Spain in the neck!
Pay you check and scram, Abyssinia!
Finnish
--
..
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jbowe@pineapple.bbn.com
Subject: Some men are leg men, ass men, breast men, but I prefer to consider a woman as a whole.
Keywords: sexist, rot13, sexual, smirk
Date: 6 Sep 88 09:30:05 GMT
Guerr thlf ner qvfphffvat jbzra. "V yvxr gb jngpu n jbzna'f gvgf orfg,"
gur svefg thl fnlf.
Gur frpbaq fnlf "V yvxr gb ybbx ng n jbzna'f nff." Ur nfxf gur guveq
thl "Jung nobhg lbh?".
"Zr? V cresre gb frr gur gbc bs ure urnq."
-wbua-
--
..
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: robison@m.cs.uiuc.edu (Arch Robison)
Subject: future computing newspaper
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 6 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
Soon available at checkout counters everywhere:
*NATIONAL COMP SCI ENQUIRER*
EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Turing machine with two heads!
STARTLING EVIDENCE: LISP came from Mars?
SHOCKING EXPOSE: Illegal core dumping in Lake Erie!
TRUE STORY: Man inverts singular matrix and lives to tell!
REVELATION: Top scientist discovers New Jersey on Karnaugh map!
OS SCANDAL: Unix and Ms. Dos found in love nest!
PSYCHIC PREDICTS: Fixed points will break again!
CIA SECRET: Proof of P=NP found in UFO!
ANALYSTS PANIC: Prime numbers missing from IEEE floating point?
SOFTWARE REVOLUTION: Marxists scheme classless Smalltalk!
- Arch D. Robison
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: bill@bcsfse.UUCP (Bill Sears)
Subject: 4 Southern Belles
Keywords: swearing, smirk
Date: 7 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon
1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me.
He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond
ring for every finger."
2SB: "My My My"
3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats
all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats."
2SB: "My My My"
4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly
everywhere on this whole blessed earth."
2SB: "My My My"
(Nervous pause)
1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?"
2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school."
(Nervous pause)
3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?"
2SB: "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'"
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: mmoore@saturn.ucsc.edu (Matthew Moore)
Subject: What goes around
Keywords: scatological, funny
Date: 7 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
[ A fellow named Bill Pfieffer, an engineer in Portland, OR, told me these
jokes; Bill is an imigrant from West Germany, and German humor has always
been a little different from ours. ]
In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers decided to have
some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man.
So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot.
The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every
morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong.
After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it
wasn't very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning
to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and
promise to mend their ways.
The cook heard them out, then said "You are going to stop shitting in my
boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee".
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: mary@zaphod.UUCP
Subject: More about the 2nd oldest profession
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 8 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
mary@arthur.uchicago.edu
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: lrh00@uts.amdahl.com (Lynn Robert Holtzman)
Subject: Up up and away
Keywords: funny, topical, sick
Date: 9 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT
The 'BLUE ANGELS' will be appearing at Moffet Field next week, and will
have the Italian Air Force start the show off, to warm up the audience.
Lynn Holtzman
--
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: hobie@sq.sq.com (Hobie Orris)
Subject: computer joke (original)
Keywords: maybe, original
Date: 9 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
New Programmer's Editor for the Amiga
-------------------------------------
Hot on the heels of Apple Computer's release of HyperCard is a new concept
in interactive text editors from Obscure Technologies Inc., named PunchEd.
For those wondering what HyperCard is, it's a new `metaphor' in human-computer
interaction, in which data, be they text, music or pictures, are represented
by a hierarchy of `index cards' which the user can activate or browse through
by using mouse-sensitive gadgets. Obscure Technologies has, as their promo-
tional literature states, contracted (not expanded) on the HyperCard idea in
their new programmer's editor, PunchEd. In PunchEd, the visual metaphor
presented to the user is that of a stack of punched paper cards, just like
those used extensively in the computer industry since the 1950s and with which
the company believes real programmers will feel more comfortable than with
full-screen text editors.
The cards can be viewed on the screen individually, or several can be
viewed spread out simultaneously (a process referred to as `fanning'). Like
HyperCard, PunchEd allows the user to browse, or `riffle', through his or her
`stack' of cards using the mouse. Users must exercise some caution when
riffling, since there is a chance that they could experience a `stack drop',
where the carefully-arranged cards become hopelessly jumbled. This reviewer
somehow managed to perform a stack drop, an operation only slightly less
frustrating than getting a stack overflow. Fortunately, PunchEd provides
a `shuffle' command for getting things back in order again. There is also a
facility whereby a previously entered card can be duplicated with a single
keystroke - quite a time-saver. Other basic editor features, such as entering
text, are also provided. One small problem, however, is that there is no
backspacing capability, so in order to correct your text, you must retype the
offending line onto a new card and remove the old one. Some users will, I'm
sure, appreciate this attention to detail.
The feature of PunchEd that will probably make it a big success in the
eyes of programmers is that command text can be included in the same file as
the source code. Goodbye, Make! With the inclusion of a few simple cards at
the beginning of your file you can specify all the processing control you
need. For example, to compile and link your C program, just include the
following:
//MYPROG JOB NAME=HELLO,CLASS=C
//STEP1 EXEC PGM=CC,PARM=(-S,+L)
//INCLUDE DD DSNAME=INCLUDE/STDIO.H,UNIT=DF0,DISP=SHR
//STEP2 EXEC PGM=LN
//STEPLIB DD DSNAME=C.LIB,UNIT=LIB,DISP=SHR
//* start of program
//*
main()
{
printf("hello, world\n");
}
/*
Hobie Orris
--
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: woody1@ihlpa.UUCP
Subject: Minnesota Bashing
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 12 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT
Minnesota Slogans
1. I came, I thawed, I transferred....
2. Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.
3. If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.
4. Minnesota - where visitors turn blue with envy.
5. Save a Minnesotan - eat a mosquito.
6. One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
7. Minnesota - home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
8. Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world.
9. Minnesota - come fall in love with a loon.
10. Land of many cultures - mostly throat.
11. Where the elite meet sleet.
12. Minnesota: CLOSED FOR GLACIER REPAIRS
13. Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.
14. Minnesota - glove it or leave it.
15. Minnesota - have you jump started your kid today?
16. There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota:
Colder, Older, & Fatter.
17. Many are cold, but few are frozen.
18. Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa!
19. WARNING: You are entering Minnesota,
Please use an alternate route!
20. Minnesota: theater of sneezes.
21. Jack Frost must like Minnesota -
he spends half his life there.
22. Land of 10,000 Petersons.
23. Land of the ski and home of the crazed.
24. Minnesota - home of the Mispi-Mispp-Missispp
(Where the damn river starts!)
25. 10,000 lakes and no sharks!
26. In Minnesota ducks don't fly, people do!
Jeff Janke
AT&T Bell Laboratories
--
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: bgm@zorac.UUCP
Subject: Organ Donation
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 12 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
An 80-year old man read in the paper that someone had saved a life by
signing an organ donor card. The man felt this was a noble thing to
do so he called the organ donor organization to see if he could get
a card. Unfortuneatly, he was told that he was too old to donate his
organs when he died. The lady at the organization did tell him that if
he wanted to give life in another way that he could go to the sperm bank
- they take anyone of any age. Rather pleased, the man went to the
sperm bank. After filling out the obligatory forms, the receptionist
gave him a jar and pointed to a little room and said *You can go in
there to donate, thank you*. So the man went in and closed the door and
in a moment the receptionist heard this loud moaning and groaning. She
felt a little embarrassed for the old man but did nothing. The moaning
and groaning continued for 20 minutes and finally she knocked on the door
and asked if the old man was all right.
The old man came out and said, *I'm really sorry. I tried it with my left
hand, then I tried it with my right hand, then I tried it with both hands,
but I can't get the DAMN LID OFF THE JAR!!!
[Original, the author claims.]
--
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: orr@taux02.UUCP (Orr Michael )
Subject: Old but less common. (OK, I admit, I'm digging here)
Keywords: heard it, racist, chuckle
Date: 13 Sep 88 03:30:05 GMT
Organization: National Semiconductor (IC) Ltd, Israel
A Jew & a Chinaman (sigh...) are traveling on a train together. After a while,
The jew stand up, and gives the chinaman a tremndous slap.
"what are you doing ?" says the stricken chinese.
"That's for Pearl-Harbour" says the jew. "but I am chinese ! the Japanese were
responsible fopr that!" says the chinese. "Japanese, Chinese, - all the same"
they resume their seats. a while passes.
Then the chinese gets up, and kicks mightily the jew. "hey! what's going on ?"
"that's for the Titanic!" says the chinese. "But the titanic was hit by an
Iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Rosenberg, - All the same"
--
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: peter@stca77.stc.oz.au (Peter Jeremy)
Subject: I'm going to be a builder when I grow up
Keywords: swearing, rot13, chuckle
Date: 13 Sep 88 09:30:05 GMT
Organization: Alcatel-STC, Alexandria, AUSTRALIA
Yvggyr Znegva vf sbhe lrnef byq. Bar qnl juvyr ur jnf crfgrevat uvf
zbgure, fur fnvq "Jul qba'g lbh tb npebff gur fgerrg naq jngpu gur
ohvyqref jbex, znlor lbh jvyy yrnea fbzrguvat".
Znegva jnf tbar nobhg gjb ubhef. Jura ur pnzr ubzr, uvf zbgure nfxrq
uvz jung ur unq yrneag. Znegva ercyvrq - "Jryy svefg lbh chg gur
tbqqnza qbbe hc. Gura gur fba bs n ovgpu qbrfa'g svg fb lbh unir gb
gnxr gur pbpx fhpxre qbja. Gura lbh unir gb funir n phag unve bss rnpu
fvqr naq chg gur zbgure shpxre onpx hc."
Znegva'f zbgure fnvq "Jnvg hagvy lbhe sngure trgf ubzr."
Jura Znegva'f sngure tbg ubzr, Znegva'f zhz gbyq uvz gb nfx Znegva jung
ur unq yrneag gbqnl. Jura Znegva gbyq uvz gur jubyr fgbel, qnq fnvq
"Znegva, tb bhgfvqr naq trg zr n fjvgpu." Znegva ercyvrq "Trg shpxrq.
Gungf gur ryrpgevpvna'f wbo."
--
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: mikel@oahu.cs.ucla.edu (Mike Liang)
Subject: Two peanuts were walking down the StrauBe
Keywords: original, chuckle, pun
Date: 13 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: UCLA Computer Science Department
(Here's a stupid chemistry joke I made up in the 8th grade.)
What kind of charge do you get when you mix acid and base
in a chain of electrolytic cells?
A salt and battery.
Mike
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: davidsen@crdos1.UUCP (Wm E. Davidsen)
Subject: Misplaced modifier
Keywords: true, chuckle, sexual
Date: 14 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Heard on PBS last week:
Nearly 600,000 men in the United States get a vasectomy each year.
--
bill davidsen
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: alj@mtunb.UUCP
Subject: Have I got a deal
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 14 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
Satan comes down to visit a famous, utterly ruthless Hollywood producer.
Satan says, "Look, I have a business proposition for you. I can get you
any deal you want, with anybody in the business, on any terms you like."
The producer's eyes light up. "Hmm. . . and what do you want from me?"
Satan smiles. "Your immortal soul."
The producer sits back and ponders, stroking his goatee. "I don't get it.
Where's the catch?"
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: brad@uqcspe.oz.au (Brad Broom)
Subject: COBOL programming anyone?
Keywords: funny, true, original
Date: 15 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Computer Science, Queensland Uni, Australia
Sick of writing C/Pascal/Ada? This is probably enough to make COBOL
programming very attractive:
An ad in Tuesday's Australian, back page, right-hand column:
(copied without permission)
BANKING EXPR NOT NECESSARY
(4)COBOL PROGS.......To 434K++
Low Interest Loans
19 Day Month
With this sort of income, banking experience would soon be obtained.
Brad Broom
brad@uqcspe.oz
PS: Anyone got a good COBOL textbook they'd like to part with?
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: hag@wacsvax.uwa.oz.au (Andy Hall)
Subject: Drunken Wanderings
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 15 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
I had an interesting Saturday night. With a group of friends I went to a
Pub to see a rock band. Usual story, loud music, smoke filled room and copious
amounts of Emu Export. Come closing time me and a mate have had enough so ratherthan go nightclubbing in town we decide to catch a taxi home, but the fleet's in
so a cab is either full of marine's spew or horney sailors. It's a clear night
so we decide to hitch back from Herdsmans Park to my home in Scarborough
( about 8 km ), no problem.
But consider this: would you stop for two six foot, more than slightly
drunk uni students in the wee small hours of the morn'? Funny that, nobody else
did either. But with more than half the distance covered and being bitterly coldwe spied food, sanctuary. So we rocked up to the girlie behind the counter and
asked, ( in a druken slurr ) "Do you do home deliveries? One thin ham &
pineapple pizza with garlic bread to be delivered in Scarborough."
And we got home in time to watch "Barbarella" on tele' too.
Andy H. hag@wacsvax.uwa.oz
[ And if they're not home in 30 minutes, it's free. Most taxis don't offer
that sort of guarantee. ]
--
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: funny@looking.UUCP (Funny Guy)
Subject: The Oneliner file Annual
Keywords: racist, sexist, sexual, chuckle
Date: 16 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
Editors Note:
Here it is folks, the oneliner file. Over the past year, I have
received several short submissions that were mildly funny, but
not quite good enough or topical enough to merit their own posting.
I have collected them all for you, and it's time to flush the
buffer. These vary in quality quite a bit, and are not rated.
Please don't take this as an invitation to send me your own
favourite one liners. There are thousands of these things in
the world, and I don't have time to sift through them except on
an infrequent basis. Remember, one joke per submission.
My advice is to read this file slowly if you can, one joke at a
time. Oneliner jokes are often ruined if read together in
a bunch.
- *********************************************************************
From: watmath!linus!encore!loverso (John LoVerso)
>From Dave Barry's Annual Tax-time article, Jan 17, Boston Sunday Globe:
Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the
convenient toll-free _IRS_Taxpayer_Complaint_Hot_Line_ number,
1-800-AUDITME.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!linus!harvard!src.dec.com!broder (Andrei Broder)
1. A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the
devil. Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies"..
= = = = = = =
From: Kent Paul Dolan <watmath!linus!harvard!xanth.cs.odu.edu!kent>
Heard on National Public Radio:
I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway.
= = = = = = =
From: Paul S. R. Chisholm, {ihnp4,cbosgd,allegra,rutgers}!mtune!lznv!psc
In pioneer Utah, Morman girls tended to marry Young.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!linus!harvard!uw-beaver!tc.fluke.COM!dbb (Throat Warbler Mangrove)
A feature is a bug with seniority.
= = = = = = =
From: P. Ryan<watmath!bellcore!bpa!sjuvax!ryan@rutgers.edu>
"How can you waste beer like that!! Don't you realize there are sober
chilren in Africa!!"
= = = = = = =
From: Stan Reeves <gatech!gt-eedsp!sjreeves%gt-eedsp>
Seen in an article in the Wall Street Journal --
"Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?"
"No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'."
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!uunet!cs.utah.edu!u-pgardi%sunset (Phillip Garding)
Here are more of the ever-popular daffynitions. I have never seen this
particular group before, but I won't swear that they haven't been around.
I don't know the original source; this was mailed to me by a friend.
Apple - Typically a device to seduce men, usually equipped with a
display screen
File - What your secretary does to her nails when the computer is doing
all of the work
Loop - a method of execution no longer in vogue, except in Iran.
MegaHertz - a VERY large car rental company
Real Time - Here and Now, as opposed to Fake time which occurs there and then
Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!aucs!820785gm (Andrew MacLeod)
Have you met the "bud light" couple?
She tastes great, and he's less filling!
= = = = = = =
From: julian@uhccux.uhcc.hawaii.edu (Julian Cowley)
Who was the first computer expert ever?
Eve, because she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!uunet!wyse.wyse.com!mikew (Mike Wexler)
[This article is reprinted from Pedantic Monthly with permission of the editor.
The following laws are assembled from a variety of sources too numerous to
cite. We thought we should say that lest you think we made
them up, assembled them for the first time, or something like that...]
o Faber's Law: If there isn't a law, there will be.
o Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to
do it himself(or doesn't know any better).
o Ross' Law: Never characterize the importance of a statement in
advance.
o Secretary's rule of meetings: The time taken up by a meeting will
always be at least 5 times the time needed by the secretary to do
the job.
= = = = = = =
From: Bryan Hoog <watmath!hppad!hpfcla!hplabs!hplsla!bryanh>
(From a recent Newsweek.)
Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party:
"I feel like a 20-year old! Unfortunately, there aren't any here."
= = = = = = =
From: <watmath!ihnp4!ihlpf!rueb>
Subject: what's the difference between kinky and perverted
Kinky is when you use a feather;
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!nicmad!astroatc!philm (Phil Mason)
What do you call poisoned coffee? - - - Grounds for divorce.
= = = = = = =
From: <watmath!research!ark>
A singles bar is the gadget that keeps the
one-dollar bills from flying out of a cash register drawer.
(I made this one up)
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!ziebmef!martin (Martin Loeffler)
(from a friend, Gonzo Tog (Tells you something))
Guys talking in a bar:
....what's that you say? You've got 5 penises? Don't you have a problem with
underwear?
Na. Fits like a glove.
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!cbterra.MIS.OH.ATT.COM!sbt (sb tobias)
did you hear about the guy who died from snorting saccharine?
yeah, he thought it was diet coke.
= = = = = = =
From: <watmath!att!mtune!poseidon!psrc>
(Overheard between a UNIX(R) system novice and guru:)
"What causes a bus error?"
"Well, it can happen when the driver has a heart attack."
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!watdcsu.waterloo.edu!broehl (Bernie Roehl)
This was heard floating around the late-night parties at the Theatre Ontario
Summer courses last week. Don't know the original source.
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?"
A: "Is there a dog?"
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!uunet!csvax.caltech.edu!oxy!nun.of.the.above (Ilan U. Woll)
Overheard by a person with a cold:
"I have more phlegm in my throat than a Belgian prostitute.
= = = = = = =
From: <watmath!clyde!mtune!att!ihlpl!brandx>
(from Artie Partyfinger - another CA origineted joke)
Q: How can you tell if your roommate's gay?
A: His dick tastes like shit.
= = = = = = =
From: <watmath!clyde!mtune!att!ihlpl!brandx>
OK, here's anther from Partyfinger ...
Do you know why there were only 600 Mexicans at the Battle of the
Alamo?
There were only 2 cars!
= = = = = = =
From: SpIKe <watmath!ecf.toronto.edu!drascic>
Subject: Pope Joke
John Paul 2 is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing his lips
to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark:
"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on the women!"
= = = = = = =
From: watmath!uunet!Sun.COM!wdl1!jtd (Jeffrey T. DeMello)
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
= = = = = = =
From: markh@csd4.milw.wisc.edu (Mark William Hopkins)
Subject: Uncited Buddha Sayings
Good things come to those who gain weight
= = = = = = =
From: tektronix!ogcvax!littlei!vasa1!ajw
"I'm not saying Reagan is senile, but
they now let him pre-board Air Force One."
-- Dennis Miller
Q. What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?
A. Noah's Ark was made of wood; Joan of Arc was Maid of Orleans.
-- anon.
= = = = = = =
From: Phil Regier <watmath!watvlsi!peregier>
Did you hear about the new bird dog bra?
It turns setters into pointers.
Heard on an ancient Tonight Show - by somebody like Phyllis Diller.
--
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: bellt@tramp.UUCP
Subject: Sneak Preview
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 19 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
A couple decide to see a movie. They arrive just before show time and
the theater is quite full. As they walk down the aisle and their eyes
adjust to the dim light, they see only a few empty seats. To one side,
they find a man sprawled across three seats. After a nervous pause,
one of them says to the man:
"Excuse me, there are very few seats left, and we would appreciate
it if you would sit up."
The man, rolling his eyes, replies:
"Eeeryarrrgh ooouwaaaah uuummmpphhhhh"
The couple look at each other, and the word "drunk" is in both of
their minds.
They find the manager.
The manager tries:
"Excuse me, sir, you may only use one seat. Please sit up."
The man waves his arms and replies:
"OOOWOWHHHAHHH EEYAYAAARRRGGHHHHH OOOOOOFFFF!"
The manager assumes his drill sergeant attitude:
"Look buddy, I am the manager here. Where is your seat, anyway?"
The man replies:
"AAAAARRRRGH... the balcony ....OOOOOFFFFF"
--
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: apratt@atari.UUCP (Allan Pratt)
Subject: Bush joke by Bob Hope
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 19 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: Atari (US) Corporation, Sunnyvale, California
There was a "Gala" for George Bush in San Jose yesterday, where the
Governor of California hosted and Bob Hope was one of the speakers. I
heard this quote on the radio (paraphrased then as now):
"George is always prepared, always ready. In fact, He was ready for
Pearl Harbor three months before it happened!"
-- Allan Pratt, Atari Corp.
[ Here's an editor's own contribution! George Bush recently explained
his mistake about Pearl Harbour by stating he was simply practicing for
a job as a U.S. Boxing coach in the Olympics. ]
--
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: anon@ymous
Subject: She didn't take a shower on the boat
Keywords: funny, sick
Date: 20 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood needed?
A good stroke.
--
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: izwr008@discg1.UUCP (john desanto)
Subject: Upcoming Summer Olympics
Keywords: topical, racist, offense=Poles, rot13
Date: 20 Sep 88 09:30:06 GMT
Organization: Defense Industrial Supply Center, Philadelphia, Pa
Guerr nguyrgrf jrer fgnaqvat va yvar jnvgvat gb ragre gur Bylzcvp
Ivyyntr. Gur svefg thl vf pneelvat n qvfphf, naq ur jnyxf hc gb gur
thneq naq fnlf, "Fbivrg Qvfphf Grnz." Gur thneq fnlf cnff. Gur frpbaq thl
vf pneevat n inhygvat cbyr, naq ur jnyxf hc gb gur thneq naq fnlf,
"Rnfg Trezna Cbyr Inhygvat Grnz." Gur thneq fnlf cnff. Gur guveq thl vf
pneelvat n ebyyrq hc punva-yvax srapr ba uvf fubhyqre, ur jnyxf hc gb
gur thneq naq fnlf, "Cbyvfu Srapvat Grnz". "Cnff."
--
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: dhesi@bsu-cs.UUCP (Rahul Dhesi)
Subject: Gurkhas - the Martial Race
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 20 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT
[Edited]
>From article <6907@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU> in soc.culture.indian:
GURKHAS - THE MARTIAL RACE
Now that an accord has been signed between the GNLF of
Subhash ( not the go back to India one :-)) Ghising and the
Government of India, it might be appropriate to recollect
an interesting anecdote regarding these doughty warriors.
In World war II, an English reporter who had heard so much
about the bravery and elan of the Gurkhas visited a camp just
in front of the enemy lines (Germans). During the course of
his reporting, he had occasion to observe a mission being
conducted. The mission was to airdrop a bunch of soldiers behind
enemy lines to conduct some relatively light action. He watched
the commander of the Gurkhas (a British soldier) pitch
the mission and then ask for volunteers. To his surprise,
only about half the Gurkhas volunteered and were sent off.
Throughly disillusioned with the legends of Gurkha bravery,
the reporter went back home. After the war, he happened to
run into a Gurkha who had been there, and asked him why
half the troops had failed to volunteer. It turned
out that none of the squad, both those who volunteered and those
who did not, were aware that they would get a parachute for the drop.
Hence the low turnout.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Mukund Srinivasan Department of Civil Engineering, Johns Hopkins
--
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: rob@perle.UUCP (Rob McDougall)
Subject: alligators
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 21 Sep 88 03:30:04 GMT
A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He
walks over to the bar, and orders a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in
here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!
True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was
standing on the tables, looking very nervous.
"But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt
anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man
continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he
stay?".
"Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to
have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that al-
ligator is tame!"
The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts,
"Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his
fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail.
"Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened
it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth.
The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as
the entire bar crowd gasps. "Raplph! Close your mouth, but DON'T
BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the
head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of
biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph,
open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide
again.
"There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to
try this?"
A girl in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not
to hit me on the head so hard"
--
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: george@symcom.math.uiuc.edu (John George)
Subject: A Math Teacher's Story
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 21 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
Years ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer,
and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories.
He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was
his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of math
at 8:00 in the morning in a large, warm, dimly-lit auditorium. One day,
he came into the auditorium and saw his class even sleepier and less attentive
than usual. He realized that something drastic would have to be done.
Now this classroom was *very* old, and the blackboards, which had been nailed on
to the walls with old black iron nails, had become loose over the years. As
a result, these black nails jutted almost invisibly from the blackboard and
this teacher kept banging his hands on them while erasing the board. He decided
to put them to good use.
With enough of a flourish to guarantee the class's attention, he went to the
front of the room, near one edge of the board. Then, clearing his throat,
he drew a coathook right near one of the protruding nails. He proceeded to
hang his coat and hat on the hook that he had drawn in chalk (really
on the nail, of course). Then he went on to give that day's lecture. He told
us that the entire class had their eyes to the front of the room throughout the
lecture. He didn't know if they'd heard a single word he'd said, but at least
they looked attentive.
At the end of the class, the lecturer would usually leave by a small door near the
blackboards, while the class would leave through the large doors at the back of
the hall. When class was over, he took his coat and hat, erased the coathook,
and left through the small door--and was followed by the entire class, lining up to
go past the blackboard to see how he'd done it.
--John C. George
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: treese@ATHENA.MIT.EDU
Subject: Quayle bashing
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 22 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
>From a _Boston_Globe_ story, 9/3/88 (paraphrased):
A club in New York has designated every Tuesday night until the election
"Quayle Night".
You get in free if your parents call and make your reservation.
- Win
[ I think that I will now call a halt to further jokes on the Quayle theme,
other than any that might be already queued. Time to give the poor guy a
rest. Of course, if something truly funny comes in ...
But seriously, folks, how about some good NEW Dukakis jokes that are clever,
and rely on something more than his height, eyebrows, ethnicity and funny
sounding name?]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: merlyn@rose3.rosemount.com (Brian Westley)
Subject: Sept. 7th
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, topical, chuckle
Date: 22 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT
Organization: Rosemount Inc., Burnsville, MN
Don't be too hard on George Bush; he just confused Pearl Harbor Day
(Dec. 7) with Pearl Arbor Day (Sept. 7th), a day when Americans
traditionally plant oyster beds.
Merlyn LeRoy
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: mlf@genrad.com (Matt Fichtenbaum)
Subject: Now I down't even need to check
Keywords: funny, sexual
Date: 23 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
> From Wisconsin Public Radio comes a weekly program called "What'dya Know"
with Michael Feldman. [It's a great show - sort of like PHC with humor :-)]
Each week's program starts with a summary of the "news." A recent one
included:
XYZ Tobacco has just introduced a smokeless
cigarette. Just the thing to have after safe sex.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: DC@MAZ.MIT.EDU
Subject: Plop plop fizz fizz
Keywords: maybe
Date: 23 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
A modernization of an old poem of unknown (to me) origin:
Here lies the body of Mary Ann Peltzer.
She died while taking an Alka Seltzer.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited 'til it effervesced.
---
Dave Cottingham
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: albert@endor.harvard.edu (David Albert)
Subject: Poor George
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, topical, funny
Date: 23 Sep 88 16:39:27 GMT
Organization: Aiken Computation Lab Harvard, Cambridge, MA
"In other news, the first debate between George Bush and
Michael Dukakis has been scheduled for September 25th. We
are surprised Bush agreed to this date, since we thought
he would want to spend Christmas with his family."
--
David Albert
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: rog@rtech.UUCP (Roger Taranto)
Subject: Vacation Time
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 26 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
-Roger
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: mmt%dretor@zorac.UUCP
Subject: Sun's super RISC machine
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 27 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
>From "The Sun Times" Sept 88:
In CICS (Complex Instruction Computing Set) machines, the microcode
engine requires five to ten clock cycles per instruction; the goal
of RISC machines is to reduce the number of clock cycles per second
to one or less.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: alj@mtunb.UUCP
Subject: People just love Nancy
Keywords: heard it, sexual, offense=Republicans, rot13
Date: 27 Sep 88 09:30:04 GMT
Anapl Erntna vf gur pryroevgl pbagrfgnag ba Cnffjbeq.
Vg'f ure ghea gb thrff gur jbeq.
Ibvpr Bire: Naq gur cnffjbeq vf. . . oynpx qvpx!
Anapl: Hz. . . vf vg n cynpr?
Ure cnegre: Ab.
Anapl: Vf vg n crefba?
Ure cnegare: Ab.
Anapl: Uzz, gura vg zhfg or n guvat. Hz, vf vg fbzrguvat V zvtug jnag gb rng?
Ure cnegare, rknfcrengrq: Jryy, V qhaab, znlor.
Anapl: Vf vg oynpx qvpx?
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: psi@tahoe.unr.edu (Bryan Wolf)
Subject: Preying Mantis Syndrome
Keywords: smirk, sexual
Date: 27 Sep 88 15:30:05 GMT
Organization: University of Nevada Reno
The Preying Mantis Syndrome
Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, don't seem
very good for survival. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
it is a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce and that is the end of his
family tree (not that all insects live in trees, mind you). This suicidal
behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome - and many life forms
are periodically subject to it's wrath. How did the preying mantis become
stuck in such a vicious cycle? This is probably what happened beforehand:
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After some
courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate. The
female mantis, her lust for...lust being satisfied relaxes while the Male raids
the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until the male and
female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the male
establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, Uh, working-late-at-the-office on Thursdays,
and bowling on Fridays. The female tolerates this to a certain extent, then
files for a divorce. After a long battle, she retires to her alimony-paid
home with a lesson well learned: It simplifies matters tremendously to just
eat him when you're done with him.
Well, through the process of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome is
carried up into the highest life forms, even humans. That is why, one week
out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled to bite the
head off the male. The Preying Mantis Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: scott@ubvax.UUCP (Scott Scheiman)
Subject: Age Old Joke?
Keywords: funny
Date: 28 Sep 88 03:30:04 GMT
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's
down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck!
What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her,
trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you
play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great
commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back
to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying
limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29,
and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
"Ribbit!" Scott Scheiman (408) 562-5572 Ungermann-Bass, Inc.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brett@hpsrbkc.UUCP (Brett K. Carver)
Subject: WW II joke
Keywords: swearing, funny
Date: 28 Sep 88 15:30:03 GMT
This comes from a box of my Dad's stuff from World War II. I
transcribed it as accurately as I could from the original yellowed memo
(I fixed a few spelling errors, but left any wording errors as they were).
Brett Carver
Hewlett-Packard
hplabs!hpnmd!brett
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
HEADQUARTERS
LAST U.S. ARMY
APO 001. U.S. ARMY
AG 4110.99 (DEBCA) 20 September 1944
SUBJECT : Indoctrination for Return to U.S.
TO : All Units.
1. In compliance with current policies for rotation of armed forces overseas
it is directed that in order to maintain the high standard of character of the
American Soldier and to prevent any dishonor to reflect on the uniform all
individuals eligible for return to the U.S. under current directives will
undergo an indoctrination course of demilitarisation prior to approval of his
application for return.
2. The following points will be emphasized in the subject indoctrination
course:-
a. In America there is a remarkable number of beautiful girls. These young
ladies have not been liberated and many are gainfully employed as
stenographers, sales girls, beauty operators or welders. Contrary to current
practice they should not be approached with "How much?". A proper greeting is
"Isn't it a lovely day?" or "Have you ever been to Chicago?". Then say "How
much?".
b. A guest in a private home is usually awakened in the morning by a light
tapping on his door, and an invitation to join the host at breakfast. It is
proper to say "I'll be there shortly". DO NOT say "Blow it out your _____".
c. A typical American breakfast consists of such strange foods as cantolopes,
fresh eggs, milk, ham, etc. These are highly palatable and though strange in
appearance are extremely tasty. Butter, made from cream, is often served. If
you wish some butter, you turn to the person nearest it and say quietly "Please
pass the butter". DO NOT say "Threw me the godam grease".
d. Very natural urges are apt to occur when in a crowd. If it is found
necessary to defecate, one does NOT grab a shovel in one hand and paper in the
other and run for the garden. At least 90% of American homes have one room
called the "Bathroom", i.e. a room that, in most cases, contains a bathtub,
wash basin, medicine cabinet, and a toilet. It is the latter that you will use
in this case. (Instructors should make sure that all personnel understand the
operation of toilet, particularly the lever or button arrangement that serves
to prepare the device for reuse).
e. In the event the helmet is retained by the individual, he will refrain from
using it as a chair, wash bowl, foot bath or bathtub. All these devices are
furnished in the average American Home. It is not considered good practice to
squat Indian fashion in a corner in the event all chairs are occupied. The
host usually will provide suitable seats.
f. Belching or passing wind in company is strictly frowned upon. If you
should forget about it, however, and belch in the presence of others, a proper
remark is "Excuse me". DO NOT say "It must be that lousy chew we've been
getting".
g. American dinners, in most cases, consist of several items, each served in a
separate dish. The common practice of mixing various items, such as corn-beef
and pudding, or lima beans and peaches, to make it more palatable will be
refrained from. In time the "Separate Dish" system will become enjoyable.
h. Americans have a strange taste for stimulants. The drinks in common usage
on the Continent, such as underripe wine, alcohol and grapefruit juice, or
gasoline bitters and water (commonly known by the French as "Cognac") are not
usually acceptable in civilian circles. A suitable use for such drinks is for
serving one's landlord in order to break an undesirable lease.
i. The returning soldier is apt to find often that his opinions differ from
those of his civilian associates. One should call upon his reserve etiquette
and correct his acquaintance with such remarks as "I believe you have made a
mistake", or "I am afraid you are in error on that". DO NOT say "Brother,
you're really f----d up". This is considered impolite.
j. Upon leaving a friend's home after a visit, one may find his hat
misplaced. Frequently it has been placed in a closet. One should turn to
one's host and say "I don't seem to have my hat. Could you help me find it?".
DO NOT say "Don't anybody leave this room, some S.O.B. has stolen my hat".
k. In traveling in the U.S., particularly in a strange city, it is often
necessary to spend the night. Hotels are provided for this purpose and almost
anyone can give directions to the hearest hotel. Here, for a small sum, you
can register and be shown to a room where he can sleep for the night. The
present practice of entering the nearest house, throwing the occupants into the
yard and taking over the premises will cease.
l. Whiskey, a common American drink, may be offered to the soldier on social
occasions. It is considered a reflection on the uniform to snatch the bottle
> from the hostess and drain the bottle, cork and all. All individuals are
cautioned to exercise extreme control in these circumstances.
m. In motion picture theaters seats are provided. Helmets are not required.
In is NOT considered good form to whistle every time a female over 8 and under
80 crosses the screen. If vision is impaired by the person in the seat in
front, there are plenty of other seats which can be occupied. DO NOT hit him
across the back of the head and say "Move your head, jerk, I can't see a damn
thing".
n. It is not proper to go around hitting everyone of draft age in civilian
clothes. He might have been released from the service for medical reasons.
Ask for his credentials, and if he can't show any THEN go ahead and slug him.
o. Upon retiring, one will often find a pair of pajamas laid out on the bed.
(Pajamas, it should be explained, are two-piece garments which are donned after
all clothing has been removed.) The soldier, confronted by these garments,
should assume an air of familiarity and not act as though he were not used to
them. A casual remark such as "My, what a delicate shade of blue" will usually
suffice. Under NO circumstances say "How in hell do you expect me to sleep in
a get-up like that?".
p. Natural functions will continue. It may frequently be necessary to
urinate. DO NOT walk behind the nearest tree or automobile you find to
accomplish this. Toilets (see 2d above) are provided in all public buildings
for this purpose.
q. Beer is sometimes served in bottles. A cap remover is usually available,
and it is not good form to open the bottle by the use of one's teeth.
r. Always tip your hat before striking a lady.
s. Air raids and enemy patrols are not encountered in America. Therefore it
is not necessary to wear the helmet in church or at social gatherings, or to
hold the weapon at ready, loaded and cooked, when talking to civilians in the
street.
t. Every American home and all hotels are equipped with bathing facilities.
When it is desired to take a bath, it is not considered good form to find the
nearest pool or stream, strip down, and indulge in a bath. This is
particularly true in heavily populated areas.
u. All individuals returning to the U.S. will make every effort to conform to
the customs and habits of the regions visited, and to make themselves as
inconspicuous as possible. Any actions which reflect upon the honor of the
uniform will be promptly dealt with.
For the Commanding General:
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jans@stammer.GVS.TEK.COM (Jan Steinman)
Subject: Modern Times
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 29 Sep 88 03:30:02 GMT
What's the difference between the 80's and the 50's?
In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like some
condoms," then whispers, "and some cigarettes."
:::::: Jan Steinman
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jester@jessica.stanford.edu (Perry Friedman)
Subject: Mathematician/engineer jokes
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 30 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Stanford University
There are three umpires at a baseball game. One is an engineer, one is
a physicist and one is a mathematician. There is a close play at home
plate and all three umpires call the man out. The manager runs out of the
dugout and asks each umpire why the man was called out.
The physicist says "He's out because I calls 'em as I sees 'em"
The engineer says "He's out because I calls 'em as they are"
And the mathemrtician says "He's out because I called him out"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: Last year's news
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, true, chuckle
Date: 30 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14, 1987:
According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are
3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee
clubbers, and band members.
Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.
Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a
scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's
150th anniversary.
Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or
narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.
A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance
scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.
----------------------------------------------------
Excerpted from the Redwood City Times:
The huge Shell Oil Co. toxic waste trial scheduled to gear up in San Bruno this
fall has produced reams and reams of paper. So many, in fact, that the San
Mateo County Clerk's office has partitioned off a room where two clerks do
nothing but sort and file all those stacks of paper.
They've named their space the "Shell Oil Control Center" and posted a sign
outside: "Life is Shell, and then you die."
----------------------------------------------------
Heard on KABC, a survey was taken at some high school on how the students felt
about contraceptives being advertised on television.
66% were in favor of it.
26% were against it.
8% said that regardless of the commercial, Pres. Reagan should still send aid
to
them.
Henry Cate III
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: rob@idec.stc.co.uk (P.Robinson)
Subject: computer follies
Keywords: funny, original
Date: 2 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: STC Network Systems, Stevenage, UK
[ Recently in comp.misc, users started describing how they had put floppies
through their paces, and yet still found them readable. Some folks decided
the discussion got out of hand, and I enjoyed this one. ]
That reminds me of the time , a few years ago when I left home with my 5"
master floppy in my pocket. Suddenly a gust of wind blew it into the road
where it was run over by a passing millitary parade and it ended up in
a patch of quick-drying cement.
When I retrieved it the cement had set so I took it home to recover as I'd lost
the backup some days previously. I chiselled off the cement from the disc but
then my friend came along and suggested that, as the disc was 'dead', we should
see how much damage it could take.
We nailed it to the ceiling, and hung the cat from it, then used it at a dart-
board, incidentally did you know that if you're a good aim, a dart will exactly fit through the index hole? By now the disc was a little bit grubby so we care-fully opened the black jacket, removed the disc and washed it in boiling water,
making good use of the brillo pads. After drying it with my blowtorch I tried
it in my disc drive.
