💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › JOKES › bad_jo.kes captured on 2022-06-12 at 09:29:34.
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;;; The demise of the Bad-Joke mailing list was on July 8, 1979. ;;;
;;; Its destruction was neccessary because things got out of hand ;;;
;;; but the jokes of the once great list are here... ;;;
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"AW . . . Poor guys gotta wait in line"
UNITED NATIONS (AP) - Iraq's delegates to the UN are angry
because the oil squeeze their government helped put on the US is
forcing UN diplomats to wait in line at the gas station.
A US delegate suggested that the diplomats take the subway or
the bus.
Iraq called a meeting Thursday of the UN Committee on Relations
with the host country - The United States - so that its deputy to
the world organizatioin could complain that he and his colleagues
were waiting in line for gas when they should be out performaning
their important diplomatic duties.
He suggessted that some New York gas stations be reserved
for diplomats only.
Nobody made specific menion of Iraq's membership in OPEC
has increased the price of crude oil by more than 40% in the
past year and restricts production to keep prices up.
The committee adjourned until Monday without taking any
action.
[Quoted from PM edition of the San Jose News Friday July 6, 1979]
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Recently found inside fortune cookie:
Your search for gasoline will be futile.
[Hmmmm. Actually, it didn't come true, since for weeks now
there have been no gas lines out here. I wish I knew why,
but I'm not going to look a gift pump in the nozzle. My
personal guess is that the spigot is being turned off in
different parts of the country in sequence to put us
all in our place.]
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O P E C
IN ARBAIA, NO-ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM!
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Baseball is not played in Italy's capital city anymore, it has been
report. The reason? Quote reliabele sources, "This is a direct
consequence of the fall of the Roman umpire."
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The young male race horse came from a long line of
winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual
races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite
bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have
to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either
this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all,
having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and
illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in
time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time
he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before
getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling
back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing
great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if
five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're
off!'?"
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SAN FRANCISCO - The state commission investigating the California
Supreme Court decides whether to go to court to compel Chief Justice
Rose Bird to answer questions about news leaks. Slug AM-Court Probe.
Developing. Laserphoto covering.
--------
So who do they appeal to if they lose?
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Q: Why is a virgin like a firecraker?
A: Cause one bang and they aint no more!
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Q: What is the difference between a duck ?
A: One leg is both the same.
- - - - - - - - -
Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
A: Very few of them know how to dance!
- - - - - - - - -
"HOW THEY BABYLON!"
Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready?
Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?
Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the
Gaza bit?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales.
Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only
here to Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an
Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this
arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!
Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the
neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia!
Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan on
Zanzibar is open.
- - - - - - - - -
Question:
Why is a virgin like a hemophiliac?
Anwser:
Because one prick and it's all over.
(Sigh. Please pardon this poor excuse of a joke...)
- - - - - - - - -
The S. I. Hayakawya Plan
At the last moment, as Skylab begins to break into 1,000-pound chunks,
we change its orbit so that it only falls on poor people.
Hayakawa, the Republican senator from California, announced in May
that the best way to solve the enery problem is to let the price of
gas go up as high as possible so that poor people can no longer drive.
Next month, if Skylab falls on the poor, it would solve their other
problems, like eating and breathing.
Some criticism of this plan has already been made. When asked how
he could condone taking the lives of such people, Sen. Hayakawa
responded: "You call that living?"
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When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
And Oxygen still had none
Then Oxygen scored a single goal
And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
Called because of rain.
- - - - - - - - -
Speaking of orchestra's, .... Not to long ago at the New York
Philmarmonic, when I think Horowitz was playing; Just after the
applause from the 10th encore has died down, a man in the front
row stood up, turned to the crowd and said: "And he will keep on
playing until he does it right".
- - - - - - - - -
The conductor was getting more and more fed-up
with the orchestra. In particular, one female cellist
was losing every way. Finally, the conductor said to
her, "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument
that could give pleasure to thousands, and all you can
seem to do is scratch it."
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Fertility is hereditary...
If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
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Q: How do you tell the difference between Winter and Summer in LA?
A: When the topic of conversations changes from Mud slides to brush fires.
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Sterility is hereditary.
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OLD PROVERB:
PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T.
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INSANITY IS HEREDITARY . . .
YOU GET IT FROM YOUR KIDS.
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Q. WHY ARE DOLLY PARTON'S FEET SMALL?
A. BECAUSE THINGS DON'T GROW VEY LARGE IN THE SHADE.
- - - - - - - - -
The UNIX system on the 4th floor is reputed to be unreliable [I should know,
I kept it that way.] Yet rather than dialing up the tip and using one of
the ITS systems, MLD preferred to have a hard-wire connection installed
between UNIX and his home. Why?
He wanted to perform feats of daring without a net underneath him.
- - - - - - - - -
On page 35 of this week's Computerworld (6/25/79) appears
the following ad:
"Imagine having been a software engineer on the 360 system
at IBM...
That's Teradyne today."
- - - - - - - - -
Featherstone's Accurate Steps to Systems Development:
(1) Wild enthusiasm.
(2) Disillusionment.
(3) Total confusion.
(4) Search for the guilty.
(5) Punishment of the innocent.
(6) Promotion of nonparticipants.
(From 1,001 Logical Laws, Accurate Axioms, Profound Principles, Trusty
Truisms, Homey Homilies, Colorful Corollaries, Quotable Quotes, and
Rambunctious Ruminations for All Walks of Life by John Peers)
- - - - - - - - -
12-Jun-79 DON bad day
[From a lazy day at Xerox]
You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .
. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday.
. . . you wake up face down on the pavement.
. . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
. . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
. . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
. . . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
. . . your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her
own business.
. . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party,
and there aren't any.
. . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency
routes out of your city.
. . . the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like
your wife.
. . . you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then
you realize that you don't have a water bed.
. . . your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
- - - - - - - - -
Well, it seems that this gentleman was travelling by rail
in Europe, and happened to sit down in the lounge-car (the bar)
next to a couple of young Swedish lads. These two introduced
themselves as Stig, and Olf. Now Stig was a pleasant enough
fellow, but Olf was rather taciturn. In fact, Olf was a real
"teddy-boy" -- that is to say (in the English parlance) a greaser,
or what we would call a "punk".
Time dragged on, and they each ordered a beer. Our hero,
took an approving sip of his beer. "Ah, that's good," he said.
Stig agreed with him, but Olf took one sip, spit it out,
and proceeded to curse the waiter for the lousy beer.
"I didn't think it was that bad," said our traveller.
"Ah," said Stig, "rude Olf, the ted, knows train beer."
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Turnauckas' Law
The attention span of a computer is only as long as the electrical cord.
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How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with your wife?
You will have to wait 22 months.
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Thu 21 Jun 22:57 Michael Foster Rule of the week: ACRONYMS (46)
Avoid Creating Rules Or Names You Must Spell
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a123 0360 13 Jun 79
BULLETIN
AM-KL10 Crash,312
MENLO PARK, CA (AP) - A Digital Equipment KL10 went down in flames
today. There was no word on surviving jobs.