Nothing happened for a few seconds and then a wisp of smoke slowly rose from theslot. grabbing the disc and stamping out the flames I realised I had placed it in my toaster instead of a drive. I found a 3" drive but unfortunately the discwouldn't fit so I had to cut off the edges until it did. Tentatively I tried toboot and...
Imagine my surprise when it worked! all my files were readable, except for the
ones stored in the bits I cut off to make it fit the drive.
This really happened. I concluded that it only went to show.
Has this happened to anyone else?
[ Don't send me your own attempts. There were many imitations in comp.misc ]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dale@amc-vlsi.UUCP
Subject: Sexist joke. Don't decrypt if you are a feminist. I mean it.
Summary: I really mean it. Don't decrypt this one.
Keywords: sexist, sexist, rot13, chuckle
Date: 13 Oct 88 09:30:06 GMT
Jul ner gurer fb znal ubzrf sbe onggrerq jbzra?
Orpnhfr gurl whfg qba'g shpxvat yvfgra!!
[ Frr, V gbyq lbh, naq lbh qrpelcgrq vg naljnl. Fb lbh xabj jung V
jvyy qb jvgu nal pbzcynvagf. (V unir na rkgen ynetr /qri/ahyy)
Nygubhtu lbh pbhyq nyfb gnxr guvf nf n wbxr nobhg gur vqvbpl bs zra jub
orng jbzra. Lrnu, gung'f gur gvpxrg. ]
--
.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: herlihy@K.GP.CS.CMU.EDU (Maurice Herlihy)
Subject: Quayle
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 13 Oct 88 10:30:03 GMT
>From the New York Times:
Q: What were Dan Quayle's three hardest years?
A: Second grade.
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: richard@gryphon.CTS.COM (Richard Sexton)
Subject: Greek Horses?
Keywords: funny, heard it
Date: 13 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
Ok, did you hear this one:
Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, thwo cars both slightly cross
over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a
fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It's
impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls
the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The laywer offers
the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts,
drinks and hands it back to the laywer, who puts it away.
``Arnt you going to have a drink ?'' the doctor says.
``AFTER the police get here'' replies the lawyer.
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jailbird@ihlpm.UUCP
Subject: Yuppies and Oral Sex
Keywords: maybe, sexual
Date: 14 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
My gal pal told me this one:
Q: What do yuppies call mutual oral sex?
A: Sixty-something.
---
Ron D. Harvey ..!att!ihlpm!jailbird
[ I rejected this one a long time ago, but it has shown up more frequently
so I guess there's more to it than I thought at first. ]
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: richter@milano.UUCP (Charlie Richter)
Subject: Quayle rehabilitation
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 14 Oct 88 10:30:04 GMT
Psychiatrists are now recommending a new therapy, called "Quayle
rehabilitation," for certain disturbed patients. In Quayle rehab,
the patient compares himself to Jack Kennedy and hopes all his
problems go away.
-- Charlie Richter, MCC, Austin, Texas
--
.
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: wanttaja@ssc-vax.UUCP (Ronald J Wanttaja)
Subject: The Pope bites the bit one
Keywords: pun, smirk, sexual
Date: 14 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
Q. What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye shot him...
--
.
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: sethg@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Seth Gordon)
Subject: Yet another campaign joke
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 15 Oct 88 08:30:07 GMT
At the Republican convention, some radicals presented themselves as an
"organization," "Draft Dodgers for Quayle." One of them quipped:
"The GOP nominated a drug dealer and a draft dodger... and
*they* think *we're* caught up in the Sixties?!"
--
.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: tart@reed.UUCP (Stephanie Shelton)
Subject: Opium is the religion of the masses.
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, smirk
Date: 16 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: Reed College, Portland OR
Here's a few I read in some verysmalledition book of Soviet Anecdotes.
An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages.
Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it.
"Thank God," she says.
A man in the seat behind her says "Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest
society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"
"Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is
silent for a moment, then says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought:
What shall we say when Stalin dies?"
The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"
--
.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: johnd@physiol.su.oz.au (John Dodson)
Subject: Amusing ? item for sale
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 17 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: Physiology Dept., Univ. of Sydney, NSW, Australia
I saw this in the For Sale column of our local newspaper...
( some parts have been censored ;-)
Cemetary Plot, No. XXX, C of E Section,
XXXXXXXX Cemetary, $150. Phone XXX XXXX
I wondered if it was used or if the seller had decided not to go after all.
johnd@physiol.su.oz
--
.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dba@ihlpe.UUCP
Subject: Baseball and hot dogs
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 17 Oct 88 08:30:06 GMT
P.S. Heard on David Letterman:
You know, baseball was an exhibition sport in the Olympics this
year. Much as it was in Baltimore.
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: sandell@batcomputer.UUCP (Gregory Sandell)
Subject: [ ethnic ] ventriloquist
Keywords: smirk, heard it, swearing
Date: 17 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
A ventriloquist in a nightclub is telling a series of [ethnic]
jokes. He plays straight man while the little dummy on his knee poses
the riddles and answers questions. After many of these, a doddering
old man gets up from his chair and shouts, "Will you just knock it off!"
Everyone in the room turns to look and the ventriloquist stops. "I'm
just sick and tired of all these idiodic [ethnic] jokes that try to
make [ethnic]s look so stupid! 'How many [ethnics] does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?'... 'There was an Italian, a Jew and an [ethnic]...'
and so on! Well just stop it, because we [ethnics] proud of our
heritage, our contribution to civilization and the great intellects
we have produced!" The club is silent as the old man sits down
angrily. Finally, the ventriloquist, in a conciliatory tone, says,
"Sir, I am really sorry to cause such an offense. I really didn't
intend to hurt anybody's feelings at all. I just want everyone to
have a nice time and enjoy themselves, and the last thing I want
to do is make someone upset. Would you accept my apology?"
The old man gets up suddenly and exclaims, "It's not *you* I'm
talking to, you fool, it's that little bastard on your knee!!"
Greg Sandell
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jss2z@uvacs.cs.virginia.edu (Jeffrey S. Salowe)
Subject: Poor Ben
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 18 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
I heard this joke from a friend, and he attributed it to another friend.
This is purported to be a true quotation.
Prior to the World Championships in Rome, Ben Johnson was asked whether
he would prefer a gold medal or a world record. He said that he would
prefer a gold medal because "no one can ever take it away from me."
Jeff Salowe
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: smv@apollo.COM (Steve Valentine)
Subject: Vollyballocracy
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 18 Oct 88 08:30:07 GMT
>From Dennis Miller's Saturday Night News on Saturday Night Live 10/8/88:
We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
--
.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dale@sp7040.UUCP (Dale Clark)
Subject: First Day in Prison joke.
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, sexual, swearing, rot13
Date: 18 Oct 88 09:30:04 GMT
Organization: Unisys, Salt Lake City, UT
Znex Ubsszna (n jryy xabja jrveq-b va Hgnu) jnf frag gb cevfba naq cynprq
va n pryy jvgu n uhtr, oheyrl thl. Jura yvtugf-bhg bppheerq, gur
ovt thl tbg bhg bs uvf ohax naq fnvq gb Ubsszna,
"Jr'er tbvat gb unir frk! Lbh jnag gb or gur Zbzzvr be gur Qnqqvr?"
N irel greevsvrq Ubsszna ercyvrq,
"Hu, jryy, V thrff V'yy or gur Qnqqvr."
Gura gur oheyrl thl fnvq,
"BX gura, trg qbja urer naq fhpx lbhe Zbzzn'f qvpx!"
--
.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: leonard%iros1.UUCP%mcgill-vision.UUCP@Larry.McRCIM.McGill.EDU (Nicolas Leonard)
Subject: About speed...
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 18 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow,
and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then
says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant.
He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
--
.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: johnl@ima.ISC.COM (John R. Levine)
Subject: Election day follies
Keywords: topical, true
Date: 19 Oct 88 07:20:03 GMT
We had a primary here a few weeks ago. Herbert Connolly, a candidate
for reelection to the Governor's Council (a largely ceremonial body
dating from the 1600s) lost by one vote, to Robert B. ("No relation")
Kennedy, 14,716 to 14,715.
Now it turns out that Connolly was so busy campainging that he
neglected to go and vote for himself. Who says your vote doesn't
count?
Well, I thought it was funny.
Regards,
John Levine, johnl@ima.isc.com
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brd@cornell.UUCP (Bruce Randall Donald)
Subject: Economists
Keywords: smirk
Date: 19 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
A former student of Derrida's told this story while making some point
about narrative:
Two cannibals had just cooked up a missionary, and were having dinner.
The first says to the second, "Hey, what do you think of this
missionary?" The second replies, "Quite tasty; much better than those
porkpies they used to serve us at the London School of Economics."
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: steve@oakhill.UUCP (steve)
Subject: Re: Trains.
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, heard it, chuckle
Date: 20 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: Motorola Inc. Austin, Tx
I heard this one from a dissident that our local Amnesty International
group got out:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Through the center of Czechoslovakia there a train speeding along. In one
compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young
woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.
Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.
It is completely dark.
Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.
When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his
face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.
The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian
soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"
The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd
rather kiss that old hag than me."
The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal the kiss
and I get slapped."
And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the
tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a
Russian soldier."
Steven R Weintraub
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: evan@telly.UUCP (Evan Leibovitch)
Subject: big ben speeding again?
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 20 Oct 88 07:20:03 GMT
Organization: System telly, Brampton, Ontario
TORONTO, Oct 3, 1988 - Ben Johnson was charged today with speeding. His
Ferrari was clocked significantly higher than the 100km/h limit on highway
401 (similar to an interstate, but about 14 lanes wide).
And no, his gasoline has not been tested for illegal additives.
--
Evan Leibovitch
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: DOHC@TUCCVM.BITNET (Bob Roberds)
Subject: The Churchill Wit -The Untold Story
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, laugh, swearing, rot13
Date: 20 Oct 88 09:30:06 GMT
Organization: Triangle Universities Computation Center
Jvafgba Puhepuvyy unf unq n ahzore bs jvggl dhvcf nggevohgrq gb uvz, ohg
gur snpg vf gung va fbzr pnfrf jung ur fnvq naq jung ur vf fhccbfrq gb
unir fnvq ner dhvgr qvssrerag. Urer ner fbzr rknzcyrf bs jung JP ernyyl
hggrerq:
1. Jvafgba Puhepuvyy jnf trggvat n ovg gvcfl ng n ubvgl-gbvgl fbpvny
qvaare jura gur ntvat ubfgrff, Ynql Fbzrguvat-Ulcurangrq, fnvq, "Jvafgba,
lbh'er qehax!" Gb juvpu Puhepuvyy ercyvrq, "V znl or qehax, ohg lbh
ner htyl, fb shpx lbh."
2. Ng n fvzvyne shapgvba, gur ntvat ubfgrff erznexrq, "Jvafgba, vs lbh
jrer zl uhfonaq, V jbhyq chg cbvfba va lbhe pbssrr." Gb juvpu gur ovt
zna ercyvrq, "Fhpx zl qvpx."
3. Gura gurer jnf gur gvzr ng gur Cbgfqnz Pbasrerapr jura Cerfvqrag Gehzna
onetrq vagb Puhepuvyy'f ebbz qrznaqvat gb frr uvz vzzrqvngryl. JP'f
inyrg cebgrfgrq gung gur Cevzr Zvavfgre jnf va gur ongu. "V qba'g pner,"
Gehzna ergbegrq, "trg uvz bhg urer!" Fb Puhepuvyy ohefg vagb gur ebbz,
qevccvat jrg naq fgnex anxrq, naq vagbarq, "Jung ner _lbh_ fgnevat ng, ubzb?"
======================================================================
EBOREG EBOREQF QBUP@GHPPIZ.OVGARG
--
.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: mitchell@tekigm2.TEK.COM (Mitchell Levy)
Subject: Japanese Management
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 20 Oct 88 15:30:05 GMT
Organization: Tektronix Inc., Beaverton, Or.
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one
American, were on their way to an international business conference when
they were kidnaped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, you compaines and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed
the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last
requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my contry and protest this barbaric act by
singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing
"The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the
lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is YOUR last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to
listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: georgem@microso.UUCP (George Moore)
Subject: Dodgers & Nostradamus
Keywords: smirk, original, topical
Date: 20 Oct 88 21:03:46 GMT
Being a Dodgers fan, I realize that I should heed the predictions of
Nostradamus and know that the A's will lose to the Dodgers. In the book
"Nostradamus: The Missing Quatrains" is the prediction:
And in the Eighth year of the Incompetent One
The Men of the Smog shall vanquish the Men of the Oak
In a war fought seven battles long
And defeat the Athletic Men strong
And the Men of the Smog shall fight in the West
A fierce war of seven battles against the Bay Men
And the sphere shall meet the stick many times
And the unruly northern supporters shall have many fines
And in the final section of the seventh battle
A great earthquake shall have the sphere struck over a wall
And the great Athletic Ones shall not recover the sphere
And Southern Men shall win the series by one run clear
(This is a semi-original work. iccdev!mark originally posted something
similar in talk.rumors back in May about the NBA championships. I made
up some new rhymes for the current World Series. You can post in
anonymously if you wish, but in case someone complains, I *did* mention
this is not a 100% original work.)
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: baron@uhccux.uhcc.hawaii.edu (Baron Fujimoto)
Subject: They want you, they want you, they want you as a new recruit.
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 21 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
Do you know why the new [ethnic] navy is buying glass-bottom boats for their
new fleet?
So they can see the old [ethnic] navy.
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: shane@chablis.cc.umich.edu (Shane Looker)
Subject: Union TV Ads
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 21 Oct 88 07:20:03 GMT
You know, I realized something last night which I consider great.
All those "Union Yes!" commercials being shown on TV were delayed 5 months
because of the writers strike.
Shane Looker
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
--
.
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: rnelson@watdcsu.UUCP (Randy Nelson)
Subject: New software
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 21 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
---- MEDIOCREWRITER ----
JOES GARAGE INC.
500 Bituminous Ave.
Sleazonia, Ont. 3N7 N5S
1/2-sided, sloppy-sectored, 5 3/8 inch droopy disk. 39 cents.
As you might expect from this program's name and price, it's a
bare-bones, no-frills word processor package. What does 'bare bones'
mean? For one thing, you don't get multiple screens - in fact, you get
no screens at all. Joe, the program's writer, claims that in about six
months an update (19 cents) will be available that'll give the program
video-display capabilities. In the meantime, you'll simply have to
remember what you key in.
Another upgrade will enable you to type upper-case characters and
numbers greater than seven. But don't let these seemingly negative
comments dissuade you from buying the program. In reality, the 39 cent
price makes it good value for the money. You can for, example, use the
disk as a coaster for large beer mugs.
What are the program's good points? It contains a 3-word spelling
correction program called (predictably) MediocreSpeller. If you
misspell the words A, AND, or THE, it causes your computer to shut off
and locks the disk drive head on track 42.
MediocreWriter's documentation is in keeping with the program's other
annoying features. It consists of a barely legible mimeographed sheet
with the following insruction's on it:
* Turn computer on
* Insert disk
* Use program
The program is not copy protected.
Explains Joe: 'Who would want to copy it?' And it takes little memory
space: 323 bytes. It's available for the Lemming/dos operating system
for use on Joe's PC (available from Joe for $9.95).
ASST. SYSOP'S COMMENTS:
In short, MediocreWriter is Joe's latest attempt to write software that
works. It doesn't pretend to be anything other than what it is: the
sleeziest, most limited, bug-ridden word-processing program that exists.
Joe admits, 'it stinks.' In addition to its lack of a video-display
capability, it has a tendency to set computers on fire and trigger
nearby automatic washing machines. It handles 21 lower-case alphabetic
characters and numbers from one to six; punctuation is limited to the
exclamation point.
The program is interactive with Joe's other two packages: Lousycalc, a
1-column, 1-row spreadsheet; and RottenFiler, a database-management
program that accepts one entry. In short, I like it!
DETAILS: List price, 39 cents. Available only for Lemming/DOS on Joe's
PC ($9.95); configured to drive Joe's Smudge-Matrix Printer.
($14.95).
JOE'S GARAGE INC.
500 Bitumious Ave.
Sleazonia, Ont. 3N7 N5S
Phone 911
--
.
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: will@jane.jpl.nasa.gov (Will Deich)
Subject: Wheat, fields of wheat
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 22 Oct 88 07:20:03 GMT
P.S. The Texas Commissioner of Agriculture was quoted on
NPR (or was it in the LA Times?), as saying
``George Bush's idea of a good farm program is "Hee Haw". ''
[ And I'll counter this by noting that Jay Leno asked:
What's all this about a Massachusets Miracle? Did somebody
find a live fish in Boston Harbour? ]
--
.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dmh@sq.sq.com (David Harrison)
Subject: Centre for disease control
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 23 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
--------------------------------------------------------------
A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.
When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes
have had something dreadful happen to them.. "Eeek!" says she.
"Oh, I used to have toe-lio," says he. "You mean polio?" "No,
toe-lio." So they continue.
When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten
with sledge hammers. "Eeek!" says she. "Oh, I used to have the
knee-sles," says he. "You mean measles?" "No, knee-sles". Still
undaunted, they continue.
When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says "Don't tell
me! Small-cocks!"
--
.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: sandyf@tekig5.PEN.TEK.COM (Sandy Frazier)
Subject: I Have Noticed
Keywords: smirk
Date: 24 Oct 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Tektronix Inc., Beaverton, Or.
I Have Noticed
Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as far to
the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for the
bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as
everbody speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the
hips and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces.
And the sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so
much smaller.
Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used
to be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much
older than I am.
I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
that she didn't recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really
now, they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
Sandy Frazier
--
.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: evan@sunrise.COM (Evan Marcus)
Subject: Quayle joke
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, topical, sexual, laugh
Date: 24 Oct 88 07:20:03 GMT
Organization: Sun Microsystems, NY District Office
Q: What did Marilyn Quayle say to her husband immediately after sex?
A: You really are no Jack Kennedy.
--
WHO: Evan L. Marcus
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: fgz@lakart.UUCP (Fred Genoese-Zerbi)
Subject: Amusing true law case
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 24 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
This is a case of law found in a West Law digest. This is an actual
case heard by the Michigan court of appeals (Fisher v. Low, 333 N.W.2d 67)
that was recently shown to me by somebody at school (after a long time
being a software engineer I started evening law school). I thought
it was funny...you be the judge.
Court of Appeals of Michigan
Docket No. 60732
A wayward Chevy struck a tree
whose owner sued defendants three.
He sued car's owner, driver too,
and insurer for what was his due.
For his oak tree that now may bear
a lasting need for tender care.
the Oakland County Circuit court,
John O' Brian, J., set forth
the judgment the defendants sought
and quickly an appeal was brought.
Court of appeals, J.H.Gillis, J.
Gave thought to this and had this to say:
1)There is no liability
since no-fault grants immunity;
2)No jurisdiction can be found
where process service is unsound;
and thus the judgment, as it's termed
is due to be and is
Affirmed.
Reason summaries (Squibbs)
1.
Defendant's Chevy struck a tree-
there was no liability;
the No-Fault Act comes into play
as owner and the driver say.
barred by the act's immunity
no suit in tort will aid the tree.
Although the oak's in disarray
No court can make defendants pay.
2.
No jurisdiction could be found
where process service was unsound;
In personam jurisdiction
was not even legal fiction.
Where plaintiff failed to well comply
with rules of court that did apply.
Summary of appeal court's opinion
J.H. Gillis, Judge
We thought that we would never see
a suit to compensate a tree.
A suit whose claim in tort is prest
upon a mangled tree's behest.
A tree whose battered trunk was prest
against a Chevy's crumpled crest.
A tree that faces each new day
with bark and linb in disarray.
A tree that may forever bear
a lasting need for tender care.
Flora lovers though we three,
we must uphold the court's decree.
Affirmed.
Federico Genoese-Zerbi
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: finton@ai.cs.wisc.edu (David Finton)
Subject: A judge, bishop, and conductor argue: who is the greatest
Keywords: smirk
Date: 25 Oct 88 03:30:03 GMT
(This joke courtesy of orchestral trumpeter Michael Bowman)
A judge, a bishop, and a conductor were having a discussion. All three
were rather vain men, and their talk soon turned to the question of which
of them was the greatest.
"Well," said the judge, "my position is one of dignity and power. When
I walk into the courtroom, the bailiff says 'All rise!' and all the people
stand to pay me honor."
"That's very nice," said the bishop. "People stand in your honor; but
when people have an audience with me they kneel, kiss my ring, and they
address me as 'Your Holiness.'"
The conductor snorted and said, "I think I got you both beat; when I
step onto the podium, as guest conductor, the people look down, put their
hands over their eyes, and say 'Oh, my God!'"
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: granger@cg-atla.UUCP (Pete Granger)
Subject: Golf and Sex Joke
Keywords: heard it, chuckle, sexual
Date: 25 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a
fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so
they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.
"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."
So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00,
and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and
beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if
he'd like to play again the following Saturday.
"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."
The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but
this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're
getting ready to leave, George says:
"See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait
for me."
Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with whichever
hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same
message.
After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he
says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten
minutes late, but you're right on time. And you beat us either
left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"
"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the
morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play
left-handed. And if she's sleeping on her right side, I play
right-handed."
"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.
"Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers.
Pete Granger
--
.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: ciaraldi@rochester.UUCP
Subject: Robin Givens / Mike Tyson Divorce
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 26 Oct 88 07:20:04 GMT
Robin Givens has announced that she is filing for divorce
>From heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson.
Said the actress,
"Our marriage was like a PG-13 movie: Too much violence and not enough sex."
Tyson apparently agrees, as he is filing for an annulment.
-------
Mike Ciaraldi
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: malton@csri.toronto.edu (Andrew Malton)
Subject: Radio Free Warsaw
Keywords: smirk
Date: 26 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: University of Toronto, CSRI
Comrade Popov was taking trips to various cities. From Warsaw
he sent back a postcard: Greeting from Free Warsaw. From Czechoslovakia
on the next trip he wrote: Greeting from Free Prague. He traveled on to
Bulgaria and wrote back: Greetings from Free Sofia; and then to Hungary,
writing a card back: Greetings from Free Budapest. Finally he reached
Vienna and wrote his last card: Greetings from Free Popov.
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brown@mfci.UUCP
Subject: I'm with him
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 13 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: Multiflow Computer Inc., Branford Ct. 06405
-----------------------------------------------------------------
During a recent international sports meet , one of the Scottish
track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and col-
leagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were
used up before it was time to end the festivities.
After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the
Scottish coach departed the party.
Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three
or four people waiting in the queue.
Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fa-
tigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering
several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of
his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk
that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book
and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the
Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.
The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order
at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of
his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same
book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.
By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing.
He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon
being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with
Fidel.
The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.
"Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman.
"Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar." the
clerk replied.
Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up
his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!"
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: djones@megatest.UUCP (Dave Jones)
Subject: Practical Joke Down South
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, true, funny
Date: 12 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: Megatest Corporation, San Jose, Ca
(He wants some jokes and anecdotes. - DJ )
True story:
I used to work for T.I. in Houston. Once a young programmer fellow
>From the Bedford, England came to do some consulting. He was a nice
enough guy, but very stiff and proper. On his last day before returning
to G.B., I took him to lunch at a Luby's Cafeteria. While waiting
in line, I told him that before he left Texas, he simply *must* try
some mepyew.
He said, "What?"
I said, "Mepyew. It is very popular. Everyone here eats it with lunch.
Sort of a Texas tradition. The woman in the serving line will ask you
if you want some."
I give a sly wink or two to various prospective diners who
were overhearing the conversation and looking quizical.
He agreed to order some mepyew.
We approached the first station where the lady was selling jello
deserts and chilled salads.
"Mepyew?", she asked.
"Yes please," he responded.
"Mepyew?"
"Yes."
"Mepyew?" (Now with noticable agitation.)
"Yes! If you Please!"
"Well ahm not a mind reader!"
I laughed a little.
Finally realizing that he had been had, he proceded directly to the
roast beef and mashed potatoes, as any good Englishman would.
I giggled. The people I had winked at giggled. My English friend
busied himself with macaroni and cake.
Back at the office, Shiela and Mike giggled. The Englishman studied
a directory listing.
Someday, I'm going to invent a dish called mepyew. Maybe it will be
a jello and roast beef casserole.
--
.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: BimmerPilot@cup.portal.com
Subject: Talk about service
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, smirk, sexual
Date: 11 Oct 88 15:30:05 GMT
Organization: The Portal System (TM)
A salesmen while on the road went to his motel room tired and beat.
Upon pulling down the sheets and about ready to go to bed after a long
and harrowing day, he noticed a hole in the wall with hair around it
and a little sign saying "Wife away from home".
So he decided to try the mystery hole, stood up on the bed and put is
(you know what into it). He let out a blood curdling scream and yanked
it out, and there it was, with a button sewn on the end of it.
--
.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jester@jessica.stanford.edu (Perry Friedman)
Subject: Offensive to women
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, sexist, smirk, rot13
Date: 11 Oct 88 09:30:05 GMT
Organization: Stanford University
Fgnasbeq jbzra ner erfcbafvoyr sbe gur fhpprff bs znal Fgnasbeq zra:
gur tvir gurz nabgure ernfba gb fgnl va naq fghql rirel avtug.
Jul qb jbzra unir crevbqf?
Orpnhfr gurl qrfreir gurz.
Wbr: V tbg n ceboyrz.
Rq: Jung'f gur znggre?
Wbr: Jbzra. V whfg qba'g haqrefgnaq gurz.
Rq: Qb lbh haqrefgnaq lbhe GI?
Wbr: Ab.
Rq: Fb jung'f gur ceboyrz?!
--
.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: neeman@uicsrd.csrd.uiuc.edu
Subject: Scott Free
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, smirk, ethnic
Date: 11 Oct 88 03:30:03 GMT
Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar,
but if they drink it at home, they only take one,
and if they drink it while visiting, they always take three.
--
.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: migod@csri.toronto.edu (Mike Godfrey)
Subject: Since it's election time...
Keywords: topical, chuckle, ever so mildly sexist
Date: 20 Nov 88 08:20:03 GMT
Q. Are there any historical precedents for the Soviet system of elections?
A. Yes, in the story of the creation. God made Eve, put her in the Garden of
Eden, and said to Adam: "Now choose a woman."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brad@looking.uucp (Brian Glendenning)
Subject: Updated Version of joke recently made famous
Keywords: original (sort of)
Date: 20 Nov 88 01:47:32 GMT
Followup-To: news.misc
A member of an ethnic group reputed to have a stingy reputation and a
member of an ethnic group often stereotyped as having a miserly cunning
went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the table waiting attendant came
by with the inevitable bill. To the amazement of all, the member of the
ethnic group reputed to have a stingy reputation was heard to say,
"I'll pay it," which he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"VENTRILOQUIST FROM ETHNIC GROUP OFTEN STEREOTYPED AS HAVING A
MISERLY CUNNING FOUND SEVERELY CHASTISED IN BLIND ALLEY."
[ If you don't understand why I posted this, check out the flamefest raging
in soc.culture.jewish over the original version of this joke. In that
group, richmond@athena.mit.edu and davidm@ihlpa.ATT.COM are demanding my
removal as moderator because I posted the original version of this joke.
Mr. J. Richmond has even intimated he will take action against me and Looking
Glass Software. Respond to them, not to me. ]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brian@greek.UUCP
Subject: gaggle me with a spoon...
Keywords: chuckle, heard it, mildly sexual
Date: 21 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
Four Oxford professors (dons, whatever...) were taking their evening walk
together and as usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.
On this particular evening, their conversation was about the names given
to groups of animals, such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, and
posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded in
acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the
others nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor remarked
to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of the
four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your thoughts?"
The fourth professor replied, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
--
-Brian Smithson
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: svh@xait.UUCP (Susan Hammond)
Subject: A Quail in my voice
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 21 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
(From: Miriam Lezak)
Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Don't remember how I got through school
I'm sure I didn't break the rules
But what's it matter 'cause my granny says
"Boy, if you want to you can be vice prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"
Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be
Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet
I can win their love for me
Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much about the constitution
Don't know much about th'economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be
Don't know much about the national debt
I've never had to pay one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
George and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be...
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: More soviet jokes
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, funny
Date: 21 Nov 88 16:30:07 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal
Assistance.
Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked
me down and took my Russian watch.
Desk Sergeant: Come again?
Czech: Are you deaf? Out there in the street, a Swiss soldier
knocked me down and took my Russian watch.
Desk Sergeant: You're confused. It was a Russian soldier who
knocked you down and took your Swiss watch.
Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
--
Henry Cate III
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: Submission - Talking to Fish
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 22 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
This was published in The South Texas Fisherman, sometime 1972. I'd
like to take credit for it but the "Bill Kennedy" author is Sr, I'm Jr.
TALKING TO FISH
by Bill Kennedy
A character in one of Shakespeare's plays, boasting of his accomplishments
said "I can call up monsters from the vasty deep." Any fisherman could have
given the answer: "So can I and so can any man, but will they come?" Men
and women have been calling to fish, pleading with them and swearing at them
without response since the beginning of time. A federally supported research
project may change that situation.
Working with the whale family (porpoise or dolphin), scientists in Florida
have set out to translate fish language. They are not far along yet but
have made some headway. Various clicks and whistles have been recorded
that indicate, at least in the whale family, one fish has a way to commun-
icating what is on his mind to another fish. If the research continues as
planned, it should be only a matter of time until man will be able to
reporoduce fish noises and communicate what is on his mind to bass, perch,
and catfish.
All right-minded fishermen agree that fish-talk research projects should
be cancelled and the scientists in it forced to seek other employment.
The reasoning behind this point of view is simple and sound. If the
research continues to its logical conclusion, fishing will cease to be
the pleasant and relaxing sport that it now is. Fishing will become a
business of bellowing speeches in fish language designed to convince fish
that they would be better off on the bank or in the boat than they are in
the water. In such circumstances any fool knows who the men that will
catch all the fish will be. They will be politicians!
--
Bill Kennedy
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: rn10+@andrew.cmu.edu (Ronald J. Notarius)
Subject: Elvis
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, topical, funny
Date: 22 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
Organization: Carnegie Mellon
Sorry guys, but there is now definitive, undeniable proof that Elvis is, indeed,
dead.
He was registered to vote in Chicago.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: fraser@engine.dec.com (Product Acoustics Group*MLO6-2/T13*223-8744)
Subject: Difference between US & UK...
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, smirk
Date: 22 Nov 88 16:30:06 GMT
Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation
UK - 100 miles is a long distance.
US - 100 years is a long time.
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: DATA statements...
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, true, chuckle
Date: 23 Nov 88 06:02:00 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
[ 3 Last minute additions to the R.H.F. 1988 Annual:
The Purity Test
Emily Postnews
A Joke Index.
This weekend is not a Holiday in Canada, BTW, so we'll be around
if you call. -ed ]
--
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I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: leonard%iros1.UUCP (Nicolas Leonard)
Subject: American and Canadian Senate.
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 23 Nov 88 08:20:05 GMT
You know the difference between the American and the
Canadian Senate?
In the US, you have to win an election to get in.
In Canada, you have to lose one.
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton)
Subject: Important Item missing from Book order information
Keywords: administrivia
Date: 23 Nov 88 08:22:38 GMT
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
I left out one very important thing from the ordering information. If
you want to order by mail, make the cheque payable to Looking Glass Software
Limited, or to Brad Templeton. Not to "jokebook" as one person asked!
Also, as I noted in an earlier joke posting, my office is open Thursday &
Friday. Sorry to clog up the group like this. I usually try to keep the
volume nice and low, and based on what I've had to accept recently to keep
it at 60/month, perhaps I should keep it lower. Oh yeah, in the USA, it's
OK if you write a check instead of a cheque. I'll accept either.
--
Brad Templeton, Looking Glass Software Ltd. -- Waterloo, Ontario 519/884-7473
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: rmach@polyslo.calpoly.edu (Roger Mach)
Subject: Three rodents with defective visual perception
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 24 Nov 88 03:30:03 GMT
(sung to the tune of Three Blind Mice)
Three rodents with defective visual perception,
three rodents with defective visual perception.
Visualize how they perambulate,
Visualize how they perambulate.
They all perambulated after the agriculturalist's spouse,
she severed their spinal columns with a kitchen utensil.
Have you ever seen such a spectacle in your existence,
as three rodents with defective visual perception?
--
< Roger Mach > Heard around a campfire a long time ago...
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: suhre@trwrb.UUCP (Maurice E. Suhre)
Subject: Odds and Ends
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, true, chuckle, topical
Date: 24 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
Organization: TRW Space and Defense Sector, Redondo Beach, CA
A local throwaway paper has a column called News of the Weird which
may be syndicated. Excerpting...
George Bush's August message attempting to woo the support of the
National Letter Carriers missed its mark because campaign officials
sent the message by Federal Express, whose deliveries the union refuses
to accept.
--
Maurice Suhre
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: grant@looking.UUCP (Grant Robinson)
Subject: Vaseline salesman
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 24 Nov 88 16:30:05 GMT
A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts
leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the
engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away.
It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real
warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the
oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a
phone.
Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter
are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this
morning," complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife.
"And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the daughter. So the
farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all
taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first
one to speak gets to do the dishes.
The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell.
No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles
into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one
answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to
the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he
can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by
her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while
later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having
sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He
thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another
half-hour. So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer
jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: swordfis@pnet51.cts.com (Tim Mitchell)
Subject: A Modern Idea
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, smirk
Date: 25 Nov 88 03:30:05 GMT
Organization: People-Net [pnet51], Minneapolis, MN.
Guy walks into a restaurant. Orders eggs.
The waitress asks "How would you like those eggs cooked?"
The guy says "Hey, that would be great."
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: sidhu@bnlux0.bnl.gov
Subject: Topical trick
Keywords: smirk, topical
Date: 25 Nov 88 08:20:03 GMT
This week is a perfect opportunity to find out the true age of those individuals
who are always evasive on the point. Just ask them what they were doing when
they heard about president Kennedy's assassination! They will be telling you
long before they realise that you can add 25 to what you can easily surmise
to be their age at the time of the said activity.
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: migod@csri.toronto.edu (Mike Godfrey)
Subject: cleanliness is next to ...
Keywords: smirk
Date: 25 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
A great Soviet general was once asked by his adjutant, "Comrade General,
what is the meaning of Marxist dialectic?"
The general replied, "I will explain it to you with an example. A filthy
man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"
"Of course," replied the adjutant.
"No, you're wrong," said the general. "A filthy man is filthy by his nature,
and will not go in to the bath house. Only clean men, knowing the virtues of
cleanliness, will bathe."
"I understand, comrade general."
"Now, let me give you another example. A filthy man is standing outside
a bath house. Will he go in?"
"Absolutely not," replied the adjutant immediately.
"You're wrong again," said the general. "Why should a filthy man not
enter a bath house? He is dirty, the bath house is there to enable him to
become clean, and he will use it."
"I think I understand, comrade."
"Now, one last example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house.
Will he go in?"
"How the hell should I know?"
"Now, comrade, you truly understand the meaning of Marxist dialectic."
(A very similar joke from Leo Rosten's _The_Joys_Of_Yiddish_ (If you haven't
got a copy of this book, then drop everything and go out and buy a copy--it's
full of jokes, folk sayings and other assorted witticisms.))
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: larry@uts.amdahl.com (Larry Hardiman)
Subject: politics, dirty tricks
Keywords: swearing, true, chuckle
Date: 27 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
(Heard from a friend in New York in about 1970.)
When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress he called
his opponent a "pig fucker."
Lyndon's campaign manager said, "Lyndon, you know he doesn't do that!"
Johnson replied, "I know that, but I want to make him deny it."
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: It's not the meat
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 29 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
(This might be an oldie, but I got a grin out of it when I remembered it.)
A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him.
Each time he'd look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.
"I'm sorry sir, let me buy you a drink."
He accepted and accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.
"Really sir, surely you know this, you must be the ugliest man I've
ever seen and I can't keep from staring at you."
"You think I'm pretty ugly? That ugly? Are you a betting man?"
"Well it depends on what I'm betting on, but I do bet from time to time."
"Do you see that cute little blonde sitting over there with that young
man? I've got $50 that says I'll go over there and pick her up."
The bartender accepted immediately, plopping his $50 on the bar next to
the customer's who had started to approach the table but wheeled and
came back.
"I've got another $50 that says that I'll pat her on the fanny as we walk
by you and she'll give you a wink."
The bartender quickly added another $50 and shortly after that the guy
walked out with the blonde on his arm and as they went by he patted her
on the fanny, she winked at the bartender, and the guy collected the win.
Astonished the bartender went over to the table where she had been
sitting to quiz the young man she had been with, he was sitting there with
a stunned look on his face.
"My gosh fellow, I'm amazed! What did he do? What did he say?"
"Nothing! Nothing at all! He just stood there; licking his eyebrows..."
--
Bill Kennedy
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: grant@looking.UUCP (Grant Robinson)
Subject: You ain't seen nothing yet!
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 28 Nov 88 16:30:05 GMT
A man is going to work one day and accidentily slams his penis in the car door.
Goes to the doctor, and the doctor says "We're going to have to put a splint on that." The guy says "No way Doc, I'm getting married in a week." The Doc
replies "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life."
So finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a couple tongue depressors
and some tape and fixes him up.
A week later, and he's on his honeymoon. His new wife is doing a
slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says
"See these, they've never been touched by a man before." She then takes
off her panties and says "See this, it's never been seen by a man before."
So the husband whips off his shorts and says "See this, it's not even out
of the crate yet!"
--
>From comedy night at Yuk-Yuks.
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: peterr@sco.UUCP
Subject: Healing by the pipes
Keywords: smirk
Date: 29 Nov 88 16:30:05 GMT
A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that
this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything
to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything
that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours.
The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would
make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the
room and play for the dying man.
When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his
eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced
around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the
tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a
miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play
the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2
Englishmen in for checkups died.
--
peter
uunet!sco!peterr
--
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because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: keithe@tekgvs.GVS.TEK.COM (Keith Ericson at TekLabs (resident factious factotum))
Subject: Report cards
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 30 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: Tektronix, Inc., Beaverton, OR.
(This actually happened the other night. I'll always remember it... keith)
It's report card time around here and my junior-high-school-aged
daughter was preparing me for her soon-to-be-delivered grade slip.
After telling me about her solid A in math, an almost-as-solid A in
both science and English, a hoped-for A in phys ed, and "pretty
certain" A in choir, she had to inform me that she would only be
getting a "low B" in history. I asked her "Why don't you do as well
in history as in your other subjects?" After a bit of a pause she
replied, "I don't remember."
--
keith
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: john@n7kbt.WA.COM (John Opalko)
Subject: South African chess
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 30 Nov 88 16:30:06 GMT
This one was told to me by a rather strange acquaintance the other night.
Have you heard about South African chess? It's a variation on standard chess.
The object is to capture the black bishop. Of course, that's not very
difficult, as only the white pieces are allowed to move.
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: carl@aoa.UUCP (Carl Witthoft)
Subject: The mysteries of time
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 1 Dec 88 03:30:02 GMT
The following was post/followuped in sci.physics.
From: dleigh@hplabsz.HPL.HP.COM (Darren Leigh)
In article <1174@sri-arpa.ARPA> huntress%v70npt.decnet@nusc-npt.arpa writes:
>Is time continuous?
No. It's sampled at 44.1 kHz and quantized to sixteen bits.
This is why CDs sound so good even though there are gaps in the music.
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca (John Palmer)
Subject: It goes both ways
Keywords: sexual, chuckle, offense=men, swearing
Date: 1 Dec 88 11:30:06 GMT
(Urer'f n srznyr punhivavfg wbxr V unira'g frra ba gur arg:)
N engure ybhq-zbhgurq zna fjnttrerq vagb n juberubhfr naq naabhaprq
gb gur znqnz, "Oevat n ynql jvgu ernyyl ovt gvgf naq n ernyyl gvtug chffl!"
N srj zbzragf yngre gur zna jnf nccebnpurq ol bar bs gur rzcyblrrf:
"Rkphfr zr, fve. Ner lbh gur zna jvgu gur ovt zbhgu naq gur gval cevpx?"
--
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If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: TheMessenger@cit5.cit.oz.au (TheMessenger)
Subject: God and The Post Office
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 1 Dec 88 16:30:04 GMT
Organization: Chisholm Institute of Technology, Melb, Australia
A nice young worker from Australia Post ( yes they do exist ), was sorting
through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as
follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old
lady who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of
$100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
Well the young lady was deeply touched and made a collection from her
fellow workmates and collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady. A few
weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened
it and it read "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it, however
I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: fgz@lakart.UUCP (Federico Genoese-Zerbi)
Subject: The POWER of RANDOM
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 2 Dec 88 03:30:03 GMT
This was an ad I found in a "Sporting Edge" catalog (you know, one of those
yuppy hardware stuff catalogs). I thought it was great....I also thought
that I should perhaps open up my own service. I can just see it:
FEDERICO'S RANDOM NUMBER SYSTEM. Guaranteed to follow no
pattern whatsoever, or something like that.
Anyway, enjoy the ad.
_________________________________________________________________________
Tap the power of _random_ selection to increase chances of winning the
lotto!
Lotto players face a dilemma each time they buy a ticket. What numbers
to pick? Studies have shown that most lotto winners don't use any sort of
special system to select their numbers. Instead, they tap the power of
_random selection_.
The Millionaire Maker is a novel, fun way to user random selection to
pick your numbers. It works just like a state Lotto machine. A tiny
battery-powered motor under the base rotates the sphere, which holds 80
numbered balls. Press one button and the sphere mixes the balls thoroughly.
Touch the other and the sphere rotates in the opposite direction...a clever
scooping system lifts a single ball at a time, up and into a sliding tray.
To return the balls to the sphere simply place them on the filling tray
and tilt it up. Now you are ready to choose another perfectly random set of
numbers.
Order Millionaire Maker today, for yourself, or friends who enjoy
playing Lotto. _YOU_ night bust the Lotto and be an instant millionaire!
#413110 Millionaire Maker $19.95 (1lb.)
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton)
Subject: EMail to Newspaper not a good idea, after all
Keywords: administrivia
Date: 2 Dec 88 16:11:09 GMT
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
It is with regret that I must say that the controversy over this matter and
the volume of response have blown far out of proportion. It is my
current belief that an excessive amount of mail directed at the Kitchener-
Waterloo Record can only aggravate the situation. While I originally set
up an email drop box for letters to the Record, I must ask that people send
no more.
The letters so far have all supported me, and due to the excessive volume,
I would understand if the editors felt the batch were suspect coming from
me. Because of this, I must ask that any who still require me to forward
their letter send a confirmation. I regret having to ask this but I truly
feel it is the best course at this time.
If you INSIST, you can do this by replying to this message, which will
mail to rconfirm@looking.UUCP
If you do confirm, you can re-send the text of your letter, or just a
confirmation, in which case I will get it from the "record" mailbox.
You will not hear much, if anything, more from me on this subject.
Thank you all for your kind support. I know (perhaps more than anybody, now)
how difficult it is to come out in public to defend somebody accused of
racism, or anything like it. You are all to be applauded.
(Sorry, but mail to me on this topic will not receive a reply.)
--
Brad Templeton, Looking Glass Software Ltd. -- Waterloo, Ontario 519/884-7473
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jborza%burgundy@Sun.COM (Jim_Borza)
Subject: With apologies to Henny Youngman
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, sexual, funny
Date: 2 Dec 88 16:30:04 GMT
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular
trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their
hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:
"You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes
by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out
of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurance, she lies down once more. Again
a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated,
she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager
says he'll be right up.
The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is
true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!".
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in.
"What", he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies:
"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
--
Jim Borza
Communication Factors - Fremont, CA (415) 797-3039
Sun Microsystems - Milpitas, CA
--
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From wyle@lavi.UUCP Thu Nov 3 05:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: wyle@lavi.UUCP (Mitchell Wyle)
Subject: Do I know you?
Keywords: sexual, gross, chuckle, rot13
Date: 3 Nov 88 11:30:03 GMT
A Frenchman, a Russian, and an Italian are in heaven discussing their
respective deaths; they realize they all died because of cars. The
Frenchman was making love to his girlfriend while on the highway and
died in a fatal accident. The Italian drove his Ferrari so fast, he
wiped out, crashed into a tree, died. The Russian saved all his
rubles for a year to buy a Lada, and starved to death.
-----------------
A mexican bandito asked his friend if he knows Pancho Villa.
"Do I know Pancho Villa? Do _I_ know Pancho Villa?? One day after I rob bank,
my pistollo is yanked from my holstero. Behind me stand Pancho Villa.
He take my money, say 'Eat my doodoo.' Rather than to die, I eat his doodoo.
While I eat his doodoo, I yank his pistollo. I say, 'Eat _MY_
doodoo.' Rather than to die, he eat my doodoo. You ask me if I
know Pancho Villa? We had lunch together!"
--
-Mitchell F. Wyle wyle@ethz.uucp
From roberson@june.cs.washington.edu Thu Nov 3 10:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: roberson@june.cs.washington.edu (Bruce Roberson)
Subject: Scottish Fashion
Keywords: smirk, heard it
Date: 3 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
Organization: U of Washington, Computer Science, Seattle
Heard this from a friend - he doesn't remember where it came from, but
it isn't recent.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
under the kilt?"
He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
- sure* you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde said yes, she did
want to know.
The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn under
the kilt, everything's in perfect working order."
Bruce Roberson
roberson@cs.washington.edu
--
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From mob@mit-amt.media.mit.edu Thu Nov 3 21:30:10 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: mob@mit-amt.media.mit.edu (Mario O. Bourgoin)
Subject: Death and the Doctor
Keywords: heard it, smirk
Date: 4 Nov 88 03:30:10 GMT
Organization: MIT Media Lab, Cambridge MA
At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad
news to the patients. The doctor tells the intern ``This man in 305
is going to die in six months. Go in and tell him.'' The intern
boldly walk into the room and up to the man and tells him ``You're
gonna die!'' The man has a heart attack and dies on the spot. The
doctor quickly takes the intern aside and cautions him ``You were much
too abrupt in announcing the news to that man. You've got to take it
easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 310 has but a
week to live. Go in and tell him, but gently now!'' The intern goes
softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily opens the drapes to
let the sun in, walks up to the man and tells him ``Good morning!
What a wonderful day, no? Say... Guess who's going to die soon?''
--Mario
--
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From marcl@vax.3Com.Com Fri Nov 4 10:30:06 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: marcl@vax.3Com.Com (Marc Lavine)
Subject: You've gotta speak the language
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 4 Nov 88 16:30:06 GMT
(From an ancient cartoon)
A missionary and his African guide have been captured by nasty-looking
cannibals, who are stoking up a fire near to them.
The missionary says to the guide, "Makumba, you speak this dialect.
What does 'jive-ass honky' mean?"
--
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From mojo@reed.UUCP Sat Nov 5 02:20:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: mojo@reed.UUCP (Lightning Strikes)
Subject: King Bentsen
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 5 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
>From Margie Boule's column ( Portland _Oregonian_).
What do Elvis Presley and Lloyd Bentsen have in common?
They've both been reported alive recently.
--
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From kaufman@gmuvax2.gmu.edu Sun Nov 6 02:20:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: kaufman@gmuvax2.gmu.edu (Ken Kaufman)
Subject: Timely variation on a Dangerfield one-liner
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 6 Nov 88 08:20:03 GMT
I went to a fight the other night, and an episode of Geraldo broke out.
--
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From dave@sun.soe.clarkson.edu Sun Nov 6 02:42:53 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: dave@sun.soe.clarkson.edu (Dave Goldblatt)
Subject: Net makes SNL
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 6 Nov 88 08:42:53 GMT
>From Dennis Miller on Saturday Night Live:
``In the wake of all these computer viruses running around lately,
remember that when you link your computer up with another computer
you're actually linking up with every computer that the computer
you've linked to has ever linked with.''
--
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From markhall@pyrps5.pyramid.com Sun Nov 6 10:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: markhall@pyrps5.pyramid.com (Mark Hall)
Subject: Heavenly achievement
Keywords: smirk, heard it, sexual
Date: 6 Nov 88 16:30:04 GMT
Heard this joke from a friend's Dad who (as far as I know) never
used a computer in his life.
So St. Peter was questioning a certain black fellow at the Pearly Gates:
``So, what achievements have you made in your lifetime?''
``Well, I once won a basketball game with a slam dunk in the last second!''
``Hey, that's pretty good! When did this happen?''
``Well, for that one you hafta go back `bout ten years''.
``Hmmm, that's kind of a long time ago. Have you done anything of merit
more recently?''
``Well, I once ran 100 meters in less than 10 seconds!''
``Wow, no one up here has done that before! When did this happen?''
``That was 5 years ago, back in high school. It was wind-aided.''
``Hmmm, that's still very impressive. One more thing and you're in.
Anything at all more recent?''
``Well, OK, how about this. I once made love to a white woman under the
bleachers at a Klu-Klux-Klan rally.''
``Holy Smokes! That takes real courage! Few men have done that before!
When did this happen?''
``Oh, jus' about 10 minutes ago. . .''
---
Mark Hall
Disclaimer: I hate racist, offensive jokes as much as the next person.
--
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From rvd@clunker.UUCP Sun Nov 6 21:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: rvd@clunker.UUCP (Robert Del Favero)
Subject: BRAINDUMP
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 7 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
This is something I made up after my boss told me to give a braindump
on our products to the new guy. It's based on the unix strings package.
nroff source is available for those that want the underlines and all.
Unfortunately, the source code was lost and the executable only exists
for NCR Decision Mate V machines running CP/M 1.19 with 8" floppies.
Otherwise, I'd have sent it to comp.sources.misc.
BRAIN(3) UNIX Programmer's Manual BRAIN(3)
NAME
braindump, braincat, braincmp, brainlen - brain operations
SYNOPSIS
#include <brain.h>
void braindump(b1, b2)
brain b1, b2;
void braincat(b1, b2)
brain b1, b2;
int braincmp(b1, b2, s)
brain b1, b2;
subject s;
long brainlen(b1);
brain b1;
DESCRIPTION
These functions work on null-terminated brains. They do not
check for overflow of the receiving brain.
braindump copies brain b2 to b1, stopping after the null
axon has been moved.
braincat appends a copy of brain b1 to the end of brain b2.
braincmp compares its arguments and returns an integer
greater than, equal to, or less than 0, according as
knowledge about subject s in brain b1 is objectively greater
than, equal to, or less than that in b2.
brainlen returns the number of usable, non-null axons in b1.
BUGS
We tried to write a brainndump but you just can't shut some
people up.
SEE ALSO
return_of_the_living_dead(1)
return_of_the_living_dead(2)
scanners(1) - effects of overflow
brain-a-matic(4) - Ronco device driver
Printed 10/19/88 January 18, 1988 1
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Del Favero, Jr. rvd@clunker.uucp
--
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From ewhac@well.UUCP Mon Nov 7 02:20:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: ewhac@well.UUCP (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)
Subject: More on J. Danforth Pigeon
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 7 Nov 88 08:20:03 GMT
Organization: The mideast nation of Sehwuht
More observations by Mark Russel:
Quayle said during the vice-presidential debate that, if the
President were to become incapacitated, the first thing he would do would be
to say a prayer.
OH, WOULDN'T WE ALL??!!
--
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From mosurm@mntgfx.UUCP Mon Nov 7 10:30:05 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: mosurm@mntgfx.UUCP (Mosur Mohan)
Subject: Tired and complaining
Keywords: laugh, swearing
Date: 7 Nov 88 16:30:05 GMT
The following is an actual letter of complaint which I grabbed off the
net many years ago (when it used to be called net.jokes, if you can
remember that long ago!) Unfortunately, I don't have the original
source anymore. Note the date sent and the prices quoted.
- *****************************************************************
Atlanta, Georgia
September 13, 1970
Director
Billing Department
Shell Oil Company
P.O. Box XXXX
Tulsa, Oklahoma 74102
Dear Sir:
I have been a regular customer of the Shell Oil Company for several
years now, and spend approximately $40.00 per month on Shell products.
Until recently, I have been completely satisfied with the quality of
Shell products and with the service of Shell employees.
Included in my most recent statement from your department was a bill
for $12.00 for a tire which I purchased at the Lowell I. Reels Shell
station in McAdenville, N.C. I stopped at this station for gasoline
and to have a timing malfunction corrected. The gasoline cost $5.15;
eight new plugs cost $9.36; labor on the points $2.50. All well and
good.
Earlier in the day I had a flat tire, which the attendant at the
Lowell I. Reels station informed me that he was unable to fix. He
suggested that I purchase a tire from him in order that I have a spare
for the remainder of my journey to Atlanta. I told him that I
preferred to buy tires from home station in Atlanta, but he continued
to stress the risk of driving without a spare. My reluctance to trade
with an unknown dealer, even a Shell dealer, did not discourage him
and finally, as I was leaving, he said that out of concern for my
safety (my spare was not new) and because I had made a substantial
expenditure at his station, he would make me a special deal. He
produced a tire ("Hits a good one. Still has the tits on it. See
them tits. Hits a twenty dollar tar.") which I purchased for twelve
dollars and which he installed on the front left side for sixty-five
cents. Fifty miles further down the highway, I had a blowout.
Not a puncture which brought a slow, flapping flat, nor a polite
ladyfinger firecracker rubberburpple rupture (pop); but a howitzer
blowout, which reared the the hood of my car up into my face, a
blowout, sir, which tore a flap of rubber from this "tire" large
enough to make soles for both sandals of a medium sized hippie. In a
twinkling, then, I was driving down Interstate 85 at sixty miles per
hour on three tires and one rim with rubber clinging to it in
desparate shreds and patches, an instrument with a bent, revolving,
steel-then-rubber-then-steel rim, whose sound can be approximated by
the simultaneous placing of a handful of gravel and a young duck into
a Waring Blender.
The word "careen" does no justice whatever to the movement that the
car then performed. According to the highway patrolman's report, the
driver in the adjoining lane, the left hand-- who, incidentally, was
attempting to pass me at the time-- ejaculated adrenalin all over the
ceiling of his car. My own passengers were fused into a featureless
quiver in the key of "G" in the back seat of my car. The rim was
bent; the tits were gone; and you can f--k yourself with a cream
cheese dildo if you entertain for one moment the delusion that I
intend to pay the twelve dollars.
Sincerely yours,
/s/ T.B.T.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- Mohan.
--
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From jat@hpsemc.UUCP Tue Nov 8 02:20:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: jat@hpsemc.UUCP (Joe Talmadge)
Subject: Voting Time Again
Keywords: original, smirk, topical
Date: 8 Nov 88 08:20:03 GMT
Well, there's a chill in the air, a frost on the ground, and a large
steaming pile of bullshit on the television. Yes, that's
right, it's election time. Voting in CA should be an absolute
blast this year, as we have the pleasure of voting on approximately
12,000 new "propositions." For those of you who don't live in
California, a "proposition" is a way for us California slimes to
participate directly in the democratic process, by allowing anyone who
has the brains of a lima bean to spend billions of dollars on
television commercials. My personal favorite is the commercial
sponsored by the insurance companies, which states that if we don't
vote for their proposition, all of Western Civilization will collapse.
(A prospect which concerns me greatly, as then it will certainly be
much harder to buy beer, and they might even cancel Professional
Wrestling)
This year, most of our propositions are funded by "General Obligation
Bonds," which really means "We have no idea how we're going to pay for
this proposition." Lately, it's become an all-too-frequent occurrence
to see the Proposition Funding Team searching through California
streets in search of lost quarters and stuff. (I read an interview of
Horace Gumley, chairman of the Proposition Funding Committee, who was
in a particularly ecstatic mood because a Funding Team Member found a
5-dollar bill that morning.)
Which brings me to my reason for writing this. Next year, I'd like to
get my very own "proposition" on the ballot. This proposition would
state that if you go to a nightclub and some dumb idiot puts out a
cigarette in your beer, you can legally make that person drink it,
without having the bouncers throw you out. Not that I've ever done
anything like that.
If you would like to vote on this proposition next year, write an
extremely concerned letter to:
Guverner Dukemajuhn
The Big House in Sacramento
Sacramento, CA
Thank you
--
Joe Talmadge Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
--
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From brian@radio.uucp Tue Nov 8 10:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: brian@radio.uucp (Brian Glendenning)
Subject: I wonder whodunnit?
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, racist (mildly), chuckle
Date: 8 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
Organization: Radio Astronomy, University of Toronto
>From prabhu@mitisft Tue Oct 4 16:00:31 1988
A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal,
the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement
of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually
did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY".
--
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From akm@mentor.cc.purdue.edu Tue Nov 8 21:30:08 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: akm@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Raffie Tordil)
Subject: Birthday Gift
Keywords: smirk
Date: 9 Nov 88 03:30:08 GMT
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after
careful consideration, he decided to buy her a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sister, he went to a women's wear shop and bought a
pair of expensive gloves. Meanwhile, his sister bought a pair of panties.
In the delivery, the packages got mixed up; his sister got the gloves and
he got the panties. Without checking the contents of the package, he sent
it to his sweetheart with the following note:
Dearest One,
This little gift is to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I
chose them because I noticed you were not in the habit of wearing any
when you went out in the evenings. I it hadn't been for my sister, who
was with me when I bought them, I would have picked out long ones with
buttons, but she said the latest style is to wear them unbuttoned, and
hanging down. I had her try them on for me and she looked very smart in
them.
How I wish I could put them on for you the first time, but no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance. I did not know
what size to get, yet I should be capable of judging better than anyone
else. When you take them off, blow in them as they will be a little damp
from wearing them. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them; otherwise
they will shrink.
With my fondest love,
P.S. Just think of the number of times I will kiss the back of them in
the coming year.
--
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From raj@margaux.UUCP Wed Nov 9 10:30:06 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: raj@margaux.UUCP (Bob Jewett)
Subject: Trees
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 9 Nov 88 16:30:06 GMT
From: Burton Hillis
You have to admire trees. Even though they start to lose their leaves,
they never consider growing a beard.
--
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From mjb@mentor.cc.purdue.edu Wed Nov 9 21:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: mjb@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: The Coolidge Effect
Date: 10 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
a supposedly true story from:
Bermant, G. (1976). Sexual behavior: Hard times with the Coolidge
Effect. In M. H. Siegel & H. P. Zeigler (Eds.), /Psychological
Research: The inside story/ (pp. 76-103). New York: Harper & Row.
One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government
farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours.
When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in
charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. "Dozens of
times," was the reply. "Please tell that to the President," Mrs.
Coolidge requested.
When the President passed the pens and was told about the
roosters, he asked "Same hen every time?" "Oh no, Mr.
President, a different one each time." The President nodded
slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
--
Matthew Bradburn; mjb@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
--
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From jmd@mhuxu.UUCP Thu Nov 10 21:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: jmd@mhuxu.UUCP (Joe Dakes)
Subject: Two Hunters in Canada
Keywords: funny
Date: 11 Nov 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories, Reading, PA
Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada.
Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember only one
moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight
than that." The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to
pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.
The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one
because we won't be able to take off with that much weight." "Oh, c'mon,"
beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're
just a chicken."
Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to
bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake,
straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as
they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the
lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks
at all the scatterd debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?" To which
the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than
last year."
--
Joe Dakes
--
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From Douglas.Reece@IUS1.CS.CMU.EDU Fri Nov 11 10:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: Douglas.Reece@IUS1.CS.CMU.EDU
Subject: Cow joke
Keywords: smirk, sexual
Date: 11 Nov 88 16:30:04 GMT
Heard from a friend, some years ago:
Three bulls -- a big bull, a medium sized bull, and a small bull -- were
standing by a fence one day, chewing grass and looking out over the
fields. The big one says, "See all of them cows out there? Half of
'em are mine." The medium sized one responds, "See all them cows? A
third of them are MINE." The little bull pipes up, "Hey, all the rest
of them cows are mine."
After a while the bulls notice the farmer drive up with a
truck and unload another bull -- the hugest Brahma bull these other
bulls have ever seen. The big bull stops chewing and says, with a wide-
eyed look, "He...he can have a third of my cows if he wants 'em." The
medium sized bull trembles a bit when he says "He can have HALF of my
cows if he wants them."
Then the two bigger bulls notice that the small bull is
snorting, bucking, pawing the ground, and putting on a ferocious act.
"What are you doing, fool !?" they say. The small bull replies, "I
want to make sure he knows I'm a bull!"
--
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From brad@looking.UUCP Sat Nov 12 01:36:05 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton)
Subject: Regarding the Jew/Scotsman Joke
Keywords: administrivia, apology
Date: 12 Nov 88 07:36:05 GMT
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
Let me apologize for not making that joke rot13. It should have been,
but I goofed up, as sometimes happens, even to pfrect guys like me.
Rest assured that I'm not unaware of the Holocaust. Part of my heritage
is Jewish, enough that Hitler would have put me into the camps had I been
in Nazi Germany.
Also rest assured that the posting of the joke near the 50th anniversary of
the start of Hitler's pogroms was literally random chance. The jokes
are posted by the cron, which selects a random joke from the joke queues.
That joke was actually received a while ago, and the decision to post on
that date was that of my system's rand(), srand() and time() routines.
Sorry.
--
Brad Templeton, Looking Glass Software Ltd. -- Waterloo, Ontario 519/884-7473
From victoro@crash.cts.com Sun Nov 13 02:20:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: victoro@crash.cts.com (Dr. Snuggles)
Subject: My God, it's full of...
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 13 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
Organization: Crash TS, El Cajon, CA
What do you see in one of Vice-President Quayle's ears when you shine a
flashlight in the other?
A thousand points of light.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From ras@oravax.UUCP Sun Nov 13 21:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: ras@oravax.UUCP (Rick Smith)
Subject: I found my thrill on Huckleberry hill
Keywords: smirk, sexual
Date: 14 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
A fellow went to work one day and was met at the door by his boss. "You're
fired, and there may be a summons for your arrest out of this!" the boss
exclaimed.
The fellow then started to drive home when the steering went out
on his car and he ran into a carload of nuns. After the policeman let him
go with the collection of tickets, he called his insurance company, only to
find out that his wife forgot to send in the premium payment and that his
insurance ran out last week.
On his way home, he stopped into the bank to get some money and found
out that his wife had been there earlier with his best friend and
emptied the accounts. After leaving the bank, he was on his way home and
saw the fire engines heading down his street. Upon arriving
at his house, he discovered that it was indeed his house on fire. The fire
chief was sure that it was going to be a total loss. Again, calling the
insurance company, he found that the homeowners insurance also had been
cancelled.
By now the fellow was somewhat depressed and went into the local
bar. As he was telling his troubles to the bartender the bartender said,
"You've got the chance of a lifetime. All your obligations are gone and you
can start all over. Why don't you take this bucket, go up to Huckleberry Hill,
pick huckleberries, and go door to door selling them."
Well, this sounded O.K. to the fellow, so off he went. After picking
most of the day he finally had enough berries to sell. At the first house he
stopped at the woman said that she would indeed take all his huckleberries
but would he mind coming around to the back door. As the fellow got to the
back door the woman opened it and was totally nude. (and not hard on the eyes)
The fellow just broke down and was weeping hysterically. The woman was quite
beside herself and asked what the problem was. The fellow answered "I've lost
my job, my car is ruined, my wife ran off with my best friend taking all my
money, my house burned down, all my insurance has been cancelled, and now
I'm going to be screwed out of my huckleberries."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From brad@looking.UUCP Mon Nov 14 02:20:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton)
Subject: Watch your rear
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 14 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
What's the difference between John Turner and Liberace?
John Turner's aides haven't killed him yet.
{ed Source Unknown}
--
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From K.R.Nauman@ihnp4.UUCP Mon Nov 14 10:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: K.R.Nauman@ihnp4.UUCP
Subject: newlyweds
Keywords: sexual, chuckle, heard it
Date: 14 Nov 88 16:30:04 GMT
It was the wedding night for a young couple and the groom wanted everything
to be just perfect. He arranged to stay in the Honeymoon Suite of a plush
hotel, and he and his new bride eagerly jumped into the heart-shaped bed
to make love for the first time (at least for him). After making wild and
passionate love for a considerate length of time, they both reached the
climactic momement simultaneously, slipping into a state of utmost
relaxation. At this point, the groom reaches for the telephone.
"What on earth do you think you are doing?" asks the young bride
"Well, I wanted everything to be perfect, so I thought I should call room
service for a bottle of their finest champagne," came the reply
"Well, I used to date Arnold Palmer, and when Arnold and I finished making love
we would wait 10 minutes and make love again," the young groom was informed.
"If that's what you are used to, I will be glad to comply..." And 10 minutes
or so later the young couple was making wild and passionate love again. At
the culmination of this second lovemaking session, the young groom reaches
for the phone once again...
"What on earth do you think you are doing?" asks the young bride.
"Like I said before, I want this to be a special occasion, so I was going to
call room service for that bottle of champagne."
"Well, Arnold and I used to relax for 15 minutes or so, and then make love a
third time," came her reply.
So, once again, not wanting to disappoint his young bride, the groom relaxed
a bit and finally was capable of making love a third time. After this third
wild and passionate and somewhat time consuming session, the couple finally
reaches the climactic momement and returns to a relaxed state. Once again,
the groom reaches for the phone....
"What on earth do you think you are doing?" asks the young bride.
"Calling Arnold Palmer to find out what's par for this hole!"
--
< Keith R. Nauman > from my memory of jokes heard from friends and in bars
--
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From jbowe@pineapple.bbn.com Mon Nov 14 21:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: jbowe@pineapple.bbn.com
Subject: Would you like to see my new dress?
Keywords: smirk
Date: 15 Nov 88 03:30:03 GMT
Heard in the office...
She: Would you like to see my new dress?
He: I'd like nothing better.
--
jbowe@bbn.com
--
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From mlf@genrad.com Tue Nov 15 02:20:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: mlf@genrad.com (Matt Fichtenbaum)
Subject: Going on Tour
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 15 Nov 88 08:20:03 GMT
George Bush has announced that his Vice-President's
first official assignment will be to travel to Lebanon
to get firsthand information on the hostage situation.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From a.l.judkis@watmath.UUCP Tue Nov 15 05:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: a.l.judkis@watmath.UUCP
Subject: Guy and gorilla go into bar, etc
Keywords: racist, chuckle, rot13
Date: 15 Nov 88 11:30:04 GMT
A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the
bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."
So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all
her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to
the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and
chat. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that
drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes
in here, she's with a black guy."
From knight@f.gp.cs.cmu.edu Tue Nov 15 10:30:05 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: knight@f.gp.cs.cmu.edu
Subject: The Dying of Ember
Keywords: original, chuckle
Date: 15 Nov 88 16:30:05 GMT
THE DYING OF EMBER
(A Parody of Amber, with Apologies to Roger Zelazny)
Kevin Knight
c 1988
Reproduced with Permission
III
My destination: Ember. My goal: the crown and the throne. My mode of
transportation: walking in Shade. My name: Lord Corbin.
First stop, Revlon.
Ah, fair Revlon. A Shade world I once knew so well. I had ruled there
for many years in the Old Times. Revlon was my home away from Ember, and
through my presence there, I had built it into a mighty power. Rolling
hills, deep forests, men of honor, fair maidens . . .
Fair maidens with heavy makeup. Strange as it may sound, the makeup
of Revlon would enable me to launch a massive attack on Ember and win back what
was rightfully mine. Years before, you see, I had brought a case of Revlon
rouge to Ember, as a gift for my sister Didi. She didn't like the stuff,
and in my anger I threw it into the fireplace. It exploded, very prettily and
very noisily. My first thought was: I was lucky that Didi had spurned the
gift, for she sometimes smokes. My second thought was: wait a minute, nothing
explodes in Ember! And so I formulated a plan to build weapons based on
this chemical, weapons which would one day make me the most powerful man in
Ember.
Unfortunately, this plan had slipped my mind last time around. Blaise
fell off a cliff and I got four years in the slammer because of it. Not this
time, brother.
I shifted Shade for Revlon.
I came upon seven men, six dead and one slouched against a thick oak.
I hated to see so many dead men, so using my power as Prince of the Blood, I
walked to a nearby Shade where there were also seven men, but only one was
dead. The other six stood laughing. They noticed me as I approached.
"Wot's this then?" said one.
Their shirts were thin and ragged, probably from the battle that had
resulted in the death of the one who lay plastered on the ground.
"Warriors," I said. "Does any of your number know the way to Revlon?"
They looked at each other quizzically.
"For whom do you fight?" I asked.
"?" they tried.
"Who . . . is . . . your . . . leader?"
"Tha' would be me, bloke," said one of the tall ones. "You innerested
in joinin' us? Headin' for Revlon, we are."
"Fine, fine!" I said.
"What instrument do you play?" he asked.
"I play some guitar, but why do you ask?"
"We're a Heavy Metal Band, boy! And Lord knows we need another
guitarist!"
"We only got three," piped one of the short ones.
"You're in!" said the leader, and he slapped me on the back. I wasn't
really interested in hanging around with a burned out metal band, but I had
to admit I was out of practice, and a few jam sessions would be just the thing
to get me back into top form. I would travel with these men to Revlon.
"I've been in the slammer," I explained.
They murmured to each other in their heavy foreign accents. I could
only pick out the words "pigs" and "drugs".
I slept, and in the morning I found that my sword Graceland had
transmuted itself into a silver Stratocaster. I picked it up and played a
C chord. Then a G. The guitar was in tune. I cradled the neck and pulled
up on the distortion bar. Yes, I knew how to use the thing.
Outside, the men in the band were tuning their instruments. The
two drummers were dueling. The bassist/vocalist was running through some
scales. I stepped out and roared into a Stones riff. The other guitarists
were taken aback. They jumped in with some rhythm, and one of them contested
me for the lead. I was able to squeeze in more notes per second, however,
and he quickly conceded. I switched to some of the heavier stuff. After
an hour, two of the guitarists put down their weapons and had a smoke. The
other one played with me for another hour, but he too grew tired. I was just
starting to feel back in shape, though, and I wanted to push myself. I played
a few songs with the drummers, then engaged the bassist/vocalist in an
extended version of Stairway to Heaven. That night, I ate a huge meal and
slept for ten hours.
I repeated the same routine for the next few days, as we drew closer
to Revlon.
On the fourth night I met Lauren. I would like to tell you that we
met an a patio overlooking a lake, with the full moon highlighting her hair
and her silvery dress. But that would be crap. I had seen her several times
before, first with the bassist/vocalist, then with one of the guitarists, and
later with the two drummers. The first time I ever spoke with her, though,
was after a gig. She came by my dressing room and asked me if I wanted to
do it. I said, yeah, sure. She said she loved me. I said, crap. But she
started hanging around me anyway. We spent several nights together, and she
told me many things.
"I've seen you play. You're good," she said.
"I've seen better," I replied.
"The guys in the band respect you. They also fear you."
"Why? Because I can squeeze a few more notes out of my Strat?"
"They think there is something supernatural involved. They're
Devil Worshippers, you know."
I had not known this, but as I reflected upon the human skeletons, the
pyrotechnics, and the hell-inspired lyrics that made up our show, pieces
of the puzzle began to fall together. Perhaps it was no accident that I, a
man who had been called a demon more than once, should fall in with such a
crowd. I laughed aloud to hide my thoughts.
"I'm no demon," I said. " I'm just the second best guitarist around,
that's all."
"Who's the best?
"Benedictus of Ember, if he is still alive," I replied. Benedictus had
once upstaged the Moonpeople of Ghinesh by doing four encores in a single
night. We are a very musical family.
"Wanna do it?" she asked.
"Yeah, sure," I replied.
"I love you."
"Crap."
There was something sad about Lauren, though I enjoyed my time with
her, and vice-versa. One night she told me that she was going to die. I
asked her why. She said that soon the band would break up, and without us,
she was nothing. I was silent, for I knew that the band would indeed break
up. I would be the first to leave once we reached Revlon. I had no choice.
My destiny was to become King of Ember, not Bandleader of Devil-people.
With a few gigs under my belt, I felt better than ever. I no longer
felt the physical and psychological strains of my four years in the Big House.
Lauren lay next to me, sleeping. Suddenly, her eyes grew wide.
"You are in trouble," she said flatly.
Before I could formulate an answer, the door to my hotel room flew
open. On the threshold stood an inhuman beast, six feet tall, gray and
unclothed. It wore a fake arrow through its head, in a low grade imitation
of the Comedians of Ember. In its right hand was a long silver blade
that I liked not at all.
"My name is Strygalldwinnirdrillbinir. Conjure with it, and I shall
eat your spleen."
"Conjure with it? I can't even say it," I lied.
"Who are you?" it demanded.
"Misli, gammi gra'dil, Strygalldwinnnirdrinbillir," I said.
"No, it's 'Strygalldwinnirdrillbinir'," it said.
"Sorry. Misli, gammi gra'dil, Strygalldwinnirdribblnir."
"No, not '--dribblnir'. It's '--drillbinir'."
I never was very good at foreign names. One more try:
"Misli, gammi gra'dil, Strygalldwinnirdrillbinir."
"You seek to drive me away with such a simple spell? I am not one of
the wimpier ones. I must ask you again, who are you?"
"This isn't fair. My name is much easier to pronounce."
"Three times I must ask you--"
Those were its last words, for just then, a man slid up behind the
beast and put a dagger through its throat. The thing died silently. The
man entered the room.
"Lose the bitch," he said. Lauren pulled the sheet around herself and
left quickly.
"My thanks, sir," I said. "What is your name?"
He hesitated.
"Look, I won't conjure with it, I promise," I promised.
"The name is Galenon, and if I may offer you some paternal advice, I
would transmute that guitar back into a sword. The times they are
a-changin'."
I chuckled and snorted and did this thing, and we stayed up most of
the night talked of our respective travels. Galenon was also on the road to
Revlon, as it turned out, and I decided to split the band and join him. I
packed my things and left in the night.
I was forthright with Galenon, for I trusted him. I told him of Ember
and of my plans to take the throne. He had heard of Ember and asked to be
my lieutenant in the upcoming battle. I accepted his offer.
We reached Revlon at last. I wondered if its inhabitants would still
remember me, their ruler of five hundred years past. At the border, a guard
stopped us.
"You look familiar," he told me. "You look just like that guy on
the old coins."
"George Washington?" I tried.
"No, no, that other guy."
"Lincoln?"
"No."
"Kennedy? He's on the half-dollar," I suggested.
"Forget it. You may pass."
"Was it Jefferson? Thomas Jefferson?"
Galenon nudged me. "I don't mean to sound like your father," he said,
"but don't you think we ought to be getting the explosive rouge?"
"Right," I said.
We made it to the city, where we were approached by the local cops.
They insisted that we see a man known as the Defender, in City Hall. We
travelled to this place. Inside, I was surprised to see that the man behind
the desk was my own brother, Benedictus of Ember. My eyes widened, and so
did his.
"Brother!" said he.
"Brother!" replied I.
"How fare thee?" he asked.
I dared not tell him of my plans.
"Fine, and you?" I said.
"I am tired, and as you can see, I have no arms."
This was true, he had no arms.
"This is true, you have no arms. How did this thing come about?"
"It is a long story. But at last I have re-united Revlon and driven
the demon creatures out."
"Demon creatures? DEMONS OF EMBER?"
"No, demons of Revlon. A particularly nasty race of beings known
as Housemaids. Cold, icy, stubborn beasts, they refuse to do windows, and
worse, they always put stuff back in the wrong drawers. Their attacks began
three years ago. As you can imagine, they caused great confusion in the
land. In an effort to resolve the conflict, I met with their leader, a woman
called Linda. Unfortunately, I was forced to kill her after she lopped off
my arms. Much later, I made love to her and then began counterattacking her
troops. Only in the past month have we driven them from the city. I will
continue the patrols for the next two hundred years, however, for we may have
missed one or two of them."
"Prudent," said I.
"But enough about me. I hear you escaped Erik's dungeons. I would
like to know more about this."
"Tunnels," I said.
He raised his eyebrows. He knew I was lying, but he dared not accuse
me. Had he accused me, though, I would have been forced to challenge him to
a duel of the blades, and this was a thing I did not want to do.
For even without arms, he could still outfence any of us. I feared
him, properly.
"You are free to stay in my house, Corbin, of course. But if you are
planning to use Revlon as a staging area for an attack on Ember, then you have
come at the wrong time. I will not permit such a thing."
"No problem," I said. "I appreciate your hospitality, Benedictus.
Live long and prosper." I wanted to ask him more about Revlon, and about the
Housemaids and their leader Linda, whom he slew and later loved. But there
was no time.
I sent Galenon to search for the explosive rouge. For my own part, I
began to mentally organize the weaponry and personnel I would require. As I
walked through the forest, I decided where and how I would gather the
necessary materiel for my war against Erik.
Suddenly, a woman appeared. She was thin and freckled, and she held
a thin and freckled blade in her right hand.
"Wanna do it?" she asked.
Not again, I thought.
"Let's fence first," I said. Her blade rose.
She was good. Very good. I came on strong and aggressive at first,
but she deflected my advances with ease. I decided to be more formal. We
went through a series of standard exercises, after which I felt I knew her
style. I closed with her. Our blades met at eye level, our faces nearly
touching. I grazed her cheek with my sword. She pulled away, but I advanced.
I forced her back into a thicket. She gasped. I lunged. She did not parry.
I lunged again. Again. Again. She screamed, and so did I. We both fell
to the ground.
"So you wanna do it?" she asked again.
"Give me a little break here."
She gave me a break, and then we did it. I asked her name. It was
Darla. I told her everything about Ember. Why? I do not know, for I am not
a trusting person by nature. What was the reason for my loose tongue of late?
Perhaps it was that annoying character change of mine . . .
"Will you take me to Ember?" she asked.
"No."
"Please, please, please?" she pleaded.
"I don't think you understand the danger involved. Awaiting my
coming are the DEMONS OF EMBER."
"What DEMONS OF EMBER?" she asked, but I did not answer. I did not
know myself. I bade her farewell, and promised to look her up.
I found Galenon in a department store, haggling with the woman behind
the perfume counter. He held a knife to her throat.
"Hello, sonny," he said to me. "The bitch says she doesn't know
anything about any exploding makeup. Should I kill her?"
I saw the fear in the woman's eyes, and I called my partner off.
"It doesn't explode *here*, Galenon, it explodes in Ember. Look, I
see some of it over there."
We bought two hundred and twelve compacts of the stuff.
Galenon and I departed into Shade that day. I found a Shade close to
the Earth I had inhabited for so many years, but one which was subtly
different from my old home. To wit, the ground was littered with automatic
weapons. We collected these weapons and took them to a more familiar Shade,
the place where I had collected my army so many years before. You might
think that the inhabitants would be angry with me, for I *had* taken their
youth from them and caused them to die uselessly in a foreign war. But
these people revered me as a god, and thousands of them would volunteer
again. I had only to ask.
Galenon and I arrived. A multitude waited below us. An old man with a
crown came to greet us.
"I have returned!" I boomed.
The man look displeased. His eyes went back to the multitude.
"Don't take it wrong," quoth he, "but, uh, you *did* take our youth
>From us and cause them to die uselessly in a foreign war. What do
you, uh, want this time?"
"Soldiers!" I boomed again.
"Soldiers," muttered the man. "Are we going to, uh, win this time?"
"Of course! But it won't be easy, for awaiting my coming are the
DEMONS OF EMBER!"
"DEMONS OF EMBER?"
"Indeed! But I have brought new weapons!" I took an automatic
rifle laced the crowd with bullets. Many fell, my friend, but the rest
cheered and cheered. Their god was back.
Recruitment went smoothly. I only needed twenty men this time. I
picked the best and trained them well. Before we left, I inspected the troops.
"Who is Erik?" I asked one of the men.
"Beats me," he replied.
I ran him through with my sword. There was much blood.
"Who is Erik?" I asked the next one, who began to sweat.
"Erik is the Lord of . . . Lord of . . ."
"Yes? Yes?" I provoked.
"Lord of . . . Ember?" he tried.
"NO! NO! LORD OF EVIL! LORD OF EVIL!" I ran him through. "Who
is Erik?" I screamed.
"THE LORD OF EVIL!" they all exclaimed, elated that I hadn't run
them through.
Galenon and I made some final arrangements, and then we set off
for Ember. By now, I had mastered the Axioms of Ember. I knew that
All Roads Lead to Ember, for instance, so I picked a road and followed it,
and my men followed me. Erik did not notice us this time. I figured this
was due to the small size of our force.
"Corbin?" Galenon said.
"Yes?" I answered.
"Often you have mentioned the DEMONS OF EMBER which await your
coming, but I myself know nothing of such beings. How do you *know* they
await us?"
"It's on the cover of the paperback," I replied.
"What paperback?"
"THE GUNS OF REVLON. The one with the goofy picture on the front."
"But book covers are notoriously unrelated to the the text that
lay between the pages. I would wager that there *are* no DEMONS OF EMBER,"
he wagered.
"Hmm, you may have a point. But if you are right, then it is quite
possible that THE GUNS OF REVLON is neither a HUGO nor a NEBULA AWARD
WINNER. Good God, Galenon! I might not be a ROGER ZELAZNY hero -- I might be
living in a MICHAEL MORCOCK book!"
"Get hold of yourself, son!" said Galenon. "Maybe there *are* DEMONS
OF EMBER after all. And maybe, just maybe, there is also A MYSTERIOUS FEMALE
IN THE PERFECT KINGDOM who PORTENDS TREASON, TREACHERY -- AND OBLIVION!"
"What does that mean, 'TREASON, TREACHERY -- AND OBLIVION'? Never
mind. I agree with you. I feel we must trust The Man Who Writes Book Cover
Blurbs, for even though he probably hasn't read this book, his is the only
information we have to go on. I only hope that bullets will be enough to stop
the DEMONS OF EMBER. Come, let us hie."
And hie we did, until Ember was within sight.
"Ember is within sight," I announced.
"I know, I can see it," said Galenon.
"You act as though you have been here before," I accused.
"So do you, kid," he replied.
"I *have* been here. You've never been here. Got that? And why do
you keep calling me 'kid' and 'sonny'? I'm starting to get perturbed with
you."
"Sorry," he said. Then, "Look!"
I looked. There was a battle already in progress. Erik's men were
fighting hand to hand with a large force of Shade creatures. The creatures
were pouring in across a huge expanse of darkness, some kind of black road
that led from deep inside Shade right up to the foot of Rivlok. I had planned
to take Ember by killing Erik, but now . . .
In one of those split-second decisions you usually wind up regretting,
I ordered my men to attack the Shade beasts rather than Erik's men. Confused,
they carried out their orders. O, how they died that day! The creatures
burned and died and heaved, and I chuckled. I diverted my attention from the
battle in order to find my brother Erik. At last, I spotted him on the far
mountainside. I left Galenon in charge of the battle.
After negotiating the crags and crevices, I reached Erik. He was lying
on his back, bleeding. Around his neck was the Jewel of the Judge, a magical
pendant often worn by our father.
"I . . . am . . . dying," he announced.
"Oh yeah?" I stuttered. "That's, uh, too bad, Erik. Listen, about
your Death Curse, I mean, you're not going to, I mean, well . . . you don't
even *have* to have a Death Curse. Not if you don't want to. It's not like a
law or anything. Even if it was, what could they do to you? I mean, you're
dead, and if you didn't use your Death Curse, too bad--"
"Enough!" he sputtered, spitting blood all over me.
"Jesus Christ, that's disgusting," I observed.
"I reserve my Death Curse for the creatures from the Black Freeway.
And I give you this Jewel. With it, you can control the weather. You must
attune yourself to it by wearing it and walking the Design. You're in command
now." He coughed up a lung. "You'll find that things are not what you
expected. Ember is in deep trouble. Deep . . ." He gasped for air.
"Can I get you some water or something?" I asked.
He mumbled his Death Curse, a horrible thing to hear. It had an
immediate effect on the battle. The creatures began retreating. Erik heaved
his last breath then.
I took the Jewel from about his neck. It pulsed curiously in my hands.
He had said to take it to the Design. I signalled Galenon to pursue the
creatures. I headed for the castle myself. Just inside, I ran into Randy.
"Corbin!" he said. "Downstairs! Something's happening!"
We both ran down to the Design room. Someone was walking the Design
already! Who was it? I squinted, but could not make out the face.
"Some chick," said Randy. "Never seen her."
I looked again. It was Darla.
"What do you think it means?" Randy asked.
"It portends TREASON, TREACHERY -- AND OBLIVION!" I said.
"What does that mean, 'TREASON, TREACHERY -- AND OBLIVION!'?"
"Shut up for a second." I turned to the girl and yelled, "Darla!
What the hell are you doing?"
She looked up at me and continued walking. She was almost finished.
Randy said, "So she must be of the Blood of Ember. I thought there
were only thirteen of us."
"There must be countless others. You're not counting Delwyn and
Sandy, for instance. That makes fifteen right there."
"Oh yeah. How come we never talk about them?" he asked.
"We're supposed to pretend like they don't exist."
"For how long?" he asked.
"Until the sixth book or so," I said. I raised my hand. "Wait!"
Darla had reached the center of the Design. She raised her hands into
the air and said:
"Ember will be destroyed!"
Shit, I thought.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From amlovell@phoenix.princeton.edu Tue Nov 15 21:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: amlovell@phoenix.princeton.edu
Subject: An essay for .funny consideration
Keywords: original, laugh
Date: 16 Nov 88 03:30:03 GMT
(This was posted a week ago in talk.pol.misc, but thought I'd let you
mull it over. It is original writing, and is typical of my callous mode
of social thought which I occasionally fall into.)
Like many people, I have been thinking about the problem of homelessness in
America's cities. Besides the obvious suffering of the homeless people, the
spectacle of raggedly dressed people bent for warmth in the subways and bus
stations of the cities greets visitors with a pronouncedly negative image.
I have struck upon a means of eliminating the privation of the homeless while
lessening the adverse impact they have on the surrounding neighborhoods.
At a cost of about $250 per individual, each can be outfitted with a friendly
Disney character costume. Generous insulation and bright, stain resistant
colors would help to insure that the occupant remains warm inside and cheerful
outside. As there are so many different characters, each participant would be
able to choose which outfit most closely fits his style.
This landmark project would have manifold beneficial effects. Travelers
arriving at the bus and train terminals would no longer comment on how awful
it is to be met with wave attacks of unkempt panhandlers. Instead, their kids
could laugh and feel safe and recall fondly how Mickey greeted them upon their
arrival to the Big City. Replace the heart-rending image of a woman swaddled
in torn clothes crouching for shelter in a shop doorway with that of a warm
and sweetly blushing Snow White settled snugly down with her pullcart of
possessions in the same alcove. A societal blemish has been instantly
transformed into a fantasy attraction!
The boost this program could provide to the participants' sense of self-image
would be tremendous. They would enjoy a strong sense of camraderie. Instead
of facing a bleak street existence alone, they would belong to a happy family
of playful ducks, dogs and chipmunks. This would give everybody something to
be proud of. The necessity of keeping one's uniform spiffy and one's antics
competitively endearing (to bolster handout revenues) would be easy and fun.
And, as George Bush has observed, many of the homeless people on our streets
already identify with popular cartoon figures. The transition would be
painless for most everyone.
Expensive and marginally effective substance abuse recovery programs could
be avoided by the simple expedient of dressing addicts and drunks as either
pink elephants or Dopey the dwarf. A person suffering from a nervous tic could
become Pinnochio the dancing puppet boy. Persons who habitually argue with
demons or devils could be suited up with muffled headpieces to squelch the
sudden shouts. Creative application of the basics outlined here would enable
the adminstrators of this plan to massage away almost ANY obstacle, and allow
them to artfully blend these people back into society.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From desmarai%iros1.UUCP%mcgill-vision.UUCP Wed Nov 16 10:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: desmarai%iros1.UUCP%mcgill-vision.UUCP (Stephane Desmarais)
Subject: Some black mail
Keywords: maybe
Date: 16 Nov 88 16:30:04 GMT
(I was first exposed to this joke when a friend of mine
put it in comic strip form for a french course homework.
I don't think he invented it himself.)
A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises
decides to open a door. He says "Wow, it's dark here!"
You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in that room...
The man asks, "What do you want? Here's a buck, leave us alone."
A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says:
"Wow, it's dark here!" "Not you again! Here, take this and
go buy yourself something." And the boy goes out with 2 bucks.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened
to his mother. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church,
and confess yourself."
So there he goes. Entering the boot, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!".
To which the priest says: "Are you following me around?"
--
Stephane M. Desmarais
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From toddm@tekig5.PEN.TEK.COM Wed Nov 16 21:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: toddm@tekig5.PEN.TEK.COM
Subject: What <ethnics> do best...
Keywords: ethnic, chuckle, sexual
Date: 17 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
My grandmother (age 70) told me this joke, original source unknown...
For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of making love with an <ethnic> man.
One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome <ethnic> who appeared
to be well-hung, so she figured, what the hell, she'd go for it. So Mary asked
the fellow to come home with her.
When the two got to Mary's apartment, Mary told the <ethnic> about her fantasy,
and asked if he would be a part of it. Well, the <ethnic>, of course, agreed,
so the two headed for Mary's bedroom. When they got there, Mary said, "Ok,
first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!" So the <ethnic> did
so. By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up
at the <ethnic> and said, "Now, big boy, do what you do best!"
So the <ethnic> picked up her VCR and left.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From wgm@mbunix.UUCP Thu Nov 17 10:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: wgm@mbunix.UUCP (Woodhouse)
Subject: Pastoral Visits
Keywords: gross, smirk
Date: 17 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
Organization: The MITRE Corporation, Bedford, Mass.
A pastor was visiting an elderly lady who was a "shut in." Since she didn't
get very many visitors, she went on incessantly about her problems while the
pastor nibbled on some peanuts on the coffee table in front of him. After
about a half hour, and with his endurance almost expended, he politely
interrupted, explaining that he had other appointments that afternoon and
said, "I'm afraid I've eaten most of your peanuts while I was listening and I
would like to leave you a couple of dollars so that you can get some more."
"No," replied the woman, "With my dentures I can't chew them. It's all I can
do just to suck the chocolate off them."
--
G. Mark Woodhouse
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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From ranjit@eniac.seas.upenn.edu Thu Nov 17 21:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: ranjit@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Ranjit Bhatnagar)
Subject: Jewish Mothers - from Leo Rosten
Keywords: smirk
Date: 18 Nov 88 03:30:03 GMT
One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers'
capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two
neckties on Chanuka.
"The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was
wearing, put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried
back. "Look, Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
"Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'"
from {ul Hooray For Yiddish} by Leo Rosten
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From johnson@ut-emx.UUCP Fri Nov 18 10:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: johnson@ut-emx.UUCP (Karen B. Johnson)
Subject: Pausing to honour a funeral
Keywords: smirk
Date: 18 Nov 88 16:30:04 GMT
This guy's wife was always wanting to go golfing with him and he
said he didn't think she would enjoy it. She kept pressuring
him and finally he gave in.
So they're on the golf course and on the first hole the guy hits
one 300 yards down the middle of the fairway, hits his second
shot three feet from the pin, and putts for a birdie. This
lucky streak continues and he birdies 5 straight holes.
Then they get to the 6th hole. He takes his driver and hooks
one way out into the left rough behind a barn. They search and
search and find the ball, and he says to his wife, "I'll just
take a penalty and drop the ball out in the fairway."
His wife says, "Wait a minute!" She walks over to the barn and
opens the door on one end and then goes to the other end and
opens that door too. She says, "Look, honey, you can see the
hole from here! The way you've been playing, just hit through
the barn and you'll do okay."
So he grabs a 3 iron and takes a healthy swat, and it ricochets
off the barn and hits his wife right between the eyes, killing
her instantly.
The grief-stricken man didn't play golf for several years after
his wife's death. Until one day, his friends finally talk him
into a foursome. They go to the same course, and amazingly,
he again birdies the first 5 holes. They get to the 6th tee and
he hits another vicious hook behind the same barn! They finally
find the ball and the guy says he will take a penalty drop in
the fairway. One of his buddies says, "Wait a minute!" and runs
and opens the barn doors.
The guy screams at him, "You dirty SOB, the last time I tried
that, I took a 9 on this hole!!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
From brad@looking.uucp Sat Nov 19 19:47:32 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: brad@looking.uucp (Brian Glendenning)
Subject: Updated Version of joke recently made famous
Keywords: original (sort of)
Date: 20 Nov 88 01:47:32 GMT
Followup-To: news.misc
A member of an ethnic group reputed to have a stingy reputation and a
member of an ethnic group often stereotyped as having a miserly cunning
went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the table waiting attendant came
by with the inevitable bill. To the amazement of all, the member of the
ethnic group reputed to have a stingy reputation was heard to say,
"I'll pay it," which he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"VENTRILOQUIST FROM ETHNIC GROUP OFTEN STEREOTYPED AS HAVING A
MISERLY CUNNING FOUND SEVERELY CHASTISED IN BLIND ALLEY."
[ If you don't understand why I posted this, check out the flamefest raging
in soc.culture.jewish over the original version of this joke. In that
group, richmond@athena.mit.edu and davidm@ihlpa.ATT.COM are demanding my
removal as moderator because I posted the original version of this joke.
Mr. J. Richmond has even intimated he will take action against me and Looking
Glass Software. Respond to them, not to me. ]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From migod@csri.toronto.edu Sun Nov 20 02:20:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: migod@csri.toronto.edu (Mike Godfrey)
Subject: Since it's election time...
Keywords: topical, chuckle, ever so mildly sexist
Date: 20 Nov 88 08:20:03 GMT
Q. Are there any historical precedents for the Soviet system of elections?
A. Yes, in the story of the creation. God made Eve, put her in the Garden of
Eden, and said to Adam: "Now choose a woman."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From jagardner@watmath.UUCP Sun Nov 20 10:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: jagardner@watmath.UUCP (Jim Gardner)
Subject: Think of the team from a few years ago
Keywords: funny
Date: 20 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
Heard on CBC Radio "Prime Time":
Why won't the NHL let Hamilton have a hockey franchise?
Because then Toronto would want one too.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From brian@greek.UUCP Sun Nov 20 21:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: brian@greek.UUCP
Subject: gaggle me with a spoon...
Keywords: chuckle, heard it, mildly sexual
Date: 21 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
Four Oxford professors (dons, whatever...) were taking their evening walk
together and as usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.
On this particular evening, their conversation was about the names given
to groups of animals, such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, and
posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded in
acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the
others nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor remarked
to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of the
four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your thoughts?"
The fourth professor replied, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
--
-Brian Smithson
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From svh@xait.UUCP Mon Nov 21 02:20:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: svh@xait.UUCP (Susan Hammond)
Subject: A Quail in my voice
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 21 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
(From: Miriam Lezak)
Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Don't remember how I got through school
I'm sure I didn't break the rules
But what's it matter 'cause my granny says
"Boy, if you want to you can be vice prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"
Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be
Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet
I can win their love for me
Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much about the constitution
Don't know much about th'economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be
Don't know much about the national debt
I've never had to pay one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
George and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be...
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From jokebook@looking.UUCP Mon Nov 21 02:43:12 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: funny@looking.UUCP (Funny Guy)
Subject: "1988 REC.HUMOR.FUNNY Computer Network Humour Annual" Jokebook Announcement
Keywords: administrivia, COMMERCIAL MESSAGE
Date: 21 Nov 88 08:43:12 GMT
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
Announcing the:
1988
REC.HUMOR.FUNNY
Computer Network Humour
Annual
I often get requests for back-jokes out of rec.humor.funny, so I have
gathered together over 600 of the better submissions from the last year
and a half, along with some unposted stuff and original cartoons, into a
compendium of this newsgroup's history. It's laser-typeset and takes up
around 160 full sized pages.
People ask me, "Why go to all the work of editing all those jokes for
typesetting if everybody's already read them?" Of course, they only
asked me this *after* I'd done all the work. I did this last year as
Christmas gifts for family and friends. (Somehow I don't think they meant
books when they said, "The best Christmas gifts are the ones you make
yourself.") Everybody really liked it, so this year I'm making them
available to net people too, for real cheap.
I think many people might want this book as a Christmas gift for their
own friends, or perhaps their enemies. (If you give it to your mother,
I advise you rip out the ROT13 section.) In light of this I am writing
introductory sections that explain USENET and the newsgroup to outsiders.
I have also isolated the Computer/Science/Math jokes and the USENET jokes
into their own chapters. Non-computer folks can avoid them, and you can
read these chapters in front of your friends while laughing riotously,
allowing you to feel superior.
If you started reading the group after it began, you'll find the jokes
that you missed in this book. (Many have said the early months had the
best submissions.) If you're looking for a back-joke, you should find
it in here, too. I don't relish being a joke-server, and I never re-post,
so this is now a route to get all the back-jokes at once. (It may even
keep repeats out of rec.humor.)
I have included a "Joka-Cola Classic" section, which contains most of
the good jokes that I rejected as "too well known to the net." When
I say that, it means I think about 50% of the readers will be tired of
the joke, but there are still many who can enjoy these.
I am also including about a dozen original cartoons and strips by world
famous comic artist Ty Templeton. (No relation.) (Ok. We share the same
parents.) Ty currently draws the Justice League for D.C. Comics and
has foolishly turned down offers to do syndicated strips for the L.A.
Times syndicate. Perhaps some of his fans from rec.arts.comics can
post reviews of his material to rec.humor.d.
And, of course, if far more people buy this book than I expect, I'll
actually recover the costs and effort of making it! Aside from the
hundreds of hours I have spent moderating this group for the last 15 months,
I have also put in about 60 hours of work making several *thousand* edits and
corrections (I'm not kidding) to the jokes to make them suitable for
typesetting. Have you ever tried to edit things typed by 500 different
people, 95% of whom can't spell or punctuate, into a common form for
typesetting? Don't try. (I'll explain in rec.humor.d why the net
postings aren't so carefully edited, if anybody wants to know.)
The book will cost $9.95 in U.S. funds. Shipping costs vary on where you
are. You can order it by mail, or via an 800 number with a major credit
card. Details on ordering are in a follow-up posting to this one. (RHF ONLY)
(If you think this price is high, go to your local instant printer and
ask how much to do a 160 page book with binding and cover in small quantities
You will get quotes OVER the price I'm asking.) Order soon if you want
your copy or copies in time for Christmas.
NOTE: The discussion of issues concerning copyright and book-ordering
on USENET already took place in rec.humor.d. That is the place if others
want to discuss those matters again. Do not send this message over the
ARPANET.
P.P.S: This book contains jokes with swearing, sexual references and sick
or offensive themes. Some jokes involve racism or sexism and are in a
special section that can be removed. This book is not suitable for children.
From jokebook@looking.UUCP Mon Nov 21 02:46:12 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: funny@looking.UUCP (Funny Guy)
Subject: USA and overseas ordering information for the "1988 R.H.F Annual"
Keywords: administivia, COMMERCIAL MESSAGE
Date: 21 Nov 88 08:46:12 GMT
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
(This posting is a companion to the announcement of the 1988 annual, which
should have come first.)
How to order the 1988 rec.humor.funny annual from inside the USA and overseas:
(Instructions for Canada will be posted with "can" distribution.)
You can use the mail, or order using my toll free 800 number with a
major credit card. I can send the book to you either by surface
mail (about 2 weeks) or air mail (just over 1 week) as you choose.
If you order by mail, mail a check or money order for $9.95 (US Funds)
per copy, plus the shipping/handling charges (see below) to:
Jokebook
c/o Looking Glass Software Ltd.
124 King St. N.
Waterloo, ON
N2J 2X8
Canada
Please include a mailing label for the return package. A stick on label
would be great, but a plain cut piece of paper would be fine. In your
order, include the number of copies you want, how you want them shipped,
and your EMAIL address in case there's any trouble.
Toll Free Ordering
You can dial 1-800-265-2782 from within the continental USA to order.
(Outside, dial 1-519-884-7473) This 800 number does not exist just for the
jokebook, so please try to keep it short so I can keep my costs down.
When you call, between 10 AM and 5 PM Eastern Standard Time, please have
ready with you:
The type, card number and expiry date of your credit card.
(MasterCard, Visa or American Express) Also give your name here
if it's being mailed to a different person.
The name and address to ship the book to.
The number of books and type of shipping.
Your EMAIL address in case there's any problem.
Here's the tricky part. If you order by credit card, you will be billed
in Canadian dollars. Your bank will do an exchange for you and bill you
in U.S. dollars. The current rate in the paper is around $0.81 USD = $1 CAN.
We will bill you at this rate ($12.25 CDN for the book), but your bank's
rate will vary.
You can also order by E-MAIL if you are crazy enough to include your
credit card information in non-secure USENET mail. Mail to
jokebook@looking.UUCP.
Sorry, we can't C.O.D. over the border.
SHIPPING/HANDLING CHARGES TO THE USA
Surface (Book) Rate Air Mail (1st Class)
1 - $2 1 - $4
2-4 - $4 2 - $7
5-6 - $6 3 - $9
4 - $10
If you order by credit card, the above prices will be converted to
Canadian dollars and charged as such on your credit card bill, to be
converted back to U.S. dollars by your bank as described above.
OVERSEAS SHIPPING CHARGES (U.S. Dollars)
1 Book Air Mail - $7
1 Book Surface - $4
2 Books Surface - $6
I won't bill your credit card or cash your check until we send the
book to you!
If a group wants to get together and order 20 or more, I can do a
discount and arrange cheaper or faster shipping, like UPS.
Yes, this is advertising on the net. With luck, it will cut down
joke duplications and calls for old jokes, saving the net money.
If you want to discuss this again, go to rec.humor.d. Do not send this
message over the ARPANET.
(NO, I didn't set all this up just to order books. I run a software
company, so all the mechanism for this is already in place.)
From "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM Mon Nov 21 10:30:07 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: More soviet jokes
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, funny
Date: 21 Nov 88 16:30:07 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal
Assistance.
Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked
me down and took my Russian watch.
Desk Sergeant: Come again?
Czech: Are you deaf? Out there in the street, a Swiss soldier
knocked me down and took my Russian watch.
Desk Sergeant: You're confused. It was a Russian soldier who
knocked you down and took your Swiss watch.
Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
--
Henry Cate III
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From bill@ssbn.WLK.COM Mon Nov 21 21:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: Submission - Talking to Fish
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 22 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
This was published in The South Texas Fisherman, sometime 1972. I'd
like to take credit for it but the "Bill Kennedy" author is Sr, I'm Jr.
TALKING TO FISH
by Bill Kennedy
A character in one of Shakespeare's plays, boasting of his accomplishments
said "I can call up monsters from the vasty deep." Any fisherman could have
given the answer: "So can I and so can any man, but will they come?" Men
and women have been calling to fish, pleading with them and swearing at them
without response since the beginning of time. A federally supported research
project may change that situation.
Working with the whale family (porpoise or dolphin), scientists in Florida
have set out to translate fish language. They are not far along yet but
have made some headway. Various clicks and whistles have been recorded
that indicate, at least in the whale family, one fish has a way to commun-
icating what is on his mind to another fish. If the research continues as
planned, it should be only a matter of time until man will be able to
reporoduce fish noises and communicate what is on his mind to bass, perch,
and catfish.
All right-minded fishermen agree that fish-talk research projects should
be cancelled and the scientists in it forced to seek other employment.
The reasoning behind this point of view is simple and sound. If the
research continues to its logical conclusion, fishing will cease to be
the pleasant and relaxing sport that it now is. Fishing will become a
business of bellowing speeches in fish language designed to convince fish
that they would be better off on the bank or in the boat than they are in
the water. In such circumstances any fool knows who the men that will
catch all the fish will be. They will be politicians!
--
Bill Kennedy
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From rn10+@andrew.cmu.edu Tue Nov 22 02:20:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: rn10+@andrew.cmu.edu (Ronald J. Notarius)
Subject: Elvis
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, topical, funny
Date: 22 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
Organization: Carnegie Mellon
Sorry guys, but there is now definitive, undeniable proof that Elvis is, indeed,
dead.
He was registered to vote in Chicago.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From fraser@engine.dec.com Tue Nov 22 10:30:06 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: fraser@engine.dec.com (Product Acoustics Group*MLO6-2/T13*223-8744)
Subject: Difference between US & UK...
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, smirk
Date: 22 Nov 88 16:30:06 GMT
Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation
UK - 100 miles is a long distance.
US - 100 years is a long time.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM Wed Nov 23 00:02:00 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: DATA statements...
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, true, chuckle
Date: 23 Nov 88 06:02:00 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
[ 3 Last minute additions to the R.H.F. 1988 Annual:
The Purity Test
Emily Postnews
A Joke Index.
This weekend is not a Holiday in Canada, BTW, so we'll be around
if you call. -ed ]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From petebob@sequent.UUCP Wed Nov 23 01:54:33 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: petebob@sequent.UUCP (Pete Apple)
Subject: Top 10 reasons not to remove me as moderator
Keywords: topical, racist, rot13, laugh, offense=people with no sense of humour
Date: 23 Nov 88 07:54:33 GMT
Organization: Sequent Computer Systems, Inc.
This joke was not written by me, but complete rights in it have been
transferred to me by the author. I declare it Copyright 1988 B. Templeton.
Under this copyright, the following licence is granted to most
participants in USENET to decrypt and read this joke. USENET readers
not on the list below may decrypt and read this joke. Any attempt by
a person whose name appears on the list below to decrypt or read this
joke, and any attempt by any other person to forward a copy of this
joke in decrypted form is a violation of copyright and expressly prohibited
by law. Those not licenced to read this joke are:
Jonathan E.D. Richmond
David Makowsky
Nancy M. Gould
Betsy R. Schwartz
This joke contains offensive material. Even those licenced to decrypt this
joke and read it do so at their own risk. Members of the Jewish religion
and semitic races may not wish to read this joke. This joke makes fun of
racism and people with no sense of humour.
Note also that person #2 on the list, David Makowsky, has claimed that
I was innacurate in stating that he, like J. Richmond, was demanding my
removal. I apologize. He did not "demand" it. He merely said, "how does
one go about removing a moderator," "maybe the moderator should be removed"
and that "[Templeton] is either an equal opportunity bigot or an
equal opportunity ignoramus." I apologize most sincerely.
Here it comes: (You really have to wade through a lot of disclaimers to get
to a joke these days!)
Sebz Qnivq Arggrezna:
Gbc 10 Ernfbaf gb abg ercynpr Oenq nf zbqrengbe:
10. N Erny Anmv pbhyq or chg va punetr.
9. Jr arrq whfg n srj zber Qna Dhnlyr wbxrf Erny Fbba Abj.
8. N erny Cnafl-Qb-Tbbqre-Aba-Bssrafvir glcr pbhyq or chg va punetr.
7. Ur'q ybfr uvf XXX xvpxonpx shaq.
6. Zl Zbz ynhturq ng guvf wbxr, ln pnyyva zl zbz n enpvfg, ohqql?
5. Xvyy 6 zvyyvba bs 'rz, naq gur erfg ybfr gurve frafr bs uhzbe. Wrrm.
4. Jurer ner lbh tbvat gb svaq nabgure sbby jub bjaf uvf bja pbzcnal?
3. Guvf vf nyy pnhfr bs Jne naq Erzrzorenapr, nva'g vg?
2. Prafbe Prafbefuvc!
Naq gur #1 ernfba:
1. erp.uhzbe.shaal: Fbzr crbcyr Whfg Qba'g Trg Vg.
[ Abgr, ol gur jnl, gung guvf wbxr pbagnvaf na napvrag uhzbhe grpuavdhr
xabja nf *fnepnfz* juvpu znl be znl abg or haqrefgbbq ol gur crbcyr ba
guvf yvfg. (Bs pbhefr, gurl'er abg ernqvat guvf.) -rq]
[ Abgr2: V bayl cbfgrq guvf nsgre cnffvat vg ol frireny bgure crbcyr, zbfg
bs jubz tnir vg uvtu engvatf. Anghenyyl V pna'g gehfg zl bja whqtrzrag ba
n gbcvp fb pybfr gb zlfrys. -rq]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From leonard%iros1.UUCP Wed Nov 23 02:20:05 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: leonard%iros1.UUCP (Nicolas Leonard)
Subject: American and Canadian Senate.
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 23 Nov 88 08:20:05 GMT
You know the difference between the American and the
Canadian Senate?
In the US, you have to win an election to get in.
In Canada, you have to lose one.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From jokebook@looking.UUCP Wed Nov 23 02:22:38 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton)
Subject: Important Item missing from Book order information
Keywords: administrivia
Date: 23 Nov 88 08:22:38 GMT
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
I left out one very important thing from the ordering information. If
you want to order by mail, make the cheque payable to Looking Glass Software
Limited, or to Brad Templeton. Not to "jokebook" as one person asked!
Also, as I noted in an earlier joke posting, my office is open Thursday &
Friday. Sorry to clog up the group like this. I usually try to keep the
volume nice and low, and based on what I've had to accept recently to keep
it at 60/month, perhaps I should keep it lower. Oh yeah, in the USA, it's
OK if you write a check instead of a cheque. I'll accept either.
--
Brad Templeton, Looking Glass Software Ltd. -- Waterloo, Ontario 519/884-7473
From david@mirror.TMC.COM Wed Nov 23 10:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: david@mirror.TMC.COM (David Chesler)
Subject: Toiletiquette
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, original, chuckle
Date: 23 Nov 88 16:30:04 GMT
Organization: Mirror Systems, Cambridge Mass.
In article <1521@imagine.PAWL.RPI.EDU> William_Johnsonats.rpi.edu@itsgw.rpi.edu writes:
I never did understand why it was supposed to be MEN that were responsible
for the keeping of the toilet seat! Some women consistently complain (note
the SOME) when men leave the seat up, and also complain when men don't put
the seat up to begin with. Now I find the second disgusting, no one wants
to sit on a wet toilet seat. But if the last person in the bathroom was
female, the men are expected to lift the seat.
OK, I didn't post this last time it came around, but here is the
sign I have in my bathroom.
As an historical note, I left a military sub-contractor (which is why
the notice is cast in Milspeak) and lived for 3 weeks with a friend of
the female persuasion, who constantly got on my case to keep the seat
down. I vowed revenge when I got my own apartment, so
----------------------------------------
NOTICE TO USERS
The Water Closet Site Administrator (WCSITADMIN) for this
commode equipment unit has elected a Most Recently Used (MRU)
protocol with regard to the seat placement for the equipments
at this site.
All users are requested to make determination as to their
gender and intended use before attempting to use these equipments.
Users should then determine the desired seat placement, based on
this information, and chart 1, attached. Having made this deter-
mination, users should compare the actual seat placement, as
determined by direct observation, with the desired seat placement
determined above, and take the appropriate action, based on chart
2, attached.
It should be noted that the MRU protocol confers the following
advantages vice the more commonly attempted INTHAMITH protocol:
Worst-case turn-around is improved, as in no case are
two seat-adjustments required.
Worst-case throughput is improved, for above reasons.
Average-case throughput (random gender and use) is
improved, as no compensating adjustments are performed.
Average-case throughput as measured is improved due to
uneven gender distribution among users of a given equipment.
Wear and tear on the adjustment mechanism is reduced,
yielding a greater MTBF.
User feedback is immediate and automatic, yielding a
higher compliance rate.
Comments should be addressed to the WCSITADMIN.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From @MCC.COM:werner%sw.MCC.COM@MCC.COM Wed Nov 23 12:29:15 1988
Flags: 000000000201
From: pcook@ringabella.sw.mcc.com (Pete Cook)
Subject: Nationalities
To: werner
Date: 21 Nov 88 15:30:30 GMT
Organization: MCC, Austin, TX
>From WSJ - 11/21/1988, quoted without permission
NAPLES, Italy - In heaven, the old joke goes, the police are British,
the cooks French, the lovers Italian, and it's all organized by the
Germans. In hell, the police are French, the cooks British, the
lovers German, and it's all organized by the Italians.
--
...Pete Cook Motorola Liaison Representative
pcook@mcc.com MCC-Software Technology Program
im4u!milano!pcook 512-338-3348
From rmach@polyslo.calpoly.edu Wed Nov 23 21:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: rmach@polyslo.calpoly.edu (Roger Mach)
Subject: Three rodents with defective visual perception
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 24 Nov 88 03:30:03 GMT
(sung to the tune of Three Blind Mice)
Three rodents with defective visual perception,
three rodents with defective visual perception.
Visualize how they perambulate,
Visualize how they perambulate.
They all perambulated after the agriculturalist's spouse,
she severed their spinal columns with a kitchen utensil.
Have you ever seen such a spectacle in your existence,
as three rodents with defective visual perception?
--
< Roger Mach > Heard around a campfire a long time ago...
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From suhre@trwrb.UUCP Thu Nov 24 02:20:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: suhre@trwrb.UUCP (Maurice E. Suhre)
Subject: Odds and Ends
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, true, chuckle, topical
Date: 24 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
Organization: TRW Space and Defense Sector, Redondo Beach, CA
A local throwaway paper has a column called News of the Weird which
may be syndicated. Excerpting...
George Bush's August message attempting to woo the support of the
National Letter Carriers missed its mark because campaign officials
sent the message by Federal Express, whose deliveries the union refuses
to accept.
--
Maurice Suhre
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From grant@looking.UUCP Thu Nov 24 10:30:05 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: grant@looking.UUCP (Grant Robinson)
Subject: Vaseline salesman
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 24 Nov 88 16:30:05 GMT
A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts
leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the
engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away.
It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real
warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the
oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a
phone.
Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter
are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this
morning," complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife.
"And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the daughter. So the
farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all
taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first
one to speak gets to do the dishes.
The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell.
No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles
into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one
answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to
the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he
can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by
her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while
later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having
sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He
thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another
half-hour. So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer
jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From swordfis@pnet51.cts.com Thu Nov 24 21:30:05 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: swordfis@pnet51.cts.com (Tim Mitchell)
Subject: A Modern Idea
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, smirk
Date: 25 Nov 88 03:30:05 GMT
Organization: People-Net [pnet51], Minneapolis, MN.
Guy walks into a restaurant. Orders eggs.
The waitress asks "How would you like those eggs cooked?"
The guy says "Hey, that would be great."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From sidhu@bnlux0.bnl.gov Fri Nov 25 02:20:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: sidhu@bnlux0.bnl.gov
Subject: Topical trick
Keywords: smirk, topical
Date: 25 Nov 88 08:20:03 GMT
This week is a perfect opportunity to find out the true age of those individuals
who are always evasive on the point. Just ask them what they were doing when
they heard about president Kennedy's assassination! They will be telling you
long before they realise that you can add 25 to what you can easily surmise
to be their age at the time of the said activity.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
From migod@csri.toronto.edu Fri Nov 25 10:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: migod@csri.toronto.edu (Mike Godfrey)
Subject: cleanliness is next to ...
Keywords: smirk
Date: 25 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
A great Soviet general was once asked by his adjutant, "Comrade General,
what is the meaning of Marxist dialectic?"
The general replied, "I will explain it to you with an example. A filthy
man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"
"Of course," replied the adjutant.
"No, you're wrong," said the general. "A filthy man is filthy by his nature,
and will not go in to the bath house. Only clean men, knowing the virtues of
cleanliness, will bathe."
"I understand, comrade general."
"Now, let me give you another example. A filthy man is standing outside
a bath house. Will he go in?"
"Absolutely not," replied the adjutant immediately.
"You're wrong again," said the general. "Why should a filthy man not
enter a bath house? He is dirty, the bath house is there to enable him to
become clean, and he will use it."
"I think I understand, comrade."
"Now, one last example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house.
Will he go in?"
"How the hell should I know?"
"Now, comrade, you truly understand the meaning of Marxist dialectic."
(A very similar joke from Leo Rosten's _The_Joys_Of_Yiddish_ (If you haven't
got a copy of this book, then drop everything and go out and buy a copy--it's
full of jokes, folk sayings and other assorted witticisms.))
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
From larry@uts.amdahl.com Sun Nov 27 10:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: larry@uts.amdahl.com (Larry Hardiman)
Subject: politics, dirty tricks
Keywords: swearing, true, chuckle
Date: 27 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
(Heard from a friend in New York in about 1970.)
When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress he called
his opponent a "pig fucker."
Lyndon's campaign manager said, "Lyndon, you know he doesn't do that!"
Johnson replied, "I know that, but I want to make him deny it."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From larry@uts.amdahl.com Sun Nov 27 10:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: larry@uts.amdahl.com (Larry Hardiman)
Subject: politics, dirty tricks
Keywords: swearing, true, chuckle
Date: 27 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
(Heard from a friend in New York in about 1970.)
When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress he called
his opponent a "pig fucker."
Lyndon's campaign manager said, "Lyndon, you know he doesn't do that!"
Johnson replied, "I know that, but I want to make him deny it."
--
From peterr@sco.UUCP Tue Nov 29 10:30:05 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: peterr@sco.UUCP
Subject: Healing by the pipes
Keywords: smirk
Date: 29 Nov 88 16:30:05 GMT
A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that
this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything
to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything
that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours.
The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would
make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the
room and play for the dying man.
When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his
eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced
around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the
tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a
miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play
the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2
Englishmen in for checkups died.
--
peter
uunet!sco!peterr
--
From 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca Thu Dec 1 05:30:06 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca (John Palmer)
Subject: It goes both ways
Keywords: sexual, chuckle, offense=men, swearing
Date: 1 Dec 88 11:30:06 GMT
(Urer'f n srznyr punhivavfg wbxr V unira'g frra ba gur arg:)
N engure ybhq-zbhgurq zna fjnttrerq vagb n juberubhfr naq naabhaprq
gb gur znqnz, "Oevat n ynql jvgu ernyyl ovt gvgf naq n ernyyl gvtug chffl!"
N srj zbzragf yngre gur zna jnf nccebnpurq ol bar bs gur rzcyblrrf:
"Rkphfr zr, fve. Ner lbh gur zna jvgu gur ovt zbhgu naq gur gval cevpx?"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From TheMessenger@cit5.cit.oz.au Thu Dec 1 10:30:04 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: TheMessenger@cit5.cit.oz.au (TheMessenger)
Subject: God and The Post Office
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 1 Dec 88 16:30:04 GMT
Organization: Chisholm Institute of Technology, Melb, Australia
A nice young worker from Australia Post ( yes they do exist ), was sorting
through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as
follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old
lady who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of
$100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
Well the young lady was deeply touched and made a collection from her
fellow workmates and collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady. A few
weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened
it and it read "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it, however
I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
--
From msmith@topaz.rutgers.edu Wed Dec 7 19:35:24 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: msmith@topaz.rutgers.edu (Mark Robert Smith)
Subject: Re: Rec.humor.funny is dead, film at 11
Keywords: dead, cut-off, pressure tactics
Date: 8 Dec 88 01:35:24 GMT
Organization: M. R. Smith Consulting, New Brunswick, NJ
Well, it seems that JEDR got his way... I saw this in rec.humor.d,
and thought it oughta be brought over here.
Maybe one of Brad's supporters will come forward and give him a feed?
Mark
--------------------------------------------------------------------
In article <10279@watdragon.waterloo.edu> jyegiguere@lotus.waterloo.edu (Eric Giguere) writes:
| Well, if anyone's been wondering why rec.humor.funny's been inactive,
| here's the reason:
|
| "Joke editor loses access to computer"
|
| This is on the front page of today's Kitchener-Waterloo Record. I won't
| quote the whole article, but the gist of it is that Brad Templeton has
| lost his access to the University of Waterloo's UNIX systems, and hence
| to USENET. To quote the article:
|
| "And the university won't renew Brad Templeton's status unless
| he agrees to stop transmitting offensive racial jokes through
| the UW computer system, university officials were expected to
| announce at a press conference today."
|
| On top of that, the UW's president is forming a committee to "look into the
| whole question of computer facilities and how they're being used".
|
| Then they talk about the Scotish/Jewish and Black/Italian jokes again.
|
| Looks like rec.humor.funny is permanently disconnected. Unless someone
| starts it up somewhere else, or Brad finds a link to another computer system.
|
| --
| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Eric Giguere 268 Phillip St. #CL-46, Waterloo, Ont. N2L 6G9
| jyegiguere@lotus.waterloo.edu (519) 746-0792
| GIGUERE@WATCSG.BITNET "No, that's not how you pronounce it..."
--
Mark Smith (alias Smitty) "Be careful when looking into the distance,
RPO 1604; P.O. Box 5063 that you do not miss what is right under your nose."
New Brunswick, NJ 08903-5063 {backbone}!rutgers!topaz.rutgers.edu!msmith
msmith@topaz.rutgers.edu R.I.P. Individual Freedoms - 11/8/88
From nyssa@terminus.UUCP Thu Dec 8 08:11:21 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: nyssa@terminus.UUCP (The Prime Minister)
Subject: Re: Rec.humor.funny is dead, film at 11
Keywords: dead, cut-off, pressure tactics
Date: 8 Dec 88 14:11:21 GMT
Organization: Terminus
In article <Dec.7.20.35.11.1988.22843@topaz.rutgers.edu> msmith@topaz.rutgers.edu (Mark Robert Smith) writes:
>Well, it seems that JEDR got his way... I saw this in rec.humor.d,
>and thought it oughta be brought over here.
Well, if Brad can read this, according to my understanding of the
laws down here, you will win a law suit for libel and defamation of
character. Under these circumstances, since JEDR's attacks on your
character have injured your corporate image, I would seriously
advocate such a suit, and would be willing to be a witness.
>Maybe one of Brad's supporters will come forward and give him a feed?
If I could, I would. (terminus and rolls are both quite full!)
--
James C. Armstrong, Jr nyssa@terminus.UUCP
From kean@tank.uchicago.edu Thu Dec 8 10:58:30 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: kean@tank.uchicago.edu (keane arase)
Subject: Re: Nuke Waterloo?
Summary: Has anyone called LGS for a rebuttal?
Date: 8 Dec 88 16:58:30 GMT
Organization: University of Chicago
In article <18002@agate.BERKELEY.EDU> gsmith@garnet.berkeley.edu (Gene W. Smith) writes:
>In article <2188@unmvax.unm.edu>, mike@turing (Michael I. Bushnell) writes:
>
>
> Any ideas on what to do about U. Waterloo's bad net
>citizenship? It seems to me a site which wants to be a
>self-appointed censorship board may be better off the net,
>despite the trouble that would cause to innocent bystanders.
>--
>ucbvax!garnet!gsmith Gene Ward Smith/Brahms Gang/Berkeley CA 94720
>ucbvax!bosco!gsmith Institute of Pi Research
Has anyone called Brad up at LGS for a rebuttal of U. Waterloo's action?
Even though he has no net access, he should be given some sort of path
to comment on U. Waterloo's inappropriate actions.
BTW, I agree with Gene. Something should be done with an *educational*
institution who wants to inhibit free opinion.
---
Keane Arase, Systems Programmer
University of Chicago Computing Organizations
Acedemic and Public Computing, Technical Project Support
kean@tank.uchicago.edu
syskean@uchimvs1.uchicago.edu
** Please file the standard disclaimers here **
From jwas@pbhyf.PacBell.COM Thu Dec 8 12:16:32 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: jwas@pbhyf.PacBell.COM (J. Wasik)
Subject: Re: Rec.humor.funny is dead, film at 11
Keywords: dead, cut-off, pressure tactics
Date: 8 Dec 88 18:16:32 GMT
Organization: Pac*Bell (ISO, SBS UNIX District)
>In article <10279@watdragon.waterloo.edu> jyegiguere@lotus.waterloo.edu (Eric Giguere) writes:
> "Joke editor loses access to computer"
Somewhere there is a fellow laughing at all of us...
--
Joe Wasik - PacBell, 2600 Camino Ramon, 4e750, San Ramon, CA 94583 415-823-2422
jwas@pbhyf.PacBell.COM or {att,bellcore,sun,ames,pyramid}!pacbell!jwas
From bill@ssbn.WLK.COM Thu Dec 8 12:35:55 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: Re: Nuke Waterloo?
Summary: Let's not do any harm
Date: 8 Dec 88 18:35:55 GMT
Followup-To: news.admin
Organization: W.L. Kennedy Jr. and Associates, Pipe Creek, TX
In article <18002@agate.BERKELEY.EDU> gsmith@garnet.berkeley.edu (Gene W. Smith) writes:
>In article <2188@unmvax.unm.edu>, mike@turing (Michael I. Bushnell) writes:
>
>
> Any ideas on what to do about U. Waterloo's bad net
>citizenship? It seems to me a site which wants to be a
>self-appointed censorship board may be better off the net,
>despite the trouble that would cause to innocent bystanders.
First let me say that I am as offended and outraged as any of us over this
sorry state of affairs. I volunteered ssbn some time back and offered to
pay the LD to hook up looking again because I feared the situation would
deteriorate as it has done.
Brad very graciously and thoughtfully replied and essentially told me
to "cool it", I might do more harm than good. I wish I had saved the
note but he asked me not to. I shall attempt a very poor paraphrase
of what he said. I'm sure it won't be as accurate but you'll get the
drift and I think that's what's important here.
First my own thoughts, then essentially what Brad said. I think that the
folks at watmath caved in to a misinformed public opinion made up by an
ignorant news media. I honestly believe that if you could wring the truth
out of them that they are really on Brad's side. Obviously we can't
wring the truth out of them because it would leak to the media and further
inflame what they are trying to extinguish. It appears to us like they
have just completed the character assasination started by JEDR and others.
I'm sure that this appearance grieves and angers them as much as it does
us. They are an educational institution and when nonsense like this
appears to dilute or pollute their primary function they have to stick by
their priorities. Their priorities even if that means doing something that
isn't what you or I (or they) might think is "right". An unpleasant but very
real situation and decision. We're all faced with them from time to time.
Sorry for that, I promised to share Brad's feelings. First off I think
that he should get a round of applause from us for being so level headed
about this. He pointed out that the netters know more about the situation
and the culture of usenet than anyone involved. The situation is so
ridiculous that it provokes us to outrage and cry vengeance. This behavior
on our part, how ever justified, is perceived by the outside world to be
precisely what JEDR claims, i.e. we (inadvertantly) confirm his story and
vouch for his credibility. The operative word there is "perceived".
Regardless of how well intentioned, morally correct, or justifiably
indignant we might be, that's how it's perceived outside our own community.
In short, we're hurting him by trying to help. I must very reluctantly
agree with Brad and concede that while it's wrong, it's that way :-( :-(
As dearly as I'd love to fry the people who started this I will not further
their cause by doing so. BTW, the :-('s are mine, they conclude what Brad
said last week. Gene Spafford pleaded with us for moderation and asked us
all to shut up and let this blow over, he is correct too. With great
reluctance I will do that (in a few sentences :-) and find something to do
with my outrage... an obscure part of the Hippocratic commitment is
"Prima non nocere", First do no harm. I propose that we treat JEDR and
the prepetrators of this atrocity like the pariahs that they are, but not
try to exact vengeance on others who got swept up in it. *NOW* I'll shut up.
Apologies to Gene Smith, his just happened to be the article that suggested
precisely what Brad doesn't want.
--
Bill Kennedy usenet {killer,att,cs.utexas.edu,sun!daver}!ssbn!bill
internet bill@ssbn.WLK.COM
From bill@ssbn.WLK.COM Thu Dec 8 13:49:55 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: Rec.humor.funny fiasco
Keywords: cool it
Date: 8 Dec 88 19:49:55 GMT
Organization: W.L. Kennedy Jr. & Associates, Pipe Creek, TX
Earlier today I posted a plea for moderation in this ridiculous
(and outrageous) matter. That was essentially asking us to all
shut up. So here, on the heels of asking everyone to shut up,
yet another article. I want to reach the people who are still
reading about this, the admins and readers. What I am going to
describe is completely speculation on my part, I have nothing
to confirm what I'm describing.
The earlier post asked that we not inadvertantly injure Brad and
or his situation by raving or threatening retaliation. I will
propose a more sinister but entirely possible scenario which may
even be true.
Fact: JEDR and Brad have been conspicuously silent lately.
Fact: Someone posted a few days ago suggesting that if a
situation got too far out of hand that legal remedies
could be pursued.
Speculation: Maybe legal remedies are being pursued and that's
why neither party has anything to say. Further, if that
is the case we might be doing a severe disservice to what
ever side we favor by caterwauling about one or the other.
Wouldn't you feel like an utter fool if the article you
posted turned out to be the legal evidence that caused
the remedy to not go in the direction you supported?
I do not want to sound like you're being read your rights but if the
speculation happens to be accurate then we might be hoist by our own
petard making threatening or damaging remarks. I'm not proposing that
we shut down the discussion, but I am asking that we be very careful
to not provide any fuel for the fire that exists or for another that
we don't even know about. I don't think the speculation is too far
fetched or I wouldn't have asked for your time to read it.
--
Bill Kennedy usenet {killer,att,cs.utexas.edu,sun!daver}!ssbn!bill
internet bill@ssbn.WLK.COM
From smf@saffron.lcs.mit.edu Thu Dec 8 21:58:14 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: smf@saffron.lcs.mit.edu (Stuart Freedman)
Subject: ashes to ashes...
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 9 Dec 88 03:58:14 GMT
After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died
suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and
placed the remains in a small urn.
Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink
coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room,
removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into
a small dish on the coffee table.
"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike,
do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well,
here it is, Mike. do you like it?
"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years
you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike.
Do you like it?
"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air,
"there's that blow job I was promising you."
--
From roy@phri.UUCP Thu Dec 8 22:00:15 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: roy@phri.UUCP (Roy Smith)
Subject: Dope in the Supreme Court
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 9 Dec 88 04:00:15 GMT
This is a true story. Last night I was in a minor accident on the
highway. We both pulled off to the side and as soon as I smelled the other
guy's breath it was obvious he had been smoking pot. When the cops finally
showed up, I told one of them this and he said, "and just how do *you* know
what pot smells like". I told him I used to use it before I was nominated
to the Supreme Court.
--
Roy Smith, System Administrator
Public Health Research Institute
--
From "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM Sun Dec 11 05:30:12 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: And a few soviet jokes
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 11 Dec 88 11:30:12 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
The five rules of Socialism:
1. Don't think
2. If you do think, don't speak
3. If you think and speak, don't write
4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign
5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised
----------------------------------------------
Why is Poland just like the United States?
In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you
want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
--
Henry Cate III
--
From hinojosa@hp-sdd.hp.com Sun Dec 11 18:30:06 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: hinojosa@hp-sdd.hp.com (Daniel Hinojosa)
Subject: Offensive to Construction workers and Leprechauns
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, smirk, gross
Date: 12 Dec 88 00:30:06 GMT
Organization: HP, San Diego
(where "pppphhhhhbbbttttt" equals sticking you tounge between your
lips and blowing air. A pseudo Bronx cheer.)
A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
up the the bar and sets on down. He proceeds to order a beer for
himself and for the little Leprechaun.
Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally
the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, trots down the bar
and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks
at the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbttttttt" right to the
big guy's face.
Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy's shoulder.
The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on
this breach of manners.
After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbbttt"
to the construction workers face.
The Leprechaun trots on back and hops back on his buddy's shoulder.
The construction worker is visably bothered, but decides not to
do anything again.
Well shure enough, the guy and the Leprechaun drink another beer.
Soon enough the Leprechaun hops down, trots in front of the construction
worker and goes, "pppphhhhbbbttttt!" to his face. Well, this time the
big guy has had enough of the little guy's manners and walks over
to the fellow with the Leprechaun, again on his shoulder.
The construction worker tells this fella, "If your little friend
does that again, I'm gonna cut off his little dick!" The fellow
tells the big guy "Well Leprechauns don't have dicks." The big
guy asks, "Well how does he go pee?" The fellow with the Leprechaun
on his shoulder looks at the big guy and goes, "ppppphhhhbbbbtttttt."
--
From funkstr@ucscb.UCSC.EDU Mon Dec 12 02:20:06 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: funkstr@ucscb.UCSC.EDU (-=/ The G*A*L*A*C*T*I*C Funkster /=-)
Subject: Santa Clause has got a gun
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 12 Dec 88 08:20:06 GMT
---------------------------------------------------
By Lore Shoberg, velcro@ucscb.ucsc.EDU
SANTA CLAUS IS WEILDING A GUN
(to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town")
Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He's gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
Don't give him any trouble
He'll blow you right away
Don't give him any cause to shoot
Or you'll make his Christmas Day
Oh, you better believe
He's packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He doesn't want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn't want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)
He doesn't trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudoulph was a red
Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
--
(c) 1987 Lore Shoberg, velcro@ucscb.ucsc.EDU
--
From aat@mace.cc.purdue.edu Mon Dec 12 05:30:08 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: aat@mace.cc.purdue.edu (Jeff Smith)
Subject: true story
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 12 Dec 88 11:30:08 GMT
My friend Bruce tells a story of when he was a teenager and he and his
brother were looking at magazines in a drugstore, under a big sign that
said "No Loitering". An older, female drugstore employee came up to
them, said "Can't you read?", and pointedly looked up at the sign.
Bruce's brother Norm--who didn't really know what loitering meant--
looked at her, looked at the sign, looked back at her, and said: "So,
who's smoking?" She was so flustered that she left them alone.
----------
Jeff Smith
Purdue University, 210 Math Science, W. Lafayette, IN
--
From steven@uts.amdahl.com Mon Dec 12 18:30:07 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: steven@uts.amdahl.com (Fearless Leader)
Subject: Oprah the door and let me come in...
Keywords: smirk
Date: 13 Dec 88 00:30:07 GMT
>From the San Francisco Chronicle's Personals column of 11/29/88:
Lenore Skenazy of Advertising Age recently asked readers for suggestions for
the next "Geraldo!" segment. Among their ideas:
+ "Elvis: What's Goind Down?" A look into the King's final resting
place ... or is it?
+ "Even I Hate My Guts!" To prove it, Geraldo goes under local
anesthetic and provides controversial commentary as surgeons
remove his large and small intestines.
+ "Nose for News" Geraldo challenges Morton Downey, Jr. to break his
nose, too.
+ "Sirhan Sirhan Is Innocent!" Geraldo blows the lid off the Robert
Kennedy assassination coverup by proving that only people with
three names can be infamous killers, e.g. Lee Harvey Oswald,
James Earl Ray, Mark David Chapman, John Wayne Gacy, etc.
Using this theory, Geraldo identifies three potential culprits:
Sandra Day O'Connor, David Lee Roth and Sammy Davis, Jr.
--
Steven Swinkels
--
From ph@uowcsa.oz.au Mon Dec 12 20:53:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: ph@uowcsa.oz.au (Phillip Herring)
Subject: A young JEDR woman gets married...
Keywords: sexual, ethnic, chuckle
Date: 13 Dec 88 02:53:34 GMT
{ed A "JEDR" (pronounced "Jedder") is a generic member of a lampooned
identifiable group. It stands for "Joke Ethnic/Denomination/Race" and
can refer to members of any such group, and others. This acronym does
not refer to any specific person or group. }
Well, a young JEDR woman got married, you see, and as is traditional
with JEDR custom, she was a virgin and new nothing of the ways of
Luv.
On her wedding night, she ran downstairs to her mother and cried,
"Momma, momma, what do I do?"
Her mother replied, "Don't you worry, girl. Just lie back and enjoy
yourself."
So the girl went back upstairs to where her husband was waiting.
When she entered the room, she found that he'd removed his shirt,
and his arms and chest were very broad, and very hairy.
She ran screaming back down the stairs.
"Momma, momma," she cried. "He's gotta BIG HAIRY CHEST!"
Her mother calmly replied, "Don't you worry, girl. He's gotta a
big hairy chest, that just mean he gotta BIIIIG love muscle. You
go back uppa there and have a good time."
So back up the stairs she went. This time, when she entered the room,
her husband had removed his trousers, and she saw his strong, muscly,
hairy legs.
She ran screaming back down the stairs.
"Momma, momma," she cried. "He's gotta THICK HAIRY LEGS!!"
Her mother calmly replied, "Don't you worry, girl. He's gotta
thick hairy legs, that just mean he gotta LARGE junket pump. You
go back uppa there and lie down and enjoy yourself."
So back up she goes. As she enters the room, she sees his feet for
the first time - and one of them is half missing!
She ran screaming back down the stairs.
"Momma, momma," she cried. "He's gotta FOOT AND A HALF!!"
Her mother rushed upstairs with the words, "Outa my way, girl.
This is a job for your momma!"
(Told to me by my girlfriend, who was told by a young JEDR girl.)
--
Rev. Dr. Phil Herring, Dept. of Computing Science, University of Wollongong
ph@uowcsa.oz
--
From tracy@ut-emx.UUCP Tue Dec 13 05:30:07 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: tracy@ut-emx.UUCP (Tracy LaQuey)
Subject: Airplane humor
Keywords: smirk
Date: 13 Dec 88 11:30:07 GMT
Airplane Humor
-------------
Question: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth?
Answer: The cockpit door.
Pilot's bumper sticker:
Don't tell my mother I'm an airline pilot. She thinks
I'm a piano player in a whore house.
Heard from the flight attendant:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until the captain
has come to a complete stop. We don't want you arriving at the gate
before the plane does."
[ It's my opinion that "Please remain seated until the airplane has arrived
at the gate" are the 11 most ignored words in the English language. - ed ]
--
Tracy LaQuey
Computation Center, The University of Texas at Austin
--
From albert@endor.UUCP Tue Dec 13 18:30:05 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: albert@endor.UUCP (David Albert)
Subject: Generic Jokes
Keywords: ethnic, chuckle
Date: 14 Dec 88 00:30:05 GMT
(I hope these aren't too offensive. Perhaps they should be rotated.)
(1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly
considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another
person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set
of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in
a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic
group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered
to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his
companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first
meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with
his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his
membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took
offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!
(2) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take
to perform a particular menial activity?
A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the
rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!
--
/David
albert@harvard.harvard.edu
--
From migod@csri.toronto.edu Wed Dec 14 05:30:07 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: migod@csri.toronto.edu (Mike Godfrey)
Subject: One of our parrots is missing
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 14 Dec 88 11:30:07 GMT
Status: O
A Russian man loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the
neighbourhood, in the park, everywhere. He just can't find the parrot.
Finally, he goes around to the local KGB office, and tells the desk officer
his problem.
The desk officer is a little puzzled. "Look comrade, I'm sorry you lost
your pet, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports."
"Oh, I know that", says the man. "I just wanted you to know, if you do
happen to find my parrot -- I don't know where he could have picked up his
political ideas."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From prv@philabs.philips.com Wed Dec 14 18:30:03 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: prv@philabs.philips.com (Paul Veldman)
Subject: Feeling guilty
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 15 Dec 88 00:30:03 GMT
Status: O
Source: A Dutch cook-book
Maitre de Cuisine (Chief Cook) of a famous restaurant
to a salesperson in the Stationery Department :
"Do you have 97 of these 'Get Well Soon'-cards ? ....."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From mlindsey@X102A.UUCP Tue Jan 10 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mlindsey@X102A.UUCP (Steve Lindsey 04396)
Subject: Some comments from Julius
Keywords: chuckle, sexual
Date: 11 Jan 89 00:30:06 GMT
These are all true Groucho Marx anecdotes garnered from "The Portable
Curmudgeon" compiled by Jon Winokur.
- *********************************
Groucho Marx was having problems sexually (premature ejaculation).
Someone recommended a topical creme guaranteed to prolong erection. When asked
later whether it worked, Groucho replied, "I came rubbing the stuff on."
- *********************************
A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a
woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the
woman explained sheepishly.
"I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a
while."
--
Steve Lindsey
--
From jsb@actnyc.UUCP Thu Jan 12 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: jsb@actnyc.UUCP (The Invisible Man)
Subject: Anouncing badnews
Keywords: usenet, original, chuckle
Date: 13 Jan 89 00:30:05 GMT
Announcing badnews*, a realistic approach to Usenet.
Why badnews?
The news software currently in use freely mixes policy with mechanism and
actually creates obtacles for its user community. In practice, this inhibits
no one and merely results in frustration which, as has been clinically proved,
leads to aggression. The time has come to give users what they really want.
Badnews fixes the following bugs in previous news software:
1) Due to a bug, previous news read/post programs limited the 'cancel' command
to the users own postings. Badnews fixes this problem.
2) Previous signatures were limited to 4 lines. Badnews supports arbitrarily
large signatures. If your signature is too small, badnews will pad it with
such cute sayings as "flames >/dev/null" and the like.
3) Previous software insisted that followup additions be longer than included
text. In this interim release, badnews fixes this restriction by
automatically generating extra lines of cute sayings like "inews fodder".
4) To avoid wasting bandwidth caused by articles failing to reach their
intended target, badnews will refuse to post articles not crossposted to
at least 4 newsgroups.
5) Due to a design error, previous news software actually discouraged thoughtful
postings and selected for ego-maniacs and one-true-wayists by trying to
intimidate the poster asking if they "really wanted to do this". Badnews
will be more supportive and say "Thank you for sharing."
6) Current software encourages a bandwidth wasting redundancy by requiring a
'Subject:' line when the actual subject (if any) can always be inferred
from the article itself. Badnews eliminates this redundancy by
automatically generating a contentless or irrelevant 'Subject:' such as
"Help needed", "Posting", or "This line intentionally left blank".
New commands available:
1) The 'Sue' command automatically initiates a lawsuit against the author of
the currently read message.
2) The 'Expand' command automatically decrypts many common abbreviations which
may appear in the currently read message, such as: IMHO, PC, SO, BTW, MOTAS,
BMW, MES
3) The 'Suicide' command automatically deposits the users name in other
users' kill files. In this interim release, this command is limited to
adding your name to Ted Kaldis's kill file.
4) The 'Notify' command contacts powerful people associated with the currently
read message. Current options include: notify employer, notify sysadmin,
and notify the press.
5) The 'Sexchange' command automatically switches the genders in the message
currently being read. The interim release limits this function to two
genders.
New posting aids:
Many postings are actually the same or similar to messages sent before. In
order to make such duplication easier, Badnews provides automatic posting on
common topics selected from a menu. Menus currently available will cover
1) Hoaxes/urban legends
2) Requests for money
3) Jokes about strings
4) Commonly asked questions (e.g. How do I get my current directory to print
out in my prompt?)
5) A SERIOUS DILEMMA FOR THE NET
6) Appropriate flames to respond to the user using 1-5 above
7) Appropriate counter flame to respond to user using 6 above
Future enhancements will include:
1) Kill with prejudice which will notify via mail (with appropriate nasty
epithets) the author of any article being killed.
2) Kill by gender, ethnic group, political slant
3) Auto-forge to fake the header of real or non-existent persons.
4) The 'Pull' command to pull another user's net account.
5) Kill with extreme prejudice, to actually terminate the life of a user.
6) Starwars, to build a shield to protect oneself from 1-5 above.
Followups or requests for Beta versions should go to alt.paranoid.
- Badnews is a trademark of Charletanics
--
From danny@masscomp.UUCP Sun Jan 15 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: danny@masscomp.UUCP (Dan Pearl)
Subject: David's LAST Wish
Keywords: original, funny
Date: 15 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT
Organization: Concurrent Computer Corp. - Westford, Ma
{ed Forwarded from misc.misc by Jamie Walsh.}
>From the Winchendon Observer, 19 December 1988:
12 Year Old Guinness Record Holder Dead
(AP) December 18, 1988 - Streetly, England - Mario Morby, a 12 year old
record holder in the "Guinness Book of World Records", was killed yesterday
when he asphyxiated under the weight of hundreds of thousands of postcards
that accidentally toppled on him. Morby, a cancer patient currently
in remission, collected the postcards from supporters all over the world
who took sympathy on his condition. The bulk of Morby's collection,
estimated at over 2 million with 30,000 arriving daily, was turned over
to an auction house for disposal. Morby had retained about 500,000 of
the nicer ones.
Florida Child's Wish Come True, Inc. publicized Mario's
wish for postcards. "Had we realized the trouble that we caused,
we would have never gotten involved," said Frances Keefe, the founder of
the Spring Hill, Florida organization that specializes in satisfying the
last wishes of dying children. They used the pseudonym "David" when
requesting postcards on Morby's behalf. "It makes us heartsick," Keefe
continued, "to realize that we have contributed to this gentle child's
death. He was in remission, and his spirits were up. Those postcards
were his life."
Morby's body was discovered by the family dog, who notified
the district constable. Foul play is not suspected.
Ross McWhirter, author of the "Guinness Book of World Records", said in
a prepared statement that "it is ironic that Morby's record has been
overshadowed by that of another boy named 'David' who is dying of
leukemia. In tribute to Morby, however, we have decided to enter him
in a new catagory in the mid-year 1989 update edition:
'Most Senseless Death'."
Contributions in Morby's memory may be made to Florida Child's Wish
Come True, Inc., P.O. Box 5997, Spring Hill, FL, USA.
--
Daniel Pearl ...!uunet!masscomp!danny
--
From bogart%gr@cs.utah.edu Mon Jan 16 05:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: bogart%gr@cs.utah.edu (Rod G. Bogart)
Subject: pirate's interview
Keywords: heard it, smirk
Date: 16 Jan 89 11:30:03 GMT
The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who
was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red,
"I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg."
"Well, I was thrown from the ship during galeforce winds, and before me
mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off."
The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the
end of your right arm?"
"I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard."
Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting
story about the patch on your eye?"
"One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye."
The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?"
"Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From argyriou@violet.Berkeley.EDU Mon Jan 16 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: argyriou@violet.Berkeley.EDU (Anthony Argyriou)
Subject: Communist Quiz (Not "Who won the F.A. cup?")
Keywords: chuckle, offense=trotskyites
Date: 17 Jan 89 00:30:04 GMT
(48pt) ME? A GREAT LEADER?
(12 pt) "ME, START A VANGUARD PARTY TO LEAD THE WORKING CLASS TO
REVOLUTION? YOU MUST BE KIDDING!"
JUST IMAGINE BEING A RESPECTED AND BELOVED FATHERLY LEADER UNDER WHOSE
WISE GUIDANCE THE REVOLUTIONARY MASSES WILL FORGE AHEAD DAILY WITH THE
FIERY ZEAL OF A "SPEED-UP" CAMPAIGN!!!!
(10 pt)
Over the past few years, Party Builders Associates has aided countless
individuals and groups to form vanguard parties intelligently tailored
to their own needs. These people are now leading creative, happy lives
fighting one another. What we've done for others, we can do for you.
A few minutes filling out the following questionnaire may be the best
investment you'll ever make. Your answers will enable Party Builders
Associates, preserving strict confidentiality, to work out a party
program that is JUST RIGHT for you and your friends.
And now, here's the questionnaire. We advise using a pencil, since these
are by no means easy questions, and your party will not be able to alter
the positions taken here without seriously damaging your credibility
among the workers.
1) The Russian Revolution turned away from socialism in:
___(a) 1917
___(b) 1927
___(c) 1953
___(d) 1957
___(e) It hasn't yet, but my group will be te first to denounce it when it does
2) Black people are:
___(a) A nation
___(b) A nation of a new type
___(c) A super-exploited sector of the working class
___(d) Petit-bourgeios
___(e) A colony
___(f) Please send me more information about this controversial group
3) The main danger facing the workers' vanguard in the present epoch is:
___(a) Right opportunism
___(b) "Left" sectarianism
___(c) Right opportunism masking as "left" sectarianism
___(d) My parents
___(e) Other (please specify)
4) Rather than focus on narrow economic issues, my party will offer a cultural
critique of life in advanced capitalist countries. The following are signs of
capitalist decadence:
___(a) Feminism
___(b) Trotskyism
___(c) Pornographic movies
___(d) Recent price increases in pornographic movies
___(e) Other (please give exact details)
5) I would like to include the following in the title of my party:
___(a) Labor
___(b) Workers
___(c) Revolutionary
___(d) Socialist
___(e) Communist
___(f) Vanguard
___(g) Progressive
___(h) October(November)
___(i) United
___(j) International
___(k) World
___(l) Movement
___(m) M
___(n) L
___(o) All of the above
[reprinted from "The Fifth Estate", Detroit, MI, whatever the hell that is]
[ Reputedly now defunct ]
--
From bill@ssbn.WLK.COM Tue Jan 17 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: Conventioneers
Keywords: heard it, chuckle, sexual
Date: 18 Jan 89 00:30:05 GMT
Three conventioneers had finally managed to tire their wives to go back to
the hotel and finally located a house of negotiable affection. The madam
was crestfallen.
"Sorry fellows, all the girls are busy... No one left but me."
"Gee, we spent most of the evening getting rid of our wives and we're leaving
tomorrow, isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well there's always me, I give specials..."
The first guy decided he'd go for it and when he came back downstairs he had
a grin ear to ear.
"How was it? How much was it?"
"It was great! I got the $25 special. She has this can of Readi-Whip and
she sprays it all around and then licks it off, great!"
The second fellow doesn't hesitate, bolts up the stairs and is back after a
while, grinning like the first.
"How was it? How much was it?"
"It was super! I got the $50 special. Same as Jack, the Readi-Whip, but
she had some chopped walnuts that she sprinkled on it. Nibbled off the
walnuts and licked off the Readi-Whip, faantaaastic!"
The third could not be constrained, he raced up the stairs and came back
shortly thereafter, chin between his knees.
"Gosh! What happened? What went wrong?"
"Well, I got the $75 special, kinda like what you guys got but she starts
with a pineapple ring. Then there's the Readi-Whip, the chopped walnuts,
but she's got some chocolate sprikles and a cherry she puts on top. Damn!
it looked so good I ate it myself..."
--
Bill Kennedy ...{killer,att,cs.utexas.edu,sun!daver}!ssbn!bill
or bill@ssbn.WLK.COM
--
From coltoff@prc.unisys.com Wed Jan 18 18:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: coltoff@prc.unisys.com (Joel Coltoff)
Subject: Let's pick on the ecomomists
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 19 Jan 89 00:30:03 GMT
An economist is back in his old college town many years after
graduation and decides to drop in on one of his old professors. He
happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk so he picks
it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar he comments
to the professor that it is the same exam that he had taken 10 years
ago. The professor assures him that this is correct but adds that
this time the answers are different.
--
From toddm@tekig5.PEN.TEK.COM Thu Jan 19 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: toddm@tekig5.PEN.TEK.COM (Todd Mount PO Box 500)
Subject: Longevity...
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 19 Jan 89 11:30:05 GMT
(Original source unknown)
One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his
doctor was amazed.
"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of
any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old
was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"You mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your
grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would
want to get married at that age!"
"Did I say he _wanted_ to get married?..."
--
From ericco%sag4.ssl.Berkeley.EDU@jade.berkeley.edu Thu Jan 19 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: ericco%sag4.ssl.Berkeley.EDU@jade.berkeley.edu (Eric C. Olson)
Subject: The Chairman
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 20 Jan 89 00:30:05 GMT
>From former chairman of the US Federal Reserve Paul Volcker according
to the Wall Street Journal:
A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a
particularly colorful bird and asked its price.
"Five thousand pounds," the shop owner replied.
"Five thousand pounds?" the man asked. "Why so much?"
"Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is
brushing up on his German and starting to study English," came the
reply. "With the European Community's unicifation due in 1992, he'll
be a great asset."
"I don't care about the Common Market," the parrot fancier said.
"What about that gray one in that other cage?"
The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke
Arabic, Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese -- "the
languages of the 21st century."
"I'm too old to worry about the 21st century," the frustrated parrot
lover replied. "What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in
the corner?"
The brown one, said the shopkeeper, was 25,000 pounds.
"Twenty-five thousand pounds!" exclaimed the customer. "What does
he do to worth that?"
"We're not sure," the pet-shop owner replied. "But the other two
call him chairman."
--
Eric C. Olson
ericco@sag4.ssl.berkeley.edu
--
From hack@merkin.cactus.org Fri Jan 20 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: hack@merkin.cactus.org (Greg Hackney)
Subject: Mortal talks with God
Keywords: smirk, heard it
Date: 20 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second...
--
From srt@aerospace.aero.org Sat Jan 21 02:20:18 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: srt@aerospace.aero.org
Subject: Top Ten Earthquake Lines
Keywords: original, topical, chuckle, gross
Date: 21 Jan 89 08:20:18 GMT
[On the 18th, Southern California was rocked with an earthquake that
registered 5.0 on the Richter Scale.]
Top Ten Lines Associated With Last Night's Earthquake
10. Was it good for you?
9. I guess Oprah's off her diet.
8. What's that Scotsman doing in that alley?
7. Oh no, not *another* Apocalypse.
6. I told you that was Mary Lou Retton.
5. Whoa! Who dropped the soap?
4. Jesus Christ, is that a body? That's Jimmy Hoffa!
3. The King *is* alive.
2. It is I, *System Administrator Man*!
And the Number One Line heard during last night's earthquake:
1. Did you fart?
-- Scott Turner
--
From cplai@daisy.UUCP Mon Jan 23 05:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: cplai@daisy.UUCP (Chung-Pang Lai)
Subject: Practice joke
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 23 Jan 89 11:30:07 GMT
Once upon a time, there was a village.
The people in the village were extremely conservative. No one talked
about sex. Newlyweds had to figure out how to do such business on
their own because no one ever talked about it in their lifetime.
A mischievous couple decided to pull a practical joke on a pair of
people getting married.
The man pulled the groom-to-be aside and talked to him privately:
"I know it is not appropriate to talk to you about sex life. But
you are getting married soon, I don't want you to get hurt."
"What is it? What is it? Let me know," the ignorant groom eagerly asked.
The man first told him what sex was all about. And he said,
"But ... , you have to be careful. Some women grow teeth in their
'private place'. Some poor men have lost their valuable body part to
these ruthless jaws."
"How should I find out? What should I do on the first night?"
"Fear not, young man. Let me tell you what to do. Don't take
any risks. On the first night, test her first with your knee."
The woman also talked to the bride-to-be in private:
"You are getting married soon. I cannot resist warning you..."
The bride also eagerly asked for advice.
The woman first explained to her what would happen in bed the first
night, then she said, "Some men have a HUGE life-threatening penis.
If you have sex with this type of man, you may not survive."
"Oh, please help me. What should I do?" The bride was scared.
"Well, let me tell you what I did on my first night," she lied.
"I sharpened my finger nails and put my hand in front of my
vulnerable spot, and grabbed anything that approached."
In the wedding night, the shy newlywed slipped into bed in pitch
darkness. Moments later, both screamed in horror.
... And they slept separately ever after.
{ed Are teeth-in-vagina jokes becoming a new genre? I rejected several
of them, but I thought I would try this. Don't send me yours.}
--
From dwv@ihuxz.UUCP Tue Jan 24 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: dwv@ihuxz.UUCP
Subject: A priest and his parrot
Keywords: sexual, heard it, smirk
Date: 24 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT
This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence,
which was "Let's make love." The parrot said it all the time,
embarassing the owner to no end.
Finally, He went to his parish preist and told him of his parrot
problem. The priest repleid, "I have a parrot who also only knows
one sentence. He always says, 'Let up pray.' Bring your parrot over
Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the
end of the day."
So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory
after mass. The parrot, spying the priests parrot, opened his mouth
and blurted out "Let's make Love."
The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said,
"my prayers have been answered."
--
From jdd@db.toronto.edu Wed Jan 25 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: jdd@db.toronto.edu (John D. DiMarco)
Subject: Margaret Thatcher joke
Keywords: smirk
Date: 25 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT
Here's a joke my uncle told me:
Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on
the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that
these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty.
God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan.
"Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
"I tried to improve the US economy", replied Reagan, "and I did my best to
benefit the nation."
"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand."
And so Reagan sat at his right.
God then called up Gorbachev.
"Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
"I tried to make Soviet society more open", replied Gorbachev, "and I did
my best to improve the Soviet economy."
"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand."
And so Gorbachev sat at his left.
God then called up Thatcher.
"Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?"
"Only two things", replied Thatcher.
"First of all, I'm not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!"
John
--
From tr@djinn.bellcore.com Thu Jan 26 04:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: tr@djinn.bellcore.com (tom reingold)
Subject: Duct Tape
Keywords: sick, chuckle, rot13
Date: 26 Jan 89 10:30:05 GMT
Jul qb lbh unir gb jenc qhpg gncr nebhaq n treovy?
Fb gung vg qbrfa'g rkcybqr jura lbh fbqbzvmr vg.
--
Tom Reingold
--
From rsalz@pineapple.bbn.com Thu Jan 26 05:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: rsalz@pineapple.bbn.com (Rich Salz)
Subject: Decline of the Romans
Keywords: smirk
Date: 26 Jan 89 11:30:03 GMT
>From Mark Brader's <msb@sq.com> .signature:
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs." -- Robert Firth
--
From 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca Mon Jan 30 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca (John Palmer)
Subject: The PLO
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 30 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT
I have been subjected to the biases and special pleadings of the
artsy-fartsy culture vultures long enough. They sneer at anything which isn't
in their own mold (mould?) of avante-gardishness. They perpetuate stupid jokes
by laughing at people who quite seriously say, "I may not know much about....
but I know what I like."
It is time for the rest of us to revolt against this claptrap of
self-indulgent behaviour which passes itself off as "the actualization of
one's self potential," and which somehow has unfortunately [in Canuckland,
at least] bedeviled enough politicians that fully 65.7% of our tax dollars
go to supporting these alleged artistes through direct grants and purchases
of junk that any sensible person would pay someone else to haul off to the
municipal landfill site. It is time for a new organization to be formed
to aid this revolution. To that end, I hereby announce the formation of
The P.L.O.
The Philistine Liberation Organization welcomes as new members
anyone who supports this cause. The basic tenets of the PLO are divided
into two general categories: things we like and things we don't like. An
overall score of 80% qualifies you for membership.
Things we like:
1. Montovani's music - great stuff, easy listening.
2. McDonald's burgers - great taste, fast service, ok price.
3. Vinyl instead of leather for gloves, clothing, upholstery, etc.
- cheaper, requires less care, more durable.
4. Canadian wine - good high for the buck.
5. Shopping at K-mart - hey, they got some good stuff there, ya know.
6. Commodore 64s - good games and they're real computers, too.
7. Shopping Mall landscape art - ain't it amazing how real that stuff looks.
8. Barry Manilow's songs - they capture the true meaning of life.
9. Hockey Night in Canada, Monday Night ____ball, etc. - great entertainment.
10. "If I have to go to a 'concert', I hope they play some marches - you
know, something I can hum along with and tap my feet to."
Things we don't like:
1. Real flowers - they wilt and need care - plastic's much better.
2. BMW's, Mercedes, etc. - I'll take an Econoline any day.
3. Gourmet food - so little food, such bad tastes, such high prices!
4. 100% wool or cotton - they require too much and too costly care - give me
polyester or acrylic any day.
5. Symphony orchestra concerts - especially playing 20th century music.
6. Real wood furniture - vinyl laminate is easier to care for and harder
to damage.
7. Birkenstock Sandals - footware of the truly effete snobs.
8. "Serious" drama - hey, for $25 it had better make me laugh a lot.
9. Pictures that aren't pictures of anything.
10. "Cocktail" parties that serve only Perrier and vegetables.
Want to join the P.L.O.? ok, you're probably already a member then.
Want to add to the tenets? E-mail your suggestions to me, and I'll keep a
list.
--
-=John Palmer (519)-661-3533=-
--
From brad@cs.utexas.edu Mon Jan 30 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: brad@cs.utexas.edu
Subject: Don't talk that way to a mother....
Keywords: true, funny, sexual
Date: 31 Jan 89 00:30:06 GMT
On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of
pregnancy are often masked by obesity. The brother-in-law of a friend
told me the first part of this story; my cousin told me the second.
Both are now doctors, and both assured me that the stories are true.
In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman
the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted
the aid of two orderlies who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and
pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a
chair between her legs and made his diagnosis:
"You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two
sheets and a chair is beyond me."
After making a similar comment, my cousin was informed by the
patient, "You're not the first short-dick white boy to tell me that."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From ccj@raybed2.RAY.COM Tue Jan 31 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: ccj@raybed2.RAY.COM (CHRISTOPHER CHENEY)
Subject: Dan Quayle again -- can't you folks get enough?
Keywords: smirk, topical
Date: 31 Jan 89 08:20:04 GMT
(Heard this joke from a Mike Dukakis field worker.)
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
A Dan Quayle watch.
--
From jem@latcs1.oz.au Tue Jan 31 05:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: jem@latcs1.oz.au (Joan McGalliard)
Subject: New Punchline to old joke
Keywords: computer, funny
Date: 31 Jan 89 11:30:03 GMT
Organization: Comp Sci, La Trobe Uni, Australia
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer
salesman?
A: The car salesman can probably drive!
--
joan
--
From rostamia@umbc3.UMBC.EDU Tue Jan 31 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: rostamia@umbc3.UMBC.EDU (Rouben Rostamian)
Subject: Problems like these
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, heard it, chuckle, swearing, sexual
Date: 1 Feb 89 00:30:04 GMT
Organization: Univ of Maryland Baltimore County
Here is a joke from the March issue of Playboy: {ed But they didn't write it.}
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood
bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and
asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife."
"So stop," the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't
sign his name!"
--
Rouben Rostamian
Department of Mathematics
University of Maryland Baltimore Counnty
--
From shelley@aimed.UUCP Wed Feb 1 02:20:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: shelley@aimed.UUCP (Shelley Spence)
Subject: football
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, topical, original, chuckle.
Date: 1 Feb 89 08:20:05 GMT
Organization: AIM, Inc, Toronto, Ontario
The following is a light hearted look at american football. Hit 'n'
now if you are offended easily by random sillyness that pokes fun
at americans.
Well nothing much has happened in the world of sports. It is the superbowl
today however, this is a United States event (I would have said American
however I am in North America and would not like to be included in this
tradition). The event is a game where large brainless men smash into each
other in order to advance a pig's skin, shaped in an oblong fashion, to the
opponent's end of a 100 yard field. Many people will wager on this event and
still many more will watch it with non-financial interests. Many beer and
car making corporations will vie for an advertising spot during the game by
paying them largest amounts of money ever recorded for a Television spot
in history. They often try to get the brainless players to endorse their
products first hand. This seems very illogical as these men are not known
for their acting abilities and they are usually retired players of superbowl
past. They also firmly believe that miller light is either less filling or
it tastes great, but never both at once. Sometimes musicians and comedians
help the brainless men because they are more inclined to acting.
Well back to the actual game. This superbowl activity does not have
anything to do with tupperware parties. It is the final game of a season's
worth of FOOTBALL. The word football is used for this game to piss off the
British who refer to their game of soccer as football. This makes
more sense, as soccer is played mostly with the foot and the superbowl is not.
It is also worthy to note that the vast majority of the planet prefers the
game of soccer to that of U.S. football. They hold a world championship every
year in soccer that the U.S. is never a contender in. The U.S. has in turn
retaliated by coining the term "World Series" to the American game of
baseball. (which the central Americans are much better at playing then native
U.S. players).
Well once again getting off the topic of the game. Men named after
various body parts (quarter back, tight end) line up facing each
other and when certain grunts have been uttered they run into each other.
The team with the pig then tries to pass it through the line of men. They
have three chances to move the ball 10 yards. If they do not succeed they get
angry and kick the ball at the opponent's side of the field. The opponents
then try to return the ball until they get mad and kick it back.
SUCCESS When a goal is scored.
If by chance one team should get the pig's skin into the opposing teams end
of the field a strange and bizzare ritual occurs. First the pig is thrown as
hard as possible into the ground where it doesn't stay. Instead it bounces
madly across the field and forgotten. Sometimes this step is replaced by the
team member dancing with the pig's skin held high in the air and running
towards other team members. Step two is the same in both cases. The men all
rush together and hug each other and pat each other vigorously on the bottom.
The coach of the team will hug his co-coaches and smile with admiration.
Step three consists of a replay of the whole event for television viewers
and those advertisers who want to know who should endorse their products for
next year.
The purpose of winning the game is that these goal scorers from the winning
team only will be asked to advertise for the corporations. The losers will
not be invitied.
When the game is over the wining team will pour cheap champagne all over each
other in the dressing room where women reporters will not be admitted, but the
men will undress in front of the television cameras anyway. The cameras will
show the losing team crying in their locker room. The most endorsable
player will be chosen just in case the advertisers could not figure out which
player this should be.
This my friend is a United States dream come true.
For those now feeling offended, flames and fan mail can be addressed to:
shelley@aimed
--
From qsxy@vax5.cit.cornell.edu Wed Feb 1 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: qsxy@vax5.cit.cornell.edu
Subject: Sales
Keywords: heard it, chuckle, sexual
Date: 1 Feb 89 11:30:06 GMT
A new sales assistant was hired at a large dept. store. On his first day, the
sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by
the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed.
The sales manager stepped in.
SM: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
C : I guess so. I'll take one.
SM: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer ?
C : Um, okay.
SM: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass
when it starts growing too long.
C : I'll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?"
he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what
the customer originally came in for."
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where
he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
MAN: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
SA : Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
MAN: Why would I want to do that?
SA : Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the
lawn.
--
From bobc@killer.DALLAS.TX.US Thu Feb 2 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: bobc@killer.DALLAS.TX.US (Bob Calbridge)
Subject: It's chemical
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 3 Feb 89 00:30:05 GMT
Organization: The Unix(R) Connection, Dallas, Texas
April 1, 1988: The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered
by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named
Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic
number is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron,
75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called
memoons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
dectected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is
present. According to Dr. M. Langour, one of the discoverers of the element, a
very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less
than a second take over four days.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which
time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in
which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the
vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic
mass number actually increases after each reorganization.
Administratium was discovered by accident when Dr. Languor angrily
resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all of his
papers into the intake hatch of the university's particle accelerator.
"Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports, grant forms, etc. with
the particles in the accelerator created the new element." Dr. Langour
explained.
Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium
might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist,
Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university campuses,
near the best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.
--
From 64460v@d1.UUCP Fri Feb 3 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: 64460v@d1.UUCP (R. Scott V. Paterson)
Subject: Little Johnny
Keywords: swearing, funny, sexual
Date: 3 Feb 89 11:30:04 GMT
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud
noises coming from his parents bedroom. He got out of
bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room.
Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises
had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little
Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father
removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what
he could tell his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."
replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion
and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"
--
From major@shuksan.UUCP Mon Feb 6 18:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: major@shuksan.UUCP (Mike Schmitt)
Subject: Inaccurate Titles
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 7 Feb 89 00:30:03 GMT
Organization: The Boeing Co., BAC MMST, Seattle, WA
> (sargeant major in pompous voice - british accent)
Three English gentlemen, all properly attired, were sitting in a train
compartment while traveling thru the English countryside. All three busily
engrossed in reading their London Times. Naturally, not having been
properly introduced, they did not speak to each other. The quiet in the
compartment was disturbing.
Finally, one gentleman, put his paper down and declared, (in your best
veddy veddy British accent), "Sir James Hyde-White, here. Brigadier,
retired. Oxford, '59. Married. Two sons, both Royal Marine officers," and
promptly went back to reading his paper.
A short while later, the second gentleman put down his paper and declared,
(again, in very upper class british accent), "Sir Jonathen Colin-Simpson,
here. Brigadier, retired. Eton, '61. Married. Two sons, both Royal Air
Force pilots," and he promptly went back to reading his paper.
A few miles down the track, the third gentleman put down his paper and
stated, (now use your best irish-cockney accent), "Ian McTavish 'ere.
Sergeant Major, retired. Coldstream Guards. Not married. Two sons.
Both Brigadiers."
--
major, retired.
--
From mike@turing.cs.unm.edu Tue Feb 7 02:20:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mike@turing.cs.unm.edu (Michael I. Bushnell)
Subject: How many postings for one joke?
Keywords: topical, original, smirk
Date: 7 Feb 89 08:20:07 GMT
Q:
How many rec.humor.funny postings does it take to read one joke?
A:
Ten. One for the joke, and nine for adminstratrivia on the legal
ramifications of posting, reading, and re-transmitting the joke.
--
-mib
--
From scj@meccsd.MECC.MN.ORG Tue Feb 7 05:30:09 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: scj@meccsd.MECC.MN.ORG (Scotian)
Subject: Yuks from the Yakutsk
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, funny
Date: 7 Feb 89 11:30:09 GMT
Organization: MECC
Taken from 'The Jokes of Oppression: The Humor of Soviet Jews'.
Question: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
Answer: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians
take the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up
the Jews.
Question: What's meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist
party of the Soviet Union?
Answer: It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion,
and I leave with the party's.
==============================
Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon bagan
talking.
"What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another.
"They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich,"
snarled one man.
"And why are you here?" asked the second of the first.
"For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he
replied.
"And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked.
"For being Khaimovich," he sighed.
--
Scott C. Jensen
scj@mecc.MN.ORG
--
From kane@batcomputer.UUCP Tue Feb 7 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: kane@batcomputer.UUCP (Yana Kane-Esrig)
Subject: Truth in Advertising
Keywords: funny
Date: 8 Feb 89 00:30:06 GMT
A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts
looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she
finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally,
she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches
ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch
on the counter in front of the proprietor.
Tourist: "would you please repair this watch."
Proprietor: "Madam, I cannot repair your watch."
T: "But why not? It is an ordinary model"
P: "Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions"
T (irritated): "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?"
P: "Well, and what should I have in my window?"
--
From steven@uts.amdahl.com Wed Feb 8 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: steven@uts.amdahl.com (Fearless Leader)
Subject: A thousand points of amnesia
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 8 Feb 89 08:20:04 GMT
(From Carson's monologue Wednesday nite (2/1/89))
"I understand the attorneys are having a lot of trouble finding jurors for
the Oliver North trial.. They have to locate 12 people that have never heard
of the Iran-Contra scandal ...
... so far, they've only been able to come up with George Bush."
--
Steven Swinkels
--
From eric@hpqtdla.UUCP Wed Feb 8 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: eric@hpqtdla.UUCP (Eric Percival)
Subject: Fruits of love
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 8 Feb 89 11:30:04 GMT
Organization: Hewlett Packard, West Lothian, Scotland
A young couple have just got married and are wandering through the countryside
loking for somewhere to stay. They come to a farm and knock on the door.
The farmer answers the door and they explain how they have just got married,
and don't have a lot of money but would like somewhere to stay for a few days.
The farmer being a kind hearted soul offers them the hay loft in his barn,
where they retire to immediately. A few days go by and there is no sign of
the young couple emerging from the barn. After a week, the farmer becomes a
bit concerned, so he goes out to the barn and shouts up "Are you all right
in there ?" "Yes thank you," comes the reply. "Aren't you getting hungry?"
asked the farmer, "You haven't been out for a week." "It's alright" comes
the reply, "we're living off the fruits of love." "Well," said the farmer,
"I do wish you'd stop throwing the skins out the window !"
--
From kss@rti.rti.org Wed Feb 8 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: kss@rti.rti.org (Kristi Simmons)
Subject: Train joke
Keywords: swearing, smirk, heard it
Date: 9 Feb 89 00:30:04 GMT
There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his
train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the
door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him
saying,
"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get
on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the
train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to
change seats, change seats now 'cause the trains getting ready to
leave. Whoo whooooo."
The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,
"Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up,
you can't play with your train set for two hours."
So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for
two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he
could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he
understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he
went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say.
The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,
"Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the
train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to
get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who
are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in
the kitchen.
--
From ronnie@unknown Thu Feb 9 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: ronnie@unknown (Ronnie B. Kon)
Subject: A Sonnet
Keywords: original, maybe
Date: 9 Feb 89 11:30:04 GMT
For Lisa Too
A Sonnet
Hal had his Daisy. I my Lotus dear.
In proud rebellion, Hal lost his all.
From this I learn patience; a moral clear:
Count -- one two three -- and wait for my love's call.
She is unique -- no copy can be made.
The look of her sweet eyes, the feel of her
Soft hands, ne'er from my memory shall fade.
Because of these, all others I abjure.
And in the evenings of those days we meet,
With ling'ring taste of apple bathed in stream
I spread myself within my lonely sheet.
Of music -- jazz and symphony -- I dream.
I shift and enter, escape and return.
For to do else would her sweet program spurn.
Ronnie Kon
Copr. (C) 1988, by the Author., Reprinted with Permission
All Rights Reserved.
--
From egil@tc.fluke.COM Fri Feb 10 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: egil@tc.fluke.COM (Kevin Summers)
Subject: the rules of relationships
Keywords: sexual stereotypes, smirk
Date: 10 Feb 89 11:30:06 GMT
I found this in the salon where I get my hair cut. The owner says she
feels these rules are correctly stated.
THE RULES (*)
For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in
effect in every relationship.
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
----------------------------------------
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
--------------------------
6. If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
7. If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for
causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of
the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she
wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. The female always gets the last word!
(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit.
--
From farshid@cs.utexas.edu Sun Feb 12 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: farshid@cs.utexas.edu (Farshid Arman)
Subject: a joke from Mr. F.
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, heard it, chuckle, gross
Date: 12 Feb 89 11:30:06 GMT
Organization: U. Texas EE Dept., Austin, Texas
A guy and his friend go to a little coffee shop, and
the guy orders a hamburger. The guy behind the counter
spits in his hands and rubbs them against each
other, grabs a chunck of ground beef from a dirty
bowl with flies flying around, and spits on the
grill. Then he puts the chunk of beef under his
armpit to make a patty and then throws the patty on
the grill.
The guy ordering the hamburger looks at his friend
and says "god damn that is gross". The friend
says "that's nothing, you should see how he makes
the donuts".
--
From kurt@tc.fluke.COM Sun Feb 12 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: kurt@tc.fluke.COM (Kurt Guntheroth)
Subject: Impotence Joke (re: Longevity)
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 13 Feb 89 00:30:04 GMT
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA
97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed. He says "Doc, I
think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he
gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow
down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire.
How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax
and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah. Finally the
doctor asks "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"
"Three times last night, and again this morning."
--
From moriarty@tc.fluke.COM Wed Feb 15 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: Special Limited-Time Offer
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 15 Feb 89 08:20:04 GMT
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA
Heard at a John McCutcheon concert:
"Buy a toaster, get a free Savings & Loan."
--
Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
--
From noworol@eecg.toronto.edu Wed Feb 15 05:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: noworol@eecg.toronto.edu (Mark Noworolski)
Subject: Laboratory Experiment
Keywords: sexual, true, funny
Date: 15 Feb 89 11:30:07 GMT
Organization: EECG, University of Toronto
A friend of mine studying medicine once told me this story.
Apparently one day there was a lab where all the students were
learning how to identify various cells. As samples they were
using tissue scraped from the inside of the mouth.
One girl was having terrible difficulties figuring out what kind of cell
she was seeing under her microscope--eventually she called over the
teaching assistant to identify it.
He came over, smirked, and exclaimed (loud enough for everyone to hear)
"Oh wow! That's a sperm cell!"
She was somewhat more careful after that experience....
--
noworol@ecf.toronto.edu
--
From davidbe@sco.UUCP Wed Feb 15 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: davidbe@sco.UUCP
Subject: A Song for the 80's (Offensive to Republicans)
Keywords: explicitly sexual, smirk, original
Date: 16 Feb 89 00:30:06 GMT
GIVE YOURSELVES A HAND
excerpted from
"Kids Who Eat Paste"
performed by
The Brunching Shuttlecocks
written by
Lore "Cosmic Slug" Shoberg
Scene: A podium, with the Presidential Seal and a few
microphones on it. BARBARA BUSH is standing
at the podium as lights come up.
BARB: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen of the press. As you know,
I have recently replaced Nancy Reagan as First Lady
and role model for the youth of today. Because of this,
many people have been asking me, "Barbara, what do
you have to say to contemperary teenagers? Nancy
had `Just Say No,' what message do you have?" Well,
"No" is such a. . .negative word. I'd rather give kids
"dos" than "dont's". Do recognize your right to pleasure,
but do protect yourselves from all the horrible things that
can happen to you. In short, DO whack off.
I think that it's high time the people of America
realized what a boon jerking off can be! And not just
children, either. Why, when George wants some nookie,
and I don't, he just turns over and slips himself the
four-fingered practice tunnel, and our problem is solved.
It's so easy, and people should realize that solo sex
is the safest sex. Next time you feel like consorting with
someone of questionable sexual background, just pop
into the nearest bathroom, pull down your pants or
pull up your skirt, and do some exploring, and in no time
you'll be satisfied!
I just want to say: boys, choke that chicken! Girls,
shake hands with that pink satin ski slope! In short,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!
(A banner unfolds behind her, reading "Masturbators
of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!" A ROCKER jumps
on from offstage, dressed like a conservative middle-aged
woman might imagine the average rock star to look like,
i.e. combining Heavy Metal, Punk, and Top Forty in a
thouroghly atrocious style. He sings the following song.)
ROCKER: You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special licence
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!
(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the
ROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you jump
backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that
instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.)
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand
Lights go down as ROCKER bows to the audience.
Copyright 1989 Lore Shoberg (Used with permission)
(velcro@ucscb.ucscc.edu)
--
From peka%tank@oddjob.uchicago.edu Thu Feb 16 02:20:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peka%tank@oddjob.uchicago.edu (Ron Pekar)
Subject: Pan Am crash in England
Keywords: topcial, smirk
Date: 16 Feb 89 08:20:06 GMT
What's the difference between First Class and Coach on Pan Am?
About five miles.
--
From noise@cisunx.UUCP Thu Feb 16 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: noise@cisunx.UUCP (Andy Andrews)
Subject: Don't let the bed bugs bite
Keywords: original, computer, chuckle, sexual
Date: 16 Feb 89 11:30:04 GMT
dream(1l)
NAME
dream - suspend execution for an interval while executing
random code in memory
SYNTAX
dream [-d][[-nrRsw] [time]]
DESCRIPTION
Dream suspends execution of the current proces for time
seconds, while simulating a dream sequence by executing random
segments of code in memory. All devices are paralyzed (blocked)
to prevent dangerous side-effects. The options are as follows:
-d daydream. code seems to be more related to the actual
suspended process, and suspension will be for a limited
amount of time. Attention can be restored by snapping
fingers next to keyboard.
-n nightmare. Repeated references to the system error logs
are made during execution.
-r recurring. The code of a previous execution will be
re-selected for this dream.
-R REM (Rapid Eye Movement). The current value of the PC is
is flashed on the screen for every instruction.
-s sleepwalking. Tape drives will be sent many alternating
fast-forward and rewind requests and/or line printers sent
many alternating carraige-return and tab codes to promote
movement of machine(s) across floor. Stopping these
devices may confuse the program.
-w wet dream. The code is selected from the sex(1l) program.
Dream will invoke automatically with the -d option when the
system proves extremely slow.
The relation of the randomly-executed code to the subconcious
(background tasks) of the current processes is suspected but has
not been proven.
WARNING
do not select the -w option without covering the keyboard.
SEE ALSO
sleep(1), sex(1l), dream(3l), alarm(3C)
--
From mirk@cs.warwick.ac.uk Thu Feb 16 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mirk@cs.warwick.ac.uk (Mike Taylor)
Subject: This tree has no nodes. No nodes, how does it parse? Recursively!
Keywords: original, chuckle
Date: 17 Feb 89 00:30:04 GMT
I've got this compilation of variations on the "My Dog's Got no Nose"
joke, which I thought you might like to use in rec.humor.funny. I have
read your list of submission guidelines, and I know that you don't like
people to submit groups of jokes all at once, *but* ... Well, when you
have read through these, you will realise that a lot of them don't make
sense out of context.
You will be glad to see that these are all fully attributed. Mike Taylor
is me, Andy Charles, Andreas Pagel and Mike Lessacher are friends, and
Andy Clews is a systems administrator I happen to be in email contact
with, due to him liking the original MDGNN compendium, (which consisted
basically of the first fourteen of these). You should know that this
subset of the following was posted to eunet.jokes, about 18 months ago,
but that otherwise, these are all completely new.
I hope you can use these, then. Keep up the good work with the group!
/*--------------------------------------------------------------------------*/
The Complete "My Dog's Got No Nose" Compendium
==============================================
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: Awful.
(Traditional)
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: You poke his eyes out.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: (Pause) ... Well, it's kind of hard to describe really.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: (Pause) ... It's OK, he has got one really.
(Andreas Pagel)
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: (Pause) ... Oh, go and get a glass of water.
(Andy Charles, incorporating material from
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail")
1st man: My dog's got no ears.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: With his nose, obviously.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: Of his own accord.
(Trad., arr. Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog's over thirteen billion miles long.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: Don't change the subject.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog's literally doesn't exist.
2nd man: How does he smell?
1st man: Don't ask stupid questions.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My wife's gone to the West Indies.
2nd man: How does she smell?
1st man: When it's ajar.
(Trad., arr. Mike Taylor)
1st man: How do you make a Venetian Urn?
2nd man: I don't know, how _do_ you make a Venetian Urn?
1st man: (Pause) ... I'm sorry, I appear to have made a mistake.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My frog's got no nose.
2nd man: How does it smell?
1st man: Frogs can't smell.
(Mike Taylor)
1st man: My dog, who incidentally had no nose, died yesterday.
2nd man: How did he smell?
1st man: We shall never know. He died before he could tell me.
(Andy Clews)
1st Restaurant owner: My dog he die yesterday.
2nd Restaurant owner: How do he smell?
1st Restaurant owner: Don't know, but customers think he taste pretty good.
(Country of origin omitted here for sake of international relations)
(Andy Clews)
1st Circumlocutionist: I have in my possession an animal belonging to
the family Canidae, and it appears that he does not possess any
extra-facial olfactory organs.
2nd Circumlocutionist: Could you therefore impart to me such knowledge as
may be necessary to describe how that animal circumvents the problem
of satisfying his olfactory senses?
1st Circumlocutionist: Unfortunately the non-ambiguity of your enquiry does
not easily permit me to provide a clever answer, but I am in fact
thinking of referring the animal to an olfactologist. However, the
animal does have a fairly unpleasant body odour, should you be
interested.
(Andy Clews)
Cannibal Dog: My dog's got no nose.
(Mike Lessacher)
Senile old fool: My dog's got no nose.
Young delinquent: Why is that?
Senile old fool: He's been dead for 30 years.
(Mike Lessacher)
Senile old fool: My dog's got no nose.
Young delinquent: Why is that?
Senile old fool: I've been dead for 30 years.
(Mike Lessacher)
--
Mike Taylor
--
From alcmist@well.UUCP Mon Apr 3 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: alcmist@well.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: Only her hairdresser knows
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 3 Apr 89 23:30:04 GMT
<I think I originally saw this in Playboy>
"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor from the men's
magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural,
since the hair between your legs is black".
The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.
"What the hell did you do that for!", he exploded. She smiled sweetly and
said "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've
only been banged once."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From argyriou@violet.berkeley.edu Tue Apr 4 05:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: argyriou@violet.berkeley.edu (Anthony Argyriou)
Subject: racists
Keywords: anti-racist, racial stereotypes, chuckle
Date: 4 Apr 89 10:30:07 GMT
What is the difference between Northern and Southern racism?
A southern racist doesn't mind blacks living nearby, as long as they
don't get "uppity"
A northern racist doesn't mind blacks getting "uppity" as long as they
don't live close.
--
Anthony Argyriou
(I can't remember where I read this, but it was not from a collection
of jokes. I believe it was quoted in some sort of article on race
relations in America, and is probably PD.)
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From ark@research.UUCP Wed Apr 5 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: ark@research.UUCP
Subject: Election Day
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 5 Apr 89 10:30:04 GMT
Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each
trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides.
Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that
we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our
votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some
time and both agree to not vote today?''
The other agrees enthusiastically and they part.
Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard
the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.''
``Not really,'' says the second. This is the third time I've
done this today.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From icsg8014@CAESAR.CS.MONTANA.EDU Wed Apr 5 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: icsg8014@CAESAR.CS.MONTANA.EDU (Sam Patton)
Subject: Making it home
Keywords: sexual, sexual stereotypes, chuckle
Date: 5 Apr 89 23:30:05 GMT
A friend of mine told me this one.
Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact
Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home.
I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the
driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and
sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and
we end up having a fight.
Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few
times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam
the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home", run upstairs, slap her on
the ass and say, "How about a little love woman". And she never
even moves.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From mician@usfvax2.UUCP Thu Apr 6 05:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mician@usfvax2.UUCP (Rudy Mician)
Subject: Roto-Rooter Ad
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 6 Apr 89 10:30:03 GMT
"A big black bird screamed Roto-Rooter"
and away go troubles down the drain.
The "Raving"...read and take heed.
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I
pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore.
While I nodded in the hushing, suddenly
there came a rushing, as of someone
slowly flushing water 'cross my chamber
floor. Only this and nothing more.
Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I
sought to borrow plungers to relieve my
sorrow, mops to dry the soggy floor.
I slowed it down and nothing more.
Ankle deep in water standing, long I stood
there wheezing, panting, weeping, cursing
curses no mortal ever cursed before. As the
mess was slow subsiding, my thoughts were
strong to go a-riding to dry my troubled
clothes, perhaps to find a liquor store.
I jumped astride my motor scotter, a big
black bird screamed "Roto-Rooter"!
"And away go troubles down the drain" --
Roto-Rooter. Quoth the raven: "Evermore."
(c) 1979 Roto-Rooter
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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From YUEN@janus.trl.oz.au Thu Apr 6 18:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: YUEN@janus.trl.oz.au (Gary Yuen)
Subject: Journos!
Keywords: national stereotypes, chuckle
Date: 6 Apr 89 23:30:07 GMT
Whilst on bush-walking trips, one hears many offensive jokes, and this
one is no exception.....
One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was sitting on an Australian beach.
As he gazed pensively out to sea, he saw a young woman thrashing about in the
water. Upon further observation, he saw a shark circling her. His adrenalin
pumping, he wondered what he could do to save her. Then a well built young
man, who was jogging along the beach, suddenly dashed into the sea, karate
chopped the shark, killing it, and helped the young woman swim to the beach.
The excited journalist, seeing a fantastic story, ran up to the young man and
said, "That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm
going to let the world know about this. You'll be famous. I can see it now,
<Brave Bronzed Aussie Saves Girl From Killer Shark>!"
The young man turned to the journalist and said, "But I'm British."
The journalist replied, without losing enthusiasm, "Oh, that doesn't matter."
The next day, the headlines read, <Pommie Bastard Kills Girl's Pet>.
--
Gary Yuen
yuen@janus.trl.oz
--
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From langbein@topaz.rutgers.edu Fri Apr 7 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: langbein@topaz.rutgers.edu ( Fugitive)
Subject: TV Evangalism: True Story
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 7 Apr 89 10:30:04 GMT
Organization: Gerbil Manor
I feel before the joke I should mention a few things. First, I am a
Christian. Second, I feel that It is wrong to ridicule Christ as a
Christian. However, I feel that it is my duty to show people what kind
of Charletons are out there. Through this true story you can see how a
person who "Speaks with Authority" can make a joke out of a serious
matter. It is OK to laugh at the antics, but please don't use this as
a reason to condemn a whole religion. Feel free to mail me if you
have any questions.
I was watching TV one night when while flicking through the stations I
came across a TV Evangelist. Now, being Christian, I decided to get a
fulfilling and meaningful message which he would preach. Now, I have
seen TV Evangelists before (I'll call them TVE) and some I enjoyed
immensely such as Pat Robertson and Billy Graham. However, I asn't
prepared for this man......
"You! Yes YOU can be blessed by the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY <Something
muttered in toungues for 5 seconds> just by sending me a small
contribution of only two thousand dollars! The LORD <More toungues>...
OH YES HE IS HERE <More Toungues> The LORD... I hear him telling
me... oh YES Lord that YES he wants You! Yes You! <toungues> to GIVE
ME Two THOUSAND Dollars to support my minestry! The LORD Will Return
in one Hundred fold! Here is a True Story...."
Some Woman: I turned on his show ondering how I would be able to make
my house mayments. At that time he as asking for Two hundred. Then GOD
told me to give because the price is going up very soon. I got the
money I DON'T KNOW HOW for my payments.
"Yes! ANOTHER GREEAT TESTIMONY! You know, WWWhen I first started, I
was asking for 50 dollars a person. Then the LORD GOD <Toungues
again>... Yes the LORD GOD HIMSELF! Came to ME Haleluia <More
toungues>! He Came to ME and said 'Don't ask for fifty anymore.' So I
raised it to One Hundred. The the LORD <More Toungues>... the LORD
asked me to not ask for One Hundred. So I asked for Two Hundred. Then
He asked me to stop, and I raised it to Five Hundred, then One
thousand.. NOW the Lord asked me to no longer ask for $1000. So now,
as the LORD GOD has asked me Haleluiah! <toungues> The LORD GOD asked
me! I ask you for $2000!!! The Lord wants you to give it to me. If you
do, I will send you this piece of cloth which I prayed with and has
been annoited by the Holy Spirit! This Cloth is FILLED with the Holy
Spirit. Pray with this cloth and you TOO can be filled with the Spirit
>From this cloth! So Send NOW!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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From SW.WERNER@MCC.COM Thu Apr 27 19:35:40 1989
Flags: 000000000201
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 89 05:31 PST
From: Gumby@MCC.COM (David Vinayak Wallace)
Subject: Hardened LispMs
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 89 10:22:13+0900
From: kddlab!atr-la.atr.junet!myers@uunet.UU.NET (John K. Myers)
There was a rumour about two years back that TI was starting
work on a hardened Lisp Machine that would a) be about the size
of an IBM-PC or smaller, and b) be designed to operate in helicopters,
tanks, etc. Is MCC trying to do this kind of thing too? Does
anyone know whether this project actually got started, and what
its current status is?
MCC has been contracted by and has delivered to SDIO a "hardened" lisp
machine for phase I of SDI. That is, able to withstand 30ATM
overpressure, immersion to 600 meters, EMP, and cafeteria food. The
hardened machine, sufficient for running any existing lisp application
comes with 500K words of memory, a 30-key keyboard, and 7-segment
display, selling for $186,000 each (qty 50). An optional
flame-retardent mouse is an additional $30,000.
We have submitted a bid for phase II, which we think can be accomplished
by 1995. Phase II involves re-entry against hardened targets, high
resistance to religious zealots and connectionism, and low radar and
congressional profile. Projected cost: $1.2M/qty 50.
Please do not reveal this information to non-US citizens.
-------
From wall@tilde.ti.com Mon May 1 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!looking!funny-request
From: wall@tilde.ti.com (Raj Wall)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Leadership .vs. Management
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <3175@looking.UUCP>
Date: 1 May 89 23:30:05 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 14
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: ti-csl!tilde.ti.com!wall
When Noah heard the weather forecast he
ordered the building of the ark.
--- that was Leadership
Then he looked around and said, "Make
sure the elephants don't see what the
rabbits are up to."
--- that was Management
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu Tue May 2 02:20:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu (Sauder Clyde 301-688-7908)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: suicide is painless
Keywords: topical, rec_humor_cull, smirk
Message-ID: <3177@looking.UUCP>
Date: 2 May 89 07:20:07 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 8
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: aplcen.apl.jhu.edu!sauder
Did you hear that Abbie Hoffman has gone underground again?
--
Jeff Sauder
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From miller@pixel.cps.msu.edu Tue May 2 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!looking!funny-request
From: miller@pixel.cps.msu.edu (Joe Miller)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: "No New Taxes"...
Keywords: chuckle, original
Message-ID: <3178@looking.UUCP>
Date: 2 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 26
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: uunet!pixel.cps.msu.edu!miller
In our image processing lab we recently had a chance to
digitize and then re-view some of the Presidential campaign
speeches. Of particular interest was George Bush's famous
"Read my lips, No New Taxes" speech.
We hired a speech specialist and showed the tape to her over and
over several times. Not only was the tape played back slowly,
but we performed a zoom operation on the (now) President's face. As
she read his face for clues, it became painfully obvious to her that
George Bush was saying -- "Read my lips, No Nude Taxes".
With this subjective information, we called the White House
for an explanation. Reluctantly the White House Staff admitted that
yes, that was correct - "The President planned to clothe new taxes
as user fees".
--
Joe Miller
PRIP Lab
Michigan State University
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From potoole@maths.tcd.ie Tue May 2 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!looking!funny-request
From: potoole@maths.tcd.ie
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Condoms
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Message-ID: <3182@looking.UUCP>
Date: 2 May 89 23:30:05 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 30
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: uunet!mcvax!maths.tcd.ie!potoole
One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts
of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says:
"CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED."
He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive
young lady emerges.
"Do you work here?",he asks.
"Yes",she replied.
"And is the statement ao the sign over there true?"
The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes."
"Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?"
"I do," said the lady.
"Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give
me a pound of tomatoes."
--
Peter O'Toole
Trinity College Dublin.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From john@sequent.UUCP Thu May 4 02:20:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!purdue!decwrl!decvax!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: john@sequent.UUCP (John Vander Borght)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Minimum Wage and the President (as heard on NPR)
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Message-ID: <3191@looking.UUCP>
Date: 4 May 89 07:20:06 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 14
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
I heard this on National Public Radio this morning:
A letter from a listener, in regards to a story about the minimum wage
proposals said:
"George Bush should be paid the $4.25/hour minimum wage he proposes and
Dan Quayle should get the lower training wage."
--
John Vander Borght, System Analyst
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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From lipson2@husc4.UUCP Thu May 4 05:30:09 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: lipson2@husc4.UUCP (Nathan Lipson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Daily News of Tanzania
Keywords: true, chuckle
Message-ID: <3193@looking.UUCP>
Date: 4 May 89 10:30:09 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 18
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: linus!xait!harvard!husc4!lipson2
Speaking for the whole company, Mr. Sizya Lubuva of Kinondomi, Dar es Salaam,
said: "A number of us were having a conference about the future of the village
as a tourist center when Mr. Nuugu Tabara said he would climb up the palm under
which we were sitting to get some coconut milk for us. No sooner had he
climbed the tree, than he was attacked by a huge Indian crow and fell down
onto the roof of Mr. Malinjoo's Ford Fiesta. There is no truth to the
suggestion that we were boozing away our time on komoni, although I agree
coconut milk is one its ingredients. Everyone knows how dangerous those crows
are. They will snatch food off your plate, and last week they stole three
bedsheets and a loudspeaker from my sister's house."
-- Daily News (Tanzania), February 24, 1989
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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From brendan@jolnet.ORPK.IL.US Thu May 4 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000001
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!looking!funny-request
From: brendan@jolnet.ORPK.IL.US (Brendan Kehoe)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: True Intelligence
Keywords: heard it, funny
Message-ID: <3196@looking.UUCP>
Date: 4 May 89 23:30:06 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 42
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: cs.utexas.edu!texbell!killer!jolnet!brendan
This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of
the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the
corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood
back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a
coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla
bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up. After glancing over his
shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the
air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick
out of it. He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would
copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the
lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through
the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally
beat the shit out of him, then threw him back out of the cage. After
hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man.
"What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper. "I don't know" said the man.
"He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping
around and he was doing every thing I was doing. Then all of sudden after I
did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of
me." "Well no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "That" (pulls lower
eyelid down) "means F... YOU in gorilla talk!" "Oh" said the man not quite
satisfied.
He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping
bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping
around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he
grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them
into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the
gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute
of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the
man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it
between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and
whacked off the salami "WHACK!!!" At this, the gorilla simply looked at the
man and pulled down his lower eyelid.
--
Brendan Kehoe
--
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From stuart@rassilon.UUCP Fri May 5 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: stuart@rassilon.UUCP (Stuart Freedman {x3262})
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: pharmacist
Keywords: heard it, funny, sexual
Message-ID: <3198@looking.UUCP>
Date: 5 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 39
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!gatech!mit-eddie!ileaf!io!rassilon!stuart
(From: Greg Ryding)
Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA
A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that
they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to
the local pharmacy to buy some condoms.
Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the
pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of
'42). The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says,
"What's wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you
wanna go to bed with each other. Why can't ya save sex for
when ya get married. You should wait until you're married!
Sex before marriage is a sin ya know."
Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that
his generation was a little different. He said that he and
his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take
precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist
conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the
condoms.
That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend
Katey's house for dinner with the family. When they all sat
down, Tom asked Katey's father if he could say grace. Her
father said yes and Tom proceded to say a beautiful eleven
minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the
President for the meal they were about to eat.
After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said,
"Tom, you never told me you were so religious!" Tom smiled
back and said, "Well, Katey, you never told me you father was
a pharmacist."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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From ag3@mentor.cc.purdue.edu Sat May 6 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!unmvax!ncar!mailrus!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: ag3@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Rodney Mood)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: I wish it were a joke
Keywords: topical, true, chuckle
Message-ID: <3200@looking.UUCP>
Date: 6 May 89 07:20:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 25
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: rutgers!mentor.cc.purdue.edu!ag3
According to _The_Providence_Journal_, Claudine Schneider, a
lawmaker from Rhode Island, mentioned to Dan Quayle during a
conversation that she spoke fluent French. Quayle was very
impressed by her language skills and replied by saying, "I was
recently on tour of Latin America and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
converse with those people."
All us Hoosiers down heer are reel prowd of good 'ol Danforth !-)
Of course, Central and Latin America are the pinnacle of
brilliance in U.S. foreign policy. After Reagan returned
>From *his* visit, he noted: "You'd be surprised. They're all
independent little countries down there!"
--
God Save Us,
Rodney Mood
mentor.cc.purdue.edu!ag3
--
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From len@csd4.milw.wisc.edu Sun May 7 02:20:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: len@csd4.milw.wisc.edu (Leonard P Levine)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Dangerous Waters
Keywords: topical, pun, smirk
Message-ID: <3205@looking.UUCP>
Date: 7 May 89 07:20:07 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 8
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: mailrus!ames!uwvax!uwmcsd1!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!len
What is the difference between a waltz and gunnery practice on a
modern battleship?
A waltz is a navel engagement without loss of semen.
--
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From cphoenix@csli.Stanford.EDU Sun May 7 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: cphoenix@csli.Stanford.EDU (Chris Phoenix)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Police stupidity
Keywords: smirk, sick
Message-ID: <3207@looking.UUCP>
Date: 7 May 89 10:30:05 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 13
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: uunet!csli.Stanford.EDU!cphoenix
Heard from a friend whose friend "actually" saw it happen.
There was a terrible auto accident, with body parts lying around.
A very stupid policeman was filling out a form telling where the parts were.
He was having some trouble spelling: "Torso, in ditch. t-o-r...s-o, in
d-i-c-no, t-c-h. Head, in avenue. h-e-d-no, h-e-a-d, in a-v-i...a-v-e...
<KICK> d-i-t-c-h.
--
Chris Phoenix
--
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From gmw1@cunixd.cc.columbia.edu Sun May 7 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: gmw1@cunixd.cc.columbia.edu (Gabe M Wiener)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Londoners' work ethic
Keywords: true, smirk
Message-ID: <3208@looking.UUCP>
Date: 7 May 89 23:30:06 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 26
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: uunet!cunixd.cc.columbia.edu!gmw1
When I was in London several months ago, I was staying in a hotel that is
well known for its great service. Anyway, we got back from the theater one
night at around 12:30 AM, and we decided to call for a little tea and apple
pie. So anyay, we phoned down for it, and an hour passed and it still had
not come.
I phoned down again and asked when the apple pie might be here. The response
was:
"Oh, we beg your pardon sir, it's just leaving the kitchen now. It should be
up to your room momentarily."
To that, I asked, "But I ordered it an hour ago. What took so long? What
were you doing, baking it?"
"Yes, sir."
I put the phone down.
----
Gabe Wiener -- Columbia University
--
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From greg@june.cs.washington.edu Mon May 8 02:20:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cadillac!pp!cs.utexas.edu!husc6!bloom-beacon!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!ucbvax!decwrl!decvax!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: greg@june.cs.washington.edu (Greg Barnes)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Exxon attacked
Keywords: topical, smirk
Message-ID: <3210@looking.UUCP>
Date: 8 May 89 07:20:05 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 20
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Reply-Path: june.cs.washington.edu!greg
[Background: Stephen Rice, a Seattle man, is charged with shooting at the
windows of a local Exxon station. Jonathan Love is the prosecutor for the
case]
(From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, page B1, Wednesday, April 19th:)
Love requested bail be set at $5000 pending arraignment tomorrow
and expressed concerns about the release of Rice.
"The defendant stated he would continue to shoot at Exxon stations
until they did something in Alaska about the oil spill," Love told the
court. "At the rate Exxon is progressing, it is best that Mr. Rice remain
in jail."
--
Greg Barnes
greg@cs.washington.edu
--
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From psrc@pegasus.UUCP Mon May 8 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cadillac!pp!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: psrc@pegasus.UUCP
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: in crashes, casualties are always the first truths?
Keywords: chuckle, generic ethnic stereotype
Message-ID: <3212@looking.UUCP>
Date: 8 May 89 10:30:06 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 10
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Reply-Path: att!pegasus!psrc
A JEDR jetliner exploded just after takeoff, and crashed into a cemetery.
So far, they've found four thousand bodies, and they're still digging.
--
Paul S. R. Chisholm, psrc@pegasus.att.com, att!pegasus!psrc
--
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From smithda@cpsvax.cps.msu.edu Mon May 8 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: smithda@cpsvax.cps.msu.edu (J. Daniel Smith)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Still more East Block Humor (East Germany)
Keywords: funny
Message-ID: <3214@looking.UUCP>
Date: 8 May 89 23:30:06 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
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Reply-Path: uunet!cpsvax.cps.msu.edu!smithda
I heard this one a few years ago in East Germany.....
Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow
by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby,
Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of of celebration activities,
there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow.
While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy
aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child repiles, "Mother
Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers,
"Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and
what do you want to be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies,
"a good communist!".
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very
impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to
[East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation,
Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration
includes a parade.
Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene:
He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child
replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic--East Germany]." "And
who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!",
replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan."
--
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From sidhu@bnlux0.bnl.gov Tue May 9 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: sidhu@bnlux0.bnl.gov (Satinder S. Sidhu)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: A lesson in Government
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <3223@looking.UUCP>
Date: 9 May 89 23:30:04 GMT
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Reply-Path: uunet!bnlux0.bnl.gov!sidhu
I heard the following many years ago from a friend who heard it in person at a
public lecture by the famous C. Northcote Parkinson at the Indian Institute of
Technology, Madras. Since this is second-hand (and from memory), it may not be
an exact quote but is close enough. The original delivery almost brought the
house down, as the cliche' goes.
Government's handling of a difficult matter by appointing a Commission
of Enquiry is just like a person going to the toilet -- there is a
sitting, a report, and then the matter is dropped!
--
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From psrc@pegasus.UUCP Wed May 10 02:20:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: psrc@pegasus.UUCP
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: old cold fusion?
Keywords: topical, chuckle, true
Message-ID: <3227@looking.UUCP>
Date: 10 May 89 07:20:05 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 19
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: att!pegasus!psrc
(alt.fusion cull, apparently true)
(This is a rumor that's making the rounds in the Netnews alt.fusion
discussion; I refer Netnews readers there for more information.)
There's a rumor that a Swedish chemist, back in 1926, submitted a
patent application for a technique of using palladium to turn hydrogen
into helium (essentially, the same setup that's behind the recent
"fusion in a jar" excitement).
There's another rumor that he gave up, because the technique generated
too much heat!
--
Paul S. R. Chisholm, AT&T Bell Laboratories
--
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From rostamia@umbc3.umbc.edu Wed May 10 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!rutgers!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: rostamia@umbc3.umbc.edu (Rouben Rostamian)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: It's not the meat
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, funny, sexual
Message-ID: <3228@looking.UUCP>
Date: 10 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 29
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: uunet!umbc3.umbc.edu!rostamia
(Source: Playboy Magazine)
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas
flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,
"and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she
adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never
love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many
times did _you_ make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you
this morning?"
"Don't stop."
--
Rouben Rostamian
--
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From amos@taux01.UUCP Sun May 14 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!husc6!mailrus!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: amos@taux01.UUCP
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Told in the USSR Again
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <3247@looking.UUCP>
Date: 14 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Organization: National Semiconductor (IC) Ltd, Israel Home of the 32532
Lines: 15
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: pyramid!nsc.nsc.com!nsc.com!taux01!amos
SInce we're into USSR jokes:
Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room;
Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but
the cat isn't there;
Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room,
the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!"
--
Amos Shapir
--
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From grazier@newton.physics.purdue.edu Sun May 14 18:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: grazier@newton.physics.purdue.edu (Kevin R. Grazier)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Memorial Day
Keywords: funny
Message-ID: <3249@looking.UUCP>
Date: 14 May 89 23:30:03 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 13
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: rutgers!newton.physics.purdue.edu!grazier
As told to me by a friend in the British Army:
A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the
bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker
had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR."
The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!"
Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of
his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted
with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"
--
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From steven@uts.amdahl.com Mon May 15 05:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!pp!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: steven@uts.amdahl.com (Fearless Leader)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: alphabet soup
Keywords: smirk, heard it, proctological
Message-ID: <3256@looking.UUCP>
Date: 15 May 89 10:30:07 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 40
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!mailrus!ames!amdahl!steven
(Cannot remember the origin, but this was my 'favorite' tasteless joke to
tell for many years)
Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend
of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been
doing.
The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment
program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got
an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage,
that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that
there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop
your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The muts does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick,
mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home"
with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"
--
/ Steven Swinkels //--
--
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From zeke@cs.sfu.ca Mon May 15 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: zeke@cs.sfu.ca (Zeke Hoskin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: oldie but coldie
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Message-ID: <3260@looking.UUCP>
Date: 15 May 89 23:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 27
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: ubc-cs!cs.sfu.ca!zeke
(This was current 25 years ago in Montreal.)
One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local
brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."
"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."
"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."
"Listen, I'm pretty desparate. I don't need a room."
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of
the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the
transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a
very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the
sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the
door, and knocks.
"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"
"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell
you that your sign fell down."
--
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From sohrt@wasatch.UUCP Tue May 16 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: sohrt@wasatch.UUCP (Wolfgang Sohrt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Another Eng/Phys/Math
Keywords: chuckle, science
Message-ID: <3263@looking.UUCP>
Date: 16 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 17
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!mailrus!wasatch!sohrt
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around
a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence
around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together
until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself
and defines himself as being outside.
--
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From witting@topaz.rutgers.edu Wed May 17 05:30:08 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: witting@topaz.rutgers.edu (Paul K Willing)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: In the Family Way
Keywords: heard it, chuckle, offense=Alabamans, sexual
Message-ID: <3327@looking.UUCP>
Date: 17 May 89 10:30:08 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.
Lines: 18
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: rutgers!topaz.rutgers.edu!witting
In a small Alabama town, almost everybody was excited about
the wedding that was comming up, but at the last moment, the groom
called off the wedding. A puzzled drifter wanted to know why.
PD: "Why did you call off the wedding so suddenly?"
Former groom: "I just found out last night that she's a
virgin!"
Even more PD: "But why is that so bad?"
FG father, leaping to his son's defense: "Hell, if she's not
good enough for her own kin, she ain't good enough for my son!"
--
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From gwills@maths.tcd.ie Thu May 18 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: gwills@maths.tcd.ie
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Cold_fusion
Keywords: topical, smirk, sexual
Message-ID: <3333@looking.UUCP>
Date: 18 May 89 07:20:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 13
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: uunet!ukc!maths.tcd.ie!gwills
Seen on the letter's page of the "Irish Times"
Dear Sir,
Sex is the best form of fusion at room temperature,
yrs, etc.
--
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From karenm@sybase.UUCP Thu May 18 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: karenm@sybase.UUCP (Karen McGeer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: anonymous taxpayer poetry
Keywords: topical, smirk
Message-ID: <3334@looking.UUCP>
Date: 18 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 23
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: allegra!ucbvax!mtxinu!sybase!karenm
This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989.
The poet is anonymous because, to quote the IRS spokesman,
"anything that's sent to the IRS is classified as confidential".
-Karen
I think that I shall never see
a tax form plain e-nough for me.
A form that I can understand
without a lawyer near at hand
to guide this poor benighted me
so I won't owe a pen-al-ty.
A form that I will not detest
or take as more than awful jest.
A form with pages I can read
and fill out ea-si-ly with speed.
Such forms weren't made for fools like me
Nor even God, who made a tree.
--
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From SW.WERNER@MCC.COM Sat May 20 17:01:05 1989
Flags: 000000000201
Date: Thu, 4 May 89 09:45 CDT
From: Jim Milstein <Milstein@MCC.COM>
Subject: Science Lite
To: hi-people@MCC.COM
Message-Id: <19890504144530.6.MILSTEIN@OX.ACA.MCC.COM>
SCIENTIST DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT - ADMINISTRATIUM
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
University physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium
(AD), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic number
is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron,
75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives
it an atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together
in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called memos.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which
it is present. According to one of the discoverers of the element, a
very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally
takes less than a second take over four days.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time
it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in
which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the
vice-neutrons exchange place. Some studies have indicated that the
atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.
Administratium was discovered by accident when a researcher angrily
resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped
all of his papers in the intake hatch of the University's particle
accelerator. "Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports,
grant forms, etc. with the particles in the accelerator created the
new element." an unnamed source explained.
Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium
might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist,
Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university
campuses, and in large corporation and government centers, near the
best-appointed and best-maintained building.
From mlf@genrad.com Sun May 21 02:20:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cadillac!pp!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: mlf@genrad.com (Matt Fichtenbaum)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny,sci.physics
Subject: The Fusion Jokes just keep on coming.
Keywords: original, topical, funny, offense=Utah
Message-ID: <3350@looking.UUCP>
Date: 21 May 89 07:20:07 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 11
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: inebriae!texbell!cs.utexas.edu!genrad.com!somewhere!mlf
The structure of the deuterium (heavy hydrogen) nucleus can be
described as "a proton married to two neutrons."
Maybe that's why the fusion experiments only work in Utah.
--
Matt Fichtenbaum
--
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From brent@uwovax.uwo.ca Sun May 21 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cadillac!pp!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: brent@uwovax.uwo.ca (Brent Sterner (UWO CCS))
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Moses ... good and bad news
Keywords: heard it, smirk
Message-ID: <3351@looking.UUCP>
Date: 21 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 15
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: julian!uwovax.uwo.ca!brent
The following was told at dinner yesterday. I have no idea
of the origin.
Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people:
"The good news is we got them down to ten."
"The bad news is that adultery is still one of them."
--
Brent Sterner
--
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From jap@cbnews.ATT.COM Mon May 22 02:20:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!mailrus!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: jap@cbnews.ATT.COM (James A. Parker)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny,sci.physics
Subject: Good News, Bad News
Keywords: original, topical, funny
Message-ID: <3357@looking.UUCP>
Date: 22 May 89 07:20:07 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 14
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: att!cbnews!jap
[The following is, as far as I can tell, original with me.]
There's good news and bad news on the investigation of the nuclear missile
dropped overboard near Japan:
The good news is that the U.S. Navy is going to scan for signs
of excess radiation.
The bad news is that they've hired Fleischmann and Pons to do the
testing.
--
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From BRYAN@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu Mon May 22 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: BRYAN@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: One of the first "Ollie goes to jail" jokes
Keywords: chuckle, singer stereotypes
Message-ID: <3360@looking.UUCP>
Date: 22 May 89 23:30:05 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 15
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: uunet!kuhub.cc.ukans.edu!BRYAN
The words that Oliver North dreads hearing:
"Yo! Bring that white boy over here! The Godfather of Soul
got somethin' for him!"
-Bryan
PS - I'm starting a punk group called "I Killed Lucy." Can anyone out
there play bongos and rhythm guitar?
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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From pt@geovision.UUCP Tue May 23 02:20:09 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: pt@geovision.UUCP (Paul Tomblin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Marcos
Keywords: sick, funny, topical
Message-ID: <3362@looking.UUCP>
Date: 23 May 89 07:20:09 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 11
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: gpu.utcs.toronto.edu!utzoo!dciem!nrcaer!cognos!geovision!pt
I can't understand why Corey Aquino won't allow Ferdinand Marcos back into
the country to die.
..After all, he let her husband come back into the country to die.
--
Paul Tomblin
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From mjansen@cs.vu.nl Tue May 23 05:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: mjansen@cs.vu.nl (Marten Jansen)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Give the baby a bath
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <3363@looking.UUCP>
Date: 23 May 89 10:30:03 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 17
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: uunet!cs.vu.nl!mjansen
It's the first time that father is giving baby Jan a bath. After a while
mother hears baby Jan crying and screaming.
She goes to the bathroom and sees that father is dragging baby Jan through
the water with his ears!
"What are you doing," asked mother to father, "you are holding him by his
ears!"
"Do you want me to burn my hands," replied father ....
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From gregj@microsoft.UUCP Wed May 24 01:28:15 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!purdue!decwrl!decvax!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: gregj@microsoft.UUCP
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Field Replacable Mouse Balls
Keywords: computer, chuckle, true
Message-ID: <3367@looking.UUCP>
Date: 24 May 89 06:28:15 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 53
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
{ed Yikes. 12 people have submitted this one. STOP IT!!!}
ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT
SUBJECT:NEW RETAIN TIP
Record number: H031944
Device: D/T8550
Model: M
Hit count: UHC00000
Success count: USC00000
Publication code: PC50
Tip key: 025
Date created: O89/02/14
Date last altered: A89/02/15
Owning B.U.: USA
Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacable Unit)
TEXT:
MOUSE BALLS ARE NOW AVAILABLE AS A FRU.
IF A MOUSE FAILS TO OPERATE,OR SHOULD PERFORM ERRATICALLY,IT MAY
BE IN NEED OF BALL REPLACEMENT.BECAUSE OF THE DELICATE NATURE OF
THIS PROCEDURE,REPLACEMENT OF MOUSE BALLS SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED BY
TRAINED PERSONNEL ONLY.
BEFORE ORDERING,DETERMINE TYPE OF MOUSE BALLS REQUIRED BY EXAMINING
THE UNDERSIDE OF EACH MOUSE.DOMESTIC BALLS WILL BE LARGER AND HARDER
THAN FOREIGN BALLS. BALL REMOVAL PROCEDURES DIFFER,DEPENDING UPON
MANUFACTURER OF THE MOUSE. FOREIGN BALLS CAN BE REPLACED USING THE
POP-OFF METHOD, AND DOMESTIC BALLS REPLACED USING THE TWIST-OFF METHOD.
MOUSE BALLS ARE NOT USUALLY STATIC SENSITIVE,HOWEVER,EXCESSIVE
HANDLING CAN RESULT IN SUDDEN DISCHARGE.
UPON COMPLETION OF BALL REPLACEMENT,THE MOUSE MAY BE USED IMMEDIATELY.
IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT EACH SERVICER HAVE A PAIR OF BALLS FOR
MAINTAINING OPTIMUM CUSTOMER SATISFACTION,AND THAT ANY CUSTOMER
MISSING HIS BALLS SHOULD SUSPECT LOCAL PERSONNEL OF REMOVING
THESE NECESSARY FUNCTIONAL ITEMS.
P/N33F8462 -- DOMESTIC MOUSE BALLS
P/N33F8461 -- FOREIGN MOUSE BALLS
--------------------------------------------------------------------
[This came out of an IBM service database. Of course it's referring
to the rubber ball inside a computer mouse...]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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From blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com Wed May 24 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!purdue!iuvax!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com (Emmett Black)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny,sci.physics
Subject: Cold Nuclear FUSION; another confirmation
Keywords: chuckle, topical
Message-ID: <3368@looking.UUCP>
Date: 24 May 89 07:20:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 16
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
A "classified government laboratory" in Great Britain has
allegedly reported successful replication of of the
"Fleischmann Cold Fusion Effect" (note they didn't mention Pons),
with some subtile difference in technique.
The principal difference appears to be that the
electrolytes were "shaken, not stirred."
--
Emmett (J.E.Black); GE Research
--
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From mark@sickkids.toronto.edu Wed May 24 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: mark@sickkids.toronto.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: A Jury of his Peers
Keywords: chuckle, true
Message-ID: <3372@looking.UUCP>
Date: 24 May 89 23:30:05 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 24
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!utzoo!sickkids!mark
The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of
humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following appeared
a few weeks ago:
In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer
was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his
cows.
The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his
boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool
and take liberties with the cow. Moments later, the witness said,
the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor
of the barn.
Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and
exclaimed, "They'll do that every time!"
---
Mark Bartelt
Hospital for Sick Children, Toronto
--
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From artm%phred%seahcx%entropy.ms.washington.edu%uw-beaver%rochester%ames.uucp@mailrus.cc.umich.edu Thu May 25 02:20:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: artm%phred%seahcx%entropy.ms.washington.edu%uw-beaver%rochester%ames.uucp@mailrus.cc.umich.edu (Curmudgeon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Catastrophic Spill
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Message-ID: <3373@looking.UUCP>
Date: 25 May 89 07:20:05 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Organization: Physio-Control Corp., Seattle, WA
Lines: 48
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
I got this from a neighbor who works for a fish packing company...
NEWS BULLETIN!!!
Today, in a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the
fish truck "Prince William Express" slammed into the side of the main
building of the new corporate headquarters spilling more than 20 tons
of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife on to
the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex.
Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out the in the sleeper compartment of the
state-of-the-art fish truck when the trusk struck the clearly-marked
building. "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had thewheel at the time of
the accident. Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive
on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources
suggest he has a history of drug abuse.
The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the
accident, but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran
out to a local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers. Woodhead
also contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud light", not a "hard
right".
The President of the Prince William Express Co. said that they would
assume full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in
about a month on the proposed clean-up procedure. He also stated
that thjey ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an
accident like this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish.
When asked about the clean-up equipment for such a spill, company
officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in
Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable
to be dispatched to the scene.
On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for
all species.
Vice President Dan Quail flew to the texaco headquarters today and
reported that there appeared to be no damage, and was returning to
Washington, DC.
--
Art Marriott
Physio-Control
--
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From wsmith@m.cs.uiuc.edu Thu May 25 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: wsmith@m.cs.uiuc.edu (Bill Smith)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The TJ Solution
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Message-ID: <3380@looking.UUCP>
Date: 25 May 89 23:30:05 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 19
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: m.cs.uiuc.edu!wsmith
A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small
children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.)
The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice "washing
machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired
and she said "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired." He rolled away.
Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine."
She said "I've got a headache."
He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned
to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine."
He replied. "That's OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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From tmm@apollo.UUCP Fri May 26 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: tmm@apollo.UUCP
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: For all you landlubbers out there
Keywords: smirk, heard it
Message-ID: <3381@looking.UUCP>
Date: 26 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 33
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!gatech!mit-eddie!apollo!tmm
Here's one people can tell to their grandmothers:
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very
successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the
world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was
admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning
he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's
quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envolope with a piece
of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it
back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a
treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated
the contents of the strange envolope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest,
the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened
the safe, got the envolope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words
were on the paper, two on two lines:
``Port Left Starboard Right''
--
Tom Mistretta
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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From c60c-3ds%WEB.Berkeley.EDU@lilac.berkeley.edu Sun May 28 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: c60c-3ds%WEB.Berkeley.EDU@lilac.berkeley.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Zen and the Art of Bicycle Riding
Keywords: funny
Message-ID: <3383@looking.UUCP>
Date: 28 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 35
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: uunet!lilac.berkeley.edu!c60c-3ds%WEB.Berkeley.EDU
Taken from the May/June 1989 Utne Reader, which took this from
Shawn Gosieski, New Cyclist, Fall 1988. (and it has come in from
other sources -ed)
A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market,
riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastary and had dis-
mounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?"
The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of
potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The
teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy! When you grow
old, you will not walk hunched over like I do."
The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields
pass by as I roll down the path!" The teacher commended the second student,
"Your eyes are open, and you see the world."
The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content
to chant nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third stu-
dent, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel."
The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony
with all sentient beings." The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth
student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming."
The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my
bicycle." The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said,
"I am your student!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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From gadbois@sygmund.cgs.utexas.edu Mon May 29 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: gadbois@sygmund.cgs.utexas.edu (David Gadbois)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Yet another East German joke
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <3396@looking.UUCP>
Date: 29 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
Lines: 24
Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: sygmund.cgs.utexas.edu!gadbois
(J. Daniel Smith's East German joke the other day reminded of this one.
Bill Fason told it to me a few years ago. --DG)
One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk
with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a
present of her choice.
She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich,
if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open
the borders just for one day."
Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her
request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?"
The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."
--
David Gadbois (gadbois@sygmund.cgs.utexas.edu)
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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From @MCC.COM:werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu Mon May 29 19:55:20 1989
Flags: 000000000201
Date: Mon, 29 May 1989 19:49:39 CDT
From: Werner Uhrig <werner@rascal.ics.UTEXAS.EDU>
To: humourous-friends@rascal.ics.utexas.edu
Subject: what the backbone is chuckling about these days ....
I wonder if "temporary insanity" is a valid defense for a computer;
or, maybe: "a virus made me do it" ... ?!!
To: <deleted to protect the innocent>
Subject: Those crazy soviets...
Date: Mon, 29 May 89 12:51:20 EST
From: <deleted to protect the guilty>
I had misplaced the paper this was in and thought I'd lost it.
I just now found it and thought the following article would be of
interest. I's from the 14 March 1989 issue of "Weekly World News" --
one of those supermarket tabloids.
Computer Charged with Murder After Frying Chess Champ
by Ragan Dunn
A Soviet super-computer has been ordered to stand trial for the murder
of chess champion Nikolai Gudkov -- who was electorcuted when he
touched the metal board that he and the machine were playing on!
"This was no accident -- it was cold-blooded murder," Soviet police
investigator Alexei Shainev told reporters in Moscow.
"Niko Gudkov won three straight games and the computer couldn't stand
it. When the chess master reached for his knight to begin play in the
fourth game, the computer sent a lethal surge of electricity to the
board surface. The computer had been programmed to move its chess
pieces by producing a low-level electric current.
"Gudkov was electrocuted while a gallery of hundreds watched."
The decision to put the computer on trial stunned legal experts around
the world. [I hope computer experts are also shocked, so to speak.
--spaf] But the Soviets are convinced that the computer had the pride
and intelligence to develop a hatred for Gudkov -- and the motive and
means to kill him.
The mind-boggling murder drama unfolded during a six-day chess
marathon between the M2-11 supercomputer and Gudkov, a world class
chess player.
According to reports, Gudkov defied all odds [Calculated by the same
supercomputer, no doubt. --spaf] and beat the machine in three consecutive
games. And when they prepared to begin their forth, a deadly dose of
electricity flowed up into the electronic board and zapped Gudkov dead.
Soviet authorities initially thought that the surge of electricity was
caused by a short-circuit. But an examination of the computer
revealed no problems.
It was later determined that the machine diverted the flow of
electricity from its brain to the chess board to ensure a victory over
Gudkov. [This implies that Soviet semiconductors work at voltages of a
few hundred volts, or maybe their supercomputers are tube-based?
--spaf]
"The computer was programmed to win at chess and when it couldn't do
that legitimately, it killed its opponent," said investigator Shalnev.
"It might sound ridiculous to bring a machine to trial for murder.
[!!] But a machine that can solve problems and think [sic] faster
than any human must be held accountable for its actions."
Rudi Hagemann, the Swiss legal scholar, agreed with the Soviet cop.
He said that the development of artificial intelligence has come so
far in recent years that certain computers and some robots "must be
considered human."
It isn't clear how the Soviets will punish the computer if it is found
guilty when it goes to court this spring. [Send it to a Gulag for
reprogramming? --spaf]
But Hagermann says the machine will probably be reprogrammed or dismantled
altogether.
I don't think there's much to say here, except in the way of warning: next
time you accuse the system of cheating at rogue, don't say it too loudly!
From tsang@cory.Berkeley.EDU Tue May 30 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: tsang@cory.Berkeley.EDU (Donald Tsang)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The Eighteen Bottles
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <3403@looking.on.ca>
Date: 30 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 39
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: cory.Berkeley.EDU!tsang
My dad found this on a bulletin board at work many years ago. My
sister recently found a copy hiding in some old school stuff she was
throwing out. A good challenge is to try to read the entire piece
aloud without laughing. Neither I nor my sister can do it.
The Eighteen Bottles
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew
the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the
exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from
the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I
pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the
cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down
the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks
with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,
which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle
peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so
feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
longer I get.
-- Author unknown
--
Donald Tsang
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From john%hpdsla@hp-sde.sde.hp.com Tue May 30 18:30:08 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!ucbvax!decwrl!sun-barr!texsun!texbell!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: john%hpdsla@hp-sde.sde.hp.com (John Fereira)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: This joke Quacks me up
Keywords: meta-joke, chuckle, sexual?
Message-ID: <3406@looking.on.ca>
Date: 30 May 89 23:30:08 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 18
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: hp-sde.sde.hp.com!john%hpdsla
A duck walks into a pharmacy waddles up to the prescription counter
and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
you?". The duck relplies, "Yes, I would like a box of condoms".
"Why certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
you like me to put it on your bill?". The duck answers, "What kind of
duck do you think I am?"
--
QUACK QUACK
John Fereira
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From watrous@aramis.rutgers.edu Wed May 31 02:20:08 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!rutgers!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: watrous@aramis.rutgers.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Elvis and Wright
Keywords: topical, smirk
Message-ID: <3408@looking.on.ca>
Date: 31 May 89 07:20:08 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 11
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: rutgers!aramis.rutgers.edu!watrous
Heard on Rush Limbaugh(sp?):
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and Jim Wright?
A: Everyone knows Wright is dead...
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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From wendell@ihlpa.on.ca Thu Jun 1 02:20:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: wendell@ihlpa.on.ca (Wendell J Wilcox +1 312 979 2073)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Life in Hell
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Message-ID: <3414@looking.on.ca>
Date: 1 Jun 89 07:20:06 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 49
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: att!ihlpa!wendell
This is a paradoy ad that appeared in the Chicago Reader. The
Reader is Chicago's underground paper.
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PUBLIC
Hi there,
On March 24, in the wee hours of the morning, mistakes
were made in the waters of Prince Willaim Sound, way up someplace
in Alaska. By now you all know that our tanker, the Hexxon Valdez,
was hit by a treacherous submerged reef that made us lose 240,00
barrles of vaulable oil into the uncooperative waters of the Sound.
We could sue that reef if we wanted to, but that's not
Hexxon's style. Instead we are keeping our fingers crossed that
this whole thing will blow over in a matter of weeks. Sure, there
will be disgusting pictures of filthy birds, fish and other
unsavory wildlife. But I hope that you know Hexxon has already
commited several hundred people to hose off those stubbord otters
that still happen to be alive.
Finally, and most importantly, I want you to believe how
sorry I am that this incindent has occured. We cannot, of course,
undo what has been done. Only God can do that, and He caused the
whole damn thing in the first place. But I can assure you that
since March 24, this little "in in the drink" problem has been
receiving our full attention, and and will continue to do so
until youu forget about the whole thing.
Thanks for your continued support. We couldn't do it
without you.
Keep on pumpin'
L.G. Crawl
Chairman
P.S. To those of you who suggested that we Hexxon
executives should be forced to go to Alaska and scrub those
oily rocks ourselves, not returning until the job is done,
no matter how long it takes, we simpply say this: YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. WE ARE RICH AND POWERFUL BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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From griffith%con.Berkeley.EDU@berkeley.edu Thu Jun 1 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: griffith%con.Berkeley.EDU@berkeley.edu (JimThe Big Dweeb Griffith)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Talk about a tough union...
Keywords: original, smirk
Message-ID: <3415@looking.on.ca>
Date: 1 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 12
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: uunet!BERKELEY.EDU!griffith%con.Berkeley.EDU
I hear that the guards at Los Alamos National Laboratory have gone on
strike. I would imagine that this means that the facility is sitting
there unguarded. Of course, crossing the picket line is a real bitch...
Jim
--
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From ajk@mace.cc.purdue.edu Thu Jun 1 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: ajk@mace.cc.purdue.edu (Jeff Boerio)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Front Page News
Keywords: chuckle, true
Message-ID: <3417@looking.on.ca>
Date: 1 Jun 89 23:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Organization: Tg Programming
Lines: 30
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: rutgers!mace.cc.purdue.edu!ajk
"Soviet lotto jackpot features toilet paper" (various sources)
MOSCOW - A lottery in the Ukranian city of Stakhanov didn't top the
$115 million jackpot offered last week in Pennsylvania, but the
winners seemed happy with their prizes: rolls of toilet paper.
The newspaper "Literary Gazette told the story of Ira, a girl who
bought three tickets and walked awat with several rolls of toilet
paper, a towel and a small bowl.
The lottery tickets cost 50 kopeks - about 81 cents - more than the
actual price of mant of the prizes.
"But don't forget that there are great shortages," Wednesday's
article read. "In the city of Stakhanov, except for the lottery,
one cannot get these goods."
Other lucky ticket holders in Stakhanov won hens, pigs, goats,
detergent, and bath soap.
---
Jeff Boerio -- Tg Programming
Purdue University Computer Science Dept.
--
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From wolsheim@prls.on.ca Fri Jun 2 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: wolsheim@prls.on.ca (Evert Wolsheimer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Fusing along
Keywords: topical, original, chuckle, gross
Message-ID: <3419@looking.on.ca>
Date: 2 Jun 89 07:20:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 28
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!pyramid!prls!wolsheim
Clearest evidence yet of cold fusion
------------------------------------
Yesterday in our labs we found the most convincing evidence of cold fusion
thus far. The experiment went like this....
Our laboratory rat Freddy was tied down in a container similar to the
one used by Pons & Fleischman. We then proceeded to insert a straw down his
throat, and connected the other end of the straw to a jar of heavy water.
At exactly 3 PM we opened the valve, and the heavy water started to flow
immediately. After five minutes Freddy showed clear signs of warming up,
and at 3:09:47 Freddy EXPLODED......
We immediately performed a control experiment with Jerry, Freddy's twin
brother, and this time we used ordinary tap water for the experiment.
Our claims of cold fusion were confirmed by the fact that Jerry exploded
after 10 minutes and 13 seconds, a full 26 seconds later than Freddy.
We are disappointed however in the reaction of our patent department,
they claim they don't think there is a commercial application for this
invention. We completely disagree with them. The amount of energy released
was incredible, based on the appearence of the lab after the explosion.
Oh well, we can always get a nice publication out of it...
--
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From alcmist@well.UUCP Sun Jun 4 05:30:09 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: alcmist@well.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Getting along with the natives
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <3427@looking.on.ca>
Date: 4 Jun 89 10:30:09 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 10
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: uunet!hpda!hplabs!well!alcmist
A U.S. Army survival manual tells how a stranded serviceman should deal
with the inhabitants of wherever he is:
"Be respectful of their personal property, especially their women."
--
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From dyer@ursa-major.SPDCC.COM Mon Jun 5 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!rutgers!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: dyer@ursa-major.SPDCC.COM (Steve Dyer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Elections in Poland
Keywords: topical, maybe, sexual
Message-ID: <3470@looking.on.ca>
Date: 5 Jun 89 07:20:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 20
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: ursa-major.SPDCC.COM!dyer
This joke, making the rounds in Warsaw, was related in an editorial in
the Boston Globe, 6/3/89. {ed Edited}
A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close.
"So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife.
"Two," he responds.
She slaps him hard across the face.
"What was that for?"
"You have a mistress, now do you!!?"
--
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From eacj@tcgould.TN.CORNELL.EDU Mon Jun 5 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: eacj@tcgould.TN.CORNELL.EDU (Julian Vrieslander)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Blind luck
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <3471@looking.on.ca>
Date: 5 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 14
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: tcgould.TN.CORNELL.EDU!eacj
A young woman has just undressed to step into the shower when the doorbell
rings. She goes to the door and says, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," comes the reply.
So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.
"Hmmm.. nice body, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"
--
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From samaddar@demon.siemens.com Mon Jun 5 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: samaddar@demon.siemens.com (Sumitro Samaddar)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The Gods must be Crazy
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <3475@looking.on.ca>
Date: 5 Jun 89 23:30:06 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 38
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: demon.siemens.com!samaddar
In Hindu mythology, we come across the idea that gods can
be pleased by praying to them in difficult conditions such
as in harsh weather, etc. Perhaps the idea was that if one
can concentrate the mind on God /(a god) inspite of the
distractions, God will be pleased. Anyway, I heard the
following irreverent joke about this concept a few years back.
... A guy makes up his mind to please one particular god - Yama.
(Yama is supposed to be the god of death - the cosmic hit man.
Like every god, he too has a vehicle - he rides on a bull.)
So this guy prays while standing on one leg, in rain, in snow,
... and so on. But Yama is in no hurry. The guy is getting
angry, but since he has already spent so much time on this
endeavor, he decides to see it through. Finally, after a long
time, Yama appears in front of him and ...
YAMA : "Son, I am very pleased with your devotion. You can have
3 boons. You may ask for wealth, women, immortality, anything."
Guy : "Gee, let me see... I have always been fascinated by your
bull. Let his two horns become one."
YAMA : "You are wasting 1 of your boons, but your wish is granted."
( and the bull's horns become one.)
Guy : "Lord, I have always wondered what it will be like to have
that horn shoved up someone's ass. Can YOU handle it?"
YAMA : ("What a weirdo .. but he has my word of honor.") "Well, OK.
But you only have 1 more boon/wish left."
Guy : "Your bull seems unhappy. Let his horn again become two."
--
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From jsl@unix.cis.pittsburgh.edu Thu Jun 8 02:20:08 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: jsl@unix.cis.pittsburgh.edu (John Lundberg)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: A dignified affair
Keywords: topical, chuckle, national stereotypes
Message-ID: <3488@looking.on.ca>
Date: 8 Jun 89 07:20:08 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 21
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: unix.cis.pittsburgh.edu!jsl
Comment on the Ayatollah's funeral in Tehran (wherein the corpse of the
dead religious leader was apparently tossed to the ground by frenzied
mourners trying to get a piece of his burial shroud to keep as a relic:
"It was a dignified affair, by Iranian standards."
(from Steve Hanson, DJ on Pittsburgh's WMYG)
========================
Original:
Q: What's the differnce between an Iranian funeral and an English soccer
match?
A: They sell beer at an English soccer match.
--
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From gould@pilot.njin.net Sun Jun 11 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: gould@pilot.njin.net (Brian Jay Gould)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: College rejection letter
Keywords: original, chuckle
Message-ID: <3502@looking.on.ca>
Date: 11 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 32
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: rutgers!pilot.njin.net!gould
I wrote this letter many years ago:
Pennsylvania State University Admissions
Address
Dear Sir,
I have received your acceptance for admission, and I regret
to inform you that I will not be attending your university in
coming years.
As a senior in high school, I have applied to many other fine
institutions to further my education. And, although yours
ranks high among them, I'm afraid that you failed to qualify.
Elimination under my system doesn't mean that you are not
qualified to educate other fine young men and women. It
merely reflects the high caliber of colleges and universities
competing for my acceptance.
My best wishes for your future.
Sincerely,
Brian Jay Gould
--
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From jailbird@ihlpm.UUCP Sun Jun 11 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: jailbird@ihlpm.UUCP (Ronald D Harvey +1 312 416 4683)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Beer drinking in the 90's
Keywords: original, smirk
Message-ID: <3503@looking.on.ca>
Date: 11 Jun 89 23:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 28
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: att!ihlpm!jailbird
"Gimme a Cold Filtered Big Joe Coors Dark Dry Lite Extra-Hearty
Draft Lager With The Imported Austrailian Taste In The Barrel-
Shaped Twist-Off Bottle and a mango, please. Oh, and one of those
specially-emblemed, frosted 24-ounce glasses."
"We're outta 'em."
"Oh. Gimme a can of Bud Lite, then."
"Glass?"
"Na."
"That'll be five bucks."
---
Ron D. Harvey jailbird@ihlpm.ATT.COM
"A body can work up a mean, mean thirst after a day of doing nothing."
--
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From msavage@axion.british-telecom.co.uk Tue Jun 13 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!rutgers!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: msavage@axion.british-telecom.co.uk
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Parable time
Keywords: maybe, swearing
Message-ID: <3510@looking.on.ca>
Date: 13 Jun 89 23:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 29
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: axion.british-telecom.co.uk!msavage
My brother in Belfast mailed this joke to me. They don't get the net over
there (yet), so it falls on me to forward it.
- *************************************************************************
There's this pheasant standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree" sighs
our feathered friend, "but I haven't got the energy." (bit of a
lazy layabout pheazzy) "Why don't you nibble on some of my droppings"
replies the bull sympathetically "they're packed with nutrients".
So our hero pecks at a lump of dung and finds he has enough strengh to
reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after some more eating
he can reach the second branch, and so it continues. Two weeks later we
find our plumed friend perched on the top of the tree proudly surveying
the countryside where he is spotted by the local farmer. "What a beautiful
creature" says the farmer as he dashes into the farmhouse. It is the work
of an instant for him to emerge with a shotgun and blow the f**k out of
the pheasant.
The moral of this minor tragedy? Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there!
--
|Manus Savage
|British Telecom Research Laboratories
--
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From psrc@pegasus.UUCP Fri Jun 16 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!bigtex!natinst!tntdev!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: psrc@pegasus.UUCP
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: at a Cambridge checkout counter
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Message-ID: <3519@looking.on.ca>
Date: 16 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 13
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: att!pegasus!psrc
(I heard this from an MIT grad, who says it's a classic).
A student pushes a loaded shopping cart up to the express checkout
lane at a Cambridge grocery store. The cashier looks at the cart,
looks at the student, looks at the "EXPRESS -- EIGHT ITEMS OR LESS"
sign, and says to the student, "Are you from Harvard, where they
don't know how to count? Or MIT, where they don't know how to read?"
--
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From howeird@hpwrce.UUCP Sun Jun 18 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: howeird@hpwrce.UUCP (Howard Stateman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: What will they think of next
Keywords: true, smirk
Message-ID: <3523@looking.on.ca>
Date: 18 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 33
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: inebriae!texbell!cs.utexas.edu!ucbvax.Berkeley.EDU!hplabs!hpwrce!howeird
(From hpwrc!hplabs!sun!plato!janos)
According to several press reports, the new drug of choice is
licking toads.
What a great lead!!
Yess, Bufo Alvirus (Sonoran desert toad to you simple folk) secretes
(a sweating toad?) bufotinine which doesn't do damn for the toad, but
makes humans feel very high indeed.
Says the Examiner story: "If you tried to lick this toad, it would
be a felonious act."
No report to date mentions what the toad turns into when you lick it.
Why not milk the toads and mix the stuff with something nice?
The head of DEA's western regional laboratory is not concerned:
"It's too nasty to screw around with," he said. "And you're going
to have to come up with a lot of toads to compete with cocaine and
marijuana."
The Berkeley police chief was suspicious because he knew of no
occurence of bufotinine use in Berkeley: "If it happened anywhere, it'd
be here," he said.
Now you know.
--
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From f-tsm@ifi.uio.no Tue Jun 20 05:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: f-tsm@ifi.uio.no (Truls Solheim Myklebust)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The priest.
Keywords: heard it, sexual, chuckle
Message-ID: <3529@looking.on.ca>
Date: 20 Jun 89 10:30:07 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 33
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: ifi.uio.no!f-tsm
A young lady had unwantedly become pregnant and wanted an abortion.
Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she could not and when
told so by her doctor she broke down and cried. "I can't have a baby
now...", she said, "There must be something you can do!". The doctor
thought about this for a while, and suddenly he came up with an idea:
"There is bound to be someone in this hospital in for an appendix
operation when you give birth, and we'll just give her the baby and
tell her it wasn't the appendix after all."
The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth
there were no women in for appendix operation in the hospital, in fact
the only person who was was an old priest. The doctor, desperately
realizing the gravity or the situation and his promise figured he
might as well try anyway.
The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate
conception he took his little son home. The years passed and his son
grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he
he called his son to his deathbed.
"There is sommething I have to tell you", said the priest,
"I am not your father". His son looked at him in surprise.
The priest went on; "I am your mother, the bishop is your father".
--
Truls Solheim Myklebust
University of Oslo
--
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From vvanduij@gara.une.oz.au Tue Jun 20 18:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: vvanduij@gara.une.oz.au (Vernon Van Duijnhouen STUG)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The difference between the nations
Keywords: sexual, national stereotypes, chuckle
Message-ID: <3532@looking.on.ca>
Date: 20 Jun 89 23:30:07 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Organization: University of New England, Armidale, Australia
Lines: 14
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: uunet!munnari!acsnet
Q. Why does an Englishman close his eyes when he has sex?
A. Because he doesn't like to see a woman dissapointed !!
Q. Why does an Australian man close his eyes when he has sex ?
A. Because he doesn't like to see a woman enjoy herself !!!!
--
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From hirayama@sumax.UUCP Thu Jun 22 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: hirayama@sumax.UUCP (Pat Hirayama)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: G'day Mate
Keywords: chuckle, true
Message-ID: <3537@looking.on.ca>
Date: 22 Jun 89 10:30:05 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 42
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: uunet!nwnexus!sumax!hirayama
(One for the True News Digest)
(From Paul Zucker, Newsbytes News Service:)
SYDNEY, Australia (NB) -- A friend of Newsbytes swears that the
following is a true story:
After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the
luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it
Dead On Arrival.
Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer
and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer:
"Did you check to see whether the power was on?"
"Of course."
DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards
had shaken loose in shipping?"
"Of course."
DED: Then why are you calling me?"
"Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of
warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser.
"Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the
warranty when you opened the cover."
Like we said, he swears it's a true story.
{ed NewsBytes is available via the Source, Genie, PC-Link & ClariNet}
--
Pat Hirayama
--
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From genesch@aplvax.jhuapl.edu Sun Jun 25 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!rutgers!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!attcan!looking!funny-request
From: genesch@aplvax.jhuapl.edu (Eugene Schwartzman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Understanding Your Paycheck
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <3556@looking.on.ca>
Date: 25 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Organization: The Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory
Lines: 48
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: uunet!aplcen.apl.jhu.edu!news
UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK:
GROSS PAY: $1222.02
INCOME TAX OUTGO TAX STATE TAX INTERSTATE TAX COUNTY TAX
244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 6.11
CITY TAX RURAL TAX BACK TAX FRONT TAX SIDE TAX
12.22 4.44 1.11 1.16 1.61
UP TAX DOWN TAX KNICKNACK TAX HACKENSAC TAX THUMBTAX
2.22 1.11 1.98 3.93 0.98
CARPET TAX SNACK TAX SURTAX MA'AM TAX PARKING FEE
0.69 8.32 3.46 3.46 5.00
NO PARKING FEE F.I.C.A. T.G.I.F. LIFE INS. HEALTH INS.
10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 16.23
DISABILITY INS. ABILITY INS. LIABILITY INS. DENTAL INS. MENTAL INS.
2.50 0.25 3.41 4.50 4.33
FUNDAMENTAL INS. COFFEE COFEE CUPS CALENDAR RENTAL FLOOR RENTAL
0.11 6.85 66.51 3.06 16.85
CHAIR RENTAL DESK RENTAL UNION DUES UNION DON'TS CASH ADVANCES
4.32 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69
CASH RETREATS OVERTIME UNDERTIME EASTERN TIME CENTRAL TIME
121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 8.00
MOUNTAIN TIME PACIFIC TIME DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME TIME OUT
7.00 6.00 4.44 12.21
OXYGEN WATER ELECTRICITY HEAT AIR CONDITIONING
10.02 16.54 38.23 51.42 46.83
MISC
169.24
TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02
--
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From bleckmd@jacobs.CS.ORST.EDU Mon Jun 26 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: bleckmd@jacobs.CS.ORST.EDU (david bleckmann)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Just off Letterman
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <3560@looking.on.ca>
Date: 26 Jun 89 10:30:06 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 23
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: mailrus!ames!hplabs!hp-pcd!orstcs!jacobs.CS.ORST.EDU!bleckmd
(On Late Night on 6/6/89.)
Dave has one of his more respectable guests on the show, a Connecticut
lady (didn't catch the name) who caters weddings and other social
events, and has written books on the subject.
She poses a question for Dave, that apparently someone has written her:
"Suppose have have set up a huge party in honor of someone. You
have set up a band, a large outdoor tent, and a complete spread of
hors 'doeuvres, etc. Hundreds of invitations have been sent out.
"Then, the night before the event, the guest of honor dies. What would
you do?"
Dave replied, "Make sure he had adequate ventilation."
--
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From dave@stcns3.stc.oz.au Mon Jun 26 18:30:12 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: dave@stcns3.stc.oz.au (Dave Horsfall)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Some gross jokes from STC
Keywords: sexual, stereotypes, smirk
Message-ID: <3562@looking.on.ca>
Date: 26 Jun 89 23:30:12 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Organization: Alcatel STC Australia, North Sydney, AUSTRALIA
Lines: 17
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: uunet!munnari!news
(These are being told by our delightful receptionist:)
Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you.
Q: What do lobster thermidor and oral sex have in common?
A: You can't get either of them at home.
--
Dave Horsfall (VK2KFU), Alcatel STC Australia
--
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From mick@tasis.utas.oz.au Tue Jun 27 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: mick@tasis.utas.oz.au (Michael Purvis)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Army
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <3565@looking.on.ca>
Date: 27 Jun 89 23:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Organization: Elec Eng & Comp Sci, Uni of Tasmania, Australia
Lines: 13
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
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"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so
you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't
never going to stand in line again!"
--
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From steve@cit5.cit.oz.au Wed Jun 28 18:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: steve@cit5.cit.oz.au (Steve Balogh)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Postponed embarrassment
Keywords: true?, sexual, smirk
Message-ID: <3567@looking.on.ca>
Date: 28 Jun 89 23:30:03 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Organization: Chisholm Institute of Technology, Melb, Australia
Lines: 23
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: uunet!munnari!news
(Source: Melbourne Herald, In Black & White 14/6/89)
A mother due for an appointment with her gynaecologist was running too far
behind schedule to fit in a shower, so she opted for a quick cleanse with a
face washer.
While being examined by the gynaecologist, she was taken aback by his
cryptic remark:
"You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble!"
Well, she never...
But all became clear that night, when the woman's teenage daughter arrived
home and apologised for the spilt bottle of glitter on the bathroom floor.
The sweet thing had mopped up the mess using the mother's face washer!
--
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From wsinrb@eutrc3.UUCP Thu Jun 29 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: wsinrb@eutrc3.UUCP (r.bieling)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: red-tapism
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <3568@looking.on.ca>
Date: 29 Jun 89 10:30:06 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 47
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: netherlands.eu.net!eutrc3!wsinrb
From:
"de banaan wordt bespreekbaar", cultuurverandering in
ambtelijk en politiek Groningen. door Tom Pauka en
Rein Zunderdorp (Nijgh en van Ditmar, 1988)
Translated:
"the banana becomes open to discussion", cultural changes in
administrative and political Groningen (city in Netherlands) by
Tom Pauka and Rein Zunderdorp (Nijgh and van Ditmar, 1988)]
Red-tapism:
Take a cage with apes. In the cage we hang a banana on a string,
and put a stairs under it. Before long an ape goes to the stairs
towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs,
all apes are sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or
another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all
apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the
stairs, the others will try to prevent it.
Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new
ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his
horror all other apes attack him. After another attempt he
knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up. Then we
remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The
newcommer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous
new ape takes part in the punishment with enthousiasm.
A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one
makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the
apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs.
We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc until all
apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs.
"but Sir, why not?"
"Because that's the way we do things here, lad."
--
Rob and Huub
--
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From ilana@cgdra.UCAR.EDU Mon Jul 3 18:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: ilana@cgdra.UCAR.EDU (Ilana Stern)
Subject: What's in a name?
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 3 Jul 89 23:30:03 GMT
(From Time Magazine, 19 June 1989 (therefore presumably true):)
No international laws govern the christening of countries; the label
that sticks is determined by the tastes or even the sanity of its
rulers. Anti-colonialism, however, is the most common rationale for
national renaming.
Filipinos have long bristled at the colonialistic implications of calling
their country the Philippines, in honor of Philip II of Spain. During
the regime of Ferdinand Marcos, there was a campaign to rename the
country "Maharlika", a native word meaning noble and aristocratic.
Plans for the rechristening proceeded apace until an academic pointed out
that the word was probably derived from Sanskrit.
Fine, its proponents said, Sanskrit is a non-imperialist language.
Yes, replied the scholar, but "Maharlika" was most likely derived from the
words "maha lingam," meaning "great phallus."
That was the end of the campaign.
--
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From alcmist@well.UUCP Tue Jul 4 05:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: alcmist@well.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: What is Socialism?
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 4 Jul 89 10:30:06 GMT
The Poles say it's the longest and most painful
of the roads to capitalism.
[quoted by Michael Novak in Forbes]
--
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From falces@umvlsi.ecs.umass.edu Thu Jul 6 02:20:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: falces@umvlsi.ecs.umass.edu (Laurel Falces)
Subject: Pete Rose
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 6 Jul 89 07:20:06 GMT
(From David Letterman's show of Tuesday 6-27-89, and transcribed from the
USA Today issue of 6-28-89...)
TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO SUSPEND PETE ROSE FROM BASEBALL
10. Really young gamblers need a role model.
9. Ten million Pete Rose wigs already shipped to Hall of Fame gift shop.
8. If suspended, might reveal identity of San Diego Chicken.
7. He kept his promise to kid in hospital: "I'm putting 50 bucks on
today's game for you, son."
6. Might go play baseball in Japan and develop comercially viable
superconductor during the offseason, which would increase Japan's
ever-widening economic supremacy over the United States.
5. He bet five grand they would suspend him and will make 50 grand at
10-to-1 odds.
4. No casino greeter jobs currently open.
3. Baseball needs professional wrestling pizzazz of being fixed.
2. How can you suspend Off Track Betting's "Man of the Year"?
1. Betting slips, fingerprints, handwriting, telephone records, sworn
depositions -- Come on! Let's have some REAL proof!
--
John Franjione
--
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From rdclark@apple.com Thu Jul 6 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: rdclark@apple.com (Richard Clark)
Subject: Surgeon General
Keywords: chuckle, sexual
Date: 6 Jul 89 10:30:04 GMT
From Mark Russel's recent special --
"Did you know, that just a few years ago, C Everett Koop was a
`3-pack a day' man? That's a lot of condoms!"
--
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From greg@bosco.Berkeley.EDU Thu Jul 6 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: greg@bosco.Berkeley.EDU
Subject: Comments on the future evolution of languages.
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 6 Jul 89 23:30:04 GMT
Comments on the future evolution of languages:
There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in
all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the
future.
In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All
consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving
only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred from
facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.
These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate
to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.
In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other
vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.
Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other alphabets
in the world.
The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin
alphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating
Russian into Polish.
Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus
a verb at the end, of course.
--
Greg
greg@math.berkeley.edu
--
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From dg@lakart.UUCP Fri Jul 7 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: dg@lakart.UUCP (David Goodenough)
Subject: Minimum wage
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 7 Jul 89 07:20:04 GMT
When questioned as to why he vetoed the minimum wage increase,
George Bush is reported to have replied:
"I didn't think Dan Quale deserved a pay rise"
[Heard on an early morning radio show in Boston (Loren & Wally in the morning,
WVBF FM 105.7 - Boston)]
--
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From rolfe@umn-cs.cs.umn.edu Fri Jul 7 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: rolfe@umn-cs.cs.umn.edu (Timothy Rolfe)
Subject: Potentially offensive to economists
Keywords: smirk
Date: 7 Jul 89 10:30:04 GMT
K. M. Reese, "Newscripts", Chemical & Engineering News
(26 Jun 89), p. 64: "An economist, incidentally, is a chap who,
when asked for his social security number, gives an estimate."
--
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From jans%stammer.labs.tek.com@RELAY.CS.NET Sat Jul 8 02:20:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: jans%stammer.labs.tek.com@RELAY.CS.NET (Jan Steinman)
Subject: George *has* balls!
Keywords: chuckle, topical
Date: 8 Jul 89 07:20:05 GMT
Philip Agee, former CIA agent turned intelligence community watchdog and
whistle-blower, spoke in April at Reed College in Portland. He quoted Manuel
Noriega: "I've got George Bush by the balls," and noted that the quote
was "one of those rare statements that contains *two* revelations."
--
Jan Steinman - N7JDB
Electronic Systems Laboratory
--
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From kra@hpcndaw.cnd.hp.com Thu Aug 3 23:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: kra@hpcndaw.cnd.hp.com
Subject: On "reserve" with an airline
Keywords: true, chuckle, mildly sexual
Date: 3 Aug 89 23:30:03 GMT
Reported as a true story:
When you're on "reserve" with an airline, you fly when they tell you
to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing
or missing an assigned trip.
This captain gets an "A" for his creativity in avoiding an assignment.
When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him to a 5 A.M.
departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice loud
enough for them to hear on the other end, "Here, darling, I think it's
someone calling for your husband."
Crew scheduling omitted the usual question and answer period.
--
>From the book "Cabin Pressure" by Liz Harwell and Corylee Spiro
Copyright 1989 St. Martins Press Reproduced with permission of the authors.
All typos and any inaccuracies are the fault of the submitter,
not Harwell and Spiro.
Katherine Albitz
k_albitz%hpcnd@hplabs.hp.com
From gal@atux01.UUCP Wed Aug 9 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: gal@atux01.UUCP
Subject: All about Baseball
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 9 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT
BASEBALL
(as explained to a foreign visitor)
You have two sides one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's not on the side that's in goes out and when he's out he
comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When three men are out the side that's out comes in and the side
that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out nine times including the not outs
That's the end of the game!
--
gary levine
--
From mph@praxis.UUCP Wed Aug 9 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mph@praxis.UUCP (Martin Hanley)
Subject: There were these two dogs...
Keywords: smirk, sexual
Date: 9 Aug 89 23:30:05 GMT
There were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing the
other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
"What are you here for?" he asks.
"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore
it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off."
"I don't blame you. So, what are you here for?"
"Erm... well... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going to
be... you know... I'm going to have the *operation*..."
"Oh dear. I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
"Go on, tell me. Please..."
"OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so I
was feeling... you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the
kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I
just couldn't resist it!" admitted the dog.
"Oh, so you're here for the operation too, then."
"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
--
Martin Hanley (mph@praxis.co.uk)
Administrative note:
"All about Baseball" is reportedly just a slightly modified version
of an original piece about Cricket, from the Marybourne Cricket Club
From wang@brauer.harvard.edu Sun Aug 13 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: wang@brauer.harvard.edu (Yang Wang)
Subject: Poor old Dan Again
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 13 Aug 89 07:20:04 GMT
The White House is allegedly sending Dan Quayle to People's Republic
of China to find out who is really in charge. Asked whether in the
current reign of terror it might be unsafe for our beloved VP to go,
John Sununu, the White House Chief of Staff, answered : 'Oh no no,
in China they only persecute intellectuals'.
From stuart@rassilon.UUCP Sun Aug 13 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: stuart@rassilon.UUCP (Stuart Freedman {x3262})
Subject: fishing again...
Keywords: swearing, chuckle
Date: 13 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT
From: Ken Ericson
Here's an old one but it compliments the religious one you forward.
God Damn Fish
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper.
A man was walking by and said: "Wow, what a god damn fish"!
The Sister said: "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that. I'm a nun."
And the man said: "But that's the name of it, a god damn fish."
So the Sister took the fish back to the rectory, and said:
"Mother Superior, look at the god damn fish I caught."
The Mother Superior said: "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that,"
..and the Sister said: "But Mother Superior, that's the name of it,
a god damn fish."
So the Mother Superior said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and
I'll clean it".
While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in and she said:
"Monsignor, look at the god damn fish that the sister caught".
The Monsignor said: "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that",
and the Mother Superior said: "but that's the name of it, a god damn fish".
So the Monsignor said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and I'll cook it".
That evening, at supper, there was a new priest at the table,
and he said: "Wow, what a nice fish,"
...and the Sister said "I caught the god damn fish,"
...and Mother Superior said "I cleaned the god damn fish,"
...and the Monsignor said, "I cooked the god damn fish."
And the new priest said "I like this fucking place already"!
From rubik%bucsb.BU.EDU@bu-it.bu.edu Sun Aug 13 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: rubik%bucsb.BU.EDU@bu-it.bu.edu (vadim maystrovsky)
Subject: Boomerang's tough luck
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 13 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT
An Australian farmer is sitting on a stone near his farm, all in blood
and crying. His neighbor is passing by.
"What's wrong?" the neighbor asks.
"I bought a new boomerang," the crying guy answered.
"So, why are you crying?" the neighbor asks again.
"I cannot throw away the old one..."
From swfc@read.cs.columbia.edu Mon Aug 14 02:20:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: swfc@read.cs.columbia.edu (Shu-Wie F Chen)
Subject: The Flag Takes A Licking
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 14 Aug 89 07:20:05 GMT
New York Times, August 8, 1989, Letter to the Editor, by Ruth L. Kaplan:
The other day I bought a roll of 25 cent postage stamps. I have not
had a moment's peace since. For, upon unfurling this roll, I
discovered that every one of the 100 stamps bears the unmistakable
likeness of the American flag.
To appreciate my consternation, consider what is in store for these
stamps. First, I must lick the flag-- er, stamp. Then I will drop it
into a dark box, where it may well be bruised, possibly even torn.
Next, the stamp/flag will go to the Post Office, where an inexorable
machine will stomp on it, defiling it with ugly lines in order to
"cancel" it.
"Cancel" our inviolable flag?
But wait. The horrors mount. In time, the stamp will reach the
addressee, who may rip it, eagerly opening the envelope.
Ultimately, the flag stamp-- licked, cancelled, defaced, ripped-- will
be consigned to the trash, doomed to decompose in a dump, linger in a
landfill or-- shudder!-- be converted to charcoal and burned under a
steak.
What's a patriot to do?
I wonder if the Post Office will allow me to return a rerolled roll of
stamps. But even it it does, it'll just resell it, perhaps to some
insensitive stamper who will lick, deface, cancel and rip those flags
without a twinge of conscience.
I pray (but not in school) for some official, even Presidential, guidance.
Ruth L. Kaplan is a retired Federal (but not postal) employee.
From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Mon Aug 14 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: Plastics....
Keywords: heard it, chuckle, sexual
Date: 14 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and
he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,
it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven
years ago, I would have a seat today."
From norm@hpfcnorm.hp.com Mon Aug 14 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: norm@hpfcnorm.hp.com
Subject: Speeding Tickets
Keywords: true, smirk, sexual
Date: 14 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT
A friend of mine worked as a State Highway patrolman in Wyoming for several
years. Whenever he pulled someone over for speeding, he would always ask
them why they were exceeding the speed limit. If the excuse was original,
he would usually let them off with a warning. He said the best excuse he
ever got was the following:
Him: "So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55 zone?"
Driver: "Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes
and I want to be there when it happens."
Norm Gee
--
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From nair@quintus.UUCP Tue Aug 15 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: utastro!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!wuarchive!texbell!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: nair@quintus.UUCP (Anil Nair)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Cricket match which is funnier than baseball
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <4012@looking.on.ca>
Date: 15 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 27
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: Sun.COM!quintus!nair
The Baseball description reminds me of how this
native went to his first cricket match and described it
to his witchdoctor after he got back. I heard it when
I was in college and have no idea where it originated.
He said "It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big
crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field
with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle.
There were three sticks at either end of the strip.
A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters
and he tossed a coin in to the air. They went out and out
came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded
and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs
and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at
either end of the strip and one of the other men came running
towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding
the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour.
White man sure knows how to make rain"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From msw%chem@ucsd.edu Wed Aug 16 02:20:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: msw%chem@ucsd.edu (Mark S. Warren)
Subject: "I'm sorry Mr. Lowe, but your insurance won't cover THAT"
Keywords: topical, smirk, sexual
Date: 16 Aug 89 07:20:05 GMT
A true and sort of bizzare story....
Source: San Diego Union newspaper, Aug. 3, page F-2....
Actor Rob Lowe wants his insurance company to pay his legal fees or
any damages awarded to a Georgia woman suing him over her teen-age
daughter's appearance in a homemade pornographic videotape.
But the Chubb Custom Insurance Company of New Jersey said Lowe's
insurance policy does not cover "intentional actions" such as
using "celebrity status as an inducement to females to engage in
sexual intercourse, sodomy, and multiple-party sexual activity for
his immediate sexual gratification and for the purpose of making
pornographic films."
The Chubb folks have asked a federal judge in Atlanta to rule that
damages arising from making sex tapes in a hotel room are not a covered
item under a homeowner's policy.
(But exactly what DOES that policy cover anyway???)
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Wed Aug 16 05:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: Next time he'll knock....
Keywords: smirk, sexual
Date: 16 Aug 89 10:30:03 GMT
Two guys, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a
ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work,
work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys that the foreman left every day
at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they decided to start leaving at 3:15.
The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left at
3:15. Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom door, and there
on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly runs back to the job and
digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when Ed arrives at work, Stan says,
"Listen Ed, we can't knock off work any more at 3:15.....
I almost got caught!!!!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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From Chris@AUSTIN.LOCKHEED.COM Wed Aug 16 18:30:08 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: Chris@AUSTIN.LOCKHEED.COM (Chris Wood)
Subject: Frustration -- Party Joke
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 16 Aug 89 23:30:08 GMT
(Kinda long, but it makes a good party joke:)
A small balding <ethnic> storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of
the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear,
pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The <ethnic> swills down the drink and says "Gimme another one!".
The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't
you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So the <ethnic> begins his tale:
"Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blonde slinks in,
and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought WOW, this has never happened
before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of
minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans
over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested? I couldn't believe this was
happening! I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand, and starts
walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good
to be true!"
"She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon
as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing!
I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon
as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and someone
starts fumbling with the door."
The blonde says "Ohmygod, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling
match tonight, he's gonna be real mad! Quick, HIDE!"
"So, I opened at the closet, but I figured that was probably he first place he
would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I
figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could here the key in the lock.
I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my
fingers praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this
point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out 'Who
you been sleeping with now, bitch?' The girl says 'Nobody, honey, now come to
bed and calm down'. Well the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear
the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm
glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it
across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either."
"Then I here him say 'What's that over there by the window?' I think 'Oh Shit,
I'm dead meat now'. But the blond by now is trying real hard to distract him
and convince him to stop looking."
"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long
time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a
sudden the asshole pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right
on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my
scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut
over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess,
I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand
why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss you
off?"
"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was only
about 6 inches off the ground!"
Chris Wood
--
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From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Thu Aug 17 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: that's it. no kids...
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 17 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT
NEW INFANTS MIRACLE DIET FOR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE
Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet) or
you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat
diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days,
or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there
nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends that you've got a gland
problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the Infants' Miracle Diet.
Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year olds are
trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that
perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians,
X-ray technicians and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new
diet. It is inexpensive, offers great variety and sufficient quantity.
Before embarking on the diet however, be sure to check with your doctor,
otherwise you might have to see him afterward.
FIRST DAY:
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly. Eat two
bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite
of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons
(any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only,
then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips
of stale beer. Before Bedtime, toast a piece of bread and toss it on the
kitchen floor.
SECOND DAY:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of
Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to be eaten not smoked). Ice cube
if desired. After lunch, lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside
and drop it in the dirt. Retrieve it and continue slurping until it is clean
again. Bring it inside and drop it on the rug. Dinner: A rock or and an
uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea
over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
THIRD DAY:
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers
in hair. Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes in glass. After
breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz and put on cushion of your
best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: dish
of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
LAST DAY:
Breakfast: a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive,
pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup sugar. When cereal is
soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor
and dining room carpet, including bites of sandwich you spit out yesterday.
One soft drink. Find sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti
and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
(Weght_Loss VaxNotes - BP)
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Fri Aug 18 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: Take a letter, Maria...
Keywords: heard it, funny
Date: 18 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT
MEMORANDUM
From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is
an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and
have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and
inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the
day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the
comet.
MEMORANDUM
From: General Manager
To: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's
Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's
work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show
films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.
MEMORANDUM
From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's
Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn,
the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs
only every 75 years.
MEMORANDUM
From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the
auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If
it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us
all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.
MEMORANDUM
From: Section Chief
To: All EA's
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal
75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before
all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
{ed There are many variants of this.}
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
From mjm@ndcheg.cheg.nd.edu Sun Aug 20 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mjm@ndcheg.cheg.nd.edu (Mark McCready)
Subject: Bryant and the experts
Keywords: chuckle, true
Date: 20 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT
Heard on the Today Show 8/2/89
Bryant Gumbal interviewing a middle east expert
Bryant: Sir, What is that the Soviets did, that was so
effective at getting their kidnapped diplomats back
that we could not or were not willing to do ??
Expert: Well, they called in the KGB who promptly kidnapped
some relatives of the people who were presumed responsible,
castrated them and sent them back with the message that this
would happen to the the kidnapers themselves if the hostages
were not released. You can imagine what NBC would have said
if the US had done this.
Bryant: Yes and we would not have had film at 11 !!
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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From mbr@larch.LCS.MIT.EDU Mon Aug 21 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mbr@larch.LCS.MIT.EDU (Mark Reinhold)
Subject: Concurrency in the real world
Keywords: computer, funny
Date: 21 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT
Organization: MIT Laboratory for Computer Science
New York Times, 25 April 1989, in an article on new operating systems for the
IBM PC:
Real concurrency---in which one program actually continues to function
while you call up and use another---is more amazing but of small use to the
average person. How many programs do you have that take more than a few
seconds to perform any task?
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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From blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com Mon Aug 21 18:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com (ody)
Subject: Maladies of age...
Keywords: smirk
Date: 21 Aug 89 23:30:07 GMT
For many years, I've battled with the infamous "Dunlop's Disease" ...
a condition caused by age and lake of proper maintenance in which
your "stomach `done lopped' over your belt."
I had noticed that most women do not suffer from this condition,
many of them accumulating any excess weight on the hips and thighs,
and/or under the belt.
I've recently discovered, however, that some women also suffer from a
malady similar to Dunlop's disease in that it is also caused by age
and lack of maintenance called "Bureau Breakdown" ...
in which your chest falls into your drawers.
--Emmett
--
J.E.Black; GE Research/K1-3C26; Schenectady, NY 12345
blackje@crd.ge.com
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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From gc1a+@andrew.cmu.edu Tue Aug 22 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: gc1a+@andrew.cmu.edu (Glenn Cassidy)
Subject: Endorsed by the Almighty
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 22 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT
The following is a promotional spot heard on a college radio station:
"Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh--which is all the time,
since I'm omnipresent--I listen to all the radio stations at once,
including WRCT."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Fri Aug 25 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: sad but true....
Keywords: true, funny
Date: 25 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT
{ed Looks like this was collected from the various discussions of
this in comp.misc a long while ago.}
Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer
---------------------------------------------
When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me
to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette
failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head
crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we
wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded
with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked
the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline.
A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of
the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk
had been xeroxed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive:
"Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"
Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk....
The operator believed it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at
Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily
crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we
broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon.
There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the
Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up
to the counter and queried:
"What's wrong with the computer?"
Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight
in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt."
A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked:
"Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all
aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing
mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk:
Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?"
HD: "Data Entry."
Caller: "Thank you!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard in a student computer lab:
Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your
name and press RETURN.' What do I do??"
Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN."
Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the
lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he
couldn't think of a six-letter word.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Fri Aug 25 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: sad but true....
Keywords: true, funny
Date: 25 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT
{ed Looks like this was collected from the various discussions of
this in comp.misc a long while ago.}
Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer
---------------------------------------------
When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me
to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette
failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head
crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we
wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded
with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked
the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline.
A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of
the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk
had been xeroxed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive:
"Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"
Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk....
The operator believed it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at
Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily
crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we
broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon.
There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the
Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up
to the counter and queried:
"What's wrong with the computer?"
Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight
in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt."
A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked:
"Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all
aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing
mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk:
Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?"
HD: "Data Entry."
Caller: "Thank you!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard in a student computer lab:
Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your
name and press RETURN.' What do I do??"
Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN."
Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the
lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he
couldn't think of a six-letter word.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
From suhre@stingray.dsd.trw.com Mon Aug 28 18:30:04 1989
From: suhre@stingray.dsd.trw.com
Subject: News of the Weird
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 28 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT
(As I mentioned before, NotW isn't currently copyrighted, at least
not these articles which appeared in the June LA Reader. So, here they
are. mes)
News of the Weird
Lead Story
Paul LaSalle, twenty-six, was killed near Mt. Pleasant, N.Y.,
in March. He lost control of his car when he pulled alongside a driver
and began to berate him for having just cut LaSalle off.
Government in Action
Debra Gadsen, nineteen, was released early from her five year
sentence i
newborn child to die in a dormitory closet, wrapped in plastic bags)
because she was discovered to be pregnant again.
The U.S. Air Force announced that an MX missile accidentally
dropped seven inches in its silo in Wyoming last June. The cause was
faulty glue. Repairs will cost $4,780,000 -- or $683,000 per inch.
A February report from Finland's Health Ministry, concerned about
declining population and a high incidence of stress among workers
recommended that people should take "sex holidays" from work. The
proposal was immediately endorsed by a Lutheran church official in
Finland.
In February the Environmental Protection Agency inspector
general told a congressional committee that its toxic waste cleanup
program is so badly managed that the agency hired contractors as
telephone receptionists for $30 an hour.
Patrick Kennedy (son of Senator Edward Kennedy) spent $8,000 for
the 1,324 votes ($66 per vote) he received in last year's primary for the
part time Rhode Island legislature seat he eventually won.
San Francisco official accused two cities of intentionally
"dumping" mental patients in their city by buying them one-way plane
tickets there. The director of the city's mental health program said,
"San Francisco is identified as the city of the crazies. We do much
more than other cities and counties. "
Last fall during a public budget confrontation determining how
Franklin County (Ohio) libraries would receive funds, the director of
the Columbus Public Library slapped the director of the Bexly Public
Library, who retaliated with a punch.
Police Blotter
Larry Tubbs, twenty-nine, was sentenced to thirty days in jail in
Lawrence, Kan., for a November incident in which he bit a woman on the
leg and stomach during a church service.
In Prague, a 506 pound man identified as Zbynek M., aged
fifty-two, was sentenced to twelve years in prison for stealing $120,000
worth of food.
Salt Lake City police found a pair of severed legs, each wearing
a different colored sock, in a garbage can behind a grocery store.
Marlene T. Sipes, a Columbia S.C. lawyer, was suspended for a
year in March by the state supreme court on charges that she pocketed
$1,819 in 1986 from her daughter's Girl Scout troop cookie fund.
Los Angeles police Daryl Gates suspended officer Juan Gomez in
December for having broken wind in the faces of two arrestees in
September. Gomez blamed the problem on indigestion, but his supervisor
called Gomez "feloniously flatulent." One arrestee accused Gomez of
preceding one blast with the words, "Check this out."
Willie Carrol Williams, thirty-seven, was arrested in Sarasota,
Fla., for bank robbery in December. According to police, he had no
getaway car but hailed a taxicab outside the bank and paid the driver to
take him to local malls for a Christmas shopping spree. After police
trapped him an hour later, the taxi driver quoted Williams as saying,
"When you've got the money, you might as well spend it."
--
Maurice Suhre
{decvax,ucbvax}!trwrb!suhre
--
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From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: harkin%hpindda@hplabs.hp.com (Art Harkin)
Subject: Comedy Day Celebration Jokes
Keywords: laugh
Date: 19 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.
Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).
These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:
Michael McShane
---------------
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
them two hammers and a toilet seat.
I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Sue Murphy
----------
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
Fred Reuss
----------
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
Great song.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
Jake Johansen
-------------
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too."
Buzz Belmondo
-------------
It gives me great pleasure to introduce this next comedian. But before
I give myself great pleasure....
Lank and Earl
-------------
Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
20,000 women.
Bruce Baum
----------
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm way too high."
Mark Pitta
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I like to sing to the songs on the radio in my car. When you go into
a tunnel, it's hard to come out on the right note. Actually, the news is
more difficult.
I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with
Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented
"Bambi" and "The Deerhunter."
Mark Guido
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Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
had towels from my house.
I play golf even though I hate it. I'm not done with a game yet.
I hate those windmills.
Steve Kravitz
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How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the deal on those anyway?
You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck.
Jim Samuels
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I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.
This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't
have to sit at the card table.
Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a
party dressed as a Pinata.
Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for
70 mph.
Al Clethen
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In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings.
They came out with 'Happy To Be Alive Meals.' LA is a real strange
place. Even the Chinese Drivers honk me for driving too slow.
Kevin Rooney
------------
I have one of those real old American built cars. The kind that
just PUNCHES through accidents.
John ?????
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You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend
called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the
bathroom. "It's very simple," I said. "You start by filling up the
bathtub with water..."
Michael Prichard
----------------
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
Authors Unknown, but still funny
-------------------------------
There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast
as you can. It's harder for drunk people to hit you.
Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest
people to talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic
minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the
women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
You're a great crowd. No, you're not a crowd, you're a mob.
--
.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.